help should i leave or stay

[hurtingmom]

I have been married for 14 yrs. and have 4 beautiful boys that I love and adore. I have stayed in the marriage for the boys. I got married to him when I was 17 yrs old. Over the years we have done many terrible things to each other. I want to get out, but do not want to hurt the boys. All we do is fight. He has been promising to change his ways for years and I have given him many chances. He said this time is it. When do you get out? I am not happy. I am depressed all the time. Everyone says stay together for the kids. How is staying together good when their mother can't function. I have been everything to everyone for 14 yrs. I never do anything for myself. He sits on the computer or works in the garage or sleeps while I run the kids everywhere, do laundry, do disher, work full time, clean the house, mow the lawn, pay the bills, make all the meals, grocery shop, take care of the animals we have, and he only works for 3 hrs in the morning. I have never asked him to help around the house or help with the kids and I probaly brought it on myself. I'm tired and have been having many health problems because of the stress. I just can't live like this anymore. Should I stay or go? I can live in a different state with relatives, but he said if I take my boys he will have me arrested. I can't live without them, but I can't live with him anymore. He never keeps a job for longer than 4 mths. our finances are in ruins. He closed our checking account without my knowledge and now I have no money. I work twice as hard as him and he takes my money. He says he is going to sell my car so I have to walk to work and my kids walk to school. I have been talking to my pastor at my church for counseling because I can't afford to go anywhere. He has turned almost everyone in my life against me. I am alone except for my oldest brother who says he will help. He has been there for me and now my husband says I can't talk to him. I am desperate and hurting all the time. The boys are what keeps me going. I left for a week to get away from him and everything and it was the happiest week of my life, but I came back for my boys. Please, help me!!!

 

Thank you in advance for any advice would be appreciated!

[confused88]

hurtingmom,

 

Wow - you sound like an incredible mother, devoted to her children! It sounds like you have tried all the avenues and it is time to do some self healing. Is he a good father to the kids? (Doesn't sound like it) Do you have friends and activities that you enjoy away from all the responsibilities you are bearing, or is there no time in the left in a day?

 

Your boys are also suffering through this! Staying in it for the boys is not the way to go. My best friend was in the same situation when he grew up. His Mom and Dad fought all the time, and they were not a loving couple. They stayed together until he turned 18 (8 yrs of turmoil) then split up. They are both happier now, and he wonders why they didn't do it earlier - he was miserable in the house with them.

 

What lessons are you teaching them about marriage? This is what they see as married life - and they are learning every step of the way! Is this what they are supposed to have in a relationship when they get older? I bet they will have major problems when the time arises.

 

IMHO - get out! You will need help, and it will be tough, but you can not throw away your life. There are several organizations that can help, and I would get help from your out of state relatives. Teach yourself, AND your children what a happy life can be!

 

God Bless

[buzzyonbeach]

How could anything get any worse than what you are currently living in? You do have a job (or if you move you could get a new job),there are agencies that can help you and the boys. Do you not realize that you are being abused? If you move "have you arrested" .......for what? Lady, its time to get a life for you and your kids. Get help if you can....but mainly get out before things get any worse (if that's possible!)

[brashgal]

I know that in some states it is illegal to take your children across state lines without the other parent's approval, do you know this to be true where you live or could this be your husband blackmailing you emotionally? Talk to a lawyer or do some research and get the facts first.

 

I think you need to get out of there too but be smart about it.

[hurtingmom]

I do work and I could easily get a new job. My oldest brother has a roofing business and said I could help out in the office or something. He said he can get me and the boys a place, but I know my husband won't let us leave without a fight. I don't want to hurt the boys more than they have already been. I forgot to add that about 3 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant again. I lost the baby yesterday, he told me that was God's way of telling me we should be together. I just lost my baby and all he can say is I need to know if your staying or going. He said he can't live like this anymore. He said if I leave it will be without the boys nobody will allow me to take them. I can't stay here anymore, but I can't leave my boys. He won't let me sleep at night its constant arguing about anything and everything. I told him I didn't think I could goto work today because of what happened yesterday, I'm still bleeding alot. He got upset with me and took the car when I said I need to see a doctor. He told me when he was at work yesterday that Jesus touched him and would send him a sign and the sign was me losing the baby. I just wanted to scream as loud as I could and run out the door as fast I can and as far away as possible. He yells at me that it was his baby too and he is upset too. I'm so scared to leave, but even more scared to stay. I don't have any friends and my family pretty much stays away from us thanks to him. The only person I can count on is my brother. I don't do anything besides work and take care of everyone and everything. I do want a better life for my boys, but he keeps telling me it won't be better out there. My only choice is to stay with him. He says leaving him will hurt the boys more than anything.

Thank you for the advice it is appreciated.

Its good to be able to write things down and get advice. I'm so confused and have no one to talk to. Thank you.

[LRT]

I would get a job and a place to live lined up.Also check with a lawyer and see what you can and can't to regarding your boys.Staying in a relationship like that is not good for any child.They will end up in the same type of relationship when they are older.Two parents living separately hopefully in loving happy relationships is better than two parents living together miserable and unhappy.

[sandmaan]

I am glad to see she is not alone out there with no one to tell her to do the right thing and help the children the way they should be helped. Not watching the abuse her husband is dishing out to her day and night. It is terrible to have to go through all that and do it alone. Might as well be in jail it sounds like you are already there. I too agree you should get out and get a better life for them children they will remember all this and think it is the natural way to have a marriage. They will treat their wives the same way they see their father, whether they try or not. Unless they see other ways, which it does not sound like they have any avenues at the moment for that.

I would seriously think about getting any help that you have going for you and use it. I agree it would be hard starting out anew but, it sounds like you been through HARD already so what could be the difference.

How could he be a good father only working 3 hours a day and doing nothing else. Or for that matter a good husband. Sounds like he needs to grow up huh?

 

 

Take care and God bless