It Happened... Ex wants to talk.

[betterdeal]

Betterdeal shut the **** up. He's on here to get advice. Not to have people pat him on the back and ask him how he feels. We are giving honest, intelligent, and helpful advice. Go over to the coping section if you just want to talk about feelings.

 

No, I don't think I will. I'll stay here.

[1784]

Man, where were all of you in my thread? lol

[fetish]

Man, where were all of you in my thread? lol

 

 

that's what i be wondering. i don't ever get much support in my threads!

[Doodled]

Sorry fellas, I don't normally post much or come to this forum because my advice is normally not appreciated or listened to, regardless of how right it is.

 

It's simple: Never Go Back. A clean slate is always better then a dirty slate.

[Jdw_Icequeen]

I wouldn't take my ex back atleast not right away it would take a long time for him to prove to me he was worthy of having me back.. In this situation I always think it's best to take things slow.

 

I think your fully aware of the risks.. I am happy for you, it sounds like she misses you and still loves you. As the saying goes actions truly do speak louder then words.. So while your getting into this, I just hope that you don't hold your breath and don't think this means your definetly getting back together.. Yes second chances are very possible and sometimes they even work out the second time around..

 

So good luck to you and god bless!

[PelicanPete]

Hey Shawn, Im happy that you have the option for taking her back I really am. Despite what people say it is entirely your decision. Everyone is just acting this way because we've all been there and we don't want to see you get hurt again. It's the type of "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" scenario. You don't have to follow anybodies advice or opinions because you won't feel complete unless you do what you feel is right. Use peoples say as a guide, not a rule.

 

With that said I have to throw in my bit. I think I'm about your age, but i've seen this scenario happen many times. As what a lot of other people are saying, I don't think you should settle for this girl. Ask yourself why you are wanting to be with her. Is it because she has been your girlfriend in the past and you have deep emotional feelings for her? Or is it because you are afraid of what the future may hold, and you are afraid to face it alone.

 

Think about how she has treated you. Is that really how you would treat someone that you love and genuinely care about? From what I gather you showed her nothing but compassion, and she showed you nothing but negativity. It feels like this girl is just lost and immature that doesn't want to feel pain. She rebounded with that new guy to avoid being alone and the pain of your breakup. She realizes that she doesn't want to be with him anymore, and she has to break a heart to get what she wants which is you. It feels like she just felt like you were a safety net the whole time, and then when you left she didn't feel secure. She wants her sense of security back, and your giving it to her.

 

A person is never going to change or grow without leaving the familiar. You were forced out of the familiar relationship with your girlfriend, came on LS and noticeably matured and grew as a person just as many have before you. How has she grown? She is throwing people under the bus so she doesn't have to. First it was you, now it is going to be this guy. Who's to say she won't do it again?

 

I think if you have really thought about it and took a swim in lake shawn, and you still want to be with her, you have to force her to mature. I think the best thing to do is have her break up with her current boyfriend NOW, and you guys remain LC for the next few months. It will be hard but it will force her to mature and deal with herself, because right now she is just using relationships to hide her own insecurities. If she continues to do this that's only going to get you hurt in the end.

[fetish]

that's right shawn. do what you want. i just saw a situation and thought i'd do my part to try to keep you from getting hurt. in the end, its your life, your love, and your pain and you have to do what feels right to you.

 

that's what i be wondering. i don't ever get much support in my threads

 

just quoting this before a certain someone sees this. I was only kidding in this post but what i meant was i don't get many replies to my threads, but the people who do reply are extremely helpful and have helped me through my situation.

[shawn923]

@betterdeal, thanks. You seem to be the only one that understands i wasnt left for somebody...

[shawn923]

Hey Shawn, Im happy that you have the option for taking her back I really am. Despite what people say it is entirely your decision. Everyone is just acting this way because we've all been there and we don't want to see you get hurt again. It's the type of "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" scenario. You don't have to follow anybodies advice or opinions because you won't feel complete unless you do what you feel is right. Use peoples say as a guide, not a rule.

 

With that said I have to throw in my bit. I think I'm about your age, but i've seen this scenario happen many times. As what a lot of other people are saying, I don't think you should settle for this girl. Ask yourself why you are wanting to be with her. Is it because she has been your girlfriend in the past and you have deep emotional feelings for her? Or is it because you are afraid of what the future may hold, and you are afraid to face it alone.

 

Think about how she has treated you. Is that really how you would treat someone that you love and genuinely care about? From what I gather you showed her nothing but compassion, and she showed you nothing but negativity. It feels like this girl is just lost and immature that doesn't want to feel pain. She rebounded with that new guy to avoid being alone and the pain of your breakup. She realizes that she doesn't want to be with him anymore, and she has to break a heart to get what she wants which is you. It feels like she just felt like you were a safety net the whole time, and then when you left she didn't feel secure. She wants her sense of security back, and your giving it to her.

 

A person is never going to change or grow without leaving the familiar. You were forced out of the familiar relationship with your girlfriend, came on LS and noticeably matured and grew as a person just as many have before you. How has she grown? She is throwing people under the bus so she doesn't have to. First it was you, now it is going to be this guy. Who's to say she won't do it again?

 

I think if you have really thought about it and took a swim in lake shawn, and you still want to be with her, you have to force her to mature. I think the best thing to do is have her break up with her current boyfriend NOW, and you guys remain LC for the next few months. It will be hard but it will force her to mature and deal with herself, because right now she is just using relationships to hide her own insecurities. If she continues to do this that's only going to get you hurt in the end.

 

UPDATE: Well, i talk to her today. I asked her if she had any news to tell me. She said no. So then i told her i cant be strung along like this, u said u wanna be with me, so actions speak louder than words. And i mentioned i think u only had that talk with me yesterday so YOU could feel better about dumping me, but she swore that wasnt the reason and everything she said was "100% real and true".... Then she says "but i thought u would be patient?" i say "no, that was a mistake. I refuse to wait around after you dumped me the way you did. im no back-up plan. If u wanna be with me, ACT on it. Now. Or im gone forever. and she says "I cant leave him sorry"... So then i told her thats unbelieveable, why string me along like that? Then told her to erase my number and i wanted nothing to do with her... (i guess thats just to scare her, but nonetheless i can still go NC at will) She replied after that like "no i dont want us to be like that!" but i didnt reply...

 

And thats that....

[betterdeal]

Doesn't sound very enjoyable. What else is going on in your life? School, sports, hobbies, social life, vacations planned?

[JasonRules]

Then she says "but i thought u would be patient?" i say "no, that was a mistake. I refuse to wait around after you dumped me the way you did. im no back-up plan. If u wanna be with me, ACT on it. Now. Or im gone forever. and she says "I cant leave him sorry"...

 

 

Shawn,

 

What did I tell you? Read my post from above. Everything I wrote is coming to fruition. For once in this whole mess, be a man, grow a pair and pull the trigger on this farce and end it yourself with your head up high and your dignity intact.

 

She was crying to you the other day and now she's telling you "I can't leave him, sorry". You know what you should have done when she said that?

 

You should have said "Fine, then don't" and hanged up the phone on her. Do not be naive into thinking she didn't know him prior. And I'm willing to bet money the only reason she came running back to you is because they probably got into an argument or something and she was feeling insecure and she was seeking a "safety net".

 

Dude, the facts are all in front of you. She IS stringing you along. Pull the trigger on this one and don't delay. If you would have kept to NC from the get go you would have been almost 100% by now, but the more you drag this on, the more time you're waisting from meeting the new hot girl you will meet.

 

How long will you continue to chase after this immature, fickle, and "I don't know what I want" train wreck? She is physically (ie having sex) with someone else. If that's not enough to make you puke and look at her with disgust I don't know what will...

[Doodled]

I don't wanna sound like a jackass Shawn but I told you so.

 

A woman whose interested in you docent confuse you.

 

But seriously I'm sorry that happened. We have all been dumped/rejected and it sucks. You will recover with time but had you followed a policy of no second chances you wouldn't have had to be rejected by the same girl twice.

 

In the end you salvaged by essentially telling her **** off. But now you need to think ahead. This immature girl is likely going to try and get your attention until you give in (like she is used to you doing). Now is the time to prepare yourself and get tuff. In other words: complete and consistent NO CONTACT!

 

Shawn it's time to grow as a man and do this. Today is the first day of a new Shawn. A Shawn who docent take crap from controlling and egotistic women. A Shawn who leads. A Shawn who has more respect for himself. A Shawn who demands respect from others(not forcefully of course). A Shawn who docent need the comfort of a partner but instead enjoys the comfort of a partner equally. A Shawn who can smile when he looks in the mirror (figuratively and literally).

 

Add whatever other prime qualities you want. The point is your done being needy and your ready to lead your life the way you see fit. Woman or not.

 

Shawn buddy, when she comes calling pretend she docent exist. Trust me you will feel infinitely better as a person. You don't need her and she can go to hell as far as you should be concerned.

 

Come on here if you ever feel like contacting her.

[TaraMaiden]

shawn, this thread is actually a fantastic progressive process.

 

Everybody - regardless, and without exception - has given you good advice, even if it's been conflicting.

It's about being flexible, as opposed to hardline, but in a constructive way.

And it's also about being hard-line, and not malleable, in a constructive way.

 

There are times in everyone's life when:

• You have to be hard-line, unequivocal, and absolutely straight up, no-nonsense;
   
  
• You have to be a bit flexible, go with the flow, and make allowances for human prevarication;
   
  
• You have to listen to others because whatever the advice, the intention is well-meant, compassionate and supportive;
   
  
• You have to be mature and discriminating enough to remember that advice, at the instant you need it, and implement it for your own protection.
  

 

Most of us have given advice at some time or another, which we either didn't take ourselves, when we should have done, or are giving it because of a bitter and memorable experience.

so learn from this, grow, put it all to good use, and start healing.

 

The one thing about your last conversation which clanged my ringer was this bit:

Then told her to erase my number and i wanted nothing to do with her... (i guess thats just to scare her, but nonetheless i can still go NC at will) She replied after that like "no i dont want us to be like that!"

 

It doesn't matter what she wants, any more.

This isn't about her, and what she wants.

She totally blew that chance, and exploded it into little pieces.

She wants to have her cake and eat it, and she still wants you on the back-burner, dangling and bouncing at her whim.

 

She can't have you as a friend, she cannot friend-zone you, and you cannot possibly let her do this to you.

 

so, back to my post #4, then, I guess..... and read the NC link.

 

Good luck my friend.

Stick around.

[PelicanPete]

Sorry it didn't turn out how you hoped shawn. It sounds like this girl isn't going to change any time soon, so let her be someone elses problem. You did everything you could and there's no shame in abandoning any relationship with her for good. You aren't the one with the problem here. She seems to be only dragging you down now, and she will continue to if you let her. Let her insecurities blemish someone elses life

 

School will be out soon and summer is almost here! I hope you make the choice of banishing her from your life, because she doesn't deserve to be in it. You've gained a lot of knowledge from this, and if there ever is a next time for a break up you'll be stronger. Stay humble and listen, we have two ears for a reason after all

[Fufu]

shawn, this thread is actually a fantastic progressive process.

 

Everybody - regardless, and without exception - has given you good advice, even if it's been conflicting.

It's about being flexible, as opposed to hardline, but in a constructive way.

And it's also about being hard-line, and not malleable, in a constructive way.

 

There are times in everyone's life when:

• You have to be hard-line, unequivocal, and absolutely straight up, no-nonsense;
  
• You have to be a bit flexible, go with the flow, and make allowances for human prevarication;
  
• You have to listen to others because whatever the advice, the intention is well-meant, compassionate and supportive;
  
• You have to be mature and discriminating enough to remember that advice, at the instant you need it, and implement it for your own protection.
  

 

Most of us have given advice at some time or another, which we either didn't take ourselves, when we should have done, or are giving it because of a bitter and memorable experience.

so learn from this, grow, put it all to good use, and start healing.

 

The one thing about your last conversation which clanged my ringer was this bit:

 

 

It doesn't matter what she wants, any more.

This isn't about her, and what she wants.

She totally blew that chance, and exploded it into little pieces.

She wants to have her cake and eat it, and she still wants you on the back-burner, dangling and bouncing at her whim.

 

She can't have you as a friend, she cannot friend-zone you, and you cannot possibly let her do this to you.

 

so, back to my post #4, then, I guess..... and read the NC link.

 

Good luck my friend.

Stick around.

 

 

Bravo post

[WTRanger]

She's right, she can't break up with the current guy. Her plan was to make his life miserable so he's the one who breaks up with her and she escapes this whole thing guilt free. And to take the taco, she gets to play the victim role. That's how these parasites work. It may be hard to believe, but there are people this despicable in the world.

 

Anytime you feel like taking her back, and you will during the course of this, think about the person she has become. Is that the type of girl you want in your life? She dumps you, she gets a new man and actively makes out with him in front of you when she knows you are looking, she plays all sorts of mind games, and spins a web of lies that even the best politician in the would couldn't untangle.

 

Don't say anything just to scare her. Say it and mean it for once.

[PegNosePete]

UPDATE: Well, i talk to her today. I asked her if she had any news to tell me. She said no. So then i told her i cant be strung along like this, u said u wanna be with me, so actions speak louder than words. And i mentioned i think u only had that talk with me yesterday so YOU could feel better about dumping me, but she swore that wasnt the reason and everything she said was "100% real and true".... Then she says "but i thought u would be patient?" i say "no, that was a mistake. I refuse to wait around after you dumped me the way you did. im no back-up plan. If u wanna be with me, ACT on it. Now. Or im gone forever. and she says "I cant leave him sorry"... So then i told her thats unbelieveable, why string me along like that? Then told her to erase my number and i wanted nothing to do with her... (i guess thats just to scare her, but nonetheless i can still go NC at will) She replied after that like "no i dont want us to be like that!" but i didnt reply...

 

And thats that....

Sorry dude. Seems like we were right all along. Believe me it does not make us feel good. We all wish we were wrong whenever this kind of thing happens. I would much rather see a post from you saying "Haha you're all wrong we're back together". But experience has taught us that that very rarely happens.

 

Well done on handling it right! As you can see, what you did was to stand up for yourself like a MAN and it made her reveal her true colours (again).

 

So although it's a bad thing to happen it does show you that it's the right way to go about it. You need to learn from the experience so that WHEN it happens again (believe me it WILL happen again) you know how to handle it.

[shawn923]

Im sorry i cant reply to everybody but ive read them all over and over...

 

So now im sad

What do i do from here??? She hasnt tried contacting me since our convo last night. You guys on LS certainly helped, i mean i didnt even wait 24 hours before i asked her to dump her bf. I wanted action. And didnt get it... So at least i got out that situation as quickly as possible, and as PegnosePete said, i handled it right, like a man. Its just sometimes my vision is cloudly... Some of u guys were making it seem like she's the devil, as if me and her would NEVER have a second chance... Shes immature as fawk, but not a bad person...

 

So i really dont know what to do from here... I feel broken again, but only a little. Did she mean everything like she said she did? If so, why tell me all this and not wanna be with me? If not, why lie to me? I told her last night during our convo, If u really wanted to be with me, nothing will stop you from doing it... So why wont she do it??? damn i hate having this stuff on my mind, i was doing fine just 3 days ago. And yea i told her to erase my number because thats how i felt at the time. I really wanted nothing to do with her... But it was just to send a message as to how bad i felt, i havent erased her number...

 

So will she be contacting me again? What to do?

[Doodled]

Shawn, get a grip. Please read over all our posts at least a dozen more times and really make an attempt to understand them. Everyone on here has gone through what your going through. Your situation is not unique and you need to take this advice we are offering or just continue to be miserable.

 

I hate to say this but someone needs to. She may be immature and a loser but honestly Shawn you are to. I say this out of frustration because you don't seem to get what we are saying.

 

Look up the concept called Objectivity and read all about it. Then apply that way of thinking to this situation. You might come out with a new perspective. I know that seems like an odd request but I'm really lost when it comes to "making" you understand. There is great great advice from all these peope but you don't seem to comprehend it.

[shawn923]

Shawn, get a grip. Please read over all our posts at least a dozen more times and really make an attempt to understand them. Everyone on here has gone through what your going through. Your situation is not unique and you need to take this advice we are offering or just continue to be miserable.

 

I hate to say this but someone needs to. She may be immature and a loser but honestly Shawn you are to. I say this out of frustration because you don't seem to get what we are saying.

 

Look up the concept called Objectivity and read all about it. Then apply that way of thinking to this situation. You might come out with a new perspective. I know that seems like an odd request but I'm really lost when it comes to "making" you understand. There is great great advice from all these peope but you don't seem to comprehend it.

 

What are u talking about? No one said i didnt comprehend shhit. Didnt SHE come crying back? and did I do the right thing by giving her an ultimatum??? Now what exactly did i do wrong or not comprehend??? Get ur dumbazz outta here im taking all the advice and following thru with it. All i did was post my results on here... and now i feel a little sad. Who the fawk cares get off my back.

 

Im coming here to post my feelings and thoughts because its the only place i can... its much easier than talking to a friend about my sobby stories all day.

[WTRanger]

The best thing for you to do Shawn, is to take a deep breath and step back from this. You need to give it some time to pass so you can look at this situation objectively. Right now, it's impossible for you to look at it objectively. It's impossible for anyone who is in your shoes to have an objective look on their respective situation.

 

I know I wasn't able to when I dealt with something similar. It seemed so obvious to everyone around me, except I couldn't see it. I couldn't understand why they gave the advice to leave the girl alone and go NC. Couldn't they see I loved that girl? The problem was, I wasn't seeing this as they are at the time. I refused to. Oh how I wanted to believe the way things were, which at the point I wasn't even sure the past I was thinking of actually existed in the way I remembered it.

 

What should happen when you start to separate yourself from this, and you'll start to see some of our views, is that you'll see this girl for who she has become and not who she was when your first met. You need to really start to make a distinction between those two as they are very different people from what you've described during your time here.

 

If she comes back and says she's dumped the guy and wants to try with you, you need to be ready to honestly answer that question given how she's acted and treated you over these past few weeks. If she wants you to be in her life, you need to be able to honestly answer that given her actions recently. You need time and space away from her. If you want a second chance, that's fine, as long as you are absolutely aware of the person she is today because that's the girl you will be dating.

[JasonRules]

Shawn,

 

You asked what do you do now. If you want, take my advice and follow it. If you don't want to take my advice I can guarantee you that the road ahead will be full of heartache, sleepless nights, and you feeling miserable.

 

This is my advice:

 

 

1. Defriend her from Facebook right this instant

2. Write her phone number on a piece of paper and put it somewhere in your room, then delete her phone number from your mobile

3. Save her photos of her from your phone and then delete those as well

4. Take down any pictures of her or the two of you together from your room/apartment/home and store those away somewhere

5. Stop asking about her to any common friends you might have

6. Tell your friends to NOT tell you anything about her anymore in terms of what she's doing (IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!!)

 

During the first phase of NC you will feel sad and suffer withdrawal so you will need to counter this by filling up your week with activities so you don't go home and sulk. This is what you'll need to do.

 

7. Start making plans to hang out with your buddies more often (at least 2-3 times per week)

8. Sign up at a gym and immediately after work go the gym and release all the tension and stress you have by working out for 2 hours. This way by the time you get home you feel relaxed from all the endorphins released in your brain. You need to go at the very least 5 days a week (if not everyday)

9. If you feel like talking to someone call a friend or alternatively you can post here

10. Do not, I repeat, do not under any circumstances contact your ex for any reason (getting stuff back etc)

11. Avoid at all costs all the places where she hangs out at (cafes, restaurants, clubs etc)

 

You have to stick with this action plan and follow it religiously. If you break NC you will go back to feeling crappy again. If you stick to this, the first 2-3 weeks will be tough, but eventually you will start feeling better.

 

By week 6 you will start looking at other options (dating, other girls etc)

[radiodarcy]

Im sorry i cant reply to everybody but ive read them all over and over...

 

So now im sad

What do i do from here??? She hasnt tried contacting me since our convo last night. You guys on LS certainly helped, i mean i didnt even wait 24 hours before i asked her to dump her bf. I wanted action. And didnt get it... So at least i got out that situation as quickly as possible, and as PegnosePete said, i handled it right, like a man. Its just sometimes my vision is cloudly... Some of u guys were making it seem like she's the devil, as if me and her would NEVER have a second chance... Shes immature as fawk, but not a bad person...

 

So i really dont know what to do from here... I feel broken again, but only a little. Did she mean everything like she said she did? If so, why tell me all this and not wanna be with me? If not, why lie to me? I told her last night during our convo, If u really wanted to be with me, nothing will stop you from doing it... So why wont she do it??? damn i hate having this stuff on my mind, i was doing fine just 3 days ago. And yea i told her to erase my number because thats how i felt at the time. I really wanted nothing to do with her... But it was just to send a message as to how bad i felt, i havent erased her number...

 

So will she be contacting me again? What to do?

 

shawn, sorry to hear things didnt work out. but now you know you have the tools and support you need to move on. your ex may not be a bad person per se - - but her actions are having an extremely painful effect on you. the best thing you can do is go NC and stick to it for your own protection.

 

i understand how hard it's going to be if she does try and contact you again. just remind yourself of all the pain she has caused you and ask yourself if you want to go through that again. as big of a jerk as my ex is when i told him i was going NC, he respected my need for space and did not contact me. you ex needs to do the same. the fact that she hasnt respected your previous attempts to go NC - - and then pulled this latest stunt to top it off - - shows that she has no respect for you. take your dignity back from this girl, go back to NC and and stick to it

[fetish]

shawn923,

 

sorry about your disappointment and sorry we turned out to be right. Yesterday, you may have thought we were being pessimistic but we were simply trying to prepare you for exactly what happened. Me and alot of others on here have been through this before. Just know, the players change but the game remains the same!

 

I hate to say this but someone needs to. She may be immature and a loser but honestly Shawn you are to. I say this out of frustration because you don't seem to get what we are saying.

 

This is pretty harsh and clearly uncalled for. People come on to LS to get support and the last thing they need to have when they're hurting is someone tearing them down. There's better ways of Tough love. Comments like these are damaging in a time of despair.

Edited April 28, 2011 by fetish

[marqueemoon4]

shawn923,

 

sorry about your disappointment and sorry we turned out to be right. Yesterday, you may have thought we were being pessimistic but we were simply trying to prepare you for exactly what happened. Me and alot of others on here have been through this before. Just know, the players change but the game remains the same!

 

 

 

This is pretty harsh and clearly uncalled for. People come on to LS to get support and the last thing they need to have happened when they're hurting is to be torn down. Tough love or not, it's damaging in a time of despair.

 

yea that stood out when I read it too.. seemed really unnecessary but I didn't want to say anything.