It Happened... Ex wants to talk.

[silvermane187]

So all u guys who disagree with me, answer me this. If your ex comes back crying right now, out of nowhere, and promises to change, says shes sorry, and wants to try again, AND sounds sincere, you wouldnt give her a chance???

 

 

Man...This is exactly what happened to me, except it was one day after the breakup and not a month. She showed up at my door crying out of nowhere and said "we can try to work it out" I took her back and guess what? I ended up getting dumped again a few months later just when I thought things were getting back to normal. You saved yourself from having a ****ty situation drawn out by putting your foot down. You should be proud of yourself. Remember this; young college age girls are 99% flakey as **** and don't know what they want from one day to the next. You handled the situation very well considering how emotionally attached you were/are to her. At this point all you can do go complete NC and try to move on. It sucks and hurts like hell but that's the only option.

Edited April 28, 2011 by silvermane187

[shawn923]

The best thing for you to do Shawn, is to take a deep breath and step back from this. You need to give it some time to pass so you can look at this situation objectively. Right now, it's impossible for you to look at it objectively. It's impossible for anyone who is in your shoes to have an objective look on their respective situation.

 

What should happen when you start to separate yourself from this, and you'll start to see some of our views, is that you'll see this girl for who she has become and not who she was when your first met. You need to really start to make a distinction between those two as they are very different people from what you've described during your time here.

 

If she comes back and says she's dumped the guy and wants to try with you, you need to be ready to honestly answer that question given how she's acted and treated you over these past few weeks. If she wants you to be in her life, you need to be able to honestly answer that given her actions recently. You need time and space away from her. If you want a second chance, that's fine, as long as you are absolutely aware of the person she is today because that's the girl you will be dating.

 

Indeed this is true. At least i can now see the person she is. Shes trying to avoid the pain of the breakup by having me as a safety net... Shes waiting on her bf to fawk up so she can easily jump to me, thus never facing heartbreak. So shes not growing, learning, or maturing. Shes avoiding growing by trying to play games. And i let her know in less than 24 hours that i wasnt down for it.

 

Shes just very immature... That is my conclusion. If theres anything positive i can take from this, at least i got her to confess she still loved me, missed me, and her new guy and no other guy compares.

[shawn923]

So now, since you some of you have been thru all this before and seen it plenty of times, what happens next? will she be calling me tonight saying she wants to talk? will she wait a month? or what? Also whats going thru her head... WHY did she do all of this? and DOES she even wanna be with me or not? Was what she told me true? she swore it was... I just wanna know what will happen next, and how to be prepared for it.

 

Me, im going NC. So thats all the advice I need. I just wanna know her agenda, and what sneaky shhit she may try. And how i can be better prepared to differentiate her fake words from the real words.

[WTRanger]

If theres anything positive i can take from this, at least i got her to confess she still loved me, missed me, and her new guy and no other guy compares.

 

Dude, you have to stop thinking that way. Yes, she told you that. But her actions are the exact opposite. If there is anything you ever take away from LS, it's that actions matter and words don't mean a hill of beans. I can tell you that you won the lotto, but until I actually give you money those words don't have any meaning. You can't tell the difference between real and fake words until you look at her actions. Plain and simple. And for the billionth time, if she really cared SHE WOULD BE WITH YOU. She simply wouldn't be saying things, she would be doing things. Stop listening to her words.

 

For your follow up post, no one can tell you what she's going to do. We're not mind readers and every situation is different. She will come calling because as far as she knows, you'll still come barking every time she calls your name. Show her it's different this time by ignoring her every step of the way.

 

Even if her actions sync up to her words, do you really want this petty, fickle, flaky, manipulative bitch in your life?

[confused1989]

I agree with the others shawn you don't want to deal with this person anymore and the more you get yourself wrapped up in it the longer you're going to be suffering long-term and it's going to really screw you up.

 

I'm the same age as you basically and I see similarities between my ex and yours I told her we can't talk anymore and she said "no I can't do that I can't have that" and she continued to not respect my wishes for NC and to heal. My ex has met a billion new guys since we broke up and she wants to keep me on the backburner and she would text me calling me cute and pass me in the hallway at school and text me again calling me a hottie and she would flatter me and everything and heck she even showed up at my door one day telling me she wanted to work things out with me (coincidentally it was right after she did something in the wrong and knew she was in the wrong) and we agreed on meeting up in a couple of days and then she blew me off time and time again when we were supposed to hang out so that's when I put my foot down. My ex told me I was in her future plans and told me I was the ideal boyfriend and everything and I thought I was on my way to getting back together with her.

 

And where am I now? This was over a month and a half ago and I'm in NC since a little over a month ago, she still tries to contact me but she obviously doesn't want to be with me and she misled me very badly.

 

Lesson: DON"T ANALYZE WHAT SHE SAYS!! IT DOESN"T MATTER! Take it in one ear and let it go out the other!!

 

Actions mean EVERYTHING and sometimes even showing up at your doorstep and wanting to get back together isn't even good enough.

Edited April 28, 2011 by confused1989

[Doodled]

Hey Shawn and everyone else. I just wanted to apoligize I was reading some of my posts after a few of you pointed them out and I have been coming off as a total ass.

 

I really do feel for you man, everyone on here has had to deal with rejection and it sucks balls.

 

I think I was kind of taking some anger I have towards these exes who play around like this out on you. I learned a long time ago that these types of exes are really toxic and I've been burned by them in my youth. I just hate to see you acting how I did when I was younger before I learned never to give a second chance and to "man up".

 

A lot of the way I said that stuff (although I agree with it) was not right and I've realized I'm probably just taking out my own frustration with my younger experiences on you.

 

I meant well, but sorry for how I said some things.

[shawn923]

Im starting to have second thoughts now, thoughts i know i shouldnt be having... I feel like if i had stuck around a little longer, maybe till the weekend, and asked her for a date or something maybe that would have sealed the deal... But then again, if she wanted me, she would just do it... right? I mean somethings just tellin me she still wants to be with me... i know she does. And its so frustrating that i have to go nc when i know she still wants me... i just feel like texting her again to make sure this is what she wants. To see just how long she expected me to wait. And ive NEVER had an urge to text her during NC until now.

[WTRanger]

Everything you are going through is normal, the second guesses, the cravings, etc. You just have to power through the cravings. It's literally as if you are giving up smoking cold-turkey. The craving only lasts for a few minutes. Do something else, do push-ups or something to keep your mind off of contacting her. You need to get yourself detoxed from her. She's your drug right now, and like any drug you feel good for a while after getting your fix. Then, when the high wears down, you feel lower than snake's balls.

 

It wouldn't have made a difference if you waited until the weekend, next week, month, or year. She's just screwing with you to keep you around. Actions, man, pay attention to her actions. Just because you care for someone doesn't give them free permission to treat you like crap. Get mad, stand up for yourself. This girl has taken you to the proverbial emotional woodshed. Don't give her the ego boost of two (or probably more) guys chasing after her.

[shawn923]

Everything you are going through is normal, the second guesses, the cravings, etc. You just have to power through the cravings. It's literally as if you are giving up smoking cold-turkey. The craving only lasts for a few minutes. Do something else, do push-ups or something to keep your mind off of contacting her. You need to get yourself detoxed from her. She's your drug right now, and like any drug you feel good for a while after getting your fix. Then, when the high wears down, you feel lower than snake's balls.

 

It wouldn't have made a difference if you waited until the weekend, next week, month, or year. She's just screwing with you to keep you around. Actions, man, pay attention to her actions. Just because you care for someone doesn't give them free permission to treat you like crap. Get mad, stand up for yourself. This girl has taken you to the proverbial emotional woodshed. Don't give her the ego boost of two (or probably more) guys chasing after her.

 

Thanks man. I just needed a pick-me-up to let me know I was doing the right thing here, and that I've done all I could and have been getting screwed over. I just need to be reminded that I'm right I guess, for every step I make. So I apologize now if in the future I ask the same questions again!

[shawn923]

Gettin ready for school, where i will be seeing her twice, on my way in and out... Usually shes there with him, and i usually walk past without eye contact. I guess today when i walk past, i will be getting my confirmation. If shes with him today, i'll be convinced she did NOTHING since our talk the other day to show ACTION. Either way im going to walk past without saying anything and minding my business, and its hard everyday. But at least today i can find something out as well... Plus, she'll see, that i saw, her and her bf still together. And that should make her feel guilty... (what? i cant get a little revenge? lol)

 

Also i still have the urge to text her. Theres a lot of new questions that she brought up... But i wont be breaking NC. Just saying, i have an urge... I havent had these urges before.

[Layzie89]

You've said your not going to break NC probably 10 times now but everytime she initiates a slightest form of communication with you, you jump on it without hesitation and break NC. You have to have a little more self control shawn. Don't act on impulse, resist the urge. You've broken NC time and timr again and it's only caused you more pain. When are you going to realize this man? You also have to stop obsessing about what shes thinking and how she'll feel if you do this or do that...it serves no purpose whatsoever. She already told you that she is NOT going to leave him...why do you need affirmation by seeing if shes walking with her new guy? Cut this obsessive stalker-like behavior out and you'll begin to feel alot better with everything. You're still hurting because you're not allowing yourself to feel better about it. Just back off for a bit, take a step back and let things ride man. You gotta stop trying to control the situatiob and just let things be. Try it out at least.

[shawn923]

I did! I was fine with NC until she came crying back, giving me things to think about. Im still not going to break NC... I have to see her regardless today. Its just my fault for thinking its going to make her guilty... But as far as NC goes, im back in that mindset. At least now i know, if she tries to come back, I know what not to accept from her. I wont accept nothing less than 100% and she knows that now...

 

I still love and miss her... And i wish she just said what i wanted already

[TaraMaiden]

These urges are another word for needing closure.

You believe there are certain questions you need to have answers to, before you can definitively drop everything, and move on.

 

I hate to tell you shawn...

 

It's not going to happen.

Closure cannot be gained by seeking - or even receiving - answers from an ex-.

 

They prevaricate, make excuses, make stuff up, and say what they think you want to hear, or even what they think it's right to tell you.

Which might change by tomorrow....

Look, she told you initially that she was having second thoughts, thought of you 24/7.... then when you demanded definitive action, told you she couldn't give up her BF, but that she wanted you to stay her friend.

 

Fickle, my friend, fickle.

Incapable of straight, no-nonsense talk or action.

 

Please - forget the questions, and don't for god's sake, even think of getting back in touch with her with the questions.

It's all bluff and bluster.

No good will come of it....

[shawn923]

These urges are another word for needing closure.

You believe there are certain questions you need to have answers to, before you can definitively drop everything, and move on.

 

I hate to tell you shawn...

 

It's not going to happen.

Closure cannot be gained by seeking - or even receiving - answers from an ex-.

 

They prevaricate, make excuses, make stuff up, and say what they think you want to hear, or even what they think it's right to tell you.

Which might change by tomorrow....

Look, she told you initially that she was having second thoughts, thought of you 24/7.... then when you demanded definitive action, told you she couldn't give up her BF, but that she wanted you to stay her friend.

 

Fickle, my friend, fickle.

Incapable of straight, no-nonsense talk or action.

Please - forget the questions, and don't for god's sake, even think of getting back in touch with her with the questions.

It's all bluff and bluster.

No good will come of it....

 

You always sound so convincing in your posts! LOL thanks a lot... Everytime i have those urges im going to come read this. Because i DO have the urges, and its like half of my brain is telling me NO! DONT DO IT STUPID! But i understand, i just wanted closure, but I have to realize i didnt even want this closure 3 days ago. Im trying to get back into the mindset where i just dont care anymore about her or her games.

 

Again, i apologize in advance, if I post the SAME thing about having the urges... I'd just rather do it here. So dont think im stubborn or hard-headed...

[betterdeal]

Just take a step back, find a moment of calm in your mind, and consider how you feel in that moment of calm compared to how you feel when you either interact with her or spend any of your energy focused on that relationship. Then decide which you prefer.

 

Calm, or stress.

[radiodarcy]

Again, i apologize in advance, if I post the SAME thing about having the urges... I'd just rather do it here. So dont think im stubborn or hard-headed...

 

no need to apologize - - that's what this site is here for

 

just keep re-reading these posts as well as others -- as i'm sure you can tell by now there are plenty of people on here who have gone or are going through the same emotions that you are. and it helps to come on here and read about their experiences and perspectives.

 

the urges are normal. the longer you stick to NC the more they will fade. i am at 7 weeks of NC after having to re-start back in february. in some ways - - it's easier the second time around. this time i made it clear to my ex why i was going NC and as a result i havent heard a peep out of him since. part of me sort of wishes he would contact me (just so i knew he cared). but when i think about it -- he's doing me a favor by staying away because it's made the healing go by so much faster. soo - - i'd rather he didnt contact me

 

your ex on the other hand was not respecting your need for space. she selfishly pursued her own need for attention by reeling you back in and then when you set the terms of reconciliation (i.e. told her to dump the new bf) backed off because he realized she wasn't in control anymore.

 

if she doesnt know what she wants that's fine but piling on the casualties is irresponsible and unacceptable - - whether its intentional or not. steer clear of her. she clearly lacks self-awareness and has proved she is only out for herself.

[shawn923]

no need to apologize - - that's what this site is here for

 

just keep re-reading these posts as well as others -- as i'm sure you can tell by now there are plenty of people on here who have gone or are going through the same emotions that you are. and it helps to come on here and read about their experiences and perspectives.

 

the urges are normal. the longer you stick to NC the more they will fade. i am at 7 weeks of NC after having to re-start back in february. in some ways - - it's easier the second time around. this time i made it clear to my ex why i was going NC and as a result i havent heard a peep out of him since. part of me sort of wishes he would contact me (just so i knew he cared). but when i think about it -- he's doing me a favor by staying away because it's made the healing go by so much faster. soo - - i'd rather he didnt contact me

 

your ex on the other hand was not respecting your need for space. she selfishly pursued her own need for attention by reeling you back in and then when you set the terms of reconciliation (i.e. told her to dump the new bf) backed off because he realized she wasn't in control anymore.

 

if she doesnt know what she wants that's fine but piling on the casualties is irresponsible and unacceptable - - whether its intentional or not. steer clear of her. she clearly lacks self-awareness and has proved she is only out for herself.

 

K. I just wanted to be absolutely sure that my conscience is clear about this situation. I wanna know that I did the 100% right thing, and did everything i could to make it work. I also wanna know that she's making huge mistakes, and is acting very immature. And so far thats the feedback im getting... Its just strange, doesnt she see herself making horrible decisions? Doesnt she see herself tearing me apart with the things she does? How can she not see what shes doing as wrong? Does she really think what shes doing is right?

 

After i saw her today i almost teared up when i got to the car... It hurt all over again seeing them sit with eachother. But i couldnt dwell on that. Ive almost came so accustomed to being hurt by her, that i know to deal with it now. I push those feelings out of my head and concentrated on other things. I texted a female friend of mine and forgot about even thinking about my ex.. I again saw her for the person she has become... and my conscience was clear.

[2sunny]

K. I just wanted to be absolutely sure that my conscience is clear about this situation. I wanna know that I did the 100% right thing, and did everything i could to make it work. I also wanna know that she's making huge mistakes, and is acting very immature. And so far thats the feedback im getting... Its just strange, doesnt she see herself making horrible decisions? Doesnt she see herself tearing me apart with the things she does? How can she not see what shes doing as wrong? Does she really think what shes doing is right?

 

After i saw her today i almost teared up when i got to the car... It hurt all over again seeing them sit with eachother. But i couldnt dwell on that. Ive almost came so accustomed to being hurt by her, that i know to deal with it now. I push those feelings out of my head and concentrated on other things. I texted a female friend of mine and forgot about even thinking about my ex.. I again saw her for the person she has become... and my conscience was clear.

 

you said yourself - IF she's with him = that's all you need to know. NOW YOU KNOW!

 

end of that lie she tells - end of any thoughts of being with her.

 

next time she calls or texts - simply tell her to stop with the lies and being deceitful. she strings you along for an ego stroke. tell her to knock it off= she's using you and you are allowing it every time you step in.

[jstobo]

Shawn, why don't you just tell the other guy about your recent conversation. Leave it that. Do it in a way that is like, "hey man, just want you to know, so you don't waste more time and end up like me. Good luck."

 

Than keep going NC with her, because she will contact you after that. But it will absolutely kill her to not be able to give you a piece of her mind. I hope you do that, because I would love to hear what happens.

[shawn923]

Shawn, why don't you just tell the other guy about your recent conversation. Leave it that. Do it in a way that is like, "hey man, just want you to know, so you don't waste more time and end up like me. Good luck."

 

Than keep going NC with her, because she will contact you after that. But it will absolutely kill her to not be able to give you a piece of her mind. I hope you do that, because I would love to hear what happens.

 

nahhh thats revenge... I coulda been did that. i'll let karma do its work.

[radiodarcy]

K. I just wanted to be absolutely sure that my conscience is clear about this situation. I wanna know that I did the 100% right thing, and did everything i could to make it work. I also wanna know that she's making huge mistakes, and is acting very immature. And so far thats the feedback im getting... Its just strange, doesnt she see herself making horrible decisions? Doesnt she see herself tearing me apart with the things she does? How can she not see what shes doing as wrong? Does she really think what shes doing is right?

 

After i saw her today i almost teared up when i got to the car... It hurt all over again seeing them sit with eachother. But i couldnt dwell on that. Ive almost came so accustomed to being hurt by her, that i know to deal with it now. I push those feelings out of my head and concentrated on other things. I texted a female friend of mine and forgot about even thinking about my ex.. I again saw her for the person she has become... and my conscience was clear.

 

 

the fact that you are seeing her for the person she is shows that you are doing the right thing.

 

my guess would be she has no idea what she is doing or how it's affecting you. she has no sense of self-awareness. and people who lack self-awareness lack the ability to see the effects their actions have on others. it's just not in their capabilities. my ex was very much the same way. i would send him extremely detailed emails telling him exactly how is actions were affecting me and even though he apologized and said he understood - - he still kept doing the same things over and over again - - telling me about other girls he was flirting/hanging out with, talking about how much he missed cuddling with his ex-wife (and this would be right after we had sex). either he didnt care or he lacked that filter -- either way i decided i'd had enough and walked.

 

your ex is not going to change unless she wants to. she clearly has no desire to do sowhich means she is going to keep hurting herself and those around her. that's her burden - - not yours. because you now see her for who she is and are taking the steps to move on.

 

you handled seeing with the other guy great by texting your friend. let me ask -- i know you probably have a few weeks left of school -- is there anyway you can take an alternate route so you don't have to see those two together?

Edited April 29, 2011 by radiodarcy

[guccimane99]

Shawn

I know what you went through and it sucks. To know who u fell for isn't who she is anymore. I'll tell u that is a great step in the right direction like everyone else. Ill also tell u alot of woman make irrational decisions in there life. They do what they "feel" is right even though if they thought about it they would know it was wrong. Honestly, just move on this girl is immature she sounds alot like my last ex. She doesn't know how to be alone so she will jump in any guys arms that gives her attention. Also, you cant make her make realize she made a mistake only she can. Only thing you can do is move on go on dates and meet new people. It sucks losing what once was but honestly don't live in the past. I am not friends with any of my ex's because i don't want anything to spark up between any of my ex's. There all good people some don't use their head as much as the others but in the end only u can make urself happy. She shouldnt control how happy you are. Just know ur the man and be confident who cares if she comes back or not whats going to change. Not alot of people realize people don't change. Girls go through that stage where they "feel" i can change him and when they get older they start to regret losing the good guy and dating the dbags. I'll tell u at 20 i have had 2 gfs in a matter of 6 months i treated them like princess's and there used to dbags. I cant change them and im not gonna change myself for them. Only thing u can do is wish them the best say your sorry for how it ended and just dissappear. Who knows what will happen and that is life for u. "You don't realize what you got till its gone" Mike Shinoda sang this in where'd you go. I listen to that sometimes makes me realize that i am who i am because of these girls and i don't regret them i thank them because im a good person because of them.

[shawn923]

your ex is not going to change unless she wants to. she clearly has no desire to do sowhich means she is going to keep hurting herself and those around her. that's her burden - - not yours. because you now see her for who she is and are taking the steps to move on.

 

you handled seeing with the other guy great by texting your friend. let me ask -- i know you probably have a few weeks left of school -- is there anyway you can take an alternate route so you don't have to see those two together?

 

In bold, why? why would she continue to hurt herself? shes admittedly with somebody she does not want to be with. And she only got with him in the first place as a rebound to "make me jealous". I know shes not stupid. Why does she continue to do this?

 

And yea i can avoid them, but its like a extra 5 min walk, allllll around this other parking lot. I've done it before to avoid her and realized this is too much work to avoid this chick. It felt like i was running from her... I'd rather just walk my usual way and mind my business.

[radiodarcy]

In bold, why? why would she continue to hurt herself? shes admittedly with somebody she does not want to be with. And she only got with him in the first place as a rebound to "make me jealous". I know shes not stupid. Why does she continue to do this?

 

And yea i can avoid them, but its like a extra 5 min walk, allllll around this other parking lot. I've done it before to avoid her and realized this is too much work to avoid this chick. It felt like i was running from her... I'd rather just walk my usual way and mind my business.

 

i honestly don't know. and if she's playing this guy she doesn't want to be with in order to get back with you - - well that's some incredibly bizarre manipulation tactics she using. why she would essentially shoot herself in the foot to make you jealous makes no sense.

 

she probably wouldnt be able to tell you why anyway because like i said before, she's not self-aware and simply reacts to situations instead of making a point of analyzing them. she also seems to lack serious communication skills. so even if she did know why she wouldn't be able to express it.

 

the bottom line is - - you will never know why she continues to do this to herself and asking why isn't going to change the facts. just be glad your not part of this crazy web anymore.

[betterdeal]

In bold, why? why would she continue to hurt herself? shes admittedly with somebody she does not want to be with. And she only got with him in the first place as a rebound to "make me jealous". I know shes not stupid. Why does she continue to do this?

 

Maybe she is pretty poor at managing her emotions and therefore is very impulsive. Thus, she gets an urge and acts on it, with little consideration for the context in which it occurs and the likely consequences of it.