Affairs aren't worth the pain or trouble

[SoulStorm]

Let's go to the experts, shall we? You are not a psychologist, nor a therapist, are you?

 

 

Oh..by the way...I am a licensed counselor in relationships

[nyrias]

Most therapist do not have a clue how to handle infidelity.

Having a degree does not constitute you having the moral ability to tell someone that lying to their spouse is the right thing to do.

My marriage did not thrive by deception..only by honesty. if you believe lying to your partner is productive..I sure feel sorry for your partner.

 

Also if "one" believes that they will cause their partner harm by being truthful. "one" shouldn't cheat.

 

But we are NOT talking about your marriage. We are talking about marriage statistically. Since you are a councilor, educated in the literature, you must know that there are different situations. Furthermore, you claim that other therapist do NOT know what they are doing (implying that you do). Do you have any evidence to show that you are more successful than say the average therapist?

 

Do you *always* council for full disclosure, regardless of the situation?

 

Since you are a professional, let me ask your opinion on Spring 1996 then. Do you object to his claim that suggest disclosure is not wise, in 4 specific situations? If so, what are your grounds?

 

In fact, i found additional literature on this issue. For example:

 

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=jXJw-zKtwygC&oi=fnd&pg=PA137&dq=disclosure+and+infidelity&ots=oy0HCnY4Yd&sig=EQq4sD7Ff0G5VLxotBcCByQpdWQ#v=onepage&q=disclosure%20and%20infidelity&f=false

 

Even this study which advocate disclosure states that "on the other hand, disclosure might be best be deferred if ..." 4 conditions are present. The last condition is "The partner is particularly vulnerable at the time - physically or emotionally fragile .. and may be harmed by the disclosure".

(page 153/154).

 

Treating & advice issues regarding infidelity is a serious psychological issue. It should NOT be done by how you "feel" but by guidance from research, and empirical evidence.

[SoulStorm]

But we are NOT talking about your marriage. We are talking about marriage statistically. Since you are a councilor, educated in the literature, you must know that there are different situations. Furthermore, you claim that other therapist do NOT know what they are doing (implying that you do). Do you have any evidence to show that you are more successful than say the average therapist?

 

Do you *always* council for full disclosure, regardless of the situation?

 

Since you are a professional, let me ask your opinion on Spring 1996 then. Do you object to his claim that suggest disclosure is not wise, in 4 specific situations? If so, what are your grounds?

 

In fact, i found additional literature on this issue. For example:

 

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=jXJw-zKtwygC&oi=fnd&pg=PA137&dq=disclosure+and+infidelity&ots=oy0HCnY4Yd&sig=EQq4sD7Ff0G5VLxotBcCByQpdWQ#v=onepage&q=disclosure%20and%20infidelity&f=false

 

Even this study which advocate disclosure states that "on the other hand, disclosure might be best be deferred if ..." 4 conditions are present. The last condition is "The partner is particularly vulnerable at the time - physically or emotionally fragile .. and may be harmed by the disclosure".

(page 153/154).

 

Treating & advice issues regarding infidelity is a serious psychological issue. It should NOT be done by how you "feel" but by guidance from research, and empirical evidence.

 

We are getting off base here. Sure there will be instances where disclosure would be detrimental to the partner who is unstable mentally. There has to be wise judgment in such cases.

 

We are not talking about that here. Cases of infidelity I have dealt with have been cured by full disclosure.

It gives the betrayed partner the right to make a decision to stay or go.

You seem to forget that the betrayer made a conscious decision to betray. It is selfish and self centered to do such a thng to one you claim to love.

You can quote me literature all day long, but I am going on my experience and the success of it.

If you do not want to disclose..that is your right. You will suffer for it one way or the other.

I tell those I council that if we are going to get to the bottom of this, everything must be on the table. We can't rebuild a house without all the material.

infidelity breaks down trust and security. The only way to really get those walls built back up is with openness and honesty.

 

After all it was the deceit that the infidelity thrived on in the first place.

There are thousands of cases of infidelity and they are being discovered every day by the betrayed one. Either by disclosure or by the betrayed finding out themselves. The latter is the most common and causes a big rift for reconciliation.

Because the betrayer would have still been deceitful if never caught.

 

You have already hurt the betrayed one. that happened the moment you decided to cheat. They are just not aware of the hurt yet because of the deceptiveness. Those who choose to be deceptive have no excuse except selfishness.

This does not go by how I "feel". It goes by what I have seen.

[weedsandposies]

I decided to revisit this thread and

rad posts I wasn't strong enough to

read in recent weeks.

 

UPDATE

 

SoulStorm - The guilt was so

profound one evening so I started

telling H, he said he doesn't want

to hear it. Works for me. We're

starting over to see where this

takes us.

 

TMCM - Yes I do feel already that I

may be starting another affair.

Which leads me to the conclusion I

can't be in a monogomous

relationship. However, this time I

will make sure to file separation

papers first.

 

What next - Divorce has been on the

table since the summer. BOTH ways.

 

wheelwright - Thank you! I oftened

wondered if having affairs with

married people is easier than

single. Guess it hurts just as much.

I think neither men is the right one

for me. I'm learning this and

perhaps self-doubt is at play. Some

days are worse than others.

 

coffeeaddict - I disagree with you.

It's unnecessary to tell your spouse

if it would destroy them and you're

able to keep it a secret. That to me

is selfish. Finding out someone you

loved cheated on you HURTS. Why

would I want to do that to him. He's

not a fool. And neither am I to

think in 8 years he hasn't been with

other women.

 

I just can't imagine hurting my

husband for the OM. It was never

worth it. My marriage is absolutely

more valuable.

 

TMCM (again) - I'll tell you

something. During the summer my

husband was VERY abusive towards me.

He blamed all our problems on me. He

made me miserable. He has since

tried working on how he treats me.

And has only had a couple of

slip-ups but overall we're really

trying.

 

frozensprouts - I understand you

guys trying to make him out to be

this sweet angel and I'm satan. I

haven't told the whole story here

because I respect my husband and

marriage not to post certain things

on a public forum. Perhaps if I did

tell you everything you guys would

understand more. But I won't.

 

memphis raines - Yes I'm still

thinking about it. But this time I'd

leave first.

 

John Michael Kane - thanks for the

sarchasm.

 

martini-mae - the voice of wisdom

finally! yes if you're separated and

the intention is to divorce, as with

my situation, you can date. Agreed.

 

dreamingoftigers - I think you

provided the most sincere response.

If he ever flat out asks me I

wouldn't lie. But I pray he never

does.

 

Oldontheinside - I have never ever

cheated and would never have

considered. Too many things happened

at once and OM came into my life at

a time when I was weak. It's not his

fault but if he didn't I wouldn't

have strayed.

 

TurboGirl - Thank you, trying to

ignore them

 

SoulStorm (again) - I'm goign to

offer you some advice, you really

need to see the other side of

things. People don't cheat because

they are happy in their marriage.

Ideally the cheater would try to

work on their marriage before having

an affair. However, how realistic is

this? People get caught up in their

lives, neglect eachother or

themselves, get way too comfortable,

are abusive, etc. You're too

close-minded.

 

And honestly if I was your spouse

I'd be afraid to approach you with a

problem I had with you. I'm sorry if

that's harsh but it applies to alot

of you on here.

 

nyrias - I agree the worst situation

is not telling and getting caught.

But I wasn't in a long term, emotion

filled affair. And OM is the past,

over done with.

 

thebody - Drunk driving is a bit

more serious but I wonder if you

didn't want them to confess because

you liked the situation the way it

was. No strings.

 

Soulstorm #25 - Most therapist do

not have a clue how to handle

infidelity BECAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO

CONFESS EVERY GORY DETAILS OF THE

AFFAIR TO YOUR SPOUSE!!! Are you

kidding me! How can they sleep at

night after knowing and how do you

know your spouse is telling the

truth anyway???? Full disclosure is

not always the solution.

 

Soulstorm #27 - I don't see how you

can be objective. You sound very

judgmental.

[John Michael Kane]

I decided to revisit this thread and

rad posts I wasn't strong enough to

read in recent weeks.

 

UPDATE

 

SoulStorm - The guilt was so

profound one evening so I started

telling H, he said he doesn't want

to hear it. Works for me. We're

starting over to see where this

takes us.

 

TMCM - Yes I do feel already that I

may be starting another affair.

Which leads me to the conclusion I

can't be in a monogomous

relationship. However, this time I

will make sure to file separation

papers first.

 

What next - Divorce has been on the

table since the summer. BOTH ways.

 

wheelwright - Thank you! I oftened

wondered if having affairs with

married people is easier than

single. Guess it hurts just as much.

I think neither men is the right one

for me. I'm learning this and

perhaps self-doubt is at play. Some

days are worse than others.

 

coffeeaddict - I disagree with you.

It's unnecessary to tell your spouse

if it would destroy them and you're

able to keep it a secret. That to me

is selfish. Finding out someone you

loved cheated on you HURTS. Why

would I want to do that to him. He's

not a fool. And neither am I to

think in 8 years he hasn't been with

other women.

 

I just can't imagine hurting my

husband for the OM. It was never

worth it. My marriage is absolutely

more valuable.

 

TMCM (again) - I'll tell you

something. During the summer my

husband was VERY abusive towards me.

He blamed all our problems on me. He

made me miserable. He has since

tried working on how he treats me.

And has only had a couple of

slip-ups but overall we're really

trying.

 

frozensprouts - I understand you

guys trying to make him out to be

this sweet angel and I'm satan. I

haven't told the whole story here

because I respect my husband and

marriage not to post certain things

on a public forum. Perhaps if I did

tell you everything you guys would

understand more. But I won't.

 

memphis raines - Yes I'm still

thinking about it. But this time I'd

leave first.

 

John Michael Kane - thanks for the

sarchasm.

 

martini-mae - the voice of wisdom

finally! yes if you're separated and

the intention is to divorce, as with

my situation, you can date. Agreed.

 

dreamingoftigers - I think you

provided the most sincere response.

If he ever flat out asks me I

wouldn't lie. But I pray he never

does.

 

Oldontheinside - I have never ever

cheated and would never have

considered. Too many things happened

at once and OM came into my life at

a time when I was weak. It's not his

fault but if he didn't I wouldn't

have strayed.

 

TurboGirl - Thank you, trying to

ignore them

 

SoulStorm (again) - I'm goign to

offer you some advice, you really

need to see the other side of

things. People don't cheat because

they are happy in their marriage.

Ideally the cheater would try to

work on their marriage before having

an affair. However, how realistic is

this? People get caught up in their

lives, neglect eachother or

themselves, get way too comfortable,

are abusive, etc. You're too

close-minded.

 

And honestly if I was your spouse

I'd be afraid to approach you with a

problem I had with you. I'm sorry if

that's harsh but it applies to alot

of you on here.

 

nyrias - I agree the worst situation

is not telling and getting caught.

But I wasn't in a long term, emotion

filled affair. And OM is the past,

over done with.

 

thebody - Drunk driving is a bit

more serious but I wonder if you

didn't want them to confess because

you liked the situation the way it

was. No strings.

 

Soulstorm #25 - Most therapist do

not have a clue how to handle

infidelity BECAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO

CONFESS EVERY GORY DETAILS OF THE

AFFAIR TO YOUR SPOUSE!!! Are you

kidding me! How can they sleep at

night after knowing and how do you

know your spouse is telling the

truth anyway???? Full disclosure is

not always the solution.

 

Soulstorm #27 - I don't see how you

can be objective. You sound very

judgmental.

 

Just let your husband go.

[SoulStorm]

I decided to revisit this thread and

rad posts I wasn't strong enough to

read in recent weeks.

 

UPDATE

 

SoulStorm - The guilt was so

profound one evening so I started

telling H, he said he doesn't want

to hear it. Works for me. We're

starting over to see where this

takes us.

 

TMCM - Yes I do feel already that I

may be starting another affair.

Which leads me to the conclusion I

can't be in a monogomous

relationship. However, this time I

will make sure to file separation

papers first.

 

What next - Divorce has been on the

table since the summer. BOTH ways.

 

wheelwright - Thank you! I oftened

wondered if having affairs with

married people is easier than

single. Guess it hurts just as much.

I think neither men is the right one

for me. I'm learning this and

perhaps self-doubt is at play. Some

days are worse than others.

 

coffeeaddict - I disagree with you.

It's unnecessary to tell your spouse

if it would destroy them and you're

able to keep it a secret. That to me

is selfish. Finding out someone you

loved cheated on you HURTS. Why

would I want to do that to him. He's

not a fool. And neither am I to

think in 8 years he hasn't been with

other women.

 

I just can't imagine hurting my

husband for the OM. It was never

worth it. My marriage is absolutely

more valuable.

 

TMCM (again) - I'll tell you

something. During the summer my

husband was VERY abusive towards me.

He blamed all our problems on me. He

made me miserable. He has since

tried working on how he treats me.

And has only had a couple of

slip-ups but overall we're really

trying.

 

frozensprouts - I understand you

guys trying to make him out to be

this sweet angel and I'm satan. I

haven't told the whole story here

because I respect my husband and

marriage not to post certain things

on a public forum. Perhaps if I did

tell you everything you guys would

understand more. But I won't.

 

memphis raines - Yes I'm still

thinking about it. But this time I'd

leave first.

 

John Michael Kane - thanks for the

sarchasm.

 

martini-mae - the voice of wisdom

finally! yes if you're separated and

the intention is to divorce, as with

my situation, you can date. Agreed.

 

dreamingoftigers - I think you

provided the most sincere response.

If he ever flat out asks me I

wouldn't lie. But I pray he never

does.

 

Oldontheinside - I have never ever

cheated and would never have

considered. Too many things happened

at once and OM came into my life at

a time when I was weak. It's not his

fault but if he didn't I wouldn't

have strayed.

 

TurboGirl - Thank you, trying to

ignore them

 

SoulStorm (again) - I'm goign to

offer you some advice, you really

need to see the other side of

things. People don't cheat because

they are happy in their marriage.

Ideally the cheater would try to

work on their marriage before having

an affair. However, how realistic is

this? People get caught up in their

lives, neglect eachother or

themselves, get way too comfortable,

are abusive, etc. You're too

close-minded.

 

And honestly if I was your spouse

I'd be afraid to approach you with a

problem I had with you. I'm sorry if

that's harsh but it applies to alot

of you on here.

 

nyrias - I agree the worst situation

is not telling and getting caught.

But I wasn't in a long term, emotion

filled affair. And OM is the past,

over done with.

 

thebody - Drunk driving is a bit

more serious but I wonder if you

didn't want them to confess because

you liked the situation the way it

was. No strings.

 

Soulstorm #25 - Most therapist do

not have a clue how to handle

infidelity BECAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO

CONFESS EVERY GORY DETAILS OF THE

AFFAIR TO YOUR SPOUSE!!! Are you

kidding me! How can they sleep at

night after knowing and how do you

know your spouse is telling the

truth anyway???? Full disclosure is

not always the solution.

 

Soulstorm #27 - I don't see how you

can be objective. You sound very

judgmental.

 

I don't see how you are ever going to have a meaningful relationship. you are obviously one who cannot be trusted in a relationship. Your answer is poor me ..my spouse caused me to cheat. When in reality you were just too dishonest with yourself and him to admit you wanted out. so it is much better to hurt your spouse by cheating on them. I am not judgmental. I am telling you the truth and sometimes people don't like it. they would rather do the lying as you are.

 

If you can't be honest with yourself and your partner..then you don't need to be in a relationship with them. You would rather it be based on a lie. It appears you and your husband had a bad relationship anyhow, but I guess it would be all his fault for that too.

 

You talk about my spouse being afraid to come to me..she is not afraid to at all. I am in far better position than you are with my relationship..I am not seeking a divorce and neither is she..I wonder why that is??? Maybe because we respect each other and tell each other the truth. That's a relationship going on 25 years..how long have you been married and how long are you going to stay married?

[TMCM]

TMCM - Yes I do feel already that I may be starting another affair. Which leads me to the conclusion I can't be in a monogomous relationship. However, this time I will make sure to file separation papers first.

 

Why prolong the agony? Do yourself and your H a favor, don't file for separation, file for divorce instead. This way you can indulge in having as many lovers as you want to satisfy your needs without hurting anybody in the process. Your H in turn will get an opportunity to move on with his life and find a woman who is monogamous. Everybody wins.

 

I hope you find peace.

[ladydesigner]

Let's go to the experts, shall we? You are not a psychologist, nor a therapist, are you?

 

Here is an academic paper on the issue of disclosure.

 

http://tfj.sagepub.com/content/16/4/328.full.pdf+html

 

And I quote (obviously the authors are also quote another paper):

 

Spring (1996) addressed four situations in which spousal

disclosure of the affair is unwise. These situations are when

(a) one believes the revelation will crush one’s partner’s

spirit irremediably; (b) one believes the revelation will create

an obsessional focus on the affair and keep those in the

relationship from examining the problems that caused it; ©

one’s partner is physically disabled and unable to provide

sexual companionship, and those in the relationship choose

to stay together to provide medical and emotional support;

and (d) one believes one’s partner will physically harm one.

The last of these, domestic violence, is consistently the one

situation when nondisclosure is consistently recommended.

 

So there *are* special circumstances that disclosure is "unwise". And situation (a) is very much the idea of not hurting the other person .. depending on how serious their response would be.

 

Furthermore, TABLE 1 shows that THERAPISTS (so they are professional, unlike people giving advice here) do NOT always council disclosure. And it is situation dependent. It ranges from 75+% agrees on disclosure when there is an active and ongoing affair, with no minor children, to 57% DISAGREE for "past and terminated affair".

 

These experts, obviously, think that at least *sometimes* (not always) relationship *can* base on deception, depends on the situation.

 

nyrias I find your posts very interesting and informative. I am a BS turned WS (revenge affair). The affair has been over for 3 years now and my therapist had advised not to tell. I also am against telling in my situation as I believe it would cause more harm at this point of wanting to save my M. We have been getting on just fine too.

 

Oh also I believe my disclosure would be both a and b

[TMCM]

The affair has been over for 3 years now and my therapist had advised not to tell. I also am against telling in my situation as I believe it would cause more harm at this point of wanting to save my M. We have been getting on just fine too.

 

What if he finds out? What then? Has your therapist given you a contingency plan if the unexpected happens?

 

Let me ask you, something. If your H had another affair - unbeknownst to you of course - and his therapist said to him the same thing, how would that make you feel?

[SoulStorm]

nyrias I find your posts very interesting and informative. I am a BS turned WS (revenge affair). The affair has been over for 3 years now and my therapist had advised not to tell. I also am against telling in my situation as I believe it would cause more harm at this point of wanting to save my M. We have been getting on just fine too.

 

Oh also I believe my disclosure would be both a and b

 

Most people go with what suits "THEM" not the marriage.

Infidelity is a deal breaker for some. You say you don't want to tell because you may hurt your husband. You already did that. he just has to discover it. You are only protecting yourself and your image that he has of you when it comes down to it. You don't want to be the person to cause the hurt, but you knew it would hurt him the moment you laid down for another man. If you cared so much for his feelings you wouldn't have gone there despite what he did. You only looked for revenge because YOU were hurt.

 

You are not protecting him..you are only further destroying the marriage by keeping secrets. You will be no more than a liar and a cheat when he finds out. Although he may not blame you as much because of what he did.

However..you are controlling his ability to make a decision as you did to stay in the marriage after YOU found out. He needs just as fair a shot to make a decision if he wants to stay with a woman that cheated on him as you did when he cheated on you.

 

If you "cared" so much..you would give him that fair chance.

[TMCM]

Most people go with what suits "THEM" not the marriage.

Infidelity is a deal breaker for some. You say you don't want to tell because you may hurt your husband. You already did that. he just has to discover it. You are only protecting yourself and your image that he has of you when it comes down to it. You don't want to be the person to cause the hurt, but you knew it would hurt him the moment you laid down for another man. If you cared so much for his feelings you wouldn't have gone there despite what he did. You only looked for revenge because YOU were hurt.

 

You are not protecting him..you are only further destroying the marriage by keeping secrets. You will be no more than a liar and a cheat when he finds out. Although he may not blame you as much because of what he did.

However..you are controlling his ability to make a decision as you did to stay in the marriage after YOU found out. He needs just as fair a shot to make a decision if he wants to stay with a woman that cheated on him as you did when he cheated on you.

 

If you "cared" so much..you would give him that fair chance.

 

Absolutely true.

 

Let's also remember that she probably throws her H's affair in his face when heated arguments arise between them. She would no longer be do that if she confessed her affair.

 

Her fraudulent image as a faithful wife is probably more important to her than anything else, including her H whom she professes love for.

 

Another cesspool of secrecy posing as a marriage.

[martini-mae]

martini-mae - the voice of wisdom

finally! yes if you're separated and

the intention is to divorce, as with

my situation, you can date. Agreed

 

My husband & I separated about 7 years ago (for a total of 2 years) during that time we both dated. (nothing serious though) We needed to figure out a lot of things in our marriage. Actually the dating part made us realize how much we did love each other & how much we did want things to work out.

 

I see nothing wrong with dating during a separation whether divorce is the intent or it isn't.

How is it cheating when you're not residing with your spouse?

I don't see it as cheating.

[John Michael Kane]

My husband & I separated about 7 years ago (for a total of 2 years) during that time we both dated. (nothing serious though) We needed to figure out a lot of things in our marriage. Actually the dating part made us realize how much we did love each other & how much we did want things to work out.

 

I see nothing wrong with dating during a separation whether divorce is the intent or it isn't.

How is it cheating when you're not residing with your spouse?

I don't see it as cheating.

 

Yea so screwing someone else can help one realize how much they love their spouse. Sounds like something right out of the Cheaters Manual. If one is going to cheat while separated don't even bother trying to come back. That time is supposed to be used to figure out your life and where you stand with your married partner, not with someone else. Still cheating no matter if you try and use the word "dating."

[Howcanthisbe]

Your telling me. I have now been on both sides of the fence and it just hurts regardless of what side you are on. Not worth it by a long shot!

[Owl]

I'm goign to

offer you some advice, you really

need to see the other side of

things. People don't cheat because

they are happy in their marriage.

Ideally the cheater would try to

work on their marriage before having

an affair. However, how realistic is

this?

 

I know this wasn't directed to me, but I wanted to respond to this, because I've seen this argument time and again, ad nauseum.

 

Here's a thought. The marriage may, or may not, have had any actual bearing on the cause of cheating.

 

You hear all the time that it takes TWO to make a relationship. I agree with this.

 

But the flip side of this means that it only takes ONE of those two to stop participating to end the marriage.

 

I've found that often, the "unhappiness" that theoretically led to the cheating had little to do with the marriage. It's due to something within the person themselves.

 

Your H didn't force you to cheat. Your marriage didn't force you to cheat.

 

You took that course of action on your own...it was the decision you made. The circumstances may have created an environment in which you were unhappy...whether those circumstances were created as a result of your H or your marriage no one can truly say. But the CHOICE to take the actions that you did rests solely with you.

 

I'm curious...what are the two of you doing NOW to fix the marriage? Now that the seperation and affair are both over with...what's changed or changing?

 

What is he doing differently...what are you doing differently? How did you decide what to change?

 

Have you considered MC to help work through all of this?

 

IC for you and your H to deal with all the issues you each bring to the table?

 

Just some thoughts and advice...consider what you've gone through and learn how to avoid repeating it.

[ladydesigner]

What if he finds out? What then? Has your therapist given you a contingency plan if the unexpected happens?

 

If he finds out, he finds out I won't deny. I have a good support system financially so I wouldn't have any problems if a divorce were to occur.

 

Let me ask you, something. If your H had another affair - unbeknownst to you of course - and his therapist said to him the same thing, how would that make you feel?

 

 

I wouldn't know because it would be hidden. If he does have another A and it is discovered, well then I have some big decisions to make because I would have a serial cheater on my hands. I will not cheat again. I did not like the feeling of hiding and lying the whole time. Now I suffer in silence. I will not appease my guilt by telling. Tough questions you ask. While I know the right thing to do is tell I just do not want to tear my family apart now.

During my A I was a lunatic. I was reckless. I was willing to tear my family apart as I felt my H had already done that, I obviously was making very bad decisions and knew I was making them. I need to figure out why I did that and have been discussing this in therapy.

Edited May 10, 2011 by ladydesigner

[ladydesigner]

Most people go with what suits "THEM" not the marriage.

Infidelity is a deal breaker for some. You say you don't want to tell because you may hurt your husband. You already did that. he just has to discover it. You are only protecting yourself and your image that he has of you when it comes down to it. You don't want to be the person to cause the hurt, but you knew it would hurt him the moment you laid down for another man. If you cared so much for his feelings you wouldn't have gone there despite what he did. You only looked for revenge because YOU were hurt.

 

You are not protecting him..you are only further destroying the marriage by keeping secrets. You will be no more than a liar and a cheat when he finds out. Although he may not blame you as much because of what he did.

However..you are controlling his ability to make a decision as you did to stay in the marriage after YOU found out. He needs just as fair a shot to make a decision if he wants to stay with a woman that cheated on him as you did when he cheated on you.

 

If you "cared" so much..you would give him that fair chance.

 

I agree with everything said here. I guess I am scared. I do not want my family to break up, plain and simple. I am disgusted by what I did. Disgusted that I could have an A.

[2sure]

I agree with the title of the thread.

 

I have been an OW and I have been a BS. I am old enough to know that some of life's lessons do not have to be learned through experience. I have experienced enough to know that hindsight isnt worth much to others. I have been humbled enough to accept the opinions of others without having to force my own down their throats.

 

Every response I have written in this forum could just as easily be summed up with: Affairs are simply not a good idea. If for no other reason than because no matter who you are in the triangle...its going to result in something painful or negative sooner or later.

[ladydesigner]

Absolutely true.

 

Let's also remember that she probably throws her H's affair in his face when heated arguments arise between them. She would no longer be do that if she confessed her affair.

 

Her fraudulent image as a faithful wife is probably more important to her than anything else, including her H whom she professes love for.

 

Another cesspool of secrecy posing as a marriage.

 

This was directed at me. We have had heated arguments and his A's were why we were having the arguments. We would probably be arguing about BOTH our A's if mine were to be discovered.

 

I am not concerned about my image being a faithful wife (I know I was not faithful). I would say I am more of a rug sweeper which is not good either.

 

Our marriage has been getting on just fine and I do not consider it a cesspool:laugh:

Edited May 10, 2011 by ladydesigner

[weedsandposies]

I will not appease my guilt by telling.

 

Profound statement sums up how I feel about it.

[confusedinkansas]

To Lady & Weed:

GOOD FOR YOU for standing your ground on what you believe is right for your situation.

 

So many times folks come to LS with absolutely no intention of telling their spouse & when the LSers are done with them they cave out of guilt - then they come back to post on how dreadful things are & how all hell breaks loose at their house.

 

I'm one of those that caved to you MUST TELL TELL TELL.......Never again!

[bentnotbroken]

To Lady & Weed:

GOOD FOR YOU for standing your ground on what you believe is right for your situation.

 

So many times folks come to LS with absolutely no intention of telling their spouse & when the LSers are done with them they cave out of guilt - then they come back to post on how dreadful things are & how all hell breaks loose at their house.

 

I'm one of those that caved to you MUST TELL TELL TELL.......Never again!

 

 

So is this statement saying when you cheat again you won't tell your spouse or is there something else there?

[weedsandposies]

I'm curious...what are the two of you doing NOW to fix the marriage? Now that the seperation and affair are both over with...what's changed or changing?

 

What is he doing differently...what are you doing differently? How did you decide what to change?

 

Have you considered MC to help work through all of this?

 

IC for you and your H to deal with all the issues you each bring to the table?

 

We decided to have a date night. That used to sound so corny to me but it really works. We're also intimate a few times a week. Before separation we hardly saw eachother. No MC, he wouldn't do it. Says he doesn't want to give someone that kind of power.

 

We don't have serious problems like others on the boards. It's just time. If I felt he wasn't interested in trying or was no longer in love with me it would be over immediately.

[weedsandposies]

To Lady & Weed:

GOOD FOR YOU for standing your ground on what you believe is right for your situation.

 

So many times folks come to LS with absolutely no intention of telling their spouse & when the LSers are done with them they cave out of guilt - then they come back to post on how dreadful things are & how all hell breaks loose at their house.

 

I'm one of those that caved to you MUST TELL TELL TELL.......Never again!

 

I noticed this and have decided to spend more time on the forum especially for the women with children and financially dependant.

 

Most of the posters that try to push for disclosure are men. HAVE YOU WOMEN NOTICED THIS? Please think of yourselves and families and don't allow yourself to be bullied!

[weedsandposies]

Soulstorm - I don't have an idealized perception of marriage. I do not live in a bubble. H and I only share one night a week with eachother, together alone. This is what works for us.

We are not the type of couple that can spend every waking minute together and not suffocate.

Affair happened. And OM saved my marriage. Had he not come into my life it would've been over already.