bentnotbroken Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 I noticed this and have decided to spend more time on the forum especially for the women with children and financially dependant. Most of the posters that try to push for disclosure are men. HAVE YOU WOMEN NOTICED THIS? Please think of yourselves and families and don't allow yourself to be bullied! I believe this isn't true. Haven't counted up the posts to confirm it....but I think the most people who push for disclosure are the people who believe that marriage should not the skeletons of secret lovers in the closet. The ones who push for disclosure are in fact those who believe that every spouse should be able to make decisions about their lives with all the facts that affect them. Those who push for disclosure believe that if the concern for the children were in the forefront of each parents mind, the cheating(alcoholism, drug abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse)would not have happened. NO one can bully you or any other person who cheats and lies about their act of cheating. If someone could be bullied into doing the right thing, there would not cheaters running around screwing up others lives and then hiding behind the skirt tails of; a) "I don't want to break up my home" b) " I don't want to hurt my BS" c) " I don't want to destroy the AP's family" d) "My spouse will never get over this" e) "why should I lose half my assets and not see my children full time" So no this isn't a gender thing. I was a SAHM for mos of my marriage and I knew that my life would change. But whatever decisions I made concerning my marriage...was done openly and with both parties aware of those choices and the decision to file for divorce. I just wish somebody would have the backbone enough to just say.....I am making the decision to lie because it suits me to look in my partners face and lie daily. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 thats because they are refraining from coming clean for reasons other than guilt. they are doing so because they don't want to suffer consequences and give their betrayed other the choice to control their own destiny. That, IMO, is the REAL reason, all the while pretending it's for noble purposes, i.e. "I refuse to lessen my guilt by hurting my spouse." Link to post Share on other sites
TheFamilyMan Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 the title of this post says it all... Link to post Share on other sites
nyrias Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 These counselors who advise otherwise are full of it. In fact, I walked out on two of them. Now, I demand to know if they personally have felt the pain of infidelity or are gloriously married! I think those are BAD criteria to choose counselors. In fact, if i ever need infidelity advice (and thank god i don't right now), I would NOT choose a councilor whose personal experience may color his/her judgment. I would want someone who has a long & successful track record, instead of someone who may be emotional, and cannot be objective in the issues. This is not saying disclosure is sub-optimal in *your*case. It is saying i would rather have that advice with confidence that it has the highest chance of working, instead of someone offering a one-size fit-all advice because of past emotional pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 That, IMO, is the REAL reason, all the while pretending it's for noble purposes, i.e. "I refuse to lessen my guilt by hurting my spouse." yes, if they were being honest they'd say, "i'm just a chickensh*** and don't want to catch any hell over this. I simply want to get away with it" Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 the title of this post says it all... and it was written by someone who said she wanted to get into a 2nd affair to get over the 1st affair. so although the title is true, don't take much stock in thinking the poster who wrote it truly believes it. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 I think those are BAD criteria to choose counselors. In fact, if i ever need infidelity advice (and thank god i don't right now), I would NOT choose a councilor whose personal experience may color his/her judgment. I would want someone who has a long & successful track record, instead of someone who may be emotional, and cannot be objective in the issues. This is not saying disclosure is sub-optimal in *your*case. It is saying i would rather have that advice with confidence that it has the highest chance of working, instead of someone offering a one-size fit-all advice because of past emotional pain. The bolded part is why you have difficulty with this kind of counsel. You have no experience with infidelity whatsoever, the game changes once that ball drops in your court. I would advise that the adulterer seek help to find out what caused them to believe it was ok to betray their partner. Cheaters can be very self-centered, have family of origin dysfunctions, have a disorder (borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder or can even be sociopathic). They can be passive aggressive and huge conflict avoiders. Whatever it may be, there is something in them that by-passed the logic of..this will hurt my spouse or they knew it would and did anyway. That is a showing of a total lack of empathy. If you go to a counselor for infidelity and he dismisses the infidelity first and starts a scientific approach to deal with human behavior..9 times out of 10..he will fail at helping that couple. The infidelity is the huge jumbo size elephant in the room. it must be dealt with first..then every other ailment that has wreaked havoc in the marriage should be dealt with in accordance. If your husband or wife cheats on you..all the other problems are magnified now. We must deal with the magnifier (infidelity) then the others can be dealt with too. Being objective is ok, but empathy must be at play here too for the betrayed. The betrayed has been disrespected and wounded. You cannot even begin to start a reconciliation until we deal with the wounds first. We must first, in accordance, get the perpetrator (adulterer) to cease causing harm. This involves going no contact with their affair partner Being open and honest with the betrayed Not trickle truthing, but telling all that the betrayed wants to know so they can heal. If this is too much, there is an old line in the theme from the 1970's hit show Baretta. "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time" Link to post Share on other sites
nyrias Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 The bolded part is why you have difficulty with this kind of counsel. You have no experience with infidelity whatsoever, the game changes once that ball drops in your court. I would advise that the adulterer seek help to find out what caused them to believe it was ok to betray their partner. Cheaters can be very self-centered, have family of origin dysfunctions, have a disorder (borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder or can even be sociopathic). They can be passive aggressive and huge conflict avoiders. Whatever it may be, there is something in them that by-passed the logic of..this will hurt my spouse or they knew it would and did anyway. That is a showing of a total lack of empathy. If you go to a counselor for infidelity and he dismisses the infidelity first and starts a scientific approach to deal with human behavior..9 times out of 10..he will fail at helping that couple. The infidelity is the huge jumbo size elephant in the room. it must be dealt with first..then every other ailment that has wreaked havoc in the marriage should be dealt with in accordance. If your husband or wife cheats on you..all the other problems are magnified now. We must deal with the magnifier (infidelity) then the others can be dealt with too. Being objective is ok, but empathy must be at play here too for the betrayed. The betrayed has been disrespected and wounded. You cannot even begin to start a reconciliation until we deal with the wounds first. We must first, in accordance, get the perpetrator (adulterer) to cease causing harm. This involves going no contact with their affair partner Being open and honest with the betrayed Not trickle truthing, but telling all that the betrayed wants to know so they can heal. If this is too much, there is an old line in the theme from the 1970's hit show Baretta. "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time" Wait. I don't think you are reading what i wrote very carefully. In no part i said to dismiss the infidelity, or not place ample importance on it. My point is that i would NOT choose a counselor whose PERSONAL experience color her judgment. I would MUCH rather have a counselor who has a track record of SUCCESSFULLY deal with infidelity. That is, if i ever need the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFamilyMan Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 keep your head up and be good! Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 keep your head up and be good! she'll be good good in picking out another affair partner to get over the OM like she said she wanted to do. get into one affair to forget the last. weeds is not to be taken seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author weedsandposies Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 memphis, why is it everytime i see your username i look over my shoulder? lol i've been very good. read my update thread Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 memphis, why is it everytime i see your username i look over my shoulder? lol because someone has to call you on your load of bunk please do tell the good people here how it is you justified entering another affair to get over the first one. i've been very good. read my update thread I did. Lets take a look at it shall we With the exception of a few meetings, we have been broken up for over 3 months now. Yesterday OM breaks NC to say he misses me and we need to get back together. Certainly I was happy he contacted me but today not so much. you were happy he contacted you, just one day is better for this than another. I don't see this as you being good. I don't want this roller coaster emotional ride. I don't trust him. you don't trust him?? you? a cheater doesn't trust the OM? your husband is the one that shouldn't be trusting right now. oh wait, he doesn't know does he? And hardly believe him when he tells me how he feels. This is the reason I broke it off. so you broke it off because you didn't believe him, not because you wanted to do right by your husband. oh wait, you haven't told your H the truth have you? How do I make him maintain NC short of a restraining order? tell him to f*** off. He contacts me on a business phone that I can't change or block him from. change your cell # there are tons of ways to accomplishing the goal of NC, methinks you don't want it to end completely. Otherwise you would have thought of this yourself I'm beginning to fear OM might contact H. That would be a disaster all around. I hope he does. Your husband deserves to know the truth about what he is married to, and doesn't deserve to be kept in the dark. and its obvious you are NC with him for the wrong reasons. The only right reason is because you are screwing your H over and want that to stop. But we all know that isn't why you stopped because you wanted to go mess around with someone else to get over the OM. stop cheating by more cheating? LOL The premise of your thread is absolutely true. its just coming from you is hypocritical, and you don't practice what you preach. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 memphis, why is it everytime i see your username i look over my shoulder? lol i've been very good. read my update thread I did... LOL. I'm obsessing over this too much. It's over. You haven't been hiding under a bridge have you? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I did... You haven't been hiding under a bridge have you? Who's that tripping over my bridge? Link to post Share on other sites
Mum Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 My wife cheated on me for years with several different men as she investigated her options. When she found the man she was to leave me for, she then told me all the times she cheated on me, and why. This was the most painful experience of my life and now I trust no one. All it did was teach me no one can be trusted. Meanwhile, she relieved herself of her guilt. Don't ever tell, EVER! Does no one any good. Hinting is enough (as in, "I am not perfect") You did the right thing by keeping it to yourself, move on with a clean conscious. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 My wife cheated on me for years with several different men as she investigated her options. When she found the man she was to leave me for, she then told me all the times she cheated on me, and why. This was the most painful experience of my life and now I trust no one. All it did was teach me no one can be trusted. Meanwhile, she relieved herself of her guilt. Don't ever tell, EVER! Does no one any good. Hinting is enough (as in, "I am not perfect") You did the right thing by keeping it to yourself, move on with a clean conscious. That might work for you, but what about us who were exposed to STDs? Are we supposed to get sick to find out we should have been protecting ourselves? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts