Affairs aren't worth the pain or trouble

[confusedinkansas]

So is this statement saying when you cheat again you won't tell your spouse or is there something else there?

 

Guess I'll never know the answer to that since my intention is to NOT cheat again.......Ever.

[John Michael Kane]

If I felt he wasn't interested in trying or was no longer in love with me it would be over immediately.

 

Which shows how you don't care about him in the first place.

[dreamingoftigers]

I found this book to be absolutely excellent: how to improve your marriage without talking about it

 

I think it could help most marriages affected by infidelity.

[SoulStorm]

I agree with everything said here. I guess I am scared. I do not want my family to break up, plain and simple. I am disgusted by what I did. Disgusted that I could have an A.

 

These were thoughts that you obviously overlooked or pushed aside when you made your choice.

Your suffering in silence will come out in other ways.

 

Misguided anger

 

Depression

 

overwhelming guilt

 

health problems from being stressed in your subconcious

 

You are not appeasing your guilt by telling. The guilt comes from needing to tell. Your own body and soul is making you uneasy because of your wrongdoing. Your own body and soul is saying tell..yet your fear and self preservation say no.

 

Your husband will never have all of you.

[John Michael Kane]

I found this book to be absolutely excellent: how to improve your marriage without talking about it

 

I think it could help most marriages affected by infidelity.

 

In order to get rid of most of the wounds inflicted by cheaters one must talk about it.

[SoulStorm]

Soulstorm - I don't have an idealized perception of marriage. I do not live in a bubble. H and I only share one night a week with eachother, together alone. This is what works for us.

We are not the type of couple that can spend every waking minute together and not suffocate.

Affair happened. And OM saved my marriage. Had he not come into my life it would've been over already.

Problem is you have no concept of marriage . Best for you to stay single until you really can. If you consider a marriage of honesty and trust as living in a bubble, you were never cut out for it. If you want to be a free spirit..that's fine..just don't drag people through the muck if they are expecting something else.

If you can't be open and honest in your marriage..at least be open and honest about who you are.

[nyrias]

Problem is you have no concept of marriage . Best for you to stay single until you really can. If you consider a marriage of honesty and trust as living in a bubble, you were never cut out for it. If you want to be a free spirit..that's fine..just don't drag people through the muck if they are expecting something else.

If you can't be open and honest in your marriage..at least be open and honest about who you are.

 

That is the key. How do you know his partner does not expect the same?

 

Don't you think there are people who stay together because of economics, family alliance, and convenience?

 

If both parties expect no honesty & exclusiveness, nor trust, does that make it ok in your views?

[ladydesigner]

These were thoughts that you obviously overlooked or pushed aside when you made your choice.

Your suffering in silence will come out in other ways.

 

Misguided anger

 

Depression

 

overwhelming guilt

 

health problems from being stressed in your subconcious

 

You are not appeasing your guilt by telling. The guilt comes from needing to tell. Your own body and soul is making you uneasy because of your wrongdoing. Your own body and soul is saying tell..yet your fear and self preservation say no.

 

Your husband will never have all of you.

 

I really do not have any of the issues you have listed.

 

I may have misguided anger but have always had that from past childhood sexual abuse.

 

As far as an overwhelming guilt, I do not have. I felt that having a revenge affair was wrong but I am not losing sleep over it. I am not consumed by what I have done. I am more surprised that I acted out rather than seeking help for my M. I have dealt with a lot of issues with my H and our M probably would have ended, if I had not stuck it out this long. Our M seems to be doing a lot better now than pre-A's.

 

My H may never have all of me but I also feel as though I do not have all of him either. This doesn't really bother me and I'm not sure why that is.

 

I will not be disclosing my A for my own reasons.

[bentnotbroken]

Guess I'll never know the answer to that since my intention is to NOT cheat again.......Ever.

 

 

So no intention=not saying anything if your intention falls short. Got it.

[dreamingoftigers]

In order to get rid of most of the wounds inflicted by cheaters one must talk about it.

 

OMG, I didn't even notice that!

 

No, no the book isn't about hiding an affair....

 

It is about how to improve your marriage without trying to sit down and talk about your marriage...... Which most men dread.

 

It has a lot of great things for men and women without having to write sappy love letters or plan candlelit dinners.

 

I wasn't giving her a book on how not to disclose :lmao:

 

Btw very very excellent book for anyone married, I just think it could really help link up those affected by infidelity.

[confusedinkansas]

So no intention=not saying anything if your intention falls short. Got it.

 

Intention won't fall short...(but thanks for assuming)

...Read the title of this thread

 

Affairs Aren't Worth The Pain or Trouble!

[Owl]

To Lady & Weed:

GOOD FOR YOU for standing your ground on what you believe is right for your situation.

 

So many times folks come to LS with absolutely no intention of telling their spouse & when the LSers are done with them they cave out of guilt - then they come back to post on how dreadful things are & how all hell breaks loose at their house.

 

I'm one of those that caved to you MUST TELL TELL TELL.......Never again!

 

You are completely right.

 

Countless times that's exactly the result that happens from revealing the truth about having had an affair.

 

But unfortunately you left out what normally follows that. Sure, there's anger/emotional devestation when it's revealed...what else could anyone expect??? But...typically it's followed by two things. The first is that at this point BOTH parties get to choose whether or not they want to continue the marriage in light of this new information, as opposed to just one person holding all the control and choices (massively unfair, IMHO). The step after that is typically both parties will start to WORK THROUGH the issues that led to the affair, and learn how to "affair-proof" their marriage as a result.

 

Suggesting that it be kept secret from one half of the marriage just will never seem like the fair or appropriate measure to me.

 

If you know or believe that your spouse would leave you as a result of your infidelity...why is it fair to them to hide that information from them????? That's just total self-serving and self-centered.

 

Think about it...now the rest of the marriage is built on the premise of a LIE that you know that would change their choice to remain with you...how can that POSSIBLY be a good thing???

 

And remember...not all marriages end when the truth comes out.

 

Just curious, CIK...didn't your marriage 'recover' from giving in and telling? Haven't you indicated that your marriage has vastly improved since your affair? It didn't destroy or end your marriage...why do you insist that it will do so for others?

[SoulStorm]

I really do not have any of the issues you have listed.

 

I may have misguided anger but have always had that from past childhood sexual abuse.

 

As far as an overwhelming guilt, I do not have. I felt that having a revenge affair was wrong but I am not losing sleep over it. I am not consumed by what I have done. I am more surprised that I acted out rather than seeking help for my M. I have dealt with a lot of issues with my H and our M probably would have ended, if I had not stuck it out this long. Our M seems to be doing a lot better now than pre-A's.

 

My H may never have all of me but I also feel as though I do not have all of him either. This doesn't really bother me and I'm not sure why that is.

 

I will not be disclosing my A for my own reasons.

 

If you have none of those then you have resentments toward your husband. No one could do such things to the ones they love and not feel anything more than just disgusted. You are more surprised that you did this than who you did it to.

That definitely stems from your childhood where you learned to compartmentalize because of your abuse.

You don't have to tell, but the truth has a way of telling itself. maybe not now or 10 years from now, but it has a way of exposing itself.

You can look around on these very boards and find people whose spouse found out about an affair 20 years ago.

So no..you don't have to disclose..however I would be prepared should the truth disclose itself. You have said you won't deny.

Do you still harbor resentments for your husband.

One last thing..I believe you do have more than one of the things I listed. Compartmentalization is a tool you may have learned to use in dealing with unwanted emotions.

That also could have played a part in how you were able to go through with cheating. Turn the switch off when needed.

[confusedinkansas]

You are completely right.

 

Countless times that's exactly the result that happens from revealing the truth about having had an affair.

 

But unfortunately you left out what normally follows that. Sure, there's anger/emotional devestation when it's revealed...what else could anyone expect??? But...typically it's followed by two things. The first is that at this point BOTH parties get to choose whether or not they want to continue the marriage in light of this new information, as opposed to just one person holding all the control and choices (massively unfair, IMHO). The step after that is typically both parties will start to WORK THROUGH the issues that led to the affair, and learn how to "affair-proof" their marriage as a result.

 

Suggesting that it be kept secret from one half of the marriage just will never seem like the fair or appropriate measure to me.

 

If you know or believe that your spouse would leave you as a result of your infidelity...why is it fair to them to hide that information from them????? That's just total self-serving and self-centered.

 

Think about it...now the rest of the marriage is built on the premise of a LIE that you know that would change their choice to remain with you...how can that POSSIBLY be a good thing???

 

And remember...not all marriages end when the truth comes out.

 

Just curious, CIK...didn't your marriage 'recover' from giving in and telling? Haven't you indicated that your marriage has vastly improved since your affair? It didn't destroy or end your marriage...why do you insist that it will do so for others?

 

 

I hear what you're saying & you're right - not all marriages do end when the truth comes out.

 

<<Although if you ask most here the option is NEVER to work things thru - it's to just run like hell away from the WS....immediately....do not pass go ...... do not collect $200:confused:>> And they balk at those of us that preach that it can work out.

 

My H found out about the A - confronted me - questions for a day or so & that's the end of it. It didn't destroy my marriage (although other things almost did)

 

I realize I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth - but I would have never told him if he wouldn't have found out about it.

My theory on my A - is that it would have just faded away eventually.

[bentnotbroken]

Intention won't fall short...(but thanks for assuming)

...Read the title of this thread

 

Affairs Aren't Worth The Pain or Trouble!

 

 

Didn't assume anything other than you are human like everyone else. But if I was wrong, let me know.

[Memphis Raines]

To Lady & Weed:

GOOD FOR YOU for standing your ground on what you believe is right for your situation.

 

So many times folks come to LS with absolutely no intention of telling their spouse & when the LSers are done with them they cave out of guilt

 

thats because they are refraining from coming clean for reasons other than guilt.

 

they are doing so because they don't want to suffer consequences and give their betrayed other the choice to control their own destiny.

[Memphis Raines]

We don't have serious problems like others on the boards. It's just time. If I felt he wasn't interested in trying or was no longer in love with me it would be over immediately.

 

this coming from the woman that said she wanted to start another side affair to get over the current one.

 

get real.

[Memphis Raines]

I noticed this and have decided to spend more time on the forum especially for the women with children and financially dependant.

 

Most of the posters that try to push for disclosure are men. HAVE YOU WOMEN NOTICED THIS? Please think of yourselves and families and don't allow yourself to be bullied!

 

if you thought about your families, you wouldn't be a cheater.

[SoulStorm]

Originally Posted by weedsandposies

I noticed this and have decided to spend more time on the forum especially for the women with children and financially dependant.

 

Most of the posters that try to push for disclosure are men. HAVE YOU WOMEN NOTICED THIS? Please think of yourselves and families and don't allow yourself to be bullied!

 

So now a cry for solidarity? There are plenty women on here who say disclose. Nobody is bullying anybody. In the end the decision lies with you.

It is not just men saying this to women..we say it to other men too.

Hiding such a secret is manipulation. Maybe it's the manipulation factor. However it is sad when manipulation goes before morals.

[Spark1111]

So now a cry for solidarity? There are plenty women on here who say disclose. Nobody is bullying anybody. In the end the decision lies with you.

It is not just men saying this to women..we say it to other men too.

Hiding such a secret is manipulation. Maybe it's the manipulation factor. However it is sad when manipulation goes before morals.

 

FBS here...and my H's inability to disclose all I needed to know almost ended us.

 

After a decision was made to attempt reconciliation, attempt to trust him again, attempt to rebuild our marriage, I asked for it all: A timeline of events, his feelings at the time, etc.

 

He minimized, omitted and as I stumbled over every new lie, the pain was unbearable. I almost left again. I felt so manipulated by his controlling this information. Didn't he discuss me and our marriage every day with his AP? Where I was, how they'd meet up, how I treated him, blah. blah. blah.

 

And NOW you fight to reconcile with me, but won't tell me all I ask for?

 

You shame is greater than my pain? Because once again, that sends a very clear message that this marriage is all about you. Where is there room for me and my feelings, feelings you caused?

 

I think the BS should have as much or as little info as they need to heal, period. We need to see the WILLINGNESS and courage of our WS to answer all of our questions openly, honestly and with courage!

 

When we do not see it, our first thought is they are still lying. Why take a chance or stake a future on them if they still lie?

 

These counselors who advise otherwise are full of it. In fact, I walked out on two of them. Now, I demand to know if they personally have felt the pain of infidelity or are gloriously married!

 

Any counselor who falls into the middle ground can go stuff their pipe and smoke. I won't respect them.

[ladydesigner]

If you have none of those then you have resentments toward your husband. No one could do such things to the ones they love and not feel anything more than just disgusted. You are more surprised that you did this than who you did it to.

That definitely stems from your childhood where you learned to compartmentalize because of your abuse.

You don't have to tell, but the truth has a way of telling itself. maybe not now or 10 years from now, but it has a way of exposing itself.

You can look around on these very boards and find people whose spouse found out about an affair 20 years ago.

So no..you don't have to disclose..however I would be prepared should the truth disclose itself. You have said you won't deny.

Do you still harbor resentments for your husband.

One last thing..I believe you do have more than one of the things I listed. Compartmentalization is a tool you may have learned to use in dealing with unwanted emotions.

That also could have played a part in how you were able to go through with cheating. Turn the switch off when needed.

 

 

Yes I have had a lot of resentment towards my H, not just over his A's but a myriad of others as well. The resentment is starting to lessen though. My H has changed quite a bit and I believe that has helped.

 

I agree with what you have said about my ability to compartmentalize. I was able to do this during the A and when dealing with unwanted emotions. It makes sense that it is what helped me go through with the cheating.

 

I do appreciate your feedback. Your posts are very informative.

[John Michael Kane]

OMG, I didn't even notice that!

 

No, no the book isn't about hiding an affair....

 

It is about how to improve your marriage without trying to sit down and talk about your marriage...... Which most men dread.

 

It has a lot of great things for men and women without having to write sappy love letters or plan candlelit dinners.

 

I wasn't giving her a book on how not to disclose :lmao:

 

Btw very very excellent book for anyone married, I just think it could really help link up those affected by infidelity.

 

I don't even get what you said.

[dreamingoftigers]

I recommended a book about marriage entitled: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

 

The book has nothing to do with affairs or whether or not disclose them.

 

The book is simply about improving your marriage without using conversation as a key tactic. (I.e. Talking about it)

 

The confusion lay where it looks like I just recommended a book about saving her marriage by not disclosing an affair ("not talking about it")

 

That wasn't what I was suggesting at all. I was merely suggesting a good relationship book that might help her reconnect with her H.

 

Does that make sense now?

Just from your quote in response to the book suggestion looked like I had recommended how to avoid talking about an affair.

[John Michael Kane]

I recommended a book about marriage entitled: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

 

The book has nothing to do with affairs or whether or not disclose them.

 

The book is simply about improving your marriage without using conversation as a key tactic. (I.e. Talking about it)

 

The confusion lay where it looks like I just recommended a book about saving her marriage by not disclosing an affair ("not talking about it")

 

That wasn't what I was suggesting at all. I was merely suggesting a good relationship book that might help her reconnect with her H.

 

Does that make sense now?

Just from your quote in response to the book suggestion looked like I had recommended how to avoid talking about an affair.

 

Ahh okay gotcha gotcha.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still divorce.

[TMCM]

I noticed this and have decided to spend more time on the forum especially for the women with children and financially dependant.

 

Most of the posters that try to push for disclosure are men. HAVE YOU WOMEN NOTICED THIS? Please think of yourselves and families and don't allow yourself to be bullied!

 

Ah the gender card. How pathetic.

 

I truly hope your H finds out the truth. He needs to find out who he is really married to.

Edited May 11, 2011 by TMCM
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