I feel I'm just standing still

[Irishlove]

When my MM went on a business trip I met a very nice guy. One that would be very good for me. My heart belongs to my MM still. I know my MM is divorcing because they are dividing things up. I've explained to him that I love him more than anything but I have others that are pursueing me and I'm not sure if waiting for him is wasting my time. If he wants me he needs to get the divorce process ball rolling, if not I'm not believing a word that comes out of his mouth. Now he is going on another trip for a week which leaves me here dating the new guy while nothing on the divorce end is getting done.

I know he can tell I'm pulling back away from him because I've had smoke blown up my rear for way too long and now this go around he needs to speed things up if he wants me. I am a dang good catch. I love him but I love me more.

Its also nice to have the newer guy. He held my hand, he was SO proud to be with him. He said he liked showing me off and watching other guys stare at me. He's never been married, no kids and would love to have that. He is handome and funny and says the sweetest things. Already he has taken me on a long romantic bike ride, offered to buy me this great shirt to ride on the back of his bike with. None of which the MM has done.

I HAVE to know the MM is done and he says he is not and to please believe him he is going as fast as he can and he is always asking if I really love him. I say of course I do but I'm not waiting.

I don't know what to do.

[ladydesigner]

When my MM went on a business trip I met a very nice guy. One that would be very good for me. My heart belongs to my MM still. I know my MM is divorcing because they are dividing things up. I've explained to him that I love him more than anything but I have others that are pursueing me and I'm not sure if waiting for him is wasting my time. If he wants me he needs to get the divorce process ball rolling, if not I'm not believing a word that comes out of his mouth. Now he is going on another trip for a week which leaves me here dating the new guy while nothing on the divorce end is getting done.

I know he can tell I'm pulling back away from him because I've had smoke blown up my rear for way too long and now this go around he needs to speed things up if he wants me. I am a dang good catch. I love him but I love me more.

Its also nice to have the newer guy. He held my hand, he was SO proud to be with him. He said he liked showing me off and watching other guys stare at me. He's never been married, no kids and would love to have that. He is handome and funny and says the sweetest things. Already he has taken me on a long romantic bike ride, offered to buy me this great shirt to ride on the back of his bike with. None of which the MM has done.

I HAVE to know the MM is done and he says he is not and to please believe him he is going as fast as he can and he is always asking if I really love him. I say of course I do but I'm not waiting.

I don't know what to do.

 

Why not pursue this new guy? He is single and attentive and nice.

 

I know easier said than done but I say forget MM. What if he turns around later and cheats on you too? I don't know. It just seems after all he has put you and his XW through do you really want him? Is your MM really worth all this?

[Irishlove]

Why not pursue this new guy? He is single and attentive and nice.

 

I know easier said than done but I say forget MM. What if he turns around later and cheats on you too? I don't know. It just seems after all he has put you and his XW through do you really want him? Is your MM really worth all this?

I thought he was. But it seems as if the same games are being played. He thinks the old tricks are going to work. Buying us a phone to keep in touch. I know he has access to his profile on a certain network and he puts her and him up. Yea they seem real over. I think the new guy is going to get a real chance for sure. I'm honestly too good of a girl to be toyed with. I love with all my heart and he (mm) has tore it to shreds and I think still doesn't care.

[Bigsmoke]

No question but that you should end the affair and tell the MM's wife about it. Same with the new guy. Tell him everything upfront.

[26pointblue]

I think that right now you are just using this new guy in MM's absence, & that's not going to be beneficial or productive for either you or the new guy. You need to decide on your own-& not because of the new guy-that you are done with MM BECAUSE you want to eventually be able to move on & date a single, available, nice, sweet guy like the new guy. But it doesn't sound to me like you are really able or available to date anyone else right now [i'm not either]. I think you should take some time on your own, away from xMM & the new guy, to figure out what you really want in life & be strong alone & then you can really be able to open your heart up to someone new. xMM doesn't deserve you because he hasn't done the right things to get you. And there are better guys out there than those who cheat on their wives to be with you. I know that for sure even though I am in a place of pain & hurting -- it will only get better if we can move on & forget about these MMs. Good luck.

[Irishlove]

I think that right now you are just using this new guy in MM's absence,not at all & that's not going to be beneficial or productive for either you or the new guy. You need to decide on your own-& not because of the new guy-that you are done He knows about him and how I was hurt with MM BECAUSE you want to eventually be able to move on & date a single, available, nice, sweet guy like the new guy.This new guy is wonderful But it doesn't sound to me like you are really able or available to date anyone else right nowOh but I am. I don't sit around. I had a year of being toyed with. [i'm not either]. I think you should take some time on your own, away from xMM & the new guy, to figure out what you really want in life & be strong alone & then you can really be able to open your heart up to someone new. xMM doesn't deserve you because he hasn't done the right things to get you. And there are better guys out there than those who cheat on their wives to be with you. I know that for sure even though I am in a place of pain & hurting -- it will only get better if we can move on & forget about these MMs. Good luck.

I can move on but I do need to know if MM is over. New guy know I need to take it slow. I'll have an answer within a week. Both of them know of each other now. I have nothing to hide.

[TurboGirl]

Irish,

the world doesn't rise & set on having a man in your life. I see you going from one to another, without giving yourself a chance to be still and get in touch with yourself again. Are you thinking your MM is going to be divorced in a few weeks and all ready & happy to be with you? Takes longer than that.

 

The things you didn't like about the MM will still be there. He isn't all that nice & sweet to you, remember? Is this really about the MM or is it about winning him away from the wife?

[Gentlegirl]

Dear Irish,

 

Do you think that after MM's divorce everything will fall into place and it will be as though he never had another life before you? It doesn't happen like that with any divorce. It can take a year or even years for the emotional fall out to settle. Ex MM might even miss his wife, have to be in touch with her any number of reasons. You cannot just wipe out his past.

 

Your new guy sounds sweet, but you are still emotionally attached to the MM and in no way ready to get involved with another man. JUmping from one relationship to another is asking for trouble. Rebounds cause more difficulties than they are worth.

 

Maybe you should question your motives about the new man. Are you using him to make MM move his butt??? That wouldn't be very nice of you. YOu might be hurting a really nice man for your own selfish purposes. Are you afraid of being alone? Or are you just confused?

 

We all have to go NC, go through the really tough early days and then start to heal and get our heads around what the affair was all about.

 

I can see now it was all about MM. He stepped in and took control of my life, isolated me, threw me crumbs to keep me interested then dumped me on my bum. I let him do it so I must take full responsiblity for my actions.

 

Yes Irish, do stand still and quietly ( alone) for a period of time and allow it all to become clear in your mind before you act. Hindsight is a great thing but by the time you get it, it's usally too late!

 

My thoughts are with you,

Gentlegirl

[carrie999]

I think that right now you are just using this new guy in MM's absence, & that's not going to be beneficial or productive for either you or the new guy. You need to decide on your own-& not because of the new guy-that you are done with MM BECAUSE you want to eventually be able to move on & date a single, available, nice, sweet guy like the new guy. But it doesn't sound to me like you are really able or available to date anyone else right now [i'm not either]. I think you should take some time on your own, away from xMM & the new guy, to figure out what you really want in life & be strong alone & then you can really be able to open your heart up to someone new. xMM doesn't deserve you because he hasn't done the right things to get you. And there are better guys out there than those who cheat on their wives to be with you. I know that for sure even though I am in a place of pain & hurting -- it will only get better if we can move on & forget about these MMs. Good luck.

 

Perfectly put. You're not ready to move on at all. You need to move on eventually, but the first step is putting MM in the past and really closing that door. If you're doing the rebound thing, casually date someone who is sweet and fun but in a similar position in terms of not being ready, or who just wouldn't be a good long-term match for very obvious reasons...meaning you'd both go into it with no expectations. This is the time for you to focus on yourself and how you wound up involved with MM and how to avoid it...as well as to enjoy your hobbies and friendships and work towards being ready for something REAL down the road. If you need to have a fling, go for it! Just don't make it "this guy" vs. MM. Look at it more as "there are lots of possibilities out there for me...."

[whichwayisup]

Irish,

the world doesn't rise & set on having a man in your life. I see you going from one to another, without giving yourself a chance to be still and get in touch with yourself again. Are you thinking your MM is going to be divorced in a few weeks and all ready & happy to be with you? Takes longer than that.

 

The things you didn't like about the MM will still be there. He isn't all that nice & sweet to you, remember? Is this really about the MM or is it about winning him away from the wife?

 

I agree.

 

The new guy? You don't have real feelings for him, in a sense, you're using him..As a bandaid. Your heart is totally closed off to him because of your MM. As T said, you can't bounce out of an affair and straight into the arms of another man and MM can't bounce out of his marriage and 2 days later be "yours" and start a new life with you. That's messed up and very unhealthy, sets a path for unstable relationship, even more so since you and Mm are still in an affair dynamic. Hope this makes sense to you.

[Irishlove]

I understand what you are saying. I do love my MM. I just don't think the MM is going to make the move. I still hear that he is. We spoke last night he said he was going to let his wife know before he goes to his meeting. I'll know. I don't want to get jerked around anymore. My dream would be to eventually have my MM and I'm very aware of what it's going to be like once we are together (if we become together). We lived together I know it's going to be rocky as all get out. Oh trust me I KNOW!

 

I've NEVER been a girl who has to have a guy. I went seven years without one. I never dated. I was closed off, I just never needed a guy to validate me in anyway.

 

Now, as for the new guy...we met through a friend. We are friends right now. It has possibilities that it could get serious. He knows I have to take it slow. I was very honest about the MM and how I was hurt and to be fair to him, we have to go slow. He is ok. I'm ok.

 

I don't want to hurt anyone. But I'm not letting a good guy go because well...I'm not stupid. Right now I am enjoying his friendship.

 

You girls are dear and I do listen but in the end I have to decide and chose what to do and then live this life. (hugs)

[fooled once]

I think that right now you are just using this new guy in MM's absence, & that's not going to be beneficial or productive for either you or the new guy. You need to decide on your own-& not because of the new guy-that you are done with MM BECAUSE you want to eventually be able to move on & date a single, available, nice, sweet guy like the new guy. But it doesn't sound to me like you are really able or available to date anyone else right now [i'm not either]. I think you should take some time on your own, away from xMM & the new guy, to figure out what you really want in life & be strong alone & then you can really be able to open your heart up to someone new. xMM doesn't deserve you because he hasn't done the right things to get you. And there are better guys out there than those who cheat on their wives to be with you. I know that for sure even though I am in a place of pain & hurting -- it will only get better if we can move on & forget about these MMs. Good luck.

 

 

Irish,

the world doesn't rise & set on having a man in your life. I see you going from one to another, without giving yourself a chance to be still and get in touch with yourself again. Are you thinking your MM is going to be divorced in a few weeks and all ready & happy to be with you? Takes longer than that.

The things you didn't like about the MM will still be there. He isn't all that nice & sweet to you, remember? Is this really about the MM or is it about winning him away from the wife?

 

Dear Irish,

 

Do you think that after MM's divorce everything will fall into place and it will be as though he never had another life before you? It doesn't happen like that with any divorce. It can take a year or even years for the emotional fall out to settle. Ex MM might even miss his wife, have to be in touch with her any number of reasons. You cannot just wipe out his past.

 

Your new guy sounds sweet, but you are still emotionally attached to the MM and in no way ready to get involved with another man. JUmping from one relationship to another is asking for trouble. Rebounds cause more difficulties than they are worth.

 

Maybe you should question your motives about the new man. Are you using him to make MM move his butt??? That wouldn't be very nice of you. YOu might be hurting a really nice man for your own selfish purposes. Are you afraid of being alone? Or are you just confused?

 

We all have to go NC, go through the really tough early days and then start to heal and get our heads around what the affair was all about.

 

Yes Irish, do stand still and quietly ( alone) for a period of time and allow it all to become clear in your mind before you act. Hindsight is a great thing but by the time you get it, it's usally too late!

 

My thoughts are with you,

Gentlegirl

 

I agree.

 

The new guy? You don't have real feelings for him, in a sense, you're using him..As a bandaid. Your heart is totally closed off to him because of your MM. As T said, you can't bounce out of an affair and straight into the arms of another man and MM can't bounce out of his marriage and 2 days later be "yours" and start a new life with you. That's messed up and very unhealthy, sets a path for unstable relationship, even more so since you and Mm are still in an affair dynamic. Hope this makes sense to you.

 

ditto, ditto, ditto

[Irishlove]

My MM is done with his W. She has gone to the attorney and signing. He said "I hope you are ready because here we go and I hope you love me like you say you do" So now, I let them work out the divorce and I'll give him that space. He knows I'm here if he needs me. He kept coming back to me. I left and stayed gone. He would call or he would come see me. He has even said it's not worth fighting it because he will always come back to me. He does not love his W. He doesn't want to touch her or be around her. She knows that his mind is on me.

The seas are going to get rough. He is ready for it, I'm ready.

As for the sweet man I met I told him the truth. He said he was hurt and I explained he was moving too fast. We only went for one date and he texted me that he was going to marry me. That freaked me out a bit.

 

So I guess I'm going to have the man I want. We are waiting a while before we move in for obvious reasons. He has a rocky and rough road on his side. I'm helpless. I'll do anything he asks. His W tried talking to me and I didn't respond. I loved him so long ago and still do. The issues we had we talked about and worked through. I have my sweetheart. He is now mine. I'll suggest counseling once things have settled.

Please support. No more negativity.

[Owl]

So what's the timeline for divorce in his state if it's uncontested (which it sounds like it is now that she's agreed to sign)?

 

What's his plan as far as living arrangements now that the divorce is on board? Find a place of his own, move in with you?

 

The bottom line is...does he have a plan, do you have a plan, and have you worked out how to get where you're headed?

 

It sounds as though things are proceeding. I'd simply recommend some caution on your part until things are DONE, and he's clearly dealt with the grief at the end of his relationship with her.

[Irishlove]

So what's the timeline for divorce in his state if it's uncontested (which it sounds like it is now that she's agreed to sign)?It's already begun. Could be a month or less.

 

What's his plan as far as living arrangements now that the divorce is on board? Find a place of his own, move in with you?He will live on his own until we feel it's time for us to move in together again. I have children so a ring must be placed on my finger before he is back in. The first time I was too wrapped up in "winning my man" that I didn't think of the example I was setting. So it WILL be slow.

 

The bottom line is...does he have a plan, do you have a plan, and have you worked out how to get where you're headed? The plan is for us to become a family unit. For his children (adults) to understand or handle it the best they can. Things need to calm down. This isn't going to be an over night thing. It will take time.

 

It sounds as though things are proceeding. I'd simply recommend some caution on your part until things are DONE, and he's clearly dealt with the grief at the end of his relationship with her.

We have talked about the grief and the steps. I also went through a divorce and even though you no longer love the person it is still sad. You put many years into it. It's the end of an era. My own papers get finalized soon. I haven't been with my H for eight to nine years. He has a counselor to speak with. I will go to my church group.

 

Thank you for caring and asking questions. I need to hear things that maybe I haven't thought about. (hugs)

[whichwayisup]

My MM is done with his W. She has gone to the attorney and signing. He said "I hope you are ready because here we go and I hope you love me like you say you do" So now, I let them work out the divorce and I'll give him that space. He knows I'm here if he needs me. He kept coming back to me. I left and stayed gone. He would call or he would come see me. He has even said it's not worth fighting it because he will always come back to me. He does not love his W. He doesn't want to touch her or be around her. She knows that his mind is on me.

The seas are going to get rough. He is ready for it, I'm ready.

As for the sweet man I met I told him the truth. He said he was hurt and I explained he was moving too fast. We only went for one date and he texted me that he was going to marry me. That freaked me out a bit.

 

So I guess I'm going to have the man I want. We are waiting a while before we move in for obvious reasons. He has a rocky and rough road on his side. I'm helpless. I'll do anything he asks. His W tried talking to me and I didn't respond. I loved him so long ago and still do. The issues we had we talked about and worked through. I have my sweetheart. He is now mine. I'll suggest counseling once things have settled.

Please support. No more negativity.

 

Why didn't you talk to his wife? Since she is the one pushing him out the door and divorcing him? Are you scared to face her?

 

Well, good luck. Shield your heart, this isn't over yet and the ride is going to be very bumpy.