To tell the BS ??

[jessyj]

Do you think it is ever acceptable to tell the BS about the affair ? If you are a BS do you think you would have wanted to be told about the affair either from your WS or the AP ?

 

In my own situation the affair has not come to an end as yet however my MM has become more distant lately. He says he loves me and nothing has changed in his head but I am beginning to doubt his commitment.

 

A few months ago his son found a conversation on his phone between us and accused him in front of his wife of having an affair with me. My MM subsequently denied the A and nothing more was said. This alone confuses me that his BS never questioned him or suspected something.

 

I am becoming overwhelmed with guilt. I question whether I should tell his BS about the A but I dont want to cause pain purely to heal my guilt.

[bentnotbroken]

Do you think it is ever acceptable to tell the BS about the affair ? If you are a BS do you think you would have wanted to be told about the affair either from your WS or the AP ?

 

In my own situation the affair has not come to an end as yet however my MM has become more distant lately. He says he loves me and nothing has changed in his head but I am beginning to doubt his commitment.

 

A few months ago his son found a conversation on his phone between us and accused him in front of his wife of having an affair with me. My MM subsequently denied the A and nothing more was said. This alone confuses me that his BS never questioned him or suspected something.

 

I am becoming overwhelmed with guilt. I question whether I should tell his BS about the A but I dont want to cause pain purely to heal my guilt.

 

 

You don't know whether she questioned him or not. To have your son find evidence of your A and have to be put in that situation makes me sick. I know what my own child went through after discovering Mr. Messy's affair. And just like the punk that they are, they both lied about it. If they are sooooo in wub:love: with their affair partners, then why when given the opportunity to profess that love, they tuck tail, lick their balls and assume the standard position of head up their azz so far they are oxygen deprived? I will never get that.

 

I am not one of those who cared who told me, as long as somebody grew a backbone and did it. It is amazing to me that no guilt stopped the affair, but better late than never. Tell her.

[spice4life]

It is not your place to tell unless she calls you up and asks herself. Then, in that case you should be honest because she is seeking answers. However, in the case you just described, she had the evidense right in front of her and she chose to accept what she was told. I think that means she doesn't want to know. Besides, you knowingly got involved and the only real choice you have, if the guilt is killing you, is to extract yourself out of the situation. Why would you tell someone, who obviously doesn't really want to know, that you helped their husband cheat? It is not your place unless she comes out and asks you directly. JMHO

[jessyj]

However, in the case you just described, she had the evidense right in front of her and she chose to accept what she was told. I think that means she doesn't want to know.

 

I cant understand why someone would choose to ignore such a betrayal and not even question their husband. I realise than when people are married for 20/30 years they have a strong level of trust between them but any person would question their partner when faced with such evidence. Maybe people would rather live in blissful ignorance to what is happening

 

Besides, you knowingly got involved and the only real choice you have, if the guilt is killing you, is to extract yourself out of the situation.

 

I know you are right and i do not want to tell her to make myself feel better I was just curious as to a BS would want to know.

[Bigsmoke]

Telling is the right thing todo. It allows her to make an informed decision.

[whichwayisup]

Do you think it is ever acceptable to tell the BS about the affair ? If you are a BS do you think you would have wanted to be told about the affair either from your WS or the AP ?

 

In my own situation the affair has not come to an end as yet however my MM has become more distant lately. He says he loves me and nothing has changed in his head but I am beginning to doubt his commitment.

 

A few months ago his son found a conversation on his phone between us and accused him in front of his wife of having an affair with me. My MM subsequently denied the A and nothing more was said. This alone confuses me that his BS never questioned him or suspected something.

 

I am becoming overwhelmed with guilt. I question whether I should tell his BS about the A but I dont want to cause pain purely to heal my guilt.

 

Well, obviously it never occured to you that your MM is LYING to you. It could very well be that his wife DID question him, alot, and he denied it and convinced her that you two were "just" friends. And, he could have thrown you under the bus..Meaning, he made it seem like YOU are chasing him and you have a crush on him and he's just putting up with you to be nice. Many MM throw their OW under the bus, just FYI.

 

Anyway, what is your reasonings for telling her? So she'll know and kick him out, divorce him so he'll be yours? OR so the A will finally end? What result to expect by telling her? To relieve your own guilt only?

 

If you tell her, you NEED to own your part in the affair, apologize for helping her husband betray her. Don't put all the blame on him..You were a willing partner in this as you knew he was married right from the start. Noone held a gun to your head and made you cheat with a MM with children.

 

Anyway, be prepared for the fallout if you tell. Not only her wraith, but his too. Chances are, he's going to make it seem like you chased him, throw you under the bus even more so and lie to his wife. Plus, you have NO idea what frame of mind she'll be in when/if you tell her, so you may get reaction from you that you're not prepared for. BE sure this is what you want to do... And understand your own reasons for wanting to tell her. Whether it be for revenge to 'get' him, 'hurt' him or finally put an end to it all ... Own it.

[BB07]

Do you think it is ever acceptable to tell the BS about the affair ? If you are a BS do you think you would have wanted to be told about the affair either from your WS or the AP ?

 

XOW here, I did talk with the BS but the circumstances weren't anything as you've described below.

 

In my own situation the affair has not come to an end as yet however my MM has become more distant lately. He says he loves me and nothing has changed in his head but I am beginning to doubt his commitment.

 

The above doesn't make much sense as you are contradicting yourself. In one breathe you said the affair is over but in the next you said he is more distant and he still loves you but you doubt his commitment. I'm assuming that you are telling yourself it's over because of the way he is acting, is that right??

 

A few months ago his son found a conversation on his phone between us and accused him in front of his wife of having an affair with me. My MM subsequently denied the A and nothing more was said. This alone confuses me that his BS never questioned him or suspected something.

 

As Bent pointed out, you have no way of knowing what was said or what she questioned unless you were there. More than likely she questioned and he lied.

I am becoming overwhelmed with guilt. I question whether I should tell his BS about the A but I dont want to cause pain purely to heal my guilt.

 

Why the guilt now? Is it because he isn't giving you the attention he once was, so you think it's over and your motivation is about revenge or thoughts of him walking away unscathed?

 

Personally I don't understand the thought process of wanting to tell the BS AFTER the fact.

[jessyj]

Well, obviously it never occured to you that your MM is LYING to you. It could very well be that his wife DID question him, alot, and he denied it and convinced her that you two were "just" friends. And, he could have thrown you under the bus..Meaning, he made it seem like YOU are chasing him and you have a crush on him and he's just putting up with you to be nice. Many MM throw their OW under the bus, just FYI.

 

Not all MM lie constantly. I trust my MM entirely. If we didnt have trust then we would have nothing between us. He had no reason to tell me about this confrontation but he did because of circumstance that we got ourselves into.

 

Anyway, what is your reasonings for telling her? So she'll know and kick him out, divorce him so he'll be yours? OR so the A will finally end? What result to expect by telling her? To relieve your own guilt only?

 

I do not want to admit to the affair for anyone but the BS benefit. It will not make me feel better and I am not naive enough to think MM will be mine as a result of it ( in fact it would probably drive him further away) I just feel I finally owe her some honesty

[fooled once]

Do you think it is ever acceptable to tell the BS about the affair ? If you are a BS do you think you would have wanted to be told about the affair either from your WS or the AP ?

 

In my own situation the affair has not come to an end as yet however my MM has become more distant lately. He says he loves me and nothing has changed in his head but I am beginning to doubt his commitment.

 

A few months ago his son found a conversation on his phone between us and accused him in front of his wife of having an affair with me. My MM subsequently denied the A and nothing more was said. This alone confuses me that his BS never questioned him or suspected something.

 

I am becoming overwhelmed with guilt. I question whether I should tell his BS about the A but I dont want to cause pain purely to heal my guilt.

 

Well, obviously it never occured to you that your MM is LYING to you. It could very well be that his wife DID question him, alot, and he denied it and convinced her that you two were "just" friends. And, he could have thrown you under the bus..Meaning, he made it seem like YOU are chasing him and you have a crush on him and he's just putting up with you to be nice. Many MM throw their OW under the bus, just FYI.

 

Anyway, what is your reasonings for telling her? So she'll know and kick him out, divorce him so he'll be yours? OR so the A will finally end? What result to expect by telling her? To relieve your own guilt only?

 

If you tell her, you NEED to own your part in the affair, apologize for helping her husband betray her. Don't put all the blame on him..You were a willing partner in this as you knew he was married right from the start. Noone held a gun to your head and made you cheat with a MM with children.

 

Anyway, be prepared for the fallout if you tell. Not only her wraith, but his too. Chances are, he's going to make it seem like you chased him, throw you under the bus even more so and lie to his wife. Plus, you have NO idea what frame of mind she'll be in when/if you tell her, so you may get reaction from you that you're not prepared for. BE sure this is what you want to do... And understand your own reasons for wanting to tell her. Whether it be for revenge to 'get' him, 'hurt' him or finally put an end to it all ... Own it.

 

Excellent answer WWIU. I agree with everything you said.

 

I always wonder why so many OW can fault the wife for not 'seeing what is right in her face', yet they will not admit the MM could actually be LYING to them. They swear up and down that he doesn't lie to HER. Ridiculous.

 

MM lie, period. A wife chooses to believe him and she is dumb. A OW believes him and she knows him better than anyone and knows he would never lie to her.

 

Why do you want to tell the OW? To force his hand? To make HER kick him out? Are you okay with only being his fall back plan? Seems like he isn't leaving. That should tell you something.

 

If you do decide to tell, OWN your own part in this. And don't be shocked if he denies all to his wife, throws you under the bus and tells you he will never be with you because of you telling his wife. Be prepared for anything. IF she does kick him out, and he crawls to you, be okay with knowing had she not kicked him out, he never would have left.

[whichwayisup]

Not all MM lie constantly. I trust my MM entirely. If we didnt have trust then we would have nothing between us. He had no reason to tell me about this confrontation but he did because of circumstance that we got ourselves into.

 

I do not want to admit to the affair for anyone but the BS benefit. It will not make me feel better and I am not naive enough to think MM will be mine as a result of it ( in fact it would probably drive him further away) I just feel I finally owe her some honesty

 

Have you asked him if he still has sex with his wife? Sleeps in the same bed?

What's his answer? Yes, no, he refuses sex from her, or she isn't into sex? From what I've read on here, MOST MM still have sex with their wives even during the A.

Sorry, but you are setting yourself up for a huge fall if you believe everything he tells you and have complete trust in him. Why would he only tell you the truth, his OW, never lie or omit truths from you then turn around and treat his wife like a big fool, lie, deceive and betray her, the woman he said VOWS to infront of family and friends...The woman who carried his children for 9 months, had his baby.. You truly believe he never will or has lied to you? Yet you DO know he's fully capable of lying to his wife. You're fooling yourself.

[fooled once]

Not all MM lie constantly. I trust my MM entirely. If we didnt have trust then we would have nothing between us. He had no reason to tell me about this confrontation but he did because of circumstance that we got ourselves into.

 

I do not want to admit to the affair for anyone but the BS benefit. It will not make me feel better and I am not naive enough to think MM will be mine as a result of it ( in fact it would probably drive him further away) I just feel I finally owe her some honesty

 

Why NOW so you 'owe her some honestly'? Didn't she deserve that before you started sleeping with her husband?

 

Why do you trust the MM entirely? He has proven he is untrustworthy. What makes you think he is being honest with his mistress of however many months? I mean, he isn't being honest with his wife of XX YEARS and the mother to his child!

[jessyj]

Have you asked him if he still has sex with his wife? Sleeps in the same bed?

 

The intimacy left their relationship before we even began our relationship so no he does not have sex with his wife. He cares for her as a friend but there is nothing more than friendship.

 

 

Sorry, but you are setting yourself up for a huge fall if you believe everything he tells you and have complete trust in him.

 

I obviously dont have complete trust in him. He is cheating after all and is probably becoming quite skilled at deceiving. What i do believe however is that when I ask him a question about his M, he will give me an honest answer. I am sure he has kept information from me in order to deceive me at some level .... thats the situation i have put myself in.

 

 

Why would he only tell you the truth, his OW, never lie or omit truths from you then turn around and treat his wife like a big fool, lie, deceive and betray her, the woman he said VOWS to infront of family and friends...The woman who carried his children for 9 months, had his baby.. QUOTE]

 

I fully respect all that, but I have been through an awful lot with him also and have lost alot as a result of our A so I think he has respect and love for me as well as his wife

[jessyj]

Why NOW so you 'owe her some honestly'? Didn't she deserve that before you started sleeping with her husband?

 

Yes of course she deserved that before but I cant go back and undo what I have done !!

[daisy love]

If they are sooooo in wub:love: with their affair partners, then why when given the opportunity to profess that love, they tuck tail, lick their balls and assume the standard position of head up their azz so far they are oxygen deprived? I will never get that.

LMAOOOOOO!!

If my man could lick his balls, he'd never leave his office!

[daisy love]

Excellent answer WWIU. I agree with everything you said.

 

I always wonder why so many OW can fault the wife for not 'seeing what is right in her face', yet they will not admit the MM could actually be LYING to them. They swear up and down that he doesn't lie to HER. Ridiculous.

 

MM lie, period. A wife chooses to believe him and she is dumb. A OW believes him and she knows him better than anyone and knows he would never lie to her.

 

Why do you want to tell the OW? To force his hand? To make HER kick him out? Are you okay with only being his fall back plan? Seems like he isn't leaving. That should tell you something.

 

If you do decide to tell, OWN your own part in this. And don't be shocked if he denies all to his wife, throws you under the bus and tells you he will never be with you because of you telling his wife. Be prepared for anything. IF she does kick him out, and he crawls to you, be okay with knowing had she not kicked him out, he never would have left.

And you know all this HOW??? Geeze, are you the BW? If your not, why so bitter?

 

SOME MM have NO REASON to lie to us OW! SOME of us love and accept our men as they are!! SOME of us don't judge, we LOVE!

[daisy love]

Yes of course she deserved that before but I cant go back and undo what I have done !!

Jessy,

Don't worry about it so much!! What do YOU want out of your relationship with MM? Do you want him to leave and be with you?

 

Someone told me to get my man by forcing a d-day. I wouldn't do that to my love. It would be too upsetting to him, and he'd be angry with me for doing it. He has a plan, and I must trust him to stick to the plan.

 

Does your love have a plan?

[daisy love]

Oh by the way jessy,

Don't worry about all these people with sour grapes who think things never ever work out. They just don't want to admit that sometimes MM really DO LEAVE!!

 

BIG HUGS!!

[jwi71]

Do you think it is ever acceptable to tell the BS about the affair ? If you are a BS do you think you would have wanted to be told about the affair either from your WS or the AP ?

 

In my own situation the affair has not come to an end as yet however my MM has become more distant lately. He says he loves me and nothing has changed in his head but I am beginning to doubt his commitment.

 

A few months ago his son found a conversation on his phone between us and accused him in front of his wife of having an affair with me. My MM subsequently denied the A and nothing more was said. This alone confuses me that his BS never questioned him or suspected something.

 

I am becoming overwhelmed with guilt. I question whether I should tell his BS about the A but I dont want to cause pain purely to heal my guilt.

 

Why didn't he take that opportunity to admit his love for you (and his child you are pregnant with), file for D and take steps to be with you?

 

When does he plan on telling his son that he (the son) will have a half-brother shortly?

 

Why would he not "step up"?

[jessyj]

Jessy,

Don't worry about it so much!! What do YOU want out of your relationship with MM? Do you want him to leave and be with you??

 

Yes I would love nothing more than for us to be together but unfortunately things are not that simple. We have been through so much in the past few months that the whole dynamics of our A has changed. It is a fully fledged relationship and we have overcome serious obstacles. He has said he will not makes promises to me he knows he may not be able to keep and has said he wants to leave but has put a time limit on it.

 

I do not want to tell BS for him to leave. If things do not work out with us I feel that his wife still deserves to know what has been going on behind her back. I have not been lying to her. I dont even know her but i do feel for her.

 

Thanks for your kindness Daisy Love, I was beginning to think a witch hunt has begun. Appreciate your understanding

[whichwayisup]

Oh by the way jessy,

Don't worry about all these people with sour grapes who think things never ever work out. They just don't want to admit that sometimes MM really DO LEAVE!!

 

BIG HUGS!!

 

Obviously some MM do leave their wives...But, those who do, don't continue the A, continue to lie and betray their wives. They make a plan and stick to it, their actions follow their words. Noone here says NO MM ever leave their wives and divorce, but sadly, the majority of people who DO post here don't have that outcome.

 

In Jessy's situation, her MM had the perfect opportunity to tell his wife the truth..What did he do? LIE and DENY. That isn' a man who's on the way out the door, that's a man who is happy staying married and happy having an affair. A true cake eater.

[jessyj]

Why didn't he take that opportunity to admit his love for you (and his child you are pregnant with), file for D and take steps to be with you?

 

When does he plan on telling his son that he (the son) will have a half-brother shortly?

 

Why would he not "step up"?

 

 

At that stage he did not know I was pregnant, neither of us did.

 

I am now sadly no longer pregnant so It is no longer an issue for him or us to worry about.

 

He didnt step up to the mark then for fear of ruining his sons exams and education and I think he wants to have full control over the situation and not be forced into revealing the A but rather leave on his own terms

[whichwayisup]

The intimacy left their relationship before we even began our relationship so no he does not have sex with his wife. He cares for her as a friend but there is nothing more than friendship.

If you truly believe that, then you're fooling yourself. He had his opportunity to come clean and tell her the truth, but instead, he LIED and DENIED. That isn't a man planning on leaving his wife. Not even close.

 

He's happy with having you on the side and staying married. He is happy with having his cake and eating it too.

 

 

 

I obviously dont have complete trust in him. He is cheating after all and is probably becoming quite skilled at deceiving. What i do believe however is that when I ask him a question about his M, he will give me an honest answer. I am sure he has kept information from me in order to deceive me at some level .... thats the situation i have put myself in.

Yes it is and I'm glad you're aware of this. THough, don't be SHOCKED to find out at some point he has lied to you more than you know. Not out of malciousness, but selfishness. This guy puts HIMSELF first. Remember that!

 

 

 

I fully respect all that, but I have been through an awful lot with him also and have lost alot as a result of our A so I think he has respect and love for me as well as his wife

 

Well, I guess it comes down to who he loves and respects more. And of course, his children.

[whichwayisup]

If things do not work out with us I feel that his wife still deserves to know what has been going on behind her back.

 

So it IS revenge. Thoughts of telling her never entered your mind until things changed. Or if things end/don't work out.

 

You want HIM to suffer, for her to know what type of man she's married to, but ONLY if you two don't work out?

 

No witch hunt here. Noone has name called, been rude. Yes, you've had some harsh advice, reality checks, but noone has put the stakes on you like Daisy has implied. She's a "happy other woman" who feels no shame or guilt in how she lives her life, that's fine, but she cannot expect everybody to feel that way. The world is made up of different people with different opinions and thoughts.. Something she has to accept and not put those down who don't give hand holding, fun loving support like she does.

[TurboGirl]

Obviously some MM do leave their wives...But, those who do, don't continue the A, continue to lie and betray their wives. They make a plan and stick to it, their actions follow their words. Noone here says NO MM ever leave their wives and divorce, but sadly, the majority of people who DO post here don't have that outcome.

 

In Jessy's situation, her MM had the perfect opportunity to tell his wife the truth..What did he do? LIE and DENY. That isn' a man who's on the way out the door, that's a man who is happy staying married and happy having an affair. A true cake eater.

 

I do agree here with wwiu. However, I don't think it is up to you to tell the BS about the A. Your MM needs to do it. What purpose would that serve, other than ridding yourself of your guilt?

 

How do you know that he has not pledged honesty & faithfulness to his W? Everyone lies, JessyJ. Everyone... especially MM in situations like this. Perhaps one in a million don't, but mainly they do.

 

A heads up... if he is "distant" he may be looking for a way out of the A with you. Just a thought. Since you are no longer pregnant, he may not feel obligated to go through with his plan to be with you. Sad hard fact, JessyJ. If you are waiting for him to leave on his own terms you could be in for a long haul...years... or maybe never.

[daisy love]

Obviously some MM do leave their wives...But, those who do, don't continue the A, continue to lie and betray their wives. They make a plan and stick to it, their actions follow their words. Noone here says NO MM ever leave their wives and divorce, but sadly, the majority of people who DO post here don't have that outcome.

 

In Jessy's situation, her MM had the perfect opportunity to tell his wife the truth..What did he do? LIE and DENY. That isn' a man who's on the way out the door, that's a man who is happy staying married and happy having an affair. A true cake eater.

How do YOU know this? Maybe he has a plan and was blindsided by the accusation! Maybe be wants to protect Jessy if BW flipped her wig!!

 

You weren't there. You don't know any better than Jessy does. If she believes her love, then she should sit tight.