Rose1977 Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 I am going to tell you upfront that I am a BS and I have been the OW, so here is my question to you. So you are saying that you love and accept a MM as he is? A liar, betrayer, heart breaker, cheater, etc? You are honestly saying that you don't judge, but love a man who can commit or has committed his life to another woman and completely destroyed those vows because why? His wife isn't interested in sex anymore? Because he has fallen out of love with his wife? Because he is staying for the children? Because, well just for whatever "truthful" reason he has for betraying the confidence of another person? Fact of the matter is, where is he now and what is YOUR relationship with this man reduced to? Where is he right now? The man that you LOVE so much? Do you know for a fact what happens with is wife behind closed doors? Imagine this a day in the life of a MM having an affair: He wakes his wife up before he leaves for work in the morning and kisses her telling her that he loves her. She get's up, get's ready for work not even wondering why in the world he left for work at 4am in morning because they need the money to get some repairs done to the house that they bought that they love so much. Throughout the day he is emailing her, flirting with her, telling her about his day, telling her how much he loves her. They are talking about their bills here and there, wondering what to make for dinner, talking about what their plans are for the weekend. He get's off work before her so he calls her to talk to her on his way home. He talks to her for a minute and tells her about his day, she listens because he hates his job. She get's off work, he is doing laundry and talking to their daughter. He greets her as she enters the kitchen. Hugs and kisses her telling her how much he loves her. He grabs her butt and squeezes telling her how much he wants her later that evening when the kids have gone to bed. As they make dinner together they playfully touch and kiss each other. They laugh, they joke as dinner is finished. At dinner everyone is sitting around the table, discussing whatever topic comes to mind. After dinner they clear the table together, in harmony like a well oiled machine. They clean off the plates and put them in the dishwasher not missing a beat. They work in tune. He finishes the laundry, folds it then puts it where it needs to go. She goes upstairs to take a hot bath to unwind from her day. She is thinking about what sexually explicit things she wants to do to her loving and adoring husband when they go to bed. She get's out of the bath, puts something on that makes her feel sexy. Sprays on his favorite bath spray. She comes down stairs and they watch TV together laughing, and talking through out their shows. Later that evening the kids are put to bed and it's mommy/daddy time. They make passionate fulfilling love and they both go to sleep. The next morning he get's up, get's ready for work. Before he leave he kisses his wife and tells her how much he loves her. SAD SAD FACT: THIS WAS MY LIFE! Now tell me, do MM lie???? NA, you're new so I will break Daisy's situation down for you. Her MM doesn't lie b/c he doesn't have to. He is also so wealthy that he has spent years managing an exit because apparantly he has more money than Bill Gates, so he needs to hide assets from his wife before he files for divorce. Oh, and it's the wife's fault that he cheats because if she had taken care of herself he wouldn't be cheating. He never has sex with his wife. And if you try to tell her differently she will accuse you of hating her for being in love with a MM. Just trust me on this one, not worth the effort Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 i would have wanted to know. i may not have believed it at the time i was told (because we were essentially very happy together) - but it would have prompted me to start looking into several things that didn't seem to be making sense- for a long while... yes, i would have appreciated knowing - even if the truth hurts - i still would have loved to understand what that truth was at that time... instead of living in all the lies he created for way too long. Link to post Share on other sites
JMacGirl26 Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Take it from me, MM LIE!!! They are good at lying, or so they think. I have known many married men who have cheated. I have heard their lies. They get lying down to a science. And the sad thing is, there are so many wives out there who actually believe their husband is a good, trusting man and they would never believe in a million years that their husband would cheat. Those are the wives who never believe the OW for a second. I've had clients, well respected men in the community, business owners, political figures, etc. flirt with me and email me making it very obvious they'd like to come over and "fool around." I asked one of them once in an email "why do you cheat?" His answer..."well I have cheated yet...who said I would?". PUHLEEZE. Then he told me "I like to make women feel good." This man works for his wife's father!! They are in the construction business and very wealthy. Why would he ever risk that??? That is a question I will die never knowing the answer to. And it's not just men who cheat, so you men reading this, please don't get angry. haha I know that women can be just as sneaky and manipulative and unfaithful as men can be. Link to post Share on other sites
Carrot2000 Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 It seems that BS wants to work on things to keep up public appearances. She also thinks the A is over but he wants to remain in contact as friends. Its amazing how men keep lying even after they have been caught She doesn't want to keep up appearance, she loves her husband and wants to keep her marriage and family intact. That's her right as his wife. She thinks the affair is over because he's told her it's over. "Want to remain in contact as friends" is code for "pick up the affair once the dust settles". This situation is a mess and as you've said, this man is still lying--to you and his wife. You deserve so much more than what he's offering, which is nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Thanks for all your advice and feedback. Unfortunately this decision was taken out of my hands as a work colleague told BS about our A and BS confronted my MM about it who admitted everything( apart from details about the pregnancy - which i can understand as it would destroy his wife). I think everyone was right when they said it is no ones position to tell BS about the A but the WS or other members of the family. People play god with other peoples lives when they dont even know the situation for themselves. Alot of pain has been caused to alot of people now. It seems that BS wants to work on things to keep up public appearances. She also thinks the A is over but he wants to remain in contact as friends. Its amazing how men keep lying even after they have been caught Hate to ask, but did you encourage this coworker to tell her? Why all of a sudden, odd timing and all since considering you were thinking of telling his wife, the coworker NOW decided to tell? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 What i was trying to say was a person who has never met the BS and barely knows the OW and MM does not have a right to tell the BS lies and fabricated gossip about the A. I am not trying to justify what I have done. I have said many times throughout this post that I feel terribly guilty and I have sufferred and am sufferring too so please do not judge when you dont even know me How did this person fabricate and tell lies? If you feel this awful about causing his wife pain, then walk away and allow them to reconnect and fix their marriage. If you have any respect left for yourself, back off and DO NOT be his OW anymore, waiting in the wings until things clear up at home so he can sneak off and be with you. This is it. Your choice now to change your life so you can let go, grieve and heal. Otherwise you're going to ride this affairyland rollercoaster for another D-Day and get hurt ALL over again when he chooses his wife over you. Again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Jessy, Don't worry about it so much!! What do YOU want out of your relationship with MM? Do you want him to leave and be with you? Someone told me to get my man by forcing a d-day. I wouldn't do that to my love. It would be too upsetting to him, and he'd be angry with me for doing it. He has a plan, and I must trust him to stick to the plan. Does your love have a plan? The dead has resurrected! The OP stole your initianials or what? Your "sweetheart" still sticking to the plan? Dayum! How many years has it been now? JJ- the OP- You said In my own situation the affair has not come to an end as yet however my MM has become more distant lately. He says he loves me and nothing has changed in his head but I am beginning to doubt his commitment. What commitment? Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Yes I would love nothing more than for us to be together but unfortunately things are not that simple. We have been through so much in the past few months that the whole dynamics of our A has changed. It is a fully fledged relationship and we have overcome serious obstacles. He has said he will not makes promises to me he knows he may not be able to keep and has said he wants to leave but has put a time limit on it. I do not want to tell BS for him to leave. If things do not work out with us I feel that his wife still deserves to know what has been going on behind her back. I have not been lying to her. I dont even know her but i do feel for her. Thanks for your kindness Daisy Love, I was beginning to think a witch hunt has begun. Appreciate your understanding Which obstacles you have overcome? He is still M and your R wont be full nothing till he doesn't put an end to that. Sorry, I wont sugar coat things for you. It is what it is... Wait... you are pregnant with MM's baby? Oh hone, I don't think that's overcoming that is digging deeper. What a mess. I guess since you are expecting his baby. Yeah, you should tell his W. Lord knows, she will be liable to support your kid when her lovely H tries to bail out. Tell her and see how many obstacles you will be overcoming then. If this dude denied everything when he was already questioned, odds are that he wont be departing his M anytime soon. Good luck! and I really hope that if you are pregnant, you get your priorities right. It's not healthy to be in such drama while expecting. Life is hard as it is... Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Does his son know? I don't remember your story exactly, but I thought his marriage was over and he only stayed due to his almost adult son. Why isn't he choosing this D-day as an opportunity to leave? How is keeping you as a friend on the down low beneficial to you? Would you be more than friends? Would you still be waiting for him to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 At that stage he did not know I was pregnant, neither of us did. I am now sadly no longer pregnant so It is no longer an issue for him or us to worry about. He didnt step up to the mark then for fear of ruining his sons exams and education and I think he wants to have full control over the situation and not be forced into revealing the A but rather leave on his own terms I'm sorry that you are no longer pregnant. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts