To tell the BS ??

[jessyj]

A heads up... if he is "distant" he may be looking for a way out of the A with you. Just a thought. Since you are no longer pregnant, he may not feel obligated to go through with his plan to be with you. Sad hard fact, JessyJ. If you are waiting for him to leave on his own terms you could be in for a long haul...years... or maybe never.

 

Thank you Turbo girl. Its something I have thought about on plenty of occassions. My pregnancy was probably a big wake up call for him and while we were planning on a life together, the whole situation and its aftermath caused alot of stress. I have been pushing him away as I have been trying to deal with the loss of our baby. This puts a terrible strain on the relationship. Maybe he is looking for a way out and maybe I just need to forget him and his W

[whichwayisup]

How do YOU know this? Maybe he has a plan and was blindsided by the accusation! Maybe be wants to protect Jessy if BW flipped her wig!!

 

You weren't there. You don't know any better than Jessy does. If she believes her love, then she should sit tight.

 

For how long? A year? 2? 4? There are afew OW who sit and wait, continue the A and have "hopes" that "one day" their MM will leave their wives when the kids are older..Or moving out, going to college. Actions speak louder than words. Her MM has shown NOTHING in action that he is going to leave. That's a fact.

 

To sit and wait for someone, who STILL continues life at home with family year after year isn't a MM who is planning on leaving.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you Turbo girl. Its something I have thought about on plenty of occassions. My pregnancy was probably a big wake up call for him and while we were planning on a life together, the whole situation and its aftermath caused alot of stress. I have been pushing him away as I have been trying to deal with the loss of our baby. This puts a terrible strain on the relationship. Maybe he is looking for a way out and maybe I just need to forget him and his W

 

I am sorry for your loss. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it, do counseling if you can to help you cope...And/ or starting a new thread in another section here on LS (health section, pregnancy section etc) so you can get support during your grieving.

[Rose1977]

Thank you Turbo girl. Its something I have thought about on plenty of occassions. My pregnancy was probably a big wake up call for him and while we were planning on a life together, the whole situation and its aftermath caused alot of stress. I have been pushing him away as I have been trying to deal with the loss of our baby. This puts a terrible strain on the relationship. Maybe he is looking for a way out and maybe I just need to forget him and his W

 

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's devastating and awful to live through, especially when you are doing it without a loving partner by your side. I don't mean to be negative here, but in a true loving relationship, it would kill a man not to be with his partner while she is suffering such a devastating loss. I think you deserve better, you deserve someone who is able to give you his time and attention so you don't have to go through something like this alone.

Miscarriage is awful. I read a couple books that really helped me in between my losses and the conception of my son. If you are interested, PM me and I will give you the titles.

 

Regarding the original topic, I do think she deserves to know, but I don't know if it is your place to do it... I found out from my BF's OW, but she was NOT a nice woman, and made it much more painful than it had to be. I am always torn on this one. The scariest thing for me was the STDs I was unknowingly exposed to. I think every woman has a right to know... but I cannot imagine finding out that my H impregnanted another woman. I think I would fall apart at that one. In your situation, I think I would just bail out and not tell her. And get yourself tested to set your mind at ease.

 

Once again I am sorry for the pain you are feeling.

[jwi71]

I am now sadly no longer pregnant so It is no longer an issue for him or us to worry about.

 

So sorry to hear that.

You seemed so happy despite your MM's pushing for an abortion.

Can you speak to why he would want an abortion?

 

He didnt step up to the mark then for fear of ruining his sons exams and education and I think he wants to have full control over the situation and not be forced into revealing the A but rather leave on his own terms

 

The problem with this explanation, to me anyway, is the son had evidence and confronted his father (who subsequently lied and denied it all). How is that NOT an issue for the son during his examinations? Can you imagine what that young man must have been thinking and feeling - especially since he had evidence? That must have been horrible - to not only find evidence that your father is cheating but to get gaslighted over it. I mean, in realitym, your MM gaslighted his OWN SON.

 

Wow.

 

I know you don;t see it this way but he wanted an abortion, lies to and gaslights his W AND SON and passes on golden opportunities to "leave".

 

I think you are in for even MORE heartbreak and tears.

[whichwayisup]

How do YOU know this? Maybe he has a plan and was blindsided by the accusation! Maybe be wants to protect Jessy if BW flipped her wig!!

.

Daisy, Go back and read J's past threads. Ask yourself "is this a MM inlove and planning on leaving/divorcing his wife, breaking up his family unit as one?" And read how he's treated J in the past. Yet you want her to sit and wait for a guy who wanted her to have an abortion, was horrible to her ... Now that she's had a miscarriage, he's off the hook and the A is back on ... That isn't love. It's lust, addiction and habit. Real love, he wouldn't have pushed her to abort or treat her like crap.

[fooled once]

The intimacy left their relationship before we even began our relationship so no he does not have sex with his wife. He cares for her as a friend but there is nothing more than friendship.

 

**And you know this how? Because he said so? Do you really think you would have slept with him if he told you his wife is a tiger in bed and pleases him beyond every fantasy he has ever had?

 

I obviously dont have complete trust in him. He is cheating after all and is probably becoming quite skilled at deceiving. What i do believe however is that when I ask him a question about his M, he will give me an honest answer. I am sure he has kept information from me in order to deceive me at some level .... thats the situation i have put myself in.

 

**Probably more so than you think -- he has even lied to his son so that he can stay at home with his wife. I know he gave you some excuse about exams and all that; but exams aren't every day or every week. He has had plenty of time to come clean, yet chooses not to. Wonder how his son will feel when it comes out that dad lied to his face about cheating on his mom. I wonder if the son will ever trust anything out of his dad's mouth again?

 

I trust my MM entirely. If we didnt have trust then we would have nothing between us.

**How can he be deceiving you if you believe he has never lied to you ever? Don't you think his wife feels the same thing - how can we have a marriage if there is no trust. She trusts him too. Yet you want to belittle her for having faith and trust in the man who she sleeps with every night; the man she plans a future with daily, the man she watches TV with, the man who sits and plans a vacation with her, the man who hugs her and kisses her and tells her he loves her.

 

I will never understand why OW feel they are the only

I fully respect all that, but I have been through an awful lot with him also and have lost alot as a result of our A so I think he has respect and love for me as well as his wife

 

Don't you think his wife feels the same way? She has YEARS of being with this man, of him courting her, wooing her, dating her, becoming engaged to her, planning a wedding with her, choosing to have children with her, raising the children. Don't you think SHE has been through way more than you have been through with him?

 

And you know all this HOW??? Geeze, are you the BW? If your not, why so bitter?

 

SOME MM have NO REASON to lie to us OW! SOME of us love and accept our men as they are!! SOME of us don't judge, we LOVE!

 

Yep, Daisy, you got me. I'm a BW:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Why do you say not to judge OW, yet here you are judging me because I am not all Rah Rah sis boom bah - OW are the best? You accept him as he is? Why are you waiting and waiting and hoping that he will leave his wife? Why aren't you just accepting your role as mistress?

[jessyj]

So sorry to hear that.

You seemed so happy despite your MM's pushing for an abortion.

Can you speak to why he would want an abortion?

 

I was extremely happy but circumstances were completely out of my control. I think about the what ifs every day and it is all still very fresh.

 

He discussed abortion but he was never forceful about his opinions. He wanted me to have one because he would loose his job over it and also his family. We had discussed setting up life together and having the baby. Sadly it wasnt meant to be

 

The problem with this explanation, to me anyway, is the son had evidence and confronted his father (who subsequently lied and denied it all). How is that NOT an issue for the son during his examinations? Can you imagine what that young man must have been thinking and feeling - especially since he had evidence? That must have been horrible - to not only find evidence that your father is cheating but to get gaslighted over it. I mean, in realitym, your MM gaslighted his OWN SON.

 

Wow.

 

I know you don;t see it this way but he wanted an abortion, lies to and gaslights his W AND SON and passes on golden opportunities to "leave".

 

I think you are in for even MORE heartbreak and tears.

 

He said he couldnt bear to tell his son and break his heart like that. He wasnt prepared for it and felt he couldnt do it at that moment. What you have said makes complete sense though and i think you have just given me a major reality check so thank you

[jessyj]

Daisy, Go back and read J's past threads. Ask yourself "is this a MM inlove and planning on leaving/divorcing his wife, breaking up his family unit as one?" And read how he's treated J in the past. Yet you want her to sit and wait for a guy who wanted her to have an abortion, was horrible to her ... Now that she's had a miscarriage, he's off the hook and the A is back on ... That isn't love. It's lust, addiction and habit. Real love, he wouldn't have pushed her to abort or treat her like crap.

 

Thanks for your kind words. I have to say in his defense he did try to pressure me to have an abortion at one point but once the initial shock subsided he was amazingly supportive of me and helped me through everything before and after the miscarraige.

 

Yes he hasnt treated me very well but I have put myself in a situation where I am the OW and so I will never be his priority unless he files for D. One thing I will never doubt is his love for me. He may not love me now after I lost his child but he did love and I know in my heart that is true

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome.

 

Yes he hasnt treated me very well but I have put myself in a situation where I am the OW and so I will never be his priority unless he files for D. One thing I will never doubt is his love for me. He may not love me now after I lost his child but he did love and I know in my heart that is true

It isn't your fault that you miscarried. If he is putting that on you, that isn't fair at all.

 

He may love you alot, but is it enough for him to choose between his wife, his son, family unit as one? He can love you forever but it still doesn't mean he's going to turn his kids and wife lives upside down, and go to you.

 

He will do what is best for himself. Sadly, that may mean keeping you as the OW and him staying married. Is that going to be enough for you? To just be on the sidelines, meanwhile life goes on at home with him and his family. Just food for thought.

 

JW, great reply.

[Carrot2000]

Jessy, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's time for you to heal and let go of this relationship. You can no longer make excuses for MM's behavior and hold on to the fantasy he's been feeding you.

 

Take care of yourself. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more damaged you will become.

[bentnotbroken]

So sorry to hear that.

You seemed so happy despite your MM's pushing for an abortion.

Can you speak to why he would want an abortion?

 

 

 

The problem with this explanation, to me anyway, is the son had evidence and confronted his father (who subsequently lied and denied it all). How is that NOT an issue for the son during his examinations? Can you imagine what that young man must have been thinking and feeling - especially since he had evidence? That must have been horrible - to not only find evidence that your father is cheating but to get gaslighted over it. I mean, in realitym, your MM gaslighted his OWN SON.

 

Wow.

 

I know you don;t see it this way but he wanted an abortion, lies to and gaslights his W AND SON and passes on golden opportunities to "leave".

 

I think you are in for even MORE heartbreak and tears.

 

 

Brilliant post. My disgust with someone who would do this to not only his wife but a child who he fathered. He is a real prize. I know BS somehow deserve to be cheated on and gas lighted in a lot of people's minds. But his son? What did he do to not have his father respect him enough to be honest when asked a straight forward question?

 

How will this son begin to view his father? How will he see him as an example of a husband, father, as a honorable man?

[Flabbergaster]

male xmm opinion...

lots of good advice to you, here. lots of compassion for your loss...which is awful.

I agree with all the women telling you to leave this guy.

 

To the original question...I dont' think the OW/OM should ever tell the BS. I knew a kid who liked to put dog poo in a bag with an m80 firecracker and throw it at people. I never understood the fun; you don't know where it's going to blow up, all you know is someone (maybe him, maybe the target, maybe someone else) is going to get covered with dog poo. I always thought it was stupid. Telling the bs...same thing.

 

If you're done, walk away. Telling her is 'staying involved' rather than 'letting go.' Letting go means you do not try to take responsibility for him or his actions.

If you're still with him, telling her will probably get you attacked and dumped. Heck, she'll defend him! He might want to leave...but on his terms not yours. Rather than tell her...aks him to leave her by a certain date.

 

If you feel guilt for how she is treated...then leave him and hope that he will start to focus on her. Ask him to get therapy to fix himself. Cross your fingers...and then let go of responsibility for his actions, cause he ain't your man. If you have already left..stop feelign that guilt, because by leaving you are giving her the best chance that you can give her.

 

note: i think an informed BS can tell the other BS; that is victim getting revenge on their wrongdoer.

[Silly_Girl]

Do you think it is ever acceptable to tell the BS about the affair ? If you are a BS do you think you would have wanted to be told about the affair either from your WS or the AP ?

 

In my own situation the affair has not come to an end as yet however my MM has become more distant lately. He says he loves me and nothing has changed in his head but I am beginning to doubt his commitment.

 

A few months ago his son found a conversation on his phone between us and accused him in front of his wife of having an affair with me. My MM subsequently denied the A and nothing more was said. This alone confuses me that his BS never questioned him or suspected something.

 

I am becoming overwhelmed with guilt. I question whether I should tell his BS about the A but I dont want to cause pain purely to heal my guilt.

 

I battled with telling her, when he maintained over and over he wanted to be with me, but she didn't want to talk and he didn't want to take charge of the situation. I thought it would allow her to make an informed choice etc etc. My motives were so honourable, to be honest. But I felt so strongly that HE owed it to her to discuss it properly so whilst I told him my instinct was to tell her myself, I did wait for him to tell her.

 

She was upset but was happy for him to see me for a period of time whilst he 'came to his senses'. She wanted to know nothing of me and convinced herself it was sex only because they had never consummated the marriage. She went in to complete denial. That surprised me because it was so different to how *I* would behave.

 

Expected the unexpected. It could turn very VERY nasty.

 

I agree the BS should have the same info as the AP/MM but your MM may well not appreciate your 'help' in resolving things.

[skylarblue]

The only reason I could think of that it’s ever 100% acceptable to do is if there is an STD involved.

 

If the A was long over and there’d been no further contact, I wouldn’t want to know, period. If it was current, but would end up short-term with no attachment or contact afterwards, and no change to our R, I don’t think I’d want to know (presuming a std isn’t a factor). If the A was long-term and emotional, the OW becomes pregnant, or our R was suffering because of the A then I would want to know. Preferably, I’d rather my H tell me, but under those terms it wouldn’t matter how I found out.

 

I don’t think you should tell his W. In my case, MM’s W discovered the A 4mos ago. He hasn’t ended or admitted it. Even without any information or confirmation about the A (other than H had some form of inappropriate contact), she is devastated although everything for them seems normal. Telling the BS would only add to her pain, and I doubt that would alleviate your guilt.

 

If MM is becoming distant, he may be feeling guilty as well and simply not being honest with you. It’s very possible the BS believed him and left it at that. My MM successfully denied his A for years and she believed him. So, if she is oblivious, imagine the pain you’d cause by exposing it. Either way, there’s a woman who’s being cheated on and lied to by her H. If you want to heal your guilt without causing pain, end the A quickly and quietly.

[JMacGirl26]

I am in a similar situation right now, where I actually did email the BS and owned up to what I did and told her how guilty I felt and how I am working on trying to find forgiveness. I emailed her only after the H told me that he had come clean to her about meeting me and about his other affairs in the past. My guilt led me to email her to tell her how sorry I was. I took ownership in my part of being with her husband physically. We didn't have a lengthy affair, I was only with him 2 times. I ended it after that because I couldn't live w/myself if I kept seeing him. I don't want to be with him ever, and if they divorced, I still wouldn't want him. He would only cheat on me as well.

 

I haven't heard anything from the BS at all. Not sure if she ever read my email or just didn't want to respond.

 

I have NO doubt in my mind though, that the MM would lie and throw me under the bus. I would bet my life savings that he would say I chased him and I wanted him, when the truth is quite the opposite. I don't want to be with him and I hope they can work things out for their kids' sake. He says they are going to counseling...but I have a feeling he never really told her the truth to begin with and only wants me to believe that b/c he didn't think I would email her if I thought he had told her first.

All this guy knows is how to lie....his lies are so frequent, he probably doesn't even know the truth himself anymore. IMO, married men rarely leave their wives. They want the best of both worlds.

 

My advice to you about telling the BS......first of all, figure out if in the state you live in, there is an "Alienation of Affections, or Tortious Interference with a Marriage Relationship" law. If so, and you tell her and they split up, she can sue you in civil court for being a part of the demise of their marriage. Also, if he spent any money on you whatsoever, she may be able to claim half of that if it is considered "community property" money that he used, e.g. in California the assets during a marriage are considered community property and the BS would be entitled to half of what he gave you, whether it be in gifts, rent, etc.

 

So sometimes it's not just a moral issue, but depending on the state you live in, it's a legal issue as well.

[26pointblue]

Yes, JMac, one thing usually rings true, which is that when the wife finds out, especially if it's through the OW, then the MM will do everything he can to cover his butt & dig himself out of his mess, including throwing OW under the bus. I think that is a real testament to how much they love us, as compared to themselves, or their wives for that matter. [bottom line: they only loved themselves. But we allowed them to use us.]

 

My xMM's wife contacted me [after we were done] & I owned up to my part of the affair, even though she was trying to blame me for all of it which is patently illogical. In my state we do have alienation of affection but I don't care because I am trying to do the right thing now & move forward. Those laws are almost never used & lawyers advise against them because they're hard to prove & you spend a lot more money trying to prosecute them than you are able to recover, unless the OW happens to be a millionaire. I also think there's are hard-to-prove elements such as having to prove that love existed in the marriage & that the OW knew that . . . well, how many times do MMs say there was no love between him & his wife -- I have emails & texts from my xMM saying just that, so, I think I'm off the hook , & that, because of the OW the love & the relationship ended . . . so yeah it's really only to be used where there is divorce & I knew that if my xMM's wife was calling me to beg me to stay away from her husband & blame me for all of her husband's cheating, then she wasn't anywhere close to divorcing him, & obviously he wasn't very close to divorcing her or we wouldn't be where we were at. So anyway the point of my rambling is that most people don't have much to worry about in terms of AA laws in the minority of states that they exist [although yes, they do exist so there's always the potential; & someone can sue someone for just about anything - doesn't mean it will hold up but doesn't mean it will be pretty], & also, the community property obligations are the spouse's to pay back to the marriage - it doesn't mean that the OW will be held liable for the xMM's spending sprees on her -- it may mean that that much more has to go to his wife in the divorce settlement, but from him, not the OW.

 

Anyway all of this aside on the off chance that xMM's wife would use me or want any monetary damages or whatever, I know there are consequences to having an affair & I am not going to stop that from allowing me to move on with my life, which for me meant owning responsibility to her. I told her I did it because I love him although I know I shouldn't because he's married, that I broke up with him many times because he was married & never made or told him to get divorced, but that he always came back to me saying he wanted to be with me & was getting a divorce, & yes it was stupid & wrong of me to believe him, but I wanted to believe in our love, & I am sorry for the pain I helped caused her & her family & I will continue to stay out of their lives. Basically I was as honest as possible with her even though it probably made me look pathetic, I don't care, I guess the whole thing was rather pathetic, & talking to her actually helped strengthen my resolve to stay NC with him because then not only would he be actively lying to her, which I never agreed with in the first place although I did participate in it by being with him knowing she didn't know everything [she did keep finding out about the affair but I guess he kept convincing her it was over, just like he kept convincing me it was over with her], & it is helping me forgive myself, although mostly I feel I need to forgive myself for getting into that mess & giving him my power, & yes that involved helping to hurt her, for which I am also forgiving myself. :-)

 

I don't know if I've helped or not but there's my story & I did learn that unless they are serious about leaving - which means they are being honest & up front with everyone & doing it the right way - they are busy throwing OW under the bus to the wife, or the wife under the bus to the OW - everything but taking responsibility for their actions, making a decision & acting on it . . . & that just shows you they can't really love either one at the time. :-( Good luck.

[JMacGirl26]

Yes, JMac, one thing usually rings true, which is that when the wife finds out, especially if it's through the OW, then the MM will do everything he can to cover his butt & dig himself out of his mess, including throwing OW under the bus. I think that is a real testament to how much they love us, as compared to themselves, or their wives for that matter. [bottom line: they only loved themselves. But we allowed them to use us.]

 

My xMM's wife contacted me [after we were done] & I owned up to my part of the affair, even though she was trying to blame me for all of it which is patently illogical. In my state we do have alienation of affection but I don't care because I am trying to do the right thing now & move forward. Those laws are almost never used & lawyers advise against them because they're hard to prove & you spend a lot more money trying to prosecute them than you are able to recover, unless the OW happens to be a millionaire. I also think there's are hard-to-prove elements such as having to prove that love existed in the marriage & that the OW knew that . . . well, how many times do MMs say there was no love between him & his wife -- I have emails & texts from my xMM saying just that, so, I think I'm off the hook , & that, because of the OW the love & the relationship ended . . . so yeah it's really only to be used where there is divorce & I knew that if my xMM's wife was calling me to beg me to stay away from her husband & blame me for all of her husband's cheating, then she wasn't anywhere close to divorcing him, & obviously he wasn't very close to divorcing her or we wouldn't be where we were at. So anyway the point of my rambling is that most people don't have much to worry about in terms of AA laws in the minority of states that they exist [although yes, they do exist so there's always the potential; & someone can sue someone for just about anything - doesn't mean it will hold up but doesn't mean it will be pretty], & also, the community property obligations are the spouse's to pay back to the marriage - it doesn't mean that the OW will be held liable for the xMM's spending sprees on her -- it may mean that that much more has to go to his wife in the divorce settlement, but from him, not the OW.

 

Anyway all of this aside on the off chance that xMM's wife would use me or want any monetary damages or whatever, I know there are consequences to having an affair & I am not going to stop that from allowing me to move on with my life, which for me meant owning responsibility to her. I told her I did it because I love him although I know I shouldn't because he's married, that I broke up with him many times because he was married & never made or told him to get divorced, but that he always came back to me saying he wanted to be with me & was getting a divorce, & yes it was stupid & wrong of me to believe him, but I wanted to believe in our love, & I am sorry for the pain I helped caused her & her family & I will continue to stay out of their lives. Basically I was as honest as possible with her even though it probably made me look pathetic, I don't care, I guess the whole thing was rather pathetic, & talking to her actually helped strengthen my resolve to stay NC with him because then not only would he be actively lying to her, which I never agreed with in the first place although I did participate in it by being with him knowing she didn't know everything [she did keep finding out about the affair but I guess he kept convincing her it was over, just like he kept convincing me it was over with her], & it is helping me forgive myself, although mostly I feel I need to forgive myself for getting into that mess & giving him my power, & yes that involved helping to hurt her, for which I am also forgiving myself. :-)

 

I don't know if I've helped or not but there's my story & I did learn that unless they are serious about leaving - which means they are being honest & up front with everyone & doing it the right way - they are busy throwing OW under the bus to the wife, or the wife under the bus to the OW - everything but taking responsibility for their actions, making a decision & acting on it . . . & that just shows you they can't really love either one at the time. :-( Good luck.

 

Great post! And yes, you are correct...the OW would not be responsible for having to pay back 1/2 of the community property money spent on the OW, but...the OW could have to spend money retaining an attorney, be deposed and face the humiliation and embarassment.

 

Like you, I have emails from the MM saying that he and his wife have marital problems. He did admit that they still are intimate, but he said only about 3 times per month. That actually made me sick thinking that he would sleep with other women, and then go home and sleep w/her! And for her not to know she could be potentially exposed to an STD is awful!

[confusedinkansas]

I am becoming overwhelmed with guilt. I question whether I should tell his BS about the A but I dont want to cause pain purely to heal my guilt.

YOUR overwhelming guilt does not give you the right to tell his wife.

 

IF HE chooses to do so then HE needs to do it. It's not your place or your business to do it.

 

IMO - Only the Psycho Other Woman does this. Don't go boiling his bunny!!!

 

On the subject of the son telling the wife. Perhaps she's like some woman that just turns a blind eye to her husband's shenanigans.

Edited April 26, 2011 by confusedinkansas

[26pointblue]

Great post! And yes, you are correct...the OW would not be responsible for having to pay back 1/2 of the community property money spent on the OW, but...the OW could have to spend money retaining an attorney, be deposed and face the humiliation and embarassment.

 

Like you, I have emails from the MM saying that he and his wife have marital problems. He did admit that they still are intimate, but he said only about 3 times per month. That actually made me sick thinking that he would sleep with other women, and then go home and sleep w/her! And for her not to know she could be potentially exposed to an STD is awful!

 

You're right about the expense & nuisance of hiring an attorney and/or defending the case! But still I think it would be part of the consequences & if that is what came out of me telling her what she wanted to hear, so be it. I do understand the situation is different because in my case she actually called me up [repeatedly, & texted me . . . until I answered]. So maybe a BS getting an unwelcome call or email from the OW would be more likely to sue; I don't know. I honestly feel like lawsuits would be the last thing on her mind & I do feel bad for her pain. :-(

 

My xMM changed his story a lot, sometimes they rarely had sex & it was really bad & she couldn't handle his huge manhood [ha ha - it's funny but I'm serious, he actually said crap like that], other times he said once a week [i think this was the more realistic version], other time they were like a happy honeymoon couple after 20 years [this was after I'd break it off with him & I guess he was trying to make me jealous.] Towards the end though he would swear they never had sex [if this is true it's because she was making him live in the other side of the house & punishing him for being with me - which he also told me & whish is a better explanation for them not having sex than him wanting to only be with me, but after beginning to sort through all the lies I have no idea what to believe & have decided that everything that came out of his mouth to me or her was a lie.]

 

Yeah looking back I think it's gross that he went from her to me & vice versa & I can't believe I accepted that. For me it's like it was only after I ended the affair knowing it was FOR GOOD [in the past I'd ended it but it lingered & I missed him & had a feeling he'd be back & then he would be, & I wouldn't be strong enough to keep NC] that I finally WOKE UP and realized how very messed up it was. It's like I keep asking myself, who was this person? about myself. Maybe he is asking himself that too. After saying all of this & feeling anger I also do know that we loved each other in some messed up way & that's why we did this messed up stuff. Now I can't say I no longer love him but I know I'm done with the messed up stuff for good.

 

It's nice to talk to someone who understands. :-) I can relate to you & I wish you the best.

[jessyj]

Thanks for all your advice and feedback. Unfortunately this decision was taken out of my hands as a work colleague told BS about our A and BS confronted my MM about it who admitted everything( apart from details about the pregnancy - which i can understand as it would destroy his wife).

 

I think everyone was right when they said it is no ones position to tell BS about the A but the WS or other members of the family. People play god with other peoples lives when they dont even know the situation for themselves. Alot of pain has been caused to alot of people now.

 

It seems that BS wants to work on things to keep up public appearances. She also thinks the A is over but he wants to remain in contact as friends. Its amazing how men keep lying even after they have been caught

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for all your advice and feedback. Unfortunately this decision was taken out of my hands as a work colleague told BS about our A and BS confronted my MM about it who admitted everything( apart from details about the pregnancy - which i can understand as it would destroy his wife).

 

I think everyone was right when they said it is no ones position to tell BS about the A but the WS or other members of the family. People play god with other peoples lives when they dont even know the situation for themselves. Alot of pain has been caused to alot of people now.

 

It seems that BS wants to work on things to keep up public appearances. She also thinks the A is over but he wants to remain in contact as friends. Its amazing how men keep lying even after they have been caught

 

 

:eek:You have to be kidding. What the sam hell do you call cheating and lying to a person, exposing them to diseases, crazy butt affair partners, mental and emotional anguish if that isn't playing God? You made a selfish decision about somebody else's life and then cry foul when they are given the power to decide for themselves. How juvenile is that shiggity? Punk moves. :sick:Thank God somebody felt the need to be human and out you.

[jessyj]

:eek:You have to be kidding. What the sam hell do you call cheating and lying to a person, exposing them to diseases, crazy butt affair partners, mental and emotional anguish if that isn't playing God? You made a selfish decision about somebody else's life and then cry foul when they are given the power to decide for themselves. How juvenile is that shiggity? Punk moves. :sick:Thank God somebody felt the need to be human and out you.

What i was trying to say was a person who has never met the BS and barely knows the OW and MM does not have a right to tell the BS lies and fabricated gossip about the A. I am not trying to justify what I have done. I have said many times throughout this post that I feel terribly guilty and I have sufferred and am sufferring too so please do not judge when you dont even know me

[bentnotbroken]

What i was trying to say was a person who has never met the BS and barely knows the OW and MM does not have a right to tell the BS lies and fabricated gossip about the A. I am not trying to justify what I have done. I have said many times throughout this post that I feel terribly guilty and I have sufferred and am sufferring too so please do not judge when you dont even know me

 

 

Again, thank God I can't judge you. I don't have that kind of mercy or grace. I don't give a damn about who tells what. Someone who is in affair is by definition deceiving so save that crap about lies and fabricated gossip for somebody who doesn't smell the irony from a mile away. But a spouse being allowed to live a lie because punkish actions by people with no courage, those are the one's playing God the ones with all the power over a BS without the same knowledge.

[N.A.]

And you know all this HOW??? Geeze, are you the BW? If your not, why so bitter?

 

SOME MM have NO REASON to lie to us OW! SOME of us love and accept our men as they are!! SOME of us don't judge, we LOVE!

 

I am going to tell you upfront that I am a BS and I have been the OW, so here is my question to you.

 

So you are saying that you love and accept a MM as he is? A liar, betrayer, heart breaker, cheater, etc? You are honestly saying that you don't judge, but love a man who can commit or has committed his life to another woman and completely destroyed those vows because why? His wife isn't interested in sex anymore? Because he has fallen out of love with his wife? Because he is staying for the children? Because, well just for whatever "truthful" reason he has for betraying the confidence of another person?

 

Fact of the matter is, where is he now and what is YOUR relationship with this man reduced to? Where is he right now? The man that you LOVE so much? Do you know for a fact what happens with is wife behind closed doors?

 

Imagine this a day in the life of a MM having an affair: He wakes his wife up before he leaves for work in the morning and kisses her telling her that he loves her. She get's up, get's ready for work not even wondering why in the world he left for work at 4am in morning because they need the money to get some repairs done to the house that they bought that they love so much.

 

Throughout the day he is emailing her, flirting with her, telling her about his day, telling her how much he loves her. They are talking about their bills here and there, wondering what to make for dinner, talking about what their plans are for the weekend. He get's off work before her so he calls her to talk to her on his way home. He talks to her for a minute and tells her about his day, she listens because he hates his job.

 

She get's off work, he is doing laundry and talking to their daughter. He greets her as she enters the kitchen. Hugs and kisses her telling her how much he loves her. He grabs her butt and squeezes telling her how much he wants her later that evening when the kids have gone to bed. As they make dinner together they playfully touch and kiss each other. They laugh, they joke as dinner is finished. At dinner everyone is sitting around the table, discussing whatever topic comes to mind.

 

After dinner they clear the table together, in harmony like a well oiled machine. They clean off the plates and put them in the dishwasher not missing a beat. They work in tune. He finishes the laundry, folds it then puts it where it needs to go. She goes upstairs to take a hot bath to unwind from her day.

 

She is thinking about what sexually explicit things she wants to do to her loving and adoring husband when they go to bed. She get's out of the bath, puts something on that makes her feel sexy. Sprays on his favorite bath spray.

 

She comes down stairs and they watch TV together laughing, and talking through out their shows. Later that evening the kids are put to bed and it's mommy/daddy time. They make passionate fulfilling love and they both go to sleep.

 

The next morning he get's up, get's ready for work. Before he leave he kisses his wife and tells her how much he loves her.

 

 

SAD SAD FACT: THIS WAS MY LIFE!

 

Now tell me, do MM lie????