He's abusive, I'm scared.

[coffeeaddict]

Are labels warranted? I can tell you they certainly help me distance myself emotionally from him. Are they right? Maybe, maybe not. I won't lie -- Coffee calling him a psycho and dog abuser and mentioning why on earth I'd want to associate with someone like that REALLY put it into perspective.

 

Glad I could help. I apologize if it comes across as overly blunt, it's just my posting style. I just really hate people who abuse animals, since they're defenseless and entirely dependent on Human compassion, it's the lowest of the low in my book. I think it reveals the true character of a person (or lack thereof).

 

Reading the book about abusers and questioning all his past behavior and statements is wise. I think physical distance is the least perilous way out, but you sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders and you're figuring things out quickly, as long as you keep lots of caring people close by and watch out for tricks, I'm sure you'll be fine. I would just keep your backup plan close at hand, because I've read a lot of stories and personally witnessed abusers becoming angry/violent when the victim tries to physically/emotionally separate. Best wishes.

[betterdeal]

Glad to hear you're putting all the right things into place.

[Kaito]

An update on him... apparently he is drinking himself into a stupor and bragging about it. Figures.

 

His friends were very kind and contacted me to offer sympathies, saying they know how difficult he can be. I didn't mention to them any details but they should know about his past abuse... Last time we broke up, my ex told me he told them all about it. Of course I cannot be sure.

 

I spoke to both of my supervisors and one of them offered me his guest bedroom if things got bad. Him and I carpool together so it would actually work out really well. I also contacted our work's counseling/help hotline and found out I have 6 free counselling sessions per year. I'll be trying to use my 6 through the next month and a half to two months. I already made an appointment for Friday.

 

Thankfully they also offer legal advice, so I'm going to try and contact them again for help on that Monday.

 

Everything I see/do reminds me of him or something we did together. Thankfully, I am 99% of the time remembering bad things, and it makes me feel happy to know it will finally be over Occasionally I think of something good... something that for a split second makes me question if he's really all that bad... but the notion leaves me almost as quick as it comes on as I remember/realize that even this "good thing" had undertones of controlling behavior.

 

I also reached out to a friend from work (she's applying with our dept.), and found out she too has been in an abusive relationship. She said she got help from a cop friend in her county when she left her relationship. It is phenomenal to me how all these women around me have had similar experiences. The academy told us how bad this problem was but I didn't even realize... I grew up in such a healthy household, I didn't have to deal with this stuff. I was very fortunate.

 

Anyway, that's the update.

[betterdeal]

Sounds like you have all your ducks in a row.

 

Now that the difficulties are shared outside the relationship, you (and he) will be getting a better perspective on just how out of order and unhealthy it has been. His ability to live in his skewed interpretation of reality unquestioned (and to bamboozle you into suffering it too) is evaporating. He probably knows from experience that other people don't agree with his version of reality and dislike his actions.

 

I guess you know how to deal with unstable people - be calm and aware - from your police training. Difficult as it might be, you will do well to see him as a wounded pit bull terrier from now on. Potentially dangerous, but most likely to remain calm when dealt with with calm authority.

 

Have you considered the logistics of getting stuff out of the house and changing the locks? He may well be too incapacitated to do this on time. Arranging for some people to be on standby help him move will help you with that. People like your dad and your supervisors, for instance. Even if it's just to put his stuff in his car and wave him good bye, a show of force by male authority figures on his last day may be a good idea. Naturally, this is a back up plan i.e. probably not a good idea to tell him about until necessary.

 

And book the locksmith.

[Kaito]

I will call the locksmith Monday. I'm gonna need my folks' help paying for it.

 

He is now telling me he doesn't want to see me anymore. I assume this means the 30 days at home are no longer an issue, thank goodness. I also told him that he cannot come over without a third party present.

 

We are sticking to business but its getting hard. I broke down in tears last night. I felt so alone. It's amazing how he stripped me away to mold me how he wanted, and now that he is gone I feel so empty.

[coffeeaddict]

The heavy drinking could signify that he's coming face to face with his lack of control over the situation. He's watching his project slip away, the person he's spent several years training and desensitizing to accept his authority, his control, and ultimately the physical abuse. Instead of suppressing his emotions, the alcohol is likely to externalize them, so that's concerning, but it's really good that he's leaving, if that's the case.

 

Just remember the old proverb, this too shall pass.

[Kaito]

This too shall pass... i uses to say that all the time, but i had forgotten. Thank you, it makes me feel better.

[Kaito]

Lol.. he used to never go on Facebook. Now he posts all about how drunk he is, how much fun he is having. He went to a.friends liquor and lingerie party with lots of pretty girls and posed provocatively with one. Also lots of drunk pics. Figures he would try to hurt my feelings. I ignored/blocked him on Facebook. He is so unstable... I admit it did hurt, I am trying to be angry rather than sad... angry at how juvenile he is, how he treated me, how much of a liar he is and what a waste of time he was. If I were to talk to him (i won't) I'd tell him that he is a disgrace and a failure of a father.. his little boy is ten times the man he will ever be, and I am grateful for everyday that he cannot see him or hurt him.

 

Sigh. This blowing up all of a sudden, plus the people I come across at work, makes me concerned that there are not enough good men left in the world for me to find one and be happy. I guess ill be just another member of my family doomed to be alone..

 

I know I sound ridiculous, but I have such little confidence left. All the good guys I know are taken or would never be interested. And what's worse is I'm afraid I may be too scared to know a good thing when I see it... too scared to trust again.

[betterdeal]

I found that taking in lodgers was very helpful for me. Helped financially and I enjoy sharing my living space. I took my time choosing the right people and am glad to have picked a stable young couple who aren't judgmental and share some of my interests, yet have their own lives.

[betterdeal]

Sigh. This blowing up all of a sudden, plus the people I come across at work, makes me concerned that there are not enough good men left in the world for me to find one and be happy. I guess ill be just another member of my family doomed to be alone..

 

Then be happy without one of us men. I know I am now that I am not trying to define my happiness by a relationship with one person.

[Downtown]

^^^^^ Nicely said. I agree with BetterDeal. You have to make yourself happy. Nobody can do it for you.

[Kaito]

I know... and I am very good at making myself happy. I never turned to my ex for approval to feel happy, I could carry myself. But there's that emptiness now and its killing me.

 

He's telling me I didn't try, that I haven't for a year and thus didn't love him for a year. About a year ago was when he hit me the worst time. I've been scared of him, afraid to speak my mind fully .. the abuse didn't stop then. He was still horribly verbally abusive after that, and it diminished but I could never trust him again, no matter how hard I tried. Everytime it seemed promising he'd be nice for good he'd go on and call me names and get angry for no reason. It was always while we were working on a project at the house and I moved too slow for him.

 

He's awful. How could he say I didn't love him? I bent over backwards to try and make him happy, and all he did was complain. Whenever I asked what I could do to make him happy, he said I was fine, that he was happy with me... yet he'd turn around and be an ******* to me. He was always wanting something... a new truck, a jet ski, an ATV... I ALWAYS said he could buy it (I managed the money)... I used MY MONEY to buy him some of these things. I spent to our limit which I HATE doing (I love to save) just to appease him, yet never did he stop asking "I need this, and this..." He'd ask incessently and never stop talking about it until I gave in, and then it was the next thing.

 

He mentioned how I had everything I want now... the house, the animals... well guess what ALL MY MONEY PAID FOR THE HOUSE. Not one ounce of his went into the down payment or any payment so far. He has not sacrificed ANYTHING for this house. Heck, he even got the ATV he wanted as soon as we bought it!! He begged for that! I had to use MY leftover money that had been saved carefully for over a month for the downpayment, that we just happed to have extra of. Money that came from MY savings. This was less than 6 months ago. But no, I never tried to make him happy in the past year. I never gave him foot rubs when he asked. Oh wait... I always did? Yeah, just about. Sure, I was less giving of sex... but lets face it, who wants to have sex with a guy who is consistently berating them verbally? Once a a week at least he blew up. I was only safe when I worked or he worked. The weekends... forget it. And days I had off... it was hit or miss.

 

I know I shouldn't be talking to him, but... well, at first it was terrible. I thought about killing myself to stop the pain and the feeling like I had done something terrible. I started talking out loud about "why did I do this?" "Why didn't I give him a chance?" Then I would cut myself off and yell AT myself, "Are you kidding?! You gave him EVERY chance!!!!" "He did this to himself!! He thinks its okay, even if its subconsciously, to degrade you! He never trusted or respected you! HE NEVER LOVED YOU because he does not know what love is!!!!"

 

I yelled for a while. I screamed I was crying so hard. But... well... my phone died for a while so I couldn't talk to him anymore. And for 20 minutes I thought about what he was saying.. and I realized he's trying to pin it on me, trying to make me feel bad. Trying to say I gave up. I took away everything from him. I gave up a year ago. He'd been trying so hard to please ME for a year but I was never happy. I wouldn't open up to him even though he tried all the time.

 

I don't know where I was for all this. Sure, I believe he was trying to improve, which is the big thing that breaks me down. But... he still called me names. So he clearly did not respect me. He was still ALWAYS miserable, always needed something else, a new toy, whatever. He was never happy with me, no matter how much he said it. He was just like my book said an abuser is.. he's never satiated. I drained myself dry trying to please him. It just cannot be done.

 

I'm sticking to my decision still, of course. Every episode of pain is followed by clarity. I still cannot wait until my counseling session... I need it so bad, I'm going crazy. I cannot stand to be alone. I don't mean single, I mean alone, right now... alone with my own thoughts. I don't think I'll ever really hurt myself but like I said, I thought about it.. and that is SO NOT ME. I'm a happy person, always. I'm constantly pleased, so I don't know what he meant by trying to make me happy. Everytime he asked me how he could, I said, "Just be nice to me. That's all you need to do." And he'd be nice... then horrible.. and it would just ruin everything. For at least a month when we first moved in, he'd spend all day as a perfect gentleman... than at night we'd have a HUGE fight and he'd be TERRIBLE to me. And I'd be so torn... I was so happy and ready to have a beautiful night with him, but he'd go and do that and ruin anything we had going.

 

He's such a fool. I cannot wait until he is gone and this is over. I cannot wait to enjoy myself again, and enjoy my home. This is a beautiful, wonderful home, and I hope I don't have to live with the memory of him in it for too much longer.

 

 

 

Oh... and I do want to get a room-mate or two... I love company, I hate living alone... I mean I love alone time but I need human contact.

 

God I'm drowning. I was so in love with him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him... alife that was turning out to be so wonderful...... except for the way he sometimes treated me. If only he never treated me so poorly. God he was such an awful person to me for so long... its harder now because he actually got NICER for a while. I haven't even gone into the really horrible verbal abuse that used to happen more frequently.

 

Why did he have to do this to me?! he even told me he never had this problem with other girls, so clearly its not an abuse issue with him ( I dont think I believe this because a while back he told me he asked other girls he dated if he was ever abusive, and he told me some of them said yes). But if it is true, if he only treated me this way, then WHY ME!?!?!? Why the girl you say you love so much you want to spend the rest of your life with her?! You said you fell in love with how opinionated and confident I was... THEN WHY DID YOU VERBALLY BERATE THAT GIRL UNTIL SHE WAS TO AFRAID TO SPEAK HER MIND?! ITs funny how he was supposedly happier and our relationship was "better" during the time period when he was the WORST... worse verbally and the time when he was more often physical with me. I wasn't as strong then and didn't even realize there was a problem. I still remember looking up abusive relationships online for the first time, wondering, casually and not really believing it, if I was in an abusive relationship. Not me! I couldn't be! ... but there it was. And consistently, there it has been... everything that makes up an abusive relationship was happening in mine... still is.

 

He keeps saying how sorry he is. I know he is. I don't believe he meant to be that way... that makes it so hard. He keeps blaming his past... but I know.. I KNOW THERE IS NO EXCUSE.

 

God save me.

[Irishlove]

You were in love with who you THOUGHT he could be

[coffeeaddict]

Why did he have to do this to me?! he even told me he never had this problem with other girls, so clearly its not an abuse issue with him ( I dont think I believe this because a while back he told me he asked other girls he dated if he was ever abusive, and he told me some of them said yes). But if it is true, if he only treated me this way, then WHY ME!?!?!?

 

He doesn't just abuse you, don't forget he abuses dogs, helpless animals. I would listen to the girls who said he was abusive, he has no credibility to be believed when he talks about how he treats girls, considering his pattern.

 

If he was sorry he wouldn't post pictures with other girls trying to make you feel terrible. If he was sorry he wouldn't ask you to lie about him hitting you to cover up for him.

 

He's just desperate to get you back, because he's devoted a lot of time and effort to breaking you down and putting you in your place. He's trying to break your ego and then suck you back in. He'll be nice for a while, and then same pattern will start again. A real man will not steal your confidence and make you feel worthless, in addition to abusing you verbally, emotionally, and physically.

 

The only thing worse than wasting time is wasting more time, finding yourself in the same position another 3 years down the line or 10 years down the line. You're not worthless, you feel that way because your confidence has been broken down and stolen by this man.

 

You're young at 25, you're smart, you're kind, you love your job, you've got every advantage in meeting someone who satisfies what you want in a man, but also treats you the way you deserve to be treated, and makes you feel good about yourself rather than tears you down. It's just hard to realize these things because your ability to believe in yourself was drained, and it takes time to get it back. Once you've regained that, you wont look back and regret the journey. And in the mean time you can look at it as an opportunity to rediscover yourself, rediscover your passions. I know it's easier said than done, but the longest journey starts with a single step. When you're in a better position, you wont look back and regret it.

 

I think betterdeal's advice about boarders is really good. A friend of mine who is a really lonely person actually rents a room with a family, and it works for her.

[coffeeaddict]

How could he say I didn't love him?

It's manipulation, he's waging psychological warfare against you.

 

He says you didn't love him, because he wants to make you declare your love for him.

 

He keeps blaming his past...

This is to get you to feel sympathy for him.

 

"I swear there's a great guy in me dying to get rid of this *******."

This is to attach you to him, it's your job to find "the great guy," the great guy is his fictional creation.

 

Read your own words:

 

"I was completely at his mercy, without a way to communicate to anyone else (we did not have or phones and we were stuck in deep snow a few miles from anyone else). My only response to the initial attack was to drop and cower in such a way that THANK GOODNESS worked and stopped his attack immediately. Still, he didn't do what most concerned love ones would do. He did not drop down to help me up. He did not comfort me. He stood over me for a while. "

 

He then ordered you to tell your friends:

 

"If anyone asks, you fell and hit your head on the guard rail."

 

"he beats the dog without remorse when the dog misbehaves."

 

"If the dog steps out of line he gets a severe beating on the head, while I have to beg him to stop and listen to the dog crying."

 

This is not a man with empathy. He does not consider your feelings anymore than he considers the dogs feelings. He says what he says to elicit a reaction from you, the reaction he chooses. He says what he says to make you sad, or to make you angry, or to make you happy, to make you feel good about yourself, to make you feel bad about yourself. He's studied you, and he knows you.

Edited May 1, 2011 by coffeeaddict

[Art_Critic]

Hugs Kaito...

 

One day you will look back.. after all the fog has cleared and realize how you just saved your life and made the best decision you have ever made to get out and stay out of that toxic relationship.

 

Every person I have known that has gotten out of an abusive relationship, once they stay out and let the fog clear they stay out forever..

Stay away from him and contact from him.. let that fog clear so you can see what the toxicity was doing to you...

[betterdeal]

He thinks you're a bad person? Say "Fine, I'm a bad person, now f*ck off." He says you didn't try? Say, "I know, that's because I'm a terrible person. Now f*ck off." He says you didn't love him? Say, "Yep, I didn't. Now f*ck off."

 

His reality is his. In his reality you can be anything he wants you to be. Don't let his reality become yours. Truth is, right now, you don't like him and he has no place in your reality.

[Kaito]

Before I read the responses... I called my mother, and she always knows how to put things in perspective. I feel centered again and a million times better.

 

The last text chain from him was me telling him I didn't need him to be perfect, I just needed him to treat me kindly, like I asked him so many times. He said he needed to be showed. I asked: Showed what? He said: I needed to be showed love.

 

I'm not even answering that. What a blind dirtbag.

 

Irishlove, I was very much in love with a thought, wasn't I! Its funny, I used to think maybe he loved the thought of me.. the person he thought I was when he met me. After all, we met on a dating site so he had preconceived notions of me. I used to think: He loves who he thought I would be, this idea of me that I'm not. That's why he gets angry sometimes, because he isn't getting what he wanted from me.

I didn't entertain the thought much, but occassionally I did. Turn out I was the one loving an idea!

 

Cofeeaddict, he says he didn't mean to hurt me with those pictures. I don't believe that at all of course.

Thank you for your kind words... I know that my confidence is stolen. It is completely stolen... it kills me inside. But thank goodness for my friends and family, and you guys, for building me back up. Each day has new highs and lows. But... I'm still functioning. I still go to work each day and come home and take care of my pets, so I know I'll be okay as long as I soldier on.

 

In an unrelated note, I found out today that my dog killed one of my younger male chickens. I normally would be very upset about this but I'm too drained to even care. I wish he'd eat it other than playing with it, so he'd at least get the nutrition for it... I hate to waste food. He was supposed to be dinner for me later on!! I'd be SO MAD if it was a girl though. Whew.

 

"This is not a man with empathy. He does not consider your feelings anymore than he considers the dogs feelings. He says what he says to elicit a reaction from you, the reaction he chooses. He says what he says to make you sad, or to make you angry, or to make you happy, to make you feel good about yourself, to make you feel bad about yourself. He's studied you, and he knows you."

 

He is such a smart guy. I think he catches me off guard because he says he doesn't think he's smart, but I know that's BS cause he's always saying how dumb everyone else is and saying how he's better for one reason or another. So, Coffee, this makes perfect sense to me. He says he respects me, and its not his fault I didn't believe him. I say it is his fault, I don't believe him because he shows me with his words and actions that he does not respect me at all... he uses me.

 

Its kind of funny. I've been used before by a guy... that was a pain perhaps worse than what I'm feeling now because I was younger, totally lost, not even close to being emotionally mature, and I was far, far away from home when it happened. Well, when I told my ex the story he got so furiously angry about it. He hated anyone who had wronged me. Makes no sense now cause he's hurt me worse than anyone. That guy who "used" me before actually did me a favor. He stopped a bad thing dead in its tracks before it got out of hand, like my current relationship did.

 

Thank you Art. Every day I see a little more clearly, but at the same time I also get clouded again in moments when I let it overtake me. I can see these things as they're happening, and then turn around and be taken in by his manipulations. Its absurd, and such a strong yoyo effect I practically get whiplash. I know I'm a smart person, I have a lot of respect for myself and I am generally a VERY happy go lucky gal... yet he has such a control over me that I lose myself. I was totally suckered in for that loving guy in just days of knowing him. Its crazy.

 

As I talk to him now, I feel nothing. I feel totally detached and happy to be rid of him. I don't even care about another guy... and for the first time since this started the thought of dating again does NOT make me sick to my stomach. And yes, I am talking to him. I will have to maintain contact of some kind until his stuff is gone and he's out of my life. He wants to remain friends after (again, after he changed his mind), but.. who knows. the ONLY reason I'd want that is so that I don't have to say goodbye to our close family friends, who I may contact now and again just because.

 

 

Betterdeal... lol thank you, I love that. I did think to do that, actually. At the end of the conversation I almost did.. I was so sick of it. But my mother called me back finally and I got sidetracked from him. Its sick, really, but I still care about him enough to humor him and be nice. Also, I don't want his friends to think bad of me, because I love them too... its a whole family, not just some dude friends he hangs out with. Its literally an extended family that we are so close with and I don't want to burn bridges with them too, through his lies. So I'm trying to maintain my integrity while also letting him go a bit easier for him. I know I certainly don't owe him that, and if he keeps it up I may resort to "f*ck off" and go directly to my beloved friend and her husband and say " he's a jerk, you know how he can be.. and he's trying to make me feel bad. Don't think less of me, I love you guys so much"...

 

But for now its actually somewhat benefitial for me to talk to him, as crazy as that sounds. It kills me at first.. it really really does.. but then I freak out to you guys, and these tactics he uses comes into perspective, and now the next time he uses them they *hopefully* will be less potent. Already I can see things he says for what they really are. Not everything... but some of it, which is better than I can say for before when I was totally had.

 

He also knows just how much I HATE being called a quitter. Probably nothing bothers me more. So when he even hints that I didnt try, he knows how deep he's cutting me.

 

Lol... another text. He said earlier he'd be fine after a few dates. Now he says he won't be fine for months. Well, I certainly hope not. I hope you spend those months in abuser's counseling, so the next girl can be happy and get the nice you, not the a**.

 

I know you guys advice me to break contact, I know that would be easier. But I'm going to try and do it this way. I WILL NOT TAKE HIM BACK. At no time during all of this did I even consider it. I knew this would be hard. I accept that. I'll even make it harder on myself so the pain is stronger and thus I will remember JUST HOW BAD it was to end it... and won't ever go back! And, also, it will serve as a reminder in later relationships to GET OUT ASAP if things go downhill, and don't do that stupid "make it work" thing I do even when there's nothing I can fix. I'm dead tired of breakups.

 

I have a question for you guys... Once upon a time, I was the type of girl who wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. Well, now I've had two partners, both of whom I anticipated marrying at one time or another. The first one, I thought we would be together forever because I just thought thats how it should be. So I gave in. It didn't help lol. The second one I gave in cause I was so in love with him its not even funny. Well, for Mr. 3... do you think its crazy to want to wait until marriage again? I figure, if he really loves ME, and isn't just trying to get into my pants like how I think my ex was probably trying to do that first week (things went downhill after we made love the first time), then as hard as that is he won't mind. And, well, honestly, if he sticks with me for a few months even after I've told him to wait until marriage, I might give in anyway cause clearly his intentions are good lol.

 

Thing is, I DO NOT want to be the girl, down the line, who's had like 5+ partners. I know most people in this world have like 30+ easily... but that's not me at all. I want ONE. I don't need a bunch. I thrive on the love of one person, the stability of it, the familiarity. The whole getting to know you stage is agonizing for me. There is that bit of excitement, but that feeling of settling down and feeling secure in their commitment is such a great confidence builder...

 

So, I want ONE more. That's it. Is it crazy to want to wait until marriage this time around? Do you think I could potentially lose a great guy going about it this way? Lol. I'm not catholic or anything, not anymore, so its not religious based... I just do not want to take any chances anymore... its not worth it to me. See, thing is, I got pregnant by my ex. Now I am thankful everyday that I chose to abort it. At the time it was for money reasons. I had just gotten my police job and my baby would have been due the month I graduated... no way that would work!! Also, I had been drinking a LOT the entire month I was pregnant... I knew that baby had no chance. So, I took the logical decision and aborted. I do not regret it at all. Occassionally I would think "my baby would have been X months today." But I never felt remorse. I did think maybe I would have preferred having a child with him and enjoying a family, for a while actually, but I knew even that would have sucked cause we just didn't have any money.

 

Now... as I said... everyday I am thankful I did not have that child. I see daily the terrible things that goes on between families at the expense of children, and I would not wish that on me or anyone else, especially not a child. Its awful. I know its a fact of life, but... not for me.

 

That being said... I DO NOT EVER want to have an abortion again. EVER. It was a trying time and I do not see a reason now to ever do it again. Also, I would LOVE to be a mother. But what if this next guy gets me pregnant and turns out to be abusive? Or what if I get a really bad STD? I just don't think its worth it at all.

[johan]

I've been following this. It's great to see you taking the initiative to do the right thing instead of just letting it happen to you.

[Kaito]

Thank you johan. I'm trying to document it as thoroughly and accurately as I can, for my benefit and for others. I want to be able to look back and see how I'm improving, or why I left if I lose sight, or see how much progress I've made down the road, etc.

 

I also want others who are going through the same thing to be able to see how difficult it is. How much it totally tears you down... so they know that its not easy but it is POSSIBLE. I almost want to change the title to "How I left my abusive partner."

[betterdeal]

Regards these texts, call him when he texts you. If you can, record the conversation. He's less likely to keep sending texts if every time you call him back and talk directly. Most probably, he's sending texts because he doesn't really believe what he's saying in the text and so can't say it direct. Whatever bunch of lies he's relying on to cope with reality, he knows deep down that they are lies and he needs to avoid this increasingly fragile house of cards being exposed to your gentle breathe.

 

I'd also recommend reading up on assertiveness training. The simple fogging / broken record / negative enquiry techniques can help you deal with his aggression in a calm, self-supporting way.

 

Onto the question of sex before marriage. Personally, I think have sex as soon as possible with someone you are attracted to and you see as a potential long term partner. First, it's enjoyable. Second, if they're going to bolt after sex, best to get it over with sooner than later. Third, being sexually compatible can be an important part of a healthy relationship so find out if you are before marrying.

 

As for STIs and pregnancy, condoms are still very effective, and health clinics very efficient at doing check ups.

[coffeeaddict]

I think putting sex off until marriage can create unnecessary pressure, because it's a commitment to share ones life with someone else, but without knowing how they are together sexually. But that's just my personal opinion, I don't think any man who loved you would leave just because you wanted to wait until marriage. I remember reading that somewhere around 50% of all marriages in America end in divorce, it's tough out there today and there are definitely never any guarantees, not even for Prince William and Kate Middleton.

[Kaito]

Thanks guys. I will look up assertiveness training.

 

As for the sex question.. better deal, I see your point, but I don't know if I would be okay with myself having had even two more sexual partners. I don't know why, but even having that number grow from 1 to 2 made me feel a little worse about myself... I don't even want to know how I'd feel if I had more than 3.

 

I know its important to know how you are sexually with someone. But I always kind of thought, maybe if its bad at first that you'd work on it as you got to know your partner. With my 1st it was terrible almost all the time. Eventually we gave up. With my ex, it was wonderful the first time and obviously diminished with each time he abused me. The only times it was good anymore was when I was too drunk to care and could let my imagination wander a little bit, almost convincing myself again I Was with a gentleman.

 

So... I guess I'm also afraid that having sex too soon will end up like my second partner -- that it will feel so wonderful that I'll feel I'm meant to be with this person, its just too good not to be that way... of course that adds on to the other traits he was displaying at the time. In instances like my 1st partner, when its bad off the get go, I know that I should probably leave at that point but I'm afraid I'd just look at that and say "it can be fixed" and try and work on it until I had to give up anyway years down the road. I don't think that my "make it work" trait is bad. I know its important for a good marriage down the line. But it seems that, either I'm stuck with something that there is nothing to fix because I'm not with the right person anyway, OR I can't fix it because I am not the person holding the tools (as was the case with my abusive ex).

 

I'm trying to learn the warning signs of abusive people so that at least doesnt happen again. As far as trying to work it out with someone I'm not attracted to, as happened with my first partner, I'm pretty darn certian I'll never make that mistake again. I was never really attracted to him in the first place, having sex or not didn't tell me that... I could feel it every day. But, between my personality and it being the first one, I was afraid to move on and not give it every chance.

 

But yeah... definitely concerned about running into another abusive partner. At least this time I am stronger to realize what going on right away. That I CAN be duped into an abusive relationship just like anyone else, and I have to stay on guard just enough so that I can recognize it.

 

My ex told me that he was waiting on me to make him happy. Another abuser trait -- expecting its the girl's responsibility to make you happy, and thus her fault if you're not, making the abuse justified in his eyes. Then he said he JUST realized that he had to make himself happy. This is SUCH BULLSH*T. I told him all the time that I could not make him happy, that he had to do it himself. My mother taught me this, and she was very adamant about it. I learned how to bring my own happiness. Yes, having a partner became part of that, but only a small part that I need to now overcome.

 

Another thing I noticed. He mentioned that he was trying for the past year to make me happy but nothing worked. (sounded like he arguing my side!!) .. one of his reasons was that he always told me now that I could go out with friends and he wouldn't mind.

 

I'll copy and paste cause I already told a friend about it:

Thing is, [ex] used to say I couldn't go out... or he didnt want me to, he made me feel very bad about it, even if I was just going to a study group. Well, then I stopped going out. When I stopped, he said "you can go! Its okay!" ... but I didn't, because I didn't want to deal with any grief if he changed his mind, or if I did something while out that he didn't approve of (nothing bad, of course). He brought this up yesterday, saying how he tried to please me nonstop for a whole year but I was never receptive.. how he said I could go out (of course, this is just on par with him "allowing me", that he feels he has a right to do... the reality of it is, he should never feel that he can "allow" me to do anything, because the choice was already mine!!) When I used to go out, I wouldn't think twice of asking him. But I didnt go out often, and it started with study groups which he immediately was upset about... so I went out less and less and finally not at all. He knew that once I started asking his permission that I was hooked. When I STOPPED asking for permission but simply let him know I had an invite, he knew he could say its okay that I go because I wasn't asking for permission anyway, hence I clearly didn't even want to go. He had ME thinking it was MY idea to not go out.

 

 

Hearing him now say he was letting me go out is just an admission on his part that he thinks it was his choice to begin with!!!

 

Another thing I said to her, on par with finding your own happiness-- she was saying how she thinks upbringing must make them the way they are (she too had an abusive boyfriend):

Anyway, I know upbringing must have something to do with it, but I don't think addressing those issues and blaming them will heal an abuser. He's got to realize his thinking is wrong. That a woman is not HIS, and that she is free. [Ex] says he respsects me, loved me, trusted me... but I know its all a lie. You cannot treat someone that way whom you ever loved, trusted, or respected. He may THINK he felt those things, but they were not the true feelings. He felt love, trust, and respect only insomuch as "his" woman deserved to be loved, trusted, and respected -- which comes after all his needs are met. In his eyes she is, plain and simple, not as important as he is; its her job to make him happy. [Ex] has told me this during the breakup... that he was waiting for ME to make him happy.. and he's only "now realizing" that he had to make himself happy. that is BULL**** because I ALWAYS told him that only he can make himself happy. My mother taught me this a lot growing up, to be in control of my own happiness. But he didn't think that way, and I cannot change his thinking.

 

Again, just another admission on his part that he is in fact abusive! If only he realized how telling his words and actions were...

 

I am hoping anyone reading this thread who is in an abusive relationship can start seeing these things and recognizing them for what they are. It makes getting out so much easier... not EASY, but easier...

 

Last text I got from him at 4:45 this morning, when he knows I'm up for work. "All these parties and girls don't equal holding you at night. Have a good day at work." ... lol he's such a bozo, I didn't even answer him.

 

He should have realized that a lot sooner. Not to mention all the chances I gave him to change.. and everytime he slacked off. He never wanted to change. He wanted ME to make him happy /change him .. wanted me to make him food that was healthier, take him outside and exercise with him... ask him to get off the computer. He did ask me once if it was okay he spent all day on the computer for something he was expecting to do. I said it was fine. I don't control him! But I guess he wanted me to say no, according to him... But thing is I know damn well he didn't want me to say no, he wanted to get on that computer! If I had said no he'd probably have blown up. I didn't want to baby him... I had done that with my last partner and I was done with that. Unfortunately I was still babying him to a point. I put pressure on him now and again to help out around the house even a little, to at least stop leaving dishes and glasses all over. Not that I'm perfect but I at least would clean up my dishes... I could probably count on one hand the times he cleaned up. And only during times he was trying to make amends. Yet everytime we fought about it, somehow he was the super helpful one and I was lazy... made me forget all the time all the times I cleaned up. He would say: Who did the dishwasher the last three times?! I DID! And I, amazed, would say: I'm sorry... you did the dishwasher the last three times? Thats funny, cause I did one today and two more within the last week. I'm pretty sure you didn't do it three times since this morning!

He remembers those one or two times he did something nice and acts like it was a HUGE favor to me. Again, another abuser tendency: That I owe him all this cleaning, cooking, etc. But if he makes me dinner once, or does the dishes once, that's good for a long time because he was being nice to me, and I should be happy he was being nice. I will give him credit... he did cook quite often. But he only ever made one thing, and he only cooked it when he wanted it (I'm guessing cause he didn't like what I had planned), and I would always stand around in the kitchen to help out... I enjoyed spending time with him like that. But if I cooked, he'd be upstairs on the computer and I would bring him the food. He'd thank me, but if we got into an argument about anything house-keeping related, especially when I complained about how he makes me cater to him, this would come up. "I cook for you!" he'd say, as if he did it everyday and brought me food in bed on a silver platter... I'd say: Yes, and thank you, but ever notice how I'm here helping you? I'm not expecting you to bring it to me while I do something else. I'm here spending time with you because I know you want me here with you. When I cook, you're doing something else and expect me to always cater to you. You expect me to know whats for dinner FOR YOU. Expect me to know what you want, how you'll like it made, and make it for you.

I swear, once I made something he didn't like, I didn't add enough cheese. He was sitting on his computer game the whole time. I brought it up to him and he complained about it. He complained as if it was my fault I didn't know he wanted more cheese. I asked if he wanted me to get more, he said no. Then he kept complaining, even getting MAD at me for not making it right. Well I'm sorry, I offered to fix it but you said no, I can only do so much. Then of course he went on complaining how he was still hungry because that wasn't any good. well, hey, I told you from the get go: MAKE WHAT YOU WANT. This is what I'm making because this is what I want. You said you'd have some too, because you were too lazy to make your own thing. Then you go downstairs, open the fridge and stare in and say "There's nothing to eat here!!" Getting so angry about it... asking to order food when you know we're low on money. I say: make something! There's plenty in there!! But no, he would never... if it couldn't be popped in the microwave and eaten in 30 seconds then it wasn't food.

 

Sigh. I love thinking of this stuff as I go along. Some of this stuff is as recent as a month ago. The past month has been better because he's been out of the house all week on business. Everytime he does that, all week is great cause he's lovey and misses me. Then he comes home and that lasts until about night time when he gets agitated and yells. Then the weekend sucks. Then he went away again and it was as if we never fought, and he was lovey again.... and I went along with it, happy as can be to get positive attention. This last time he knew it was bad, that I was on the last straw, cause he made such wonderful promises he knew I'd want to hear. No way. Can't believe them anymore.

 

Oh, and get this, then he blamed me for dumping him 2400 miles away (he was in cali). I told him: Hey... I did NOT want to do this while you were away. I wanted to wait until you got back. But you could tell in my voice something was wrong, and you forced it out of me. So, don't blame me for that.

 

Amazing how he is always trying to turn stuff around on me, trying his "Crazy-making" Tactics even now. We used to argue, and if I couldn't remember specific examples then it was like he never did it (if I was asking him to stop doing something, for instance). Then he would take my words and twist it, either blaming it on me or recounting one example where he wasn't that way... and of course his one example was better than my none, so he wouldn't listen to my argument at all. It made me go crazy, thinking I had the worst memory ever, I can't even remember one time he did something bad in all these times... I can't remember any exact moment because usually it was a common, daily occurrence. It was so easy to remember the good times because 1) they were less frequent and thus stood out more, and 2) I think the victim has a tendency to focus on the good and try to drown out the bad, in an attempt to feel better and survive emotionally...

 

Okay. I think I've gone on enough... I need to get cleaning out his car, we exchange them monday (he's got the truck I'm getting). I also need to pack all his clothes into it, so he doesn't have to stay as long Monday (I guess he's still coming now, according to him. I'm not really sure though...) I'm hoping to meet him at the notary, exchange the cars, and him see the clothes and toiletries and realize he doesn't need to come back with me at all to the house. He said he wants to keep his stuff here until he finds a place. That's fine I'll just use his TV and PS3 like he used me to get the stuff he wanted (that tv for instance, paid with money we really didnt have to spend but he just HAD to have it). The rest of his stuff I'll shove into a spare room/ closet, get it out of the way and clean up this place. That'll make his move-out day easier.

 

ITs gonna be so tiring going through all the bills/paperwork and finding his stuff lol...oh well. One step at a time. First, this notary paperwork and exchanging cars, and giving him his bills. Then I Can separate the car insurance. Then we can cancel that joint account next week. ... can't think of anything else right now.

 

Thanks guys.

[blueskyday]

He is trying to bait you and get you engaged again in the drama....If he says something that blames you, you want to correct him...normal, with normal people, but he's NOT normal. He will not validate you. He will blame you, turn things around, make you doubt yourself.

 

Don't talk to him anymore. If he says something rude like "You gave up," and you can't help but hear it, then say "Yes, I did give up." He can't argue with that.

 

The experts say to make him believe you DO blame it all on yourself, don't argue with him. Say things like "I'm so confused. I need time." Don't try to talk with him about what went wrong in the relationship. It's like trying to pin jello to the wall....impossible.

 

Talk to people who will validate you, like your mom, and people here.

 

And, yes, you need to hear that he's a psycho. You've made enough excuses for him. He's taken advantage of your tender, forgiving heart...but another good man won't!

 

It helped me to remember that I had to deal with my abusive ex in a way that different from how I dealt with other people. Only share your feelings and thoughts with people it is safe to do that with....he's not safe. He's your enemy. Be careful. Lie to him if necessary. Don't trigger him. Don't fight. Give in and walk away....stay safe....

 

Oh, and how about taking all his crap to a self-storage place and then mailing him the key. Pay for one month and let him take care of it from that point on....believe me, he is trying to stay connected to you by keeping his stuff there...don't fall for it.

 

Give him so bullcrap like you need to put his stuff in storage because you are getting new carpet, or are moving, blah blah...just don't tell him the real reason is because you are afraid of him...

[Kaito]

Someone had mentioned moving his stuff to storage and I totally forgot. I'll have to consider it. He can't exactly afford storage... but.. well, thats on him for racking up all those bills with uneccessary stuff.

 

I like the idea to agree with him to diffuse him. He might sense I'm not being serious though, obviously he knows me too well. I will try it though if he starts to guilt trip me again. I'll try and be convincing.

 

He sister contacted me. Not sure if I mentioned that here or not. She's a sweetheart and was supporting my decision. She knows parts of the story I don't even know, like how my ex never wanted to talk to his son when I thought all along he called on a weekly basis (his sis helped take care of his son). And my ex's mom told him that she would consider having the son stay with us over here (12 hours away from where he is now) if we were serious. My ex simply told me she never got back to him and that she wouldn't entertain the thought.

 

I am calling the locksmith tomorrow to get a quote. Its gonna be a really busy day tomorrow between that, something I gotta do for work, getting that document made up and signed, and dealing with him... >

 

It sucks... he's so messy and I'm not a whole lot better, and when he moved he didn't really help packing, so stuff is just thrown together.. I'll be glad to get rid of his junk. So much of it I asked him several times to PLEASE go through it and decide what needs to be thrown out, cause it would be things for work or old tools or random gadgets I didn't even know what they were for... but he never did as I asked. Well, its all going into a box now.

 

I guess I have to tackle it one room at a time... today I'm focusing on the car. Cleaning all my stuff out of it, throwing all his clothes into it... which means I'm cleaning out: 1) The car, and 2) the closet with our clothes. ... It helps to make a list like that or else I get overwhelmed. I also have to scour the house for his clothes cause he would drop them anywhere and everywhere, and then wonder why he never had any clean ones in the closet!! SO LAZY.

 

If I do the storage thing, it will be most certainly because he definitely WILL NOT get this stuff out of here on time. He is slow and lazy. In fact, the more I think of it the more I'd say I have to do that. I'll work on getting the stuff isolated to one room, then asking some friends or movers to come in and cart it off to a storage space closer to him (there really aren't any near me).

 

My question is... when I sign up for the storage space, who's name goes on it? If its my name and payments stop... do I get charged? I assume the stuff just gets taken out and dumped as well, which is his problem and not mine (but I sure would rather keep some of it than throw it out! its not all junk). Can I set it up in his name, at an address that I know it'll reach him if they send letters?

 

Anyway, my real reason for needing to put his stuff in storage is quite simply that I need the space for boarders.

 

Another dilemma... he has a lot of big stuff here. His car thats on the trailer, his Jet ski on another trailer, his ATV.... he's going to have to come back anyway to get that stuff. :-/ And that will take at least three separate trips, unless his friends help with their trucks.

 

I'll figure it out. :-/ Right now I have to go eat, I'm getting dizzy!

 

Oh, PS... my darn dog killed two more of the boy chickens that I discovered today, and in front of my eyes killed a beloved hen before I could get to them. He also seemingly paralyzed one of my older roosters, but he is an idiot and I was going to eat him eventually anyway.

 

I was very upset about the hen. I at least salvaged her though.. it was my first time processing a chicken Not much meat on there at all, she just wasn't old enough. As for the rooster, he's hanging on inside the barn. Everytime I see him he's moved a few feet, so I think he's bouncing back. Maybe he's just in shock.. but I may end up having to process him later too Was NOT something I needed today. The older chickens had never gotten out and so far away from the pen that they couldn't jump back in easily. Needless to say, the dog will be tied up everytime he goes outside now.