He's abusive, I'm scared.

[blueskyday]

Yeah, don't tell him ANY details about your life. He will simply use them against you...He's not your friend.

 

Maybe it is a good thing to get the truck and house out of his name. Do you really want to be dealing with this guy in two and five years?

 

You have the choice of letting the house go. It's in his name? Cruise. If it's in both of your names, then talk to your bank. You might be able to pull out your equity and sign the whole house over to him to deal with....The same with the truck. Give it back...I'm sure your family would help you get a car.

 

Start thinking of letting go, not keep things. You would be surprised at how light and free you will feel. And you can be very happy with the things you never thought you would...like an apartment or townhouse...

 

I know you have animals, but what about giving them away? It's okay to focus on taking care of only you now. I'm just saying that you have many options. Don't get too attached to doing this one way -- especially any way that keeps him attached to you....

 

Way to go on how you responded to his new girl interest! If he rips Leo apart again, simply smile and say "Oh, I think he's great," or "I like that about him."

 

Yes, your ex is a huge tool. You never have to second guess yourself about leaving, and that is a mental health gift, as other posters have said....

Edited May 10, 2011 by blueskyday

[betterdeal]

I want never get. Get the house in your name comfortably. It will take as long as it takes, and he can wait. I suggest you consider seeing an independent financial adviser to see what options you have.

 

Good to hear about you and Leo getting along so well! What you going to be cooking for him? Do you have banoffee pie in the States?

 

Oh, yeah, and your ex is weird.

[Mack05]

Kaito. Please read the book Co Dependency No More by Melody Beattie. You have to leave this man now! I recently had a girl leave me because I was emotionally abusive. I am ashamed to say this, but it's true. I realised if I didn't change then I would never be happy with anyone. So I have been in Therapy for 3 months trying to control my obsessive, controlling and reactionary side. Also working on getting my self esteem back and getting rid of my insecurities. I still have alot of work to do but I will get there as I am a good person and I have gotten my fight and will back. This man can't be happy until he is happy within himself and that is going to take years of Therapy from the sounds of it. He can only be helped unless he wants to be helped. Some people just don't want to be helped. Please read the book I have mentioned above.

 

He can do it BUT its best he does this without you. There are too many scars, too much hurt. Sometimes damage within a relationship is irrepairable. Doesn't matter if the Love is still there. Relationships need more then love to survive. The best thing you can both do is Let go, forgive and move on. Focus on yourself Kaito. Focus on turning your weaknesses into strengths. Focus on what it is like to be happy again.

 

Hope it works out for you

[betterdeal]

She has left him. The thread has progressed quite a bit. Good to hear you're discovering more about yourself and working through your issues, Mack05.

[Kaito]

Most people roaming LS try hard to find reassurance in the idea that their ex was completely defective, and that's why things didn't work out. Because it's generally not really true, that can be a pretty empty form of consolation.

 

You have the advantage of knowing that your ex truly is a dickhead. That must make it so much easier to move on from him. The only regret you must have is figuring out how you could have spent so much time with him convincing yourself it was the right thing to do.

 

100000000% that is in fact my only regret -- that I actually tried to PLEASE someone who was such an ass to me, that I wasted so much time doing that, and got such terrible things in return.

 

Now as I move on from him there's more trouble than I realized I'd have. I possibly got an STD while I Was with him. He claims to not have had one but its not like he takes care of himself or ever got tested. I thought I got something, skin test said: yes you have it, blood test (two years later) still says I'm completely negative. But still, I have to go on telling people that I may or may not have something that they can catch. Its nothing that even bothers me anymore but... well, I told Leo and while he didn't say much I have this feeling I've kissed him for the last time, and it was a very sad thought.

 

Then again, I'd have never met Leo if it weren't for my ex.. I did become stronger with him. But the negatives definitely outweigh the positives. Without him I would have just continued on my happy way at home with my old friends and probably would have found my own career in LE since I have wanted to be a detective for a long time.... and that in turn would have made me stronger. And then the hiring freeze may just have gotten me to seek out other places... which may in fact have lead me here to begin with! But that's just speculation lol. Either way, I am so pissed at my ex.

 

I hope my feelings for Leo aren't a "rebound" effect. I don't think they would be... I've tried dating guys after I broke up with my ex other times and that attraction, interest, respect wasn't there and I stopped seeing them. I've only ever felt attracted to a few guys in my life, only ever ended up dating one of them (my ******* ex), and never have I felt so comfortable being intimate with a man. As much as I was attracted to my ex at the beginning, I was still nervous around him and he had to convince me to go forward physically. I enjoyed it, once it was over... but I wasn't completely comfortable.. also the fact that he was a lying dick and that made me uncomfortable ALL the time lol.

 

With Leo, I feel comfortable. I feel I can be myself. We have a lot of similar interests, I enjoy my time with him even if we aren't doing anything terribly exciting (watching a movie, playing games, etc). I look forward to years of friendship with him. I can only dream that we might one day end up as partners... but I have a feeling if we did it would be the last man I am ever with.

 

Still... that doesn't seem likely to me. I think its probably much more likely I'll live a long time alone That's alright, I have enough ambition to make even a life lived alone interesting.

 

 

Bluesky, I certainly don't want to be dealing with him for even anouther two to five weeks!!! I'm just concerned from a money perspective if I can swing it. I'm pretty resourceful though...

 

Its funny, after meeting Leo I did think about letting things go. I love this house, this land... but the idea of being free of my ex completely and the feeling of being so happy with a person who has so little made me realize, like I used to understand before I met my ex, that these material things are secondary at best. There is no substitute for good company... Granted, I don't want to move to a place without land, and I do have responsibilities now (dogs, cat, livestock) that I can't abandon... and yes, I love my home... but I actually considered giving it all up and just getting out once and for all.

 

Thank you Mack05, its good to hear from someone on the other end. I'm glad your advice is still that leaving is the best thing.. not that I would have chosen another route lol. But to hear the abuser affirm it as the right thing is good.

 

Okay. Well I might be hanging out with Leo tomorrow but I haven't heard back from him yet. He still wants to be friends at least so I'm happy I'll have someone around here to hang out with

[betterdeal]

Out of interest, and to compare with my own experiences, did you ever feel you were talking to a child at times with your ex, especially when he was upset?

[Kaito]

Out of interest, and to compare with my own experiences, did you ever feel you were talking to a child at times with your ex, especially when he was upset?

 

A child... yes and no. Yes because he was SUCH a damn cry baby. I wanted to tell him what a kid he was being about things so many times. But when he was really upset.. no, I felt like I was talking to a big, scary, awful man.

 

But yeah, he acted like a kid, just in a big person's body and using words that were far harsher than any kid should use... he did throw tantrums though lol.

 

I'm having a dilemma. I CRAVE physical attention. SO bad. Its awful. I also crave Leo's attention but he seems to be moving on and into other interests. He wants to hang out and be friends still but its too late for me, I have fallen for him. I want my next guy to be it. The one I'll marry, yanno? Leo has spoiled me because I found in him all I want... but he doesn't feel the same for me. He hasn't said this but I get that vibe. He says how awesome it is I'm into the same stuff. I know he's attracted to me. He says he's afraid because of what happened with an ex... he gets panicky when it gets too serious. But what the hell? So don't act so aloof all of a sudden, we can still enjoy our time together and not worry about that.

 

I dunno, I also know I'm too pushy. I want to hang out with him at every chance. I don't have many friends out here and I just want to not be alone all the time. I considered continuing to make new friends from that dating site but I also know that I'm craving physical attention and 1) I'm not confident I would stop myself if something became physical with a new person (even if I didn't really want it to) and 2) I am still very much into Leo and, quite frankly, don't want to be physical with anyone else. I don't even want to spend time with anyone else. Everyone else is boring in comparison. I already found someone I can enjoy time with, who fits so well with all my interests and all my goals in life. Who is SO sexy and drives me absolutely wild. But its KILLING me to not be around him. Its so hard cause he lives closeby and it is so easy to just swing by and hangout. But he seems so aloof now, like... he says we can "maybe" hangout everytime I ask. Well today was a maybe, and now he's saying he's got company and he'll let me know if company falls through. Sounds to me like he's got someone else who's doing the same to him as he's doing to me.. Maybe another girl he met (although he says the girls don't talk to him) and now I'm on standby or something. Maybe I've been had! Even so, who he is is absolutely fascinating to me... I also think its another girl cause he continued cleaning out his place today of his ex's stuff, which I guess he did a BIG cleaning out the day I first met him. Not like I can really be upset about that, we're not dating, duh... but of course its upsetting that he can be physical with me and just go to the next girl. I'm dying here.. I am desperate, its pathetic! I really like him. I'm not even gonna try and hide it anymore from you guys, cause I've been telling everyone, "Yeah we're just gonna be friends and see where it goes.." F that. It sucks. I don't want that. I want him. I want him to want me. The worst of it is, I severely doubt I'll find someone like him again... or at least anytime soon. He's worth waiting for. Ugh. Why am I so pathetic? I fell so hard for this guy in days. I keep thinking, "Just wait and see, give it a month and you won't even like him anymore cause you'll snap out of it!" ... but if he continues to be as he has been, and he's not the ******* my ex was (what with switching personalities).. then I don't see how that's gonna happen.

 

This totally sucks. I feel like I screwed up my chance and he was the guy I was supposed to be with. I know how crazy this sounds, I do. Its awful. But I really. honestly. truly. feel this way. I HATE IT. That's how I am.. I fall, I fall hard. There is no "little bit". I go along with it, tell him :Yeah we'll just be friends and see how it goes.... but he's all I think about, all I want to do is be near him. Being around him makes me feel so alive.

 

Now that I don't think he's into me, though, let me make one thing clear: I AM NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY THINKING ABOUT MY EX. He is a complete dick and really pulled a pathetic stunt today (cancelled my car insurance on me while I was out driving, I'll get into that later). I do think about making more friends and getting on with it... but that feeling of wanting to touch him, cuddle, kiss, play games, talk about our dreams, etc... it doesn't just go away.

 

But let me shift gears. First, I went to another worthless counseling session again. She talked more than me about books and history and I barely got to say anything. Essentially she decided I didn't need help so she just went on her own tangent. I didn't reschedule. She's a nice lady but she didn't really care since I was getting the service for free through work. So, I wanted to tell her about my dilemma with Leo but.. no luck. Oh well.

 

So I talked to my ex today. He mentioned swinging by to pick something up. I said:Okay, and I can give you the money for the car insurance.

First, a little back story. I had wanted to change the car insurance ASAP when we broke up. Its in both our names together for both vehicles. Its also linked to my house. I wanted to separate ourselves into our own policies, but he insisted it would be better, easier, cheaper to keep it together at least one more month. I said okay, foolishly figuring he knew what the hell he was talking about.

Now let us continue...

Him: When is it due?

Me: Soon... but it never comes out on time, its always like a week late.

Him: I wanted it canceled.

Me: Huh...??!? (I'm thinking: No you didnt... I did, and I didn't do it FOR YOU because YOU wanted it together one more month)

So I called him to sort it out. I told him, since the car insurance was in his name originally that he would have to call and ask them what he needs to do, see if he can move himself to a new policy and put my name as primary... I figured since I wasn't primary they wouldn't let me change anything. And then I would call and transfer myself off if that had to happen instead, I told him to call me when he was finished. Then we started talking about the relationship, he said I should have given him a chance to fix it, I started getting agitated, eventually I said: I gotta go, I need to take a trip to the dump.

So at this point, he knows I'm going for a drive. I'm on my way to drop off the recycling, and I see he called me and I missed it. I call him back. This is what he says:

I can't put the policy in your name, they won't let me. You have to open your new policy (I say okay, no problem). Oh, and I canceled your name and the nissan, you don't have insurance right now.

Me: What?!?! I'M DRIVING. I don't have insurance?!?!

Him: no.

Me: Are you serious?!

Him: That's the way the world works.

(I thought he was pulling my leg. I waited for him to say just kidding... never came. I almost sad "F*CK YOU." and hung up, but I instead said...)

Me: I gotta go. ::hangs up::

 

So I finish my business, go home and take care of it.... like I should have done at first and NOT listened to him. That a**. It was no problem, thank goodness.

 

Anyway, between the a** he's been lately and this stunt, I've decided his **** is going into storage while I'm on vacation. I'm getting my paper signed ASAP and putting his stuff away and giving him the key and saying good riddance! He's gonna keep treating me like **** then I'm not gonna play even remotely nice anymore.

 

Anyway... so.. I hate being single. Well, scratch that. I enjoy the freedom, I hate being lonely. Not having someone to hang out with. Also its KILLING ME because I was never a very physical person and lately all I can think about is touching him >>; Ugh. Its pathetic!! The thought of never being able to kiss him again drives me nuts. Now I know why people do casual flings. I NEVER EVER thought I'd understand that. IT IS NOT ME. But to enter a relationship properly it seems you gotta get to know the person first, be friends... whether or not you're fooling around. But the thought of having a casual fling with someone does NOT appeal to me in the slightest. I wasn't even expecting to get physical with Leo. He says he wasn't expecting to either, it "just happened." I don't see how that can just happen, he started touching me first (not that I'm complaining). Ugh. I crave those nights. If I could relive them again I would, it was so wonderful. I've never felt like that with someone and felt so comfortable at the same time. I feel the urge to shake him and be like: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!??!?! DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT A GOOD THING WE COULD HAVE?! But... maybe he doesn't. Maybe I'm seeing things that aren't there. But the way we talk and agree on things that concern the future, all I can think is: We'd be perfect together. I just want the chance for that to blossom.

 

But its probably too soon. Too soon to settle down. In fact I know it is cause I'm not out of the woods with my ex yet. But... I feel so certain I found the one (and at the same time my rational mind kicks me saying 'how could you possibly know that?!?!?'). I'm so impatient. Ugh! I don't want to do anything but hangout with him I need help.

 

Seriously though. I really need help, I cannot STAND feeling this way.

 

I started talking to another of the guys I met on POF to try and take my mind off Leo. Not in a flirty way, just friendly.. I really have no romantic interest in this other guy, but he is fun to talk to. We just have nothing in common really. Its stuff like that which makes me feel Leo is NOT a rebound. I was talking to this other guy first but I knew it wouldn't become anything. I actually had searched my area and found Leo's profile and thought: darn I hope he messages me! (I had promised myself not to go looking for anyone)... and lo and behold he did! And at first I thought: well his profile looks okay but he's probably not that great... and the more we talked the more he revealed about himself and it was like: Woah!!! He's... he's exactly what I was looking for!! ... .. .. . DAMNIT.

 

And the first night we met it felt SO right to be physical with each other. I've NEVER... NEVER EVER been that physical with someone in one night of knowing them. NEVER. My ex was the fastest I've been physical with someone up until that point and we didn't even kiss until the second or third time meeting. Anything more was after we were serious / a couple. So.. I guess I'm shocked at my behavior, but not sad about it... not remorseful. Just upset it can't continue.

 

I've tried dating other guys before. The two before my ex we never even held hands, maybe hugged once? lol. The one in between break ups with my ex... we went on a few days before we even kissed once. We were kinda physical one night but it didn't feel right, so I called it off. And even that was... well... not much of anything really.

 

So I can't just do that with anyone. I have to really like them, really feel comfortable with them, really think that I could be serious with that person. I had no qualms about it with Leo. I still fee comfortable and safe with him... just disappointed it seems to be slipping away. Sad that I think it won't ever come back. Very sad. As in... I want to cry.

 

I'm trying to focus on my home and myself. On ways to better myself. I know what I can do, what I want to do... but I still want to be around Leo so much more.

 

 

Grrrrr >( I'm so frustrating to myself. sometimes I escape it for a while and feel happy with the decision to let it go, focus on me, move on... accept it'll never be. But I can't seem to accept that last part... the "never" part. I'm dying to at least hang out with him one more time before I completely calm down, to see how he acts around me. To see if he really is being more distant or if its in my head. To see if he's still into me at all, or if it really is just gonna be friends only for us.

 

I'm hopeless Why the hell did I have to find someone I liked so much?!!??! Someone so awesome?! How the hell will I find someone like this again???? He's such a rare person! Ugh. Yeah sure I thought that about my ex at one time, until I snapped the hell out of it and realized he was a dick who I didn't mesh well with at all... on many important things like how we managed money, how he was lazy, etc. Sure we had interests, but those things + his meanness got in the way. Leo and I share interests and him and I have similar ideas about how to manage money. He's how I was way back when before I met my ex and before he ruined me with debt >( We also have similar ideas about wanting to be self sufficient. He's a bit more paranoid about things than me though, I think... or perhaps paranoid is the wrong word, just opinionated lol. Which I love <3

 

Again.. I stand by it. I'm hopeless. It actually makes me feel better to think I'll be alone the rest of my days than to think I'll move on and be with someone else in the future. I am that hooked on this guy. I'm such a fool!

 

"Are you blind?"

"I'm in love..."

"Oh god I'd rather you were blind...."

[betterdeal]

Steady on, tiger! You're horny and you want some cock, and Leo has it. So do what Kate Winslet would do:

 

 

Don't confuse lust with long term commitment. You've known the guy for a short time, but all looks good so far and you want his sex, so have sex already! A long term relationship takes time, so relax, have sex, and enjoy yourself.

[Kaito]

Lol. But thats so not me! I don't just have sex with people I'm not with I've been thinking about it with Leo but ... I don't want to become that person either. Anyway, I don't think he'd have sex with me.

 

But.. I spoke to him last night and he said the company he had over was not company he wanted, and he had a bad night. I'm going to hear about it today. I don't have any clue what its about.

 

But yeah I know I need to calm down lol. You're right, lust isn't love... I guess I've just never been the type to lust so strongly lol. And I think what throws me off is all the traits he has, things he likes, dreams he has, etc. are so in tune with mine that it makes me feel there should be something more between us.

[betterdeal]

There's nothing wrong with having a good wank.

 

You have practical stuff to resolve, and a long term relationship built on affection and companionship is likely to last longer and be more enjoyable, flexible and strong than any other. And if it last 3 months or 3 years, it will be fun.

 

Just enjoy what you do have and don't worry too much. Life is good.

[Kaito]

Ex drunk messaged me on FB last night about how he wished he was a better man when we were together, said he missed me, etc. I didn't respond.

 

That's about it. Been talking to Leo a lot, otherwise been busy at work. Should have my paperwork signed by Monday afternoon.... then I can work on getting all this junk out of my house!!!

[betterdeal]

Good good. Shame the ex is still stuck in a self-defeating pattern, but that's his choice.

[Kaito]

Well, betterdeal... you win lol. Leo and I had sex last night. I decided early in the night that if it got to that point id let it happen. It did... and I don't regret it in the slightest. in fact I can't wait to have another go at it! Lol. I've never had sex outside a relationship but i suppose theres a first time for everything. And I'm still hoping this develops into something more.

[betterdeal]

Hooray for play mates!

[Kaito]

The ex came over yesterday to get some items. One thing he needed and I had to help him search the house. Well, while we were doing this, he starting talking... and he guessed that I slept with the guy I have been talking to. He knew I had been talking to someone but that's all he knew, and I only divulged that because he had told me he was talking to someone first (I know, foolish mistake to trust him with any information). As I think I've mentioned, I've been very supportive of him talking to this girl. She seems to help him a lot. He says she was in an abusive relationship too and she helps him through everything, helps him realize what he did. He even apologized for not listening to how I felt when I broke up with him.

 

But, when he guessed that I had slept with Leo, I couldn't deny it. I'm an awful liar, he'd see right through me. Besides, I have nothing to hide, although him knowing did scare me and he got so bad at one point I almost called the cops, because I thought he was going to turn physical. I ended up hiding a screwdriver in my belt line and kept my phone in my pocket just in case. When I finally started to call my Sgt. he stopped and calmed down for the most part.

 

Anyway, he went on a tirade, calling me a whore, a slut, saying I never loved him if I could move on so quick. It made me so mad. He forgot the fact that last time we broke up he ended up sleeping with someone else in the same time-frame... someone he had to travel 10+ hours to see, so I imagine if he could have gotten to her sooner he would have ****ed her sooner. Anyway, it was his ex who used to walk all over him. He went back and felt used again.

 

But then a week after that him and I got back together. During that time I tried dating someone new, but I never slept with him. We made out once and I didn't feel comfortable so I ended it, it just wasn't meant to be... we weren't even close to compatible. Anyway, now ex keeps saying how I never loved him, I waited until he was out of the house to end it (which I didn't, you all know I Wanted to wait until he came home but he forced it out of me over the phone)... he said he knew something was wrong cause I was treating him like **** while he was away. By "treating like sh*t" he means not saying I loved and missed him. That's all I did. I wasn't about to lie anymore. I didn't miss him, I loved it when he went away. I did once love him but to say I did anymore felt wrong, now that I was thinking of leaving him. He told me I broke promises, which is probably true. I think I promised to him two or three days before he left (the morning of the last fight) that I would be there for him and wasn't going anywhere. I don't remember if I promised and actually said "I promised" or what, but clearly if I did it was a promise I couldn't keep. He says I never loved him... well, I had told him the same thing. I've told him he couldn't have loved me because you don't treat someone you love like that.. you don't call them names, hit them, make them feel like ****.

 

He's a grade A ass. He's gonna make me look like the bad-guy no matter what I do. It doesn't matter that I tried for almost 3 years to make it work. That I told him, always, the only thing I wanted from him was respect and to be treated well. He blamed me for treating him like ****, not showing him love, calling him fat, using him since we got the house. I wasn't sure what he meant. He always called himself fat and no, I didn't deny it cause its true. I encouraged him to lose weight. But he wanted ME to do it FOR him. I'm not kidding either, he admitted to me he wanted ME to make his meals, keep him on track with his exercise and weight loss. He told me he thought it was my responsibility. What?! That's absurd!!! So I guess by now taking that responsibility for him, he assumes that means I called him fat and treated him like ****. Whatever.

 

Its funny how he exhibits every trait of an abuser, and yes its getting worse again now that its over.

 

In good news, the document is signed and as far as I'm concerned this house is mine as long as I make payments. He has no say! He told me that Leo is not to come into the house. Well, he hasn't yet, but he will. **** my ex. Telling me what to do? Really? AFter calling me a whore, bitch, slut, etc. Telling ME I didn't love him, even though I spent years trying to make him happy at the expense of my own well-being? Thankfully I'm a strong person. I improved myself during the process as well. I could have easily been cut down, been more controlled, but I rose against it.

 

If I haven't said it already, I'll admit it now. I got an abortion almost 2 years ago. It was our child, obviously, because I have never cheated on him (or anyone, and I never would!). Well, there were many factors at play, otherwise I would have kept it:

1) I had JUST accepted a job with the police. The baby was due 2 weeks before the end of the academy. I would have lost my job if I kept it, furthering my reliance upon my ex.

2) We couldn't afford a child on our current salaries. We could barely afford for HIS son to visit, let alone a new one to have around all the time.

3) The enter 5 weeks I was pregnant I had a lot to drink. There were many parties and I had no clue, so I lived it up. Who knows what damage I had already done to it.

4) I have paragard. This may be my hippy thinking but that copper in there pulls toxins toward it... was my fetus also toxic?

5) I had been under a LOT of stress that month from my current job, not helping things either... but in and of itself clearly no reason to get an abortion.

 

I did not want a child then either, although I had thought about it many times, and many times AFTER that I did want a baby. But I never wanted THAT baby. And I am literally thankful EVERY SINGLE DAY that I did not bring it into this world. That only would have bonded me to my ex for life, in some form. I would never have been able to escape him. And whats worse, I would have been subjecting that child to all the abuse my ex exhibits -- the same abuse he already shows his own son. I wasn't comfortable with the thought of that.

 

So, I have no regrets. I used to think "My baby would have been so and so old today." I don't think that anymore, because as far as I'm concerned there was no baby. There was another chain of bondage that almost took hold, and I broke it. Also, I've seen the custody battles between parents, and how they affect the kids... I see it at work all the time. The court said this, or that, so give me my baby now... people physically pulling kids apart from each other. Screaming. Name calling. Terrible cursing. In front of toddlers.... its awful. I knew my baby would have had that in store. NEVER. It would have been selfish of me to bring a child into this world knowing all the things I knew... how I had already sabotaged its growth with my drinking and how it would be coming into a hostile environment. Both of those things alone made me want to stick with my decision, but it was in fact the job that pushed my hand. I may not have had the guts otherwise. The new job made me feel like I had no real choice.

 

Another tidbit of information, had I not aborted the baby then I would have been pregnant when he slammed the car door against me. But, had that been the case, I might have actually left then in fear for my child's safety.

 

Anyway, he told me that he never fully forgave me for getting an abortion. Two years later, this was news to me. He always said he supported my decision. But now, he tells me he never forgave me, and that I'm a horrible person for choosing my career over a life. Wow, that's funny. When I met him, his ex was pregnant with their child. She got an abortion too, and he told me lots of times he was so glad because he never wanted to have kids with her. So, now I'm a bad person? But its okay that she did it cause you didn't want that one? Only I'm bad cause you wanted THIS child, with me... got it!

 

After he said this to me, I responded with : Ok, Mr. I-treat-my-son-like-****-cause-i-resent-my-ex. Got it.

 

I know I shouldn't stir the pot but GOD he makes me SO mad.

 

It took me a few hours to calm down from that. I ended up hanging out with Leo later (last night) and forgot about the whole thing lol. I had a great time watching a show and cuddling. In the morning when I said I had to go, he leaned over and hugged me tightly. I even got a kiss before I left.. that's the first time he came to me for one, and it felt really good. Its amazing... the feeling of respect I have for him and myself.. that feeling of being treated right. I can disagree with him and not told that my decision is stupid. Instead he says "I disagree,..." and tells me what he thinks. Its phenomenal to me to deal with someone who isn't offended by my ideas, my opinions... I feel so fortunate to have found him.

 

Aw, Leo just called me

[betterdeal]

If you're a whore, slut, horrible person then he must be happy to be free now.

 

Sticks and stones...

[Kaito]

Lol thanks. You always put it in perspective and make me feel better, just like that I mean it too.. its amazing how just a little outside input makes all the difference. Thank you.

 

EDIT: Oh and just something else to mention... When we were arguing he said that he wouldn't hit me because it wasn't worth it. When he clarified, he said that I wasn't worth getting in trouble over.

 

So I guess I was worth him getting in trouble over before... but... not worth his respect, because clearly he didn't have any if he'd insult me/hit me... ... he makes absolutely no sense! I am glad to be rid of him. I'm currently working on cleaning out my house of all his junk. When my mom comes memorial day weekend, I'm gonna try and get it all put into storage.

 

I can't wait until he's completely out of my life His sister "unfriended" me on facebook today, after he made a comment on her page about me breaking up with him while he was away. They must have been talking. I have no clue what he could have said to her, or what lies he spewed, to get her to do that... we were talking a bit in messages, I was telling her all the things he's done to me, she was telling me about her husband. I really liked her, so who knows what he's blaming on me. Sure, it looks bad. I left him when he lost his job, took all his best financial assets, and made him leave. And now I'm moving on just fine (at least I am when he stays out of my hair!)... but its not like I didn't try. I didn't WANT it to happen now, this way. It just did.

 

Sigh.

Edited May 20, 2011 by Kaito

[coffeeaddict]

So he's apologetic for not listening to your feelings, and his new girlfriend is helping him to realize his behavior and change his ways. But at the same time, you're a whore, a slut, you're responsible for his weight, and you never loved him.

 

Hmm. Moving on:

 

he starting talking

he guessed that I slept with the guy

Anyway, he went on a tirade, calling me a whore, a slut, saying I never loved him if I could move on so quick.

He told me that Leo is not to come into the house.

 

Lest we forget, in his words, he's eager for you to date other men (So you can find out what a great guy he is) and has no intention of getting back together. Yet he's keeping tabs on your sex life, he explodes at you when he finds out you were intimate with another man, and now he's attempting to forbid you from bringing him to the house.

 

Interesting.

 

It sounds like both you and Leo have found quite a catch in each other. Take care and stay strong.

[Kaito]

Thank you coffee. I was actually updating my other post, so I'll put it here...

 

 

Now he's texting me saying he lost the best girl on earth, and he was hoping I stayed single until he got "the help he needs". Lol. I told him plenty of times a big reason for the split was because I couldn't let go of what he had already done to me, not just because of the pain he could cause me in the future. Too much bad blood, especially now! He's been awful during the breakup.

 

Lol he's saying I'm worth waiting any amount of time, and "we were so good." He's so blind. We were not good, even without the abuse. Financially he was a mess and we could never agree on anything. It drove me mad and gave us undue stress. I wanted a simple life, he wanted toys. Also he's too angry all the time, too hostile, not just to me but even to the world around him.. He was telling me he got in two fights this week! He won, "of course", he said.

 

He says he would have gone to counseling for years for me, anything not to lose me. Its funny. I told him exactly what he had to do not to lose me, and he kept doing it. One simple request. Treat the one you love with kindness. TREAT ME with KINDNESS. That's all I EVER asked of him. Well... okay I occassionally asked for him to help me pick up the house and clean and all that, but I sort of consider that as part of the kindness. Its only right to help clean up the mess you make and not lay all the responsibility on your partner. Now that he's gone its so much easier to keep this place neat, even if I do have two young dogs tearing half of the place apart!! That's saying a lot.

 

I'm asking him why his sis unfriended me, he just said cause everyone's having a hard time with the breakup. Everyone thought we were forever, he said. Well, his family also told me they understand, cause they know how he is. He treats them all poorly too. Who knows. I still don't see how us breaking up has anything to do with her unfriending me, we were talking and getting along very well. I still think he told her something and he's hiding it. Somehow he turned her against me. I don't think she'd just unfriend me for the hell of it.

 

Telling me he can't sleep more than 2 hours most nights... how finding out I went into "the arms of another" was so painful, that we had "something special." He's so disillusioned. I thought we had something special to. There was nothing special but lies and puppy love for a short while, and then the long drawl of figuring out that we were poisoning ourselves -- him for his abuse, me for letting it happen. I'm proud of myself for persevering and actually coming out on top in the end; with a better job, a better life, despite being secluded from my loved ones. I made new friends, a new family in the police force. I think I deserve to scratch my back a little here.

 

He says in his head he wants to be happy for me. Lol. He's such a liar. Or ****ing demented. He mood swings worse than PMS. Then again I never really had that issue so I guess PMS isn't that bad? Whatever he mood swings BAD. In split seconds, demonstrated as recently as yesterday, he could be cursing me out with the worst scowl on his face and then suddenly crying and apologizing saying how hard it is for him. Well, he's certainly not making it any easier. But I'm not making it harder, I'm just trying to get it over with... which is exactly what he doesn't want. He's making it harder on himself!

 

Now he's telling me he's sorry, cause now he knows how I felt the last time we broke up when he went to sleep with one of his ex's. I told him that this did hurt me, but what hurt more was when he kissed a friend of mine the same night we broke up. He did the same thing this time, except she wasn't a friend... The same night he went to a bar and says he almost slept with a girl there, until her boyfriend called. Then there was a party and he made out with the girl he's now talking to. He says they're not dating, they just talk. But who knows. I've told him I'm happy for him, and I mean it. I really do. He smiles when he's talking about her. I hope that she really helps him as much as he says she is, but I'm not sure if him telling me about her isn't just a way to make me feel jealous. In fact it probably is.

 

I'm saying as little in response to him right now as I can, letting him know I'm not ignoring him but that I just don't know what to say. I know if I ignore him completely then he'll get mad and it'll just piss me off. If I respond too much it'll start an argument and that'll really piss me off. Ugh.

 

I guess I knew that I was just experiencing the calm before the storm. But i really hoped it was gonna be smooth sailing. That was naive. I'll be calling the locksmith... probably tomorrow. I was supposed to call today and ended up napping too long and then forgot until it was too late. I might call about the house tomorrow too, see if I can just get his name taken off the loan. Actually, I'll probably email or snail mail the manager of the loan place about that and explain the situation. I'm hoping I can get the house taken care of easily and then just sell the truck and have all the stuff in our names taken care of.

 

Then its just getting his junk out, which I'm working on now. The stuff at my dad's place... I'd like to trash it but I know that some of it has sentimental value to him, it was his grandparent's. I don't care so much for his sake, but for his family and the grandparents' memory.. I can't trash something like that. I'll probably mail it to him one day. And sell the rest. I'm already planning on selling all the jewelry he gave me (three pieces, two of which were bought after we were already having trouble -- one he bought for my birthday when we were BROKEN UP as a way to win me back.. the other two are engangement rings. One we got when things were better -- or rather before I realized there was trouble. The other was after the **** hit the fan the last time around. I really love the rings.. and the bracelet actually. They're just my style. But **** having something that he gave me. That's weird. Its not even close to worth it, so I'm selling it!)

 

Lol he says he'd give up anything to never have hurt me. This is humorous. I've heard that one before, and then he went right back to hurting me! Such a goddamn liar. oh, and he told me that his sis unfriended me because I told her the breakup was mutual. That seems like a stupid reason... probably not the whole truth. Also I don't remember ever telling her that, but I guess I could have. I never felt it was mutual, but I probably told her that my ex and I were getting along and going through it peaceably (when we were).. I thought I had also told her how he fought me on it, but I guess not. Still, that's silly.

 

He stopped texting for the moment so I'll post this.

Edited May 20, 2011 by Kaito

[betterdeal]

So when he said he would not hit you now because it's not worth getting in trouble over, what has changed is you not him.

 

Your response to his threat of physical aggression was to call the cops and pick up a weapon. This is what has changed. He has responded to your new boundary enforcement.

 

The result is that he has learnt that he cannot hit you without a consequence he does not want. Not only have you saved yourself the indignity of being hit, you have taught him a lesson too. You have done your profession an honour too - the police were originally called "peace officers" and you have maintained the peace by making clear to him the consequences of breaking it.

 

Another improvement is how much he is taking on himself instead of projecting onto you. Saying "he'd give up anything to never have hurt me" is taking responsibility for his actions. Again, by enforcing your boundaries, you have helped him to see what is his and what is yours.

 

He sounds very unstable, scared and confused. Like a blind-man in a house of horrors. I don't say this to make you pity him, I say it because as an outsider what he says and does doesn't affect me directly, and it doesn't pull any of my triggers, so I can see it quite dispassionately. From your perspective, this stuff is all getting on your wick, annoying or upsetting you or, in other words, disturbing your peace, breaching your boundaries.

 

Don't try to make sense of each individual statement. You never will. Take the whole thing, the whole series of texts and they are, overall, bugging you. This is a nuisance in your life. What form of redress do you have for nuisance calls in your jurisdiction?

 

Here in the UK it is illegal to send offensive or threatening messages by telephone. One can complain to the police about it and they tend to warn the offender then prosecute if it continues. Another option is to change your phone number. You can warn him if you wish that you don't want any more of these texts as you consider it harassment, for example. Or you can go straight the police or phone company and start the ball rolling.

 

Of course, this is your decision and you may wish to keep that channel open to discuss paperwork &c. or you may choose to close it down with the phone company, and / or send a warning shot across his bows by complaining to the police. Whatever you think is the best way to maintain your own peace.

 

My situation was different, but I choose after a year of once a month booty calls that never transpired into sexy times that I was tired of her phone calls and tired of half wanting to hear from her and half not wanting to, especially late at night when I wanted to sleep and she tended to call. I changed my phone number one day and it brought about a great sense of relief.

 

The most significant thing she said to me was, "it's okay to ask for help".

Edited May 20, 2011 by betterdeal

[Kaito]

The result is that he has learnt that he cannot hit you without a consequence he does not want.

 

Wow... didn't think of it that way. Hah. So what isn't worth it is the getting in trouble part. Because there was no risk of getting in trouble before. What an ass.

 

What form of redress do you have for nuisance calls in your jurisdiction?

 

The best I could do is a peace order.. I'm sure I could get one but I have already considered this. If I get one that says "no unlawful contact" then he can only be arrested if he hits me, pretty much... so that's too late in my opinion. If I get a full one that says "no contact" then its gonna be hard to deal with separating things and the cops will have to come everytime he gets stuff.. and they don't wait around for the big stuff like his ATV. I mean, I guess I'm putting most of this stuff in storage anyway, so maybe its not an issue. If it does get worse I may go that route. Under that, if he texts or calls even once he can be arrested. But I can't provoke him or contact him in any way.. not that I would. I got my contract signed and there's not much else I need to talk to him about. But still, it would make this separation a bit more difficult I think, and I really don't want him to get arrested (I'm sure he'd break it). I don't know why I care at all, but I just don't want that for him. Again, not that I wouldn't call the cops if he came here threatening me. I would without hesitation.

 

Oh, I didn't think about changing my number. I wanted to block his texts on my phone but I couldn't figure out how. I don't mind the phone calls, he doesn't call much and when he does all we talk about is business.

 

If he doesn't let up after all the things are separated (excluding the vehicle and house, those will take longer), then I will definitely consider these routes. At that point, there wouldn't be a reason to talk to him on any sort of regular basis. I'll tell him to leave me alone first and give him the option. I haven't even told him that yet for fear he'd get more violent, and like I said I'm not ready to put a peace order in place. But when there's no more to deal with I'll consider it.

 

The most significant thing she said to me was, "it's okay to ask for help".

 

That's something I had to learn, it being okay to ask others for help. I'd never ask my ex for help. I'd never ask my friends. I'd occasionally ask my parents, mostly my dad when it would involve money. I'd rarely ask my mom but she would offer all the time, even though I know she can barely afford it. I never liked asking them for anything. I liked being about to do things on my own. But I'm glad I asked for help getting away from my ex -- you guys have been the most helpful of all the avenues I sought to strengthen my resolve.

 

My ex would always ask me for help, and that was okay until I became someone who catered on him. Then I learned to start asking him for help on little things, and only things I didn't feel I could do, like fixing in-house appliances. I think it gave him a sense of power knowing I couldn't do it and I "needed" him. He mentioned it a lot during the break up. How I needed a man in the house. He recently said I needed someone mechanically inclined in the house if I wanted to be a farmer (a small dream of mine). I laughed at him and told him I had friends, neighbors, and mechanics I could call if I needed someone to tinker with something, but even so I have no inclination to buy a tractor anytime soon, and he knows this so that REALLY was funny that he tried to use it against me.

 

The sad thing is, I have a feeling its going to get MUCH worse still before the end. I am glad I still have my mother coming in a week. It'll be good to have her here... I just hope, if he does end up coming around, that he'll be on better behavior with her around and doesn't end up threatening her too. I don't think he would but.... I know he's going to become unpredictable.

[betterdeal]

Wow... didn't think of it that way. Hah. So what isn't worth it is the getting in trouble part. Because there was no risk of getting in trouble before. What an ass.

 

Pretty much, although he does express regret afterwards. Taking that at face value, he *does* regret it, but that is not enough to stop him doing it again. Consequences have changed, and added a little booster to his sense of empathy (where his regret comes from), that's all.

 

As for the phone, what make and model do you have? There might be a way to block those texts. I also think calling back each time he texts will discourage him. Texting is easier to do than talking when you're not sure of what you're saying. Don't discuss the content of the text, ask why he is texting, and tell him to stop texting. It's just brain farts that would have gone unnoticed in the days when we didn't have texts.

 

Oh, and put your phone on silent when you go to bed.

 

The sad thing is, I have a feeling its going to get MUCH worse still before the end. I am glad I still have my mother coming in a week. It'll be good to have her here... I just hope, if he does end up coming around, that he'll be on better behavior with her around and doesn't end up threatening her too. I don't think he would but.... I know he's going to become unpredictable.

 

Then keep your colleagues updated, and follow the earlier advice e.g. having people around you, inform your neighbours, discuss options with a lawyer for a restraining order &c.

[Kaito]

My phone is an HTC Droid, from Verizon. Its kind of crappy.

 

I just contacted the locksmith and found out how much its gonna be to change my locks. I'm going to be getting that done next week, before the big move, and hopefully it will be done before my mother arrives. She's helping me pay for it though, depends how quick her check gets to me.

 

In other news, I'm talking to my dad about helping me sell the truck thats in both our names. He's a mechanic and is really good at finding good deals on cars. He's gonna help me buy a more fuel efficient vehicle and then we're gonna sell the truck. I'm going to take a loss now, but its better than the loss I'll have later when I try to re-sell it after its gotten all beat up. I think I'll end up buying a small trailer and a hitch so I can pick up stuff like wood chips and hay for my animals.

[betterdeal]

You have an Android phone! Search on the marketplace for Mr Number and install it. Et voila! You can block his texts:

 

http://www.appbrain.com/app/mr-number/com.mrnumber.blocker

[Kaito]

I installed it. Does that really only block texts? Cause I don't want to shut him out completely and end up having him show up here unannounced cause he couldn't get through to me, or something.