He's abusive, I'm scared.

[betterdeal]

Um, gimme a moment and I'll install it on my phone and see what I can do...

[betterdeal]

Looks to me like it's both or nothing

 

However, this sounds promising:

 

http://www.intomobile.com/2008/05/27/verizon-reminds-its-users-theyre-in-control-when-it-comes-to-sms/

[Kaito]

It looked that way to me too, but I'll keep it on my phone just in case. Thanks And that vtext thing does look promising, I'll check that out.

[betterdeal]

Found another app that does block only SMS texts - is called Handcent SMS and it works for me! And it's quite a neat interface for texts as well

[Kaito]

omg awesome text interface lol, just like iPhone.

[Kaito]

Okay, I texted ex last night letting him know I had mail for him. He said he would be by soon to get his TV! Thank goodness! I'm not looking forward to seeing him, but if he's getting furniture then he may just have a place to stay. I told him I got his clothes together too, that he cold take them. He said thank you. Whew. He's probably in a better mood cause he's at the beach with some girls. He told me he would be last time we talked. One girl is that one he's talking to. I think its awesome if it keeps him off my back hahaha.

 

Also I may be seeing Leo again tonight. I hope so, and I can't waaaiiit. I'm such a little girl. I want to tell everyone about the way he smiles, cause it lights me up everytime I see it. He'll lay with his head in my lap while we watch shows, and I'll scratch his head, neck, back... and I love doing it. He will reach up and rub my legs, feet, etc. Anyway, sometimes he'll turn face up, close his eyes, and the corner of his lip will curl up so high... sometimes he makes a noise when he does it and it drives me nuts in the best way lol. Sometimes he'll then lean into my stomach, or reach up with his arms and grip my arm/shoulders and squeeze. When I see that smile, it makes me feel like I'm causing him to be so content... whether or not its actually me he's smiling about, I guess I'll never know. He could always just be happy about the show we're watching. But I really just don't think so... To know I'm causing that happiness is the best feeling.

 

The last time I left his place, as soon as I said I had to go he leaned over and gave me a really tight squeeze/hug. He hadn't done that before. He also had to get up and do stuff, so this time he followed me out to my car. And he said goodbye again, came really close and stopped near me... so I leaned up and kissed him. I'm not sure that's what he wanted but, I did so I did it anyway lol. It was the first time he came over for a kiss, too, if that's in fact what he was doing. Everyday we talk to each other... and not once has he ever made me feel scared, or made me feel like my opinion didn't matter. Its amazing how night and day it is to deal with someone who has real confidence and isn't out to get you all the time...

 

Last time my ex was here, he mentioned something like: He sounds real mature, you have sex but there's no commitment, some winner.

 

I think, a few weeks ago, the thought of that would have bothered me. But... well, it doesn't now. Maybe its naive but... well, it feels like there is a level of commitment there, even if it isn't labeled or given a name. Maybe that commitment is just of friendship, and maybe it won't get further than that. Maybe Leo doesn't like me more than friends, we just happen to be touchy and stuff. I don't know. I think its too soon to tell, honestly. I've been trying to figure out how I feel about it. I feel safe, happy, enjoying my time every step of the way. But do I feel like I want to date Leo? I'm not even sure I know what that feeling is anymore. Let's see how I feel... I respect Leo, I want him to be happy, I think alike him in many important ways for a couple to think, I find him very sexy and enjoy touching him and being touched by him, and I am valuing him as a friend more and more everyday. I enjoy all the time I spend with him and I always look forward to spending more, but the best part is... I function just fine on my own. With my ex, the beginning honeymoon phase was your typical abuse pattern beginning -- the fairytale love, wanting nothing but to be with each other and not being able to function outside of that. My mind was always on my ex when we first met. I was head over heals like a school child in love. This time around is such a profound difference, that I'm not even sure I recognize what I'm feeling. I grew up thinking that fairy-tale movie gush is how love is supposed to feel. I know that's wrong now, but still... feeling it differently is exciting and is going to take some getting used to. It makes it hard to recognize if I really feel like I do or can love Leo in the long term. I don't question that I could, I just don't know how to recognize it, now that its such a different feeling. I guess, the best way I could understand it is to compare it to how I feel about my co-workers, or my academy mates. That feeling that if anyone ever ****s with them I'd have their head on a pike lol. That feeling of deep respect (for most of them), that I always have their back and that trust that they always have mine (even if we're not on good terms at the moment, it doesn't matter -- they're my back up through and through). That sounds more like the kind of love mentioned in the bible, a kind of love I didn't believe in, because it had not been shown to me yet. Love without conditions. Clearly, there are always conditions but... "love" here means to be there for each other, even if you're upset now. It doesn't mean you have to be happy about everything they do. It means you DO respect them, not that you have to. It means you WILL help them, it doesn't mean you're forced to.

 

So do I feel that way with Leo? Hmm. Its too soon to tell. It took months to feel that way with even my Academy mates. I want to say "yes" but I know that this would be impossible, since this is a feeling developed slowly and demonstrated repeatedly over a length of time... that's the only way it can grow. I want to say I feel the same but I couldn't yet. I think I will feel that way, I think its happening, but that sort of love is too deep and cannot just "happen" like that puppy dog stuff in the movies.

 

One of my favorite movies is Leap Year with Amy Adams. (Spoiler lol) In it, she's trying to get her boyfriend to marry her by traveling to Ireland on Leap Year while he's there on business. Its a local tradition that a woman can ask a man to marry her on that day only. Well, during her travels, she meets a man who helps her out. They HATE each other, but they gain trust and respect in each other as they travel and realize in the end that the love they developed was deeper than anything else... that they wanted to be together because they respected each other and enjoyed their time together, even in times of being so frustrated with each other. Well, its a movie so its a little far fetched, but that's the point I'm getting at. That love developed over time with ties of respect and trust is probably the only right way to go about it. Goodness, its amazing to me how I didn't realize before how superficial and fragile that puppy love I had was... that feeling based on lies, no trust, no respect... well, I was truthful and felt trust and respect for my ex, but I never got that in return.

 

Anyway, I am much happier to be doing it this way this time around. I'm not saying I wouldn't be SO happy if Leo asked me to become "official" with him. But I am saying that any sort of love that could develop between us or anyone else takes time... that commitment isn't necessary in words... that its enough that we're still friends talking, hanging out, enjoying our time and developing a bond.... even if it doesn't go anywhere (but this would sadden me).

 

Okay enough of me carrying on lol

Edited May 21, 2011 by Kaito

[betterdeal]

Aw, bless! That hit a real tender spot when I read it. Affection is where it's at, baby!

 

I thought a few posts back that it was interesting that you said you weren't in a relationship with Leo yet. Of course, you have a relationship with him, just as you do with everyone. I do think the words we use are often more telling of how we see our relationship with the world than we give them credit for.

 

You're not defined by the relationship - the relationship is defined by you.

[Kaito]

I thought a few posts back that it was interesting that you said you weren't in a relationship with Leo yet. Of course, you have a relationship with him, just as you do with everyone. I do think the words we use are often more telling of how we see our relationship with the world than we give them credit for.

 

You're not defined by the relationship - the relationship is defined by you.

 

Hmm. I didn't think of it that way. That makes sense of course.

 

Well I spent last night with him. Lots of cuddling, rubbing, scratching, squeezing -- that smile I love of course. No kissing, no sex (doesn't bother me, although I always love kissing him lol). And when I left there wasn't anything to it. :-/ He just kind of said "See you later" and went about his business as I went to get into my truck. No worries though, as much as I'd have loved a kiss or something, we're still talking like normal and I know we plan to hangout again soon. Always next time

 

I know that I'd like this to become more serious... but I told myself I wouldn't even think about that until I'm completely separated from my ex (his stuff gone, etc.). That should take another week to get all the junk out and another few weeks after that to sell the truck in both our names... and then as far as the house is concerned, we'll see. I have to write a letter to the manager of the place we got the loan. I'm hoping if I explain the situation (primarily that my ex is unemployed) they'll just let me take his name off the loan. I know its no issue to get it off the deed, that'll be done soon.

 

When I put my ex's stuff into storage I'm gonna tell him I'm doing it so he doesn't have to travel so far to the house anymore just to get stuff. He should have a place within a month, I'd imagine. I want to be civil with him after, until I get his name off everything and then finally will be rid of him.

 

Actually... then I need to make sure all the bills in his name are going to him, cause I know he's a slacker and hasn't changed the address on anything yet. I think he's waiting until he has a more permanent place, but I know him and I KNOW he didn't change his address last time until I did it for him, or was there walking him through it. I guess I may have to end up doing that in the end as well. Psh.

[Kaito]

I'm trying to stand up for myself a little bit in the split up... I've been letting my ex take what he wants, even let him force the truck on me that I didn't want (but it has my name on it so I have to make sure its taken care of)... but I decided, since he wants to be a dick, I wasn't gonna let that happen anymore. I found proof that the money for the TV came out of my checking account, making it mine. I told him this, and said he could have the TV if he just let me have the chainsaw. He doesn't need it, afterall. He says he's cut down a few trees in the past 2 weeks for money, which sounds great.

 

I'm trying to stick to my guns but he says I'm "****ing him over". Its just one item for another, I hardly see how its ****ing him over. He's getting everything else he's ever bought. Actually, he let me keep a lot of his stuff that I told him I don't want, and he can have it all if I just get the chainsaw. But no dice. So now he's threatening to call a lawyer to see how valid our agreement is, and that maybe we'll sell the house. That's fine by me, I told him I spoke to a lawyer already and its valid. And if we sell the house, big deal. I'll find a place to stay out here even if it means no more livestock, garden, whatever. I've got at least one friend nearby who'll let me stay there. In fact, it'll be really nice to be totally free of him... and then I won't need the chainsaw lol. I could save a ton of money!! But, I'll admit, I'll be sad to see this place go. I do enjoy living here. Its bittersweet, but anything is worth it to be rid of him. This house is just wood and bricks. Its not my happiness.

 

If I had to do it over, I'd buy or rent some land and put a trailer down on it. A little place for little ol' me And lots of land for my animals! Bliss. I'm easy to please lol.

 

But yeah, needless to say ex pisses me off with his trying to hold **** over my head. So, now he gets to see what its like!

 

I've decided my goal is to be rid of him, and I don't care what it takes to get to that goal, even if it hurts along the way -- even if it means I lose everything. I'll never lose myself, just these possessions that chain me to him anyway!

[betterdeal]

You've changed. In ways I like!

 

Will I be seeing you on Judge Judy soon I wonder?

[Kaito]

Hahaha you just might!

 

And this change... I used to be more like this, when I first met my ex. I have changed so much while I was with him. In my personal life, I changed for the worse overall. In my professional life, being a police officer preserved my other self... the side of me I used to be. Independent, happy, driven, strong... While at home I became scared, confused, sad. When he comes around I still feel scared, but I try to be strong.

 

Leo is helping me remember that about myself. He enjoys a japanese cartoon I used to love soooo much (well I guess I still do lol) called One Piece. The main character is a guy I look up to immensely. He is strong, focused, and does anything it takes to reach his goal, even if that means death. I used to be like that. It didn't matter to me that my goals might have ended up getting me killed, or more realistically getting me hurt badly. I always put my everything into every endeavor, without fear. I'm feeling that strength returning now. It doesn't matter what happens around me as long as I persevere... and as long as I give it my all, it doesn't matter if I fade as well.

[Kaito]

Well, ex was mad that I "blackmailed" him, but he's agreeing to let me keep the chainsaw if I allow him to show me how to use it. That's fine, I wasn't gonna let him leave until I cut something down and could prove that it worked anyway. He said all I had to do was ask for it and he'd have given it to me. I'm not sure how true that is. I told him the last time we spoke we were on bad terms, I really didn't think he'd be in the mood to play nice.

 

But yeah... he called today saying nice things about me, being a nice guy. I still don't trust him. I hinted at him taking his stuff and he said he won't take it until his name's off the house. Hah. Okay. I'm not gonna push on it cause I know how he is, he'll flip a switch and suddenly be an ******* and piss me off. He'll find out when he gets a key in the mail.

 

But his name will be off the house ASAP anyway... waiting to hear back from the loan company.

 

Uhm.. went to Leo's last night, had a good time... going back tonight. He invited me back over as I was leaving lol. I seem to be welcome there whenever. We spent the morning thinking of movies to watch together.

 

I wish I knew how he felt about me. All I can tell is he enjoys spending time with me enough to keep wanting to do it. He doesn't seem to mind that I have spent the night everytime I go, either -- I often wonder if I'm getting on his nerves with that. He doesn't seem like the type of person who would let me come over or stay if he didn't want me to, though. I'm pretty sure he'd let me know if he didn't want me around. I've tried to be careful about not being too forward when I ask to come over.

 

My ex mentioned me changing. When I asked how so, he said the girl he met wouldn't have slept with someone who just wanted to be friends, that I would only sleep with someone who I thought it was serious and I could be with for the rest of my life. I told him he must misunderstand the situation. I said that Leo never said he just wanted to be friends, but that him and I simply never called ourselves a couple. Also, I said that I still wouldn't sleep with anyone I wasn't serious about. Leo and I may not be a "couple" but, as better deal has said, we still have a relationship no matter how you look at it... and I let him know that Leo has qualities I want in a person I do end up spending the rest of my life with. So, of course him and I aren't to that point yet, we couldn't be because (as I've stated previously) that sort of bond takes time to develop. I couldn't know if he's the "one" until the damn knot was tied lol, that's just how that works. You may think and hope but until the deed is done, nothing is definite. Leo and I both believe that marriage is once and forever. Both our parents have divorced and we're not interested in that at all. So... no, I wouldn't have slept with him if I didn't think that he could end up being the one I spend the rest of my days and nights with. He's different from anyone I've ever known. I didn't grow up in a town like this one, so there's nobody like him where I'm from. He's the type of guy I've dreamed of for a long time lol... interested in working the land, smart, interesting, loves to learn like I do... In this type of town (lots of farms out here), I know that type of person probably isn't quite as rare as where I'm from. But still, he has other traits that I love... very level headed, again as I mentioned he loves learning like I do. He doesn't like to spend his time getting wasted like most people our age. He's got ambition, desire, he's good with money... Gah. I talk about him too much to you guys, but I guess that's the point of this forum. I don't blab about him to anyone else, really. Sometimes to my mom lol.

 

I feel a little embarrassed around him sometimes. I'm a little overweight and he's very thin/fit. We both love to eat but his metabolism is the kind where he never puts weight on, and I'm just the opposite lol. I should watch what I eat and exercise more, but I don't always. Still, I'm not exactly a cow, I'm just not on his level and its a little embarrassing. The only guys I've been with were overweight too, which I never had a problem with in the slightest. Weight never really bothered me. Its a person's personality which makes them good or bad looking to me. And I'm not just saying that. I may think someone's cute, but until I get to know them I don't really think they're anything special looks-wise. And that cute person could become hideous the moment they open their mouth. That's a huge reason why I lost interest in my ex... he had such a foul attitude all the time, it didn't matter how fit or heavy he was. If he was nice I would have been totally content, but he wasn't.

 

Okay I'm just jabbering on now to put words to my own thoughts. Suffice it to say I can't wait until Ex is out of my life and I look forward to *hopefully* finding out that Leo wants to be something more serious...

[betterdeal]

You'll only know if he's the person you will spend the rest of your life with in about 60-70 years time. You both sound monogamous and have plenty of other interests. This is the basis of a good, meaningful, long lasting relationship. Let it grow.

[Kaito]

You'll only know if he's the person you will spend the rest of your life with in about 60-70 years time. You both sound monogamous and have plenty of other interests. This is the basis of a good, meaningful, long lasting relationship. Let it grow.

 

Lol... good point. I will

[blueskyday]

Um, you ARE on Leo's level, or should I say he's on YOUR level. Please feel worthy of good stuff happening to you. You deserve the best!

 

Next time your dumba** ex says something to make you feel bad about Leo, coolly say, "Aww, he's so into me. I've never known what a good normal relationship is until now..." *cue dreamy faraway look*

 

Really, you see he is trying to make you feel bad and inadequate, the usual soup du jour he serves up...Please don't tell him any more details he can use to bang you over the head with. Simply say "Things are great." and never say more...

 

I'm a bit worried, I must say, about the chain saw thing. Don't show him how to use it!!! ....Maybe it's innocent, but what if you have a "horrible accident" while showing him? I wouldn't put anything past him at this point. He's lost you. He knows it....Maybe I'm being paranoid, but why chance it all? Don't put yourself in danger...Tell him it's out of gas as you throw it in his truck...end of story. Or put it in with his stuff in storage. One of his buddies will know how to use it.

 

About his sister, don't sweat it. People show their loyalty to family. If you understand this, you can move on. He is her brother. You don't really want to stay friends with her anyway. She will pass info on to him, even if she doesn't mean to.

 

I'm also so proud of you! You are getting healthier and safer every day! Your choices are your own, and your mind is clearer. Protect that!

 

Remember when you said in your post how in the past you would go for anything no matter what the danger? I would say that you also did that with your ex. You kept going without seeing the danger, so it can be a good thing to know that is how you are...I'm the same, as well...It can be a good trait in a good situation, and a bad trait in a dangerous and unworkable one...

 

I always think now, am I working with good soil? Can I grow what I want in it? Why work so hard and refuse to give up when it really is sometimes impossible and futile, given the real facts? I've learned the wisdom to see the difference between possible and impossible...or maybe impossible with one person because of who they are, but possible with someone else...like Leo, because of who he is...stay real and honest with him, so you can stay connected to yourself and get what you need...

Edited May 23, 2011 by blueskyday

[betterdeal]

Yes, the chainsaw thing is a bit odd. If you're happy with him showing you how to use it, fine. Your call. But the presence of someone else, like your father or a colleague, may give you a sense of security and take temptation out of his way...

[Kaito]

Next time your dumba** ex says something to make you feel bad about Leo, coolly say, "Aww, he's so into me. I've never known what a good normal relationship is until now..." *cue dreamy faraway look*

 

LOL. We all know how much I love to stir the pot but holy jeebus that would take the cake hahaha.

 

 

 

I'm a bit worried, I must say, about the chain saw thing. Don't show him how to use it!!! ....Maybe it's innocent, but what if you have a "horrible accident" while showing him? I wouldn't put anything past him at this point. He's lost you. He knows it....Maybe I'm being paranoid, but why chance it all? Don't put yourself in danger...Tell him it's out of gas as you throw it in his truck...end of story. Or put it in with his stuff in storage. One of his buddies will know how to use it.

 

Actually, he has it right now, he's bringing it back so I can keep it. And he's showing me because right now I don't know how to use it. I told him that I can always look it up and teach myself but he's gotta have a hand in it, you know... act like I actually need him. But you're right it is risky... I'll be careful. I'll ask him to stand far away because he already knows I'm super cautious about that stuff as it is.

 

About his sister, don't sweat it. People show their loyalty to family. If you understand this, you can move on. He is her brother. You don't really want to stay friends with her anyway. She will pass info on to him, even if she doesn't mean to.

 

I'm also so proud of you! You are getting healthier and safer every day! Your choices are your own, and your mind is clearer. Protect that!

 

Remember when you said in your post how in the past you would go for anything no matter what the danger? I would say that you also did that with your ex. You kept going without seeing the danger, so it can be a good thing to know that is how you are...I'm the same, as well...It can be a good trait in a good situation, and a bad trait in a dangerous one...

 

I never thought about that -- that I was going on without seeing the danger. You're right. At first I felt safe with my ex. Its amazing how long it took me to see that I wasn't safe. I didn't even question that it might have been an abusive relationship until we were already moved in together in another state... at least a year. I still remember the first time I googled "verbally abusive relationship." I know now that it was more than that -- he was being physical with me for a long time, he just wasn't battering me so I didn't recognize it. Its astounding the complete 180 I've done in my feelings for him since I've recognized how this abuse thing really works -- how it f*cks with the girl's head. My ex keeps saying he's amazed at how quickly I moved on. I keep telling him its cause of how I am .. I never quit at a relationship until I've reached my exhaustion point and there's just no hope anymore. We might have broken up several times, but I hadn't reached that point yet so we got back together every time. Well... this time around, its more than that. Not only did I admit and welcome defeat, but I also had a profound change in thinking. I went from: he's a good person, he just needs help... I need to try harder. To: Maybe I'm being duped..? Maybe I'm still being abused and I don't even realize it? ... Goodness I better consider this... I did everything I could, everything that SHOULD have stopped his verbal barrage last fight we had, and it still didn't work... this is beyond my control... And, finally, to: He's an abusive person and I've been his victim. Its time to man up and get out.

 

It took maybe a day or two to go through that full cycle from the last fight we had until I was 100% certain that I was going to break up with him. It took a few more days to actually happen, after I had reached out to all the support I could. So by the time a week had gone by, we were over and done with and in my head, I had spent all that time "moving on". It took another half to full week to stop beating myself up over the whole thing, to stop feeling bad about it. Since then I haven't looked back, and things have only gotten better (even if my ex is still a pain to deal with).

 

I dunno. Its not hard to move on when already I was questioning if there were guys out there who treated girls better. I just always thought, "They're probably not nice at home too... as nice as they seem now. This is probably as good as it gets." But once I came to terms with the fact that I was in fact still being abused, I wasn't about to let my shame overtake me. Even if all the guys in the world were like that, it didn't matter... I can't degrade myself by staying in a situation like that. I always told myself I'd rather be alone than settle. I know a woman who stayed with the man who abused her and her children. He's better now, she says. I know him and he's a nice guy in front of me and others. They're an older couple. But..... something about that never settled with me. I decided I couldn't be like that. So it was an easy move once I finally admitted to myself that yes, I was in an abusive relationship and it hadn't gotten any better. I was still being abused and I couldn't forgive him for the past.

[Kaito]

Yes, the chainsaw thing is a bit odd. If you're happy with him showing you how to use it, fine. Your call. But the presence of someone else, like your father or a colleague, may give you a sense of security and take temptation out of his way...

 

Hmm maybe I'll ask Leo to supervise LOL. No uh... well I can't think of anyone around here to do that. Its already embarrassing to me that people know about it at all but... well you guys are right but I really think its just his way of showing me that I need him. I'll pack heat just in case... also the thing will be in my hands, not his. I'll make sure he doesn't get a chance to start it, and if he does I'll be far, far away. He gets mad when he gets the feeling I don't trust him but whatever. He can get mad all he wants if I'm enough paces away and have my gun on me.

[coffeeaddict]

It sounds like a contact thing, like when he insisted on chopping wood, appearing to be a good samaritan, and also like you speculated getting the message across, "you need me for this." I wouldn't worry about him going after you with a chainsaw, he wont regain your trust that way, more likely he'll be on his good behavior playing the gentleman. As far as his refusing to take his stuff until his name is off the house, that sounds like him hanging on to the lines of communication. His things being at your house is one more excuse to call/text/come over. If his intent was to move forward with his life, I would think he'd be eager to take possession of his belongings.

 

You've already become so much stronger since the 3 weeks or however long it's been since the start of the thread. You should really be so proud of yourself and all that you've achieved. In a lot of these abusive relationships the abuser creates a situation where they become the source of validation for the victim. And I think the fact that you're starting to become that self-assured person who validates herself, that person you were before you met your ex is a wonderful thing.

 

You mentioned being embarrassed of people knowing what happened. I wouldn't be embarrassed because the fact that this happened to you doesn't indicate that you're a weak person, it just indicates that you're Human. We all have aspects of our personalities and our natures that can be exploited, and unfortunately there are people out there who are expert in identifying and exploiting vulnerabilities. Trust, and the desire to believe in people is a positive trait, but a corrupt politician for example can exploit trust. Generosity is a positive attribute, it's a strength, but a conman can exploit a giving nature and turn it into a weakness. And of course the need to love and desire to be loved can cause us to do things that aren't in our best interests. But at the end of the day, it's those who exploit the good nature of others who should feel shame, not their victims.

 

About the sister, if his intent was to turn her against you, he could have told her anything. Either twisted the truth about the conditions of the break-up as you surmised, or he might simply have lied and told her you said something derogatory about her. Whatever the case, in these situations blood is often thicker than water and ultimately she's still going to be his sister no matter what happens.

[Kaito]

As far as his refusing to take his stuff until his name is off the house, that sounds like him hanging on to the lines of communication. His things being at your house is one more excuse to call/text/come over. If his intent was to move forward with his life, I would think he'd be eager to take possession of his belongings.

 

That's what I thought too. He keeps telling me that everyone else is telling him to get his stuff out, but his reasoning is "no, I trust her." Well... who cares if he trusts me, he keeps saying how he wants to move on and wants things out of his name so he CAN move on, but he won't take his stuff out of the house?? That's counter intuitive. Partly, he's using the house because he feels he has a right to it (he doesn't anymore, that's the whole point of our contract), and I think mostly because, as you say coffee, he wants to have a reason to contact me.

 

 

We all have aspects of our personalities and our natures that can be exploited, and unfortunately there are people out there who are expert in identifying and exploiting vulnerabilities. Trust, and the desire to believe in people is a positive trait, but a corrupt politician for example can exploit trust. Generosity is a positive attribute, it's a strength, but a conman can exploit a giving nature and turn it into a weakness. And of course the need to love and desire to be loved can cause us to do things that aren't in our best interests. But at the end of the day, it's those who exploit the good nature of others who should feel shame, not their victims.

 

 

Well said. I like that. Thank you, makes me feel not so bad about being the type of person who trusts, loves, respects so easily. I've been told I trust too easily, that its naive. Maybe it is, but that's how I am... and I think people should be like that more often, instead of being so damned guarded. Until someone gives me a reason to not trust them, I don't see why I should assume the worst. Granted, that doesn't mean I don't try to be smart about my safety, it just means I don't see the point in seeing the worst in everyone, or expecting them to all be bad.

 

And about his sister... yeah, he could have told her anything. But I think the reason why she thought it was a mutual split was because I told everyone "we're separating". I didn't say, "I broke up with him." I feel that's sort of ... well.. juvenile sounding. It sounds rude. It just doesn't represent the situation right, in my opinion. I may be the one delivering the final blow, but its not like he's just some guy I was dating who I now don't see anymore. It is truly a separation... something that is taking time, something that we both had a hand in bringing about -- him because of his mistreatment and me because I'd had enough of it. When he told me she thought it was mutual I was totally confused, cause its not like I even thought it was mutual. I knew he didn't want it to end. But a few days later I thought: oh... maybe its how I worded it to everyone. Its not like I said to her: Yeah we both wanted it this way. I said "We're separating." Which in no way says who started it, who wanted it, etc. It just is what it is. But who knows. She's like 19 so I guess something like that held a lot of importance to her. Its funny to me that we could have a somewhat intimate conversation about the mistreatment her brother has given me, her, his son, etc.... but then maybe a week later she thinks: What?! She told me it was mutual but it wasn't!? F- her! Who knows, I'm sure there was more said. He wasn't very forthcoming about it. He mostly just wanted to talk about how miserable he was, I just sort of snuck it into the conversation. I'm not that upset about it anymore, its just sad to me how people are... especially when she so clearly saw how he was, for even longer than I have. He's been a complete ass to her, even calls her names when she's not around... genuinely just never cared for her until he felt he was getting something in return from her (when she started supporting him emotionally he finally started talking nicely to her... which is sweet of her to do for him considering he's been an ass to her for her entire life).

 

Also, he keeps telling me what "everyone" thinks of me and what I'm doing. That I used him, or this or that. I'm not sure who "Everyone" is, but I know who he's hanging out with. Its a guy who spends 99% of his time getting drunk or high with girls 5 or 6 years his junior (he's 25 or 26, so... almost HS girls because they're the only ones stupid enough to fall for him). He talks bad about everyone and I'm sure all his friends are no different (well, at least one of his friend's was a cool, nice guy, but... it doesn't really matter now). So, I guess that's who's telling him these things because that's who he is hanging out with... a guy who is probably about as bad as he is abuse-wise. I doubt he's getting that from the smarter, more level headed brother or the mother/father of this friend (whom he is staying with) -- all of them are people I've been friends with since I met my ex. If they had any sense they'd know better and remember how much I loved him and tried to make it work... remember all the times he belittled me in front of them, scared me, hurt me. They constantly sat down with us and talked to Kevin about being a nicer person. So, for them to change gears so suddenly and think I used him blows my mind... its probably just the kids he hangs around with.

 

Sadly, I know that's how it looks... and quite frankly, I don't care. I've already said I don't care if I have to end up selling this house and everything else... it doesn't matter, I just want to be rid of him. The only reasons I kept it are because 1) he lost his job and can't afford it and 2) it was my dream house anyway, not his, so why would he bother taking it when he has so many other bills already? He has all his toys, he's not done playing with them... he claims I ruined his dream, but he's got to be kidding me. His dream was to have a garage, a nice one. There is none here. He always held that over my head when we fought and the house came up. His dream is to live closer to work, with less land, and a big garage with lots of toys he can work on. And that's fine, he can have that dream, it was just never my dream. I want land, little living space (this house is actually probably too big now, but I do love it anyway -- it'll be perfect when I have kids)... and I don't need a garage, I don't work on my stuff anyway -- no clue how. I never wanted all the expensive toys -- the jet ski, new vehicles, ATV, etc. I can't wait until the truck is sold. :\

 

I'll keep you guys updated about what happens when he comes over on Thursday. I haven't heard back from the loan company yet about getting his name off everything. I'll make that my concern after the truck is gone, so I can actually afford the increase in payments.

[Kaito]

Well, I got my chainsaw back with no problem. Ex showed me how to use it and it was kind of fun.

 

He was also very nice, open, wanting to talk, etc. We did a bit before he left. I tried to get him to take his other stuff but he asked to keep them here for 3 more months so he could get a place to put them... I told him I'd consider. He was being awful nice and I felt bad to go behind his back and put the stuff in storage. I explained to him that I was not comfortable with the stuff here because I may want to bring people over, and he said "well they'd be coming into my house..." That pisses me off because, no, now its MY house. His name may be on it but that's temporary, and I'm going to be spending a lot of money to get it taken off most likely. He says he doesn't want to spend "unnecessary money" to put his stuff in storage. That pisses me off too because I'm spending a lot of unnecessary money due to this breakup, which even he agrees was caused by him being a total prick. Then again I'm also saving money more than I ever would have before lol.

 

So... now that he's gone, I still want all his stuff out of here. When he's here its hard for me to push it. He's being nice but I'm also scared he's gonna start a fight. Oh, he did express wanting to move on and not talk to me much after today... but he just texted me saying he "lost his best friend" lol. Also while he was here he expressed wanting to remain friends. I don't get him at all. I'm not sure I want to be friends with him. He's no friend of mine.

 

So yeah, I'm feeling bad about the decision to put his stuff in storage. He's got that effect on me still I guess, able to make me feel bad. But I still want to do it. I told him I'd consider keeping the stuff here, out of sight but.. I don't know.

 

Oh, he also said I could keep both beds we had. I'm not sure why he's changing his mind now. See, what I'm worried about, is if I keep his stuff here he will eventually come back in a few months, moved on and stuff, demanding things that we otherwise agreed I could keep. That's another reason I want it all separated now. I don't want to use anything that is "his". So, I guess I'm keeping the bed... Hmm. Not sure how I feel about that but hey, a bed is a bed and its free.. and I need it.

 

Its almost funny how he doesn't want to spend "unnecessary money" on putting his stuff in storage... stuff that should be removed because we're splitting... but while we were together he'd spend unnecessary money left and right on whatever he pleased! Unbelievable.

 

In other news, I hung out with Leo for the 5th night in a row last night. Whew. Not sure if I am invited back tonight. He mentioned watching some other movies but didn't exactly mention me going there tonight. He's at class right now and will be until 10pm most likely so not sure he'll be in the mood. We had an excellent night last night though

[betterdeal]

Good, good. You and Leo are having a good time, and as for your ex, you didn't have to pop a cap in his ass!

 

Tricky on the storage thing. My opinion is get it done. Maybe give him a few days notice saying you can have it shipped to his place or put into a storage facility of his choice. Having him come back willy nilly is going to be a pain. The cost is his problem, not yours. As is losing his best friend. At least he's now aware of the cost to him of being nasty to the people he cares about.

[Kaito]

Good, good. You and Leo are having a good time, and as for your ex, you didn't have to pop a cap in his ass!

 

Tricky on the storage thing. My opinion is get it done. Maybe give him a few days notice saying you can have it shipped to his place or put into a storage facility of his choice. Having him come back willy nilly is going to be a pain. The cost is his problem, not yours. As is losing his best friend. At least he's now aware of the cost to him of being nasty to the people he cares about.

 

Well.. thing is he doesn't have a place. He's living for free at a friends and already expressed to me that he's not interested in wasting money right now to find a new place. He said "three months"... no way in hell I'm waiting three months.

 

My intuition is to still get rid of it. I did mention to him today my "idea" of putting it in storage. Like I said he was against paying "unnecessary money". He says he won't come back without giving me a few days notice, which he has been doing. Still... we are splitting up. There's no reason to delay that until the names thing has been taken care of, or until he's "ready". I already told him he's ready -- he has no choice, its over and he needs to get out, and that includes his stuff. I gave him the option to take it, he said he didn't want to. Well, I want it gone, and my decision matters too... if not more, since I have to live with this stuff! My house is not his personal storage facility. It is MY HOUSE, the one he forfeited when he decided to be a dick to me.

 

Sorry, getting more and more mad as I think about how I was actually starting to feel bad. He's good at acting nice, seemingly getting better, saying how he's gonna go to counseling. But even so, he wants to go to anger management counseling when he gets a job. I told him he needs to go to abuse counseling, but he seems to ignore me. Whatever. I'm about to go clean up some more stuff for a little while. Its been hot as hell here and I'm not running AC in order to save money... too hot to work most of the day.

 

Its funny to me that I actually thought I needed to give him a reason for his stuff to be gone. He acted like I needed a good reason or else he had every right to keep it here. What the hell thinking is that!? We're broken up. The only reason we are still talking is because his stuff is still here and we need to talk to set up times he can come to get it, even if it isn't often. The only OTHER reason we talk is because he drunk texts me half the time like an idiot.

 

As far as separating the stuff in each other's name, that will be the final reason to talk to him -- to get together and sign papers.

 

Oh, another thing. He tried making me promise to have someone around when I use the chainsaw, because he's worried for me. Its my decision what I want to do, whether or not I want to use it alone, and guess what since I live alone that's probably what is going to happen! I'm perfectly capable to do these things on my own. If I get hurt, so be it.

[coffeeaddict]

Oh, he did express wanting to move on and not talk to me much after today... but he just texted me saying he "lost his best friend" lol. Also while he was here he expressed wanting to remain friends. I don't get him at all.

 

Its almost funny how he doesn't want to spend "unnecessary money" on putting his stuff in storage... stuff that should be removed because we're splitting... but while we were together he'd spend unnecessary money left and right on whatever he pleased! Unbelievable.

 

Ahh good, you're becoming as adept at spotting the contradictions as we are, lol.

 

He's pushing your boundary lines, basically. You're eager to get him out of your life but he wants to be your friend. You want his things out, he wants them to stay. You want to learn how to use a saw yourself, he insists on teaching you. You want to invite people over, you can't because it's "his house." And of course there's him exploding at you when you revealed you slept with someone else, and only backing off when you threaten to call the cops. He's pushing your boundaries and he'll push them as far as you let him, but you know that. And the ultimate intention of pushing your boundaries isn't to be your friend. Getting his things out is a good way of setting down boundary lines. So that's my opinion.

 

As far as being nice, being a gentleman, take it all with a grain of salt (a barrel of salt). Trying to forbid you from using a saw because he's concerned about you. Hmm, a psychological and physical abuser concerned for the welfare of his victim, how touching (not). You're a big girl, you don't need an abusive ex boyfriend to tell you whether you can use a saw or not.

[Kaito]

I had thought that he was trying to push boundaries, even if he doesn't realize it. I don't know why he doesn't see that as weird that his stuff is here. Also, his friends are telling him to take it out apparently, so I don't know what the big deal is.

 

Anyway, my mom is coming this weekend to help me go through it all and put it in storage. I hope the storage places are open, what with it being a holiday weekend and all. If I don't go to Leo's tonight I'll continue working on unpacking stuff. Actually... its mostly all done. I just have to go through the living room (doesn't have much in it) and kitchen (mostly my stuff anyway). He was here and took the main stuff from the entertainment room... his tv and most game systems. He took the surround sound system he previously said I could have, but he's letting me keep an old one. I don't care either way, but he left the cords.. I wish he would have taken them so they didn't look so ugly, but I guess it makes setting up the other system easier...

 

ooh Leo called !! ^_^