He's abusive, I'm scared.

[Kaito]

I just hid the weapons... didn't know about checking them with my dept. I doubt he'll be able to find them, he's notorious for losing stuff right under his nose. If its not in plain sight, its like its not there to him.

 

The problem with a protective order is that I'm probably going to need to be in some sort of contact with him in order to sort out the financial stuff. If not in contact with him, then definitely with accounts that hold his name as well. I need to close our joint bank account, transfer my name off our insurance and onto my own, etc etc. I'm pretty sure that counts as a violation.

 

Of course, financially this is a mess. I am starting to wonder if he isn't always wanting more more more in order to keep us in just enough financial trouble to make leaving next to impossible. I'm not worried about his financial mess... Just mine. My bills include the house and the truck, both of which are in both our names. I cannot afford both on my own... he certainly cannot either. What becomes of this stuff if I leave? I assume it will ruin my credit when the payments stop coming. Its my obligation to pay for things with my name on it but I'm not going to pay for a truck I won't use and a house I can't live in.

 

My name is also on the internet we have here, and I'm pretty sure that's a contact I can't get out of too easily. Of course I can take the internet card with me and just change that address... no biggy there.

 

Oh.. all the bills for the house are in my name because I set them up/ take care of them. The electric, the propane, etc.

 

Poorguy -- is it in fact a violation of a protective order if the only contact with him is just that which I have with accounts we share in order to complete the separation? I suppose I could ask the court to add that in the order, allowing me to do that. I want him out. It makes more sense for him to leave and start over than for me to leave. Its easier for both of us financially. Also, he has nothing tying him down here... no job, no family, just his friends... who are actually a better family than the one he has. His son is in another state, he could always move back home and be with him.

 

Of course its not really practical for me to set up his departure... if he's not willing to leave then I'm S.O.L. And I know he won't be willing to leave. I guess I could try his tricks back on him. He threatens to sell the house... fine, sell it. Go ahead. I can say I'm going to leave and that I'm cancelling all the bills, he can set them up in his own name -- good luck paying them. He can have his dream, I just won't be a part of it.

 

Dad just asked me to call... I haven't told him about this yet.

 

Edit to add: My dad is supportive of course. He offered to help me pay for an attorney. Also, I just texted a co-worker to ask if he could take my puppy temporarily if I needed to move out in a rush and couldn't take him where I went. It was really hard to bring this up to someone I work with, and I'm shaking... its becoming more real with every step I take.

Edited April 27, 2011 by Kaito

[betterdeal]

Practice deep breathing exercises when you feel like it. It can help you to calm down.

 

And tell your colleagues and dad. The more people who are aware of what you are doing, the better. You're leaving the house and the relationship because it is abusive, you feel scared for your own, the dog's, and his, safety, and you want to be free from abuse.

[Kaito]

I just spoke to my ex on the phone. He agreed to give me the house under a few conditions. Most of the conditions are things I wanted anyway.

 

1)I keep the house.

2) I keep his dog as well.

3) I keep one of the vehicles, since he cannot afford both on his own.

4) His name comes off the house within 5 years.

5) His name comes off whichever vehicle I take within 1 year.

and... the only part I am not fond of: 6) He stays here for 30 days to sort things out.

 

I am not happy about him being here, however I recognize the need for him to pack up and prepare to leave. He says he will probably go home, to the state his family lives in. His son is there too. I hope he gets help and takes good care of him from now on, but I'm not hopeful.

 

30 days also gives me time to clean up and prepare for a roommate or two.

 

Anyway, I understand that this 30 day thing is most likely a ploy to get me to change my mind. I'll keep posting here regularly to keep my mind straight. I'll also try and stay out of the house if need be.

 

That makes his move-out date 05/31. His birthday is 05/28. He mentioned how I always seem to break it off with him around his birthday... last year I also broke it off at that time but ended up flying out to him at his mom's place and getting back together with him. Not this time. He can go make all the mistakes he wants with someone else.

 

I am very happy about this... I am going to get it all in writing with both our signatures. As long as I keep the house, everything else can be worked out easily enough.

 

Oh, and my co-worker knows now. He advised me to tell my supervisor. He told me not to be embarrassed, that this thing has happened enough times in the department before. He mentioned guys who have been arrested for dom. violence and yet still work there... and that I'm on the other end so I have nothing to worry about.

[Irishlove]

I know in our town if it is known you are married to an abuser you could lose your job unless you divorce. As you know divorce is a silent killer because people like you are scared. This cycle doesn't stop. He will eventually do it to your children. You don't want to hear the 'get out' because you KNOW that's what needs to be done.

Since you have been in it three years I recommend counseling because you are programmed to that behavior. At this point if you were to go into a healthy relationship you wouldn't know how to act, you would want to cause an arguement or some sort of excitement.

This is a disease. He WILL take you down. Even if you tell him it's for your job you need to get therapy and I know your job offers it.

 

I just saw your post and I'm happy to hear you are out and safe. He wants you to tell because he knows that if you tell your supervisor and you go back to him you can lose your job. He's setting you up.

 

You ARE better alone! Kudos!!

[Kaito]

I know in our town if it is known you are married to an abuser you could lose your job unless you divorce. As you know divorce is a silent killer because people like you are scared. This cycle doesn't stop. He will eventually do it to your children. You don't want to hear the 'get out' because you KNOW that's what needs to be done.

Since you have been in it three years I recommend counseling because you are programmed to that behavior. At this point if you were to go into a healthy relationship you wouldn't know how to act, you would want to cause an arguement or some sort of excitement.

This is a disease. He WILL take you down. Even if you tell him it's for your job you need to get therapy and I know your job offers it.

 

I just saw your post and I'm happy to hear you are out and safe. He wants you to tell because he knows that if you tell your supervisor and you go back to him you can lose your job. He's setting you up.

 

You ARE better alone! Kudos!!

 

Thanks I totally agree about getting counselling... I need it and plan on it. I used to see a counselor when I lived with my dad. She helped me through a long term relationship breakup last time around and I felt wonderful. My mother offered to pay for visits to see her when I come visit. It would only be a few but I think its helpful to go back to the same person for a checkup. Obviously my work wouldn't cover that... but yes, I will see about what I can get through my work that is more consistent and local. Counseling helps me immensely, talking through my problems and realizing I know the right course of action is very empowering... kind of like I'm doing with this thread lol.

 

 

My ex and I agreed to talk with my dad as a mediator to fine tune the arrangements for the separation. That way there is someone he respects present and he can't subject me to his methods so easily. I plan to do this on Monday, if my father is available. We will primarily be discussing who gets which vehicle, and what to do about the payments. It looks like one of them may be sold at a loss... just to get this over and done with. My father is awesome and is offering a lot of help.

 

On a totally random note I think my new puppy just farted and it is AWFUL!!! lol... gotta enjoy the little things ><;!

[betterdeal]

aw, bless the little tike!

[Kaito]

Lol. Its so cute. My 85 lb german shepherd is lying on his back and letting this little pup "beat him up." He loves having a friend.

 

I just spoke to my ex. He had good news... he found a potential buyer for the extra vehicle he has. This car does not run right now but is worth a bit. Well... I shouldn't say that. It does run, its transmission just isn't installed.. once its all set up it (and gets new tires) it should run just fine. I guess its kinda rare, its a sports car... so he'll have some money coming to him soon.

 

Also, he told me that he is relieved about the separation. He feels good. He also plans to move in with our friends (his "second family") .. I am so happy about this because they are very helpful, loving people, and the male half has a history of abuse that he has seemingly overcome. I'm hoping he can help my ex work through his anger and all his problems, and at least convince him to seek professional help. He has, in the past, told my ex he needs to stop treating people so poorly, because he will regret it the rest of his life. He speaks from experience.

 

I do wish I can still talk to these people, I love them so so so so much. The thought of not being able to talk to them is perhaps the hardest part of all of this. My ex doesn't see why I can't hang out with him/them. He doesn't see a problem in us remaining friends. I know you'll all say: no! That's bad! ... but I don't see the problem in it either, as long as he keeps his distance and doesn't try to get me back. These family friends live an hour to an hour and 20 min. away, so he won't be close. Anyway... he says he doesn't see why we couldn't hang out like we used to at their beach house, as long as we both stay single and thus it wouldn't be weird. If we got new partners obviously that changes things, but I don't think either of us plan on that anytime soon.

 

I talked to him about getting counseling but I don't think he realized he needed it. I mentioned I was going to go and he didn't seem to understand why. When I said to help me through the break up and to help me get my emotions in order, he did acknowledge that it helped me with my last breakup.

 

He says he wants to stay in the area. I don't blame him, I love it here too. I think it is also healthier for him to stay here. The family he will most likely be staying with can help him out a lot.

 

He says he wants to improve himself before he dates again. I sure hope he does. He mentioned losing weight, going to school, getting a steady and good job again. He did not mention working on his temper... I hope he realizes he needs to, but I'm not going to worry about it anymore. His problem, not mine.

 

He said he is relieved because he has been stressed about our relationship. He thought he would be sadder but he is not. I hope this feeling remains as we work through this the next few weeks...

 

I am relieved too. I know there will be a lot of crying, but the thought of moving on and not worrying "what if?" will be so wonderful. Being able to focus on me... on my business venture (a lot of police have second jobs of some kind, usually a business they start up on their own. Mine will be a grass-fed farm, something I grew up with back on my family's farm)... on my current job... its very exciting.

 

My goal is to either get to K9 or detective work. A lot of officers tell me to pick something I love to do and latch onto it... do it as best as I can. I thought I'd like traffic... and don't get me wrong, I love the thrill of catching someone doing something they shouldn't... but it just doesn't quite do it for me. I love investigative work. I LOVE interviewing, and I so so so badly want the opportunity to really interrogate someone. I love processing crime scenes. I love helping those victims to find closure.

 

... and for some reason, I also LOVE finding things. When a lookout comes out on the radio for a person or a car, I do my best to hunt them down. I LOVE it, kind of like the thrill of the chase. I have found people before which lead to their arrest, and it was GREAT. I also LOVE searching vehicles, which is what k9 primarily does. I haven't really found anything too exciting in a car yet.. no secret compartments, just the normal stuff like drugs in normal places, like between seats and in center consoles. But I keep digging and searching as thoroughly as I can to finally find something exciting!

 

On the contrary, I hate drug work... which is what K9 and searching cars is all about. At least, for us it is. Our dogs are narcotics and bite trained. I don't think any are bomb trained.. that's just the fire marshal's dog. If I was K9 I'd want to be trained for man-tracking, and probably narcotics too because although I don't love narcotics, if I'm the k9 officer I don't have to do all the paperwork!!! Lol. I think I'm going to try and train my new puppy for man tracking at least. I don't think that can ever lead to working with him on the street, but I think it shows dedication and will lead to an understanding of the work. Plus, its fun for the dog and I believe a good skill to know. He's part pointer, which is a hunting dog anyway so he should enjoy it immensely.

 

Sorry, went off on a tangent there... just trying to hype up about focusing on ME.

[betterdeal]

That all sounds great to me! Your ex being relieved is great news. His talk about the future sounds well meant. Just deal with each day as it comes. Remembering what is yours and what is his, and keeping the bigger picture in mind (such as your job, friends, home, dog) is the way forward.

 

Good work, detective!

 

Oh, and I thought about this song when thinking about your post:

 

[blueskyday]

It's wonderful that you are thinking about yourself and what YOU want and need! Doesn't that feel good to you after so many years of obliterating your needs?

 

I've been through two long term abusive relationships. The one thing these abusive guys won't give you is validation. You are getting it here with everyone's supportive and wise advice.

 

I only want to add that you need to be very careful now. As you may know, abuse and violence escalates rapidly when a woman leaves. This is a dangerous time for you. Be aware. Don't trust his nice moods. Kill all hope that you have he is a nice guy. Don't fix any problems for him. Let him clean up his own mess here.

 

My ex tried to strangle me to death one year after I left him when he realized I was never coming back....I don't want to scare you, only warn you about possible dangers of abuse escalation....

 

He will turn mean again when he doesn't get his way about something. He may flip out when he realizes he can't control you anymore. It's possible that he could say all these things about breaking up but still hold out hope that you will take him back....

 

Be aware. Be careful. Don't meet him alone. Don't talk for hours about your relationship. Keep conversations about the business at hand. Say "I understand, but let's talk now about how to divide up things."

 

Really, I am happy for you...just a bit cautiously optomistic, as I think you should be.

 

It's like in sports. Keep your eye on the ball. Keep your eye on yourself...you come first, not him. If you feel sorry for him in any way, you run the danger of putting him first and putting yourself in danger.

 

Your mantra should be "I will only do things that make me feel safe and peaceful."

Edited April 27, 2011 by blueskyday
typo

[Kaito]

 

My ex tried to strangle me to death one year after I left him when he realized I was never coming back....I don't want to scare you, only warn you about possible dangers of abuse escalation....

 

Thank you for the warning. My gun is never far from me. Granted, I know that this also gives him access to a weapon, but thankfully I'm a better shot than he is! Okay no... all joking aside... thank you. I plan on changing the locks... but yeah if/when I do hang out with him again after the fact, I'll make sure its in the presence of third parties.

 

I have been trying to keep our conversations focused on business. Thankfully he is following that lead. I am expecting him to get angry again. I would be VERY surprised if he didn't have a lot of outbursts in the next 3-4 weeks. I will have my mother here the final week he is scheduled to leave. In the meantime I will try to stay busy. He will be home alone, as he is out of work. I'll stay focused and try to keep him on track as well. A lot of sorting out needs to be done.

 

If I can get my father here in the next 3-4 weeks at any point in time, I will. Unfortunately my parents can only stay for the weekend, which isn't a lot of time... but better than nothing. My ex is always on his best behavior with my folks around. He's better when my dad's here, but still mostly good with my mom.

 

Only 30 more days of this, then I can really start to be free... Thirty days to learn how to focus on me, and get my life in order. I truly hope he stays as optimistic as he is now. I'm praying for it, and I'm not the type of person who prays at all...

 

 

Betterdeal, I've never even heard that song before lol. Maybe I'm too young :x What is that? 90s stuff? I was still listening to Disney soundtracks in the 90s lol. I'm 25.

[poorguy]

This sounds good and more about you. Thats how it has to be. Lean on people for support and get to know within your dept. People in LE are experts with this type of thing. Half the time they dont even realize they are because they get so used to seeing it. Of course you can use LS too!!!!

 

On.a sidenote I have to say that in general the people on LS are among the most levelheaded people in general. I deal with choas every single day almos so I know. Sure, a lot of pwople on here are hurt/confused/ but to watch everyone come here a wreck and then over time learn more about why they feel the way they do and improve is amazing. It teuly shows how wonderful all of you are as people. Most of your exes have to bw missing out!!!!!

 

Hey rookie....piece of advice....Get really good at traffic tickets!!!!! Dont give them to people with bonafide legitamate reasons...and you can tell!!!!!...Thats all you should be doing to start anyway lol. Observe who and what you have to call for backup and what they do and are doing when they take over. In a few years youll know for sure what you want your career within your career within your career to be

[blueskyday]

You are smart, Kaito!

 

Will you be living with him for the next 30 days?

[Kaito]

 

Hey rookie....piece of advice....Get really good at traffic tickets!!!!! Dont give them to people with bonafide legitamate reasons...and you can tell!!!!!...Thats all you should be doing to start anyway lol. Observe who and what you have to call for backup and what they do and are doing when they take over. In a few years youll know for sure what you want your career within your career within your career to be

 

Lol I hate traffic tickets. I'm using E-tix now, trying to get through my 50 warnings But as for calling back-up... our city is small, 7 square miles with a minimum of 7 cars patrolling. We each have a post partner who is almost always there to back us up, and if its not them then someone else makes themselves available. Its awesome because if I am unsure, I can defer to them and learn from what they do. I am constantly watching them, asking questions, trying to get a better idea of what to do. I love it because I feel myself growing and becoming more confident in my job... and everyday I feel more confident is a day I enjoy it more and more.

 

blueskyday -- yes I will be living with him in these 30 days. We will be in separate rooms, of course. I don't like it but I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation. I plan on being busy on days I'm home with him -- working outside if he is inside, cleaning the house if he is working outside... etc. MAybe even taking lots of trips out of the house... although I hardly have the gas money for that. Maybe even applying for more overtime at work, if I can still get in on it for May. It is in no way ideal, and I know that... I know it could potentially be dangerous... I am trying to get friends and family to visit me on the days I'm not working, so someone is around.

[betterdeal]

Betterdeal, I've never even heard that song before lol. Maybe I'm too young :x What is that? 90s stuff? I was still listening to Disney soundtracks in the 90s lol. I'm 25.

 

Yep, it's an oldie. I'm 37 so I was about your age when it came out.

[Kaito]

Yep, it's an oldie. I'm 37 so I was about your age when it came out.

 

oh boy lol. I was 13. Hmm. I should remember that but I was pretty socially shut in at that age so its not surprising.

 

Oh.. poorguy... Speaking of an awesome day/building confidence.. last week I was asked by an undercover unit to do a felony car stop. I was so psyched, I LOVE doing those... which is weird but whatever. I should say, I loved training for them. I only assisted in one ever on the street, but it was great. It went smoothly. In the event it doesn't go smoothly, I am CONSTANTLY preparing myself to shoot. All day I run through my head situations that could go bad, how I would react, repositioning myself if I feel I'm in a bad spot, etc. Anyway, I was ready to do this stop but was advised to wait for backup, since a good felony car stop requires at least 3 units, plus two more to block civilian traffic. I had it all planned out... my backup would come up next to me, we'd position like we were trained to, I'd verbally draw the people out of the car, and other backup that came in would block traffic for us. I had never been so clear headed in a high stress situation. Well...... the older boys in the department don't quite have that style. They're all runnin' and gunnin'... so they fly up on my outside, lights and siren, and pull in front of the car, cutting it off. I parallel them as they pass me and turn my lights on, pulling up behind and angling my car a bit so I've got the engine block protecting me if the driver jumps out with a gun. I see my backup JUMP from the car and run to the passenger side... so I think: hey, so much for a felony car stop! And I run up and pull the driver out. We did all this in the neighboring jurisdiction, who showed up just a tad too late. Anyway, one of their officers (a Cpl.) shook my hand and told me I did great lol. I guess it looked impressive for a 5 foot white gal to yank a big black dude out of a car. It wasn't that impressive, he was completely cooperative lol. I love these guys cause I went to their academy. Anyway, that was a big boost on my confidence. And better yet, after that I got a call about a unit out with a guy who might have a gun, and even though I was outside jurisdiction I was still the closest... so I go lights and siren through a busy street I am very unfamiliar with and get to him first. Sadly I was short one pair of handcuffs now (was on the driver at the car stop), and we needed them, but thankfully my Cpl showed up and let us borrow his. Thankfully, either he didn't have a weapon or else things turned out just fine anyway... I never got the full story cause the suspect (for theft) was carted away and we got BUSY after that. Fun fun!!!!

[poorguy]

oh boy lol. I was 13. Hmm. I should remember that but I was pretty socially shut in at that age so its not surprising.

 

Oh.. poorguy... Speaking of an awesome day/building confidence.. last week I was asked by an undercover unit to do a felony car stop. I was so psyched, I LOVE doing those... which is weird but whatever. I should say, I loved training for them. I only assisted in one ever on the street, but it was great. It went smoothly. In the event it doesn't go smoothly, I am CONSTANTLY preparing myself to shoot. All day I run through my head situations that could go bad, how I would react, repositioning myself if I feel I'm in a bad spot, etc. Anyway, I was ready to do this stop but was advised to wait for backup, since a good felony car stop requires at least 3 units, plus two more to block civilian traffic. I had it all planned out... my backup would come up next to me, we'd position like we were trained to, I'd verbally draw the people out of the car, and other backup that came in would block traffic for us. I had never been so clear headed in a high stress situation. Well...... the older boys in the department don't quite have that style. They're all runnin' and gunnin'... so they fly up on my outside, lights and siren, and pull in front of the car, cutting it off. I parallel them as they pass me and turn my lights on, pulling up behind and angling my car a bit so I've got the engine block protecting me if the driver jumps out with a gun. I see my backup JUMP from the car and run to the passenger side... so I think: hey, so much for a felony car stop! And I run up and pull the driver out. We did all this in the neighboring jurisdiction, who showed up just a tad too late. Anyway, one of their officers (a Cpl.) shook my hand and told me I did great lol. I guess it looked impressive for a 5 foot white gal to yank a big black dude out of a car. It wasn't that impressive, he was completely cooperative lol. I love these guys cause I went to their academy. Anyway, that was a big boost on my confidence. And better yet, after that I got a call about a unit out with a guy who might have a gun, and even though I was outside jurisdiction I was still the closest... so I go lights and siren through a busy street I am very unfamiliar with and get to him first. Sadly I was short one pair of handcuffs now (was on the driver at the car stop), and we needed them, but thankfully my Cpl showed up and let us borrow his. Thankfully, either he didn't have a weapon or else things turned out just fine anyway... I never got the full story cause the suspect (for theft) was carted away and we got BUSY after that. Fun fun!!!!

 

Good job!!!! That's what it's all about!!!! Gun call though make sure you get out with you weapon. The first day on the job...literally the first day I and my field training officer responded to a firearm call. We both jumped out of the unit, I didnt have my weapon drawn....didnt know it happened so fast. Well let me tell you, the perp had his gun right on me!!!! I had never been looking down the barell of a gun in my life until that day and it was as if time frozed when it happened...i remember every single detail of the seconds.....It.wasnt a stop but rather a call but whatever....ok no more LE talk until you can pm.... How long does that take I cant recall?

[Kaito]

The thought of looking down a gun terrifies me... wow.

 

And I have no clue how long until PM works. I wish it would already. Is it a certain number of posts? Because I've been on this forum since 08 lol.

[Kaito]

Ugh. He is texting me now, saying how the hurt is setting in. How he wished he had a warning. I told him we have broken up many times... the first time was his warning.

 

I'm starting to have pangs of sadness myself. But I know I will be sad, for the loss of the relationship -- no matter how bad it was I am still losing something.

 

It is reassuring to think about being single and not having to worry about anyone else. The thought of dating another guy is actually nauseating right now. Not because I want to be with my ex, but simply because I don't want to risk getting into THIS again.

 

My goal is to at least spend 6 months alone for getting my life squared away, getting to some point of normalcy. I would also like to get into counseling in that time. In 6 months it will be November, time for me to be breeding my nanny goats... which opens a whole new set of adventures, so hopefully I'll be too preoccupied to be lonely during the upcoming winter. I'll have to stockpile books! Or spend my spare time taking trips to my parent's place and moving all my old stuff into my home (I've got about 4 bookshelves worth of books to bring here!).

 

Trying not to think about him at all, so those feelings of pain don't come back. I know this feeling, how it felt all the other times I tried to leave. I'm not going to let it consume me. I'm a stronger person now. I have my job to thank for that. I have to ignore how I feel and focus on what is right logically. I can pay attention to my feelings again once I am better and he is out of my life.

 

Edit to add: I know at some point I will need to grieve. I'm afraid that if I grieve now that it will open me up to the mistake of bringing him back. Should I try and not grieve until he's gone? Should I allow myself to grieve now and work through it?

 

Oh, and good news. His phone is getting shut off soon so when I'm away from him I won't get contacted... at least not for a while. His father was in charge of the bill. We would send him money and he was supposed to pay it. Well, last month he took our money but didn't pay it... so the phone is being cancelled (not to mention he's getting no more money). Was kind of sad his dad did that, but I guess it was because he is having money troubles and paid other more important bills. Still... he took our money... Anyway -- blessing in disguise -- he cant call me for a while!

Edited April 28, 2011 by Kaito

[coffeeaddict]

Sounds like you're on the right track, you sound excited and passionate about life, and that's a wonderful thing. About his 30 day request though, I would look out for tricks.

 

That block of text was a first class charm campaign with more red flags than a Communist rally, it was written by a skilled manipulator. I'm not saying it's one hundred percent impossible that he's being authentic in his claim that he's accepted the situation, but it seems unlikely to me that he's supposedly gone from writing that text one day, to then being relieved and happy the next day. Furthermore the part about how he's: "Going going back to school, losing weight, and getting a steady job," he decided to start all of these dramatic self-improvements within a short time after you dumped him? Interesting.

 

Keep in mind, this man desensitized you over a period of months and years to accepting physical abuse from him, and he had enough psychological influence over you to convince you to lie about that abuse to others. So from this you can surmise that you're dealing with a person who definitely thinks long term. He plans in terms of months and years rather than days. Rather than gracefully accepting the situation, I think it's more likely that his intentions towards you remain the same, but he's just changing his tactics.

 

He's portraying himself in a better light, while leaving the door open by remaining in your life (for 30 days, but potentially for lot longer since you're remaining friends).

 

I know it's difficult to fathom such an alien personality who thinks and operates in such a cold and calculating way. It's easier to imagine that he's just basically a decent man who has some issues. But a decent man with some issues wouldn't beat dogs. A man who just had some anger issues wouldn't hit you in the head and then say, "You'll lie and tell them you hit yourself." You're dealing with a man who is extremely manipulative, extremely cunning, and extremely dangerous to other people (and most especially to you) and 30 days living in close proximity to this person is 30 days too long.

 

Here are some suggestions:

 

A) Being in the house with this man for the next month is a bad idea. Keep in mind you called him on the phone with the intention of dumping him, and ended the conversation thinking of maybe letting him stay and getting a second job to pay off his truck for him. That all happened in the space of like an hour. A month is a long time, and a lot can happen in a month. This is a very manipulative person. It is probably very inconvenient to find another place to live for 30 days, especially having animals to take care of. But if your intention is to remove this person from your life entirely, then physical distance from this person (your abuser, your controller) now is vital to both your safety and your personal growth.

 

B) I wouldn't talk with him alone or over the phone any more than is necessary, when you deal with the financial stuff you should have a third party present, either your father like you said, or preferably the biggest toughest cop from your department you can find. You could introduce him as your "financial adviser."

 

C) If you hang out with Mr. Dog Beater as a friend (Can't fathom why) you should have someone else present.

 

Just some thoughts/suggestions. Good luck and I hope everything works out well for you.

[betterdeal]

coffeeaddict, dismissing his feelings, telling us what he's thinking, labelling him, well, that's what he did to Kaito and we all saw that as abusive, didn't we?

 

What we know for sure is he is unstable. He loses his temper at times when most people do not. He is harmful when he loses his temper. He has problems relating to women, managing money and his career, and respecting boundaries. And we know this causes Kaito unhappiness, and that she has had problems identifying her own boundaries.

 

I agree that these 30 days will be hard, and I suggest preparing a safe place to go to if things get out of hand. Always try to have back up plans and see things as they are. What he needs now is stability and clear, easy to understand messages. It's like dealing with a child (and because of his arrested development, she is dealing with a child-like personality). Be firm and fair.

 

Sticking to the decision to split up gives him stability. It gives Kaito stability. They have split up before, so his past record shows he can go through a break up. It also shows Kaito has a propensity to be impulsive too, as she went back to him. Set yourself a minimum time apart and stick to it. Also consider what conditions you'd like to be met before you would connect again with him. And keep on acknowledging your own feelings.

[Fugu]

First, let me say that I am a police officer and I know just how bad abusive relationships are and can be. So I don't need to be told a whole lot of "get out!", etc. I know what I should do... its a matter of being strong enough in my personal life to do it. On the street is one thing... at home its like he controls me emotionally.

 

I am a very weak person when it comes to being alone. I love alone time as long as I know there is someone who loves me... aka a steady relationship. I know this is one of my weaknesses and I know that being alone would serve me well.

 

I have been with this man for almost 3 years. We are supposed to get married in September. We have already seen one planned wedding come and go due to his abuse toward me ... emotional, verbal, physical. Now, the physical abuse is no longer displayed toward me. Instead, he beats the dog without remorse when the dog misbehaves. It is his dog so I cannot demand he stop, and he will not listen to reason -- that dogs don't have morality and don't know right from wrong, they only know what gets favorable results and what doesn't. He still has outbursts toward me with name calling. Its much better than it was but I still live with the fear that he will one day become worse again. I am not certain about this marriage and I am definitely not comfortable having children with him. He has a son and I've witnessed him verbally/emotionally abuse him, and then explain why he did it as if he were justified.

 

Let me say that this man is not a monster. He was abused terribly as a child. I wouldn't wish what happened to him on my worst enemy. Still, it was not my fault and I do not deserve to be treated poorly for even a second. His reasons for his angry outbursts are no excuse -- he should still be able and willing to control his tongue. Its not that damn hard.

 

When we began, it felt like we were meant to be together. Everything was perfect. It wasn't until he was moved in and we were sexually active that things went downhill. I remember the first time I saw him enraged, it wasn't even directed to me. He was trying to get us to a restaurant that he was so excited to show me, but his GPS wasn't showing him how to get there properly so he punched it... hard.. and nearly broke it. I was terrified because I had just gotten out of a relationship with a man who was very often angry. But he never showed anger how my fiance has and sometimes still does. They aren't even in the same ballpark.

 

Its hard because, no matter how much I know this is the right thing, I am in so much pain knowing that we had such a wonderful thing. Still, he has hidden things from me, lied, called me names, cut me down, insulted me publicly, he is sarcastic, he jokes at my expense, he beats the dog, he's hit me -- even when I try to as calmly as possible give him a chance to cool down, he's attacked me either verbally or physically.

 

I am trying to give myself ammunition to stay on track. I know the arguments he will line up when I try to get him to go. Either he will stick to the track he's been on lately and be an understanding guy (he's been mostly good lately), which will make it even harder, or he'll revert to how he always has been and accuse me of being just like the exes who "used him" and the discarded him. It was NEVER my intention to use him. Yes, my life is better now that he has been in it. I have a great job, moved out of my dad's place, I have a home I LOVE in an area I love -- but these things were never my goal when I decided to be with him. I was truly, deeply, passionately in love... but he's broken my heart more times than I can even begin to count.

 

I need support. Anyone who has gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship, please message me. I know mine is not that bad but I can't live like this anymore... constantly on edge, unable to trust him fully... I can't be in a relationship like that, its not right and its not how I grew up. I'm going to need support, and I may need to vent several more times before the end. Please help... thank you.

 

You need to get out of this relationship (just f*cking leave) and ask yourself about what kind of men you're seeking. Seriously, one abusive guy...okay, it happens. Two abusive jerks in a row? That's on you. I know that's insensitive, but it's fact.

[coffeeaddict]

coffeeaddict, dismissing his feelings, telling us what he's thinking, labelling him, well, that's what he did to Kaito and we all saw that as abusive, didn't we?

 

Labeling him? What's wrong with labeling him?

 

He struck her and then directed her to tell a group of people that she struck herself.

 

For that I labelled him controlling.

 

He beats dogs (and her).

 

For that I labelled him violent and dangerous.

 

He tried to guilt trip her back into the relationship and call her a bad person for breaking up with him.

 

For that I labelled him manipulative.

 

The labels I applied to him were based on his behavior, his words, and his actions. Yet you say because I'm labeling him I'm displaying the same behavior that I called abusive when he directed it at her?

 

You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but I think that's absolutely ridiculous.

 

Set yourself a minimum time apart and stick to it. Also consider what conditions you'd like to be met before you would connect again with him.

 

Time apart? Connect again? He's physically abusive. There shouldn't be any "Time apart" and "Connecting" from a physically abusive person, there should be one swift clean separation.

 

For an abused victim in a relationship to live with said abuser for 30 days while in the process of trying become psychologically independent of said abuser is a bad idea, it just is. You can't eliminate someone from your live and eliminate their influence over you if you're living in the same house. I don't think it's an accident that he pushed for that particular concession.

 

She needs DISTANCE from this guy, physical distance, quickly. An intellectual decision to leave him means absolutely nothing if he's sleeping in the next room. If that means living with a friend, do it. If that means living with your father, do it. If that means moving into a woman's shelter, do it.

 

That's my opinion and I'm stickin' to it. Better to be safe than sorry.

[betterdeal]

You called him Mr Psycho, for instance. That's labelling. Why didn't that label come up in your counter-argument? And why haven't you addressed my other points, all of which you did and which you have called him abusive for? Why are you asking me to defend an argument I haven't made?

 

Now you're telling us what she needs and what should be done. That's what he did and that's what you called being controlling.

 

Did you know there are people who enjoy physical violence? Some enjoy it in the boxing ring, others on the football pitch, some in the bedroom, others see it as foreplay. And then there are people who change over time. What they previously liked, they don't now.

 

If kaito sets a minimum time for no contact, and considers what conditions must be met before getting involved with him again, I am almost certain that she will not get back together with him based on past experience. However, to say "thou shalt not do what you want to" is controlling behaviour and, as you know, it's most often futile.

[coffeeaddict]

You called him Mr Psycho, for instance. That's labelling.

He beats dogs so I called him a psycho. What's the problem? If someone stole I'd call him a thief. If someone drank like a fish I'd call him an alcoholic. If someone beats defenseless animals, the word psycho comes to mind. What's wrong with labeling? I mean, if the label is accurate.

 

And why haven't you addressed my other points, all of which you did and which you have called him abusive for? Why are you asking me to defend an argument I haven't made?

He is abusive, a man who beats dogs is abusive. A man who strikes women is abusive.

 

What are your other points you make that I didn't address? When you said I "Dismissed his feelings"? Considering the track record of abuse I was focused on her feelings. My first instinct is not to focus on the feelings of the abuser but of the victim.

 

Now you're telling us what she needs and what should be done. That's what he did and that's what you called being controlling.

Telling her what should be done? She started a thread saying "He's abusive, I'm scared," and I'm expressing my opinion in a respectful manner as to the best course of action, just like you did, just like everyone else did. I think telling someone to put physical distance between themselves and their abuser and minimize contact is sound advice, and that's the advice I gave.

 

What specifically is the problem?

 

Did you know there are people who enjoy physical violence? Some enjoy it in the boxing ring, others on the football pitch, some in the bedroom, others see it as foreplay.

Yes, I'm aware that some people like physical violence in sporting events and sex, but what relevance does boxing football and foreplay have to an abusive relationship with a guy who abuses animals and women? Seems like two completely separate topics to me.

 

I don't want to get into a protracted argument, it's disrespectful to the original poster as this is about her situation and not my opinion Vs your opinion. I gave my opinion and you stated your thoughts, let's leave it at that and be cordial.

Edited April 28, 2011 by coffeeaddict

[Kaito]

Okay guys, stop arguing. I know you're both trying to help me, and I greatly appreciate it.

 

I definitely agree that the 30 days is a bad idea, but its a small price to pay in order to keep my house. I know it will be hard. I know its a ploy of his to get back together with me, to show me that I cannot take care of this house by myself. I know this specifically because he mentioned that he would be chopping wood for next winter for me, because I "can't do it." I told him he didn't need to do that but he wouldn't hear it. He couldn't see me rolling my eyes through the phone, of course...

 

I know exactly what he's doing and I know it will be hard. I am inviting as many friends as possible to be around me in this time. If I can't get someone here, I plan on being out of the house as much as possible. I'll sleep in my car if I have to and park down the street somewhere he can't find me. Its hard to leave the house when I have animals I need to be close for.

 

And yes, I will have a back-up plan if I need to get out in a hurry. I know at least one person in my area, whom I work with, who will gladly give me a room for a short while.

 

Betterdeal, I do not plan on giving him a time limit apart, but conditions that need to be met before we have contact is a good idea. Still, I'd rather have no contact.. that makes things a lot easier for me. I know being friends with him is a dumb idea, but until I get him to sign that paperwork saying I get the house then I'm going to go along with it. He should have it signed by Monday. I'm not signing anything that says we have to remain in contact.

 

While the 30 days will be hard, I'm wondering if it won't also be helpful in some way. For instance, I am starting to identify ways he is controling, even as he's trying to employ these methods. I wonder if, the more he tries, I won't just see him for what he is? Yes, I did change my mind in the span of one conversation. That was dumb. But even so, I never planned to go back with him. He gave me doubts, but only momentarily. The more we move forward the more I see him for what he is.

 

I have been reading "Why Does He Do That?" Its about the patterns of Abusive men and why they are abusive. I'm just starting, and I'm seeing all the things that my ex did. By being able to recognize these things it is already helping me move on. It is making it easy to hold him accountable for his actions, and to have no sympathy for him at all. I am even calling into question ALL his supposed past abuse. Maybe he was... its possible. But do I know for sure? Hell no. I never asked anyone else to corroborate his story. When I asked for permission to contact his abuser ( I was so angry when I found out and wanted to confront him), he said no. I asked permission because I knew it was really his choice, as it was his problem and not mine. But who knows... maybe he just pointed the finger at someone and doesn't want me contacting them so he won't be found out. After all, this abuse came to light after we had the worst fight and were about to seriously break up the first time. Why didn't he ever mention it before? He says because he was embarrassed and didn't want to face it. I believed it because I have heard of men who were abused as boys who didn't even tell anyone until they were already grown, married with families of their own.

 

Anyway, I was really believing that he was "out of control", "couldn't help it because of how he grew up -- he just learned to be this way,", etc. I don't believe that at all anymore, because of what this book has pointed out. If he's so out of control, how come he doesn't treat other people that way? The only time I've seen him blow up on people was during video games. Yes, he says things that make me think he's violent toward others, but I've never actually seen him be violent to them. As far as learning to be that way. Well, that part might be partially true, but is still no excuse. He's a grown man now and can make his own decisions. He can stop blaming what he does on everyone else and take responsibility... which is something I've yet to see him do.

 

Are labels warranted? I can tell you they certainly help me distance myself emotionally from him. Are they right? Maybe, maybe not. I won't lie -- Coffee calling him a psycho and dog abuser and mentioning why on earth I'd want to associate with someone like that REALLY put it into perspective.

 

I also got some insight from a close friend who told me she had been in an abusive relationship. I had never realized. She was with a guy for 8 years and always seemed miserable. The only reasons she ever gave me were that he was not caring and did not show her enough attention, that he "always played Halo" and went out without telling her where he was going. Well, I found out that he used to call her names, fight with her, break her stuff. I got a lot of good advice from her. She did no contact, which I wish I could do but, again, we have a lot of stuff financially to deal with. She was not living with him and I'm pretty sure had nothing in both their names. But she says, even though she is now happily engaged to a wonderful man, when she sees her ex (by accident, they go to the same church) she can't breathe. She says she'd love to catch up with him but she forces herself not to.