Kaito Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Sorry, I am double posting this simply because I think I posted it in the wrong section first... First, let me say that I am a police officer and I know just how bad abusive relationships are and can be. So I don't need to be told a whole lot of "get out!", etc. I know what I should do... its a matter of being strong enough in my personal life to do it. On the street is one thing... at home its like he controls me emotionally. I am a very weak person when it comes to being alone. I love alone time as long as I know there is someone who loves me... aka a steady relationship. I know this is one of my weaknesses and I know that being alone would serve me well. I have been with this man for almost 3 years. We are supposed to get married in September. We have already seen one planned wedding come and go due to his abuse toward me ... emotional, verbal, physical. Now, the physical abuse is no longer displayed toward me. Instead, he beats the dog without remorse when the dog misbehaves. It is his dog so I cannot demand he stop, and he will not listen to reason -- that dogs don't have morality and don't know right from wrong, they only know what gets favorable results and what doesn't. He still has outbursts toward me with name calling. Its much better than it was but I still live with the fear that he will one day become worse again. I am not certain about this marriage and I am definitely not comfortable having children with him. He has a son and I've witnessed him verbally/emotionally abuse him, and then explain why he did it as if he were justified. Let me say that this man is not a monster. He was abused terribly as a child. I wouldn't wish what happened to him on my worst enemy. Still, it was not my fault and I do not deserve to be treated poorly for even a second. His reasons for his angry outbursts are no excuse -- he should still be able and willing to control his tongue. Its not that damn hard. When we began, it felt like we were meant to be together. Everything was perfect. It wasn't until he was moved in and we were sexually active that things went downhill. I remember the first time I saw him enraged, it wasn't even directed to me. He was trying to get us to a restaurant that he was so excited to show me, but his GPS wasn't showing him how to get there properly so he punched it... hard.. and nearly broke it. I was terrified because I had just gotten out of a relationship with a man who was very often angry. But he never showed anger how my fiance has and sometimes still does. They aren't even in the same ballpark. Its hard because, no matter how much I know this is the right thing, I am in so much pain knowing that we had such a wonderful thing. Still, he has hidden things from me, lied, called me names, cut me down, insulted me publicly, he is sarcastic, he jokes at my expense, he beats the dog, he's hit me -- even when I try to as calmly as possible give him a chance to cool down, he's attacked me either verbally or physically. I am trying to give myself ammunition to stay on track. I know the arguments he will line up when I try to get him to go. Either he will stick to the track he's been on lately and be an understanding guy (he's been mostly good lately), which will make it even harder, or he'll revert to how he always has been and accuse me of being just like the exes who "used him" and the discarded him. It was NEVER my intention to use him. Yes, my life is better now that he has been in it. I have a great job, moved out of my dad's place, I have a home I LOVE in an area I love -- but these things were never my goal when I decided to be with him. I was truly, deeply, passionately in love... but he's broken my heart more times than I can even begin to count. I need support. Anyone who has gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship, please message me. I know mine is not that bad but I can't live like this anymore... constantly on edge, unable to trust him fully... I can't be in a relationship like that, its not right and its not how I grew up. I'm going to need support, and I may need to vent several more times before the end. Please help... thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 I know mine is not that bad It sounds really bad. Please stop making excuses for his behavior and thinking that he will magically go back to the honeymoon phase. He won't. Like you said before you already know what to do, so I'm not gonna say it. I am recovering from being abused and the only way I did it was to leave my abuser. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
strawberry37 Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 i agree with everything sugarmomma said. i, too, am recovering, and the only way i did it was to get out. i agree with what you said about him not being a monster - my ex isn't a monster either, but you deserve to be treated better than that. just because he was abused as a child, doesn't give him the right to abuse him or anyone else. and everyone i have talked to has said abuse usually gets worse once you're married... so get out now. stay positive and vent when you need to. journaling and counseling and a support group have really helped me. take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kaito Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 Thank you, both of you. i agree with everything sugarmomma said. i, too, am recovering, and the only way i did it was to get out. i agree with what you said about him not being a monster - my ex isn't a monster either, but you deserve to be treated better than that. just because he was abused as a child, doesn't give him the right to abuse him or anyone else. and everyone i have talked to has said abuse usually gets worse once you're married... so get out now. stay positive and vent when you need to. journaling and counseling and a support group have really helped me. take care of yourself. Thank you for telling me about your ex. It feels good when someone else shares a similar story... it gives me hope. I used to always keep a journal .. I will start that again. It does help me feel better. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Vent away. You know what you need to do. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
bigmomma1974 Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 I would run with my tail between my legs. I guess I wont truelly understand how someone can stay in an abusive relationship. He abuses you and the dog. I feel for you both. Your a police officer why not have his ass arrested for animal cruelty and pack his bags and set them outside the door. I dated a guy that took a swing at me, I packed my bags and jetted. I was abused enough as a child I wasnt going to allow anyone to abuse me as an adult. I hope you get out soon before its to late. My heart goes out to you but these situations make me so angry. Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 This is who he is. there is no changing. Its not going to end well. prepare yourself mentally. he has gotten comftorable enough to show you what type of person he is. the honeymoon phase is over. and if this is what you want for your life then so be it. but like is said... it wont end well. i have been in two abusive relationships. past tense. Link to post Share on other sites
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