Why does the BS stay in the marriage?

[kimpppp]

Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious.

[whichwayisup]

Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious.

 

OH yes, a BS should just hand over their spouse to an OW/OM with no fight. Give up the life they built with their spouse, forget the history between them, years of marriage, the lives entwined, the kids, family, inlaws etc..

 

[tami-chan]

Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious.

 

I am JUST one xBS who stayed for more than a dozen years with an H (now x) who was a serial cheater. I stayed because I insisted to marry him despite my family's objections ( we eloped) and was too humiliated to go back to my family. I stayed because I was very young and did not know how to navigate the real world without a college degree and had to take care of a newborn ( lived a very sheltered life, although I was well-traveled). I stayed because I decided my daughter deserved her parents to rise above it all because it was not her fault that we were flawed. I stayed because I was able to re-define the marriage and re-defined our roles in the marriage. I stayed because I was not ready to leave. I stayed because I could and left when I was ready.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have stayed because I couldn't understand how someone who loved me so wonderfully blindsided me so badly. I needed to have the answers for why everything crumbled apart when I was 8 months pregnant.

 

So I dug around and the deeper I dug the worse things got until there began to be answers and with answers came the hope of once again having a healthy, happy family where my little girl could have Mom & Dad.

 

That hope survives on a little silver string suspended by a Moon beam, but that little silver string is very precious to me. All I ever wanted was a little family and if that means going through a massive healing process to preserve mine and serving up helpings of tough love and alternately encouragement and gratitude, then that is what I will do.

 

I have found more about myself by staying and facing almost every single one of my fears and demons then I would have by leaving and avoiding any personal responsibility.

[Lorelei_Lane]

I stayed because I felt it was the best decision, and I haven't regretted it yet.

 

My husband had a short term emotional affair, and unlike some WS that I have seen and read about, he really tried to show he was committed to fixing our marriage. He hasn't disappointed me yet.

 

It has nothing to do with confidence, finances or anything like that. Honestly, if I had left him, I would have had my own place, a job and would have been able to be with my family again. I chose to stay and work on my marriage instead. Although at first many of my friends and family didn't understand it, but once they saw how we were able to move past it and that we're closer now than we ever were before the affair, they see why I stayed.

[bentnotbroken]

Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious.

 

 

As most BS will never really get the mindset of an AP, I would think that most AP will never get the mindset and history of a BS.

[Snowflower]

Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious.

 

Hi kim, I see that you are a new poster and welcome to LS!

 

I think the lack of self-confidence/self worth of a BS is a misinformed assumption.

[dreamingoftigers]

:laugh::laugh:

Why would an ow be a side dish to someones marriage. A little dessert item to enjoy when they can find the time.

 

Is it lack of self confidence/self worth?

 

After that first shot was fired, there was but a still moment of silence before the explosions started and the war broke out.

[quankanne]

why stay? Because possession is 9/10 of the law, and really, who is the most entitled to that relationship with the cheating spouse? His/her lover, or the person who vowed to stay with him/her through thick and thin, and who, despite the hurt and pain this person has caused, still believes in the relationship to make it work.

 

sorry, but the AP is just someone a cheater dabbles with because he/she doesn't have the balls to make needed changes or respect his/her spouse enough to give them their freedom, IMHO

[Ms.YummyM]

I think the real question should be, Why does an OW/OM and WW/WH engage in the affair to begin with? Most likely it is their lack of self confidence and self worth!

[seren]

Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious.

 

Hi Kim,

 

As an XBS with lots of self confidence and self worth I can confidently say that after D Day, it became apparent that my H lacked self confidence and self worth and felt not good enough for me, to add to him feeling worthless, he had an A with someone who was so not like me. A sort of self fullfilling prophecy, as in, I feel useless, I feel not good enough and this (OW) is all I am worth.

 

I stay with H because for our 26 years of being together he was an a*** for 8 months of it. The balance tipped for us working on our marriage and quite simply, I never stopped loving him. There was no question of leaving for the A, it really was quite insignificant, the breaking of trust not so, but love conquers all along with hard work, truth, honesty and H's remorse.

[2sunny]

usually fear is the driving force... to either stay or to not leave...

[2sunny]

but love conquers all along with hard work, truth, honesty and H's remorse.

 

this couldn't be farther from reality.

 

love does not always conquer all... that is an illusion. my xH truly loved me as much as he's capable of loving anyone. and i loved him.

 

at times- it is not nearly enough. seriously.

[2sunny]

I stayed ( and continue to stay) because, in spite of everything that happened, we still both love each others. We are happy together and even though it has taken a lot of work, we are happier now than we were before he cheated.

I guess it's like the old saying goes " what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"

 

I know that some other men/other woman may not like to hear it, but many marriages are able to move past infidelity with both marriage partners being happy together... many times, the " cheating spouse" does not spend their lifetime pining away over their ex-affair partner

 

I would hope the same is true for the affair partner... I hope they don't spend their life pining over someone they can't have

 

one can never presume to know whether or not a spouse is or isn't pining over the AP. they can tell you anything they want- but it's simply IMPOSSIBLE to fully understand their truth about how they feel about it all - moment to moment it could easily change.

 

assume nothing. you can never really know exactly how someone else feels.

[HalfAlive22]

OH yes, a BS should just hand over their spouse to an OW/OM with no fight. Give up the life they built with their spouse, forget the history between them, years of marriage, the lives entwined, the kids, family, inlaws etc..

 

 

 

exactly! well said, that what my thougths were at the beginning, and boy did OW loose my fight..

[donnamaybe]

Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious.

Perhaps the OW should ask the BS that. I'm sure she'd find out in a heartbeat what the BS thought (after she came to).

[ladydesigner]

one can never presume to know whether or not a spouse is or isn't pining over the AP. they can tell you anything they want- but it's simply IMPOSSIBLE to fully understand their truth about how they feel about it all - moment to moment it could easily change.

 

assume nothing. you can never really know exactly how someone else feels.

 

The bolded is so so true. I pined for my XAP for a WHOLE year after the A ended and no one, not even my friends knew.

 

As far as my perspective from being a BS and why I am staying. At first it was for the kids, now I am starting to have feelings for my H again and we get along great, have great sex and what not.

 

I like tami-chans post especially this part

I stayed because I was not ready to leave. I stayed because I could and left when I was ready.

 

If and when I feel my M has taken a turn for the worst I will most likely leave. For one I could not tolerate another A from my H if I were ever to discover it. One more A from him = DIVORCE and HE knows this.

[2sunny]

sorry, but I don't agree.

 

ins spite of what a few " other men/other women" think, affairs are simply romantic relationships, no more, no less. while it may be painful when they end, the pain goes away and the people involved move on and with the passage of time the feelings go away and the pining goes away too.

 

Just like I don't "pine" for all the people I had romantic relationships with in my life, my husband doesn't "pine" for his ex-affair partner. This is not to say that he hastes her, just that he is indifferent.

 

you are making SO MANY assumptions.

 

you can know how YOU feel. another person may tell you how they feel - but realistically - there is always a possibility that they may be telling you what you want to hear instead of how they really feel.

[dreamingoftigers]

well serious now that was not a real question was it? For reeeelz? That was just one big put down to wives. Silly ow's think they play the little toy on the side and then the wife won't want them? It's so silly. Young, silly, naive women who just want to feel loved but are actually being abused and used.

 

No no, I know.

 

I just put my quote up because I've seen threads like this one blow up between BS and OW a lot before on LS.

 

Hence my little quote, attempt at strange humor, some love me, most don't get me and some PM me with little nasty bits (but that is uncommon).

[donnamaybe]

No no, I know.

 

I just put my quote up because I've seen threads like this one blow up between BS and OW a lot before on LS.

 

Hence my little quote, attempt at strange humor, some love me, most don't get me and some PM me with little nasty bits (but that is uncommon).

I got it, DOT, and I thought it was funny!

[What_Next]

Haven't you drifted away from the OP's question to a certain degree?

 

The reasons someone decides to stay after an affair can be almost as varied as some of the reasons affairs happen in the first place.

 

I can only speak in specifics about my own case. Why did I chose to come back to my partner? I cannot put my finger on one reason, it was a combination of reasons. I can only say thus far I feel I made the right decision and I don't need to defend it or justify it to anyone except myself.

[2sunny]

2 Sunny,

I may be many things, but I don't count a fool among them.

 

My husband chose to end the affair and when he did, the "mask" she wore came off and he saw her for what she really was ( she is very, very different from an awful lot of the " other men/other women" that I have seen on here- you can read some of my old posts to see just what she is like, and I think you'll see what I mean)

 

While I won't go so far as to say that no one ever pines for their affair partner, i will say that there are an awful lot of people who don't.

 

i never said fool... we were discussing pining and IF another person thinks of the OM/OW at times.

 

i'm curious why you associated that automatically with YOU being the fool?

 

to me, the person wasting their time and energy thinking of that other person would be the foolish one.

[dreamingoftigers]

I got it, DOT, and I thought it was funny!

 

That I believe that you are one of the chosen few.....

[Lorelei_Lane]

I got the humor too, DoT! lol

 

Back to the question and conversation at hand, I agree that this should be asked of the OW too. Why did my husband's OW, who was supposed to be my friend, go after my husband? Was it HER lack of confidence and self worth?

 

I also disagree on the pining thing. Not everyone can hide their emotions. I know just how long it took for my husband to see the light about her, and get over her. Men, and women, CAN be complex creatures, but they also can be very simple. I remember the exact day my husband saw the light about the OW, that she was a liar, and he got over her. I can tell you now the exact day that we began to heal, and I can tell you now that we're happier than we were before the affair.

 

No, sometimes you can't tell. But I could. I'm sure frozen could. No affair, no marriage, no two people are the same. Stop trying to compare them and tell people what they know about their own relationships! Goodness. That's how threads like these, that can be actually really good discussions, get locked.

 

An affair, like someone said, is just a romantic relationship. Eventually you get over it, like you would any other one.

[Memphis Raines]

Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious.

 

First a question for you. Are you an OW/OM?

 

now to answer yours.

 

I didn't stay with my wife, but I tried. And the reasons were:

 

-Scared of divorce, the cost, the time, the toll it would take.

 

-didn't want to be without my kids on a daily basis

 

-didn't want to sell the home my kids grew to love and were familiar with

 

-the feeling like I was a failure.

 

but then I realized life wasn't worth living with a cheater and I wanted better out of life than to have even the smallest level of suspicion the rest of my life no matter how far down the road it would have been if I had stayed with her.

 

and after it was all said and done, I realize now that divorce was never anything to fear. Sure it was hard, emotionally and financially. But in the end, you will recover financially(even paying out child support), and emotionally it is wonderful. Especially getting to date better women:cool: