Why does the BS stay in the marriage?

[Memphis Raines]

ah, just answered my own question of whether you are an OW or not.

 

I see that you are.

 

so now the question is, why come in this section and take a jab at people that have been betrayed?

[Memphis Raines]

well serious now that was not a real question was it?.

 

no it wasn't. It was a statement from an other woman that needs to forget about the woman she helped betray and bash her MM instead of coming into the infidelity section and start swinging.

[donnamaybe]

so now the question is, why come in this section and take a jab at people that have been betrayed?

Probably less frightening than actually asking the BS in her own triangle. For reference, my prior post

[seren]

this couldn't be farther from reality.

 

love does not always conquer all... that is an illusion. my xH truly loved me as much as he's capable of loving anyone. and i loved him.

 

at times- it is not nearly enough. seriously.

 

Sunny, I was answering the OP's question from my POV, for me, love does conquer all, along with the other prequisites written, without those, there would have been no reconciliation, despite love.

[Linda9999]

I stayed because I felt it was the best decision, and I haven't regretted it yet.

 

My husband had a short term emotional affair, and unlike some WS that I have seen and read about, he really tried to show he was committed to fixing our marriage. He hasn't disappointed me yet.

 

It has nothing to do with confidence, finances or anything like that. Honestly, if I had left him, I would have had my own place, a job and would have been able to be with my family again. I chose to stay and work on my marriage instead. Although at first many of my friends and family didn't understand it, but once they saw how we were able to move past it and that we're closer now than we ever were before the affair, they see why I stayed.

 

This, almost exactly.

[Silly_Girl]

I stayed because I was very invested

-I wanted to prove the flashes of good could be the real deal, for limited periods we got on great and had a ball (by limited it was never more than a week or two) and I yearned for that and thought I could somehow fix things so that period would last longer... like for ever!!;

-I didn't want to have ANOTHER (a second) relationship fail;

-I was scared of him, and at times scared he'd kill me;

-I was very close to his kids, and I championed their educational, medical and emotional needs and felt worried they would be adversely affected when I was no longer in their life;

-Money because I knew I would struggle, as would he;

-Peace of mind because I knew he'd stalk and hound me if I left him, so it seemed easier to stay... "better the devil you know"?;

-We would have great sex and I mistakenly took sexual connection to be more, when things were not good between us.

 

He stayed after she cheated because

-He had never before lived alone and didn't much like it;

-He had plenty of money to maintain his hobby (passion) when they were together but not when they were apart;

-He believed (then) that a marriage without violence/anger was a 'good' marriage;

-No one in his family had ever divorced;

-He pitied his wife when she had her heart broken, and wanted to help by letting her move back in. He failed to look at the bigger picture in doing so;

-Their lives had been quite separate previously so it didn't seem that odd to carry on, but under the same roof.

 

She stayed when he cheated because

-She couldn't afford a place of her own;

-She didn't want to admit the 'failure' of a broken marriage (but was happy to do so when it was her leaving);

-They had never 'reconciled' (talked, resolved, shared etc) before (the first time they split) so she thought this time would be just the same, she assumed if she was patient the status quo would be restored;

-The emotional availability (lack of) suited her make up and saved her from looking inwards, I believe she'd have embraced an unofficial open marriage if it saved her addressing her issues.

[bentnotbroken]

I stayed because I was very invested

-I wanted to prove the flashes of good could be the real deal, for limited periods we got on great and had a ball (by limited it was never more than a week or two) and I yearned for that and thought I could somehow fix things so that period would last longer... like for ever!!;

-I didn't want to have ANOTHER (a second) relationship fail;

-I was scared of him, and at times scared he'd kill me;

-I was very close to his kids, and I championed their educational, medical and emotional needs and felt worried they would be adversely affected when I was no longer in their life;

-Money because I knew I would struggle, as would he;

-Peace of mind because I knew he'd stalk and hound me if I left him, so it seemed easier to stay... "better the devil you know"?;

-We would have great sex and I mistakenly took sexual connection to be more, when things were not good between us.

 

He stayed after she cheated because

-He had never before lived alone and didn't much like it;

-He had plenty of money to maintain his hobby (passion) when they were together but not when they were apart;

-He believed (then) that a marriage without violence/anger was a 'good' marriage;

-No one in his family had ever divorced;

-He pitied his wife when she had her heart broken, and wanted to help by letting her move back in. He failed to look at the bigger picture in doing so;

-Their lives had been quite separate previously so it didn't seem that odd to carry on, but under the same roof.

 

She stayed when he cheated because

-She couldn't afford a place of her own;

-She didn't want to admit the 'failure' of a broken marriage (but was happy to do so when it was her leaving);

-They had never 'reconciled' (talked, resolved, shared etc) before (the first time they split) so she thought this time would be just the same, she assumed if she was patient the status quo would be restored;

-The emotional availability (lack of) suited her make up and saved her from looking inwards, I believe she'd have embraced an unofficial open marriage if it saved her addressing her issues.

 

 

Where can I find that crystal ball? I want to know some things too.

[Silly_Girl]

Where can I find that crystal ball? I want to know some things too.

 

I'm pretty sure there's a dig in there somewhere.

 

I bet you can pick them up on ebay, though.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm pretty sure there's a dig in there somewhere.

 

I bet you can pick them up on ebay, though.

 

 

Don't be so paranoid. It just seems you knew what she was thinking and feeling. And yes ebay has everything.

[dreamingoftigers]

There was a witchcraft store here in town that carried them for awhile. I dunno, seeing the real life thing made me wonder how people ever pit their faith in them.

[Silly_Girl]

Don't be so paranoid. It just seems you knew what she was thinking and feeling. And yes ebay has everything.

 

I didn't make it up, Bent. Yes, I have good reason to feel I know at least SOME of her reasonings, but not all, obviously.

 

Seems like this board and the OW board would be a great place to start selling crystal balls. We could make a fortune.

[bentnotbroken]

I didn't make it up, Bent. Yes, I have good reason to feel I know at least SOME of her reasonings, but not all, obviously.

 

Seems like this board and the OW board would be a great place to start selling crystal balls. We could make a fortune.

 

 

With rising gas prices, I could use a fortune.

[tami-chan]

:laugh::laugh:

Why would an ow be a side dish to someones marriage. A little dessert item to enjoy when they can find the time.

 

Is it lack of self confidence/self worth?

 

This is unnecessary. This is how "forum wars" get started. She asked a question, you can choose to answer it respectfully or ignore it. Just saying.

 

Regarding the lack of self -confidence of BS. As an xBS I certainly was lacking in the department. I was young and was just about to start univ and estranged from my family (even though I could have asked for help since my parents are very well off-as a matter of fact, I did just that when the dust settled and I decided to go full force in my plan to be financially independent from my then H). I am not embarrassed to admit that I did lack confidence because it was true and it made sense. I don't think I ever doubted my self worth,though. In fact, it was because I held myself high that it only took one short affair for my then H to "lose" me. I did not ask for explanation, I did not ask for him to stop. As far as I was concern he squandered our marriage/love and there was no putting it back ever again, despite his "best" efforts.

[blizzard]

OH yes, a BS should just hand over their spouse to an OW/OM with no fight. Give up the life they built with their spouse, forget the history between them, years of marriage, the lives entwined, the kids, family, inlaws etc..

 

So what's the case if OW/OM didn't want MM back!? I didn't "fight" for him back. After learning he lied about "divorcing" his wife...I didn't want him back. He lied to his wife. He lied to me. Now, why would she stay if AP did not want to "stay" in the picture? In my case, he hasn't been completely honest about affair with BS...and she believes everything he said.

[alexandria35]

I didn't make it up, Bent. Yes, I have good reason to feel I know at least SOME of her reasonings, but not all, obviously.

 

Seems like this board and the OW board would be a great place to start selling crystal balls. We could make a fortune.

 

Come on. You don't seriously think you know what she is thinking and feeling. You couldn't know unless she told you herself and even then it might not be 100% factual because she might only be telling you what she thinks and feels at that moment. I can tell my reasons for why I do what I do, but I can only "repeat" what somebody else tells me about their reasons for doing as they do, and if somebody hasn't even told me their reasons, then I certainly shouldn't be speaking for them at all.

[John Michael Kane]

Love is a verb, not something out of a fairy tale. And if you actually love someone, you wouldn't cheat.

 

I love this post.

[Steadfast]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I would have done anything to save my marriage after my wife confessed to cheating. I tried it all...every angle.

 

When 'it' began, I wasn't sure what she wanted to do. It seemed she didn't either. She changed her mind daily...hourly even. That lasted for six weeks until she moved out to 'sort through things'. There's no need to explain what was really being sorted, but I'll give you and hint and say it was her sexual wiring. When I heard that (literally, one night at her door after I was tipped off she wasn't alone) I came to the sickening realization that my worst nightmare was unfolding.

 

It wasn't just my broken heart, or the betrayal that burned in my gut like hot coals, but the weight of all the rest; the shattered kids, ruined finances and the utter destruction of not only my future, but my past as well. I'm being honest when I say life was worse than any nightmare I'd ever experienced. I lost 35-lb in three weeks.

 

So, what does the betrayed experience? A short list includes remorse, guilt, mourning, affection withdrawal, mind bending stress and a complete loss of confidence and self esteem.

 

Let's not forget fear. I was scared for reasons I'm still unable to put into words. Getting the picture?

 

Like many others, I soon came to realize no matter what, I would have to deal with each of these problems one by one. And I have...still am actually, three years post. Thanks to a great family, friends and some really loving people (like my beautiful girlfriend) I'm in the process of rebuilding my life using a new model. No debt, but nothing really to show for a lifetime of work except a few personal items and beautiful kids.

 

I hope you tossed out that question looking for serious answers, and not just being flippant. I remember seeing men destroyed by women when I was younger and thinking I'd never want to go through that. But, I was sure I wouldn't! I, we'd be different. I never cheated, loved her with all my heart and made her the center of my world. But that was my mistake. I know better now.

 

I think we would have made it, but I'll never know. Her choice forced a decision I never dreamed I'd have to make. I loved her but she didn't love me. Have you ever tried to kill the love in your heart? I hope you never have to.

[tami-chan]

Love is a verb, not something out of a fairy tale. And if you actually love someone, you wouldn't cheat.

 

Love is an emotion and therefore volatile. You need more than love to make a relationship work, we all know that.

[John Michael Kane]

Love is an emotion and therefore volatile. You need more than love to make a relationship work, we all know that.

 

Commitment is also needed.

[1956peace]

I think this is one of those questions that has a different answer for each of us,

I am also a BS, classic story, husband had an affair with co-worker ........

We had been married 25 years at the time,

We have decided to stay together for a number of reasons........first of all our marriage was not in a good place, so both of us are accountable(no excuse for an affair).

When I first found out about his affair, short lived, 2-3 months, she was younger with younger children and married herself.......financially strapped.

I said okay if you love her then go and have your life with her......I went and changed all our bank accounts, set myself up independently from him, we worked on a separation agreement, the OW left her husband in the meantime.

He was suppose to move out and find new housing........this was new years eve when we signed the agreement.

He started to change and he stop seeing his OW and started to spend all his time with me........

After a month or two of having excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't find a place, $ was not a problem.......he ask me if I would reconsider.......he became completely transparent with all his comminication devices, his whereabouts and he never went out at night. He came home for lunches.....

He was now the man that he should have been while we were married, he also said that he regretted what he had done to our marriage and to our family.

So even though this affair happened and he claimed he no longer loved me at first he convinced me to give him a second chance, and because I was the bs who hadn't been the one to be "out of love" I said I would live through recovery once if he let me down from here on we and our marriage would be over.............

He has been the husband I have always wanted and our marriage is the best it has ever been..........He now says he is sorry every day, and that I saved him from a life that he would have hated, he said all that we have lost through this experience is something he can't give back to me, but he said he is grateful for the chance to make things up to me every day............

The OW in our case tried to keep contacting him, calling when she was drinking saying she was suicidal.........she eventually stopped, I would just calmly answer the phone and ask her to stop calling my husband and to leave our family alone..........

She is now separated and alienated from one of her children..............

Affairs hurt everyone and recovery isn't for everyone, the only reason I did because of my husband's attitude and effort and remorse............

Everyone deserves to be loved with everything someone else can give you, not just some times that are in the midst of lies and secrecy........

It is not about self esteem, it's not about being afraid, it's about commitment and honesty..........we together saved our marriage and our children's family.....

Sure it isn't easy, but life after the affair for us is a better one than before ......

[Silly_Girl]

Come on. You don't seriously think you know what she is thinking and feeling. You couldn't know unless she told you herself and even then it might not be 100% factual because she might only be telling you what she thinks and feels at that moment. I can tell my reasons for why I do what I do, but I can only "repeat" what somebody else tells me about their reasons for doing as they do, and if somebody hasn't even told me their reasons, then I certainly shouldn't be speaking for them at all.

 

Okay, I've looked back at some of your posts and seen you talking of things others have done, and their reasoning as to why; and recouting things that have happened to people when you couldn't possibly have verified it yourself.

 

I don't think we need your suggested approach that we discount anything and everything, ever, because it's only 'in that moment' and therefore not factual. It would make a relationship discussion forum untenable.

[kevinm1019]

Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious.

I have carefully read each person's posts and found them all very interesting. I believe there is an opportunity for forgiveness if the wayward spouse is willing to accept accountability for his or her poor decisions and choices with the affair. In accepting accountability, the wayward spouse must communicate and demonstrate he or she understands how the affair has impacted the relationship then demonstrate he or she understands the responsibility to repair the relationship without further demonstrating or communicating any affair-like actions and/or events. This does not mean the hurt partner will forget the poor decisions or choices with the affair... but the hurt partner may find it in his or her heart to continue to fight for the love he or she believes they "once" had. The love will never be the same but he or she may find a way to love his or her wayward spouse in a different way. In many cases, if "the grass is greener" with the affair partner... the wayward spouse would not make excuses or try to find reasons not to leave. In today's world and social network... getting sex from someone is not hard... but finding quality is.

 

My significant other struggles each day with her choice to have an affair because she knows the damage she has caused to our relationship, our family and the impact to her character. She knows the honored love and trust between us has disappeared forever. When a person knows that someone who loved him or her unconditionally always looks at him or her or manages his or her relationship with caution and apprehension... that feeling... is the worst feeling in the world for the wayward spouse... and in a lot of ways for the betrayed spouse as well. What everything boils down to is this... "Can I be happy with this and share my life with this person following the affair?" If you think you can... you have to decide how to share your feelings, set your boundaries and find positive and proactive methods to repair the damaged relationship.

[PollyIvy]

I stayed because of our children.

I stayed because of our children.

I stayed because of our children.

Ok, have I made my point?

 

Other than that...

I stayed because I loved him.

I stayed because I believed in our marriage.

I stayed because I was giving him time.

I stayed because I was waiting.

I stayed because I believe a person can love 2 people.

 

And here's a big angle:

I stayed because I didn't know what else to do.

I stayed because I was afraid of being alone.

 

Now we are separating, and we both feel sick because of what we are doing to our children.

[Memphis Raines]

This is unnecessary. This is how "forum wars" get started. She asked a question, you can choose to answer it respectfully or ignore it. Just saying.

 

 

the "forum war" was started by the OP. it was a statement, not a question.

 

OP is an OW that wanted to take a jab at people in the infidelity forum that have been betrayed.

 

notice how she dropped this so called question of curiosity in this forum and never replied back, much less to even say something like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend, it was a geniune question, not a poke at those that have been cheated on"

[drifter777]

...

 

And here's a big angle:

I stayed because I didn't know what else to do.

I stayed because I was afraid of being alone.

 

Now we are separating, and we both feel sick because of what we are doing to our children.

 

Bang! This hits it right on the head for me as well. My child was a contributing factor but the primary reason was my confusion and fear of the unknown. I think maybe my love for my child contributed more to my not killing myself as I didn't want to leave him with that kind of legacy.