Why does the BS stay in the marriage?

[mzdolphin]

OH yes, a BS should just hand over their spouse to an OW/OM with no fight. Give up the life they built with their spouse, forget the history between them, years of marriage, the lives entwined, the kids, family, inlaws etc..

 

 

wow, Just hand him over? I guess the WS had no problem blowing up the marriage without a fight.

[mzdolphin]

Yes.

 

It may not be easy for some people to be able to find someone else if they left their cheating spouse. These people have no self-confidence.

 

Any woman/man with self-confidence ends any marriage/relationship once they're cheated on. It just comes as automatic to those with high self-esteem. To others.......I can't say the same. It's a shame. I feel for those who stay. I only wish they attained a sense of self-worth.

 

It is not that simple. Every situation is different. But I do question the self esteem of those who stay after repeated cheating. Some even slip into denial. Depending on your circumstances, I think a marriage can survive infidelity. But repeated cheating means this person either 1. No longer loves you 2. They are just a habitual cheat or 3. Is in love with someone else. All of those means lead to a miserable marriage.

[mzdolphin]

I stayed for love. I loved him, but that wouldn't have been enough. I stayed because he fought for me and worked for me and showed every day in every way that he loved me and wanted me every bit as much as I loved and wanted him.

 

I didn't stay for money, as finances are not a problem for either of us. I didn't stay for kids as they were grown and gone. I didn't stay out of fear of being alone as I've never been afraid of being alone. I like myself and my own company just fine. I didn't stay because of a lack of self-confidence, as I have a bit of an overabundance of that.

 

If I had even once seen a breath of a possibility in any way that he pined for the AP I would have been gone in an instant. I'm glad I stayed. We have a wonderful relationship, and both of us are much happier and more satisfied in our marriage than either of us were before the affair. We communicate better and solve problems when they arise rather than attempting to ignore them. Working through the pain of the affair was very difficult. Working through what led up to the affair was also very difficult, as it was years of issues for both of us.

 

I completely understand people who choose to make a clean break and start anew. I also completely understand people who choose to stay and work things out. I will never understand people who choose to stay but leave things as they were, never working out the problems or dealing with the issues.

 

 

Sounds like you worked things out and that this was a one-time affair. In that case, staying makes sense.

[mzdolphin]

Are you married? Do you have kids? If the answer is no, then yes, you will never understand.

 

 

 

This response is unfair. You don't have to have kids to have an opinion about whether or not you'd stay in an affair. I was married with a five-year old when I kicked my cheating husband out.

[mzdolphin]

I stayed ( and continue to stay) because, in spite of everything that happened, we still both love each others. We are happy together and even though it has taken a lot of work, we are happier now than we were before he cheated.

I guess it's like the old saying goes " what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"

 

I know that some other men/other woman may not like to hear it, but many marriages are able to move past infidelity with both marriage partners being happy together... many times, the " cheating spouse" does not spend their lifetime pining away over their ex-affair partner

 

I would hope the same is true for the affair partner... I hope they don't spend their life pining over someone they can't have

 

 

Congrats on rebuilding your marriage. But how would you know if your spouse isn't pining away for the OP? They wouldn't tell you? I ask this because my former MM (I found out he was married and ended it. Stays in touch, says he loves me, always ask to see me. We dated before he was married, 18 years ago. I broke things off three years ago, but he makes some sort of contact at least once a month. We live in different states, but he's always trying to arrange meetings. Full disclosure: we do share professional interests, but no need to work together.

 

I'm thinking they had to reconcile after she found out about his affair. Maybe they even went to counseling. But the only reason we aren't having sex is that I'm not allowing it.

[seren]

I made a thought out decision to stay after H had an A, I made an informed choice with all the details, after a long boundary setting, soul searching discussion with my H. NC was total, how do I know this? OW constantly telephoning our house to speak with H to get closure and various other telephone calls from her (long story).

 

Once D day had happened and H had told me about the A, the OW was not a factor in our discussion after the who, why questions. The focus was on reconciliation and us and our marriage.

 

I do not lack self esteem, but of course there is an initital why wasn't what we had enough? questions. For me, the question isn't so much why I stayed (I never left our marriage) but why he stayed when he could have left, with my support to separate our finances. I think if I were an OW, I would more question why the WS doesn't leave after a D Day and what would make me (hypothetical) want a MM who thought I would just slip into the OW role by default.

[gpatb43]

As a BS 7 years ago who forgave (but WS decided she did not want to fight for our marriage but wanted to leave me for him, and did) and who then found myself as the WS in my latest relationship (thread elsewhere on here) whose BS ended our relationship, I see a lot of reasons why people stay and why people leave. Its too easy to criticize those that stay for lacking self esteem, just as it to criticize those that leave for lacking the moral fibre to fight for their relationships. The bottom line is that every person and every situation is different, and we should embrace those that stay and those that leave equally because they are just trying in good conscience to make decisions that will lead to happiness.

 

I for one would only stay if I thought our love was worth fighting for (as I did think in my marriage) but would leave if I felt I could not love my WS the same way again.

[Spark1111]

I made a thought out decision to stay after H had an A, I made an informed choice with all the details, after a long boundary setting, soul searching discussion with my H. NC was total, how do I know this? OW constantly telephoning our house to speak with H to get closure and various other telephone calls from her (long story).

 

Once D day had happened and H had told me about the A, the OW was not a factor in our discussion after the who, why questions. The focus was on reconciliation and us and our marriage.

 

I do not lack self esteem, but of course there is an initital why wasn't what we had enough? questions. For me, the question isn't so much why I stayed (I never left our marriage) but why he stayed when he could have left, with my support to separate our finances. I think if I were an OW, I would more question why the WS doesn't leave after a D Day and what would make me (hypothetical) want a MM who thought I would just slip into the OW role by default.

 

great post Seren!

 

I felt exactly the same way.

 

I to wondered about what the OW thought.

 

When she broke NC 2.5 years after DDAY, trying to guage his current level of interest, I became aware that she still REALLY did think he came home for whatever excuses he handed had handed her to let her down gently.

 

She still carried a torch for him because in her mind, he couldn't have returned to me for love.

 

It was sorta sad in retrospect. I also gave my H carte blanche to go live happily ever after with his soul mate.

 

Unfortunately, I know he never told her that.

[mzdolphin]

great post Seren!

 

I felt exactly the same way.

 

I to wondered about what the OW thought.

 

When she broke NC 2.5 years after DDAY, trying to guage his current level of interest, I became aware that she still REALLY did think he came home for whatever excuses he handed had handed her to let her down gently.

 

She still carried a torch for him because in her mind, he couldn't have returned to me for love.

 

It was sorta sad in retrospect. I also gave my H carte blanche to go live happily ever after with his soul mate.

 

Unfortunately, I know he never told her that.

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You don't know that. You don't even know that he's not still sleeping with her or someone else. For those who repair their marriages, Bravo. If a WS learns a lesson and changes for the better, Congrats. But to hear so many BS speak with certainty about their spouses is just crazy to me. These are the same people who lied to them on a daily basis and lied to another man or woman too, to get what they wanted. I guess I've seen enough (used to cover professional sports as a sports writer) to know that folks can lie, get caught, be faced with losing millions, and go right back to same behavior after the coast clear.

[Memphis Raines]

Or just projecting?

 

nah, she isn't projecting. she got involved with a married man, and is pissed off at the spouses because she got hurt.

 

its simply a stab at the people that she, and those like her, helped their married cheaters to hurt.

[Lizzie60]

Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious.

 

 

I think they stay mainly to keep the family together.. for the sake of the kids... plus everything they worked hard over the years.. house, pension, friends.. etc.. etc..

 

I remember with my first ex.. I was hoping he had an OW.. I was sick and tired to have sex with him.. I even told him to cheat.. I think that I could have stayed with him... but he refused.. he was upset of my proposal..

 

I think the best way to look at it, is to consent to an open relationship..

[Memphis Raines]

*sigh* so yes, projecting.

 

I suppose. but I was thinking more on the lines of her simply being angry at the wives of married men, like the one she has, that cheat.

[Snowflower]

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You don't know that. You don't even know that he's not still sleeping with her or someone else. For those who repair their marriages, Bravo. If a WS learns a lesson and changes for the better, Congrats. But to hear so many BS speak with certainty about their spouses is just crazy to me. These are the same people who lied to them on a daily basis and lied to another man or woman too, to get what they wanted. I guess I've seen enough (used to cover professional sports as a sports writer) to know that folks can lie, get caught, be faced with losing millions, and go right back to same behavior after the coast clear.

 

I'm sure Spark can speak for herself in her own situation but I would like to add that if I knew that my H had still harbored some desire to be with the OW (take that in anyone you wish) then I would have known and I would have left.

 

I knew something was wrong with my H when he was in his affair--even though I didn't know it was an affair at that point--so it makes sense to me at least that if he had continued his A after d-day, I would have figured that out too.

[silktricks]

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You don't know that. You don't even know that he's not still sleeping with her or someone else. For those who repair their marriages, Bravo. If a WS learns a lesson and changes for the better, Congrats. But to hear so many BS speak with certainty about their spouses is just crazy to me. These are the same people who lied to them on a daily basis and lied to another man or woman too, to get what they wanted. I guess I've seen enough (used to cover professional sports as a sports writer) to know that folks can lie, get caught, be faced with losing millions, and go right back to same behavior after the coast clear.

 

Yes, these are the same people, but the situation is completely different. I knew there was something wrong in the past. I asked him if he was having an affair, in fact. (He denied it, of course, and didn't fess up until later.) But nonetheless, though it was a shock to hear about it, it made sense of much of the craziness I'd felt.

 

For those of us who are sure, much of the reason we are sure is because of what we lived through pre-D-day. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I can speak for me and my husband. There is no way on earth that he is sleeping with anyone (but me), infatuated with anyone, or pining for anyone. I would recognize that there were problems just as I realized before that there were problems. There aren't. We're good.

 

I believe that Spark, Seren, and other fBS whose names escape me at the moment would probably have something similar to say.

 

For your last point - yes, there are a lot of people who will get caught, cover up and then once the coast is clear go right back to doing whatever they were doing pre-getting caught. But, those people also haven't wanted to change. They haven't done the work of figuring out why they did what they did, because they don't want to stop doing it.

[mzdolphin]

Yes, these are the same people, but the situation is completely different. I knew there was something wrong in the past. I asked him if he was having an affair, in fact. (He denied it, of course, and didn't fess up until later.) But nonetheless, though it was a shock to hear about it, it made sense of much of the craziness I'd felt.

 

For those of us who are sure, much of the reason we are sure is because of what we lived through pre-D-day. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I can speak for me and my husband. There is no way on earth that he is sleeping with anyone (but me), infatuated with anyone, or pining for anyone. I would recognize that there were problems just as I realized before that there were problems. There aren't. We're good.

 

I believe that Spark, Seren, and other fBS whose names escape me at the moment would probably have something similar to say.

 

For your last point - yes, there are a lot of people who will get caught, cover up and then once the coast is clear go right back to doing whatever they were doing pre-getting caught. But, those people also haven't wanted to change. They haven't done the work of figuring out why they did what they did, because they don't want to stop doing it.

 

----------------------------------------

 

I can speak to the last point. Even though I figured out something was wrong with my ex-husband. In counseling and therapy so much more came out that I didn't have a clue about and I'm pretty sharp, a journalist. So after a second time, I was fed up. I didn't even catch him actually cheating again, but he was communicating with folks via email, lamenting about not being able to cheat. It was clear to me that he was as unhappy as I was and no amount of therapy was going to change the fact that we wanted to live completely different lives.

 

But to your point, are you saying most BS know "something" isn't right, when the WS is cheating, they just don't know for sure that it's the cheating?

[seren]

Speaking only for myself, I knew that me and H were drifting in different directions before the A and during. The gaslighting drove me nuts, his changed behaviour had me baffled, yet we still laughed, loved and made plans, even though we both knew that something was not as it had been for all those years. I asked and asked what the matter was, answer, nothing. If he wanted to leave, answer, hell no, if there was someone else and if there was, I would rather he left than be unhappy, answer hell no. yet still something wasn't right. I now know all about the why's and I know all about the A, from not only H but also the OW. It all added up and it all made sense, finally.

 

I also know that neither I nor he thought to leave. That I have seen, read and experienced H's remorse, his changed behaviour and how he has learned to face problems rather than avoid them. I have also learned not to try and shield him from the world and by doing so, enabled him to avoid problems. We have changed, well more our communication methods, how we deal with things. We as people haven't changed from who we inherently were or are, but we both realised that nothing is stronger than what we feel for each other and that we came so close to losing us and our relationship.

 

The days after D Day aren't easy, for some, a divorce is the end result, that takes some doing. Staying takes some doing too. What has changed is that I no longer am one of those, it will never happen to me, women, it already has. Would I change anything? well I am so glad we are where we are today and I doubt we would have had the same in depth discussions without almost losing each other, I stay despite the A and because me and H have a dammed good, dammed happy relationship. I know I wouldn't forgive a second time and so does he. Had he wanted to leave or continue the A he wouldn't or needn't have told me what he had done.

 

Of course not all A's are the same, but equally, not all marriages are either. I don't knowingly sharing the man I love, I really don't understand why the OP stays in the A given they know they are sharing. Not being snarky, I don't get it.

[mzdolphin]

Of course not all A's are the same, but equally, not all marriages are either. I don't knowingly sharing the man I love, I really don't understand why the OP stays in the A given they know they are sharing. Not being snarky, I don't get it.

 

 

If you have to say you're not being snarky, then you probably are. I guess that depends on what the OP wants. Perhaps they don't want a committed relationship, just the sex. In that case a married man could be less trouble than a guy who is looking for a life-time partner.

 

Besides, married men who cheat aren't exactly the best catches. Even if they do leave their wives you still end up in a relationship with someone you know is a liar and a cheat.

[seren]

If you have to say you're not being snarky, then you probably are. I guess that depends on what the OP wants. Perhaps they don't want a committed relationship, just the sex. In that case a married man could be less trouble than a guy who is looking for a life-time partner.

 

Besides, married men who cheat aren't exactly the best catches. Even if they do leave their wives you still end up in a relationship with someone you know is a liar and a cheat.

 

Just to say that if I were being snarky then it wouldn't be half as polite. I don't do snarky, it isn't my way. It was said in an attempt to convey a genuine feeling. Please be assured if I wanted to be snarky I would be far less tactful.

[silktricks]

 

But to your point, are you saying most BS know "something" isn't right, when the WS is cheating, they just don't know for sure that it's the cheating?

 

I couldn't possibly say what "most BS" know. I can only tell you that I knew something was wrong then. Just as I know it is not now.

[Spark1111]

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You don't know that. You don't even know that he's not still sleeping with her or someone else. For those who repair their marriages, Bravo. If a WS learns a lesson and changes for the better, Congrats. But to hear so many BS speak with certainty about their spouses is just crazy to me. These are the same people who lied to them on a daily basis and lied to another man or woman too, to get what they wanted. I guess I've seen enough (used to cover professional sports as a sports writer) to know that folks can lie, get caught, be faced with losing millions, and go right back to same behavior after the coast clear.

 

I guess they could. I guess anyone could. It could happen in any new relationship as well.

 

There are no guarantees or certainties in life. I chose, eventually, to reunite with my spouse.

 

I made his life a living hell for a very long time because I needed tangible daily proof of his changed behavior if he had any expectation of reconciling. If I thought for five minutes he was unremorseful, blaming, and not taking ownership of his actions, or still in contact with his AP, I'd have been long gone.

 

I do not do crazy angry well, but I loved him enough to tell him to go be with his soulmate. It was the lying that killed me, not the feelings for another. We both know that if we thought we could do better or have more with another, well, there's the door. Happy Trails...

 

Today, we choose to be here in this relationship. But that could change tomorrow, for anyone, in any relationship, not just couples who haved successfully reconciled after infidelity.

 

I'm glad I did. And my self-esteem is off the charts most days.

[GorillaTheater]

Sometimes there are situations where there isn't much of choice, or at least no "good" options, as far as whether or not to stay with a cheater. I know a guy who's wife is BPD/NPD/insert your own alphabet soup, and has cheated on him at least three times that he knows of. I and others in his circle have advised him to document her behaviors, divorce and seek custody. But he won't risk it unless there's a 100% guarantee that he'll get full custody. Of course, no such guarantee could possibly exist.

 

He despises his "wife". Wants absolutely nothing to do with her whatsoever, and is sick beyond measure of putting up with her craziness and bizarre behavior. But he's determined to stay until his youngest is out of the house. Four more years of hell. He feels that he needs to protect the kids, to act as a shield between them and their mother, because he's scared to death of what might happen to the kids if he's NOT there (i.e., joint custody) to be a buffer and protector. She, for whatever reason, hasn't ever sought a divorce either.

 

There are worse things to have to endure in this life, but not too damn many.

[Owl]

Or because of an excellent foundation for the marriage to rebuild from. Sometimes the WS can learn from their insanity and the marriage can be rebuilt into something new, and excellent.

[reboot]

I stayed because I loved her. Sometimes it really is as simple as that.

[OldOnTheInside]

But to your point, are you saying most BS know "something" isn't right, when the WS is cheating, they just don't know for sure that it's the cheating?

Everybody acts differently. Inquisitive minds and all.

 

Me? I knew something was up. Mostly because my ex-wife was (and still is) comically bad at hiding things. It is still a giant leap in logic to think "Oh, my wife is acting differently, obviously she is effing another man on the side, but sometimes the most obvious answer is the correct one."

 

So why are some BSs completely ignorant? Trust is probably the most "healthy" thing. You think "I love her, she isn't that type of person, she wouldn't purposefully hurt me...blah blah blah...oh, big surprise!!!"

 

Maybe some denial. Apathy. A big mess of emotions.

[rafallus]

Or because of an excellent foundation for the marriage to rebuild from. Sometimes the WS can learn from their insanity and the marriage can be rebuilt into something new, and excellent.

 

Hope dies last.