Memphis Raines Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 True. The OP could just as well have asked why the cheating spouse doesn't have the self confidence to get divorced before having sexual relations outside the marriage. well its obvious this OW dropped her comment and ran. And although I won't post over in the "other" forum, looks like she is concerned about "judgement":rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Baroness67 Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 I've posted this before, but will again. I stayed in my marriage despite a WS because I refused to let my life implode over an affair. I had seen it happen to my parents, and, as an adult, I refused to let one series of bad decisions pour over into a ton of new ones. I had to let go emotionally of a lot of expectations I'd thought I had about our marriage - what marriage is vs. what love is, etc. and mentally rearrange it quite a bit for myself, but once I did, things became a great deal calmer. A present father for my children, good provider and stable home were ultimately more important to me to maintain than making sure my husband stayed "my boyfriend who brought me flowers." (Which is all well and good, I truly envy married couples who keep the love! But it just didn't work out in my case. At least not so far. We're going for friendship and mutual respect at the moment, which seems good these days. Stuff doesn't heal overnight.) Basically, I was not going to let an affair overtake and steal the life I feel I have worked very hard to create. The words of the Meryl Streep's character in One True Thing resonated for me - when Renee Zellwegger's character asks her mother why she put up with her father and all his imperfections all those years, she tells her daughter that there is no understanding the lengths you will go to to protect the life you have built for your family, until you are there yourself. And I find this true in my situation. I stayed ... because I stayed. Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Why does the BS stay in the marriage? There's no marriage to stay in, the marriage contract was breached the second one partner decided to cheat. Staying together is a different matter and I have no idea why anyone would. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 There's no marriage to stay in, the marriage contract was breached the second one partner decided to cheat. Yep, that's the spot. Staying together is a different matter and I have no idea why anyone would. Fear. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Oh my goodness i am so so sorry if this was inappropriate. Have you become a mod? I'm going to ask you a question and you can choose to answer if you like. So did you ever regain your self esteem since you were cheated on? Has your self esteem not come back since you have chosen to be someones mistress? hmmm... kristismiles...I am not a mistress and never went through whatever drama most people in affairs have gone through. I never lost my self-esteem. I said, at that young age with a newborn and estranged from my family, I lack the self-confidence-not "lost". I am pretty sure you can discern the difference between the terms (losing and lacking and self-esteem and self-confidence). If not,I can't be bothered to explain, you are going to have to google it;). And to answer your question, I have no reason not to feel good about myself-self-esteem intact .. Unlike many here, my self-esteem is not dependent upon a man loving me or being faithful to me-too many good men more than willing to sweep me off my feet to pine for someone who is incapable of loving me the way I want to be loved. My lack of self-confidence at that time stemmed from my worry about what kind of life I can provide for my daughter. As it turned out, I can provide for her very well. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 the "forum war" was started by the OP. it was a statement, not a question. OP is an OW that wanted to take a jab at people in the infidelity forum that have been betrayed. notice how she dropped this so called question of curiosity in this forum and never replied back, much less to even say something like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend, it was a geniune question, not a poke at those that have been cheated on" I do not know the OP personally. Actually I do not even know her story here on LS. I answered the question because I think many are curious as to why indeed BSs stay in the marriage. It looks like you know her..so I guess I would have to defer to you....otherwise, it is anybody's guess why she posted this question or where she is. Link to post Share on other sites
carrie999 Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 well serious now that was not a real question was it? For reeeelz? That was just one big put down to wives. Silly ow's think they play the little toy on the side and then the wife won't want them? It's so silly. Young, silly, naive women who just want to feel loved but are actually being abused and used. Hmmm...aren't people who accept affairs being used and abused as well? I'm not talking about people like Lorelai, who choose to stay and work it out after the affair. But accepting that your husband/wife is cheating with a "silly toy on the side" and staying? I don't think that shows respect to either the BS or the AP. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Okay, I've looked back at some of your posts and seen you talking of things others have done, and their reasoning as to why; and recouting things that have happened to people when you couldn't possibly have verified it yourself. I don't think we need your suggested approach that we discount anything and everything, ever, because it's only 'in that moment' and therefore not factual. It would make a relationship discussion forum untenable. Okay can you just lead me to some posts of mine where I have done this? I started looking for some myself but I don't want to spend all night reading my own posts, so if you could just point some out to me it would really save me some time. I don't doubt that I may have taken a stab from time to time at guessing at another person's reasons but I'm quite sure I would have used words like maybe or perhaps, not stated it as fact. If I am wrong please point it out to me. I didn't say we should discount anything and everything someone else tells us about themselves. I just pointed out that it is impossible to know with 100% certainity what somebody else thinks and feels and what their reasoning is. Did the BW give you that list of reasons for staying? Did you two sit down and have a heart to heart about her deepest feelings and thoughts? Or did you make that list up based on what your mm has told you about her? Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Okay can you just lead me to some posts of mine where I have done this? I started looking for some myself but I don't want to spend all night reading my own posts, so if you could just point some out to me it would really save me some time. You talked about personal things that happened to your stepdad. Things between your son and his gf and what motivated her to be violent to him. I also see a LOT of posts where you 'translate' a posters narrative in to the 'truth'. i.e. "he's saying this, but this part of it is clearly a lie" and that kind of thing. I didn't say we should discount anything and everything someone else tells us about themselves. I just pointed out that it is impossible to know with 100% certainity what somebody else thinks and feels and what their reasoning is. Did the BW give you that list of reasons for staying? Did you two sit down and have a heart to heart about her deepest feelings and thoughts? Or did you make that list up based on what your mm has told you about her? It's from things I have read that she has written, her attitude on the phone, conversations she has had with her husband when she was trying to get him to stay, the way she lives her life, from talking with people who have known her a dozen years, her behaviour since he left, and all sorts of stuff... Enough to have a fairly good understanding. Not sure why it offends you, to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorelei_Lane Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Hmmm...aren't people who accept affairs being used and abused as well? I'm not talking about people like Lorelai, who choose to stay and work it out after the affair. But accepting that your husband/wife is cheating with a "silly toy on the side" and staying? I don't think that shows respect to either the BS or the AP. Your post confuses me a bit, maybe you can clear it up for me? How am I different by choosing to stay? Are you saying those that know their husband/wife is cheating and don't confront them on it are being used and abused? Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 And where is the OP? I stayed... WGAF why I stayed? who said that I had to explain my stance in my own R to anyone? But why don't we ask these MM/MW why do THEY stay. Most people stay in a M for a thousand and one reasons. Most people jump the affairmobile for very few. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 I do not know the OP personally. Actually I do not even know her story here on LS. I answered the question because I think many are curious as to why indeed BSs stay in the marriage. oh indeed many are curious about the question when honestly posed. just not the OP. she just wanted to drop a load and run. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Why does a BS have to fight for someone who doesn't give a damn about them in the first place. The WS was the one who gave up everything but having an affair. They're the one's who gave up. Come on now, let's be realistic. Good point. And that's why my husband fought for me. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 oh indeed many are curious about the question when honestly posed. How does one "honestly posed" a question like this? I contend that whatever/however way it is asked somebody somewhere will get offended. just not the OP. she just wanted to drop a load and run. Perhaps. I do not know her circumstance, unlike you, apparently. Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious. I'm curious why people who are curious always make THAT assumption. Certainly, there's a period after discovering an affair that the BS wonders if they're nuts or something. For me, that involved wondering what the heck went wrong, wanting 2 know why my W would cheat, and what could I do 2 improve things for my family. I also contemplated kicking her 2 the curb - many times, but I chose not 2. Remember that the start of an affair for the WS and the BS are far different experiences. The WS may be excited with the newness and sneaking around, which probably conflicts with their guilt for a little while (until they get in2 the excitement and start rewriting their marital his2ry so that's okay), whereas the BS is oblivious (usually) that anything is going on. Just that their marriage is mediocre, perhaps (that's what I thought at the time the affair was under way). At d-day, the BS' whole world has been torn apart, whereas for the WS, the only thing that's changed is that the secret is no more. I think both parties could be lacking in the self-confidence or worth departments. One of the reasons people have affairs is that they perceive something 2 be missing within their marriage. If that isn't a feeling of low worth, I don't know what is. -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Why does a BS have to fight for someone who doesn't give a damn about them in the first place. The WS was the one who gave up everything but having an affair. They're the one's who gave up. Come on now, let's be realistic. I actually agree with this statement to some degree. It was beneath me to even make my then H explain why he cheated nor ask him to stop. It was not important to me his reasons for cheating-only that he did and that was the end of "us". However, "realistically", as evidenced by the sad and painful stories we read here everyday, many, if not most, BS want their WS to give up the affair and start all over again-thus the demand for NC, the demand for "openness" etc.etc. those are ways of "fighting" for your H, or your marriage. Nothing wrong with it, we fight for what we value. To each his own. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 The bolded is so so true. I pined for my XAP for a WHOLE year after the A ended and no one, not even my friends knew. As far as my perspective from being a BS and why I am staying. At first it was for the kids, now I am starting to have feelings for my H again and we get along great, have great sex and what not. I like tami-chans post especially this part If and when I feel my M has taken a turn for the worst I will most likely leave. For one I could not tolerate another A from my H if I were ever to discover it. One more A from him = DIVORCE and HE knows this. Hey LD. I am so glad to read about your and your H. WOW. So happy for you!!! to answer the original question....I think you are making a sweeping judgment and being stereotypical. Are you an OW because you have lack of self-confidence / self-worth? People who reconcile their marriage have history - dating history, engagement, marriage, kids, plans for the future. For the most part, way more 'time together' than a affair person. Maybe next time, if you really are wondering and not trying to bait people or cause issues, you could ask the question with a little more respect to the people who have reconciled their marriages - the people who took the time and the emotions needed to forgive and move forward; as opposed to a cheating who drops his pants for a hit and run with a mistress. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 I'm curious why people who are curious always make THAT assumption. Certainly, there's a period after discovering an affair that the BS wonders if they're nuts or something. For me, that involved wondering what the heck went wrong, wanting 2 know why my W would cheat, and what could I do 2 improve things for my family. I also contemplated kicking her 2 the curb - many times, but I chose not 2. Remember that the start of an affair for the WS and the BS are far different experiences. The WS may be excited with the newness and sneaking around, which probably conflicts with their guilt for a little while (until they get in2 the excitement and start rewriting their marital his2ry so that's okay), whereas the BS is oblivious (usually) that anything is going on. Just that their marriage is mediocre, perhaps (that's what I thought at the time the affair was under way). At d-day, the BS' whole world has been torn apart, whereas for the WS, the only thing that's changed is that the secret is no more. I think both parties could be lacking in the self-confidence or worth departments. One of the reasons people have affairs is that they perceive something 2 be missing within their marriage. If that isn't a feeling of low worth, I don't know what is. -ol' 2long I think the assumption comes from the many stories we hear (especially a BW) who stay in the marriage despite a philandering husband. If the wife is a housewife, an affair is a big jolt to one's security-emotional and financial. So it is not abnormal to feel a little less confident about moving forward. BTW, lacking in self-worth is not the same as not feeling valued in a marriage. A husband who feels not valued in a marriage and chooses to have an affair might not be lacking in self worth. On the contrary,he might actually feel like he deserves more than what he is getting at home (whatever it is) because he is a good provider, a patient and loving man, etc,etc. who is dissatisfied at home. Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Love is an emotion and therefore volatile. You need more than love to make a relationship work, we all know that. Yes, romantic love IS an emotion, and so volatile is a reasonably good way 2 characterize it. Real love, however, is a choice, and not fleeting like romantic love. Real love is the missing ingredient from romantic love that sustains committed relationships. Affairees don't have that kind of love. -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 I kind of hate to admit it, but a big part of why I stayed was curiousity. Link to post Share on other sites
blizzard Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 I will never understand why one stays. At times I wonder if BS really does "know" their spouses like they say they do...if love and knowing their spouse best is a true basis for staying. If my husband professed his love and made promises to his AP like MM did to me...I would not, as a BS, stay with my husband. I wouldn't "know" that person that was capable of dishing out those kinds of lies. I wouldn't want to stay with someone so deceitful and hurtful...lying to OW and lying to me...BS. As for time investment...what is time when the person you loved was investing his "time" with another being intimate, with promises and I love yous. Whether he meant it or not, I couldn't fathom someone I love saying it to another. I'm not sure why some BS are offended by the OP question about self confidence. Given the situation, I would think it would be a normal reaction to feel afraid, uncertain and not so strong to handle leaving. It's a huge life changing decision for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 I will never understand why one stays. At times I wonder if BS really does "know" their spouses like they say they do...if love and knowing their spouse best is a true basis for staying. If my husband professed his love and made promises to his AP like MM did to me...I would not, as a BS, stay with my husband. I wouldn't "know" that person that was capable of dishing out those kinds of lies. I wouldn't want to stay with someone so deceitful and hurtful...lying to OW and lying to me...BS. As for time investment...what is time when the person you loved was investing his "time" with another being intimate, with promises and I love yous. Whether he meant it or not, I couldn't fathom someone I love saying it to another. I'm not sure why some BS are offended by the OP question about self confidence. Given the situation, I would think it would be a normal reaction to feel afraid, uncertain and not so strong to handle leaving. It's a huge life changing decision for everyone. Are you married? Do you have kids? If the answer is no, then yes, you will never understand. Link to post Share on other sites
blizzard Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Yes, I am married to stbx. And yes, I have children. Yes, I have been an OW during our seperation. And yes, I have been a BS. And yes, I still don't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Honestly, I think a BS might stay for the exact reasons the cheatingH doesn't leave. It may be comfort, could be the kids, finances, the lack of desire to start over, the shame associated with divorce- but it could also be that the foundations are strong enough to keep two people together. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 I think it is odd that not many (or maybe even no one) mention that they still loved their WS and hoped things would get better. I think that that is most people's true reasoning but it is like we are too embarassed to admit it. Link to post Share on other sites
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