Why does the BS stay in the marriage?

[PinkInTheLimo]

Some people face challenges through raising children together, others through medical or financial crisis, and still others through infidelity.

 

I don't think you can compare infidelity with other dramas which happen in a relationship. In the case of a medical or financial crisis, it's the couple against the world/life/"them". In the case of infidelity, one spouse turns against the other. That makes it a lot worse in my opinion. That's also why I doubt if I could forgive it. My partner has to be my best friend and a friend does not betray you.

Infidelity is not something which "happens" to a couple, it is something the WS does to the BS.

[mzdolphin]

Bang! This hits it right on the head for me as well. My child was a contributing factor but the primary reason was my confusion and fear of the unknown. I think maybe my love for my child contributed more to my not killing myself as I didn't want to leave him with that kind of legacy.

 

I first found out my ex husband was cheating when our son was an infant. I was overwhelmed, and he agreed to therapy. I stayed. Five years later, he was cheating again. I divorced him. Not just because he was cheating (a lot) but I realized that he only stopped because he was caught.

 

Five years later I found myself in a relationship with an old flame (we were single when we met 18 years ago) who turned out to be still married. He had been living apart (in another state) from his wife for about five years. He had presented himself as divorced. When I first found out I broke it off and later informed his wife (he insisted he was only married because she refused to give him a divorce). Months later he called again. We resumed a relationship for a few months before I ended it again. FF two years and he stays in contact, says he loves me. I admit to reading to and responding to his messages, but I've refused to see him. I wonder sometimes, why she stays. But that's her decision and their marriage. You never really know what goes on in people's marriages, no matter what they tell you. People were stunned about my marriage. We had money, mansion, great kids and appeared to be happy. I was miserable leaving with his constant cheating.

[Spark1111]

Not to bash the BS but one of the things I have noticed is that during reconciliation all the BS talks about is how great and remorseful and sad and forgiving and human their WS is

 

 

and then when divorce hits, it's all about how WS is conniving, manipulative, narcisstic etc.

 

So, it seems to me the BS comments for why they should or should not stay can be a little self-serving, if not naive.

 

Absolutely no different than OW who are thrown under the bus on DDAY.

 

Ahhhh, love is blind, isn't it?

[PinkInTheLimo]

I'm sure a number of BS stay because of some territorial urge. In the sense of "It's a cheater but it's my cheater and not yours!" That's what in my eyes seems to be the case for Hillary Clinton, Maria Shriver and now recently the French politician Strauss-Kahn.

Do we really believe for example that Bill no longer cheats on Hillary? I would not bet a lot of money on it.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm sure a number of BS stay because of some territorial urge. In the sense of "It's a cheater but it's my cheater and not yours!" That's what in my eyes seems to be the case for Hillary Clinton, Maria Shriver and now recently the French politician Strauss-Kahn.

Do we really believe for example that Bill no longer cheats on Hillary? I would not bet a lot of money on it.

 

Not on an entirely different tack, is there also the feeling of loss of control? Feeling as though one's strings are being pulled and wanting to get the power (in one's own life) back? I know of a couple (close friends of close friends) who reconciled and once he'd recommitted to the marriage she ended things, despite his best efforts, because she was READY to make a decision. Prior to the A she was uncertain they had a future (pretty sure they'd been together about 9 yrs) but on the fallout she did not want to be forced to take a decision. They lasted 2 years post-affair and she regrets what she perceives as a 'waste' of her time and wishes she had ended things way back when.

[Memphis Raines]

Not to bash the BS but one of the things I have noticed is that during reconciliation all the BS talks about is how great and remorseful and sad and forgiving and human their WS is

 

 

and then when divorce hits, it's all about how WS is conniving, manipulative, narcisstic etc.

 

probably because thats how they saw their WS while trying to reconcile. Trying to see the good in them and give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

Then the true colors come out which is more than likely why a divorce follows the attempt at reconciliation.

 

You have to remember, a cheater is very good at manipulation and trying to turn it around on the BS. gaslighting.

 

 

So, it seems to me the BS comments for why they should or should not stay can be a little self-serving, if not naive.

 

so you are going to get down on BS's who have been basically mentally abused, and calling them self-serving. as if the cheater didn't self serve them to a little side ass? come on.

[nyrias]

I have to say I don't agree.

 

Human beings are "social creatures" and part of what makes this run smoothly is the ability to put others before the self.

 

Both generalization is wrong. Some people are selfish. Some are less so. Some put others before the self.

 

Dont expect humanity to be 100% this or that.

[on1wheel]

For me it was my then baby. I made a promise when she drew her first breath that I would do ANYTHING in my power to protect her from pain & harm. It is not her fault that her mother decided that what she wanted was more important than whather of us needed. So when my W was truly remorseful, swore it would never happen again & swore she would do whatever to try & make it up to me; well my daughter's happiness comes B4 my own. I would have left & D'd her, just like I did an ex-fiancè, but this was not just me anymore. So I stayed & have let my W try to make it up to me. I am still F_cked up by it some days, but my daughter is a happy, intelligent 5 year old, that is sooo much better off for having Mommy & Daddy under the same roof. My job is to care for her, not me. That's the difference between a father & a single man. I am a selfless man & proud of it. Cheers.

[y2k]

Why does the BS stay in the marriage? Is it lack of self-confidence/self-worth? I am just curious.

 

Yes.

 

It may not be easy for some people to be able to find someone else if they left their cheating spouse. These people have no self-confidence.

 

Any woman/man with self-confidence ends any marriage/relationship once they're cheated on. It just comes as automatic to those with high self-esteem. To others.......I can't say the same. It's a shame. I feel for those who stay. I only wish they attained a sense of self-worth.

[Owl]

Yes.

 

It may not be easy for some people to be able to find someone else if they left their cheating spouse. These people have no self-confidence.

 

Any woman/man with self-confidence ends any marriage/relationship once they're cheated on. It just comes as automatic to those with high self-esteem. To others.......I can't say the same. It's a shame. I feel for those who stay. I only wish they attained a sense of self-worth.

 

Pure malarky and uniformed opinion on your part.

 

You don't know all those people who did choose to stay, and given that your opinion on their self-esteem (or lack thereof) is an uneducated guess at best.

 

I stayed. Ask anyone who knows me IRL, and trust me...they'll tell you there's NOTHING wrong with my ego or sense of self-worth.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes.

 

It may not be easy for some people to be able to find someone else if they left their cheating spouse. These people have no self-confidence.

 

Any woman/man with self-confidence ends any marriage/relationship once they're cheated on. It just comes as automatic to those with high self-esteem. To others.......I can't say the same. It's a shame. I feel for those who stay. I only wish they attained a sense of self-worth.

 

 

Where are your studies to back up your theory. Because until you have proof...all you have is a theory(guesstimation).

[nyrias]

Where are your studies to back up your theory. Because until you have proof...all you have is a theory(guesstimation).

 

http://www.ehow.com/info_8088303_divorce-rate-cheating-spouses.html

 

"The survey (by University of Chicago) concluded that only 35 percent of marriages survived the revelation of infidelity, although the survey had no way of determining whether infidelity was the sole cause, or even the principle cause, of acknowledged divorces."

[bentnotbroken]

http://www.ehow.com/info_8088303_divorce-rate-cheating-spouses.html

 

"The survey (by University of Chicago) concluded that only 35 percent of marriages survived the revelation of infidelity, although the survey had no way of determining whether infidelity was the sole cause, or even the principle cause, of acknowledged divorces."

 

 

I tried to find the peer reviewed journal this was published in so that I could get the sample size and research methods. I couldn't find it. Do you have that information? Thanks.

[Owl]

http://www.ehow.com/info_8088303_divorce-rate-cheating-spouses.html

 

"The survey (by University of Chicago) concluded that only 35 percent of marriages survived the revelation of infidelity, although the survey had no way of determining whether infidelity was the sole cause, or even the principle cause, of acknowledged divorces."

 

I'll accept that 35% fact.

 

Now show me where that 35% consisted of only those where the BS lacked self-confidence and self-worth enough to go find someone else.

[What_Next]

Nonsense, like Owl, I have stayed (thus far) and I have NO issues with self confidence or self esteem. That is a generalized statement and pure nonsense. You are simply ignorant of the facts and are making sweeping generalizations.

 

As for this study, I cannot dispute it as I have not read it, but I might hazard to say it is less than 35%, as it takes a very special set of circumstances and people involved to survive intact. That percentage by itself means little to nothing though. What does it prove besides the fact that cheating is the equivalent of a bomb going off in a marriage, largely common sense though, correct?

[nyrias]

I'll accept that 35% fact.

 

Now show me where that 35% consisted of only those where the BS lacked self-confidence and self-worth enough to go find someone else.

 

What? do i look like a research assistant to you? I am posting to provide some more info to facilitate the discussion. The person who makes the original point (NOT ME) should provide evidence for his argument.

[nyrias]

Nonsense, like Owl, I have stayed (thus far) and I have NO issues with self confidence or self esteem. That is a generalized statement and pure nonsense. You are simply ignorant of the facts and are making sweeping generalizations.

 

As for this study, I cannot dispute it as I have not read it, but I might hazard to say it is less than 35%, as it takes a very special set of circumstances and people involved to survive intact. That percentage by itself means little to nothing though. What does it prove besides the fact that cheating is the equivalent of a bomb going off in a marriage, largely common sense though, correct?

 

You are a single data point. You cannot generalize either way except that the number is less than 35%.

[Owl]

What? do i look like a research assistant to you? I am posting to provide some more info to facilitate the discussion. The person who makes the original point (NOT ME) should provide evidence for his argument.

 

So how does your information facilitate the argument?

 

How does it support or detract from the initial claim...or what does it have to do with the discussion about WHY people stay?

 

Not calling you out here...I'm just not sure where the 35% has to do with this recent claim.

[What_Next]

You are a single data point.

 

Really? Sorry I thought I was more than that.... Geez someone should have stayed in Darwin's waiting room.

[OldOnTheInside]

Really? Sorry I thought I was more than that.... Geez someone should have stayed in Darwin's waiting room.

 

You're an individual. As relevant or irrelevant as anyone else on LS. Does that make you feel better?

 

Seriously, the analytical and scientific mindset, while relevant in an analytical and scientific environment, is just awkward in any other environment.

 

So how does your information facilitate the argument?

 

How does it support or detract from the initial claim...or what does it have to do with the discussion about WHY people stay?

We have learnt that BSes that decide to stay in their marriage are the minority. The question should be: Why are we the minority? The potential answers are numerous.

 

To stay on topic, I stayed because my wife was severely mentally ill for a period of 3 years. It certainly not due to a lack of self-esteem. So there is one potential reason why the BS stays. Responsibility to others...or because of a burden from others. Either way.

Edited May 31, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[Owl]

Or because there was sufficient foundation in the relationship to re-establish trust and rebuild a new (or rebuild the existing, I don't care to argue the difference between the two for those that feel there is one) marriage with their partner.

 

Not just one, or two, or even three reasons. There could be many.

 

But...I want to point out that these reasons don't have to be "negative" ones.

 

I didn't stay because I felt I couldn't do better...I didn't stay out of any sense of responsibility to anyone. I stayed because I had enough emotional investment in this relationship, and a belief that it could be repaired/recovered/rebuilt, that I felt that staying in this relationship was far away the better choice than divorcing.

 

No negatives required.

[OldOnTheInside]

Or because there was sufficient foundation in the relationship to re-establish trust and rebuild a new (or rebuild the existing, I don't care to argue the difference between the two for those that feel there is one) marriage with their partner.

Sure, after my xW balanced herself out, we reconciled for the same reasons. To think that people stay for entirely negative or positive reasons is rather naive.

 

...and I don't know whether having a sense of responsibility for others is entirely negative. IMO it's just another part of life.

[What_Next]

You're an individual. As relevant or irrelevant as anyone else on LS. Does that make you feel better?

 

Oh much better... HA.

 

Singling out "a" reason to stay or "a" reason to go is like trying to pick a single reason why you fell in love in the first place.

 

Each person finds their own reasons to seperate or to reconcile after an affair. To me it's as simple as that.

[Linda9999]

Each person finds their own reasons to seperate or to reconcile after an affair. To me it's as simple as that.

 

It sure is that simple, and that complicated

 

Saying that, since only 35% of marriages survive infidelity, those who stay have no self esteem is like saying that because you post idiocy on Loveshack you have a small penis. The two are not related.

[OldOnTheInside]

because you post idiocy on Loveshack you have a small penis.

 

How did you know my secret?