A Survey of Our Failed Relationships

[magda]

There are a lot of people on this board with experience in failed relationships. I notice a few people like me, as well, who are hopeful about their relationships and commited to making them work. Sometimes looking back on relationships, playing them like a movie in my mind, I see things that were pretty strong indicators that it was destined to fail. But my experience with long-term relationships is limited. I managed to get out of the others in a relatively short amount of time, so I'm trying to figure out what goes wrong in relationships that start out with a lot of promise, last for years, and then burn out. I have some specific questions that I hope to get a few thoughtful & reflective answers to, because they seem they might be important factors.. please answer as many as you feel comfortable, or post anything else that comes to mind that might be helpful!

 

I want to know what happens to couples in love that makes the relationship stop.

 

My Questions:

 

• How long did you date before commiting?
  
• What was your age when you commited and how much previuos relationship experience did you have?
  
• How long were you together?
  
• Did you both talk about being together forever?
  
• Did you marry? Have children? (Or plan to?)
  
• On a scale of 1-10, how well did your SO really know and understand you?
  
• Looking back, are there any early signs of the trouble that ended your relatinoship that you now see? What were they & how did you handle them when they first arose?
  
• How commited would you say you both were to the relationship? Did this change when conflict arose?
  
• Did you often have serious discussions about your feelings/goals/fears/&tc? Did this change as time passed?
  
• How supported & encouraged did your SO make you feel? How much effort did you make to support & encourage?
  
• Do you think you loved each other equally?
  
• How was the sex, 1-10? How frequent? How comfortable & uninhibited were you? Was it fun? How did this change towards the end?
  
• Did you keep any big secrets from your SO (or try to?) If so, did you feel guilty about this?
  
• What mistakes did you make with your SO? How did your attitudes and reactions make problems worse?
  
• What situations out of either of your control tested the relationship? Do you think that if those things had not happened you would still be together?
  
• Did you work hard enough?
  
• Would you say that the love stopped?
  
• From your present perspective, was it ever really love?
  
• What will you do (or did you do) differently to have a good, commited relationship & make it last a lifetime? (That is, assuming you want another LT relationship. If you don't, what has discouraged you?)

[Arabess]

[*]How long did you date before commiting? 6 months

[*]What was your age when you commited and how much previuos relationship experience did you have?

Both at an age where age isn't a factor

[*]How long were you together?2.5 years

[*]Did you both talk about being together forever?Yes

[*]Did you marry? Have children? (Or plan to?)

We planned to marry

[*]On a scale of 1-10, how well did your SO really know and understand you?10

[*]Looking back, are there any early signs of the trouble that ended your relatinoship that you now see? What were they & how did you handle them when they first arose?I 'overlooked' the problem of him being legally divorced. I thought a legal separation was good enough.

[*]How commited would you say you both were to the relationship? Did this change when conflict arose?

We were both very committed. Had the war not happened, we would be married today. We did NOT handle the stress of him being deployed during a war very well.

[*]Did one of you try harder than the other?

No one tried. It became a contest of wills....and we both lost.

[*]Did you often have serious discussions about your feelings/goals/fears/&tc? Did this change as time passed?

The relationship went from a 10 to a 1 overnight. There was no gradual slide.

[*]How supported & encouraged did your SO make you feel?

He was very supportive and encouraging.

[*]Do you think you loved each other equally?Yes....and we will forever.

[*]How was the sex, 1-10? How frequent? How comfortable & uninhibited were you? Was it fun? How did this change towards the end?

10 - 10 - 10 - 10!!!!!!!!!!!

[*]Did you keep any big secrets from your SO (or try to?) If so, did you feel guilty about this?

No....but HE sure did.

[*]What mistakes did you make with your SO? How did your attitudes and reactions make problems worse?

Both being too hard headed to say we were sorry....and neither of us will EVER say it.

 

[*]What situations out of either of your control tested the relationship? Do you think that if those things had not happened you would still be together?The war and ohhhhh....the BIG factor...his legal wife.

Yes, without those two things...we would still be together.

[*]Would you say that the love stopped?Never did.....never will.

[*]From your present perspective, was it ever really love?Yes

[*]What will you do (or did you do) differently to have a good, commited relationship & make it last a lifetime? (That is, assuming you want another LT relationship. If you don't, what has discouraged you?)I doubt I would ever love in that capacity again. I don't have enough energy, nor do they brew beer fast enough for me to get through another break up.

[gaia]

Arabess, that is so sad. Is there really no way back?

[Stone]

I have had 3 long term relationships in my life the first was in High School I dated this guy for 3 years but as we got older we just grew apart that one ended well.

 

My second relationship was for 5 years and it was a complete nightmare looking back i have no idea why we stayed in it so long. We we're both unhappy but afraid to break up due to security reasons. We didn't know how to live on our own without the other, we financially needed each other, then I got pregnant after 3 years and I thought that our son would keep us together ( what an idiot I was) and then the baby heard fighting all the time,in the end he just wasn't my friend anymore. I didn't like him never the less love him. When we first got togeather we partied our asses off. DAY and Night so when I had the baby I stopped he didn't.I ended the relationship. But Again, I shouldn't have assumed that a child would make someone stop partying or grow up for that matter. So I learned a very hard lesson.

 

My current relationship is Great, My b/f is my best friend and he loves my child as his own. and on a scale from 1-10 he is a 10 he knows me inside and out. and we make sure we "talk' about our future and our goals and what we can do to reach them every night.

 

bottom line I think it is important that your SO is your best friend.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by gaia

Arabess, that is so sad. Is there really no way back?

 

HAHA....No....crawling over his larger than life wife is too much trouble. Pun intended.

[UCFKevin]

How long did you date before commiting? About two weeks, if that.

 

What was your age when you commited and how much previuos relationship experience did you have? I was 21. Not much. Longest before was 3 months.

 

How long were you together? 2.5 years

 

Did you both talk about being together forever? yup

 

Did you marry? Have children? (Or plan to?) Nope.

 

On a scale of 1-10, how well did your SO really know and understand you? 8ish

 

Looking back, are there any early signs of the trouble that ended your relatinoship that you now see? What were they & how did you handle them when they first arose? Oh yes. Lack of sex, lack of communication, I was selfish and stupid about it.

 

How commited would you say you both were to the relationship? Did this change when conflict arose? Extremely/yes.

 

Did you often have serious discussions about your feelings/goals/fears/&tc? Did this change as time passed? Not really. That was the main problem.

 

How supported & encouraged did your SO make you feel? How much effort did you make to support & encourage? Very/very.

 

Do you think you loved each other equally? Yes.

 

How was the sex, 1-10? How frequent? How comfortable & uninhibited were you? Was it fun? How did this change towards the end? 8ish, a few times a week, if that, towards the end, very comfortable, very fun but it became a chore towards the end to actually get it going.

 

Did you keep any big secrets from your SO (or try to?) If so, did you feel guilty about this? Nope.

 

What mistakes did you make with your SO? How did your attitudes and reactions make problems worse? I was selfish. Didn't talk enough. Put enough effort into it. DIdn't realize my problems until it was too late.

 

What situations out of either of your control tested the relationship? Do you think that if those things had not happened you would still be together? Meaning, they didn't have to do with things we directly did? I dunno. Nothing really happened.

 

Did you work hard enough? At the end, I did all I could. Everything. I didn't half ass it at all. But before it went sour, I didn't work hard at all. Sadly.

 

Would you say that the love stopped? Yes.

 

From your present perspective, was it ever really love? Yes.

 

What will you do (or did you do) differently to have a good, commited relationship & make it last a lifetime? (That is, assuming you want another LT relationship. If you don't, what has discouraged you?) Communicate. Trust. Listen. Do things. Not be lazy.

[Girlie]

How long did you date before commiting? I know I have a problem in this area. I jump in way too fast. In this case, it was probably a couple of weeks.

 

What was your age when you commited and how much previuos relationship experience did you have? 27, and have had plenty of experience thought most of it has been very, very troubling.

 

How long were you together? 10 months now.

 

Did you both talk about being together forever? Absolutely.

 

Did you marry? Have children? (Or plan to?) Yes to plan both.

 

On a scale of 1-10, how well did your SO really know and understand you? Very, very well. Probably about an 8 or a 9. I confide everything and let myself open up.

 

Looking back, are there any early signs of the trouble that ended your relatinoship that you now see? What were they & how did you handle them when they first arose? I'm still with this person trying to make it work, but definitely signs of trouble. Namely another girl and signs of being emotionally unavailable.

 

How commited would you say you both were to the relationship? Did this change when conflict arose? I would say I'm extremly committed. I would also say I am torn and confused as to his commitment. When conflict arises, I usually end up being the one try to smooth things over, while he gets angry and tells me I can take things the way they are or leave.

 

Did you often have serious discussions about your feelings/goals/fears/&tc? Did this change as time passed? I think you do in the beginning, but after a while you just give up. If no one is listening, there's no use talking.

 

How supported & encouraged did your SO make you feel? How much effort did you make to support & encourage? It depends on what we're talking about. As far as words go, I've never met anyone who can be more charming or supportive. Actions are a whole different issue.

 

Do you think you loved each other equally? No.

 

How was the sex, 1-10? How frequent? How comfortable & uninhibited were you? Was it fun? How did this change towards the end? Pretty frequent at first, but died down due to things like stress and depression.

 

Did you keep any big secrets from your SO (or try to?) If so, did you feel guilty about this? Not really. I pretty much confided anything and everything.

 

What mistakes did you make with your SO? How did your attitudes and reactions make problems worse? I am a very emotional person and more than willing to admit that. I know my reactions to certain situations can definitely be disproportional and I think it can definitely add fuel to the fire.

 

What situations out of either of your control tested the relationship? Do you think that if those things had not happened you would still be together? I can't say there is anything out of either of our control that gets in the way of anything.

 

Did you work hard enough? YES.

 

Would you say that the love stopped? Not for me, though I question whether he is in love to begin with.

 

From your present perspective, was it ever really love? Absolutely.

 

What will you do (or did you do) differently to have a good, commited relationship & make it last a lifetime? (That is, assuming you want another LT relationship. If you don't, what has discouraged you?) I gotta say, I don't know what more I could do to make a relationship work. I've definitely become disillusioned and there are times when I feel like I'm just not good enough.

[Arabess]

Girlie,

Why do you think YOU aren't the one good enough?? Maybe HE'S the great big A$$!!

[HokeyReligions]

I'll use my current relationship (marriage) as #2, and a long-term relationship (engaged) as #1

 

Originally posted by magda

 

• How long did you date before commiting?
  1. two months
  2. 14 months to engagement (2 years before actual marriage)
   
  
• What was your age when you commited and how much previuos relationship experience did you have?
  1. 20, dated 5 or 6 guys prior, none serious, only lasted a few weeks to a few months each time.
  2. 24, was engaged once prior
   
  
• How long were you together?
  1. 9 or 10 months
  2. Over 20 years
   
   
  
• Did you both talk about being together forever?
  1. Yes
  2. Yes
  
  
• Did you marry? Have children? (Or plan to?)
  1. No, we did plan on it
  2. Yes & Yes* (*note, our children passed away)
   
  
• On a scale of 1-10, how well did your SO really know and understand you?
  1. With 1 being low - did not understand me when we first made a commitment probaby a 3. When we broke up it was probably a 7. Same for me understanding him.
   
  2. When we made a commitment it was probably a 3 or 4, by the time we married it was maybe a 4 or 5, and by the 10 anniversary I'd say 8.
   
  
• Looking back, are there any early signs of the trouble that ended your relatinoship that you now see? What were they & how did you handle them when they first arose?
  1. Yes. We were both selfish. We argued and didn't listen to each other and when we did finally listen we realized we were not right for each other.
   
  2. Yes. Our parenting approaches were very different. I should have been more clued in by the way he was raised and I should have noticed the familial pattern in my own family. We debated and discussed and sometimes we would find a compromise, other times we just agreed to go his way or my way on something.
   
   
  
• How commited would you say you both were to the relationship? Did this change when conflict arose?
  1. Me more than him - but not enough to stop being selfish. No.
  2. Me more than him - enough to seek counseling and face some harsh realities about myself. My commitment increased as we went through each counseling session and did not begin to wane until after our son's death.
   
  
• Did you often have serious discussions about your feelings/goals/fears/&tc? Did this change as time passed?
  1. No. No.
  2. Yes. No.
   
  
• How supported & encouraged did your SO make you feel? How much effort did you make to support & encourage?
  1. Not very
  2. Totally. Totally. In every way. Put in 100% of myself into making sure he knew how much I valued and respected him and was always behind him.
   
   
  
• Do you think you loved each other equally?
  1. Looking back, Yes.
  2. I love him more at first, now he loves me more.
   
   
  
• How was the sex, 1-10? How frequent? How comfortable & uninhibited were you? Was it fun? How did this change towards the end?
  1. We had sex 3.5 times. It satisfied my curiosity about sex and was enough to know that I wanted to wait until I was married. We were both virgins and I was more inhibited then he was. It was okay fun-wise.
   
  2. Hoo-boy! At first it was good. Then it stopped (sexless marriage for about 14 years) I was totally uninhibitied toward the end because I wanted so much to have sex I would have done just about anything to encourage him. No, it ceased being fun because it became like a chore or like gambling and losing most of the time. No matter what I tried, he didn't want to. I finally stopped trying.
   
  
• Did you keep any big secrets from your SO (or try to?) If so, did you feel guilty about this?
  1. I didn't have any big secrets back then.
  2. Yes. Yes. Ditto for him. We have no secrets now.
   
  
• What mistakes did you make with your SO? How did your attitudes and reactions make problems worse?
  1. None, we just were not meant to be.
  2. Too many to list. I tried to make up for the abuse he received as a child and I think that only confused both of us and by the time I figured that out, the damage was done.
   
  
• What situations out of either of your control tested the relationship? Do you think that if those things had not happened you would still be together?
  1. None
  2. Our children died. Yes, I think we would still be togther and I think we may be together again in the future.
   
  
• Did you work hard enough?
  1. Yes
  2. Yes
  
  
• Would you say that the love stopped?
  1. Yes
  2. No
  
  
• From your present perspective, was it ever really love?
  1. NO
  2. YES
   
  
• What will you do (or did you do) differently to have a good, commited relationship & make it last a lifetime? (That is, assuming you want another LT relationship. If you don't, what has discouraged you?)

1. Evaluated myself and set my priorities

2. I don't want another relationship if this never comes back. If it does, we will continue with therapy and I won't back down on what I need in the marriage just to stay married. I will not compromise on everything now and will expect some compromises in my favor from now on.

[nikkilove]

How long did you date before commiting? 4 mos from dating to marriage

 

What was your age when you commited and how much previuos relationship experience did you have? 19, I started dating at 16, dated 4-5 guys before him.

 

How long were you together? 6+ years

 

Did you both talk about being together forever? I didn't

 

Did you marry? Have children? (Or plan to?) yes to both.

 

On a scale of 1-10, how well did your SO really know and understand you? 5

 

Looking back, are there any early signs of the trouble that ended your relatinoship that you now see? What were they & how did you handle them when they first arose? How commited would you say you both were to the relationship? Did this change when conflict arose? crying on my way to get married maybe? not marrying someone I was in love with or attracted to. but we were committed during the time we were together, we didn't cheat on eachother.

 

Did you often have serious discussions about your feelings/goals/fears/&tc? Did this change as time passed? we had matieral goals, buying house etc. When all material goals were met, I realized I would never have more in the way of being in love or those feelings, that's when I knew it had to end.

 

How supported & encouraged did your SO make you feel? How much effort did you make to support & encourage? cyclical.

 

Do you think you loved each other equally? unfortunately, no.

 

How was the sex, 1-10? How frequent? How comfortable & uninhibited were you? Was it fun? How did this change towards the end? 1, very infrequent, not fun

Did you keep any big secrets from your SO (or try to?) If so, did you feel guilty about this? I guess he didn't realize that I was'nt really in love with him.

 

What mistakes did you make with your SO? How did your attitudes and reactions make problems worse? not leaving sooner.

 

What situations out of either of your control tested the relationship? Do you think that if those things had not happened you would still be together? being married so young for me was a huge test, had I been older I wouldn't have gotten married to someone I wasn't in love with....it took time for me to know myself and know what I could and couldn't live with.

Did you work hard enough? we accomplished all our goals, and remain friends.

 

Would you say that the love stopped? there was always a love in a friendship way, for me, it never got past that.

 

From your present perspective, was it ever really love? not the love you should have if you marry someone

 

What will you do (or did you do) differently to have a good, commited relationship & make it last a lifetime? (That is, assuming you want another LT relationship. If you don't, what has discouraged you?) marry only for love, marry when emotionally mature. I did remarry and did it for the right reasons this time. No regrets about the first marriage, we both grew, accomplished our goals, but I always felt he was more of a friend then lover and you can't have a happy marriage with a friend, at least I couldn't.

[Karlise]

The last LT relationship that failed......(I am presently in one now that is doing just fine)

 

 

How long did you date before commiting? A few months

 

What was your age when you commited and how much previuos relationship experience did you have?

 

About age 29

Dated A LOT before

 

How long were you together?

 

2 1/2 years roughly

 

Did you both talk about being together forever?

 

Yes

 

Did you marry? Have children? (Or plan to?)

 

Talked about getting engaged...no kids

 

On a scale of 1-10, how well did your SO really know and understand you?

 

5

 

Looking back, are there any early signs of the trouble that ended your relatinoship that you now see? What were they & how did you handle them when they first arose?

 

Yes...he was jealous and insecure. When these tendencies first showed up, I tried to be extra understanding and loving.

 

How commited would you say you both were to the relationship? Did this change when conflict arose?

 

I think he was more committed than I was....although his style of committment was very possessive and overpowering. The more conflict he had, the more jealous and illogical his thinking became

 

Did you often have serious discussions about your feelings/goals/fears/&tc? Did this change as time passed?

 

 

As time passed, I became more secretive in order to avoid his insecure rants

 

How supported & encouraged did your SO make you feel? How much effort did you make to support & encourage?

 

I did not feel supported at all towards the end

 

Do you think you loved each other equally?

 

Equally....but differently...if that makes any sense

 

How was the sex, 1-10? How frequent? How comfortable & uninhibited were you? Was it fun? How did this change towards the end?

 

The sex was awesome in the beginning. A TEN....seriously! Very comfortable, uninhibited, frequent and fun. Towards the end....still very hot. We just had a lot of chemistry.

 

Did you keep any big secrets from your SO (or try to?) If so, did you feel guilty about this?

 

I lied to him about having a bio chem class one evening a week. I just needed time away from him. I wasn't doing anything bad, just wanted some peace and quiet to myself. Yes, felt guilty

 

What mistakes did you make with your SO? How did your attitudes and reactions make problems worse?

 

I was too forgiving, too accepting of some of his bad attitudeds and behavior. That was just fuel to the fire

 

What situations out of either of your control tested the relationship? Do you think that if those things had not happened you would still be together?

 

 

Can't think ofa good example

 

 

 

Did you work hard enough?

 

Yes

 

Would you say that the love stopped?

 

No, but the compatibility factor was not there

 

From your present perspective, was it ever really love?

 

Yes

 

What will you do (or did you do) differently to have a good, commited relationship & make it last a lifetime? (That is, assuming you want another LT relationship. If you don't, what has discouraged you?)

 

 

This time around, I made sure I was not only attracted to the person but that we share many core values and ideals

[Vivid_29]

How long did you date before commiting? 6 months

What was your age when you commited and how much previuos relationship experience did you have?

 

How long were you together? 2.5 years

 

Did you both talk about being together forever? No

 

Did you marry? Have children? (Or plan to?) Planned to

 

On a scale of 1-10, how well did your SO really know and understand you? 10

Looking back, are there any early signs of the trouble that ended your relatinoship that you now see? What were they & how did you handle them when they first arose? Nope

How commited would you say you both were to the relationship? Did this change when conflict arose? We were very committed -

 

Did you often have serious discussions about your feelings/goals/fears/&tc? Did this change as time passed? Yes -- No

How supported & encouraged did your SO make you feel? How much effort did you make to support & encourage? Very supportive

 

Do you think you loved each other equally? No

 

How was the sex, 1-10? How frequent? How comfortable & uninhibited were you? Was it fun? How did this change towards the end? 10 - then sex turned to once a month or so.

 

Did you keep any big secrets from your SO (or try to?) If so, did you feel guilty about this? I was cheating on her for the last 8 months of our relationship and no, I don't feel bad about it.

 

What mistakes did you make with your SO? How did your attitudes and reactions make problems worse? No mistakes -

 

What situations out of either of your control tested the relationship? Do you think that if those things had not happened you would still be together? Nope

 

Did you work hard enough? I would say that I pulled my fair share.

Would you say that the love stopped? Yup!

 

From your present perspective, was it ever really love? Nope - Infatuation

 

What will you do (or did you do) differently to have a good, commited relationship & make it last a lifetime? (That is, assuming you want another LT relationship. If you don't, what has discouraged you?) Never get involved with a woman who brings along excess emotional baggage to a relationship!

 

~Vivid

[clia]

I will use my first "real" relationship as the example.

 

How long did you date before commiting? I was 16--I think we were committed immediately.

 

What was your age when you commited and how much previuos relationship experience did you have? I was 16, he was 19. I'd had boyfriends before that (and sex), but nothing really long term.

 

How long were you together? 4 years

 

Did you both talk about being together forever? Yes

 

Did you marry? Have children? (Or plan to?) Didn't marry or have kids, but planned to.

 

On a scale of 1-10, how well did your SO really know and understand you? 8 or 9

 

Looking back, are there any early signs of the trouble that ended your relatinoship that you now see? What were they & how did you handle them when they first arose? No

 

How commited would you say you both were to the relationship? Did this change when conflict arose? Very committed

 

Did you often have serious discussions about your feelings/goals/fears/&tc? Did this change as time passed? We had lots of deep conversations...that never changed.

 

How supported & encouraged did your SO make you feel? How much effort did you make to support & encourage? He was supportive, I was supportive.

 

Do you think you loved each other equally? Yes

 

How was the sex, 1-10? How frequent? How comfortable & uninhibited were you? Was it fun? How did this change towards the end? Sex was great...toward the end it became more infrequent.

 

Did you keep any big secrets from your SO (or try to?) If so, did you feel guilty about this? Never kept any secrets.

 

What mistakes did you make with your SO? How did your attitudes and reactions make problems worse? No mistakes

 

What situations out of either of your control tested the relationship? Do you think that if those things had not happened you would still be together? We were young...I didn't know really who I was or what I wanted when I was 16-20. As I got older, I realized that even though we loved each other, we were incompatible in terms of what we wanted out of life.

 

Did you work hard enough? Relationships shouldn't entail a lot of work.

 

Would you say that the love stopped? I'd say that I grew out of it.

 

From your present perspective, was it ever really love? Yes

 

What will you do (or did you do) differently to have a good, commited relationship & make it last a lifetime? (That is, assuming you want another LT relationship. If you don't, what has discouraged you?) I think my age had a lot to do with it...now I know exactly what I want out of life and what kind of person I want. I didn't and couldn't know that back then. Life experience is priceless when it comes to finding the right person.