Is this too much to ask for at my age? Honestly.

[maysj18]

I am a college junior anddd I'm still a virgin. My reason for having not given it up yet is that that most guys my age expect it to happen immediately and when it doesn't, they leave. I really think a lot of them have preconceived ideas about me because I'm a virgin, like I'm vulnerable and needy. This is completely not true- I'm not clingy and I don't expect them to get on one knee and propose to me, in fact I'm not even looking for a relationship really. All I need is TIME in the beginning to develop a friendship and to develop enough trust in the person so that I know he isn't spending time with other girls the way he is with me. All the other baggage that comes with a dating type of relationship, I can take it or leave it. While some guys I've dated say they understand, they still pressure me to "hurry up" and that turns me off, so the relationship ends up becoming boring. I just dont know why I've never been able to find a fulfilling relationship.

Edited April 26, 2011 by maysj18

[Cloud Logic]

Honestly, I think there many young men in college are looking to get some where they can. Although I cannot say, maybe you hang out with these types of guys more than the understanding/mature men that will respect your decision to remain a virgin until you are more comfortable. I would think most college men, like myself, would be excited at how well you have guarded yourself from potentially horrible relationships. Just be glad you haven't given into one of the many jerks and give it some time and I bet you will find someone more suitable for you. Best of luck.

[marigold7]

I am a college junior anddd I'm still a virgin. My reason for having not given it up yet is that that most guys my age expect it to happen immediately and when it doesn't, they leave. I really think a lot of them have preconceived ideas about me because I'm a virgin, like I'm vulnerable and needy. This is completely not true- I'm not clingy and I don't expect them to get on one knee and propose to me, in fact I'm not even looking for a relationship really. All I need is TIME in the beginning to develop a friendship and to develop enough trust in the person so that I know he isn't spending time with other girls the way he is with me. All the other baggage that comes with a dating type of relationship, I can take it or leave it. While some guys I've dated say they understand, they still pressure me to "hurry up" and that turns me off, so the relationship ends up becoming boring. I just dont know why I've never been able to find a fulfilling relationship.

 

Ok, your question seems a little complicated, so I've got a few questions I hope you don't mind asking for clarity's sake.

 

Do you want to still be a virgin?

How much time do you feel you need to develop a friendship?

Are you interested in guys who are virgins?/Do you care?

What do you want out of a relationship if you want to be friends and exclusive but you're not interested in a relationship?

 

Sorry if this sounds dumb; I just want to make sure I (and other people) understand.

 

 

Totally agree with Cloud Logic.

[Lilmisus]

Honestly, not at all! I think it's great that you have yet to have sex with a guy who was pressuring you into it. Once one of them would have sex with you, I'm sure they would have bolted anyone, considering how easily they ended things with you after realizing you wouldn't put out.

 

I have a rule: no sex until we're official (though I know you aren't looking for a relationship). Once you make me your girlfriend, and once I feel that we have a great connection, then I'll be willing to get frisky with you. Anything less than that just feels wrong to me, and I'm a junior in college as well. So to say that you don't want to give your virginity up with someone who you barely know at all, doesn't sound weird at all, and is more respected than anything. Once you finally meet a guy who is willing to wait more than a couple dates, weeks, or whatever to take things to the next level with you, I think you'll really appreciate it more, and he'll really appreciate you more than any of those other guys would have.

[dreamingoftigers]

Guys seem to be getting worse and worse, probably because of media, porn and most girls giving it up so soon now.

 

I waited 6 months into a relationship to lose my virginity. That was eleven years ago.

 

I would still wait a bit to sleep with a guy if I was entering into a relationship again.

 

The ones that are worth it will wait.

[maysj18]

 

Do you want to still be a virgin?

How much time do you feel you need to develop a friendship?

Are you interested in guys who are virgins?/Do you care?

What do you want out of a relationship if you want to be friends and exclusive but you're not interested in a relationship?

 

 

I have no time limit on how long we have to be friends before hooking up. It all completely depends on the guy and his vibes. Even if a guy gave me all the time in the world, if all he had going for him was patience then I'd probably still turn bitter. I actually don't mind if the guy has had sex before, although it really doesn't sit well with me if it was a bunch of random hook ups. My ex had never done anything with anyone before me, so it was amazing when we messed around because I knew he was in it for the right reasons (it was a ldr so we ended it, long story). If the right guy came along, I would have no problem giving it up to them. I want someone who doesn't just live with it, but someone who understands and respects it. It seems like most guys think that by time I just mean a day or...5 minutes.

 

As far as relationships go, all I meant was that I'm not out searching for one. If I meet someone and things go well and continue to go well, I don't push it..I like to let things fall into place. If he wants one though, Ill definitely pursue it and see how it goes. I dont think many people my age can handle a strong commitment right now. Granted, I know these kind of situations don't last very long, but it's better than getting in over your head.

Edited April 26, 2011 by maysj18

[Professor X]

While your side of the story seems understandable, there's still the other side you haven't told us.

For instance, how long did your longest RS last? and for that matter, how many RS have you been in?

 

I'm asking because I know quite a few guys who would not pressure the other side to do things they would not want. So when you come and tell us that most guys want it "right now" seems a bit peculiar.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not saying that most men will wait, but I do say there are enough who will.

[maysj18]

I've been in one and it was the ldr that lasted on and off for almost 3 years. that's it.

[Professor X]

I've been in one and it was the ldr that lasted on and off for almost 3 years. that's it.

 

I suspected that much.

Yeah, that's a big exclamation mark right there.

A guy hears that you've been in a RS for 3 years without having sex and they will have their doubts up. Rightfully so if I may add.

In my honest opinion, 3 years seems way to much, why even be in a RS for so long if you cannot open up intimately to your partner?

 

Don't get me wrong though, I don't judge people based on their V status, but if you have been in a long RS without being intimate, well... yeah.

[maysj18]

I suspected that much.

Yeah, that's a big exclamation mark right there.

A guy hears that you've been in a RS for 3 years without having sex and they will have their doubts up. Rightfully so if I may add.

In my honest opinion, 3 years seems way to much, why even be in a RS for so long if you cannot open up intimately to your partner?

 

Don't get me wrong though, I don't judge people based on their V status, but if you have been in a long RS without being intimate, well... yeah.

 

It was a long distance relationship. We spent a few weeks together here and there throughout the year. Plus, HE wants to wait until marriage for sex, so it wasn't my idea to not have sex because i would have.

[Nexus One]

I'm noticing it myself that a lot of guys around me don't have any respect for girls/women. It's sad, but when I start counting I have to conclude that the guys that do really have respect for women are in the minority.

 

Just "being with a girl/woman" without having sex is not enough for many guys even in the short term. The problem is also that many girls are enabling those guys into such behavior. For example I know a guy that has slept with over 200 girls. He attracts them as follows. He goes dancing in a club, gives a girl "a taste" by kissing her, then goes on to dance with other girls and also kisses them. Then the girls who he kissed earlier get pissed off and jealous. So they get angry, throw drinks at him and make a scene. But when all is said and done they end up having sex with him at the end of the night.

 

What these girls are thinking, I have no idea. What happens though is that guys get the idea you can easily get sex in the first place and that you can easily get sex when you disrespect a girl/woman. Those guys sometimes even ask random strangers to join in and the girls don't mind or the girls themselves are asking other guys to join in. Mind you I've always declined that, I'm not into those kind of girls. However I would have never known that so many girls are like that had those guys not shown it first hand to me. I guess it's because girls are quite good at hiding it in "daily life".

 

I think girls intuitively understand quite well what this does with their "image" in the eyes of quality guys. This might sound harsh, but when those girls would approach me in daily life, then I'd feel like I'm getting thrown a leftover or like someone threw a licked ice cream on the ground and expect me to eat it. It feels like an insult, that's how it comes across. And those girls, they know that, that's why many of them lie about it, but that only works with uninformed guys or guys that don't care.

 

So in my opinion if you do want a quality guy that you can trust, then you shouldn't cave. You'll have to wait for the right one to come along or actively look for him and that might take a while. When a guy appreciates you in the sense that he would be content by just being with you without having sex in the short term, then you might want to take a look if that's the guy you were looking for. Just hold guys up to a higher standard when you observe them. You'll have to develop a consciousness for it.

[Professor X]

It was a long distance relationship. We spent a few weeks together here and there throughout the year. Plus, HE wants to wait until marriage for sex, so it wasn't my idea to not have sex because i would have.

 

Well, in that case, than no, what you're asking is not to much of course. As long as you're not this super uptight girl, it's all good.

 

As I've said in my initial post: there are plenty of men who will give you the time you need, just don't generalize men & keep your mind, heart and eyes open and you will get one in no time. :bunny:

[aisle_seat]

Not too much to ask at all. My guess is most of the guys you've been out with are immature (not surprising - college age and all) and so they're not interested in a relationship in the same sense that you are. I think it's cool that you want to meet the right guy and build something before jumping into to bed. Hell, I wish I'd met someone with those standards a long time ago.

 

Just do what you're doing, don't worry about what your friends are doing or think. When you meet and get to know the right guy, you'll know what to do.

[iJester]

You're not asking too much, because it's your body, and you shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with. That said, 3 years in a relationship without sex is daunting for any guy, whether it was your choice or not. I don't mean this in an insensitive way, but you're not special. There are plenty girls out there that are just as smart, nice, funny, outgoing, pretty, respectable, and lovable as you are, and they're sexually active. Why should a sexually active guy wait an indefinite amount of time and deal with that sexual frustration. Sex isn't such a big deal to a lot of guys, and it's just seen as an expected part of a relationship. I would never enter a relationship with a girl I haven't already slept with; what if she sucks, or is boring, or unwilling to try new things, or just doesn't like sex? Not worth the trouble.

 

Sex is a big deal to you now(and maybe after your first time too), but clearly not with the guys you've been interested in. You're going to need to find another virgin or wait for a guy that with the same views on sex as you(not likely until you're out of college).

[Kelemort]

I have to admit I'm always amused when people act like it's the most shocking revelation in the world that they're still virgins in their early 20s; I really don't think it's all that uncommon, nor is it shameful, dirty, etc. I was in my senior year of college and pushing 22 before I lost my virginity. If I could do it all over again (and we had been dating about a year), I would've waited longer. Hell, maybe I would've gone out, dated other people and had more experience.

 

Irrational or not, it bothered me that my partner wasn't a virgin - but it didn't bother me until after we started having sex. Most of the books I've read pinpoint that it's usually not an issue until after women have opened up sexually - (and this isn't true for everyone, I might add - by that point, they've invested themselves emotionally. Well, add that onto the fact that the first year or so of our relationship was totally focused on the ex he had sex with.....anyway. So maybe it wasn't really just "he's not a virgin" so much as "He shared something intimate with her for the first time, and he's STILL hung up on her."

 

There are a lot of men who will duck out fast. I never dated any. The fact that you were in a three-year LDR doesn't make me bat a lash that you didn't have sex. Like you pointed out, you actually only saw each other for a grand total of maybe a few months? LDRs are different from other relationships - they move much more slowly. 3 years into a long-term, close-distance relationship? A little unusual, but not totally. 3 years into an LDR? I wouldn't bat a lash at all.

 

My personal motto is: 9 months into a relationship before sex. That's enough time to establish exclusivity and to confirm that this guy can actually hang around long enough if something goes wrong. To be honest, I'm surprised that so many men insist they would "likely" by gone three months in and "definitely" gone six months in if they didn't have sex.

 

I never had a boyfriend who pressured me to have sex - of course, my first boyfriend and I were both virgins and we dated for a year and a half. We NEVER had time alone - if we had, I suspect it's possible something could have happened. But obviously we didn't want to get caught in the middle of things (...awkward). My first boyfriend brought it up a little bit, but mostly he didn't seem as interested in it either.

 

Second boyfriend never pressured me either. Then again, maybe that should've been my sign - until we moved in together last month or so, we were having sex literally once, maybe twice a month. Lately, it's been SLOWLY improving to 2 or 3 times a week.

 

I think the goal is to find a guy who brings it up some and acts interested. Mine NEVER verbalized it, and when I asked him about it, the usual response was, "I just want to wait until you're ready." While I liked that respect, if he had bothered to ask at all, it would've made me feel he was actually interested. You don't want to get stuck with one of those, either. You want someone who asks, but who doesn't pressure or get angry when the answer is no - and not someone who's going to ask you every day, every week or every month.

 

To that end, there's nothing wrong with waiting until marriage to have sex. I think in a way it's a noble pursuit. For me personally, I wanted to try before I decided to buy.

 

Your situation is not unusual. Be happy with who you are. If they're getting pissed because you won't have sex with them on their timeline anyway, it seems like it's probably best to hold out for somebody who will share your values or at least understand them.

[sagetalk]

Judging from your description, your profile image, and your a junior in college, I'd say you are in a heck of a good position. A 20 year old attractive virgin girl would be extremely appealing to most stable relationship minded men. It would be a turn off to the "let's just have fun" crowd of guys. Which ones do you want? If you want the later, you'll have to sleep with them fairly soon. If not, most regular Joe's will let you wait until marriage if they like you and that's what you want.

 

If you find yourself getting frustrated about guys wanting to sleep with you too soon, the problem is your choice in men, not them. Don't date those guys and you won't have to worry. If you continue dating guys like this, it could be a sign that you are attracted to those types of guys and not LTR minded men.

 

At any rate, don't blame the guys. Look at yourself to truly understand what's going on. There are tons of guys that would never do that, are you attracted to them is the question you should be asking. If not, you may want to try and find out why.

[WillSingForFood]

No one, virgin or not, should sleep with someone before they're ready to. If guys are pressuring you into it after just a couple dates or right after meeting you, then pay them no attention, since those are the guys who try to screw as many girls as they can.

[chuckles11]

 

My personal motto is: 9 months into a relationship before sex. That's enough time to establish exclusivity and to confirm that this guy can actually hang around long enough if something goes wrong. To be honest, I'm surprised that so many men insist they would "likely" by gone three months in and "definitely" gone six months in if they didn't have sex.

 

I never had a boyfriend who pressured me to have sex - of course, my first boyfriend and I were both virgins and we dated for a year and a half. We NEVER had time alone - if we had, I suspect it's possible something could have happened. But obviously we didn't want to get caught in the middle of things (...awkward). My first boyfriend brought it up a little bit, but mostly he didn't seem as interested in it either.

 

Second boyfriend never pressured me either. Then again, maybe that should've been my sign - until we moved in together last month or so, we were having sex literally once, maybe twice a month. Lately, it's been SLOWLY improving to 2 or 3 times a week.

 

I think the goal is to find a guy who brings it up some and acts interested. Mine NEVER verbalized it, and when I asked him about it, the usual response was, "I just want to wait until you're ready." While I liked that respect, if he had bothered to ask at all, it would've made me feel he was actually interested. You don't want to get stuck with one of those, either. You want someone who asks, but who doesn't pressure or get angry when the answer is no - and not someone who's going to ask you every day, every week or every month.

 

To that end, there's nothing wrong with waiting until marriage to have sex. I think in a way it's a noble pursuit. For me personally, I wanted to try before I decided to buy.

 

Your situation is not unusual. Be happy with who you are. If they're getting pissed because you won't have sex with them on their timeline anyway, it seems like it's probably best to hold out for somebody who will share your values or at least understand them.

 

 

So, just to make sure I understand.... You want a guy who is willing to wait nine months for sex, but you want him to occasionally try to make moves on you so that you know he is doing it as a sacrifice on your behalf and not because he's o.k. with waiting?

[alethean]

Judging from your description, your profile image, and your a junior in college, I'd say you are in a heck of a good position. A 20 year old attractive virgin girl would be extremely appealing to most stable relationship minded men. It would be a turn off to the "let's just have fun" crowd of guys. Which ones do you want? If you want the later, you'll have to sleep with them fairly soon. If not, most regular Joe's will let you wait until marriage if they like you and that's what you want.

 

If you find yourself getting frustrated about guys wanting to sleep with you too soon, the problem is your choice in men, not them. Don't date those guys and you won't have to worry. If you continue dating guys like this, it could be a sign that you are attracted to those types of guys and not LTR minded men.

 

At any rate, don't blame the guys. Look at yourself to truly understand what's going on. There are tons of guys that would never do that, are you attracted to them is the question you should be asking. If not, you may want to try and find out why.

 

And my question is...where are the quality college guys at? In class? At the library? I'm not trying to be facetious. I really want to know. I'm also a college junior who's managed to avoid the good time guys...but without knowledge of where the other ones are.

[Cloud Logic]

And my question is...where are the quality college guys at? In class? At the library? I'm not trying to be facetious. I really want to know. I'm also a college junior who's managed to avoid the good time guys...but without knowledge of where the other ones are.

 

I don't think you can necessarily say that a specific place has quality guys. I cannot just say go to 'said place' and you will find a group of them hanging out. It is best that you go do social activities that you enjoy and that involve guys your age who share the same interest. I do activities that I enjoy as a college student (reading at the bookstore, jogging at the beach, volunteering, etc.) and I have met great women and a few odd ones as well. So, as I said, do the activities you enjoy and I'm sure you will find some good guys with similar interests. I would suggest volunteering your time more than anything because I feel that someone who is willing to spend time to help another person, generally, has a good heart and a great personality.

 

My opinion, of course.. best of luck.

[maysj18]

Would some of you agree though that, GENERALLY speaking, most college-aged people (girls and guys) are just wanting to have fun and get it in? I have talked and gone out with so many guys from completely different ends of the spectra and the mentality is still the same, just in different degrees. Sometimes the talking and hanging out was not at the romantic level, but you can still get a sense of how a person is romantically by just hanging out.

 

I'm really not trying to sound bitter. In fact, I'm still good friends with most of the guys I've "dated", but it just seems like their maturity level in the romance department isn't up to par.

[chuckles11]

Would some of you agree though that, GENERALLY speaking, most college-aged people (girls and guys) are just wanting to have fun and get it in? I have talked and gone out with so many guys from completely different ends of the spectra and the mentality is still the same, just in different degrees. Sometimes the talking and hanging out was not at the romantic level, but you can still get a sense of how a person is romantically by just hanging out.

 

I'm really not trying to sound bitter. In fact, I'm still good friends with most of the guys I've "dated", but it just seems like their maturity level in the romance department isn't up to par.

 

Well yes, you're probably correct. I think the point people are generally making is that there are plenty of guys in your local computer science department who will happily(or at least grudgingly) respect your wishes.

[sagetalk]

Would some of you agree though that, GENERALLY speaking, most college-aged people (girls and guys) are just wanting to have fun and get it in?

 

What is IT, sex? Sure, they also want to get in: drugs, excessive drinking, ditching classes, wrecking cars, wasting parents money, and a laundry list of stupid things.

 

Just because your peers do it does not make it a wise decision. Having sex with guys you aren't even sure of is a bad idea, fun or no fun. With sex comes risk, why gamble on someone you don't even know if you will be dating next week or not. Waiting for the relationship to stabilize is the wiser decision. It's your choice whether or not it's the decision that you want to make.

[patagonia]

Would some of you agree though that, GENERALLY speaking, most college-aged people (girls and guys) are just wanting to have fun and get it in? I have talked and gone out with so many guys from completely different ends of the spectra and the mentality is still the same, just in different degrees. Sometimes the talking and hanging out was not at the romantic level, but you can still get a sense of how a person is romantically by just hanging out.

 

I'm really not trying to sound bitter. In fact, I'm still good friends with most of the guys I've "dated", but it just seems like their maturity level in the romance department isn't up to par.

 

I would say generally, yes. Most people in college are looking to get some.

 

You are young. This is a time when you need to decide what YOU want to do. So if you don't want to engage in sex, then don't. All it will become is guilt. Save yourself for the right person or marriage and you'll be just fine!

[maysj18]

I never said I was going to do it because my peers are, it's just an observation. I know where I stand on the matter.