dartchik Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Hi,I am in a bit of a bind.I am married and have been for 2 years.We both have kids and he is 42.I am 28.I love him with all my heart and soul.We have a roomate(one of his friends)He has lived with us for 1 year.Last night we got drunk,and we had sex.Well it was more 4 play no internal pentitration.I have been cheated on with my ex husband he was having an affair.My sex life with my husband has its wonderful moments,but lately he hasnt wanted any,,alway finding excuses.he says he is not sure why he just mentally dont want to,,his other parts differ.To the point here,i cheated on him last night with his friend,,and my friend.We agreed to never say a word,it was a one night stupid mistake and we both have serous regrets.I cried today and feel i ruined my marriage.Please give me some advice. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 for your husbands sake disinfect! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dartchik Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 i took about a 2 hour shower this morning. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 could you talk with your husband about it, or would he blow up, or leave? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Unless there is NO WAY you can keep this a secret....I'd forget it ever happened. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Who's to say it won't happen again next time you and that guy get drunk? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dartchik Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 First off let me start by explaining something.I am against cheaters.I do not believe in cheating.There was an attraction between our friend and I.I ignored it and acted as if I hated him most of the time.We talked last night about some things that was bothering me.We are having financial trouble and I need to talk with someone no involved,a 3rd party so to speak.I still to this day have no feeling for our friend,,other than just friends.I love my husband and would die today for what I did.I hate myself and the feeling I feel about myself.I am not that type of person.We started kissing and one thing let to another.It meant NOTHING at all.He still lives here and we talked this morning.We decided it would hurt him more telling him.So we have agreed not to mention,think or speak of this.Not to mention my husband is a big strong and man would kill him.We have agreed to keep this as a one time thing that will never take place as long as i live again.I as of this morning decided to stop drinking,,unless my husband is with me.I get emotion when i drink.I need to talk when I drink and our friend was the only one who would understand besides my husband,but there again my husband went to bed early and left me alone,,he always is tired and never wants to be with me.So it seems.I just need some advice,,not criticized. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Don't let it happen again, and try to move on. It's up to you whether or not you want to tell your husband. It might not be a bad idea for this friend to find his own residence at some near point in the future. Even if you don't do anything sexual with him again, there will be some tension between you two. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dartchik Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 Originally posted by UCFKevin Who's to say it won't happen again next time you and that guy get drunk? we have been drunk alot together.Last night just happened.I have been stressed about alot of things.and i understand that is no excuse,but its what happened.I have never cheated nor have i planned on it.I want nothing to do with that guy till the day i die.nothing at all. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Well...I know you don't want to be criticized but... I am not that type of person. Yes, you are. Just because you were drunk doesn't mean you were doing something you didn't TRULY want to do. Your inhibitions were gone. That's what happens. BUT if you make sure something like this never happens again, ever, then I would definitely not tell him. He will be heartbroken and very upset with you. However, I think things aren't as peachy with your husband as you made it seem before. You aren't happy, are you? You looked for refuge in another man's arms. That's not too great a sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dartchik Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 Originally posted by morrigan Don't let it happen again, and try to move on. It's up to you whether or not you want to tell your husband. It might not be a bad idea for this friend to find his own residence at some near point in the future. Even if you don't do anything sexual with him again, there will be some tension between you two. I told him this morning moving is a close thing for him.He is staying at his buddies house while he goes to florida,,so he wont be here for 2 weeks.but he will move sooner than planned Link to post Share on other sites
Author dartchik Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 Originally posted by UCFKevin You aren't happy, are you? You looked for refuge in another man's arms. That's not too great a sign. Well,I have been depressed lately.I had to borrow money to pay the rent and we had no food.I have a custody battle at current with my ex,and my 8 year old is bi polar.My husbands ex wife put us through hell,and he has 2 children with her.His older daughter is 18 and stole from us and caused problems,,so i guess you can say,,yes i am unhappy at current,,,i guess we can say i need to talk with someone who is not in direct relation to this,,that is why i turned to this. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 what if dude gets pissed at you and tells your man....i hate having to trust another that obviously doesn't care for more than himself with a huge secret! Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Yeah, imagine how your husband will react to that? I think you need to talk to HIM, not us, about you being unhappy, to be honest. That's my advice, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dartchik Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 He is more afraid of my husband than I am.My husband would kill him just for looking at me or say it.He would loose his relationship with him and would make a hospitol trip.I guess i have to just prey. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dartchik Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 I have talked with him,we try to make things better,but anyway,,someday things will be better.today i feel like scum...yesterday i felt like dying..a week ago,,i begged for help ,,,someone to talk with.today i feel like scum,,,and no one i can talk to.thanks for your help,,ttfn Link to post Share on other sites
Author dartchik Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 Well,I talked with him about it.He is hurt.I cried alot.He wants us to go to spiritail counciling.He said he will never give up on us,,and that he is sorry for his rejection that he really didnt see what he was doing.Our friend had a phone call from him today and he told him to pack and leave.The guilt of this was consuming me.I have never done anything of that nature,,,and trust me,,,i never will again.He wants us both to stop drinking together.Which wont be hard seeings how we are not alcoholics.The turn out was better than expected.We have work to do but at least we will do it together and alone. Link to post Share on other sites
dstnymusiq Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 my exboyfriend cheated on me, and lied the whole time we were going out... but as always happens... I found out, I'm not stupid... your husband WILL find out, unless he's stupid We broke up, I didn't speak to him for a month and a half, would have been the rest of my life, but he died in a car accident with that b*tch in the backseat... not saying anyone deserves to die, and because of it I nearly killed myself... long story... but just to put it straight... You cheat, you lose... whether you were drunk or not, if you don't tell him, you will be living with a guilt that will haunt you for the rest of your life, How could you EVER be happy with yourself?!?!?! You should tell him, and then let HIM decide what he wants to do. You've already messed up, why make it worse? If you love him, you'd tell him, but then again if you love him you wouldn't have done that to him... OK sorry... this is an edit... I'm not changing anything I wrote previously because that IS how I felt when i first read the post, but then I saw your last comment... and that's good that you told him, smart move... Link to post Share on other sites
Author dartchik Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 if in fact you would have read the last post that I placed,,you would see that I told him!! Link to post Share on other sites
Crys0369 Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Lord knows I'd never have another b*tch livin in the same house as me and my man... Trust issues? Maybe But ya might as well not set yourself up for sh*t like that to happen... Link to post Share on other sites
Author dartchik Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 I keep trying to moe along and place this behind me,,,When we start to smile,,or laugh i ge the picture of what i did in my hea,,and i am punishing myselfin a way that is horrible,My husand feels that i am punishin myself s he needs not to say anything at thi point.He told me this is wal we have hit and we hit it head on.I almost want to leave to save him the pain and my from feeling so bad...but he told me he does not want me to leave.that he love me more than anything.He knows and told me its not my nature.I have no feel or desire to be with anyone else.I understand how bad i screwed up. And I understand this is a learning lesson for me as wel.I hope that no onehas to feel this way that i feel or go through feelig how i must.As for settig me up to do it again,,,,,,not in this life.........I was on his side of the fence on my last marriage,,,,i was maried fo 5 years and he had an affair fo 6 months,,,,my situation was differant,,i dont even remember how it started or anything,,,i hve bits and peaces i remember,,,but i dnt recall it all,that is a horrible feeling as well.we all mess up at some point and we all make stupid decisions that we regret at times,,some worse than others. take care Link to post Share on other sites
MustBeGoingCrazy Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 If he didn't want the pain, he would have opted to leave you when he found out. The pain would probably be much worse for both of you all if you ended what you have together, even with the bumps it's had. You definately made the right call coming clean, you could have a happy marriage to a degree, but it would all be based on lies. People, IMO, who use the "I'm not telling them to save them the pain" are really just afraid of the consequences of their actions, and as such are almost rationilizing keeping it a secret. Good call, I am sure that your husband respects you all the more for coming clean, even if it was not something that he necessarily enjoyed hearing. Best of wishes Link to post Share on other sites
bethyboo Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 How can you say you don't believe in cheating? You are a cheater. If you were having intamicy issues with your husband, the answer would be to communicate with him and work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Good luck dartchik, I think you did the right thing. Now you just keep moving forward and don't look back. Best of luck. WA Link to post Share on other sites
bethyboo Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Am I crazy, or am I reading so many people saying that cheating is okay and just turn your head, or swipe it under the rug and it will go away. Being drunk is a excuse. Tell him, Don't tell him.....It shouldn't of happened. I am in a wonderful relationship and I would NEVER cheat on him. I would never put myself in a situation like that. If I get drunk, I can keep my lips to myself and keep all my clothes on. It's called Control and Commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
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