Pizzed about PORN

[dstnymusiq]

OK, I am new to this site but have been reading all the threads about porn and jealousy and I think someone on this site might have something to offer me. My boyfriend of 5 months continuously lies to me about porn. Before we were going out I used to watch porn, had no problem with it, and also had no problem with casual sex... but when we started going out I completely changed myself for him. I give my all for him, and I expect that in return. So, about a month or so ago, because he knew it bothered me, he initiated the idea that we both delete the porn and pictures of hot girls and guys off of our computers. SO I thought things were really changing. I deleted my brad pitt pics and all the porn that i had. I also had nude chics like carmen electra and stuff. (The main reason I had those pics and porn is because it made me feel a little better about him having them)

 

SO I deleted mine and HE deleted his... supposively. But everytime i went near his computer after that he acted wierd and he just HAD to be there right next to me. SO one day when he went to class i went in his room and looked in his "My shared folder" and "Recycle bin", to find NOTHING but porn... NASTY porn. SO, although he DID delete what he HAD... he just downloaded videos and pictures, looked at them (and probably jacked off), and then deleted them, thinking I would NEVER find out.

 

When I confronted him all upset and stuff, instead of being sorry he just got extremely pissed because i "invaded his privacy". This was the second time i had gone on his computer. The first time was looking at his aim logs and found out that he had talked to his ex girlfriend, told her he missed her and everything(during a time we had broken up for something ELSE stupid), anyways, so each time i've looked on his computer, I've found something, and we've broken up... the breakups only lasted maybe a day until we realized we couldn't be without each other. AND he promised to never download porn again...

 

ANYWAYS... so, today, i just got the urge to look on his computer again when he went to class, just to see if he was still being trustworthy. Although i supposively promised to never do it again... I can't trust him, so i guess he can't trust me. But I looked on his computer, in his recycle bin, and there was like 20 items of porno stuff created then deleted yesterday... So I opened up Kazaa, and he had like another 20 already downloaded or in the process. THEN I looked on his online history (which he usually deletes, I know that because I HAVE checked that before while he was in the room) ANYWAYS, there was practically nothing but porno sites that he had gone to in the last 2 days...

There was also this one website with the basis of "find wet, wild, hoes in YOUR area"

 

I AM SOOOOOOOOOO PISSED!!! BUT I don't want to bring it up because then i'll have to say I invaded his privacy again... I am so confused on what to do. Inside I feel so betrayed and don't know why the f*@# I'm still with him (We've been through soooo much more than this) But I feel so disrespected. It was just 2 nights ago that he got really drunk and made the biggest ass out of himself, treated me like crap, so the next morning he's like "I'm soooo sorry I'll do anything for you i love you soooooo much" and only to find out that he loves me sooooo much he had to go download a bunch of porn and look at websites while i was in class.... WHAT IS GOING ON?! WHAT DO I DO?!

 

If he REALLY loves me why can't he just STOP downloading porn and pictures and going to those nasty websites???

I would NEVER do this to him... I'd do anything FOR him... how can I confront him without him getting pissed off about me looking on his computer???

[UCFKevin]

Come to terms with it and accept it or end it. Don't try to change him.

[dyermaker]

It's not an issue of love, don't use love as a weapon. There are, instead, two issues.

 

One, he likes porn. This should be his prerogative, and it's healthy in and of itself. You like porn too. Start looking at yours again, for the reason that you enjoy it. Don't try to hide it, just fulfill your desire on this end.

 

However, issue #2 is that he's exhibiting signs of an unhealthy sexual compulsion. The fact that he's lying to you, hiding it from you, and making false promises is understandable. He's embarrased of it, and thinks that if you catch him doing it, you'll go haywire. He was right. However, the part that migrates into sexual compulsion is the fact that he's indulging in your analysis of love's role in the porn use--what I mean is, he's saying the next morning that he loves you, so he'll stop.

 

Perhaps, unlike LS veterans, he hasn't had the chance to truly see how many women there are who are in your situation, and feels that his only hope of controlling the situation is lying to you. Either way, one of you has to change, and since it's truly impossible to change another sentient person, you either have to change your perception of porn in order to recreate an environment free from secrecy, or you have to terminate the relationship entirely.

[Jessica]

You looking on his computer is not the issue. The issue is that he mislead you. If you are going to make an agreement with someone, it needs to be true. It seems like he might be trying to portray himself to you one way, and still be another.

 

I think you have every right to discuss this with him. Tell him straight out what happened. Here's the thing--women have instincts...I'm sure your instincts told you something wasn't right...you just followed up on your gut feelings.

 

My advice, procede with caution.

[HokeyReligions]

Wait a minute,

 

You have only been together five months and you've already been through sooooo much more than porn issues.

You looked at his computer without his permission and behind his back.

You found things that you didn't like. (if you are going to eavesdrop then expect to hear/see things that may hurt your feelings)

You expect him to 'give his all' for you (did you tell him this? did you tell him you are giving your all for him?)

Everytime you look on his computer you find something to breakup over.

 

 

Stop guilting him so that he has to hide things from you.

Trust his feelings for YOU and stop linking his feelings for you to his natural/physcial quest for porn and/or masturbation.

Stop looking on his computer.

Talk with him and set boundries together that you can each attain.

Or break up once and for all and find someone better suited and who you do not feel you need to change.

[Leigh Anne]

Originally posted by Jessica

You looking on his computer is not the issue. The issue is that he mislead you. If you are going to make an agreement with someone, it needs to be true. It seems like he might be trying to portray himself to you one way, and still be another.

 

I think you have every right to discuss this with him. Tell him straight out what happened. Here's the thing--women have instincts...I'm sure your instincts told you something wasn't right...you just followed up on your gut feelings.

 

My advice, procede with caution.

 

Wait a minute! Invading someone's PRIVACY is NOT AN ISSUE?? This is porn, not infidelity! Maybe she needs to make an agreement with him that she won't invade his privacy, I guess one must start making agreements about that; how naive of me to think respecting a person's privacy is a GIVEN! Silly me!!!

 

Have you women ever considered that maybe they lie to you because telling you would not lead to any understanding, as there isn't any communication there, just a bunch of irrational insecurities and guilt trips!

 

PS. And yes, my bf looks at porn too. He is a living, breathing MALE! I am glad for that! And our sex life is amazing!

[faux]

Originally posted by dyermaker

It's not an issue of love, don't use love as a weapon. There are, instead, two issues.

 

One, he likes porn. This should be his prerogative, and it's healthy in and of itself. You like porn too. Start looking at yours again, for the reason that you enjoy it. Don't try to hide it, just fulfill your desire on this end.

 

However, issue #2 is that he's exhibiting signs of an unhealthy sexual compulsion. The fact that he's lying to you, hiding it from you, and making false promises is understandable. He's embarrased of it, and thinks that if you catch him doing it, you'll go haywire. He was right. However, the part that migrates into sexual compulsion is the fact that he's indulging in your analysis of love's role in the porn use--what I mean is, he's saying the next morning that he loves you, so he'll stop.

 

Perhaps, unlike LS veterans, he hasn't had the chance to truly see how many women there are who are in your situation, and feels that his only hope of controlling the situation is lying to you. Either way, one of you has to change, and since it's truly impossible to change another sentient person, you either have to change your perception of porn in order to recreate an environment free from secrecy, or you have to terminate the relationship entirely.

 

I wanted to quote Dyer, as he made many good points that I agree with. I thought that by quoting them they would further stand out. I do not have any replies to what Dyer said, and just want to add in my opinions:

 

It was wrong of you to look in his AIM logs, and to go on his computer. This was an invasion of privacy, and I am a huge privacy advocate. Please do not misunderstand me though: I feel that his lying is wrong as well. There seem to be some trust issues here.

 

Your boyfriend does have a right to view porn, and so do you. If it is something that you enjoy you should do so. Try to remember that he is with you, and that men view porn for different reasons. Many men use it to accompany masturbation, as we are more visual and tend to have trouble fantasizing all in our minds.

 

He may look at porn, but he likes you. As Dyer said, he's most likely lying because it's a rather embarrassing subject. He should be able to tell you that he is looking at it, however. I believe that if he were honest about that, you might have less of a problem with him viewing the porn. It seems that you are more concerned that he is lying to you.

[Confused123]

you know I can relate to this post. Actually my first post was about my boyfriend and his porn use. However, I have come to some terms on this issue. I used to look at his history, I used to think it meant I wasn't enough for him..

 

But, I have come to see that it is not about me. Even though, I still have to remind myself some times. I really do understand how you feel. It is like you just don't cut it. That these women are better then you. But, tha tis not what it is about. Men just like PORN...

 

Now i suggest you STOP looking on his cimputer becasue it does you no good. It makes you feel like **** and then you can't tell him why. I have been through it all before. So, what I did was tell myself. Ok, he loves me, he is not a cheater, doesn't disrespect me, doesn't even hardly go out with out me. If he wants to look at some porn when I am not around, well so be it.... You will drive yourself crazy if you try and control him.. Just learnt to accept it of move on... Or buy the Rabbit, like I did, I have my own secret pleasure now too.....

[befuddled11]

I'm guessing by the fact that you've mentioned a few times about "going to class" that you're both students. Not sure if you're still in high school or in college...but I'm guessing it's safe to assume you're both young (well, and considering you admitted to having pictures of Brad Pitt lol).

 

You've only been together for 5 months. You're not his mother or his wife. Get off his back.

 

You wrote:

 

. Before we were going out I used to watch porn, had no problem with it, and also had no problem with casual sex... but when we started going out I completely changed myself for him. I give my all for him, and I expect that in return.

 

You made the choice to "completely change yourself for him." He didn't ask you to, now did he? You did that of your own accord.

 

He has a right to his privacy. I don't know how you have such regular access to his computer (do you live together or something???), but if you don't trust him, then break up and find someone who's behavior doesn't upset you. You liked porn before you met him and admittedly had no problem with it. So what's the problem now? Why did you expect him to "change for you", what, because you changed for him?

 

If I were him and I had a girlfriend snooping through my computer constantly, I'd be p*ssed and I'd tell her to take a hike.

 

If you don't trust him, then leave him and find someone else.

[dstnymusiq]

I have been posting replies to this forum and NONE of them have shown up! I don't even know if this one will. And I wrote aLOT!!! OMG

 

Ok I'm trying this one more time... the part about "am I expecting him to change for me because I changed for him", you're right... HOWEVER, HE is the one that started the whole CHANGE thing. HE wanted us to both delete the porn off our computers... SO the problem is that he continuously LIES to me about having it. And yes we are both college freshmen. I'm 18, he's 19. He lives 2 floors below me, and his suitemates always leave their door unlocked.

 

Another point, I know, he does have a right to his privacy, but I guess I was just feeling like, we share EVERYthing, and I have NOTHING to hide, so why does he? and then of course i realize he's lying to me about porn...

 

ANYways, so it's over, this is like the 5th time we've broken up. We should've never started going out. We started off on the wrong foot... and now I realize that... I really hope this post shows up because if it doesn't, i'm done, no more, agh

 

Also, my new theory...

 

It is absolutely stupid and pointless to have a relationship in college... because the whole time the guy will just be lusting over the slutty girls/ porn stars... so you might as well just go have fun being a f(@kng slut... I am so vengeful right now... I mean, he had all he could have possibly wanted... good sex, I'm a pretty toned chic, size C, nice a$$ (so I've heard) and No i'm not full of myself but sometimes you gotta tell yourself these things to make yourself feel better... but anyways, why was it not good enough? so i guess I'll just be single, and never let myself get attached to another f*@ker again... because they'll just want me the way I was Before the relationship... ahhhh

F*@k love... it f(#cks you...

[JamieLeigh514]

I completely understand. I understand all these posts regarding "women having issues with their partners looking at porn". It's interesting to read what the opposing views are.

 

Porn has been one of the biggest problems in our relationship. In the beginning, it was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. Then, it was the constant partying and drinking. Then it was porn. These issues still exist, in my mind, today. They definitely don't exist to the extent at which they did in the beginning and things have been working out. But they just seem to repeat themselves in cycles. He gets a phone call at 2AM from a number he claims not to know and the person hangs up. I'm sure it was just a wrong number... but there's always the chance that's it really is someone he knows (like an ex-girlfriend, or a not-so-ex). Well, I always seem to take my chances. Then, he goes out with his friends and comes home with that glossy red-eyed drunken look. Pisses me off. I'm a recovered alcoholic, so even just the smell of alcohol on his breath and skin disgusts me. He went out tonight, and in the history on our computer there were about a hundred different porn-sites that he looked at today. I thought I've come to terms with the porn issue. But, he seems to look an awful lot during the week while I'm not home. Then I clicked on some of the pictures he was looking at (just to see what he seems to like). Then, my blood started to boil. EWWWW!!! It makes me feel really grossed out! Some of the thoughts running through my head... "I guess he likes chics with ugly faces, as long as they have huge boobs", "He likes lesbians in the shower", "I didn't know he had a thing for Christina Aguilara", "Figures that he likes looking at Next Door Nikki and Kate's Playground", "Wow, these girls are fully clothed... so why is he looking at them??", "These girls look like highschool girls".

 

I could go on and on... I also see that he was looking at a site where you can see if these sluts are online and you can IM them or something. What the hell is wrong with this world. Isn't the naked body supposed to be beautiful and sacred? Well, it's not. That's a complete fallacy to this country. The naked body is something to be exploited and make money off of. I tried explaining to my boyfriend that these girls are probably desperate and need money. The probably have boyfriends and here he is looking at some other guy's girlfriend and jerking off to her pictures. How would he like it if I sold my naked body to men all over the world so they could fantasize that they are fu@#ing me!

 

Oh, well. I guess it just makes you feel worse to know the details of their fantasies (such as who exactly they are thinking about fu@#ing). It also seems to me that a lot of the fantasy part of it is taken away when there's nothing left to the imagination other than imagining their... oh well, you get the point I'm trying to make.

 

Well, as for my reply... I think this was more of a chance for me to just vent. Sorry.

[ace876]

You know, this thread is ridiculous.

 

Every man I have ever known uses porn.

 

It's just a question if they admit to it or not.

 

Tell him to "stop doing it" and he'll be using it in secret, guaranteed...

 

-Ace

[dstnymusiq]

What's rediculous is that I DIDn't tell him to stop looking at it... he CHOSE to tell ME for us to both delete it off of our computers... and THEN continuously lie about it. THAT is what this post is about. Like porn all you want, but that doesn't justify lying and hiding it when you don't even have to.