Ex and I are currently NC, appreciate insight-game plan to move forward

[iceweasel6]

@leave book at her house - nope, bad move! This is for you, not for her. This is not for you to learn and then try and teach her. This is for you to learn and implement in your life.

Stop thinking about her. Read it for you. Don't contact her. Make yourself a better person.

 

Just download kindle for the mac/pc. Got to amazon.com search for Attached and send a sample to your computer.

 

Damn dude, you really need to get out of that mindset where your thinking of doing all these things for your ex - that's whats driving her crazy! Your making it worse. Nothing you can do will bring her back. Nothing. Anything you do, that does not include obtaining skills of communication, intimacy, understanding, support, and increased self security will just push her away and make it worse.

 

Get it??!!! Work on you.

[reallyconfused2542]

i know im just really being a baby about all this, im trying to get my mind caught up with all this.

 

just wondering if i do obtain all these skills how will she ever know?

 

and i do agree with everything you said im just trying to get insight on all of the angles.please forgive me if the questions sound repetitive as im trying to understand everything

[iceweasel6]

Because, if she does call, you would have moved on with your life, mindset in such a manner that you will be the best person that you could possibly be - and she will recognize that.

 

If she doesn't call - you are still the best person you could possibly be, and you will attract an equally amazing person.

[reallyconfused2542]

wow just reading the sample now and i definitely fall into the aviodant category. hope if i read the rest it can help me grow into the secure because i know what i need to do, just have to do it. where do you think you fit in in that book?

[iceweasel6]

Yeah!!!!

Your eyes are finally opening. Welcome to the real world Neo!!

hahahahahaha.....

 

I'm a mixture of avoidant, secure. There are some avoidant behaviors that I do exhibit.

 

The entire list of books are just as good as this one. They each have their place, and no one is magic bullet.

 

Happy reading, learning and growing.

[iceweasel6]

Day #3 of NC,

 

Made a couple of great breakthroughs today.

Wish she could see how much I have grown since she was last here and how I am more attune to recognizing and meeting her needs. Crazy that when I look back at our last phone convo, I wish I would have said "I see that you don't want to talk about it - lets move on." But I didn't. Crazy how hindsight is always 20/20.

 

Going to finish reading this book today - Attached. It's one the best I have read so far.

Also going to may a counseling appointment today - to see how much progress I have made.

It's all positive steps.

 

Change for you, because you know it's the best.

[reallyconfused2542]

do you think youll contact her again?

[iceweasel6]

I'm almost positive we will have contact again, but what I'm doing, I am doing for myself.

I have characteristics that are harmful to intimate relationships, and going through life without actively making these changes is not an option.

I'm taking a stand - today - now to make changes to a more secure, stable characteristics.

 

49% through the book. Should finish it by this weekend.

 

Stay strong reallyconfused2542.

 

If you get a chance, read this thread by GreenCove. Literally, her ex sounds just like me, and she sounds just like my ex. It's damn near scary to read the things she writes. I had to check to make sure she wasn't my ex

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t275367/

 

It's a great read to identify some really important issues that have to be dealt with head on.

 

I will make a post later on tonight about my confessions. Being truthful is important. Change. It has to start today. Cannot be put off until tomorrow.

[reallyconfused2542]

im trying my hardest. find its good to post in the coping section where they have that "post here instead of txtn your ex" thread. at least lets me get out what i want to say. ive been reading quite a bit on here today about how people with BPD are and what its like to be with them. i think despite all my problems i can change them with a little bit of time. a person with BPD it seems like will spend a lifetime trying to make changes. although i would have been willing to work with here through them as crazy as that sounds

[iceweasel6]

Day #4 of NC,

 

I'm so busy, it's hard to focus on her - trust me it's a good thing, because I would give anything to talk to her right now, but I know i'm not there yet.

I've been reading the book "Attached" - not yet done, but it's an amazing book so far.

 

I have also made several appointments with a counsellor to see what changes I have made thus far. I am excited about the changes I have made, and how I am training my brain to recognize triggers that I used to respond to and set me off into a state of high activation. Now, that I have developed a level of comfort and proficiency with recognition, I would like to work on diffusing techniques, knowing the right thing to say at any given time (not a formula but a true deep understanding of appropriate comforting diffusing words) to prevent a situation from exploding out of control. These are such powerful skills.

 

For the first time in my life I feel in control of me. As a professional working in the healthcare industry, we have been taught to maintain a level of professionalism that affords us the ability to deal with crisis effectively day after day. It's like we are immune to pain, anxiety, frustration within a clinical context, but once i'm out of that context, the rules don't apply - I can't transition these skills into relationships - I have done it before and it doesn't work - because things are never black and white, there isn't a test you run to diagnose someones feelings or perspectives.

 

Today, I think I have finally started down a path to cracking understanding why I am the way I am, and how to make truly effective healthy changes towards communication, emotional maturity and intimacy.

 

Become the best you, you can possibly be and great things will happen.

Edited April 29, 2011 by iceweasel6

[reallyconfused2542]

so im about half way through the book and i have to say already its pretty life changing. the only thing that makes me really sad while im reading it is that i wish i had come to these realizations when i was younger, it would have made my life now much easier.

i hope that when i get done that it wont be so hard to change my ways to being more secure. i was kind of surprised to learn that i was a little bit of both when i though that i was only the avoidant. i was avoidant/anxious. definitely scored highest in the avoidant though. then anxious, then secure. given me a lot to think about

[iceweasel6]

reallyconfused2542,

 

Isn't it an amazing book!!!

Most of the progress I have made was before that book, but this book just helped solidify everything.

 

I am glad that you decided to procure this rare gem. I tapped highest in secure then avoidant.

 

I'm glad you are enjoying it, please share your thoughts and methods to integrate it in your life. For me, the exercises were good. I did it for 1 or 2 ex's but I quickly got the point. More importantly I wanted to test it in real life. So I went to my local bar which I always go to and grabbed a diet coke and just listened to people talk and really trained myself to listen and hear what they were saying and try to pick up relationship conversation and categorize them in one of these categories. I got lucky with some chicks at the bar talking about boys and I totally scored. One was avoidant the other was totally anxious.

 

My next step is to identify triggers that affect me on the fly. Same situation, probably go to the bar and chat to some chicks and see how well I can pick up my triggers.

 

After that, I will probably practice on using these skills together to diffuse the triggers and the situations.

 

If your no good at doing it with strangers if you were around your ex, you will surely bomb as she knows the right buttons to push.

 

Hopefully it will come together elegantly, but I don't see this happening within a 2 week period, this is going to take some time.

 

I'm glad your on board buddy, and I'm glad you took my advice and read the book. You grasshopper are actually changing right now as we speak. Congrats on taking that first step!

[ThonyBellard]

I need to get that book..lol..I know im in need of dire help..I started talking to my ex and she went out last night with one of my friends luis..(she said strictly as friends..but i don't care..lol)..but then she text me today saying she just woke up..(it was 12:00 in the afternoon mine u)and then she texted me saying (she went to shooters a (bar in my town)..then went to a friend's house of course she wasn't gonna say the person's name so I asked her who..and she said luis..and I stop texting after that..f that..lol..she hadn't text me back neither and I hope it stays that way..man I need to get that book..lol:laugh:

[iceweasel6]

Day #5 of NC,

 

Wanted to talk to my ex or text her last night so badly. Was out with a group of friends last night. Had fun, just talking. I practiced a little of my techniques but decided to just chill and relax and be myself.

 

I understand that it takes a lot of effort to integrate something new within yourself to make it a part of you. But the effort it worth the reward - personal growth.

 

Have lots of work to do today.

Have a great day all!

 

thonybellard,

Understand you aren't with her, you can't judge what she does, and reacting to what she does shows insecurity. You should be secure enough to either A) say what you really want to say, or B) say what you really want to say

 

Secure traits does not include manipulation - eg: stop texting because what she is doing does not agree with what you would like her to do do, that is a avoidant protest behavior.

 

The book is not a miracle working device. It only allows you to see things for what they are. For me it solidified all the work that I have been doing before, but if I were to have read that book alone, it would not have been so impactful.

 

I'm not trying to dissuade you from reading it, just giving you a caveat that it's no miracle working, but it can start the process of opening your eyes to being aware of your relationship dynamic and how your own behavior damages your relationship.

[iceweasel6]

Day #6 of NC,

 

As I have stated before, for those who are just starting reading this thread: Currently on NC with my ex to work on me. I made an appointment with my counsellor. It's for next week Thursday, and i'm looking forward to seeing how much I have grown. I have also had previous group therapy and reading a few books about different self improvement aspects.

Difficult conversations, The Intimacy Factor, and Attached.

 

Each one is unique and recommended.

Difficult Conversations focuses on pretty much how to have difficult conversations within any context.

 

Intimacy Factor explores development and understanding of deep intimacy.

 

Attached - well, is exploring and understanding attachment types and how to create a more healthy dynamic within relationships, avoidance of pitfalls or how to seek out a more compatible attachment style to prevent harmful relationship dynamics.

 

Today I have to do get some serious work done. I pick up my Alum Ring (yeah - it's like a huge ring ceremony), and meet up with some friends to celebrate.

I graduate in 24 days!! Super excited! It's finally over.

 

Have a great day all.

[iceweasel6]

Week 1 of NC,

 

I thought I would use this post to let everyone know of my intentions. My goal is to reconcile with my ex.

 

So why NC?

First off, I need to work on me. I have become more insecure as time passed. I felt it would be better to work on me, become more secure, and understand why I think and do the things I do, and how to fulfill her needs - because I didn't know how. (validation of her emotions, thoughts and feelings - more difficult than it seems)

 

So whats the plan?

Be secure. Open, direct honest communication to her about what I have done, and how I am able to fill that area of our relationship that I previously was not able to fulfill.

 

Who will break NC first?

I don't think it's race to hold out from breaking NC. For anxious, or avoidant people holding out works because it creates a feeling of loss. My gf is secure-anxious --- so being direct and honest works best with secure types of people. They know what they want, and they are able to evaluate situations without all the manipulation that comes with NC.

 

What will I say?

Well, I don't know yet. I have a session this week with a counsellor to see how much progress I have made in my communication and recognition of my activators, and I am still working on diffusing situations in a very natural way. So these elements have yet to be dealt with - so the picture is not yet complete. Perhaps after I have spoke to my counsellor, I can tell you more what I will say, and I will most likely call her at that point.

 

Does she still have feelings for you?

Yes. She told me directly, and through text several times that it's not going away, and she is still sad. Like I said, a very secure person.

 

Is she seeing anyone?

From the last time I spoke to her. No. She also said she is not planning on dating anyone. But it doesn't make much of a difference to me. As a secure person, you put yourself out there, let her know how you feel. And your ok if she responds positively or negatively. You don't let negativity rule your thoughts, and you easily brush off those thoughts.

 

What book did you read?

Attached - go get a copy now, and start understanding why you do what you do.

Edited May 2, 2011 by iceweasel6

[reallyconfused2542]

almost through it, about 75 pages left. have a date this fri or sat that im pretty excited for. even though i never pictured myself trying the whole internet dating thing i set up an account and got a date first try. i really think the reading ive done should help me to be able to properly communicate things to her. its only the first time meeting so i obviously am not going to be professing my love but i should be able to pick up on signs a little bit quicker than before and make the appropriate corrections for my own problems and recoginize any that she has.

seeing that someone new is interested in me, and i doesnt hurt that shes smoking hot, really brought my spirits up. i do have to confess that i wish my ex could read this and maybe see where i was coming from and have some understanding about why i did the things that i did. but in the end it will be her loss because someone else will be on the recieving end of what i can now offer. i can only hope over my month long hiatus i can continue to grow as a person and rediscover myself and what makes me tick. im going to have to bring those other books you mentioned along with me for the ride. wonder if they have any of those on cd. i get carsick.

 

glad to hear that you still can make things right with your ex. the new you will be able to meet her needs and at least be contious of the faults or issues your having.

that was the thing that was most frustrating for me, not knowing why i found all those faults that were really insignificant in my ex and making me exhibit all the traits the book talked about

[iceweasel6]

It's been 9 days of NC,

 

I just finished the book "Attached" - towards the end is where the good stuff is - real skills to identify situations, and how to change your perception and making lasting changes in developing a healthier relationship.

Overall, it's about take a step back and considering other persons emotions.

 

Tomorrow I have a session with my counsellor, and I plan on calling my ex and talking to her.

Will update you on the outcome.

[iceweasel6]

This update is long overdue. I was actually considering not making an update, but the information I have gleaned, lessons I have learned are too valuable to keep to myself.

 

Remember, that your results will vary, and each situation is unique, but there are common threads of understanding that are woven into every conversation.

 

To get it out of the way - the ex and I are getting back together. She is buying a ticket - YES - she is buying a ticket to fly out here to the east coast to see me and have a date! (I am splitting the cost of her ticket)

 

How did it all go down?

First let me say this, nothing in this world worth having comes easy.

 

After spending 2 months apart, and limited, if not no contact. I spent the better part of 2 months working on me. Serious introspection. Seeing a relationship counselor, really delving into my issues and trying to become a better person. I changed up my circle of friends and surrounded myself with people who were in stable, healthy, committed relationships. I learned from them, and they in turn let me in on secrets of success. Ideas such as "paying the price of admission", being assertive but not aggressive, knowing how to read between lines (this was a huge one - it's not what they say, it's about the emotions they are conveying - took me a while to understand this, and i'm still tripping now and again today).

 

I then decided to write my ex a hand written letter on parchment (from Papyrus). This was no ordinary letter. This letter was not about getting her back, or explaining my faults. It was about sharing my feelings, letting her know I understood hers, explaining clearly what the letter was for, what I hoped to accomplish, why I decided to write a letter, why we went wrong, and why I know how we can go right in the future.

 

The door was there for her to open or remain closed.

 

5 days after sending the letter in a fedex tube (versus in a envelope, I did not intent to send it in a tube, but I didn't want to fold it, and decided to instead roll it up and tie it with a silk bow) I got my response. She had a few questions, but what she was immediately taken back by was the care, and thought I put in to the letter. Yes, it literally took me 5 weeks to write, and was proofed by 4 women. They were my words, my emotions, my perspectives, and most importantly my understanding.

 

It has been 2 weeks since we reconnected and we are planning a date. Taking things slowly, day by day to ensure our success.

 

I have not seen any woman during our period apart. I set myself up by surrounding myself with those who have similar goals as myself, and sought help in the right places to gain insight into my behavior in order to close the door on the person and behavior patterns that I was in the past (no easy task).

I believe that it's not what you do when your around her, and she sees, but it's what you do when you are apart when no one can see your actions that determines your character, motives, and true intentions.

 

For those of you who are trying to get your ex's back - the change does not start with your ex - it starts with you.

 

BTW - notice through out this process, I never asked what my ex was doing, who she was dating, seeing, hanging out with. They aren't the focus as you change - you are. Focus on you. Change you, and you will change your circumstances.

 

One important thing I left out - be prepared that they have moved on. But by the time you get to the end, you are prepared to move on as well. You will know it when you get there.

 

Best of luck.

I will try my best to stick around and help those who need help reading between lines when your ex sends you messages or emails. I found this the most difficult thing to do, but with practice it gets easier to acknowledge the feelings/emotions of what your significant other is really trying to say.

Edited June 21, 2011 by iceweasel6

[Johnny85]

I sincerely enjoyed reading your update - I am very happy that it worked out for you. Sometimes in life, the last thing we need is to live only in the moment, for it only enables us to focus on life as we see it then and there. For me, I really did not realize what I had until it was gone; it is silly how even the smallest things remind me of her and moments that we shared together.

 

I haven't heard or tried to contact my former girlfriend for nearly five weeks. This is the longest time that we have gone without speaking to each other in four years. She was my best friend, someone I bonded with everyday. And now, it's all gone. How do you accept that it is over when everyday you hope you will hear from her again?

 

Would you be so kind to be more detailed about the outline of the letter that you sent her? The most important part of the letter is that it comes from the heart; do you have any recommendations from the ladies who proofread your letter?

 

Once again, thank you for sharing your experience. I am happy for you.

Edited June 22, 2011 by Johnny85
d

[iceweasel6]

I sincerely enjoyed reading your update - I am very happy that it worked out for you. Sometimes in life, the last thing we need is to live only in the moment, for it only enables us to focus on life as we see it then and there. For me, I really did not realize what I had until it was gone; it is silly how even the smallest things remind me of her and moments that we shared together.

 

I haven't heard or tried to contact my former girlfriend for nearly five weeks. This is the longest time that we have gone without speaking to each other in four years. She was my best friend, someone I bonded with everyday. And now, it's all gone. How do you accept that it is over when everyday you hope you will hear from her again?

 

Would you be so kind to be more detailed about the outline of the letter that you sent her? The most important part of the letter is that it comes from the heart; do you have any recommendations from the ladies who proofread your letter?

 

Once again, thank you for sharing your experience. I am happy for you.

 

Thanks dude. It has been a journey. I didn't know what to expect. Whether she accepted what I had to say by opening the door or closing the door and completely rejecting me. I guess I had reached that point where I was ok with the changes I made in myself to be a better person. How I speak/interact, perceive, and communicate with others, as well as how I express my feelings (i'm a guy - expressing and emotions are the two furthest things on my mind) which ultimately lead to my growth to see how my behaviors hurt myself, and more importantly how it hurt others.

 

 

How do you accept that it is over when everyday you hope you will hear from her again?

 

It may be the hardest thing you do, but you have to accept that you all didn't work out. You have to accept that. Something caused a fracture / break in the relationship at that point. Does it mean you all are not good for each other - (your not going to like this answer) - Yes! - BUT - at that point. In the absence of change, if you all were to get back together at this very moment, right now, you all would end up broken up again. Once you understand that - and really understand that reality, you will see that a change in you (not her) needs to be made. Change you, and you really do change the circumstances of the relationship / dynamic.

 

The most important part of the letter is that it comes from the heart; do you have any recommendations from the ladies who proofread your letter?

 

I had my relationship counselor and 3 close friends take a look at it. My recommendations would be to make the changes first to allow you to write the letter. A woman can tell when a letter comes from a changed person. Vocabulary is different, insight is deeper, sentence structure and descriptions are different. The overall pattern changes. It is literally transformative. You are not the same person who you were before. Your eyes are open to things that before you never saw or recognized.

 

 

Would you be so kind to be more detailed about the outline of the letter that you sent her?

 

1. start with why you decided to write the letter

2. what have you been thinking about

3. What the purpose of the letter is

4. What your thoughts and reflections are

5. What your thoughts and reflections you have on the relationship

6. Acknowledgement of not so much of what you did wrong, but more acknowledgement of her feelings (from her perspective); how did your failure to provide a safe secure relationship impact her; how did your lack of understanding of her emotions, feelings, perspectives impact her

7. How are you today. What did you do in your time apart - literally (not a step by step but overall theme; eg: solitary reflectiveness, expanding boundaries, accepting others, enriching your life, diversify your routine, was she at the forefront of your transitions in a healthy way - not obsessively but as a reminder to keep growing

8. Close it all in a sentence.

 

Just a reminder, this isn't a formula. Just a guideline of some of the things that was pertinent for me, but generic enough to apply to most relationships. Use it to guide you in writing - but remember that you can't write about things you haven't changed.

 

Best of luck.

Edited June 23, 2011 by iceweasel6

[Johnny85]

Thank you so much for your nice reply. I am so grateful for the people on Loveshack.

 

Since I haven't spoken to my former girlfriend for over 5 weeks, I realize that a habit is being established. I do miss her, even after having been apart for over 5 months. I just feel that she was the one who decided to break up, and leave me for another man. As long as they are together, there is not very much that I can do. Maybe I am just lonely. But once reality and logic sets it, I do realize that I do deserve better than her. Unfortunately, I tend to reason with emotions these days more so than with logic.

 

Thank you again, Iceweasel. Your help is much appreciated.