GaelicSoul Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Hi All, I found this on a webpage http://www.baggagereclaim.com/ that was recommended in another thread, and this really struck a chord with me. I was dumped cruely back in January by me ex GF of 2 1/2 years for no reason besides, "i love you but im not in love with you anymore". Im 27, and she is 25. I have maintained NC for nearly four months now, and i admit i have my ups and downs. I immediatley deleted her from facefook, and told myself to move on. I have not heard from her, and i havent contacted her, besides asking after 3 weeks if she wanted meet for coffee, for which she initally agreed too, but declined on the 11th hour saying "i hope you understand". I have focused on my work, and have began dating other women and have began to move on and improve myself. Here is something i read today which i hope you will find helpful: Many people who end relationships this way very likely suffered from emotional neglect as a child and never emotionally matured into an adult. It’s like dating someone with the mind of a 5 year old child. They have the body and mental capacity of an adult but the emotional level of a child. They were emotionally neglected by their parents and never learned how to mature. Imagine a little girl playing with a toy. She throws it down for the new toy and never looks back, without any thought or compassion for the old toy. Would you expect a five year old to sit down and rationally discuss a relationship? Of course not. They are not capable and nether is your ex. They typically can not handle any type of responsibility and go through life attaching and detaching to people, never being able to truly maintain a functional long lasting mature relationship. When they hurt people, they can’t even comprehend what they have done. Does a child feel bad when they say, “I hate you?” It’s a psyche that normal functioning people can’t even understand. Many go from job to job never being able to keep one for any long period of time. Drug and alcohol abuse or other such issues are common. The sudden dumping usually occurs when some dynamic within the realtionship changes. (getting married, moving in together, being confronted about the drugs or alcohol, demanding they find a job, making a committment, etc). They run scared because their partner has asked them to grow up and it terrifies them because they never learned how to grow up. So they sabotage the relationship. They close the door on you and never look back. And cruelly leave you without any answers. When someone treats you like this, it is some of the worst pain and suffering a human being can ever experience. And you have done nothing to deserve this and remember, it has nothing to do with you. Their problems are completely independent of you. Sadly, they will repeat this pattern throughout their life and never achieve true happiness with anyone. The person after you is not gonna get a better deal, trust me! You are better off without this person in your life and being a mature adult, you will be able to heal from your pain and go on and find true happiness with 2 Link to post Share on other sites
silvermane187 Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Describes my ex pretty well... Link to post Share on other sites
Moutonrose Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 wow! reading that made me undestand alot about my ex bf....7 years and dumps me saying he has stopped loving me....and has felt that way for the past 2 years!!! imagine how hard it was for me to find out the past 2 years were just lies....big lies. every I love you was fake, every kiss was fake.... it's just so cruel Link to post Share on other sites
Bateman Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Yeh no joke, my ex really did have some troubling issues when she was young. Won't get too personal because I respect her privacy but it was something I know I could not have dealt with at her age. She did act like a child a lot of the time and seemed unable to emotionally cope with things that bothered the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
DontWorryBHappy Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Thank you so, so much for this post. This IS my ex. He had never had any close relationships with other people before me, and always had a lot of superficial relationships. He constantly "joked" about things that were true about himself, like that he has the mind of a 5 year old. And no kidding, he used those exact words more than once. He even told me he gets along so well with kids because he thinks just like them! I also have gotten the sense that he can't comprehend other people's emotions. I felt that way in the relationship time after time and I also felt that way watching him interact with other people. My ex also broke up with me suddenly, and told me he no longer loved me (after he had been saying it just before). Thanks SO MUCH. This might be my biggest break through realization yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Rosa Tamora Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 sounds quite like my ex too. Dated for almost 3 years and ended it in March. Wait, no, he broke up with me 3 times! First reason was my fault, i own that, 2nd time he ended it with me because some joke i made to his cousin about cousin's gf addding him on FB but snubbing me...he saw that email, came home, broke up with me and ran off, only to return the next day saying he is sorry and wants to work it out, wants to work on himself. I told him to write me a letter to list the things he has been unhappy about. He promised he would. 6 weeks, 2 gentle reminders later, he ends it with me saying: "I know relationships are work. But this is too much work" The guy ran out on me, then came back and I gave him a chance and asked that we talk about how he is really feeling. Too much work? I don't know what imaginary scale he is using. I'm his longest relationship at 2 years, 9 months. His previous relationships: 2 girls at 8 months each 1 girl back in 2003 lasted 1.5 years. Everyone I talk to just thinks he is confused and wants to run away. His dad was alchoholic, mom was busy trying to hold the family together. Also, he split up with me 2 weeks after his parents split up. Don't know if that influenced how he felt towards the end there. Makes me think of Mumford and Son's "Little Lion Man" Link to post Share on other sites
happiness0421 Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 WOW - thank you so much for posting this; describes my ex to a 'T'. Things I already assumed, just never saw put into words like this... He was estranged from his father, who was emotionally & physically abusive. And he found out during our relationship that his father had not only died, but killed himself. My ex looks & seems very put-together on the outside, but on the inside, he has a lot of troubles and deep-seated issues. What I tell myself (even though it's hard) is that I really wouldn't want to deal with these types of issues in the long run, so I guess it's better that he broke up with me now, and not 5 years down the road if we were about to get married or something. YAWN!!! But seriously, thanks for the post and the link...helps a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GaelicSoul Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 Your welcome, i hope you all found it useful. My Ex had alot of issues from her past, which were never dealt with by her. I tried to help, but ultimatly it is up to themselves to help themselves. I have no regrets. Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Yep, I've been there as well. I got an "Im so scared you'll (emotionally) hurt me." It came down to her feeling the need to leave me before I left her (in her mind). I think that illustrates the irrational decisions that can stem from emotional immaturity. Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Yes, I would also agree with this. Although I was the "sudden dumper" it was only because I found my ex was emailing personals on Craigslist and looking up escort services. However, he made no attempt at all to come clean. He lied and denied over and over again, trying to convince me he was hacked/spammed. Having afterwards found HUNDREDS of emails to CL personals stored in his contact list I saw that there was a long time pattern of this and other things. His previous relationship was on/off on/off over and over again. He did the same thing to her, although I don't think she knew it. He is the one that sabotages the relationships, although he may not "suddenly" end them. There was a huge history of abuse by his father, from what he told me, as well as a very strange love/hate relationship with his mother. He was also bullied and abused as a child in school. He would prefer to have someone with him 24/7, but we all know that is not possible. When he cannot have that, he turns to his "fetishes". Very sad really. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Baggage Reclaim is an awesome site!! That person is very insightful and direct in her approach to dealing with relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
selena_cat Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 I have always loved Baggage Reclaim and suscribed to its blog all the time even though i sometimes I dont want to hear the truth,Natalie tells it like it is. Although sometimes I think ok how many times are you going to tell me,he doesnt want you he doesnt want you. That still doesnt make readers feel better but even more rejected. I like to find that exact article,Gaelic. it is good Link to post Share on other sites
This Hurts Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 This is incredible. Link to post Share on other sites
flyman Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 This is so true, whenever something important changed in the relationship. She ran away. I dated this girl twice. The first time, got dumped by text messages while I was out of town, the day after the anniversary. Then not too long after NC, she came back to me. I ultimately gave in and got back with her. Eventually, things didn't work out too well so I broke up with her like an adult should have. Sat and talked, dealt with everything. Hopefully, that will allow her to understand that relationships are more than toys to 5 years old kids. Link to post Share on other sites
fiat500 Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 bumping for truth. i've been dumped this way before and i would have much rather preferred to be shot than to be thrown out in this dishonorable way. parental neglect doesn't always come in the form you usually picture it. my ex was spoiled and showered with whatever he wanted. he never valued human relationships since growing up taught him that he could just get the next new and awesome thing. this toy is boring? time for a new one! life is pretty easy. one thing stood out however. he once told me that his parents never helped him with an emotional problem. he had always been left to solve it by himself. this caused lack of empathy (he had another complaint by another ex about this) and a history of going through relationships like toilet paper. parents don't realize the extent of damage they can do to not only their child, but to the hundreds of other people that try to love and accept their child. it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyMiner Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 Sadly this describes my ex too. I wouldn't really say that she was 'neglected' as a child but she definitely didn't have a typical up-bringing. We were together for 8 years and broke up 2.5 months ago, mainly with her saying that she "loved me but was not IN love with me" and wanted to try being "young, free and single" and to date other people as she hadn't been able to since we were together from so young (we met when she was 14 and me 15, we're now 22 and 23 respectively). She moved to a foreign country with her mum and brother after her parents separated when she was 8 ish and so grew up and was educated in a foreign country, although her education was in English. The man her mother moved in with in the foreign country basically stole all her mothers money and left them living in a shack. She was out partying in night clubs at the age of 13, and this was pretty normal for where she was living. She was drinking at that age as although there were obviously laws etc they weren't enforced there 10 years ago, and after a recent visit it still seems to be the case. She was pushed through the education system as she showed some extra intellect and so jumped 2 or 3 years ahead of people her age. For those in the UK, this meant she was taking her GCSE's at the age of 12/13 and her A-levels at the age of 15/16 (for those in the USA, A-levels are the sort of level exams you take in your final year of high school). She then headed to University at the age of 16 to carry out a 5 year degree and has recently started work using her degree and is the youngest person within her profession in the UK. I always thought that her up-bringing was pretty special and almost wished that I had had the same opportunities, but throughout the separation she has behaved rather immaturely, initially not discussing the reasons why etc. Also, when she separated, I asked her how long she had been having doubts and she said upwards of 2 years... 2 years? Are you kidding me? And she never had the urge to sit me down and talk through her problems or issues with the relationship like adults should. Link to post Share on other sites
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