ayjt80 Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 He is no longer a friend. I told him that it wasnt fair to his wife and I didnt care if it meant our friendship. I told him that I would and did tell his wife. He said that i would have to "watch my back". What was I to do? They were married for 5 years. The wife was very upset she knew something was going on but she didnt want to believe it, I just confirmed what she already knew. She even thanked me saying she knew it was hard for me to tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 I have to ask . . . why are you posting this news in the OW/OM section instead of in Infidelity? That being asked . . . I'm thinking maybe you should have tried to talk to your friend & told him you disagree with him & that he should tell his wife. Or at least made him tell him before you did. I just think it should come from her husband but I do understand the sentiment of her wanting to know. Still, you're his friend & I feel you could have honestly helped him more by expressing your feelings about it & why you think it is wrong before you go & tell his wife. I mean, first try to help your friend before you do something you know he isn't going to like. As a recent OW I told some friends about being involved with xMM & some were 'supportive' in that no matter what I told them, they just listened & tried to empathesize, while others were 'supportive' in that they told me they disagreed with what I was doing for various reasons, all of them boiling down to the fact that it was inherently wrong & sure to bring misery to everyone involved, including me. None of them made any friendship-ending moves like you did, & if they had, well, they obviously weren't true friends to begin with. I can tell you that what I needed was for someone to really listen to me & help me see my way through it [like I found on LS, & from my sister] - not someone to throw me to the wolves when I had confided in them. So I don't agree with what you did but what's done is done. If you have peace with it, then good, go on your way without your 'friend.' Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Oh, I just re-read the title & I have to say that by my definintion at least I don't think you were ever his 'good friend' by any means. To me a 'good friend' equates to almost family-like status & I would never do anything against my good friend . . . I may have to cut them out of my life temporarily or permanently if they are toxic for me but other than that I stand by them, try my best to see where they're coming from even if I don't agree with them, & express my honest opinion & try to help them see the light if they are doing something I consider to be wrong or unhealthy. Just like family. Then again he wasn't ever your good friend either or he wouldn't have responded by saying 'watch your back.' If you had done this to me I would say, goodbye, you are not my real friend, have a nice life, but I never would have quasi-threatened you with harm. So I think it all boils down to the fact that you guys were never as good of friends as you thought. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Wrong on so many levels. He was wrong to tell you. You were wrong to tell his wife. It's not your business to butt into their marriage (even if he did tell you) He should have told her - If that's what he choose to do. Friend? Nah. I say neither one of you were very good friends to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 OP, I think you did the right thing. What if the d-bag brought an STD home to his wife and you COULD have prevented it? People who are telling you you were wrong are or have been OW or WS. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Wrong on so many levels. He was wrong to tell you. You were wrong to tell his wife. It's not your business to butt into their marriage (even if he did tell you) He should have told her - If that's what he choose to do. Friend? Nah. I say neither one of you were very good friends to begin with. Ha- Confused- we said the same thing. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 OP, I think you did the right thing. What if the d-bag brought an STD home to his wife and you COULD have prevented it? People who are telling you you were wrong are or have been OW or WS. What a coincidence, since this happens to be the OW/OM forum. He posted here so perhaps he wants our insight. [Which is why I asked him why he posted here.] Also I don't understand your post because if the d-bag brought home an STD to his wife, she probably already has it. Unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Should post in the infidelity section. Why didn't you discuss with this male "friend" before you blabbed HIS biz to his wife? Who are you to judge and play GOD? Apparently you think you are above reproach in the way you live your life. Hopefully they will be able to work it out somehow, and I'm sure you won't ever be welcome in their home again. FYI... I've been an OW and a Betrayed one too! I think people should keep their noses out of others business. The guy was a total idiot to even tell anyone about his A. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 I think people should keep their noses out of others business. Oh, the irony! Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Again with the irony! Donnmaybe, Why do you come to the OW/OM forum just to laugh at the things that OW/OM [or former ones] say? I think it is very sad & says something about you that you have nothing better to do but look down on those of us who are here for support. I am not saying BSs or non-OWs shouldn't be allowed here must hand-hold or coddle, etc. I have found the advice of BSs & non-OWs to be very helpful & respectful, yours in the past included, but it is posts like these of yours that make me upset. If you are not here to help OW/OMs then why do you waste your time coming here just to get your rocks off throwing stones & jokes at us? I think this is quite shameful & I am honestly asking why you do it because it doesn't make sense to me. I really hope you can find your happiness through some other way than this because it only incites & inflames the very people who come here for support & that is just wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 OP. Congrats on doing the right thing. I have been there too. I had no problem with telling the BS and having proof to back it up. It is not easy to do the right thing when the wrong thing is the easiest. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Why do you come to the OW/OM forum just to laugh at the things that OW/OM [or former ones] say?.You, above all others, should know quite well that's not the only reason I ever come to this forum. I posted very thoughtfully in your thread. However, when someone says they told the BS about the A and folks jump all over him and say things like "you shouldn't butt into someone else's marriage" I just can't help but find it ironic that this advice is coming from some of the very people who have butted into someone else's marriage in the most heinous way possible. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 You, above all others, should know quite well that's not the only reason I ever come to this forum. I posted very thoughtfully in your thread. However, when someone says they told the BS about the A and folks jump all over him and say things like "you shouldn't butt into someone else's marriage" I just can't help but find it ironic that this advice is coming from some of the very people who have butted into someone else's marriage in the most heinous way possible. Yup, yup. :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Good for you OP. I liken cheating to abuse, and you can't stand idly by watching a husband beat the crap out of a wife. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 He is no longer a friend. I told him that it wasnt fair to his wife and I didnt care if it meant our friendship. I told him that I would and did tell his wife. He said that i would have to "watch my back". What was I to do? They were married for 5 years. The wife was very upset she knew something was going on but she didnt want to believe it, I just confirmed what she already knew. She even thanked me saying she knew it was hard for me to tell her. Did you know his wife well or were you just his friend? Just trying to understand your circumstances with him overall.. How did you find out? Did he tell you hoping to get support and you listen to him or did you find out on your own? He's upset and feels betrayed by you and unfortunately for you, he probably feels that since you messed in his life, now he's going to mess in yours. It doesn't matter whether or not you did the right thing or not, what anybody here thinks of that, bottomline is, his wife thanked you for telling her and confirming what she felt in her gut. Stay out of it now, back off and don't wonder what is going on or call her to find out. If they choose to stay together and work it out, or divorce, don't get involved or give your 2 cents to her .. Or to him. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 I think an interesting question is.... If you posted "no"...would you mind divulging if you are an WS or OM/OW? If you posted "yes"...are you a BS? I think the divide is going to be readily apparent. The BEST question pertaining to this is, given what I assume the outcome of the little poll is, WHY? What do you think explains the stark divide? This issue has come up before and each and everytime the battle lines are clear...WS/OM/OM say "no" and BS say "yes". Anyone care to hazard a guess as to why? Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 . However, when someone says they told the BS about the A and folks jump all over him and say things like "you shouldn't butt into someone else's marriage" I just can't help but find it ironic that this advice is coming from some of the very people who have butted into someone else's marriage in the most heinous way possible. i outed one of my father's affairs. aqctually just outed another one a few months ago. Needless to say i was physically threatened the first time since I was a teenager and it was at home. The second time which is very recent he decided to take me out of his will. No big deal because I can support myself. My middle sister outed my oldest sister to her second husband. Wrong is wrong no matter who it is. Friend or family. Let me tell you if I was with a cheating partner and someone was kind enough to tell me I would appreciate it. Besides disease it does suck the life out of everyone in the home. Even the children feel it as the affair partner is getting what should be given at home. A cheater should be happy because now it gives them the chance to go be with their soulmate. So why is your friend angry. Sure way to end a marriage besides physical abuse is cheating. He took the risk and knew he may get caught and should be willing to take consequences for his actions. Evil is allwed to haoppen because good people stand by and say nothing. and when good people do have the guts to say something, others are jumping down their throats and telling them they should stay out of people's business. REALLY?? Obviously cheaters are allowing others into their business and their partners business so the BS should know there is an interloper. It just seems to be morals and integrity have gone out the window and narcissism is the new moral code. Everyone is out for themselves. whatever happened to watching out for your fellow man and alerting him when evil lurks in his proximity? Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 He is no longer a friend. I told him that it wasnt fair to his wife and I didnt care if it meant our friendship. I told him that I would and did tell his wife. He said that i would have to "watch my back". What was I to do? They were married for 5 years. The wife was very upset she knew something was going on but she didnt want to believe it, I just confirmed what she already knew. She even thanked me saying she knew it was hard for me to tell her. Good job! Now he can either recover his marriage in honesty or she can divorce him. This is the first step in doing the right thing. And honesty is always the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
HalfAlive22 Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Again with the irony! Lol! Right? Guess what's ok fir some is not for others:/ Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 I think an interesting question is.... If you posted "no"...would you mind divulging if you are an WS or OM/OW? If you posted "yes"...are you a BS? I think the divide is going to be readily apparent. The BEST question pertaining to this is, given what I assume the outcome of the little poll is, WHY? What do you think explains the stark divide? This issue has come up before and each and everytime the battle lines are clear...WS/OM/OM say "no" and BS say "yes". Anyone care to hazard a guess as to why? Yes, I am a former BS. I say yes for a couple of reasons. 1) I should be able to make decisions about my life with all the information that affects my life. I don't give a fat rat's azz who tells me. If I am dealing with a crooked accountant, lawyer or spouse. I need to know those things in order to protect myself and my children. 2) Though many AP like to believe(and for some it may be true) that the WS is one time cheater(with them), does not have sex with their BS or is honorable except for the cheating:rolleyes:, I chose not to go on that assumption. I would need to know so that I can protect my health and be their for my children. Mr. Messy was a person who cheated more than once(I found out after the last ow). I had sex with this man our entire marriage. I had sex with him while pregnant, putting my unborn child at risk. Who has the right to do that to another person? Who has the information that I may be playing Russian roulette with my life and feels they need to mind their own business? Would they feel that way if he were beating the hell out of me? Abuse is abuse. Was it okay for my children and I to wait on test results for weeks after the HIV/AIDS test? He nor OW were faithful. I was exposed to everyone each of them slept with. And according to ow her husband wasn't faithful(I don't know if that is true or not)but that would mean I was also exposed to who ever he slept with and they slept with....get my point? Had I contracted something that has no cure, who would have taken care of me and my children. I made no decision to have sex with anyone else once I got married. But the person I married decided that I would...every time he did and then came home to me. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 You, above all others, should know quite well that's not the only reason I ever come to this forum. I posted very thoughtfully in your thread. However, when someone says they told the BS about the A and folks jump all over him and say things like "you shouldn't butt into someone else's marriage" I just can't help but find it ironic that this advice is coming from some of the very people who have butted into someone else's marriage in the most heinous way possible. Interesting comment, because the OW was "invited" by the MM, which is hardly butting her way in! No one likes a tattletale, and that is what those of you who think it's ok to run to a wife and tell her all about her horrible cheating husband are. Tattletales, just like in grade school. Many of you are BS, I know, and suffer from sour grapes. Or you are holier than thou, and you all must live your lives above & beyond reproach! HA I think not. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Interesting comment, because the OW was "invited" by the MM, which is hardly butting her way in! No one likes a tattletale, and that is what those of you who think it's ok to run to a wife and tell her all about her horrible cheating husband are. Tattletales, just like in grade school. Many of you are BS, I know, and suffer from sour grapes. Or you are holier than thou, and you all must live your lives above & beyond reproach! HA I think not. No not perfect, not beyond reproach but I certainly didn't ask to be exposed to STD' nor my unborn child. I would "tattle" every time if it means I can help just one person, not to have to sit in a doctor's office and be told they have something they didn't go out and catch on their own accord. I will add tattletale to all the other adjectives and I could give a flying fig about somebody liking me for telling the truth. This is real life, not grade school where a teacher could pat you on the head and make it all better. Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Wow. I think some here have interesting definitions of what a friend is. All I know is that if my H was cheating on me, I wouldn't care who told me, as long as I was told. In fact, if my friend knew and purposely didn't tell me, then I would know they never were a real friend at all. OP, How dare he assume you would have his back on such a thing! No, he's no friend. I wouldn't worry about having to watch your back. He'll be too busy cleaning up his own mess to care about you. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 I think an interesting question is.... If you posted "no"...would you mind divulging if you are an WS or OM/OW? If you posted "yes"...are you a BS? I think the divide is going to be readily apparent. The BEST question pertaining to this is, given what I assume the outcome of the little poll is, WHY? What do you think explains the stark divide? This issue has come up before and each and everytime the battle lines are clear...WS/OM/OM say "no" and BS say "yes". Anyone care to hazard a guess as to why? I'm neither. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 (edited) Interesting comment, because the OW was "invited" by the MM, which is hardly butting her way in! No one likes a tattletale, and that is what those of you who think it's ok to run to a wife and tell her all about her horrible cheating husband are. Tattletales, just like in grade school. Many of you are BS, I know, and suffer from sour grapes. Or you are holier than thou, and you all must live your lives above & beyond reproach! HA I think not. Ah, the same old self serving refrain. Ha! I bet if someone called the cops on a guy who was prowling your car you wouldn't call them a tattletale. Edited April 27, 2011 by donnamaybe Link to post Share on other sites
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