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A good friend told me about affair with other woman


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bentnotbroken
Ah, the same old self serving refrain. Ha! I bet if someone called the cops on a guy who was prowling your car you wouldn't call them a tattletale. :rolleyes:

 

 

Tip toeing through her home.

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I think this is about fairness and rights, the wife in this situation has a right to decide what her life will be and that can only happen when she knows all the facts.

This is no different than the OW/OM that have affairs with people that are married, they decide what they will do with their lives knowing all the facts.

We are adults and surely we can understand both sides of this, If the affairs are because they love each other so much it does make sense to have it in the open so the affair couple can be together and the BS can move on with her life, staying hidden in secrecy hurts everyone involved..........If you are having an affair than you don't actually want to be married to that BS anymore.......there is obviously something very wrong with that relationship.........

Sure sometimes that thought pattern is one sided, but the one that is left out in the cold has the right to know and to decide what their plan will be from that point............

I don't understand what the problem is, I would want to know, I would do the right thing if I knew someone was being hurt like that........

If your married and you are not happy, leave the marriage, go with your OW/OM but don't disrespect and hurt someone needlessly...........

If you have ever been cheated on you will understand that kind of pain and having to let go of your whole belief system is hard...........

And why when you could have just left without hurting that person......

Not everyone is meant to be together, it takes strength to realize it and start over with someone else...........it is the right thing to do....

If the OW/OM are meant to be together so be it..........just do it the right way..........

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Ah, the same old self serving refrain. Ha! I bet if someone called the cops on a guy who was prowling your car you wouldn't call them a tattletale. :rolleyes:

 

Slam dunk, Donna!--good point.

 

 

To the OP---

I was put in the same position as you a few years ago, by my best girlfriend. She had a one night-'oops' with a guy in our extended circle of friends. Now that I think about it, I think there had been an EA going for awhile, leading up to it.

 

She finally confessed to me one night---and while my heart went out to her, I couldn't help but feel for the guy's long-term, live-in gf....

 

According to my best friend "they were breaking up anyways, he just hadn't found a new place to live yet........" but it really didn't sit very well with me, since my best friend did know the guy's gf, and had been friendly& chatty with her.

 

I ran into the betrayed girlfriend at a concert a few months later, and I felt soooo awkward around her, because I knew what had happened, but I wasn't sure if she did or not.So I didn't say anything.It was very uncomfortable, I had a hard time looking her in the eye.I felt guilty, and it shouldn't have even been my guilt!!!

 

Now with hindsight, I realize my best friend (I should say former best friend) really put me in an awkward spot by laying that in my lap, and I can't help but feel resentful........

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Tip toeing through her home.

 

 

A robber tiptoes into a house and begins to gather up the family's' possessions. Suddenly he hears a voice say "JESUS IS WATCHING". Frightened he turns around and scans the room but sees nothing. Shrugging it off, he continues. He then hears once more "JESUS IS WATCHING". He then shouts "who's there!" A parrot in a cage answers him. "MOSES". He yells at the parrot, "Who the hell would call a bird Moses! To which the bird replied, 'The same people who would call their pit bull Jesus.

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bentnotbroken
A robber tiptoes into a house and begins to gather up the family's' possessions. Suddenly he hears a voice say "JESUS IS WATCHING". Frightened he turns around and scans the room but sees nothing. Shrugging it off, he continues. He then hears once more "JESUS IS WATCHING". He then shouts "who's there!" A parrot in a cage answers him. "MOSES". He yells at the parrot, "Who the hell would call a bird Moses! To which the bird replied, 'The same people who would call their pit bull Jesus.

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

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Interesting responses here and it got me to thinking what would I do and I thought several minutes before I posted and I'm going to be honest and it's contradictory. :eek:

 

Since I know first hand what damage affairs can do to a marriage, the BS, the kids and the OW and I'm very regretful for my part in an affair because of those reasons and more.........what would I do if one of my very good friends or one of my brothers came to me and told me the news of they were having an affair. I think after I got over my shock and yes anger.......I would counsel them in any way that I could to put an end to it right now and I would not support them in it continuing, however.........I would not tell the BS. On the other hand (and this is probably where you are thinking how could I be that contradictory), if I found out factional information that one of my good friends or one of my brothers was the BS, yes I would tell them after I confronted the WS and told them that they could do it or I would.

 

It's about loyalty to the people that I love the most which isn't saying that I would support them in an affair but yet I would keep the secret.

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Did you know his wife well or were you just his friend? Just trying to understand your circumstances with him overall.. How did you find out? Did he tell you hoping to get support and you listen to him or did you find out on your own?

 

He's upset and feels betrayed by you and unfortunately for you, he probably feels that since you messed in his life, now he's going to mess in yours.

 

It doesn't matter whether or not you did the right thing or not, what anybody here thinks of that, bottomline is, his wife thanked you for telling her and confirming what she felt in her gut.

 

Stay out of it now, back off and don't wonder what is going on or call her to find out. If they choose to stay together and work it out, or divorce, don't get involved or give your 2 cents to her .. Or to him.

 

I knew the both of them, I guess i have storng feeling about cheating because I had to deal with it in my own life (I was cheated on) and know how it feels. The wife is a great person. My feeling is it wasnt fair to her. I also expect my friends to have respect for wife/husband because if they would cheat on them what would they be capable of to just a friend. its out of my hands now, i will let them deal with it.

Edited by ayjt80
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I knew the both of them, I guess i have storng feeling about cheating because I had to deal with it in my own life (I was cheated on) and know how it feels. The wife is a great person. My feeling is it wasnt fair to her. I also expect my friends to have respect for wife/husband because if they would cheat on them what would they be capable of to just a friend. its out of my hands now, i will let them deal with it.

 

I think you did the right thing. I hope he takes stock in his life and becomes the man he should be.

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I knew the both of them, I guess i have storng feeling about cheating because I had to deal with it in my own life (I was cheated on) and know how it feels. The wife is a great person. My feeling is it wasnt fair to her. I also expect my friends to have respect for wife/husband because if they would cheat on them what would they be capable of to just a friend. its out of my hands now, i will let them deal with it.

 

I applaud your honesty! I do not care who would have told me, even the OW herself, I had a right to know what was going on in my own life, my own marriage.

 

I too would wonder why my friend was telling me this information if they did not expect an honest reply from me. My friends know me well enough to guess what my response would be.

 

And if we wait for the cheater to divulge their feelings for another to a spouse, that would not be a secret affair now, would it?

 

That would separation with intent to date others, or an open marriage.

 

Yes, the ironies do abound.

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What a coincidence, since this happens to be the OW/OM forum. He posted here so perhaps he wants our insight. [Which is why I asked him why he posted here.]

 

Also I don't understand your post because if the d-bag brought home an STD to his wife, she probably already has it. Unfortunately.

 

 

25pb, I usually agree with you, but I have to disagree with this one. Even if she were already infected with something, she needs to be treated. I have a girlfriend who had a partial hysterectomy in high school b/c she had chlamidia that went untreated for so long (think she was afraid to tell mom and dad). And HIV - there is a big difference between beginning treatment now versus a year later. I'm not sure who I think should be the one to tell the BS (honestly for me it didn't matter who told me) but I think she has a right to know.

 

When I had to go for STD testing it was humiliating. I was not engaging in risky behavior - no IV drug use and I was in a monogamous relationship - so I thought. The worst part about being put in that situation is that I had done everything I could do be healthy and take care of myself and SOMEONE ELSE - my BF in this case, decided I was so worthless that I deserved to be exposed to possible STDs. I don't think to this day I have been able to get that concept through to him. We both tested clean BTW.

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I've been thinking about this a lot lately and have come to the conclusion that if you involve yourself in risky behavior, you open yourself up to these possibilities. It is no one's fault but your own if your affair is discovered, therefore, the people involved need to accept full responsibility for their actions. If they weren't involved in an affair, they would not be in this predictament to begin with. The affair itself is responsible for setting these consequences in motion.

 

If it was a family member or close friend I would tell. If I didn't know the BS or if they were just an aquaintance or work colleague, I wouldn't.

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confusedinkansas

Why is it someone's responsibility that's outside the marriage to keep the married partners accountable for their behavior?

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Why is it someone's responsibility that's outside the marriage to keep the married partners accountable for their behavior?

 

It's just the way some of us roll...

 

We do not or cannot turn a blind eye when we see, or are forced to hear, from a friend about to make --yes, in our opinion-- a very poor choice to embark on a course of action that could very well be self-destructive to themselves or others.

 

I wouldn't let you drive drunk, commit a crime, strike a child, gamble your paycheck and yes, have an affair without informing your spouse, IF you were my friend.

 

LS is filled with the untold heartbreak, devastation, and broken lives, not only of the unhappy cheater, but their spouses, children, family members and friends.

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Why is it someone's responsibility that's outside the marriage to keep the married partners accountable for their behavior?

 

It's obvious by now that some folks refuse to be accountable for anything they do. In a cheating situation, there is sneaking and lying going on, and there is a victim of that disgusting behavior. Withholding the information from the victim would make one an accessory. Some people cannot live with remaining quietly in that role. It's called a conscience.

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HarmonyHope
OP, I think you did the right thing. What if the d-bag brought an STD home to his wife and you COULD have prevented it?

 

People who are telling you you were wrong are or have been OW or WS. ;)

 

Funny though - weren't you an OW too Donna?

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I applaud your honesty! I do not care who would have told me, even the OW herself, I had a right to know what was going on in my own life, my own marriage.

 

I too would wonder why my friend was telling me this information if they did not expect an honest reply from me. My friends know me well enough to guess what my response would be.

 

And if we wait for the cheater to divulge their feelings for another to a spouse, that would not be a secret affair now, would it?

 

That would separation with intent to date others, or an open marriage.

 

Yes, the ironies do abound.

 

Good point Spark. My friends know me well enough to know my position on this kind of issue also.

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Why is it someone's responsibility that's outside the marriage to keep the married partners accountable for their behavior?

 

 

Most decent people subscribe to the do unto others rule.

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Why is it someone's responsibility that's outside the marriage to keep the married partners accountable for their behavior?

 

One part of it is choice in the same way someone can choose to feed a starving animal despite not being the animal's owner or report an assault or break in. Will you be the person who looked the other way or when pressed claim you "didn't see anything"?

 

Another part is, if you attended the wedding of the couple in question, you are responsible to a vow of your own. A couple marries in front of friends and family because those are the people they consider a support group who can help the marriage succeed and grow. This was the original intent of having guests present when making wedding vows. If you find that one half of the couple is shrugging their duty (cheating or otherwise) you've been asked prior to help them stay on track. You also made a promise to the betrayed spouse. You witnessed their love unite so that anyone questioning the validity can hear your testimony that the union is fact. Should you not also be willing to testify the fact of present danger?

 

What will you feel looking in the eyes of the one being betrayed? You should eat these feelings for the betrayer, but not warn the betrayed who laid nothing guilt heavy on your shoulders?

 

And, you can be honorable on this subject without being a former or current BS. Honor is also a choice.

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Because of first hand experience with father,sisters ,friends and relatives(due to it being more prevelenyt in my culture) I am interested in taking classes to deal with affair vcare and relationships.

 

Anyway, the #1 thing most therapist will say is the sooner the affair is discovered the better chance the marriage has to survive.

 

So a "friend" who literally stands by while the affair partners go down the slippery slope of becoming more attached and getting into the infatuation stage is literally not a friend of the marriage.

 

Why would you stand by whike you know someone is getting deeper and deeper into a relationship with another, meanwhile moving further away from the spouse who has done nothing to him but be a good and loyal spouse and stick up for the unethical one?

 

One has to wonder what ever happened to integrity,morality,character and the desire for good to rule over evil.

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One has to wonder what ever happened to integrity,morality,character and the desire for good to rule over evil.

I keep asking myself that very question.

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He is no longer a friend. I told him that it wasnt fair to his wife and I didnt care if it meant our friendship. I told him that I would and did tell his wife. He said that i would have to "watch my back". What was I to do? They were married for 5 years. The wife was very upset she knew something was going on but she didnt want to believe it, I just confirmed what she already knew. She even thanked me saying she knew it was hard for me to tell her.

 

 

That was a very foolish naive thing you did

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HalfAlive22
That was a very foolish naive thing you did

 

Yea cause she should just go on being the naive one to be made a fool of..not

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Yea cause she should just go on being the naive one to be made a fool of..not

 

 

There you go again...assuming that just because someone got cheated on they are innocent.... you all of a sudden know all their business....you just know their whole situation and you as an outsider (who really knows jack sh*t) should just go sticking your nose in other peoples situation....that you know f*ck all about. LMAO :rolleyes:

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