A good friend told me about affair with other woman

[enjoyingnewlife]

I loathe cheating but you should not snitch on your friends like this. You can tell him to to his face he is wrong but loyalty between friends which in many cases is like brothers should come first. I would never snitch on the people I loved even if I hated what they were doing.

 

 

must disagree with this one. the unibombers brother outed the bomber, and saved countless lives. even if a brother 'ratted' to a bs, but saved that bs from disease, possibly and unborn child to disease...code of honor goes to the 'rat'. there was a w, not bw, who outed her h for embessling $ donated to the cancer society. this $ was to save lives. he was using it to build a cushy life for the both of them. once she learned, she'd have not part of it.

 

it take more guts and class to bring embarrassing and painful information to light, than to ignore it.

[donnamaybe]

OP didn't unilaterally decide to interject himself into the lives of two strangers. His cheating friend made the decision to divulge his personal business to the OP. Once the cheater made that decision, OP was placed in the position of having to decide whether or not to tell the betrayed spouse, based on OP's own moral code.

Yup. This is what I keep trying to point out to the MYOB crowd. They want it both ways, apparently.

[StoneCold]

yes I understand this is a discussion board..

 

If you understand this then the following....

 

What I am pointing out is the contradiction between how you wish OP to behave ("to mind his own business") vs. how you are reacting, that is, by trying to tell the OP that what the OP thinks is rightfully his business, is not. By doing so, you are trying to "mind the OP's business," rather than your own. If you believe what goes on between the cheating friend and his betrayed spouse is not the OP's business, it is even less your business, since you don't even know the OP's cheating friend or the betrayed spouse.

 

OP didn't unilaterally decide to interject himself into the lives of two strangers. His cheating friend made the decision to divulge his personal business to the OP. Once the cheater made that decision, OP was placed in the position of having to decide whether or not to tell the betrayed spouse, based on OP's own moral code.

 

Since OP clearly knows his friend, and his friend's wife, better than you do, you are in absolutely no position to criticize OP's decision, whether he chose to tell or not tell; and you certainly have no basis to criticize OP if your mantra is that each of us should "mind our own business," because what OP did, or didn't do, is certainly none of yours.

 

 

is a moot point

[confusedinkansas]

OP was minding his own business. He felt a moral or ethical obligation to disclose his friend's cheating to his friend's betrayed spouse, as a fellow human being who deserved to know.

 

All you are saying here is "Mind your own business when it's convenient for the cheater's objectives."

 

Nope, it's my rule of thumb ALWAYS when it involves someone's personal/married life.

[StoneCold]

Yet, just like OP's friend, you insist on burdening others with the knowledge of your cheating..

 

Who am I burdening? you? give me a break.... "oh yeah some stranger god knows where is cheating...oh my bleeding heart"

 

 

If you insist on identifying yourself as a cheater, please don't complain should others do the same--just like OP did, when his friend told him about the friend's cheating.

 

 

Whos complaining?...his friend told the OP he is cheating (bone headed move)....the OP decided to tell.... the OP posts this on an open dicussion board looking for input... I gave my input because he pretty much asked for it. The discussion is between him and us about something he did...if theres more information to be added hes there to do so. That is in no way like him inerjecting in another relationship as a third party that he has nothing to do with and wasnt even invited to...getting involved one time and then taking off

 

I dont see where you see complaint

Edited April 29, 2011 by StoneCold

[donnamaybe]

Nope, it's my rule of thumb ALWAYS when it involves someone's personal/married life.

Was your AP married?

[donnamaybe]

No it's not a moot point. It hits directly to the heart of the matter: You're a cheater, you don't care about right from wrong [you've admitted that right here in this thread], and your motive is simply to do anything in your power to defend cheaters and bad behavior.

 

Run along now.

Pretty much sums it up.

[donnamaybe]

Then, as with Stone Cold, you need to mind your own business and not criticize the OP for what he did. That's his business. Not yours.

I find it SO ironic, though, when someone who has been involved in an A with a MP says people should stay out of others' marriages.

[StoneCold]

No it's not a moot point. It hits directly to the heart of the matter:.

 

Actually no it doesnt...the point went right over your head.... but what the hell....what do I care

 

 

You're a cheater, you don't care about right from wrong [you've admitted that right here in this thread], and your motive is simply to do anything in your power to defend cheaters and bad behavior.

 

Run along now.

 

ROTFLMAO

 

Do I care about right and wrong? I simply dont beleive in the concept when it comes to most things...I dont know a single person that lives their entire life in black and white and I'm willing to bet my last dollar this likely includes YOU...so spare me your hipocrisy.

 

you people are a trip

[donnamaybe]

Do I care about right and wrong? I simply dont beleive in the concept when it comes to most things

Until someone jacks your car; assaults your daughter; kills your dog, etc. etc. etc..

[confusedinkansas]

Then, as with Stone Cold, you need to mind your own business and not criticize the OP for what he did. That's his business. Not yours.

 

Donna - I'm not sure what my AP's marital status has to do with anything.

You all are just splitting hairs now.

 

IF a friend of mine told me something in confidence Then I'm not going to go blab it all over creation.

IF a friend of mine told me anything about their marriage (If it's a bad one) I'm not runnin to their spouse to say "OMG She thinks this or he thinks that about you"........This is THEIR business. Even if they told me .....it's still not my place to say anything to anyone else. period!

[confusedinkansas]

Until someone jacks your car; assaults your daughter; kills your dog, etc. etc. etc..

 

BTW We're not talking about death, dogs or assults here. We're talking about someone's personal life, personal marriage.

[donnamaybe]

 

Donna - I'm not sure what my AP's marital status has to do with anything.

You all are just splitting hairs now.

 

IF a friend of mine told me something in confidence Then I'm not going to go blab it all over creation.

"...all over creation." Huh? Um, I don't think that's what happened. The OP TOLD THE PERSON WHO WAS BEING F'D OVER!

IF a friend of mine told me anything about their marriage (If it's a bad one) I'm not runnin to their spouse to say "OMG She thinks this or he thinks that about you"........This is THEIR business. Even if they told me .....it's still not my place to say anything to anyone else. period!

Ah, but staying out of others' marriages has EVERYTHING to do with whether your AP was married or not.

 

And.... Just as I thought.

 

Wantin' it both ways.

[donnamaybe]

BTW We're not talking about death, dogs or assults here. We're talking about someone's personal life, personal marriage.

SC was talking about the concept of right and wrong, in which he doesn't believe MOST of the time. Until the crap is raining down on HIM, I'm certain.

[StoneCold]

Ah, but staying out of others' marriages has EVERYTHING to do with whether your AP was married or not.

 

And.... Just as I thought.

 

Wantin' it both ways.

 

 

actually necessarily..it really depends on teh state of the APs "marriage"....

[Silly_Girl]

I find it SO ironic, though, when someone who has been involved in an A with a MP says people should stay out of others' marriages.

 

I imagine you would. But, if we look at things through your eyes.... No one was invited in to the marriage in this instance. In an affair the WS asks another to join them... It's not really comparing like with like, I don't think.

[donnamaybe]

actually necessarily..it really depends on teh state of the APs "marriage"....

AKA rationalization

[StoneCold]

~sigh~

 

ok I'm not going back and forth with you Pork.... you're simply regurgitating the same half assed point...which is moot.... and I'm getting tired

 

You're just a person with a blind agenda...not even worth the time

[fooled once]

Oh, I just re-read the title & I have to say that by my definintion at least I don't think you were ever his 'good friend' by any means. To me a 'good friend' equates to almost family-like status & I would never do anything against my good friend . . . I may have to cut them out of my life temporarily or permanently if they are toxic for me but other than that I stand by them, try my best to see where they're coming from even if I don't agree with them, & express my honest opinion & try to help them see the light if they are doing something I consider to be wrong or unhealthy. Just like family. Then again he wasn't ever your good friend either or he wouldn't have responded by saying 'watch your back.' If you had done this to me I would say, goodbye, you are not my real friend, have a nice life, but I never would have quasi-threatened you with harm. So I think it all boils down to the fact that you guys were never as good of friends as you thought.

 

I think a real friend does exactly what the OP did. He told him he would not participate in his lying and cheating and if he didn't speak up and inform his wife of what he was doing, he would.

 

The OP was friends with BOTH people. If you want to get down to it, why did the cheater decide to involve the OP in his 'affair"? Why did he put him in the position he did by telling him what he was doing???

 

So 26, if your sister's husband was screwing a work mate, you would not tell your sister?

 

OP, I think you did the right thing. What if the d-bag brought an STD home to his wife and you COULD have prevented it?

 

People who are telling you you were wrong are or have been OW or WS.

 

Yep. once again, it comes down to cheaters not giving their spouse/partner the chance to live their life with the truth about what is going on. We have seen some OW who are bunnie boilers. Not only is a person being exposed to an STD unwillingly, but also to possible violence by someone. Not cool at all.

 

Should post in the infidelity section.

 

Why didn't you discuss with this male "friend" before you blabbed HIS biz to his wife? Who are you to judge and play GOD? Apparently you think you are above reproach in the way you live your life.

 

Hopefully they will be able to work it out somehow, and I'm sure you won't ever be welcome in their home again.

 

FYI... I've been an OW and a Betrayed one too! I think people should keep their noses out of others business. The guy was a total idiot to even tell anyone about his A.

 

Why did the friend decide to cheat? Why did he not life his life honorably? Why did he disrespect his wife so badly by cheating on her? Why should everyone be co-conspirators to an affair? Why didn't he keep his mouth SHUT? If he had chosen to NOT have an affair in the first place, there would have been no need for anyone to tell the wife!

 

Plus, the OP gave the WIFE the chance to make her own decisions on HER life. Seems her H was making all the decisions in regards to who SHE slept with. SHE was being exposed to physical harm in addition to mental harm.

 

i outed one of my father's affairs. aqctually just outed another one a few months ago. Needless to say i was physically threatened the first time since I was a teenager and it was at home. The second time which is very recent he decided to take me out of his will. No big deal because I can support myself.

 

My middle sister outed my oldest sister to her second husband.

 

Wrong is wrong no matter who it is. Friend or family. Let me tell you if I was with a cheating partner and someone was kind enough to tell me I would appreciate it. Besides disease it does suck the life out of everyone in the home. Even the children feel it as the affair partner is getting what should be given at home.

 

A cheater should be happy because now it gives them the chance to go be with their soulmate. So why is your friend angry. Sure way to end a marriage besides physical abuse is cheating. He took the risk and knew he may get caught and should be willing to take consequences for his actions.

 

Evil is allwed to haoppen because good people stand by and say nothing. and when good people do have the guts to say something, others are jumping down their throats and telling them they should stay out of people's business. REALLY?? Obviously cheaters are allowing others into their business and their partners business so the BS should know there is an interloper.

 

It just seems to be morals and integrity have gone out the window and narcissism is the new moral code. Everyone is out for themselves. whatever happened to watching out for your fellow man and alerting him when evil lurks in his proximity?

 

So for all those who claim the OP was wrong and butted in.....

 

If you have a friend who is being beaten by their partner, you should turn your back and not say a word? It is okay to not stand up to the bully or try to help the abused person? Really?

 

Damn glad I don't live in that world!!!

 

I knew the both of them, I guess i have storng feeling about cheating because I had to deal with it in my own life (I was cheated on) and know how it feels. The wife is a great person. My feeling is it wasnt fair to her. I also expect my friends to have respect for wife/husband because if they would cheat on them what would they be capable of to just a friend. its out of my hands now, i will let them deal with it.

 

You did the right thing. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently. You choose to live honorably and respectfully.

 

It has nothing to do with being a judge. You didn't lie. YOU told the TRUTH -- a truth the husband never wanted shared with his wife. How is that fair at ALL????

 

Why is it someone's responsibility that's outside the marriage to keep the married partners accountable for their behavior?

 

So again, if your friend is being abused by her husband, you would turn your back and MYOB?

 

If your sister's husband was screwing her friend, you wouldn't tell her? You would MYOB?

 

Since the H in this case was NOT being accountable for HIS behavior, and he had NO intention of telling his wife.... when was the wife going to be clued into the harm that was inserted into her life? You really honestly think no one should tell a wife that her husband has a mistress? that someone who could be mentally unstable, have STD's and is obsessive should be allowed into a marriage where one of the partners has NO IDEA of their existence? Really?

 

This is utter and complete bull****, in fact it`s been ages since I`ve seen so much bull**** in one place.

 

Unless you have an intimate emotional connection with a couple you should MYOB in any and all of their affairs.

If you do have such an intimate connection with a couple and discover one of them is cheating you should hash it out with the cheater.

 

It`s not your place to play games with someone elses relationship.

 

Again, why he is friend allowed to play with someone's MARRIAGE by being a cheater? Why is his wife not given the same courtesy? And again, if she had black eyes and bruises all over her and he tells you she "slipped" and then when you see her again in a month and she is again covered in bruises --- you should just turn your back and pretend no abuse is going on?

 

To some of us, infidelity is abuse - mental, emotional and physical abuse.

 

How is this right (to turn your back on a friend) in ANYONE's world????? The wife was a friend too....so she is entitled to know the truth about HER husband!!

[linwood]

Again, why he is friend allowed to play with someone's MARRIAGE by being a cheater?

 

Uhh..it`s his marriage he can do what he wants within it.

Some of you people are sooo damn bitter rational thought escapes you.

It`s sad really.

 

Why is his wife not given the same courtesy?

Because her husbands an ass.

 

And again, if she had black eyes and bruises all over her and he tells you she "slipped" and then when you see her again in a month and she is again covered in bruises --- you should just turn your back and pretend no abuse is going on?

 

To some of us, infidelity is abuse - mental, emotional and physical abuse.

 

This is what I`m talking about.

To even be able to rationalize serious physical beatings as being equal to infidelity is delusional.

 

Heartbreak is not the equivalent to repeatedly broken bones.

Humans don`t die or become permanently disabled by heartbreak.

 

How is this right (to turn your back on a friend) in ANYONE's world????? The wife was a friend too....so she is entitled to know the truth about HER husband!!

 

I didn`t say he should.

I said there were better ways to go about it.

 

However you should point out the post where the OP states he was a friend with the wife.

I only saw him state the husband was his "friend".

Delusion makes you see things that ain`t there sometimes.

[whichwayisup]

However you should point out the post where the OP states he was a friend with the wife.

 

I think (unless I'm wrong here) the original poster of this thread is a woman, not a man.

[alexandria35]

If I'm being honest here, I have to admit that I don't know for sure if I would tell the BW in this situtation. I do think that being burdned by my "friend" with that knowledge would probably ruin our friendship. Partly because I could never look his wife in the eye again. I would feel horribly guilty for keeping that kind of secret from her. What if the W found out about the affair in some other way and then asked me if I knew about it? Now I have to either lie and say 'no I didn't know' when in fact I did, or admit that I was well aware that her husband was cheating and I chose to participate in keeping it a secret for him. Ewww...what a terrible position for a friend to put another friend into. If I didn't have the guts to tell the wife I would most likely just start avoiding my friend and his wife altogether to try to distance myself from that kind of dirty situation. As far as I'm concerned the OP's friend damaged the friendship himself by unloading that kind of information on him.

 

I don't think the OP did anything sneaky or underhanded. He didn't spy on his friend to discover the affair and then sneak behind the friends back to blab to the wife. The friend told the OP about the affair. First of all it makes no sense to blab your personal business to someone and say people need to mind their own business. The OP probably was just going along minding his own business before the friend told of the affair. Secondly the OP told the straight up how he felt about that and what he was going to do if his friend didn't take steps to fix the problem. Then the OP stood by his words. Nothing shameful or cowardly about that. I admire the OP's courage.

[alexandria35]

Uhh..it`s his marriage he can do what he wants within it.

 

Umm..so since it's his wife he can hurt her anyway he wants to and nobody should stick up for her?

 

Some of you people are sooo damn bitter rational thought escapes you.

It`s sad really.

 

I'm not bitter.

 

 

Because her husbands an ass.

 

 

 

This is what I`m talking about.

To even be able to rationalize serious physical beatings as being equal to infidelity is delusional.

 

Heartbreak is not the equivalent to repeatedly broken bones.

Humans don`t die or become permanently disabled by heartbreak.

 

Well actually most people who have been physically abused will say that the mental and emotional abuse was more damaging then the physical. Bruises heal a lot faster than a broken damaged soul. And what if you knew a guy who only physically abused his wife a little bit? You know? maybe just slapped her around a little, not enough to kill her or permanently disable her? Would you turn your back on that.

 

 

I didn`t say he should.

I said there were better ways to go about it.

 

However you should point out the post where the OP states he was a friend with the wife.

I only saw him state the husband was his "friend".

Delusion makes you see things that ain`t there sometimes

 

unless I'm remembering something another poster said, I think the OP said that they knew the wife too and that she was a great person.

[Silly_Girl]

If you have a friend who is being beaten by their partner, you should turn your back and not say a word? It is okay to not stand up to the bully or try to help the abused person? Really?

 

Damn glad I don't live in that world!!!

 

 

FO, is this an assumption you're making? A moral judgement? Or have you actually fronted up the violent partner of a friend. Because had a 'friend' suggested doing that in my life, back then, I'd have begged them not to. Had they done so anyway there's a good chance our friendship would have been left to expire...

[Woggle]

I think that cheating is disgusting but you can't compare it to physical abuse. Nobody is an actual danger from being cheated on. Emotionally it tears them apart but it is like comparing armed robbery to murder.