A good friend told me about affair with other woman

[Woggle]

Woggle, I question your support for your cheating friend, whom you've mentioned from time to time.

 

Listen, if you don't realize that, if given the opportunity, your so-called cheating friend would do your wife in a heartbeat, and stab you in the back, then....

 

you still don't really understand how the mind of a cheater works.

 

Fair warning. You want to believe your so-called "friend" who's a serial cheater is a good guy, because in your time of need, he let you sleep on his couch (or something of that nature).

 

Self-deception is the worse kind.

 

I know for a fact he would never stab me in the back. This is the guy who gave me a couch to sleep on when I was struggling and told me I always have a place to stay if I lost my house in the divorce.

 

I think he just snapped after being betrayed by the third woman in a row. Right now he has no faith whatsoever in women and love b ut he would never betray me.

[Pyro]

I know for a fact he would never stab me in the back. This is the guy who gave me a couch to sleep on when I was struggling and told me I always have a place to stay if I lost my house in the divorce.

 

I think he just snapped after being betrayed by the third woman in a row. Right now he has no faith whatsoever in women and love b ut he would never betray me.

 

no guarantees in life.........

 

For being untrusting this is pretty naive of you.

 

I'm sure that every guy who has been betrayed by a close friend has said the same thing as you before it happened.

Edited April 30, 2011 by Pyro

[Woggle]

no guarantees in life.........

 

For being untrusting this is pretty naive of you.

 

I'm sure that every guy who has been betrayed by a close friend has said the same thing as you before it happened.

 

Maybe so but one thing I will say is that he broke it off with a nice girl so he wouldn't hurt her. He messes around with married women and known maneaters which might not be okay but he makes sure not to involve innocent people.

[fooled once]

Linwood - my responses below in bold.

 

Uhh..it`s his marriage he can do what he wants within it.

 

**And now his wife gets to make decisions regarding HER marriage.

 

Some of you people are sooo damn bitter rational thought escapes you.

It`s sad really.

**** Bitter? Why am I bitter? Why is it people throw that out when someone disagrees with them. You have your view, I have mine. Or is it against your policy to allow anyone else to have a viewpoint? We got it, you would MYOB. Great for you. Not for me, though.

 

Because her husbands an ass.

 

This is what I`m talking about.

To even be able to rationalize serious physical beatings as being equal to infidelity is delusional.

 

Heartbreak is not the equivalent to repeatedly broken bones.

Humans don`t die or become permanently disabled by heartbreak.

 

**Heartbreak leads to depression which can lead to suicide; or turning to alcohol or turning to drugs. Alcohol can cause death; as can drugs

 

I didn`t say he should.

I said there were better ways to go about it.

 

However you should point out the post where the OP states he was a friend with the wife.

I only saw him state the husband was his "friend".

 

**See the post I quoted below. Will you be sending me a PM to apologize or will you apologize on this post for calling me delusional?

 

Delusion makes you see things that ain`t there sometimes.

 

I knew the both of them, I guess i have storng feeling about cheating because I had to deal with it in my own life (I was cheated on) and know how it feels. The wife is a great person. My feeling is it wasnt fair to her. I also expect my friends to have respect for wife/husband because if they would cheat on them what would they be capable of to just a friend. its out of my hands now, i will let them deal with it.

 

FO, is this an assumption you're making? A moral judgement? Or have you actually fronted up the violent partner of a friend. Because had a 'friend' suggested doing that in my life, back then, I'd have begged them not to. Had they done so anyway there's a good chance our friendship would have been left to expire...

 

Is what a judgment Silly? What does "fronted up" mean? Are you wondering if I have ever been in the situation I described? If so, the answer is YES. I was right there when a friend (who is now deceased) took his fist and hit his wife in the face. I called 911. I was there with her when the police arrived. I sat with her while she gave her statement. I went with her to court for her restraining order. I was with her when he had a brain anurisym and had brain surgery. I was there with her when she made the decision to turn off the machines keeping him alive. I was with her when she chose to donate his organs. I was with her at the memorial service. I still have the restraining order paper - she asked me to take it so she didn't have to see it anymore. So yeah, I DO know what I am talking about.

 

I have also reported a child being physically abused by her parents. I have also done volunteer work at a local women's shelter for several years. So before you start questioning MY motives or MY assumptions - how about giving ME the benefit of the doubt that I actually can BACK UP what I say. Geez...this gets old.

[Silly_Girl]

Is what a judgment Silly? What does "fronted up" mean? Are you wondering if I have ever been in the situation I described? If so, the answer is YES. I was right there when a friend (who is now deceased) took his fist and hit his wife in the face. I called 911. I was there with her when the police arrived. I sat with her while she gave her statement. I went with her to court for her restraining order. I was with her when he had a brain anurisym and had brain surgery. I was there with her when she made the decision to turn off the machines keeping him alive. I was with her when she chose to donate his organs. I was with her at the memorial service. I still have the restraining order paper - she asked me to take it so she didn't have to see it anymore. So yeah, I DO know what I am talking about.

 

That's very sad.

 

But not the same thing at all. I was discussing whether, if a friend confided in you that they were being beaten up by their partner, and asked you not to say anything, whether you would then step in and confront him on his behaviour with a view to influencing the situation.

[fltc]

To drag this back on topic a bit, I'll offer an opinion. I think since HIV has made affairs a life-threatening situation the spouse MUST be told but if it were a friend of mine I think I'd tell them to tell their spouse and give 'em a time limit, probably 24 hours, before I'd tell the spouse.

 

I'm sure that would cost me a friend, possibly two if the spouse were also a friend but I have to live with myself.

[ayjt80]

Its not up to the OP to decide where his "thing" belongs to begin with as:

 

A) Its not his "thing" to rule over and

 

B) He is not a part of that relationship at all.

 

It depends how you look at it. With certain things you do mind your own business. However Cheating on an innocent mate is is one of the most selfish things that can be done. The innocent mate has a right to know whats going on. I know I would want someone to tell me if it happened to me. Its not my fault my former friend did this to his wife or himself for that matter. In the end he did it, now he can live with the decision. By the way his wife said she is divorcing him, I applaud her courage and I hope the judge rules in her favor.

[ayjt80]

I find it SO ironic, though, when someone who has been involved in an A with a MP says people should stay out of others' marriages.

 

 

I cant say it any better!!

[ayjt80]

I think (unless I'm wrong here) the original poster of this thread is a woman, not a man.

 

I am a male. Both people have been friends of my family for years.

[donnamaybe]

true friends do not allow people to destroy their own lives and those of others. True friends will stand in the way of the trainwreck to come.

Yup. I don't have any "true friends" who sneak around behind their partner's back and lie for months on end.

 

Seems to me the OP doesn't care to have anyone in his circle of friends with no integrity.

[Silly_Girl]

true friends do not allow people to destroy their own lives and those of others. True friends will stand in the way of the trainwreck to come.

 

MY true friends are there always. They do not police my life and impose their opinions and judgements unilaterally on to my personal decisions and relationships.

 

Where would it end? I used to speed on the motorway a fair bit, should my 'true friends' be calling the police each day I leave for work? If I pick the wrong school for my kid should they intervene? If I'm being bullied at work should they show up and tell me (and them) what to do about it? I'm curious as to where the borders lie for you Kristi and Donna...

[OldOnTheInside]

I honestly don't see the issue here. OP isn't "wrong" or "right". He just did what he did because he thought he had to. He's a big boy, ties his own shoelaces. He can make his own decisions in life. He just betrayed one friend instead of another.

 

So what is the problem exactly? Projecting?

 

In case the OP ever returns: I dunno if your male friend will ever forgive you but how is relationship with your female friend?

[Silly_Girl]

If they are your friend then their spouse should also be your friend. I will not let a friend get lied to about their life. The truth is what is important.

 

A friend's spouse automatically becomes MY friend? I'm very glad that's not how it works in real life.

[ayjt80]

I honestly don't see the issue here. OP isn't "wrong" or "right". He just did what he did because he thought he had to. He's a big boy, ties his own shoelaces. He can make his own decisions in life. He just betrayed one friend instead of another.

 

So what is the problem exactly? Projecting?

 

In case the OP ever returns: I dunno if your male friend will ever forgive you but how is relationship with your female friend?

 

Shes very upset about thee whole thing. Of coarse going though a divorce is a terrible thing. She is very thankfull toward me. She told me only a true friend would have told her about the affair. to be honest ive known her years longer than her husband. Im not looking for the husband to forgive me. In all honesty im shocked he told me because he knew I knew his wife for a long time. Maybe he wanted it to come out eventhough his reaction didnt seem like it.

[bentnotbroken]

Whoop Whoop!!!

YEAHHHH!! What Linwood Said! EXACTLY

M * Y * O * B

 

 

If screwing around is your thing, then if you can't do it where others know about it, then you should expect whatever comes from that. If you are my friend, then you already know if I find out, you might as well come clean, cause I am going to put it out there.

[Woggle]

It's sort of like doing drugs. If a friend were doing it I would tell them and try to help them but I am not going to the cops.

[donnamaybe]

MY true friends are there always. They do not police my life and impose their opinions and judgements unilaterally on to my personal decisions and relationships.

 

Where would it end? I used to speed on the motorway a fair bit, should my 'true friends' be calling the police each day I leave for work? If I pick the wrong school for my kid should they intervene? If I'm being bullied at work should they show up and tell me (and them) what to do about it? I'm curious as to where the borders lie for you Kristi and Donna...

The border lies where an innocent party is potentially being exposed to a life threatening STD.

 

"...wrong school for my kid..." OMG

[donnamaybe]

It's sort of like doing drugs. If a friend were doing it I would tell them and try to help them but I am not going to the cops.

That's a victimless crime. HUGE difference.

[donnamaybe]

A friend's spouse automatically becomes MY friend? I'm very glad that's not how it works in real life.

Since you aren't bothering to read with the OP has to say on the subject, here. I'll help you out.

I am a male. Both people have been friends of my family for years.

[OldOnTheInside]

Unless the OP promised not to disclose his friend's cheating to his friend's wife, there was no "betrayal" by the OP.

 

You got me there. OP, did you make any promises?

 

That's a victimless crime. HUGE difference.

 

We both know that isn't necessarily true donna.

 

Honestly, the guy cheats on his wife, then he puts his "friend" in an extremely ugly situation (choose between me or her). Grandiose levels of stupidity right there.

 

OP, I don't know the exact situation between you and the BS, but I think you should provide as much emotional support as she requires. Just make 100% sure that she doesn't rebound onto you.

[donnamaybe]

We both know that isn't necessarily true donna.

Okay, what with all the bloodshed in Mexico and all. However, in EVERY situation where someone is being blindsided by a slimey, slithering cheater, there IS a victim. EVERY time. And the price they pay COULD be their lives.

[Silly_Girl]

The border lies where an innocent party is potentially being exposed to a life threatening STD.

 

"...wrong school for my kid..." OMG

 

Okay. So my driving, for example, could cause an accident. What should I expect a 'true friend' to do about that?

[Silly_Girl]

Since you aren't bothering to read with the OP has to say on the subject, here. I'll help you out.

 

Kristi said 'a spouse's friend SHOULD be your friend'. It was a general statement and I don't think that's always the case. In fact I can think of many instances where it's not the case.

[confusedinkansas]

But the point is that you are taking the position that what happened between OP, OP's friend, and OP's friend's wife could not possibly be any of YOUR business.

 

Therefore, you can't second-guess OP for his decision to tell. That was for him to decide, and not for you to second guess.

 

Because none of it is any of your business--according to you.

 

Really?

I could say the same thing for those that are CHEERING HIM ON!

This is a discussion forum. What would be the point if we all had the same opinion?

 

You're right - It isn't any of my business. He asked. I only posted what I thought. Because Pork...same as you, I have an opinion on this topic.

 

Because I will always be the person that A) Is loyal to my Friends & B) butts out of others business (AKA: Not run & tell everyone who will listen) when it comes to things like this. Butting into these kinds of things not only is gossip it also adds unnecessary drama.

 

If the OP's friend felt it was the right time to tell his wife HE should have told her.

[bentnotbroken]

Really?

I could say the same thing for those that are CHEERING HIM ON!

This is a discussion forum. What would be the point if we all had the same opinion?

 

You're right - It isn't any of my business. He asked. I only posted what I thought. Because Pork...same as you, I have an opinion on this topic.

 

Because I will always be the person that A) Is loyal to my Friends & B) butts out of others business (AKA: Not run & tell everyone who will listen) when it comes to things like this. Butting into these kinds of things not only is gossip it also adds unnecessary drama.

 

If the OP's friend felt it was the right time to tell his wife HE should have told her.

 

 

I would agree with you about running and telling anyone who would listen, but telling the spouse is the one who is potentially in danger. Question, would you feel any responsibility if the BS contracted something that could take them away from their family and could have completely prevented had they known? Just a general, hypothetical situation.