A good friend told me about affair with other woman

[OldOnTheInside]

Because I will always be the person that A) Is loyal to my Friends & B) butts out of others business (AKA: Not run & tell everyone who will listen) when it comes to things like this. Butting into these kinds of things not only is gossip it also adds unnecessary drama.

Being loyal and supporting friends are admirable traits. I can agree with that. But I don't consider total apathy towards a friend's situation to be admirable in the least.

 

Remember that OP's friend chose to tell him. A stupid decision (on his part) as I said before, and one that puts the OP in an awkward situation since he is close friends with both of these people. By telling him, OP was essentially trapped in a Catch 22. That was extremely selfish on the male friend's part.

 

Consider this: What if you knew a married couple, you were very close friends with both, and one or both of these two was being abused? Whether this abuse is physical, mental, or sexual is unimportant. Do you tell somebody, or do you let this situation continue?

 

Have you ever been placed in a situation like that CiK? What did, or would you do? Did it work out positively?

 

Keep in mind that cheating is potentially a form of mental abuse, depending on the state of the marriage beforehand, and the reasons for cheating.

The STD risk could also be considered a form of physical abuse but I'm just grasping straws there...

Edited May 2, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[Silly_Girl]

Consider this: What if you knew a married couple, you were very close friends with both, and one or both of these two was being abused? Whether this abuse is physical, mental, or sexual is unimportant. Do you tell somebody, or do you let this situation continue?

 

Keeping out of another's business is not the same as 'permitting' it to happen. You make it sound as though the outsider is enabling/condoning (you used the word 'allow').

[bentnotbroken]

I really wish someone had told me, and I didn't have to find out about my husband's affair the way that I did...

 

 

There was one story on another site that has always stuck with me. A woman in her late 30's had waited to finish her education and establish her business waited to marry. She married and after a couple of years decided to have children. They went through infertility treatments but finally managed to conceive.

 

She was happy waiting for her first child. She started having problems, doctor sent her in for test. She had an STD and the baby was in trouble. She says her husband accused her of cheating, she denied. She went into premature labor, the baby died. Only then did her husband confess to having had a mistress for most of their marriage. The mistress was married, her husband also cheated. They all had contracted the STD and the child died. She could have been spared or at least warned.

 

She said there were people in his office who knew, knew the ow and knew that she had no clue. I wondered if the same people would have attended her baby shower if there had been one. She also is no longer able to conceive. Seems like a big price to pay because someone didn't want to step up and save her the grief.

 

I know this is not necessarily the norm. But for a number of people it is. The HIV/AIDS rates have leveled off but still people contract through sexual contact. Whether one's spouse is on the down low, a drug user or a person who feels it is okay to have sex with someone other than their partner and without the partners knowledge or permission.

 

I want someone to be brave enough to give me the options of how to live my life. I want someone to be brave enough to tell my siblings or my children if they were put in such a dangerous position. We constantly talk about MYOB, but it that is the case for everyone, what is the point of community watch if not to protect your fellow man? What is the point of domestic abuse hot lines or 911 when it does not involve you personally? Why aren't we MYOB then?

 

I can't live with myself if I knew I could make a difference and chose not to.

[BB07]

Powerful and moving story Bent. I'm thinking.......thinking and thinking some more.

[jlola]

Bent,

 

Thank you for that story because it triggered a few memories I did not remember. Cheating is prevelant in my culture. So everyone just minds there own business cause so many are guilty.

 

Anyway, I have a cousin C who had a brother-in-law M(her husband's brother). The brother-in-law's wife was having an affair and contracted AIDS. This was about 15 yrs ago when is was very dangerous unlike today where there is lots of medication to prevent HIV from gettng worse.

 

Anyway, brother-in-law did not have AIDs which was very lucky. They had 2 small boys when she died. Though he did not contact the virus,who is to say he may not have eventually if she did not get sick or was just a carrier?

NOONE told him about the affair. But lots of folks knew.

 

Another couple is one where the wife is a nurse and the husband is a dentist. He gave her herpes. She is a latina and you know what that means. She drove right over to his clinic and not only confronted the affair partner. But told the whole staff off for not ONE person alerting her since she sometimes came to the clinic to help out and knew them all.

 

T5hey are divored now and she had 2 daughters from that marriage. I gather it must be difficult for her to date and quite embarrasingto tell someone she has herpes.

 

If someone does not want to damage their marriage,they need to stop having the affair or not get involved in one in the first place. The quicker an affair is discovered, the less damage to a marriage it has and the marriage can be salvaged. The longer the affair, the worse it is for the betrayed wife and harder to forgive.

 

I have read soooooo many sites where people who had affairs beg others to stop with their affair until it is too late because affairs destroy lives. Affairs are so destructive because with the security of a home life, it is easy to look at the "romance" you get from an affair AS much more than it actually is.

 

You begin to take away the focus and attention from real life partner and give it to affair opartner. The romance begins to mean more than the security.

 

I also find it so amazing almost everyone having affairs will tell AP they never really loved their spouse or married them out of obligation. You would think we are living in a country where you have no choice who you marry.

 

They conveniently forget how in love they were initially in the infatuation stage.

 

But most people having affairs know nothing about the stages of love and do not realize the chemicals that take over your brain during infatuation eventually die down. Your body then reacts to your old love as a sedative. Calm and secure. Unlike the new love which the chemicals make you feel as though you are on amphetamines. That is why you get so high on new love. Especially one that is forbidden and is intermmittent.

 

So outing an affair is a must. They thrive in darkness. You do not have to be physically present to tell. But sending an annonymous e-mail nor letter would be the least humane thing you can do. If more people outed affairs perhaps less people would have them as they are very difficult to keep secret from everyone.

[bentnotbroken]

This is a story that has always stuck with me and I always wondered what if my children had to go through this after having dealt with it as children. Having watched our lives explode and us slowly pick up and start again. Why should they have to deal with it again? *shrug* I realize so many really don't give a damen or thay feel as if "love/lust" is the bandaid that should cover everything when the dust settles. For some that may very well be the case...for others not so much.

[donnamaybe]

So outing an affair is a must. They thrive in darkness.

Ironically, so does mold.

[ayjt80]

NEWSFLASH: I got a call from the husbands brother and father. The brothers call was a slew of profanities calling me every name you can think of. The fathers was more of a your side of the story type of call and he wanted to know why. I ended up talking to the father for about 30 min. In the end the father was more disapointed with his son rather than mad at me. But he still didnt like the fact i told the wife. the brother on the otherhand was hung up on. I dont know if the two calls were coordinated though.

[confusedinkansas]

NEWSFLASH: I got a call from the husbands brother and father. The brothers call was a slew of profanities calling me every name you can think of. The fathers was more of a your side of the story type of call and he wanted to know why. I ended up talking to the father for about 30 min. In the end the father was more disapointed with his son rather than mad at me. But he still didnt like the fact i told the wife. the brother on the otherhand was hung up on. I dont know if the two calls were coordinated though.

 

See - This is what I was talking about.

Now YOU Sir have unnecessary drama in your life. Do you have a wife? Kids? I'm sure all of this will affect them as well.

This is EXACTLY why I butt out of other's VERY PERSONAL & PRIVATE business.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have much respect for the difficult decision you made despite what consequences it might have on your life. I would certainly hope that I could expect the same from anyone that I call friend. I guess there is some truth to the adage, " no good deed goes unpunished".

[ayjt80]

See - This is what I was talking about.

Now YOU Sir have unnecessary drama in your life. Do you have a wife? Kids? I'm sure all of this will affect them as well.

This is EXACTLY why I butt out of other's VERY PERSONAL & PRIVATE business.

 

I wouldnt call it drama in my life, its just the sad consequence of what infidelity can do. Im glad I did what I did and I would do the exact same thing if I had to do it over. No regrets whatsoever. I have a GF and she told me that what i did showed courage and it proved to her that she can always trust me. Its had a very positive effect on my relationships with my GF and true friends.

 

Just a side point I gained the respect of many of the wifes relatives. I even got a fruit basket from her parents. Thanking me for looking out after their daughter. Just that in-it-self tells me my decision was the right one.

Edited May 4, 2011 by ayjt80

[jzaz]

I would have to agree with the OP. I have respect for him for what he did and I dont even know him.

[sally4sara]

This is utter and complete bull****, in fact it`s been ages since I`ve seen so much bull**** in one place.

 

Unless you have an intimate emotional connection with a couple you should MYOB in any and all of their affairs.

If you do have such an intimate connection with a couple and discover one of them is cheating you should hash it out with the cheater.

 

It`s not your place to play games with someone elses relationship.

 

I'm sorry you don't like it, but it is one of the original intentions behind inviting guests to a wedding. People use to actually be members of a community.

 

And in the same way someone might drop a friend who developed a drug habit and knew they stole from a mutual friend to fund said habit - someone might not want to mix with a deceitful person either. They are the people you can count on to screw you over if you're in the way of something they want.

[donnamaybe]

This is EXACTLY why I butt out of other's VERY PERSONAL & PRIVATE business.

Wellllll, that's not entirely true now, is it?

[donnamaybe]

NEWSFLASH: I got a call from the husbands brother and father. The brothers call was a slew of profanities calling me every name you can think of. The fathers was more of a your side of the story type of call and he wanted to know why. I ended up talking to the father for about 30 min. In the end the father was more disapointed with his son rather than mad at me. But he still didnt like the fact i told the wife. the brother on the otherhand was hung up on. I dont know if the two calls were coordinated though.

Eh, don't worry too long and hard about it. Sounds like these are the type that ascribe to the "good old boys" network. F 'em.

 

I wonder if daddy was a cheating scumbag....

[donnamaybe]

They are the people you can count on to screw you over if you're in the way of something they want.

Which is exactly why I don't have people like that in my circle of friends.

[Woggle]

I hate to bring gender into this but I must ask an honest question. Would the women here cheering on the OP rat out one of their friends who was cheating on her husband?

[donnamaybe]

I hate to bring gender into this but I must ask an honest question. Would the women here cheering on the OP rat out one of their friends who was cheating on her husband?

A cheater and a liar is all the same to me, male or female.

[bentnotbroken]

I hate to bring gender into this but I must ask an honest question. Would the women here cheering on the OP rat out one of their friends who was cheating on her husband?

 

 

Damn straight. Did it myself already. Abuse is abuse.

[fooled once]

That's very sad.

 

But not the same thing at all. I was discussing whether, if a friend confided in you that they were being beaten up by their partner, and asked you not to say anything, whether you would then step in and confront him on his behaviour with a view to influencing the situation.

 

To answer your question again, Yes I would step in. I will not stand by and watch a friend be hurt - especially physically. For ME, it is about honor and loyalty. It is the way I am. You don't have to agree and that's fine. But I will not stand by and watch someone get hurt. If you recall, the OP told the cheater to tell his wife or HE would. When the cheater didn't tell his wife, the OP followed up to what he said and he did tell the wife, who is ALSO a friend.

 

I just don't understand the concept of being an accomplice to someone's betrayal. Like many others, if I was being cheated on and a friend found out, I would want them to tell me; heck I would EXPECT them to tell me. Friendship code.

 

So if you knew a friend was being cheated on, and chose to 'stay out of it', if that friend came to you and said 'did you know', what would be your answer? Would you lie to your friend or would you admit to knowing about the cheating? And when the friend said to you "why didn't you tell me", would you say "because it wasn't my business"?

 

MY true friends are there always. They do not police my life and impose their opinions and judgements unilaterally on to my personal decisions and relationships.

 

Where would it end? I used to speed on the motorway a fair bit, should my 'true friends' be calling the police each day I leave for work? If I pick the wrong school for my kid should they intervene? If I'm being bullied at work should they show up and tell me (and them) what to do about it? I'm curious as to where the borders lie for you Kristi and Donna...

 

It isn't about imposing their opinions or judgements. Why do you think that? It is about telling them about a betrayal; about possible harm, about protecting themselves.

 

Speeding is not equivalent to an affair. Apples and bananas comparison. Why would a friend care what school you pick for your kid? Most people have to live in a certain area and are assigned the school in that district. If you don't like the school, move or get a waiver. If you are being bullied at work, I would hope you would notify someone. The examples you gave are not even in the same ball park as an affair. An affair can destroy a person - mentally, physically and emotionally. It impacts children, families, friends, etc. To have a crazed person stalk you, to unknowingly have a potentially fatal STD thrust upon you unwillingly. To be blindsided by someone you love and respect and were loyal to. Sorry, I can't equate being betrayed by a spouse to a less than spectacular school. Additionally, what one person deems a bad school is a personal opinion.

 

If you knew someone was being stalked, would you tell them? If you knew a friends house was going to be robbed, would you turn a blind eye and not give them a heads up? If you knew that someone was mailing a friend anthrax because they were mad at them, would you not tell your friend to not open their mail? Where is your line?

 

I have much respect for the difficult decision you made despite what consequences it might have on your life. I would certainly hope that I could expect the same from anyone that I call friend. I guess there is some truth to the adage, " no good deed goes unpunished".

 

Ditto. I am glad I have friends who would tell me something and who would stand next to me and have my back. The OP's male friend who cheated and then told someone IMHO is bragging and quite frankly, I hope his wife takes him to the cleaners for jeopardizing HER health.

 

OP, your male friend who was cheating is not someone you need or want in your life. His lack of honesty and loyalty are part of who he is. You told him to tell his wife or you would. He was enjoying his cake and eating it too. I am very happy that you chose to tell your female friend what was going on. You gave her the ability to determine HER life - while her husband chose to make decisions on her life without her input. Good for you. Be proud of yourself!!

[Silly_Girl]

To answer your question again, Yes I would step in. I will not stand by and watch a friend be hurt - especially physically. For ME, it is about honor and loyalty. It is the way I am. You don't have to agree and that's fine. But I will not stand by and watch someone get hurt.

 

FO, if I, as your friend, found the courage to confess to you I was a victim of domestic violence, and BEGGED you not to confront my H, because it would make things so very much worse for me, why would you not consider that being my friend would mean being there for me, helping me to deal with things, encouraging me to leave? Why is your honour more important than my needs? In that scenario you could do your good Samaritan bit just to find me hospitalised the next day, or worse....

 

And the H is never going to be happy with us being friends from then on, and would view you as a meddler who is a threat to his power, and would do everything possible to keep you at a distance; so chances are there's no friendship to return to, and I'm more alone and vulnerable than I was before because you were determined to be the friend you wanted to be rather than the friend I needed you to be.

 

Unless, in the same way a couple of posters say they simply would sever all ties with any involved in cheating, you would do the same for a friend who found herself in an unhealthy relationship.... And I've read a LOT of your posts and don't think you would react that way.

 

All I'm saying is, all situations are not the same and I couldn't subscribe to a 'I will intervene where I see ill treatment' rule in all cases.

 

I think sometimes (and this is NOT directed at you FO, it's a general observation) in the haste to make a moral judgement or show oneself to be on the side of 'good' in some way sweeping statements are made and it's as though to admit there are shades of grey, or ranges on a spectrum would be a failing, would be to admit the 'enemy' might have a point. But it doesn't have to be that at all.

[Woggle]

A cheater and a liar is all the same to me, male or female.

 

I am glad to hear you feel this way. The victim mentality that some people have towards cheating women just makes me want to vomit sometimes.

[sugarbritches]

I would and have told a woman that her husband was cheating.

I would do it again.

I would expect the same.