BS - How Did You Handle The OW?

[JMacGirl26]

I'm just wondering, if you are a BS, how did you handle finding out and then confronting the OW? Or did you not confront her at all? If you did confront her, do you blame her only and not blame your H? Or do you find they are both equally at fault? Do you want revenge on the OW?

[bentnotbroken]

1) Did not confront until I was ready.

2)Yes, I blame her and Mr. Messy.

3)Revenge is a dish best served cold.

[Rose1977]

The first OW took great pleasure in telling me the second she left my BF's bed. Apparantly he had told her things had to end and she was angry. I listened to what she had to say and she basically verbally abused me until I hung up on her. She called my work for awhile, and I eventually had to change my email address, FB accounts, etc... to stop her from harassing me. I was never scared of her, but it was hard to deal with while I was dealing with the emotional reprecussions of being cheated on.

 

The second was a really nice woman who I think I would be friends with if not for the situation. She and I had a very open and mature conversation. I wanted to make sure my BF had told me the complete truth and she listened to everything I had to say and confirmed everything. She even told me he had stopped before they went to the bedroom because he told her he was feeling guilt. He had told me this, but I didn't believe him. She was very sympathetic to what I was feeling. Of course, she was by this point engaged and had no interest any longer in my BF, so that may have made it easier to talk to her. I think she was scared I was going to want to hurt her or be angry, but I am very relieved that I spoke to her.

 

I don't consider the OW to be at fault. In my situation, when the cheating ocurred, both OW were single. They didn't lie to me - he did. I think #1 needs psychiatric help, but other than that I don't think about them much except an occasional hi how are you email with OW#2. She checks in and asks about my son and how the relationship is going and tell me about her wedding plans. The woman doesn't really have a mean bone in her body - I think she made a mistake she regrets.

[Lorelei_Lane]

My situation was a little unique, my husband's OW was someone I considered to be my best friend.

 

I freaked out when I realized what he was telling me and asked her why. She denied it at first, said he caught her off guard, etc. I got more trickle truth from her than I did my husband.

 

We went no contact with her but she kept finding stupid reasons to break the contact. After a mutual friend came to me and told me she was telling people things I had told her in confidence, I flipped out on her. Told her everything I was thinking and kept going until she finally blocked me on messenger. All she could say was she was sorry, she never meant to hurt me etc.

 

Yeah, having an emotional affair online with my husband was her NOT meaning to hurt me

 

I only blame her for her part. I trusted her, and she betrayed that trust by having that relationship with my husband. My husband has been blamed for his side, and has been making up for it since.

[herenow]

I'm just wondering, if you are a BS, how did you handle finding out and then confronting the OW? Or did you not confront her at all? If you did confront her, do you blame her only and not blame your H? Or do you find they are both equally at fault? Do you want revenge on the OW?

 

I never confronted the OW. I had never been in the same room with her or spoken to her until much later when we attended a work event she was at. I didn't speak to her, my H didn't speak to her, but she seemed to have a problem with us being there.

 

I don't blame her as she isn't a part of my life. Any issues she may have are not my fault. I blame my H 100% and he takes full responsibility for his actions.

 

No, I don't want revenge. I have found that wanting bad things to happen to others always creates a bigger problem for me. I don't have any feeling about her either way. Again, she is not my problem.

[jwi71]

BH here...I didn't confront him per se.

 

I outed them (my xWW boss was the OM) to everyone at their company I could. I attached proof. I actually outed their A (both EA nad PA) to everyone I knew.

 

That was about it really.

 

At first, I wanted to kill him and may have had we met. Then, over time, I appropriately blamed each of them 50%.

 

Now, they aren't anything to me. It took years for the pain to ease but now its a bittersweet memory - bitter in losing my kids for 50% of the time but sweet in being rid of her (and finding a GREAT new woman).

 

And to further expand, an uninvolved 3rd party sent me proof that she was sneaking back to see him. While I was hurt and filed for D within 72 hours, I never hated that person. I actually think quite highly of this person. I feel like I owe this person. So, thank you if you are reading this.

[ladydesigner]

I'm just wondering, if you are a BS, how did you handle finding out and then confronting the OW? Or did you not confront her at all? If you did confront her, do you blame her only and not blame your H? Or do you find they are both equally at fault? Do you want revenge on the OW?

 

I did not confront the OW. I believe she knows I found out. I made my H unfriend her from all public sites they were on together, deleted and blocked her phone number and email contact. I'm not sure what was said between the two of them and my H knows if I ever find out they are in contact again our M is over.

 

I mostly blame my H but she knew my H was M before having the A with him. We would even see her on occasion with my children at his workplace (A public workplace) before I knew they were having an A.

 

I didn't want revenge as much as I wanted revenge on my H. I had a revenge affair after d-day.

[crazycatlady]

I'm just wondering, if you are a BS, how did you handle finding out and then confronting the OW? Or did you not confront her at all? If you did confront her, do you blame her only and not blame your H? Or do you find they are both equally at fault? Do you want revenge on the OW?

 

I blame them both equally and both for hurting me in ways that no other person but they could hurt me in. You see, the OW was my little sister.

 

I have never confronted her about it. She knows I know. She knows I wanted at one time to talk with her about it. She either on purpose or because she is the person she is contrived to create the situation where when I've been home to be able to confront her (she won't answer my phone calls, even to this day, even when I'm calling about something totally different) that we are never alone.

 

I'm chalking it up as she is a coward. In the end, I have forgiven her. I've forgiven him. And I won't tell. But I don't let it get to me anymore. I find the hiding from my phone calls to be amusing now where it just hurt before. I think she is sick and needs help. But until then....I will love her, and will not trust her not to hurt me or my family again. She is still a child in my view, a child hides and doesn't accept their part. I tried to accept mine (and yes I had a part but no where near as big as their) he has tried to accept his (its an ongoing issue and he knows it and is working on it...but she....is hiding like a toddler "can't see me, it will go away".

 

But oh yeah I would have confronted her. And I was going to be nice and polite and not scream and yell no matter how much I wanted LOL.

 

CCL

[Rose1977]

My situation was a little unique, my husband's OW was someone I considered to be my best friend.

 

I freaked out when I realized what he was telling me and asked her why. She denied it at first, said he caught her off guard, etc. I got more trickle truth from her than I did my husband.

 

We went no contact with her but she kept finding stupid reasons to break the contact. After a mutual friend came to me and told me she was telling people things I had told her in confidence, I flipped out on her. Told her everything I was thinking and kept going until she finally blocked me on messenger. All she could say was she was sorry, she never meant to hurt me etc.

 

Yeah, having an emotional affair online with my husband was her NOT meaning to hurt me

 

I only blame her for her part. I trusted her, and she betrayed that trust by having that relationship with my husband. My husband has been blamed for his side, and has been making up for it since.

 

 

LL this is so sad. I can't imagine how hurt you must have been.

[JMacGirl26]

1) Did not confront until I was ready.

2)Yes, I blame her and Mr. Messy.

3)Revenge is a dish best served cold.

 

What did you do to get revenge exactly?

[JMacGirl26]

I blame them both equally and both for hurting me in ways that no other person but they could hurt me in. You see, the OW was my little sister.

 

I have never confronted her about it. She knows I know. She knows I wanted at one time to talk with her about it. She either on purpose or because she is the person she is contrived to create the situation where when I've been home to be able to confront her (she won't answer my phone calls, even to this day, even when I'm calling about something totally different) that we are never alone.

 

I'm chalking it up as she is a coward. In the end, I have forgiven her. I've forgiven him. And I won't tell. But I don't let it get to me anymore. I find the hiding from my phone calls to be amusing now where it just hurt before. I think she is sick and needs help. But until then....I will love her, and will not trust her not to hurt me or my family again. She is still a child in my view, a child hides and doesn't accept their part. I tried to accept mine (and yes I had a part but no where near as big as their) he has tried to accept his (its an ongoing issue and he knows it and is working on it...but she....is hiding like a toddler "can't see me, it will go away".

 

But oh yeah I would have confronted her. And I was going to be nice and polite and not scream and yell no matter how much I wanted LOL.

 

CCL

 

Wow, your own sister? I am so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine the pain you have felt and the difficulty of dealing with type of betrayal.

[JMacGirl26]

I blame them both equally and both for hurting me in ways that no other person but they could hurt me in. You see, the OW was my little sister.

 

I have never confronted her about it. She knows I know. She knows I wanted at one time to talk with her about it. She either on purpose or because she is the person she is contrived to create the situation where when I've been home to be able to confront her (she won't answer my phone calls, even to this day, even when I'm calling about something totally different) that we are never alone.

 

I'm chalking it up as she is a coward. In the end, I have forgiven her. I've forgiven him. And I won't tell. But I don't let it get to me anymore. I find the hiding from my phone calls to be amusing now where it just hurt before. I think she is sick and needs help. But until then....I will love her, and will not trust her not to hurt me or my family again. She is still a child in my view, a child hides and doesn't accept their part. I tried to accept mine (and yes I had a part but no where near as big as their) he has tried to accept his (its an ongoing issue and he knows it and is working on it...but she....is hiding like a toddler "can't see me, it will go away".

 

But oh yeah I would have confronted her. And I was going to be nice and polite and not scream and yell no matter how much I wanted LOL.

 

CCL

 

When I was a BW, I called the OW. She was very civil and mature, so I was the same to her in return. I actually talked to her twice. The first time she was simply factual and answered my questions. The second time she was much more apologetic and told me she'd had nightmares about it.

 

Even when I called her, I didn't blame her...not to her and not in my mind. For one, I actually had a strange sense of relief that what I'd been feeling was finally validated. She had the courage to tell me what my then H denied. Second, I knew what a $hit I was married to. I blamed HIM. I felt that she was not the one who had broken a promise to me. She was not at all the focus of my concern.

 

Catlady, the way you dealt with this situation is amazing! So mature and so level-headed. I think sometimes even though the truth hurts, it's nice to at least KNOW what the truth IS!

[thomasb]

I blame them both equally and both for hurting me in ways that no other person but they could hurt me in. You see, the OW was my little sister.

 

I have never confronted her about it. She knows I know. She knows I wanted at one time to talk with her about it. She either on purpose or because she is the person she is contrived to create the situation where when I've been home to be able to confront her (she won't answer my phone calls, even to this day, even when I'm calling about something totally different) that we are never alone.

 

I'm chalking it up as she is a coward. In the end, I have forgiven her. I've forgiven him. And I won't tell. But I don't let it get to me anymore. I find the hiding from my phone calls to be amusing now where it just hurt before. I think she is sick and needs help. But until then....I will love her, and will not trust her not to hurt me or my family again. She is still a child in my view, a child hides and doesn't accept their part. I tried to accept mine (and yes I had a part but no where near as big as their) he has tried to accept his (its an ongoing issue and he knows it and is working on it...but she....is hiding like a toddler "can't see me, it will go away".

 

But oh yeah I would have confronted her. And I was going to be nice and polite and not scream and yell no matter how much I wanted LOL.

 

CCL

 

 

This has to be horrible for you. Family occasions would be so uncomfortable. What do you do about Thanksgiving and such?

[JMacGirl26]

Alot of spouses seem to stay in the marriage after being betrayed and are able to forgive. I'm not sure I could ever trust again after being cheated on. I have never been married and I am single now. I am scared to get married or even date seriously b/c I have no trust in anyone. Being a single woman, I have married men approach me all the time and it really angers me. Why would they think I would be with them and then keep their secrets for them?? I just don't get it. Why do some of them risk their careers and families just for an affair?

[Silly_Girl]

Alot of spouses seem to stay in the marriage after being betrayed and are able to forgive. I'm not sure I could ever trust again after being cheated on.

 

I think it takes a certain chemistry/recipe to get there. It's definitely possible

 

I have never been married and I am single now. I am scared to get married or even date seriously b/c I have no trust in anyone.

 

That's so sad. Have you taken any positive action to try and improve things for you?

 

Being a single woman, I have married men approach me all the time and it really angers me. Why would they think I would be with them and then keep their secrets for them?? I just don't get it. Why do some of them risk their careers and families just for an affair?

 

Maybe they don't think they're risking anything....

1) because they don't value what they do have

2) they don't think they'd get caught

3) they don't care if they get caught because they don't want their relationship anyway

[crazycatlady]

This has to be horrible for you. Family occasions would be so uncomfortable. What do you do about Thanksgiving and such?

 

We do not live close to family and only go one a year, if that, this was going on way before the affair happened. We rarely go all of us, and its not due to the affair that my H doesn't go with us, he has always avoided going back to his hometown, so its not really an issue. Shoot, before they knew I knew, I went on a cruise with her and our other sister. And had a pleasant time.

 

Part of the ability to deal comes with knowing that my husband, even during his affair, loved me, wanted me and didn't want to leave me. He also loved her.... And was terribly confused, and torn and hurt. It was never meant to hurt me. Her, I don't know... its probably similar to him.... but since we haven't talked, I don't know.

[JMacGirl26]

I guess as a single lady, I just have to trust until I'm given a reason not to. But I don't know if I could sleep with someone again after knowing they cheated on me and slept with someone else.

 

I wonder why cheating is so prevalent these days? Seems like most people I know have cheated, are cheating, or are getting divorced b/c of infidelity. These people aren't necessarily "friends" of mine, but it seems like I sure do hear about this happening alot.

 

And if people are so unhappy like they claim to be (which I think is a lie most of the time), then why not go to counseling or just move on and split up? Why live with your spouse and continue to cheat? It's so mean!

[1956peace]

Alot of spouses seem to stay in the marriage after being betrayed and are able to forgive. I'm not sure I could ever trust again after being cheated on. I have never been married and I am single now. I am scared to get married or even date seriously b/c I have no trust in anyone. Being a single woman, I have married men approach me all the time and it really angers me. Why would they think I would be with them and then keep their secrets for them?? I just don't get it. Why do some of them risk their careers and families just for an affair?

 

Hi there I am a BS as well, my husband had an affair with a co-worker, someone I knew but not well......

I do blame her as well, she was married too, the way I see it everyone has to be responsible for their own actions, sure I blame my husband more because we had a vow together, but she is also an adult well aware of what she was doing to my marriage and my family.........she had a choice.

She was selfish and narcistic to say the least.......

My husband also gave up a lot to have that relationship, he was a pillar in the community and a well know family man.........we had been married for 25 years at the time, so he gave up his reputation, his children's respect for him and he had to live through a very public exposure by the OW's husband.......my husband also had a choice..........

I never spoke to her other than once she called and I told her to leave my husband, myself and our children alone for the rest of our lives.......

We are recovering our marriage and only because as an adult I know he wouldn't have strayed if the marriage had been better so I am being accountable for my part in that but in no way does that give him the right to be so selfish and hurt me the way he has........

I would advise you when you get married to really pay attention to fill all his emotional needs, have good communication and resolve your problems quickly so you don't live with any resentment, and set up boundaries when it comes to keeping your marriage safe from affair, be pro active, read the books before hand, work together............

A good marriage is worth it, going through a recovery of a marriage is difficult........It takes strength and patience..........but it is worth it .....

[Breezy Trousers]

BS here. Also, more recently, a near-OW.

 

As a BS, I never blamed OW. I totally blamed my husband. He made the commitment to me.

 

The first OW was a friend who was in our wedding. (Ouch.) I was in shock and kept thinking, "What did I do wrong? I must be a bad person if my husband did this. How can I fix myself?" I was walking into walls, dazed ...Several years later, the second OW was my husband's employee. I swiftly moved out of shock and into rage at husband.

 

I told my husband to move out with his OW because I deserved better, and I meant it, and he knew it. Instead, my husband went into Sex Addicts Anonymous 10 years ago where he is still very active. We also went into therapy. It made a huge difference in our marriage, obviously. He's grown, I've grown and our marriage has grown in amazing ways.

 

Oddly enough, I -- Mrs. Goody Two Shoes -- was inexplicably tempted with a MM at work a while ago, which is how I landed here. It was that experience that really opened my eyes to how my husband and OW may have felt. I saw that OW probably wasn't thinking about me at all while having sex with my husband. I saw what my husband told me all along -- that affairs don't have much to do with the BS or even the marriage, but have everything to do with the person making the choice to have the affair. (I initially blamed myself for my husband's actions because I was very codependent and wanted to believe I was that powerful and had that much control over people. So I lost 15 pounds, took up running, wore sexy clothes, etc. And it happened again .... Now I know that my husband could have made different choices if he was truly unhappy in the marriage -- get into therapy, talk to me, etc. As he's always said.)

 

Will I trust again? No. I'm not being a martyr about it. Just stating a fact about myself that I've had 10+ years to observe & work with. I miss the naive, totally trusting girl I used to be prior to all of this happening to me, but now I'm a mature woman who recognizes that life doesn't come in pretty packages for anyone. I've been disillusioned, yes --- in that I've had my illusions removed from me. I saw that all I ever know of a person/situation is MY STORY about it. No one knows the entire truth except God. So I've learned to accept this and work around it. The wounding of betrayal never goes away completely, but you learn to manage it and not let it manage you. It doesn't have to dominate you or the marriage but, sure, it will come up from time to time. I would never believe there isn't a remote chance of betrayal, even if I got into a relationship with a Gandhi! That's just too naive for me these days. A failure of imagination, to say the least ...

 

I used to get mad about the unfairness of infidelity -- that BS don't get the "fun" of infidelity, but have to wade through the resulting fallout of its explosion -- the shattered trust, the self doubt, disillusionment of ideals and other vulnerabilities. My husband's own sense of trust has remained intact. I doubt the OW have had their trust affected? But for the BS --it's a heartbreaking drag on the soul in so many ways ... Still, the experience has taught me volumes and made me grow in amazing ways, just as cancer probably does for other survivors. I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone, but for me, I would not have traded it for the world. I am sincere when I say that.

 

Incidentally, the infidelity wasn't just about my husband's betrayal. I found that married people didn't know how to deal with our "situation" and so turned their back on me, only to pop up a year or two later when it looked like things were "back to normal." That infidelity hurt as much as my husband's. But it happens a lot, and that other side of infidelity isn't discussed. I learned who my true friends were. And I've had to deal with a lot of people's opinions and recognize it for what it is: their opinion and, oftentimes, unexamined fear.

 

I should mention that I'm married to a man who tries to grow in self awareness and who takes responsibility, as do I. Had I been married to an abusive man and/or someone with narcissistic personality disorder, there's no way I would have stayed in the marriage. Every situation is different and needs to be respected as such.

 

I do think cheating is more prevalent, partly because sex addiction is exploding. Sex addiction is real, and it's known to be more devastating on neural pathways than even crack or heroin. And sex (addiction) is just a click away on the internet now. Clinics can't keep up with it. We expect our partners to be totally focused on us and screaming loudly in pleasure and then put away at our convenience -- as in porn -- and marriages can't complete with that illusion, but an affair can (initially). Unfortunately, our society scoffs at sex addiction and "acting out partners" (denial). It's where alcoholism was in 1935. That will change in time. Trust me.

Edited April 27, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[BB07]

I know you asked for BS responses but hope you don't mind me replying but I can give you insight into what happened from her POV as she told me and I lived it.

 

Background...XMM told me he was separated several years ago. He said he had married for the wrong reasons, he was only 6 months into it and he and I started dating. A few months later he said he had to go back. Then I continued seeing him for around a year, yes I knew it was an affair although we weren't sexually intimate. I get to the point where I can't deal with it, I walk, we have sparing contact, nothing improper for a couple of years.

 

Then I get a bombshell email, he has moved out again and moved 2 1/2 hrs away. So we started dating again, it was a LDR that went on for about 2 years. He had his own apt near his work and we'd see each other 1 or 2 times a week, usually I'd drive down there to see him and spend one, sometimes 2 nights a week. Weekends he said he was working his 2nd job, (because he was still paying the BS's bills). For the 1st year or so, we had very few conversations about (what I thought was) his soon to be x as it didn't seem to have much to do with he and I. I just assumed he'd be getting a divorce any day.

 

Looking back I see how he set me up to discourage me from asking questions about him and her and (what I thought) was the impending divorce. Anyway at about the year mark some things happened that made me begin to question things and some things were said by him to lead me to believe that she had become impossible to deal with on reaching a settlement. Then he started painting a worse picture of her and what she was doing to him and he said she had found out we were dating.

 

I received a short little message on F/B on New Years from her, I ignored. A few months passed and every once in a while I'd check out her F/B page and the stuff she was putting on there was getting nastier and nastier and clearly meant for me although she wasn't using my actual name. I mentioned it to him a few times and he kept saying just ignore it and of course his bashing of her and "his story" about how difficult she was being about a settlement grew to be more of a horror story the more time passed. Of course what she was saying on F/B got to me and I felt it was really unfair as I did not start dating him when he was married either time, although I did feel guilt for the time that I did see him when I knew he was with her in the prior period.

 

During the summer of last year, her taunts of me escalated on F/B and yes I would put a few things on my own page that weren't nice and that I knew she would read. I was pissed......because it really didn't seem fair, after all that had been separated for almost 2 years by this time, (so I thought). I even posted about it here at LS without going into detail. Some told me to ignore her, some said tell her about our past relationship as that is what she wanted to know. I was adamant that I wasn't telling her anything about the past as I didn't see it would do her any good and I felt that it would be a betrayal of him. So I tried to ignore her, but every once in a while her and I would have a little tit for tat on F/B without directly addressing each other and if anyone else looked at it, I doubt they knew what was going on, except her and I did. Of course his reasons for why she was doing it grew more outrageous and his bashing of her grew worse the more time went on. Yes I believed him and NEVER imagined that he and her weren't really separated.

 

So July 3rd of last year.....I snapped. I had had enough, so I wrote a short note to her on a webpage of mine and let her know it was there for her to read. I wasn't nasty to her at all, in fact I said I'm sorry you are hurting but I also said I don't deserve all this grief and you need to move on since it's been quite a while that you two have been apart. Those aren't my exact words but that was the general drift. I went to bed.

 

Woke up the next morning thinking oh crap what did I do, I thought I just gave her fuel for more vengeful stuff to use against him, (we live in a state that even though you are separated it can still be used against you if you are dating as it is still adultery in this state) and I was mad at myself for letting her push me over the line. I got my coffee and opened my email and much to my shock I had a email from her. It said that if what I had said about (their separation) was what I believed than her and I needed to talk.

 

So I replied and her and I exchanged a few short emails testing the waters I guess. At first neither one of us trusted each other. I thought she was just trying to pump me for info to use against him and she thought I was the evil OW. Then we both gave each other enough info to know that neither one of us had the real story and we starting going back and forth by email..........all day. Both of us asking the other questions and both of us answering. I was beside myself with shock as some of the lies he told me and he told her came out. I know my post is already really long so I won't get into all that but here is a short summary.

 

They had a d day......that I didn't know about, since I thought they were separated I just thought she had found out we were dating and she was pissed but no it was a d day unknown to me. On that d day he told her a lot of lies to keep her from contacting me as that is what she really wanted to do. In fact her told her that I was married, (I'm not) and that he had broke me and my husband up and that my husband was a very mean man and if she (the BS) contacted me or him, that my husband would kill him (xmm) with that gun he carried around all that time. Wild story uh! A complete and total lie. Oh and let me tell you how evil this lie was. The BS had had a tragedy in her family because of infidelity in that someone died, so he used that kind of a LIE to play upon her biggest fear, that someone would die (him). Yes I think she mostly believed it, but oh she was pissed at me so she did the back door way of giving me a piece of her mind although she wanted to talk to me directly but didn't because of his lie about her biggest fear, that someone would die. Nasty uh!

 

So........that is how the BS and I interacted and we both told each other anything we asked of the other with total truth. Her and I continued to talk for about 3 months but it became too painful and was hindering both of us from healing in ways. We parted on as good of terms as possible considering the circumstances.

 

Sorry about the book.

[JMacGirl26]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences/stories. Wow, it's so crazy how prevalent infidelity is! But as a single lady, I have to say, there are alot of married men out there who want to cheat and they are not shy about propositioning me. I always wonder why they would take such a risk. I guess their egos let them believe that I will never tell their wives and/or they can lie their way out of it and most of the time, the wives will believe them.

 

About a year ago I was "friended" on F/B from a man I knew in my past (about 20 yrs ago). I dated him one time and never heard from him again. He looked me up on F/B and as we began chatting online, he started telling me how his marriage was in the crapper and how they didn't sleep in the same room anymore, blah blah. He started asking me if we could meet for coffee and he invited me to go camping w/him, which freaked me out.

 

I told him very clearly that once he is divorced, I would gladly meet him for coffee, as friends. Other than that, I couldn't make any plans w/him or promise him anything. He wanted to know if there was a "future" for us and I told him there was no way I could ever tell him that since I hadn't seen him in 20 yrs and virtually we were strangers.

 

He found my address online and emailed me asking if he could send me flowers. I was so irate that he would find my address, that I told him to leave me alone and never contact me again. I blocked him from every email address and from F/B. That is when my troubles began....

 

I started receiving threatening phone calls at home. Then my email accts were all hacked. Then before I knew it, his wife was getting involved and telling the police that I was beating her up. They live almost 100 miles form me!! She would claim I showed up, or had men show up, and beat her up! I had to go to court and fight them b/c they were trying to get a restraining order against me ...!! Keep in mind, I NEVER saw this man recently...never spoke to him on the phone...NOTHING. For whatever reason he felt the need to tell his wife that I was chasing him and demanding he leave her. He told the police that I was bothering them and making threats against their kids. He claimed I emailed his wife and threatend to hurt their child if she didn't divorce him so I could be with him. After a very long police investigation, it was found out that he had hacked my accts and even set up an account on Yahoo in my name and sent his wife emails from it making it look like it came from me! I was a wreck during this time....depressed, panick attacks, suicidal even. I couldn't handle what this man and his wife were putting me through.

 

My advice for the OW.....please be careful. Please think through your decision before deciding to partake in an affair, whether you are single or married. You never know the type of revenge people will try to get on you. I didn't even have an affair and look what happened to me!

[freestyle]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences/stories. Wow, it's so crazy how prevalent infidelity is! But as a single lady, I have to say, there are alot of married men out there who want to cheat and they are not shy about propositioning me. I always wonder why they would take such a risk. I guess their egos let them believe that I will never tell their wives and/or they can lie their way out of it and most of the time, the wives will believe them.

 

About a year ago I was "friended" on F/B from a man I knew in my past (about 20 yrs ago). I dated him one time and never heard from him again. He looked me up on F/B and as we began chatting online, he started telling me how his marriage was in the crapper and how they didn't sleep in the same room anymore, blah blah. He started asking me if we could meet for coffee and he invited me to go camping w/him, which freaked me out.

 

I told him very clearly that once he is divorced, I would gladly meet him for coffee, as friends. Other than that, I couldn't make any plans w/him or promise him anything. He wanted to know if there was a "future" for us and I told him there was no way I could ever tell him that since I hadn't seen him in 20 yrs and virtually we were strangers.

 

He found my address online and emailed me asking if he could send me flowers. I was so irate that he would find my address, that I told him to leave me alone and never contact me again. I blocked him from every email address and from F/B. That is when my troubles began....

 

I started receiving threatening phone calls at home. Then my email accts were all hacked. Then before I knew it, his wife was getting involved and telling the police that I was beating her up. They live almost 100 miles form me!! She would claim I showed up, or had men show up, and beat her up! I had to go to court and fight them b/c they were trying to get a restraining order against me ...!! Keep in mind, I NEVER saw this man recently...never spoke to him on the phone...NOTHING. For whatever reason he felt the need to tell his wife that I was chasing him and demanding he leave her. He told the police that I was bothering them and making threats against their kids. He claimed I emailed his wife and threatend to hurt their child if she didn't divorce him so I could be with him. After a very long police investigation, it was found out that he had hacked my accts and even set up an account on Yahoo in my name and sent his wife emails from it making it look like it came from me! I was a wreck during this time....depressed, panick attacks, suicidal even. I couldn't handle what this man and his wife were putting me through.

 

My advice for the OW.....please be careful. Please think through your decision before deciding to partake in an affair, whether you are single or married. You never know the type of revenge people will try to get on you. I didn't even have an affair and look what happened to me!

 

Holy moley!!!

 

My guess is the MM was a repeat offender with online cheating---and decided to use you as the sacrificial lamb when his W discovered that he'd contacted you.............unbelievable.I'm so sorry you had to go through all that---it's like you got punished, even though you did the right thing.

[JMacGirl26]

Holy moley!!!

 

My guess is the MM was a repeat offender with online cheating---and decided to use you as the sacrificial lamb when his W discovered that he'd contacted you.............unbelievable.I'm so sorry you had to go through all that---it's like you got punished, even though you did the right thing.

 

Thank you! My attorney told me the same thing...he thinks I was the "scapegoat" for another affair he was actually having. I still am very traumatized from that situation because the things they were accusing me of were awful. She claimed I had some men come and kidnap her and slice her up with a knife! I mean, these people are beyond scary and they have a young child living in their home w/them. Even when the detectives questioned him about hacking in to my email, he denied it. Said there was no way the detective could prove it was him and that he didn't do it. Unbelievable denial and lies. And all for what? To save his butt from his wife finding out about another woman ????

 

I had to see a counselor for many months after that and racked up alot of medical bills to be treated for my depression and anxiety. I had myself convinced I was going to jail for something I didn't even do!

[freestyle]

Thank you! My attorney told me the same thing...he thinks I was the "scapegoat" for another affair he was actually having. I still am very traumatized from that situation because the things they were accusing me of were awful. She claimed I had some men come and kidnap her and slice her up with a knife! I mean, these people are beyond scary and they have a young child living in their home w/them. Even when the detectives questioned him about hacking in to my email, he denied it. Said there was no way the detective could prove it was him and that he didn't do it. Unbelievable denial and lies. And all for what? To save his butt from his wife finding out about another woman ????

 

I had to see a counselor for many months after that and racked up alot of medical bills to be treated for my depression and anxiety. I had myself convinced I was going to jail for something I didn't even do!

 

Wow, I'd almost be tempted to sue for character defamation and emotional distress----but with nutcases like that, it's probably wisest to maintain a wide berth---

 

Gee, thanks, Facebook..........

 

again, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

[NoIDidn't]

Being a single woman, I have married men approach me all the time and it really angers me. Why would they think I would be with them and then keep their secrets for them?? I just don't get it. Why do some of them risk their careers and families just for an affair?

 

A lot of married people somehow think that singles are to be pitied. So a lot of married men think they are offering the single woman something she desperately needs in their minds: a man.

 

I've found that a lot of OW feel special because the MM is willing to risk his marriage for them. What they fail to recognize is most don't feel they are risking anything because they don't plan to get caught or get caught up. Also' many OW don't know the man code about the "kind of woman that sleeps with a married man" thoughts that they have. Many a mm are thinking "wow, she's willing to risk her reputation for ME".

 

A feedback loop with both of them thinking of their own feelings and not the feelings of the other. There was a thread about this before too. An OW asked other OWs to name why they loved their MM and all they posted was about themselves, not really about the MM.

 

Either way, I think being single is great. I suffered the married man magnet syndrome when I was single too and always refused their advances. Most claimed to be wealthy and able to "keep" me. Others tried the my wife doesn't understand me victim mode. None of which was attractive. I guess I will never understand why anyone, married or single, finds the MM script and those that employ it attractive.