BS - How Did You Handle The OW?

[John Michael Kane]

I blame both my husband and his "other woman " for the affair. He was unhappy and chose to deal with it in a bad way, and she is a "serial other woman". For some reason, she seems to take great pleasure in having relationships with married men ( a mutual friend told me that she gets a real self esteem boost when a married guy chooses to cheat on his wife with her). Another part of the reason that she sees married guys is that she can use them to try and get ahead in the workplace ( most of them are people who are higher ranking than her), and she also tries to get them to have part of their pay allocated to her bank account, etc. ( she tried that with my husband, but he didn't do it). She has a standard " operational plan" that she goes through with married guys ( starts talking to them "as a friend", starts talking about their marriage, starts pointing out the ways she thinks their spouses are mistreating them, and, should the married guy choose to listen, the affair begins)

 

They work together in an industry ( military) where, should their relationship be "officially" found out, they would both be in a huge amount of trouble ( demotion, pay garnishment, even losing their job). Because she has been reprimanded and charged with this kind of behavior before, she stands to lose a lot more should their affair be found out than my husband does.

 

When their affair ended, my husband went to his officer and told him what happened. Because he had been upfront about it, the officer "kept it quiet", but also let him know that he lost a promotion to the next rank because of it. After my husband spoke to his officer, he let her know things were over, and she emailed me a nasty email about it, and I replied that I hoped that she could move on and find a single guy to be with and be happy, but that if she didn't leave us alone I would have no problems in going to their superiors and reporting what had happened.

 

His "other woman" was not happy, and did quite a bit of nasty things to both me and my children to try and make me feel bad and make my husband and myself end our relationship. It didn't work. Mind you, her actions caused a lot of stress and even made my kids cry one time, but I didn't give the satisfaction of knowing she was getting to me.

 

After a whole lot of emails from her telling me everything from that she hated me ( using a lot of four letter words in french that I had to have a friend translate for me as I had no idea what the heck she was trying to say), to that she felt horrible and that she was going to hurt herself, to ones saying that she did nothing wrong and that everything was my fault, and even a few asking if we could be friends. I just ignore them and even find them kind of funny now ( in a pathetic way).

 

I truly believe that this woman is a sociopath and a bully, as she feels no remorse whatsoever for her actions, and continues to try and cause pain, and seems to find great pleasure in doing so. She's very good at putting on a "mask" of being a nice person, but when she doesn't get her own way, that "mask" comes off.She also doesn't seem to have any empathy at all.. She is well known as a liar and as someone who can't be trusted in other areas of her life as well as her actions with married guys ( we live in a very small town where everyone knows and works with everyone else... you can't help but hear gossip, even if you don't want to)She is very used to getting her own way, and when she doesn't. she gets very angry.

 

She's not a "decent person who made a mistake" like a most other "women/men", and it's very hard to explain what she is like...

 

I really wish that my husband hadn't made the choice to start a relationship with her... he brought her into our lives and it's been a long road back.

 

Your husband should've got a worse punishment for his behavior. The officer who "kept it quiet" should've gotten in trouble too. He's a very lucky man.

[Breezy Trousers]

A lot of married people somehow think that singles are to be pitied. So a lot of married men think they are offering the single woman something she desperately needs in their minds: a man.

 

I've found that a lot of OW feel special because the MM is willing to risk his marriage for them. What they fail to recognize is most don't feel they are risking anything because they don't plan to get caught or get caught up. Also' many OW don't know the man code about the "kind of woman that sleeps with a married man" thoughts that they have. Many a mm are thinking "wow, she's willing to risk her reputation for ME".

 

A feedback loop with both of them thinking of their own feelings and not the feelings of the other. There was a thread about this before too. An OW asked other OWs to name why they loved their MM and all they posted was about themselves, not really about the MM.

 

Wow. Definitely worth repeating.

 

(Interestingly, two of the happiest people I know are single - not widowed - women in their late sixies.)

 

I think much of the early stages of any relationship is projection -- the feedback loop you refer to. The projection continues but lessens with time. ("With sufficient exposure, the obsession will drop." - Anthony DeMello) ... Unfortunately, some people are only interested in their projections and hate it when reality intrudes.

 

I'm reading Frozensprouts, BB07 and JMac07's accounts and thinking how vanilla my own experiences have been. There are some seriously crazy, manipulative people out there.

 

Frozensprouts, the first OW in my situation was also was a serial cheater with married men, though not a sociopath as clearly sounds the case in your instance. I spoke to this serial OW after the affair, but it wasn't my call. I told a mutual friend about OW sleeping with my husband. Later, the OW called me up, indignant. She screamed at me, saying I could cause her to lose custody of her child by discussing the infidelity with a "gossip." I was shocked and said, "But you slept with my husband!" She told me she didn't need to apologize for me because I was too "American" to understand her "European" attitude toward sex. (Her husband had divorced her for her "European" ways.)

 

I recently read a book where the author referred to OW who have affairs with higher-ups at the office as "Power Maidens." They feel they are essentially powerless and can find power through ... er, association? ... with the boss man. Office groupies, essentially.

 

Everyone has their story, I guess ....

[Owl]

I confronted OM via phone (given that he was a couple of thousand of miles away).

 

It was a mostly civil but fruitless conversation.

 

As far as "blame"...I blamed both equally.

 

My wife had poor boundaries, deliberately and intentionally allowed the relationship between them to grow, and was intentionally deceitful about the whole thing to me as it went on.

 

OM "claimed" to be my friend. But he knowingly, intentionally, and actively pursued a relationship with my wife knowing she was married, knowing "me" as more than just a 'theoretical' person, but as someone he'd actually talked with and knew to some degree.

 

They both knew what they were doing, knew it was wrong and would hurt me...and pursued it regardless.

 

As far as forgiving and rebuilding trust after such at thing...it can indeed be done. Its happened in my own marriage, in our situation. It takes a lot of time and effort on both sides, but it can work out.

[Spark1111]

I confronted OM via phone (given that he was a couple of thousand of miles away).

 

It was a mostly civil but fruitless conversation.

 

As far as "blame"...I blamed both equally.

 

My wife had poor boundaries, deliberately and intentionally allowed the relationship between them to grow, and was intentionally deceitful about the whole thing to me as it went on.

 

OM "claimed" to be my friend. But he knowingly, intentionally, and actively pursued a relationship with my wife knowing she was married, knowing "me" as more than just a 'theoretical' person, but as someone he'd actually talked with and knew to some degree.

 

They both knew what they were doing, knew it was wrong and would hurt me...and pursued it regardless.

 

As far as forgiving and rebuilding trust after such at thing...it can indeed be done. Its happened in my own marriage, in our situation. It takes a lot of time and effort on both sides, but it can work out.

 

I too blame both of them for the very reasons Owl stated.

 

She was a work colleague who went out of her way on more than a few occasions to meet me. In retrospect, she was checking out her competition.

 

Initially, I did not confront her or cause a scene at her work place, because I would never hurt a child, even her child. In fact, I felt if this is the woman he chooses to spend his life with, she will then be a part of my children's life.

 

He begged to reconcile and it took me a long time to agree. I was devastated by his deception.

 

Eight months later I placed 3 kind phone calls to her cell offering an olive branch. I wanted this chapter behind me and I did not want to run into her at a company event without a civil "closure conversation" in place.

 

She ignored me, but called my husband to tell him I had been vicious. Uh-oh. Huge red flag, as he had been standing beside me when I placed the calls and I had his full support to do so.

 

Two years later, she again breaks NC by waltzing in to his office (they are now 50 miles apart) and attempting to re-initiate the relationship.

 

He immediately told me and I now contacted her on her direct line at work and confronted her. I told her to stay away from my spouse.

 

She started screaming, crying, justifying, grew angry, blamed him, blamed me, insulted MY CHILDREN, then started shouting and became totally unstable. It was the most bizarre three-minute conversation in my entire life. I actually think so much less of her because of it, that, and her lying about me.

 

Yeah....like Owl said. Fruitless...

[Baroness67]

Hi there I am a BS as well, my husband had an affair with a co-worker, someone I knew but not well......

I do blame her as well, she was married too, the way I see it everyone has to be responsible for their own actions, sure I blame my husband more because we had a vow together, but she is also an adult well aware of what she was doing to my marriage and my family.........she had a choice.

 

1956Peace, you and I share similar stories.

 

OW had been present at my home several times for parties my H had for coworkers. Later, it hurt to know that she had been a guest in my home.

 

I never had any direct contact with her after discovering that she was an OW.

 

Once she texted my daughter and asked if she was enjoying her summer job at the company. My daughter gave me the phone and asked what to say. I texted back, "Hi, it's Baroness. I have daughter's phone. I will tell her you texted." That must have ended something, because as far as I know, D has not heard back from her.

 

Another thing I did was, at another time, pass on to a coworker who knew her, that I hoped OW knew that she would not be welcome in my house again. It was all I said, however, I think the woman I was talking to had some idea of what I was referring to. I quickly changed the subject and that's all there was to that. My guess is that the coworker went back to work and probably repeated what I had said, and it probably quietly got back to the OW. I hope that everyone knew what was being said without having to get too explicit, which is how I wanted it. Saying nothing, but saying everything.

 

And after that, I let it go.

[Mimolicious]

I'm just wondering, if you are a BS, how did you handle finding out and then confronting the OW? Or did you not confront her at all? If you did confront her, do you blame her only and not blame your H? Or do you find they are both equally at fault? Do you want revenge on the OW?

 

 

She confronted me. I know... The crazies as if she was the W.

How I handled her? I broke her face and got a restraining order. The End.

Due to the circumstances, they are both at fault.

Well, the beginning of her and my H. Revenge? She gets to live my old life now. SWEET!

 

They are both trash so they can sing "we belong together" now.

[JMacGirl26]

Wow, I'd almost be tempted to sue for character defamation and emotional distress----but with nutcases like that, it's probably wisest to maintain a wide berth---

 

Gee, thanks, Facebook..........

 

again, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

 

Thank you, FreeStyle. I was so emotionally distraught at that time that I couldn't even think of facing those whackos in court. And I felt the more I did to protect myself and prove their wrongdoing, the harder they would come after me with a vengeance. My atty ended up telling me to just agree to stay away orders and move on with my life, which I have done. The last year has been quiet...no trouble from them anymore. I did move to a town about 20 miles from where I was and changed my number, my email, my FB page, everything! I will definitely never be the same though after having gone through this.

 

Thank you for your kind words

[JMacGirl26]

She confronted me. I know... The crazies as if she was the W.

How I handled her? I broke her face and got a restraining order. The End.

Due to the circumstances, they are both at fault.

Well, the beginning of her and my H. Revenge? She gets to live my old life now. SWEET!

 

They are both trash so they can sing "we belong together" now.

 

Did you really hit the OW? And how were you able to get a restraining order? On what grounds? Did she threaten you, etc? Wow!

[Mimolicious]

Did you really hit the OW? And how were you able to get a restraining order? On what grounds? Did she threaten you, etc? Wow!

 

Once trespassing, assault with a deadly weapon, property damage, etc was filed against you (general you) your a$$ getting kicked basically is irrelevant in some places.

 

Play with fire, think you're tough girl, catch a case, get a record. There goes your employment opportunities... all for the sake of "Love" and a 2 minute brother. Phahaha!

[Spark1111]

1956Peace, you and I share similar stories.

 

OW had been present at my home several times for parties my H had for coworkers. Later, it hurt to know that she had been a guest in my home.

 

I never had any direct contact with her after discovering that she was an OW.

 

Once she texted my daughter and asked if she was enjoying her summer job at the company. My daughter gave me the phone and asked what to say. I texted back, "Hi, it's Baroness. I have daughter's phone. I will tell her you texted." That must have ended something, because as far as I know, D has not heard back from her.

 

Another thing I did was, at another time, pass on to a coworker who knew her, that I hoped OW knew that she would not be welcome in my house again. It was all I said, however, I think the woman I was talking to had some idea of what I was referring to. I quickly changed the subject and that's all there was to that. My guess is that the coworker went back to work and probably repeated what I had said, and it probably quietly got back to the OW. I hope that everyone knew what was being said without having to get too explicit, which is how I wanted it. Saying nothing, but saying everything.

 

And after that, I let it go.

 

baroness, that was very gracious of you.

 

I did not have anyone in their workplace to confide those sorts of things to, BUT....

 

three months after we had reconciled, I did attend with him a lecture, that when over, I left to return to my workplace.

 

A table of secretaries looked up as I left and literally gasped, "OMG! That's Mr. Sparks wife!":o

 

I came home and told him, so much for keeping it a secret. Every woman in that building had a radar up for the inappropriateness of their relationship.

 

When we concluded our one and only conversation after she broke NC, I told her to be smart here and recounted my experience and every woman suspecting.

 

She started wailing, literally wailing, "NO....OH NOooooooo....."

 

Ayeyayay! What a drama queen. She also had friends stalk me for quite a while, and there were countless hang-up phone calls too, both work and home.

[Snowflower]

I'm just wondering, if you are a BS, how did you handle finding out and then confronting the OW? Or did you not confront her at all? If you did confront her, do you blame her only and not blame your H? Or do you find they are both equally at fault? Do you want revenge on the OW?

 

1. No I never confronted the OW. I had a couple of opportunities where I could have seen her/confronted her the first 6 months or so after d-day. I stayed away. For some reason, I've always felt like she and I are never to meet again.

2. I do blame her for her actions/behaviors in the A. She did some pretty overbearing stuff. But it would be impossible to only blame her and not my H. My H gets his share of the blame.

3. No, never really wanted revenge but I hope she gets what she gave; i.e. an SO cheating on her. Infidelity is a dreadfully painful experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone, except for one person. However, I don't waste much time or emotional energy thinking about it either.

[Snowflower]

 

I used to get mad about the unfairness of infidelity -- that BS don't get the "fun" of infidelity, but have to wade through the resulting fallout of its explosion -- the shattered trust, the self doubt, disillusionment of ideals and other vulnerabilities. My husband's own sense of trust has remained intact. I doubt the OW have had their trust affected? But for the BS --it's a heartbreaking drag on the soul in so many ways ... Still, the experience has taught me volumes and made me grow in amazing ways, just as cancer probably does for other survivors. I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone, but for me, I would not have traded it for the world. I am sincere when I say that.

 

Incidentally, the infidelity wasn't just about my husband's betrayal. I found that married people didn't know how to deal with our "situation" and so turned their back on me, only to pop up a year or two later when it looked like things were "back to normal." That infidelity hurt as much as my husband's. But it happens a lot, and that other side of infidelity isn't discussed. I learned who my true friends were. And I've had to deal with a lot of people's opinions and recognize it for what it is: their opinion and, oftentimes, unexamined fear.

 

I should mention that I'm married to a man who tries to grow in self awareness and who takes responsibility, as do I. Had I been married to an abusive man and/or someone with narcissistic personality disorder, there's no way I would have stayed in the marriage. Every situation is different and needs to be respected as such.

 

BT, this whole post was really profound...thank you for writing it. I snipped just a few paragraphs to comment on but the whole post was very good.

 

I had a few friends/family members who reacted much the same way as you describe. At first, I wanted to keep the peace and have them in my life. Now, I've mostly removed those people from my life and yes, their reactions hurt me (I think it is fear on their part) but it's better that they are gone. And I vow never to be that type of friend if this happens to someone I know in the future.

[JMacGirl26]

Once trespassing, assault with a deadly weapon, property damage, etc was filed against you (general you) your a$$ getting kicked basically is irrelevant in some places.

 

Play with fire, think you're tough girl, catch a case, get a record. There goes your employment opportunities... all for the sake of "Love" and a 2 minute brother. Phahaha!

 

Assault with a deadly weapon?? Holy crap, this is serious crazy stuff!

[blizzard]

Breezy Trousers "I doubt the OW have had their trust affected?"

 

Oh but they have. For a year and half, MM begged me to have faith in him...when I had none. He asked me to believe in him when I did not. He said I could trust him with my heart, that he loved me. He wanted to grow old with me. He said he had asked for a divorce. When I doubted him, he got angry and made me the bad guy. He said he had found a place...a room for my kids and his daughter when they came to visit. He planned trips for all of us...included my kids in everything. He raved how much his daughter would love me. He even wanted to introduce me to her on one occasion and I declined under the circumstances. He said he confided in his brother about me...that he told him he loved me. He was so anxious for me to meet his mom. He said I knew him better than his wife of 10 yrs did. He called me beautiful...He looked me in the eyes when we made love and told me he loved me. And in an hours time...he took all of this away and fell off the planet.

 

So yes, trust is shattered...and hearts are broken.

OW feel pain too.

Edited April 29, 2011 by blizzard

[JMacGirl26]

I am just amazed at how much lying goes on. And what for? To have sex with someone other than a spouse? It just seems absurd to me. And why tell someone you love them, want to spend eternity with them, etc. when it all is just lies?

[silktricks]

I'm just wondering, if you are a BS, how did you handle finding out and then confronting the OW? Or did you not confront her at all? If you did confront her, do you blame her only and not blame your H? Or do you find they are both equally at fault? Do you want revenge on the OW?

 

 

When my husband told me about it, I felt really about for her, and purchased a gift for her - in retrospect it was a foolish thing to do.

 

I attempted to call her, but it was not to confront her. I was curious about her and hoped to be able to talk with her about the situation. She hung up on me and I didn't try again.

 

I blame(d) both my husband and her, but mostly my husband for the affair. However, I do feel that if a person knows the other is married, they also carry "blame" for the affair. Her actions after the affair was ended are all on her.

 

No, I never wanted revenge.

Edited May 5, 2011 by silktricks

[Anna101]

I was the OW, but my partner's wife did phone me a few days after she was told and we had a long conversation. Basically she just wanted to confirm stuff he'd told her. We had a few more phone convos and she's also been to my house so her kids could meet our baby.

 

She was always nice to me, I believe she mostly blamed him.

[Audacia]

She confronted me. I know... The crazies as if she was the W.

How I handled her? I broke her face and got a restraining order. The End.

Due to the circumstances, they are both at fault.

Well, the beginning of her and my H. Revenge? She gets to live my old life now. SWEET!

 

They are both trash so they can sing "we belong together" now .

 

This has got to be the best response I have seen EVER!

[Breezy Trousers]

Breezy Trousers "I doubt the OW have had their trust affected?"

 

Oh but they have. For a year and half, MM begged me to have faith in him...when I had none. He asked me to believe in him when I did not. He said I could trust him with my heart, that he loved me. He wanted to grow old with me. He said he had asked for a divorce. When I doubted him, he got angry and made me the bad guy. He said he had found a place...a room for my kids and his daughter when they came to visit. He planned trips for all of us...included my kids in everything. He raved how much his daughter would love me. He even wanted to introduce me to her on one occasion and I declined under the circumstances. He said he confided in his brother about me...that he told him he loved me. He was so anxious for me to meet his mom. He said I knew him better than his wife of 10 yrs did. He called me beautiful...He looked me in the eyes when we made love and told me he loved me. And in an hours time...he took all of this away and fell off the planet.

 

So yes, trust is shattered...and hearts are broken.

OW feel pain too.

 

 

Thanks for posting that, Blizzard. I can understand it from your perspective now.

[Mimolicious]

Assault with a deadly weapon?? Holy crap, this is serious crazy stuff!

 

Yes, JMac. People fail to realise that every head is a different world. You don't know anyone's demons till you press the buttons. Playing with someone's emotions is definitely stroking the psycho out of many.

 

This is why crimes of passion happen. Honestly, there is also very little the authorities may be able to do. WTF is a restraining order going to do? Shield me from a bullet? Not! Just gives leads to a suspect.

 

Even today. I don't think I am out of harms way. You just never know...

OW is seriously disturbed and a piece of nutjob trash. That's karma for my exH that now has no choice but to deal with her. He can't even handle his OW. Someone from my family told me that they saw him in a public place being beaten by her. CLASSIC!

 

What a shame... This is what people turn they life into (sometimes, not all A's are a glossy love story as some want to illustrate here) for a piece of a$$. I'm speaking from my experience. My exH lost it all... all... all... and he did me a favor by walking out! HOLLA!

[Mimolicious]

This has got to be the best response I have seen EVER!

 

It's 100% true story though. It was not easy to accept and understand what had happened. Cost me many tears and co-payments. I'm not going to front, there are days that it still hurts and mainly for my kids. They have been affected very badly. The story has more drama than I can share here. It was innevitable to keep them in the dark because of other issues that arise. What my kids know now, it was out of my control to shield them from it.

 

I spent my teens and most of my 20's with this person. Never in a million years, I would have thought that he would do all of this and with who he did it. I grew up with this dude. I helped him rise and watched him fall.

 

Now, I get to look back and say "Wtf was I thinking?! I could have been killed over bullshyte!". Why? because someone decided that she was taking over. She basically attempted to finish me so she can have no obstacles. UNREAL! People believe their own nonsense.

 

What did I do? Marry and create a family and a home. Help this man achieve all his professional goals. Be his friend, lover, manager and this is what I get in return? I had to find answers to all those questions and many more. You have to get to know bad to know good though.

 

So like I said before and to put the thread back to track, that's how I handled the OW. GOT HER OUT OF MY PICTURE. She can be in his picture, not in mine or my kids.

[pureinheart]

My situation was a little unique, my husband's OW was someone I considered to be my best friend.

 

I freaked out when I realized what he was telling me and asked her why. She denied it at first, said he caught her off guard, etc. I got more trickle truth from her than I did my husband.

 

We went no contact with her but she kept finding stupid reasons to break the contact. After a mutual friend came to me and told me she was telling people things I had told her in confidence, I flipped out on her. Told her everything I was thinking and kept going until she finally blocked me on messenger. All she could say was she was sorry, she never meant to hurt me etc.

 

Yeah, having an emotional affair online with my husband was her NOT meaning to hurt me

 

I only blame her for her part. I trusted her, and she betrayed that trust by having that relationship with my husband. My husband has been blamed for his side, and has been making up for it since.

 

First bold was meant to hurt you...the second bold I don't believe was meant to hurt you.

[Mimolicious]

First bold was meant to hurt you...the second bold I don't believe was meant to hurt you.

 

 

Really? Please explain, how did you come to that conclusion.

[Lorelei_Lane]

First bold was meant to hurt you...the second bold I don't believe was meant to hurt you.

 

I don't understand how her having an affair with my husband wasn't meant to hurt me. If you're my friend, you know my husband is off limits, period. Yes, 50% of the affair is my husband's fault, and I make it clear in all of my posts that he has owned up to that. My "friend" never owned up to her 50% of the affair, which included her telling him about her long standing feelings for him and her regretting the initial rejection of his interest in her (before I came into the picture).

 

So unless you can really give me a good reason that she wasn't trying to hurt me by pretty much cyber f*cking my husband, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on that one.

[bentnotbroken]

First bold was meant to hurt you...the second bold I don't believe was meant to hurt you.

 

 

Hrrggh (in my best scooby doo voice).