Update - in a better place / got over xMW.

[East7]

First of all I am very thankful to all those who have helped me with precious and wise advises on LS, while my xMW kept coming back and forth stirring my feelings.

 

I have changed job and my new coworkers are just fantastic. My friends are kind and fun, we spend good time. I feel blessed

 

All my feelings and sadness about xMW are gone away, vanished...I still think about her when I am alone with a little taste of deception.

 

I can't believe she spend so many time coming back and forth, still with no goal or any project whatsover...just waffling to fill her emotional emptiness or - I think - everytime she got bored/fighting with her H she came back to me seeking approval/validation/admiration. I almost feel sorry for her H. I don't know I could ever have his patience, I don't know if I would want to keep a wife in permanent limbo.

 

With all the hindsight, I came to 2 conclusions :

 

- The person who really loves you, will do anything to be with you ! Period ! Even if it takes to hurt the BS, the BS will be ok...if you "love" someone else just divorce and get the hell out !

Staying for kids, etc etc... are just the biggest lies/bullsh** that a person can say.

 

- The married person that gets involved in a longterm A with a AP is just a liar, selfish, messed person. Who would want do share her/his life with such a person? How to trust someone who lies to her spouse every single day ?

I don't (anymore)! There are moments I just HATE my xMW so much. Even if a miracle would happen and she would beg me to be with me, I wouldn't want her back anymore. I can't love a person that doesn't want to be with me and I feel this is the healthiest attitude.

 

Most of the people seeking support here don't come back when their "file is closed" - I keep reading here, ready to alert other OM that would be dreaming about how fantastic their MW is.

[Hazyhead]

Congrats on your progress East. And your new job! I love reading posts that indicate such change in people, change for the better of course Good to know that she shall not turn your life upside down again. Now I wish for the type of healing for you that brings you to total indifference. I wish it for myself too.

 

Take care and enjoy life,

Hazy

[Silly_Girl]

Glad you're in a better place. No relationship should be about suffering/hurt. Good luck with everything!

[Confused4Now]

First of all I am very thankful to all those who have helped me with precious and wise advises on LS, while my xMW kept coming back and forth stirring my feelings.

 

I have changed job and my new coworkers are just fantastic. My friends are kind and fun, we spend good time. I feel blessed

 

All my feelings and sadness about xMW are gone away, vanished...I still think about her when I am alone with a little taste of deception.

 

I can't believe she spend so many time coming back and forth, still with no goal or any project whatsover...just waffling to fill her emotional emptiness or - I think - everytime she got bored/fighting with her H she came back to me seeking approval/validation/admiration. I almost feel sorry for her H. I don't know I could ever have his patience, I don't know if I would want to keep a wife in permanent limbo.

 

With all the hindsight, I came to 2 conclusions :

 

- The person who really loves you, will do anything to be with you ! Period ! Even if it takes to hurt the BS, the BS will be ok...if you "love" someone else just divorce and get the hell out !

Staying for kids, etc etc... are just the biggest lies/bullsh** that a person can say.

 

- The married person that gets involved in a longterm A with a AP is just a liar, selfish, messed person. Who would want do share her/his life with such a person? How to trust someone who lies to her spouse every single day ?

I don't (anymore)! There are moments I just HATE my xMW so much. Even if a miracle would happen and she would beg me to be with me, I wouldn't want her back anymore. I can't love a person that doesn't want to be with me and I feel this is the healthiest attitude.

 

Most of the people seeking support here don't come back when their "file is closed" - I keep reading here, ready to alert other OM that would be dreaming about how fantastic their MW is.

East I've always followed your story cause you remind me of my story. Like you my xMW never left and to this day is still with her H. Everything you posted today is exactly word for word what I would say. I was more fortunate to retire rather than get a new job. I'm in a much better place than I was in the last 5 years. There are moments where I feel hate only to come back and feel sorry for her husband. Honestly they are perfect for each other as they both cheat on each other and stay.

 

I'm so glad to read your post...Good luck in the future.

[BB07]

East.......my friend. I'm doing the happy dance for ya. :laugh:

 

You are one of the good guys........and I feel sure you will find you a wonderful lady who loves you with everything she has one day and yes, come back and tell us about that to. ;)

 

Hugs.........

[East7]

Thanks to anyone who have posted here.

 

The worst part of the affair was the chronic sadness..I was sad all the time missing and thinking about her....Damn it! True love is not supposed to keep you in darkness and pain, true love is about.projects, vacations and things to do together. True love is not someone who wants you in hotel bed but doesn't want you in her life.

I thought that MW was nothing less than the love of my life and a day we would be together. I was indifferent to other ladies because, in my head MW was better and smarter...such a fool I was:rolleyes:

Instead she chosed to stay in a loveless marriage where she has to work hard to fix things and to have her H trust again. Such a waste Madame Bovary..

 

Our happiness is the better revenge ! I would like to say to current OM/OW : don't waste your time trying to tell BS (unless BS calls you). I can't wait the day when I can dangle at her face a pic of me and my new cute fiancée

Edited April 27, 2011 by East7

[TigerCub]

Je suis très joyeux pour vous mon chou

Thanks to anyone who have posted here.

 

The worst part of the affair was the chronic sadness..I was sad all the time missing and thinking about her....Damn it! True love is not supposed to keep you in darkness and pain, true love is about.projects, vacations and things to do together. True love is not someone who wants you in hotel bed but doesn't want you in her life.

I hear ya!

I've never cried so much in my life like I did when I was involved in an A.

Oh man, so good to be out and thinking clearly.

True love is being with someone that you know has got your back no matter what!

Not someone you can't trust when they're not with you.

 

 

Instead she chosed to stay in a loveless marriage where she has to work hard to fix things and to have her H trust again. Such a waste Madame Bovary..

whatever, that's their problem.

They made their bed, they can be miserable in it!

 

 

Our happiness is the better revenge ! I would like to say to current OM/OW : don't waste your time trying to tell BS (unless BS calls you). I can't wait the day when I can dangle at her face a pic of me and my new cute fiancée

 

I thought that too, but honestly, I'm at a point where I don't want revenge. I feel sorry for xMM because he is so irrevocably broken, and I feel bad for his gf because she may not know of anything that's ever happened (before and after me), and finally, I feel sorry for those kids because they'll have plenty of issues thanks to growing up in an unhappy home or living a lie.

 

Its all very sad.

 

I'm glad to be out of it, I'm glad I found love again, and I just want to be happy.

 

I hope you find that cutie fiancée and that you always find your happiness East.

 

I'm very proud of you and happy to hear that you're in such a better place right now.

 

All the best

[Spark1111]

Thanks to anyone who have posted here.

 

The worst part of the affair was the chronic sadness..I was sad all the time missing and thinking about her....Damn it! True love is not supposed to keep you in darkness and pain, true love is about.projects, vacations and things to do together. True love is not someone who wants you in hotel bed but doesn't want you in her life.

I thought that MW was nothing less than the love of my life and a day we would be together. I was indifferent to other ladies because, in my head MW was better and smarter...such a fool I was:rolleyes:

Instead she chosed to stay in a loveless marriage where she has to work hard to fix things and to have her H trust again. Such a waste Madame Bovary..

 

Our happiness is the better revenge ! I would like to say to current OM/OW : don't waste your time trying to tell BS (unless BS calls you). I can't wait the day when I can dangle at her face a pic of me and my new cute fiancée

 

So happy for you East! All great points.

 

The bottom line? True love is NOT suppose to hurt; it supports, inspires, and makes all areas of your life joyous.....not painful.

 

As for dangling that pic? It will not matter one whit, because like everything else, she NEEDS to believe you still pine for only HER. She will justify that, along with everything else that is broken and not being fixed. In other words, it will probably not have the effect you desire.

 

And do not buy into her miserable marriage sob story. Her marriage may be much better than she would ever let on to you. Our's was. But it was the hook he used to keep her on the line. She so wanted to save him from me and "our miserable" marriage.

 

You are at the anger phase...very healthy, because some do not get here for years.

 

Pray for indifference. You will be there soon enough.

[East7]

Je suis très joyeux pour vous mon chou

 

 

All the best

 

awww I love to read your posts petite Tiger. Thanks for your words

 

As for dangling that pic? It will not matter one whit, because like everything else, she NEEDS to believe you still pine for only HER. She will justify that, along with everything else that is broken and not being fixed. In other words, it will probably not have the effect you desire.

 

Thanks Sparks, you have been a great support too.

As for "dangling the pic" I didn't mean it literally..Just letting her know I'm happy and I don't care about her. I know she will contact me back with her usual innocent "hey, I just wonder how are your doing." and I will answer "oh honey, I will not let you wonder so bad, I'm having an ice cream by the seaside with my sexy fiancée"

 

And do not buy into her miserable marriage sob story. Her marriage may be much better than she would ever let on to you. Our's was. But it was the hook he used to keep her on the line. She so wanted to save him from me and "our miserable" marriage.

I am not saying that all M after A are miserable. Some get fixed. But hers, I know, it is loveless, passionless, boring...She does everything not to spend time with her H.

Anyway, I don't care what her M looks like, I really don't give a damn, she is dead to me !

 

 

You are at the anger phase...very healthy, because some do not get here for years.

 

Pray for indifference. You will be there soon enough.

Anger..yes! Anger for having given my most passionate and deep love to someone who just didn't deserve it.

 

There is no such love-killer than deception and anger.

[Confused4Now]

East I've always followed your story cause you remind me of my story. Like you my xMW never left and to this day is still with her H. Everything you posted today is exactly word for word what I would say. I was more fortunate to retire rather than get a new job. I'm in a much better place than I was in the last 5 years. There are moments where I feel hate only to come back and feel sorry for her husband. Honestly they are perfect for each other as they both cheat on each other and stay.

 

I'm so glad to read your post...Good luck in the future.

What I meant to say is I feel more anger at myself that I would let myself be in this affair so long. I'm sure East feels the same way.

[East7]

What I meant to say is I feel more anger at myself that I would let myself be in this affair so long. I'm sure East feels the same way.

 

Well, I don't really feel anger or sorry for myself. I was the one who had genuine feelings, I was ready to be a stepfather just to have her in my life, I wasn't cake eating nor sleeping with someone else every night.

It lasted long time, yes, I fixed a 1 year deadline from the day it started for her to divorce and when the deadline was reached I told her either you divorce or it is over. She kept coming back and forth throughj withdrawal breaking NC for several months.

[so-wrong]

Well, I don't really feel anger or sorry for myself. I was the one who had genuine feelings, I was ready to be a stepfather just to have her in my life, I wasn't cake eating nor sleeping with someone else every night.

It lasted long time, yes, I fixed a 1 year deadline from the day it started for her to divorce and when the deadline was reached I told her either you divorce or it is over. She kept coming back and forth throughj withdrawal breaking NC for several months.

 

Good stuff East, way to go! Personally I have set myself a 1 year deadline from the A ending to re-establish contact & see once & for all if a R can be had. I want to give him opportunity to work on the M so will not intrude until that point. I figure a year is enough time for his & my M's to be either sorted & happy (or not as the case may be). Until then I just cannot let go as I know there is something remaining to explore with MM.

[skywriter]

Wish you love and happiness East.

 

It must feel as if a weight has been lifted from you.

 

Peace.

[silverplanets]

Hi East,

 

I really am pleased that things are still moving forwards in the right direction for you. Thoses of us who are perhaps further down that road will fully know how much hard work, determination and self-control there is behind every step that you have taken.

 

I've put some comments below which might (or might not :-) ) be worth mulling over ... in any case the intention is to help you go that next step ....

 

be safe

Chris

 

 

....

 

I can't believe she spend so many time coming back and forth, still with no goal or any project whatsover...just waffling to fill her emotional emptiness or - I think - everytime she got bored/fighting with her H she came back to me seeking approval/validation/admiration. I almost feel sorry for her H. I don't know I could ever have his patience, I don't know if I would want to keep a wife in permanent limbo.

 

East - need to be careful here. He is probably as enraptured in her world of make believe as you were ... that's all. His patience is probably no greater than yours. The only thing you CAN say is that she chose him over you - harsh but true .. and imho one has to be very aware of any transfer of that fact onto other issues (such as why he would want to do x , or y).

 

She did not choose you .. that's the cold fact that leads to the next healing. Any other thoughts are mostly irrelevant and lead you away from that fact.

 

With all the hindsight, I came to 2 conclusions :

 

- The person who really loves you, will do anything to be with you ! Period ! Even if it takes to hurt the BS, the BS will be ok...if you "love" someone else just divorce and get the hell out !

Staying for kids, etc etc... are just the biggest lies/bullsh** that a person can say.

 

Again, I fully understand what you are saying. But be careful. Staying for the kids is perfectly reasonsable ... and is not for you to judge.

 

Back to my point .. all you can say is that she didn't want to be with you . Her reasons are her reasons, your brain shouldn't be over there considering them.

- The married person that gets involved in a longterm A with a AP is just a liar, selfish, messed person. Who would want do share her/his life with such a person? How to trust someone who lies to her spouse every single day ?

I don't (anymore)! There are moments I just HATE my xMW so much. Even if a miracle would happen and she would beg me to be with me, I wouldn't want her back anymore. I can't love a person that doesn't want to be with me and I feel this is the healthiest attitude.

Maybe, maybe not ... that's a hell of a judgement. At the end of the day they are just a person - like you or I.

 

All you can decide is that YOU don't wish to share your affections with someone who is already in a current (or perhaps still commited to a past) relationship. Understand your motives .. their's are not your domain to judge.

 

Most of the people seeking support here don't come back when their "file is closed" - I keep reading here, ready to alert other OM that would be dreaming about how fantastic their MW is.

Maybe, maybe not. Other people may have great experiences and may end up with their OM/OW. Other people may have their own issues and being involved with an OM/OW is "right" for them ... or maybe just "where they need to be" in order to confront the learning that these things normally bring.

 

All you can focus your attention on is you and what is right for you, understanding why you were vunerable to such a relationship and potentially looking at any of your previous relationships to work out where you are with this whole "who am I" thing that is life

 

Thanks to anyone who have posted here.

 

The worst part of the affair was the chronic sadness..I was sad all the time missing and thinking about her....Damn it!

 

At this distance from mine I don't think there was a worst or best part .. it happened and just was. I'm ok with that. You get to a point where you don't need to polarise it in this way. It just is.

 

True love is not supposed to keep you in darkness and pain, true love is about.projects, vacations and things to do together. True love is not someone who wants you in hotel bed but doesn't want you in her life.

I thought that MW was nothing less than the love of my life and a day we would be together. I was indifferent to other ladies because, in my head MW was better and smarter...such a fool I was:rolleyes:

I don't judge myself any more for my choice to enter and stay in the dynamc. I really don't. When I made these choices I made the best available choice I could ... with the facts and awareness that I had at my disposal at that time.

 

If I had been aware they were "poor" choices I wouldn't have made them.

 

I can no more blame me than I can blame her. I simply wasn't aware.

 

Instead she chosed to stay in a loveless marriage where she has to work hard to fix things and to have her H trust again. Such a waste Madame Bovary.

Again, why is allocating any explaination to her part important? And be careful of gaining motivation from any hardship at her end- that's just her life influenceing you in another way ...

 

Our happiness is the better revenge ! I would like to say to current OM/OW : don't waste your time trying to tell BS (unless BS calls you). I can't wait the day when I can dangle at her face a pic of me and my new cute fiancée

Why would use your new fiancee in that manner? Why would you be involved with a new financee when you still had that level of anger (baggage) to an old relationship. Why would you corrupt someone else's life with YOUR issues????

 

I'm not getting at you East and I know exactly where you are. And I KNOW that what you are accurately articulting here is the anger that is part of the healing.

 

I am trying to give you hope and, because you read as being at a strong stage of resiliance, perhaps encourage you where to look next ...

 

It is good that you have got to where you have got .. in fact it is wonderful. The next stage, however, that surpasses even this. The next stage is where it just becomes something that happened ... and you genuinly attach no importance of feelings to it. Where you do what you do because you choose to, without any hint of anger of "feeling of being done wrong".

 

I have tried to highlight in the above where it reads, to me as an non-involved observer, where you are still giving away your power by attributing reason and cause EXTERNALLY to you.

 

You don't need external causes ... your part in this all is, and always was, within you. Accept that fully, understand any learning you need to do , come to peace with yourself and truly love who YOU are ... and then you truly will be free.

 

If I had to put in words my feelings for xOW, and her husband, and their children then I love them as I love all people on this planet. We share the same planet, the same air and the same right to be unique individuals and make our own choices. We share the same opportunity to make mistakes, to develop and, hopefully, perhaps become enlightened at some spiritual level.

 

I wish that they, as I would wish for a stranger, find peace and self-acceptance and walk in that bliss that is the enjoyment of living.

 

I also wish the same for my daughter, and everyone else I meet.

 

I also wish the same for me.

 

In terms of responsibility then I am responsible for my bliss, my daughter's (or at least helping her grow in an aware fashion) and encouraging strangers to be aware and look for it ....

 

Bu ultimately, everyone must choose their own path .. and that is as it should be.

 

Hope this makes some sense and perhaps helps in some small way

 

Chris

Edited April 29, 2011 by silverplanets

[Silly_Girl]

I've read your post twice through, Chris. Goosebumps both times. Your posts humble me. Thanks for posting.

[FightClub]

If there was one thing that stood out to me from Silverplanets response, it was the mention of the cold truth...that the AP didn't choose the OM.

 

I know for a fact looking back at things it saddened me the most at that point in time, regardless of the reason why I wasn't the choice, it hurt knowing that the time spent, the revelation of feelings on a physical/interpersonal level and overall connection with xAP resulted in pain but this is only relevant at the end, not now.

 

On the flip side, I see it now as a catalyst for who I am now, where I take my life and how I'm going to get there...the passion for the xMW in many ways reignited my passion for me and realizing I needed to make changes within myself if I am ever to truly be happy with not just anyone but most importantly...within myself.

 

East, like you brother, I know there is peace within...it's the journey that makes life interesting. Godspeed.

 

-FC

[East7]

Good stuff East, way to go! Personally I have set myself a 1 year deadline from the A ending to re-establish contact & see once & for all if a R can be had. I want to give him opportunity to work on the M so will not intrude until that point. I figure a year is enough time for his & my M's to be either sorted & happy (or not as the case may be). Until then I just cannot let go as I know there is something remaining to explore with MM.

 

Wish you love and happiness East.

 

It must feel as if a weight has been lifted from you.

 

Peace.

 

Thanks to both of you

[East7]

If there was one thing that stood out to me from Silverplanets response, it was the mention of the cold truth...that the AP didn't choose the OM.

FC

 

I know..but I don't feel miserable or a looser about it. It wasn't meant to be, thats all.

On another perspective maybe I dodged a bullet... Building a life with MW, being a stepfather, dealing with all her post-D issues, her insecurities, my trust in her would had been a HUGE work !

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@Silver I like your posts, they always look like dissertations.

 

Hi East,

 

East - need to be careful here. He is probably as enraptured in her world of make believe as you were ... that's all. His patience is probably no greater than yours. The only thing you CAN say is that she chose him over you - harsh but true .. and imho one has to be very aware of any transfer of that fact onto other issues (such as why he would want to do x , or y).

 

She did not choose you .. that's the cold fact that leads to the next healing. Any other thoughts are mostly irrelevant and lead you away from that fact.

 

Yes but as I said below I'm fine with that. I went throw the grieveing process and now I don't feel like I lost a game. It takes two people to tango the dance of a relationship, she picked her H and I took back my life

 

 

Again, why is allocating any explaination to her part important? And be careful of gaining motivation from any hardship at her end- that's just her life influenceing you in another way ...

 

Why would use your new fiancee in that manner? Why would you be involved with a new financee when you still had that level of anger (baggage) to an old relationship. Why would you corrupt someone else's life with YOUR issues????

That's just a way to give a slap in the face to MW. I will be 100% devoted to my future fiancée. And I am already emotionally detached from xMW so there are no "baggages" - at least that's how I feel. But maybe you ar right, ignoring is the best path to take.

 

I'm not getting at you East and I know exactly where you are. And I KNOW that what you are accurately articulting here is the anger that is part of the healing.

I'm very conscious that anger is the overwhelming feeling right now..which means I still care. The thing is I don't think about her in a positive way as I used to think before.

 

It is good that you have got to where you have got .. in fact it is wonderful. The next stage, however, that surpasses even this. The next stage is where it just becomes something that happened ... and you genuinly attach no importance of feelings to it. Where you do what you do because you choose to, without any hint of anger of "feeling of being done wrong".

I guess I'm not far from that stage.

 

Bu ultimately, everyone must choose their own path .. and that is as it should be.

Hope this makes some sense and perhaps helps in some small way

 

Chris

thanks!

[East7]

So this weekend I met a nice woman in a Café in Paris

 

She is amazing, 35, pretty, good career and single . We had an instant attraction and talked a lot. At the end we exchanged our phone numbers and I think I will ask her for a date these days.

 

I don't want to have a naive and excessive enthusiasm but I feel like I'm moving on at light speed. When I think about xMW now it is with anger and almost disgust for the A...Why on earth did I settle for crumbs, longing for someone else's wife while there are so many amazing SINGLE women out there.

 

When I think ALL the pain I went through, all the hell..for a desperate married woman who made me believe she loved me....Damn it ! If she loved me she wouldn't be there with her husband today

Affairs are so cheap ! It takes a nice pretty woman at a Café to understand how cheap it was and to realize that there is BETTER !

 

I want to say to all OM/OW :

 

There is always someone out there waiting for you. Don't sell your heart too cheap, you will find better ! Even if you are going through pain and missing your MM/MW..remember this : you will crush again for someone else and at that moment all your story with MM/MW will collapse in your mind like a castle of cards. All that "undying love" will vanish in a moment.