recently reconnected w/ex affair partner.

[Hivona]

My history: married young. He was emotionally, verbally, & physically abusive. After 7-8years I met a coworker that seemed to be everything I wanted.

 

This coworker: also in LTR, not happy.

 

So we got involved before we left our now ex's. I know on some level I loved my affair partner. Absolutely loved him & I was so naive I thought we would have a chance together once everything was final. I thought he loved me but now I'm not sure. He made me feel it, his actions showed it. We would talk about being together once we left our spouses, I think he even mentioned marriage down the road. I know on some level he did care for me. Nowadays I just don't know if it was some kind of warped love or what. Anyway I moved out from my ex & so when I was finally available this guy decided I still had too many questions (if I really wanted to leave my husband, etc) & I needed to be on my own for awhile (very true, I was very unstable) so he backed off & started dating others. I was heartbroken!!! Lost my marriage & him. I was so messed up for about 1 1/2 years. I kept very sporadic contact with my affair partner. Usually he reached out to me. We would hook up every now & then but gone were the days of dinner, & watching movies & couple type things. Eventually he met someone & she got pregnant. Not sure if it was intended or not but he's stayed w her & now their son is 2 & he's marrying her very soon.

 

This past year I hadn't talked to him. We had an argument & I told him it's best we just remove each others numbers, forget we exist & be done w it. So we didn't talk. A mutual friend said we should talk because he says he misses talking w me & always asks how I'm doing. So I took his number again & reached out to him.

 

We met up recently & I still find him intoxicating. Now I'm thinking how unfair it is we didn't get a fair shot, blah blah! It's not fair he gets a child & partner & I'm struggling. Ugh! I know life isn't fair. But I still have feelings for this man. It's crazy! I know logically he will never be with me. He will stay with his wife & child & probably get whatever else he "needs" on the side. I just can't believe after about 2-3 years now I still can't look at him as a friend or at the very least acquaintance. We have a mutual friend & occasionally she will talk about him or briefly mention him. She knows we have some kind of history but I'm almost certain she doesn't know the full story. Anyway, it bothers me to hear about him even when she so casually mentions him, because I still care for him. It's sick! I shouldn't care about him like this anymore!

 

I know in my brain I'm better off w/o him. He CANNOT be faithful (he cheated on his first girlfriend, his ex wife early in their relationship & then later with me, cheated on the mother of his child, & would probably cheat on me if we were together! serial cheater). But my emotional heart still cares for him. This history we have keeps me connected. Part of me doesn't really want to let him go forever.

 

I do know when I'm dating or in a relationship I feel better about it but like right now when I'm not seeing anyone this guy is all I can think about! It's kind of pathetic. I envy how guys can compartmentalize their feelings. I guess I'm just venting. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.

[Nicolasa77]

This is the hot new that I really attract. I will contact with you right now. Thanks for sharing.