I didn't think exes could be this cruel...

[whatdoido1717]

thanks. the truth really hurts and i do want nothing more than to show her that i could give her what she wants. but in the end i guess the list of emotional "what i want" will really be never ending

 

I'm sorry man. I really am. I only speak the truth from my pain from the last month or so. It is so fresh. You can never give her what she wants. It is impossible. She is not capable of a loving relationship like you and I think of it. You can always care and I always will but I can't ruin my life with her as it will do no good to either of us. For example, do I want to be her ex fiance. Together for two years, she cheated on him. Then we were together. The entire time he couldn't walk away. He didn't eat. It distroyed his life the entire time but she kept him on the backburner. Do you want to go through that? Yeah, he may have her back now that she painted me black he can be white again. But do you really think this happiness will last? No she is sick. She will see he is not the knight again and do it to him again and he will be back to the pain again. We don't want that cycle. He is not the "winner" for getting her back. I am for being stronger. So hard to think about all the good things and seemingly sincere loving things she said and let go. Actions speak louder than words. Please read my thread. Its 10 pages of struggle that you will find tremendously insightful I think. It has been my journey so far. Worst point of my life. Trying to climb out of hell.

[Cristoforo]

I'm feeling like my thread got hijacked a bit. lol. Sorry guys, I'm just emotional right now. I know you guys are hurting right now too.

Edited April 28, 2011 by Cristoforo

[whatdoido1717]

I'm feeling like my thread got hijacked a bit. lol. Sorry guys, I'm just emotional right now. I know you guys are hurting right now too.

 

Sorry cristofo, I got carried away there cuz my emotions were running high. Reallyconfused if you want to talk post on my thread so we can focus on cristofo here. Again, my fault.

[Downtown]

Downtown

ive been reading through a lot of your posts and you seem to have quite a grasp on the whole BPd thing. is there any way to talk to you further about it?

ReallyConfused, yes, I will be glad to join the discussion in your "First Day NC" thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t275568/. This morning, I followed that link in your post #35 above and was intending to post in your thread so I can address your questions without hijacking Chris' thread.

[reallyconfused2542]

sorry about that cristo....

[Cristoforo]

No problem man. It's cool. I understand what you're going through though. Hang in there.

[JimmyB26]

Cristofo, did you check out that blog I mentioned a few posts back in this thread? It really helped me with my ex, and I've been able to spot red flags much sooner and avoid disasters thanks to the advice on that site.

[Cristoforo]

Jimmy, I checked it out briefly...are there any specific articles I should read on there? I'm not sure where to find the stuff on BPD.

[Downtown]

Are there any specific articles I should read on there? I'm not sure where to find the stuff on BPD.

Chris, in my first post above (#37), I provide a link to an overview on BPD traits that I wrote in Inigo's thread. Because my three posts in that thread cover a lot of ground, I said that I would be glad to try to answer any questions you had about them. Yet, because you raised no questions, I figured you were momentarily overwhelmed by all the information we gave you in this thread (which just skims the surface).

 

If you now are ready to absorb more information, I suggest you read those three posts, one of which provides a link to the best article I've ever seen on how to minimize the pain of leaving a BPDer. It's called "Surviving a Breakup with a Person with BPD." I've recommended it to many newbie Nons like you and most have found it very helpful. At that same website (BPDfamily), there are a dozen other excellent articles.

 

While you are there, I suggest you also check out the BPDfamily forum, where you will find stories from hundreds of young guys like you who have gone through -- or are still going through -- the same pain of breaking off from a relationship with a BPDer. That website is the largest, most active BPD site I've ever found that is targeted solely to us "Nons," i.e., the nonBPD partners. It is so large that there are a dozen message boards devoted to various BPD relationships (e.g., partner, spouse, parent) and stages of relationship (e.g., "Leaving," "Staying," and "Undecided"). I also highly recommend the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells," the best selling book targeted to us Nons.

 

Because BPDers alternate every few weeks between wonderfully adoring and hateful, withdrawing from the "wonderful" part is akin to withdrawing from heroine highs. It is painful and difficult to do. Moreover, until someone has experienced it first hand, it is difficult or impossible for them to understand why we have such difficulty leaving an abusive partner.

 

It therefore can be highly beneficial to your recovery to surround yourself -- or at least have access to -- as many of us "Nons" as you can. We will help you through the transition -- as payback for the Nons who helped us when we were newbies ourselves. And, just so you know, you are doing well. VERY well. I did not do nearly so well when I was a newbie like you -- just four years ago.

Edited April 29, 2011 by Downtown

[Cristoforo]

Thank you very much Downtown, your posts have been helpful. I will definitely check those forums and articles out. I do have some questions maybe you can answer.

 

1. Do BPDers always have every trait that you describe or can they just have some of them? You mentioned that BPDers are usually wild in bed and have really passionate sex. I mentioned before, my ex was the complete opposite. I was her first. She was very apprehensive about sex probably due to her abuse. Sex was not really passionate, it was sometimes cold and mechanical, and she would always tell me she was in pain and sometimes she would get mad at me during it and sometimes claim I was treating her like an object.

 

2. Is it more common for the non-BPDer to leave the BPDer? Because that wasn't what happened to me. She left me.

 

3. Is it ever normal for a non-BPDer to sometimes think that they are completely wrong in thinking their ex has BPD?? Like sometimes I think, well, maybe she doesn't, maybe I'm crazy for thinking she does. I always doubt myself sometimes and think I'm just labeling her with BPD to make myself feel better about the breakup

 

I hope you can answer these questions, you have been so helpful thus far.

[Mike_d]

I can help here a bit, exW had a nasty case of BPD, took me years to figure out what the deal was with her and all her crazy behavior. Got hoovered 2 times after flailing horribly at NC with her and ended up with 2 more kids, thankfully they are great kids and do not have the disease and are finally learning that she isnt right in the head. has taken years and much damage to get here though.

 

#1 - no, dont have to have all, think its like 8/10 and there is usually some sort of other PD mixed in. Check out the eggshells site if you absolutely must know more, but I'd encourage you to let it go.

 

#2 - there is no normal, each situation is different. but with BPD you get the push away, hoover back in cycles. You saw that when she brought you back to hawaii and then pushed you away

 

#3 - absolutely, that is the most-bestest part of all in dealing with a partner with BPD. get told that the sky is green for a period of time and you'll swear that there is some green sky up there the next time you look. In the end it doesnt really matter what she has/doesn't have. Is she good for you? Does she treat you well? Is she a good partner? Are you able to get your needs met?

 

You got off easy, I've spent well into the mid 6 digits in dealing with my ex: courts, kids, support, counseling, moving away costs, lawyers. Hopefully a $2k lesson is all you'll need. Hoping I can take a bit of my own advice here as well, but there is better for you out there. Be strong, just keep you NC going one day at a time

[Downtown]

Chris, I generally agree with what Mike says above. I also agree with Mike that, if you are able to "let go" of figuring out what disorder your exGF has, you should do it now and stay away from her. Yet, because you seem to have strong traits of being a codependent caregiver like me, I suspect that the notion of walking away from a sick loved one is anathema to you. That problem, together with your strong desire to be needed, probably is why you've been willing to remain in a toxic relationship for nearly five years -- at which point your ex left you.

 

Hence, my belief is that, until you understand your ex's role in the toxic relationship more clearly, you will have a very hard time seeing your own role: that of caregiver whose enabling behavior (i.e., the walking on eggshells) allowed her to keep behaving like a child. Hence, like Mike, I want to encourage you to work on your issues, which may include Avoidant traits as you suspect. The only difference, then, is that I am less optimistic than Mike as to your ability to see your own role without first understanding your ex's issues.

 

We codependent caregivers are convinced we are "only trying to help" and have no idea we are contributing to the toxicity by being the glue that holds the toxic relationship together. My experience with over a hundred other codependent Nons is that, until we understand that our "trying to help" is counter-productive with BPDers, we are unwilling to take a hard look at our own issues. This is why I've encouraged you to read more about BPD and see if the red flags pertain to your ex.

1. Do BPDers always have every trait that you describe or can they just have some of them?

As Mike says, no, they typically don't have every trait. The diagnostic manual stipulates that a person must have at least 5 of the 9 traits at a strong level. Moreover, most folks diagnosed as having full blown BPD also have one or two other PDs. This is why the 10 PDs are being consolidated into only 5 PDs in the revised diagnostic manual that is scheduled to be released in 2013. (Yes, BPD will be one of the surviving 5 categories.)

 

That said, not all of the 9 traits are equally important. Some of them are core traits that are nearly always (or always) present. Emotional instability, for example, is always seen in BPDers. The all-or-nothing thinking, inability to trust, and low self esteem are nearly always present, I believe. The passionate wonderful sex, I am sad to say, is not one of those core traits. Indeed, it is not even listed as a BPD trait. I mentioned it only because most Nons experienced it and are quick to tell you about it. Further, keep in mind that, if your ex has strong BPD traits, she likely has strong traits of a related disorder (e.g., Narcissistic PD).

2. Is it more common for the non-BPDer to leave the BPDer? Because that wasn't what happened to me. She left me.

Well, because BPDers typically will push you away regularly on many occasions, your question is all about the permanent walking out. Yes, it is more common for Nons to walk away because most Nons have strong personal boundaries. After the six month honeymoon ends, they may be willing to spend another 6 to 12 months trying to reestablish the blissful conditions of the honeymoon. Then they bail and, like Mike says, they don't need to figure out what is wrong with the ex. They don't even look back.

 

Codependent guys like you and me, however, typically NEVER let go. "Abandoning" a sick loved one goes against our family values, our religion, our self concept -- indeed, against every fiber of our being. We therefore ignore all the abuse to ourselves because we are so focused on "helping" our loved one. What happens, as the years go by, is that the BPDer grows increasingly resentful that we have not made her happy or fixed her. So the BPDer typically walks out on us.

 

I say this based on a comment by an online therapist who said that the BPDer relationships he has seen typically last either 12-18 months (when the Non has strong, healthy boundaries) or 15 years (for Nons like us). That struck a chord with me because my BPDer exW abandoned me at almost exactly 15 years. But, of course, your mileage may vary. Some BPDers (like your ex) walk at 5 years and some stay for a lifetime.

3. Is it ever normal for a non-BPDer to sometimes think that they are completely wrong in thinking their ex has BPD?? Like sometimes I think, well, maybe she doesn't, maybe I'm crazy for thinking she does.

Absolutely. As Mike says, it is very common for the Nons to be filled with self doubt. Indeed, it is very common for the nonBPD partners to feel like they are losing their minds. Therapists see far more Nons -- coming in thinking they may be going crazy -- than they ever do BPDers. Of the 10 PDs, BPD is the only one that is infamous for making the Non partners feel like they are going crazy. If you're living with a Narcissist or Sociopath, for example, you will feel debased and miserable -- but you likely won't feel crazy.

 

Dating a BPDer has this disorienting effect because the BPDer is always flipping between adoring you and devaluing you -- and blaming all of the flips on you. This BPDer rationalization is so infamous that Nons have given it a name: gaslighting. It's named after the classic 1944 movie, Gaslight, in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to have her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with her family jewels.

 

Do I know for certain that your exGF has strong BPD traits? No, of course not. I've never even met her. Yet, as I explained before, you would have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to spot the red flags if you were dating a woman having such strong traits for nearly five years. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about verbal abuse, emotional instability, cutting of the arms and legs, lack of impulse control, inability to trust (e.g., jealousy), low self esteem, constant blaming (i.e., projection), and inappropriate anger.

I always doubt myself sometimes and think I'm just labeling her with BPD to make myself feel better about the breakup.

If you have moderate Avoidant traits as you suspect, the self doubt just goes with the territory and is something you will have to work on. As to your exGF, however, you should start reading about the nine traits and make up your mind. I've twice asked you to start reading and you have yet to do so.

 

Once you have time to do that and get a better understanding of BPD traits, you likely will know whether they apply or not. In any event, I suggest that you meet with a good psychologist for at least a few sessions to get professional guidance. I've done that myself and it is very helpful if you choose a good therapist. Moreover, it need not be expensive because they charge on a sliding scale, based on your income.

[Sugarkane]

Unfortunately exes can be that cruel. The ex that brough me here was. He dumped me by phone, completely out of the blue. then insulted me by text. Never said he was unhappy, not even once. Now I wouldn't take him back if he got on his hands and knees and begged for forgiveness. I'd just laugh my head off at him.

This is my story?:

www.loveshack.org/forums/t261358

[Cristoforo]

Downtown, I read that article and I went to that website and the information was very helpful. While my ex doesn't have all 9 of those traits, she has the majority of them I think.

 

I guess I should go into some more background about our 5 year relationship and you can tell me what you think.

 

One of our break ups lasted like a week. This was around the 3 year point. We started going to couples counseling because we weren't getting along and there were problems. I think we went once or twice and then she told me that its too much for her and that she is too young to be going to couples counseling. A week later she was calling me looking for a shoulder to cry on and of course she came back. Is it normal for BPDers to think that they don't need therapy or have no interest in getting therapy?

 

Then came the engagement after 4 years. A couple months into the engagment we were having issues and I was getting nervous so I told her about it...then I told her I was depressed lately (I have a history of depression) and she interpreted this as I don't want to marry her and that I shouldn't be depressed because we are about to get married and it should be the happiest time in our lives. She said she can't marry a depressed person and gave the ring back. Here I thought she would be supportive and help me through that. She then claimed that I was the one who called off the wedding because I got nervous!

 

Of course she hung around after that and after repeatedly telling me I needed to move out I never did and her and I stayed together but weren't engaged. No matter how much I tried to explain to her I loved her and I was just nervous and going through some things and I really did want to marry her, she didn't want to hear it. In her mind, there was no way I could feel differently after what I told her. This drove me nuts, because I just wanted her to see that I loved her and I had temporary cold feet but I wanted to be with her and get married! I should also mention that during this time she freaked out so bad once that she took my guitar and smashed it against my dresser over and over again. We were still seeing each other and living together for another 3 months, after which we started going to couples therapy again. After about 3 sessions, she broke up with me claiming she saw me more as family and didn't love me the same way. I finally moved out, but like a week later she starts calling asking to hang out. She totally did not understand the concept of NO CONTACT and thought it was selfish of me to do it!

 

We were broken up, I moved out. I had my own place, I was trying to move on, so I went out and lived it up as a single guy for the first time in almost 5 years. But she kept in contact and we saw each other every now and then but we weren't a couple. Finally, months later she tells me she loves me and wants to spend her life with me and she suggests that we move to Hawaii. About two days after we get back together she starts grilling me about my activities during the last breakup. She repeatedly asks me if I slept with anyone, which I had, I WAS SINGLE and trying to move on!! I didn't tell her I did because I knew she wouldn't react good to it. She even said one time "If you ever slept with anyone else I would never want anything to do with you again" So how could I not lie? Finally, one night, the grilling was just too much and I came clean. That was the last time I saw her before this past week. That was December 9, 2009. She told me to get out of her life, that I was evil, and that I violated her body by sleeping with someone else and then sleeping with her months later. I had used protection with the one nighter I had after my ex and I were broken up.

 

I walked out of her house that night and like a month later she runs off to Hawaii. I never really go closure because she wouldn't even talk to me. I didn't understand. She told me a week before she wanted to spend her life with me, then a week later after I told her some details about when I was single, she hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I shouldn't have lied, but I just think she overracted, and then she runs away to Hawaii.

 

A month after she moves she calls because she was scared about a tsunami hitting Hawaii after the earthquake in Chile. She drunk calls about 2 months after that telling me how much she misses me and will never love someone as much as she loved me. 2 months after that I call her because I was feeling lonely and she wants nothing to do with it and tells me she is seeing someone. Went no contact for 5 months, then she emailed me. 3 months after that another email, a month after that, which brings us to the end of March of this year, she drunk calls and invites me to Hawaii, and then that disaster happened and now here I am.

 

Does any of what I described sound like someone with a personality disorder? Throughout all of this turmoil I always felt like I was in the wrong and that it was all my fault. She told me to get out of her life that one night, but couldn't seem to let go as evidenced by her calls and emails after she moved away. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she called or emailed me months from now. She always thought it was perfectly normal for us to be friends after our long relationship.

Edited April 30, 2011 by Cristoforo

[Downtown]

I shouldn't have lied, but I just think she overracted, and then she runs away to Hawaii.

You think she overreacted? You think?? You THINK!!!! OF COURSE, she overreacted -- concluding that your were 100% evil and had violated her body by touching her after dating someone else. That is classic black-white thinking, wherein she either adores you or regards you as Hitler incarnate. No middle ground is possible. Moreover, you lied to her about sleeping with that young lady -- which you did as a single man -- only because you knew your exGF would do black-white thinking, flying into a childish rage.

 

That is, you knew for four years that the woman has the emotional development of a four year old and would always control you by throwing temper tantrums -- which were extremely effective because (like me) you were all too willing to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting that little brat.

Does any of what I described sound like someone with a personality disorder?

Like I said, only a professional can determine whether she has a full blown disorder like BPD. But that is not at issue here. Rather, the issue is whether she has BPD traits that (absent years of therapy) are strong enough to make her a very poor candidate for marriage.

 

I don't understand how, if you read the article I cited and my posts in Inigo's thread, you cannot know the answer to that question. To me, that article and those posts read -- with only a few exceptions -- like a biography of your exGF. Moreover, if you will pick up a paperback copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells," I believe you will find that it too reads like her biography.

 

But, Chris, I sense that you are repeatedly trying to get ME to make this decision for you. You have to decide that for yourself. You know her a thousand times better than anyone else on the planet. In contrast, I've never even met the woman. So all I'm saying is that, given the behaviors you are describing here, you will find those same behaviors on nearly every page of that book.

[Cristoforo]

Thank you Downtown, I know I need to make the decision from myself. I think I am just looking for reassurance from others who know the subject of BPD well. I think its part of me being the non-BPDer who isn't sure what to think and still thinks blame falls on him. I know full well that what I've read in the articles matches up with my ex almost perfectly, and yet I'm still seeking reassurance from others.

[Downtown]

I know full well that what I've read in the articles matches up with my ex almost perfectly, and yet I'm still seeking reassurance from others.

I understand, Chris. I was the same way for many months. The reality is that learning about BPD on an intellectual level is the easy part. You can do that in a few weeks. What is hard is internalizing the information -- converting knowledge into wisdom -- so that you feel it to be true at a gut level. To do that, you have to bring your inner child (i.e., the intuitive part of your mind) into alignment with your adult's understanding.

 

Because I had been in a 15 year relationship, it took me at least a year (and perhaps two) to accomplish that. After just two weeks of intense reading on the Internet, I had a pretty good understanding of what I needed to do to get out of the toxic relationship and why I needed to do it.

 

Yet, because my child was over a year behind my adult, the child sabotaged my every effort to break away. It hindered me with nagging doubts, terrible guilt, and a strong feeling of obligation. It kept telling me that the theory floating around in the adult part of my mind was an insufficient basis on which to wholly abandon a loved one. Even after I had left her, I still refused to go No Contact for eight more months, at which point I finally realized she is incapable of ever being my friend.

 

My adult dragged my child -- with him kicking and screaming every inch of the way -- to that shocking truth. How do you accomplish that? How do you teach a child -- who had felt for forty years she was my best friend -- that she never had that capability?

 

To bring the child and adult into alignment, what helped me a little was talking about my new found knowledge to anyone who would listen. Well, that was good for a week. Then their eyes glazed over. So what helped the most was coming to this forum where I could discuss it with people who had been there, done that. Significantly, that helped my mind to associate feelings with each of the intellectual thoughts. That has to be done because the child only learns from emotional experiences -- not from logic.

 

Writing and talking will help you internalize the information, turning knowledge into wisdom -- by connecting thoughts to feelings. If you doubt that, simply ask any university professor about its effectiveness. They will quickly tell you they never had an intuitive, deep-level understanding of their subject matter until they had to teach it to someone else -- or had to write it down very precisely when doing research. Hence, what I found most helpful, Chris, is talking about it to anyone who listens and writing about it to anyone who writes back.

 

For all human beings, it seems true that the inner child makes at least 90% (if not 95%) of the important decisions. I was 50 years old before I understood that simple notion. And it took me 12 years to do it.

 

What happened was that, for 12 years, I took my bipolar foster son to a weekly family group meeting with the psychologist who was treating him. Whenever the psychologist challenged me on something, I always had an elaborate well-thought-out explanation for doing whatever I had chosen to do. Never mind that what I had chosen was not working with my foster son and never mind that I kept repeating the same pattern year after year.

 

The psychologist was always greatly amused by my explanations. He would laugh and point out, in his kindly fashion, that my elaborate rationalizations could not disguise the fact that my inner child -- not my adult -- was calling all the shots, making nearly all the decisions. In any contest between the adult and child, he claimed, the child would almost always win. But I just could not swallow that concept.

 

Yet, after twelve years of his gentle rebukes, it dawned on me one night -- right as I was about to drift into sleep -- why he had to be right. My inner child, I suddenly realized, is the sole judge of what is fun and what is not fun. That decision is all powerful. The adult part of my mind will nearly always conclude that it makes no sense -- indeed, would be preposterous -- to do something, go somewhere, or date someone I do not enjoy. My adult logic thus nearly always has to end up in the lap of my inner child.

 

This is why learning about my exW's problem (BPD) and my problem (codependency) is the easy part. What is difficult is internalizing that understanding, i.e., transforming that knowledge into wisdom, which requires that my feelings catch up with my intellectual thoughts.

 

Simply stated, I had to persuade my child that my adult views of my ex's illness and my own codependency are correct. Had I failed in that effort, I would have remain stuck in a destructive pattern -- repeating my past mistakes over and over, because my child will be calling nearly all the shots.

[Cristoforo]

Thank you Downtown. I will continue to read and educate myself about BPD. You have been so informative and helpful and reading your posts has really helped me to better understand this situation and now I am better equipped to move forward with my life. I hope one day I can be as knowledgable as you in this matter and be able to help others as you have helped me. Thank you very very much. I appreciate it more than you know.

[Mike_d]

<cough>eggshells book<cough><cough>torrent<cough>thepiratebay.org<cough> sorry, something in my throat, better now

[Mike_d]

BPD is a brutal disease to try to work with as a non. Think of being a acne faced 15 yr old band geek being asked to play offensive lineman position in the NFL. You are the band geek, the person with BPD is a defensive lineman. you don't come close to standing a chance of surviving while trying to play their game. People cruely afflicted with this disease are master manipulators and emotional gangsters. You are up against a power so strong you have no idea till you get out of this and have a few months perspective under your belt. Its life or death for them every moment of every day to get the emotional fix that they need to maintain their disease.

 

Seriously, it is impossible to overstate how far over your head you really are in trying to deal with this. I know it is easily said but if you love you, really love yourself, you'll run away from this and get as much distance as you can as fast as you can. And chances are you won't be able to get away given the life threatening need they have to keep you safely close. You can't fix this, you can't negotiate with it, you will not be able to find a happy spot in this, ever. This will be your life if you allow this to happen.

 

The most vicious ex in the world will be one with BPD who has split you black and has a vendetta to get even. The stories I could tell you...

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/157224108X/ref=dp_olp_used?ie=UTF8&condition=used

 

http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/swoe.php

 

http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/

 

http://www.google.com/search?num=100&hl=en&safe=off&q=borderline+personality+disorder+forums&aq=f&aqi=g4g-m2&aql=&oq=

[geegirl]

I'll be honest...I am partly to blame as well. I could have prevented every ounce of this pain if I only chose not to go to Hawaii. But still, for someone to practically ditch me like that almost as soon as I get there, for reasons I can't understand but are probably just delusions in my exes head, that is pretty cruel and cold.

 

Yes, you do have some responsibility but no one should treat someone like that. Ouch. I almost wanted to vomit when she dumped you and your bags on the street.

 

She's got issues that are far beyond your understanding. Let her go. I would have tried to enjoy the sights and sounds of HI too but when you are emotionally hurt like that, it would be hard to enjoy yourself and everything around you.

 

Just look at it as a lesson learned and move on. And yes, what she did was very cruel and selfish. You don't even have to ask. You know it. Now get mad.

[hurley21]

You have been her yo-yo. That is my term for people who are screwed up and constantly 'need' someone in their lives. My ex is one of these people. When he needs someone, or gets worried about the future, etc. I am the love of his life and he needs to be with me. However, the minute he feels better, there is some new thing 'wrong' with me and he just has to be independent and single again.

 

The yo-yo treatment is CRUEL. So cruel. They know you care for them and they know they can get away with it. The hardest part is telling them (and meaning it) that the last time was the LAST time and that they don't have any power over you or your emotions.

 

She will call or e-mail again. Its just a matter of time before she 'needs' you. She doesn't need you, she just needs someone. The most common theme with these kind of people is that they have crappy pasts. It is a dead ringer for yo-yo treatment. Sorry to hear you've also been sucked in. Hopefully we'll both find our way out.

[Sugarkane]

Wow i didn't think I'd find someone who ex is more callous than mine! Can you give me her number? I should give it to my ex. He deserves someone equally if not more cruel and selfish than he is. I think they'd be good for each other.

[love4me2c]

Obviously your girlfriend cannot stand being alone. This is why she drinks. This is why she contacted you. I'm sorry for this, but recognize that you just need to move on from it. There is a good book I'm reading right now called "Getting over your breakup" it has helped me tremendously already and I'm only on day 4 of the break up. You can even download it if you have a kindle or an iPhone with the kindle app. I think it will give you some tools to move on to a more fulfilling relationship when you're ready. Ex's can be cruel. Mine was so cruel that he sent me a picture of his new girlfriend and him kissing and a caption that read "I've moved on." Meanwhile he keeps trying to contact me.... what a loser.

[sinnister]

BPD is a brutal disease to try to work with as a non. Think of being a acne faced 15 yr old band geek being asked to play offensive lineman position in the NFL. You are the band geek, the person with BPD is a defensive lineman. you don't come close to standing a chance of surviving while trying to play their game. People cruely afflicted with this disease are master manipulators and emotional gangsters. You are up against a power so strong you have no idea till you get out of this and have a few months perspective under your belt. Its life or death for them every moment of every day to get the emotional fix that they need to maintain their disease.

 

Seriously, it is impossible to overstate how far over your head you really are in trying to deal with this. I know it is easily said but if you love you, really love yourself, you'll run away from this and get as much distance as you can as fast as you can. And chances are you won't be able to get away given the life threatening need they have to keep you safely close. You can't fix this, you can't negotiate with it, you will not be able to find a happy spot in this, ever. This will be your life if you allow this to happen.

 

The most vicious ex in the world will be one with BPD who has split you black and has a vendetta to get even. The stories I could tell you...

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/157224108X/ref=dp_olp_used?ie=UTF8&condition=used

 

http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/swoe.php

 

http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/

 

http://www.google.com/search?num=100&hl=en&safe=off&q=borderline+personality+disorder+forums&aq=f&aqi=g4g-m2&aql=&oq=

 

One of the greatest posts ever read. I still love my BPDer to death..n Chris's story is bad...imagine being invited to talk to your ex....then she creates a fake kidnapping story to justify snubbing you after you've put 5K into trying to save the RS in 4 months. All b/c you initially trusted this person that needed such an emotional fix, that she still tricks you despite not wanting you in her life (supposedly) in any way, that she's still a good person behind that change.

 

Anyway, mine is in total shame about what she's done to me, luckily I got to some decent friends/maybe family. They've barely spoken back, n it was mostly negative (although some stalked me afterwards, lol-in little ways, you can't act like an LDR was the Love of Your Life for 2 years, then make him out to be a psycho n refuse to meet him b/c of some new dude that doesn't even match him). So I was spared the FB flaunting thank god. Although, reading about BDP gives me slight hope I'll hear from her again, I think she's playing the opposite game...as I talked to one of my exes publicly on FB recently, then got a ton of "chatter" from people she knows. To win against BDPers, you have to do the opposite of everything a normal person does. The only way to shake them is not be routine..they've seen everything, cause they've caused it or let it happen to them. You're right that they're emotional vampires, but if they don't destroy you, can make you so much better as a person...I was random, but now I just know things I'd never would've before her..or put it all together, and all that time saturation they need has given me so much depth, patience and love. I wish I could eventually direct it to what could be a better woman..but my heart/soul feels locked to her right now. My fault was telling her but not in that sappy way, lol.

Edited May 30, 2011 by sinnister