23 years old - first love lasted a month - should I be concerned?

[theseeker]

Hi,

 

I've read posts here before, but this is my first contribution!

 

Of course, it is a long story, but in a nutshell:

My first romantic encounter ever (first date, first kiss, first boyfriend, first everything) ended roughly one year ago. It only lasted a month. I was 23 and he was a 30 year old former professor of mine.

I was crazy about him and had had a giant crush on him throughout the year I was his student. We never had sex, but it got serious quickly after we began dating/became official. We did all the things that couples do, we opened up to each other, talked, laughed, held hands, the works. He was super romantic and I was happy and fine until he started to change. He stopped calling, stopped wanting to see me, and began to act a little rude towards me (whenever I would call him to chit chat & talk about my day and ask about him, he would respond with one word sentences or just tell me that he was tired.) I all of a sudden felt very clingy and insecure about the whole situation. I didn't like how I felt, or how I was acting. I got wasted and called him an a**hole, and said I wanted to end it. But, of course, it wasn't that simple. We talked about it face to face, and got nowhere. The next day he said he simply couldn't have someone talking to him like that, and that he was sorry to say that he didn't think it was a good idea to see each other anymore.

 

I was so sad that I went home that weekend. I emailed him and told him that he was my first boyfriend ever (I hadn't told him before since I was so naive that I didn't think it mattered), and that I felt completely guilty for hurting him and that I was sorry. He said he was devistated, and wished it hadn't ended the way it did. Wasted again, I emailed him later that week and proposed that we got back together again. He refused, saying that it was much too emotionally exhausting. Feeling like a fool, I agreed.

 

He left for a European vacation that he had planned, saying that he would keep in touch. He wanted to stay friends, and I agreed wholeheartedly, but that was before it had fully hit me. While he was gone, I emailed him a few really psycho emails: telling him that I couldn't figure out what went wrong, and why I freaked out the way I did and blah blah.

 

He never contacted me again.

 

I completely lost all my ability to trust people in general.

I was so utterly destroyed and depressed for so long. I felt like someone who I thought the world of, and opened up to, totally threw me away without thinking twice.

After graduating, 6 months after we broke up, I moved back to my home city, and here I am a year later.

I feel better now. I haven't dated anyone since, simply because I haven't been interested.

 

I don't know what to think about the ordeal, I've stopped trying to figure it out. I feel like I am over it, but I still find myself crying occasionally.

 

So, my question is: what is going to happen to me? How hurt am I? I know that it only lasted for a month, which seems like a trivial amount of time. But I was SO affected by it, should I be concerned? Will there be ramifications? How deep IS this cut?

Edited April 27, 2011 by theseeker

[lemonlegs]

So, my question is: what is going to happen to me? How hurt am I? I know that it only lasted for a month, which seems like a trivial amount of time. But I was SO affected by it, should I be concerned? Will there be ramifications? How deep IS this cut?

 

You're going to be just fine. I know that anyone's first relationship is special to them because it's the first time they've experienced anything like that. It's natural.

 

However, it was one month, and you said you didn't even have sex? You will find a guy who you will probably be with a lot longer than a month and you'll realize how juvenile and casual this relationship was. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but that's what it sounds like from an outside source.

 

I understand that you'd be hurt if you really liked the man, but it's definitely not something to dwell over. It's not like you spent several years of your life with this man and experienced many things in his company. Eventually, you will find a man that you will have this with and it will be a million times better.

 

I would honestly say that you're putting this man on a pedestal because he was your first boyfriend. Seriously though, it was a month. Nothing to stress about. You'll find that relationships can be a HELL OF A LOT more complicated than what you've seen thus far.

[theseeker]

I agree, it was juvenile and casual. I think that is what hurt the most about it. I have always put romance on a pedestal, which is probably why I avoided it like the plague for so long. Fear of the unknown and so forth. And I know you're right, I'll eventually find someone a million times better. Can't wait to meet him. I sometimes wonder if it would have been better if I had just gone about relationships the same as every other girl, dating any random barney who asked just to get some experience under my belt. Instead, I waited until I honestly cared about the guy. Maybe that was a mistake, maybe not. How do people deal with this crap and keep their lives together? It is way too much. During those 6 months after it ended, while I was still in school, I was so fragile and sensitive, I felt EVERYTHING. I closed myself off from the world, I guess out of defense. I dropped 40 pounds almost instantly, and it physically hurt to wake up each morning and realize that I still had to get up and live my life. I'm glad he never contacted me, it was a crappy thing to do but anything else would have been worse. As far as the sex issue is concerned, no we didn't do the deed, technically speaking (thank god!). But, I practically lived with the guy during the short time we were together. You can make of that what you will. It is just so damn hurtful that I was just some little flighty interest, and that it meant nothing to him. I tell myself the same, that it was just some trivial lustful encounter - but I am simply pretending - trying to psych myself out so to speak. I tried to search the web for anything that might help, to maybe find someone else who has had a similar experience, but everything I've found just talks about serious first relationships. 1 year, 2 years, 9 months. Why didn't my first love last that long? Why was I just a fling? What does that say about me? I hope it isn't this hurtful the second time around.

Edited April 27, 2011 by theseeker

[theseeker]

To Lemonlegs,

 

I know that last reply was just me crying in my beer more. But I wanted to say that I've thought about what you replied and it has really helped a lot! I guess I just needed someone to be upfront and honest to put it all in perspective rather than trying to make me feel better by saying "he'll be back, they always come back!" or "don't put yourself down, I'm sure he cared about you a lot!" or similar bull like that. My friends mean well and just want me to feel better, but sometimes a blunt "it doesn't anything to him anymore, so it shouldn't mean anything to you anymore either." is the best response.

 

Thanks for being straight with me. I needed it. My sappy sentimentality has been getting the best of me for an embarrassingly long amount of time. In all honestly, I was skeptical even during the time we were together. There were obvious clues he gave (I don't know whether consciously or not) that made me feel uncomfortable. I knew he wasn't my soul mate or anything like that, which is why I never went all the way with him. I guess that's also why I jumped to conclusions and freaked when he started to get a bit distant, I was sort of waiting for it the whole time. Then when my worst fears started to come true, I desperately tried to save my own heart by hurting his with immature name calling. Lesson learned. There obviously wasn't much trust there, but as you said - it only lasted a month - so how could there be any legitimate trust?

 

And actually, I'm kind of proud of myself for going for it. I mean, I DATED MY 30 YEAR OLD PROFESSOR! That kind of sh*t only happens in indie films!!!! And for someone who has avoided romance for so long, I was surprisingly aggressive and confident in the beginning. I had to email him and say "Hey, watch this movie trailer, <link> seems cool, WE SHOULD GO SEE THE MOVIE SOMETIME!"for him to ask me out on a first date. That is a pretty obvious carrot to dangle. I know he was probably confused as all hell, wondering why I kept talking to him about things unrelated to school and such. And I know he didn't want to make any assumptions or cross any lines, him recently being my professor and all. Still though, it isn't hard for me to assume that he didn't feel at all the same way as I did, that he just thought "Hey, here is this really pretty & smart girl who wants to date my sorry ass. Cool!" and then just rolled with it, simply going through the motions and doing all the things he did with all his former longterm girlfriends, as far as the romantic stuff is concerned anyway.

 

When I think about it from his perspective, taking what I just said into consideration, I don't feel as hurt. It makes it much easier to think that he didn't intentionally throw me away. When we were together he would always say that hurting me was the last thing he wanted to do. When I think about it now, most of the time I honestly believe that he never had the intention of doing so. That he didn't stop talking to me because he 'threw me away', but because I freaked out and he felt it was best to leave me alone since he realized when he found out that he was my first boyfriend that I would be very brokenhearted about the whole situation. I bet he figured he would be doing me a favor by simply disappearing into the woodwork. Its a nice story, and for my own mental health I am going to stick to it!

 

I'm also going to work on not blowing something so little out of proportion. Its hard, because it is sort of my nature. I tend to make mountains out of molehills, not just with romance but with EVERY aspect of life. I need to work on finding myself a guy to be in a REAL, LONG and TRUSTING relationship with. Now, if only I knew how to go about finding him, then I'd be set. But I know that I am not the only one who has difficulties with finding a legitimate boyfriend. May I'll just sit back and let him find me this time? Or maybe not... <3!

Edited April 30, 2011 by theseeker