Guy/girl friendships

[DreamerGirl27]

Okay. I have forever been confused about this and what I believe. I used to be the kind of girl that always hung out with all the guys (in high school). Until one day, I talked to one of my youth leaders about this and he said that guys and girls cannot be friends with each other, because it's like "finger printing their hearts". Ever since then, I haven't known what to believe. I wasn't sure I believed it, because I was friends with a lot of guys and didn't feel a thing for any of them. Even the ones I thought I might like, I wasn't jealous of other girls being around them. But... I really got thrown for a loop just recently. About a year ago (and I've posted about him several times) I met a guy that I *really* like. And I got jealous of every girl that he talks to. It's sort of subsided, but I was really not liking the amount of girls he talks to and it killed me that we're just friends. So, then I started thinking maybe my youth pastor was right and maybe there was some truth in that.

 

But...the longer I am friends with this guy and we're just friends, the more I'm okay with it. I don't know how I would feel about him hanging out with and talking to other girls if he were in a relationship with me.

 

Then...to make matters worse, I have my parents to take into consideration. My dad was hell bent on not wanting my mom to hang out with other guys when he first got together with her, and to this day, my dad does not have any girl friends. He just has my mom. My mom has had a couple guy friends, but nothing really serious. Meaning, she doesn't hang out with them, one of them lived in another state, etc...

 

But my dad still gets jealous of other guys she talks to (or at least he did once a long time ago, since I've been alive).

 

So, on the one hand, I feel bad for the person that's jealous, but then on the other hand, I don't know if I buy into the whole "guys and girls can't be friends". Like, I don't know where I stand on the subject. Obviously, when you're in the situation of someone you really like and you really don't want them talking to other girls (this has only happened to me once), you feel bad and you wanna believe the whole Christian theory, but at the same time, when you calm down and those feelings subside and you go back to your normal way of life, I start feeling like that's just people being too...I dunno the word for it. Not relaxed? Too strict? To uptight?

 

I know I have posted several other places and I sound like I am all for one set belief, that guys and girls can't be friends, but I honestly don't really know what I believe. All I know is that I seriously CAN'T keep guy friends because I *think* they all treat me as a potential partner, even when I just want to be friends. So, they end up ignoring me, just because I'm a girl. This sort of irritates me, because I am able to be just friends with many men and it irritates me when one doesn't respond well.

 

I guess I sit on the fence.

 

Somebody please shed some light on this. Anyone that's a Christian and knows what my youth pastor was talking about, about guys and girls "fingerprinting each other's hearts" by being friends.

[ALonerAgain]

Okay. I have forever been confused about this and what I believe. I used to be the kind of girl that always hung out with all the guys (in high school). Until one day, I talked to one of my youth leaders about this and he said that guys and girls cannot be friends with each other, because it's like "finger printing their hearts". Ever since then, I haven't known what to believe. I wasn't sure I believed it, because I was friends with a lot of guys and didn't feel a thing for any of them. Even the ones I thought I might like, I wasn't jealous of other girls being around them. But... I really got thrown for a loop just recently. About a year ago (and I've posted about him several times) I met a guy that I *really* like. And I got jealous of every girl that he talks to. It's sort of subsided, but I was really not liking the amount of girls he talks to and it killed me that we're just friends. So, then I started thinking maybe my youth pastor was right and maybe there was some truth in that.

 

But...the longer I am friends with this guy and we're just friends, the more I'm okay with it. I don't know how I would feel about him hanging out with and talking to other girls if he were in a relationship with me.

 

Then...to make matters worse, I have my parents to take into consideration. My dad was hell bent on not wanting my mom to hang out with other guys when he first got together with her, and to this day, my dad does not have any girl friends. He just has my mom. My mom has had a couple guy friends, but nothing really serious. Meaning, she doesn't hang out with them, one of them lived in another state, etc...

 

But my dad still gets jealous of other guys she talks to (or at least he did once a long time ago, since I've been alive).

 

So, on the one hand, I feel bad for the person that's jealous, but then on the other hand, I don't know if I buy into the whole "guys and girls can't be friends". Like, I don't know where I stand on the subject. Obviously, when you're in the situation of someone you really like and you really don't want them talking to other girls (this has only happened to me once), you feel bad and you wanna believe the whole Christian theory, but at the same time, when you calm down and those feelings subside and you go back to your normal way of life, I start feeling like that's just people being too...I dunno the word for it. Not relaxed? Too strict? To uptight?

 

I know I have posted several other places and I sound like I am all for one set belief, that guys and girls can't be friends, but I honestly don't really know what I believe. All I know is that I seriously CAN'T keep guy friends because I *think* they all treat me as a potential partner, even when I just want to be friends. So, they end up ignoring me, just because I'm a girl. This sort of irritates me, because I am able to be just friends with many men and it irritates me when one doesn't respond well.

 

I guess I sit on the fence.

 

Somebody please shed some light on this. Anyone that's a Christian and knows what my youth pastor was talking about, about guys and girls "fingerprinting each other's hearts" by being friends.

 

DreamerGirl, this about one of the most honest posts I've actually seen from you cos you're actually openly acknowledging your conflicting behaviour/beliefs based on what you've seen/been taught by people in your life.

 

Hmm, well, I can't really explain what your youth pastor meant. Did you ever ask them to explain what they meant?

 

Does that mean that you dropped all your guy friends then when you were told this? Seems like you were perfectly satisfied with having them around until your Youth Pastor pointed this out. See you just proved that you CAN be friends with guys without having sexual feelings towards them.

 

The fact that you view differently around someone you ARE romantically interested in is because you ARE romantically interested in them! Therefore, you will view any other female contact(s) they have as 'competition' for their affection.

 

The way I see it, is that there's no clear cut rule. What I've been witnessing in your threads about this topic is that everything should be one or the other; black or white.

 

Nothing in life is going to be that clear-cut - at least the majority of the time. If you live your life trying to make everything that way, then you'll drive yourself crazy trying to get rid of all the variables (e.g. are you going to go down the same root as your dad and try and 'rid' your future partner of all their platanic friends of the opposite sex?)!

Edited April 27, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[Ross MwcFan]

I'd take anything that a pastor says with a pinch of salt.

[Floridaman]

I'd take anything that a pastor says with a pinch of salt.

You could say the same about many people, like university professors, academicians, scientists, lawyers, politicians, etc.

Okay. I have forever been confused about this and what I believe. I used to be the kind of girl that always hung out with all the guys (in high school). Until one day, I talked to one of my youth leaders about this and he said that guys and girls cannot be friends with each other, because it's like "finger printing their hearts".

Anyone that's a Christian and knows what my youth pastor was talking about, about guys and girls "fingerprinting each other's hearts" by being friends

That may be his thoughts, but it may not be correct in all cases.

Having friends I don't think is ever a problem.

Like the other poster said, and I believe bentnotbrokenis a woman of faith, it's about your boundaries.

But... I really got thrown for a loop just recently. About a year ago (and I've posted about him several times) I met a guy that I *really* like. And I got jealous of every girl that he talks to. It's sort of subsided, but I was really not liking the amount of girls he talks to and it killed me that we're just friends. So, then I started thinking maybe my youth pastor was right and maybe there was some truth in that.

The problem here is you were jealous bec. you clearly had feelings for this guy. He didn't.

Any time anyone in that position sees the other talking to a potential "competitor," it hurts.

 

So it's all a matter of your feelings and perspective.

 

You need to understand not everyone is going to reciprocate and see the same in you that you see in them.

 

Speaking from experience. I too wanted relationsihps with other women, who seemed like they could care less and I couldn't get an opening with them. They didn't have eyes for me.

But...the longer I am friends with this guy and we're just friends, the more I'm okay with it. I don't know how I would feel about him hanging out with and talking to other girls if he were in a relationship with me.

As you're "just friends," not even dating, having friends of the opposite sex -- for either party -- should be okay.

Even if you're "casually dating," should be okay to date others.

If you get into a serious relationship with someone, that's a diff. matter.

 

Here are the "levels" or "stages" of dating I read about when I was in my late 20s:

 

-acquaintance

-friends

-casual

-exclusive (serious)

-engaged

 

You can date as many people you want in the first 3 stages. It can become a big no-no at exclusive.

 

Then...to make matters worse, I have my parents to take into consideration.

 

My dad was hell bent on not wanting my mom to hang out with other guys when he first got together with her, and to this day, my dad does not have any girl friends. He just has my mom.

Can see his side... as long as they're dating seriously.

If she wasn't comfortable with his stance, she didn't have to date and get engaged to him..... It's all about YOUR boundaries and what you want out of a relationship.

My mom has had a couple guy friends, but nothing really serious. Meaning, she doesn't hang out with them, one of them lived in another state, etc...

Was this while your mom and dad were engaged and married?

Or before they got serious in dating?

 

Most spouses would be upset if the other continued to see members of the other sex while they were married.

Now, if one partner was seeing someone else and that person's spouse, that's diff.

But to keep seeing others when you're in a serious relationship, that's considered a taboo by most.

But my dad still gets jealous of other guys she talks to (or at least he did once a long time ago, since I've been alive).

Understand this in some ways.

Guys she is "friends" with? Or just guys she meets in public?

Sounds like your mom is really outgoing.

Of course, your dad may have (had) a lot of insecurities...

So, on the one hand, I feel bad for the person that's jealous, but then on the other hand, I don't know if I buy into the whole "guys and girls can't be friends". Like, I don't know where I stand on the subject.

 

Obviously, when you're in the situation of someone you really like and you really don't want them talking to other girls (this has only happened to me once), you feel bad and you wanna believe the whole Christian theory, but at the same time, when you calm down and those feelings subside and you go back to your normal way of life, I start feeling like that's just people being too...I dunno the word for it. Not relaxed? Too strict? To uptight?

A matter of your personal boundaries (during dating).

 

Let's turn the situation around:

Say you got married and were having sex with your husband.

Would you feel okay with him keeping close relationships with women?

Not talking about work colleagues, but going out and doing things with, and in long phone/email conversations, with women?

 

How would you feel had he be investing a lot of time in another person?

 

All I know is that I seriously CAN'T keep guy friends because I *think* they all treat me as a potential partner, even when I just want to be friends. So, they end up ignoring me, just because I'm a girl. This sort of irritates me, because I am able to be just friends with many men and it irritates me when one doesn't respond well.

Yeah, that is a problem, a bird of another feather.

Feel for you there, Dreamer.

 

I'll post some ideas on how you may try to overcome that in another thread.

[OldSkool]

Anyone that's a Christian and knows what my youth pastor was talking about, about guys and girls "fingerprinting each other's hearts" by being friends.

 

There is a reason that men and women separate into different ministries and bible studies.

 

When a man and a woman spend a lot of time together as friends, they begin to memorize/understand (fingerprint) the heart (feelings, wishes, desires) of the other.

 

Bible studies, ministries and such are places where Christians are encouraged to open their hearts to one another, confess their indiscretions, and seek guidance from one another. As this involves a level of emotional intimacy, it is almost always done in a same sex setting.

 

Whenever a man and a woman share emotional intimacy (even as friends) it sets a precedent for that relationship, that is different from a casual acquaintance. In essence they know the fingerprint of the other's heart.

[DreamerGirl27]

There is a reason that men and women separate into different ministries and bible studies.

 

When a man and a woman spend a lot of time together as friends, they begin to memorize/understand (fingerprint) the heart (feelings, wishes, desires) of the other.

 

Bible studies, ministries and such are places where Christians are encouraged to open their hearts to one another, confess their indiscretions, and seek guidance from one another. As this involves a level of emotional intimacy, it is almost always done in a same sex setting.

 

Whenever a man and a woman share emotional intimacy (even as friends) it sets a precedent for that relationship, that is different from a casual acquaintance. In essence they know the fingerprint of the other's heart.

 

 

Thanks OldSkool. Your post made the most sense.

[donnamaybe]

Friends of ANY sex "fingerprint each other's hearts." WTH difference does it make? Learning what is in the heart of your friends is a bad thing now? Just... wow.

 

I guess that means if I get too close to my girlfriend, I'll go lesbian on her.

[djhall]

Friends of ANY sex "fingerprint each other's hearts." WTH difference does it make? Learning what is in the heart of your friends is a bad thing now? Just... wow.

 

You beat me to it. That was exactly what I was thinking... WTF, isn't that the entire point of being friends?

 

I guess that means if I get too close to my girlfriend, I'll go lesbian on her.

Well, that isn't what I was thinking before, but it is now!

Edited May 2, 2011 by djhall

[chucksagent]

I really enjoyed Floridaman's reply:

 

-acquaintance

-friends

-casual

-exclusive (serious)

-engaged

 

(I really liked the above and couldn't agree more with that progression)

 

I think the key wording he used was "how would you feel if roles reversed."

 

I'm SERIOUSLY not attacking women here...BUT in my experience, women, more than men, seem to need to be reminded more often of "how would you feel if (roles reversed)" 9 out of 10 times the woman involved is like "Oh, wow, I didn't even think of it like that, I'm sorry." So it's not at though they are being malicious. I TRULY think the cause of this is because women GENUINELY want to be ONLY friends with 90% of their male friends. HOWEVER, lets all be honest here folks, 90% of men WANT TO BE INTIMIATE or maybe even WOULD BE INTIMIATE if they could with their female friends...Whatever men tell you, TRUST ME, they are lying if they disagree with what I just said - it's in our biology.

 

That presents an interesting and unique problem.

 

Women often CAN hang out with a guy and not want more. But nary can a man hang out with an attractive woman and not want more. Just facts; therefore, men should not be "friends" with women IF IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. A casual acquaintance among common friends is fine...but going out for drinks and to a movie just the 2 of you is an ABSOLUTE no-no. Bottom line.

 

Then becomes the matter of FROM THE WOMANS perspective. They will argue they SHOULD be allowed to hang out with men because THEY aren't intersted. BUT ALAS, the issues remains that MAN is probably into you. And it's not fair he is spending time alone with you while your boyfriend or husband is at work or at home. What's right is right. If it's THAT important to parade around town with men who want you, stay single. Loyalty, doing the RIGHT thing, and respect are FAR more important in my opinion.

 

PS: I also agree spending a LOT of time with someone of opposite sex can lead to strong feelings - and the argument about being a lesbian is a dumb one because biologically (unless you ARE homosexual) you will not be ATTRACTED (the key word and issue) to someone of the same sex. It's a moot and silly point.

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[DreamerGirl27]

I really enjoyed Floridaman's reply:

 

-acquaintance

-friends

-casual

-exclusive (serious)

-engaged

 

(I really liked the above and couldn't agree more with that progression)

 

I think the key wording he used was "how would you feel if roles reversed."

 

I'm SERIOUSLY not attacking women here...BUT in my experience, women, more than men, seem to need to be reminded more often of "how would you feel if (roles reversed)" 9 out of 10 times the woman involved is like "Oh, wow, I didn't even think of it like that, I'm sorry." So it's not at though they are being malicious. I TRULY think the cause of this is because women GENUINELY want to be ONLY friends with 90% of their male friends. HOWEVER, lets all be honest here folks, 90% of men WANT TO BE INTIMIATE or maybe even WOULD BE INTIMIATE if they could with their female friends...Whatever men tell you, TRUST ME, they are lying if they disagree with what I just said - it's in our biology.

 

That presents an interesting and unique problem.

 

Women often CAN hang out with a guy and not want more. But nary can a man hang out with an attractive woman and not want more. Just facts; therefore, men should not be "friends" with women IF IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. A casual acquaintance among common friends is fine...but going out for drinks and to a movie just the 2 of you is an ABSOLUTE no-no. Bottom line.

 

Then becomes the matter of FROM THE WOMANS perspective. They will argue they SHOULD be allowed to hang out with men because THEY aren't intersted. BUT ALAS, the issues remains that MAN is probably into you. And it's not fair he is spending time alone with you while your boyfriend or husband is at work or at home. What's right is right. If it's THAT important to parade around town with men who want you, stay single. Loyalty, doing the RIGHT thing, and respect are FAR more important in my opinion.

 

PS: I also agree spending a LOT of time with someone of opposite sex can lead to strong feelings - and the argument about being a lesbian is a dumb one because biologically (unless you ARE homosexual) you will not be ATTRACTED (the key word and issue) to someone of the same sex. It's a moot and silly point.

 

Wow, thanks for your post as well. Floridaman also made a lot of sense to me. I absolutely agree with this.

 

I guess the problem is that I'm a WOMAN who knows this. And also lives by it. I don't keep male friends. I have male friends, but I try my best not to lead them on. I don't hang out with them alone unless I like them.

 

It's just really hard being a woman and being aware of this and a few of my girlfriends aren't.

 

Right now, I'm trying to keep myself involved in church where I will meet like-minded people.

 

It's also really difficult, because it seems like I've done a role reversal with a friend of mine. A male friend I DO like. He wants to be just my friend, I'm dying to get in his pants (to be blunt). LoL I am sooo attracted to him it's not even funny.

 

I just hate being a female in the position of telling other females, "um hey, your guy pals aren't your guy pals" because most of them look at me like I'm crazy. Most of the worldly ones anyway.

 

I'm trying to separate myself from my worldly friends right now so I can cut back on those "crazy" looks.

 

I don't tolerate worldly people very well, they usually bring out a lot of hate in me. So, I'm just trying to get more involved in church.

 

Thanks for your responses.

[Floridaman]

I really enjoyed Floridaman's reply:

 

-acquaintance

-friends

-casual

-exclusive (serious)

-engaged

 

(I really liked the above and couldn't agree more with that progression)

Thanks. I read that in a dating book as I was trying to ramp-up my dating at 25-26 and find a real relationship.

in my experience, women, more than men, seem to need to be reminded more often of "how would you feel if (roles reversed)" 9 out of 10 times the woman involved is like "Oh, wow, I didn't even think of it like that, I'm sorry." So it's not at though they are being malicious. I TRULY think the cause of this is because women GENUINELY want to be ONLY friends with 90% of their male friends. HOWEVER, lets all be honest here folks, 90% of men WANT TO BE INTIMIATE or maybe even WOULD BE INTIMIATE if they could with their female friends...Whatever men tell you, TRUST ME, they are lying if they disagree with what I just said - it's in our biology.

That's likely true.

So no matter what the guy says to a woman, if he's single, he's likely interested in her.

Women often CAN hang out with a guy and not want more. But nary can a man hang out with an attractive woman and not want more.

 

Just facts; therefore, men should not be "friends" with women IF IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. A casual acquaintance among common friends is fine...but going out for drinks and to a movie just the 2 of you is an ABSOLUTE no-no. Bottom line.

Also factual.

 

This is a good post, chucksagent.