dealing with my wifes affair

[tomcatf14g]

ok not sure why my thread was deleted off the forum but for those who have been helping me and giving advice i could really use some now. Ok so here is the major update. My wife had me served with a restraing order today. Almost every single thing in it are complete lies. The only thing truthful (which she over exastreated on) is the fact that i have sent her emails and txt trying to save the marriage. everything else she listed for her reasons are complete lies. So what do I do now. I have gathered up all of my evidence for court next week and have some witnesses to the events she is claiming to come with me on my behalf. Im confident i will prevail in it. But she filed the thing on the 19th and has been in contact with me since she filled it. she has even been contacting me today for all kinds of reasons. so she is already in violation of it cause it goes both ways. Now I know this is because she is getting revenge for me having the OM removed from the house (which I now have proof she is still seeing). Ok fine. I can handles that. I have also served her with the divorce papers and i am bring them to court as well. they also show proof of her lies in her petition. So whats my next step. Im confident i will win this court case for the restraing order. and i am defently done trying to save this marriage. nit giving up hope but now i really dont care one way or the other. But after she loses in court with this thing i have got to get things to calm down between us for the sake of our children My marriage is over and since i have to deal with her for the rest of my life one way or the other ive got to calm things down and keep them calm.

 

any advice on any of this would be greatly appreciated.

[robf1971]

ive got to calm things down and keep them calm.

 

Yep... it's a fine art of being firm, but calm without being a jerk. If I can master it so can you.

 

Wife rings you up looking for a brawl on the phone

 

"wife, I'm happy to talk to you in a friendly and civil manner, but until then this conversation is over" Phone down. (Remember firm voice)

 

She will spin up you worse than Sonic the hedgehog, just ignore her spew and the inevitable 10 hate filled text messages. Just be consistent and eventually she will learn that speaking to you in such a manner will not ellicit a response and she might even apologise (shock horror).

 

If she tries it when you see her, it's the same thing but when she starts shouting or raising voice put your hand up in front of you and say the same thing then walk away.

 

Ohh get yourself a new set of clothes also and a new haircut, look good when you see her. (for your own self esteem).

[robf1971]

Also remember, that she is gonna get even madder at first because she's losing control over you. However she will begin to respect you.

[John Michael Kane]

Also remember, that she is gonna get even madder at first because she's losing control over you. However she will begin to respect you.

 

Begin to respect him? After what she's done? And that matters how?

 

Tom if she's violating her "restraining order" I hope you plan on showing the judge she's been in contact with you since she filed.

[2long]

Tom:

 

I would PM Tony and ask why your thread was removed. He might have a good reason that you're not aware of.

 

Do you have a lawyer?

 

Hang in there. And don't forget the important point in all this - take care of your kids first and foremost. The court will respect that you're putting their well-being above all else. Your wife is obviously not.

 

-ol' 2long

[robf1971]

Begin to respect him? After what she's done? And that matters how?

.

 

Er , read the OP's original thread.. He needs to calm the situation down. Currently she is Sh*tting all over him. That is why it matters

[John Michael Kane]

Er , read the OP's original thread.. He needs to calm the situation down. Currently she is Sh*tting all over him. That is why it matters

 

He needs to stand up for himself and his kids, not for her. She's doing this because she doesn't care. Her her view on what he's doing for himself doesn't matter.

[robf1971]

He needs to stand up for himself and his kids, not for her. She's doing this because she doesn't care. Her her view on what he's doing for himself doesn't matter.

 

Yep, all true!! but sadly this POS woman needs to be handled by Tomcat for the next xy number of years. Sooo, he needs to stop her ****ting on him and the only way to do it is get some respect back. If there were no kids involved I'd tell Tom to stick his middle finger up at her. Thats what I did to my crazy XW from my first marriage and it felt good. However, Kids change the whole equation.

[linwood]

You need to show the judge your wife has violated the restraining order while giving him witnesses that the claims behind the restraining order are false.

 

You also need to give whatever evidence you have to the OM`s CO that he is still seeing her after being order to cease and desist all contact with her.

 

You need to grow some balls before you can do any of this though.

[tomcatf14g]

hey believe me i got my balls back. she wants a fight she has one. i was up all night gathering all my evidence and putting it together. ive got the proof of the affair, proof of what i have sent her, i have proof of her threats, her lies, of her permescuity, and a whole lot more. I now have over 300 pages of evidence against her alone and im still not finished getting it all together. So trust me i am preparing for war. she is only doing this because she is P.oed at me for getting OM removed. I am confident the courts will see that as well.

 

But with all that said, yes its true i will have to deal with her for pretty much the rest of my life because of the children. even if i get full custody of our kids i wont keep her from seeing them. this whole sitution has got to calm down and cool off. Im done with the marriage. I dont eant to be with her anymore. not with her acting in this manner. I wont give up hope that one day we will reconcile, but i damn sure will not try anymore to save it and im not the one here who needs to beg and plead or make drastic changes. Thats all her. so basically, i just need to calm things down for the sake of my children

[Chi townD]

Okay, we told you she would be doing these things..the restraining order...all of it! That's why we stressed it is important to document EVERYTHING!!! record everything! She probably got the restraining order for two reasons

 

1. to get revenge on you.

2. to continue her relationship with the OM. If you can't be around how would you ever know.

 

If you have proof that the OM is still in contact with your wife, then go straight to his CO with the proof and you can put a peroid on that! Regardless if you're gonna divorce her or not. She's still married and HE is still married. In the eyes of the military that is wrong and it's not your fault. This guy was given a direct order to stay away and he flagrantly disobeyed it. That's his undoing, not yours.

 

Okay, now is the time to lawyer up! Bring all the proof you have. If there's phone records of her contacting you after the 19th or texts or phone records..she shot herself in the foot! I'm SO glad you didn't go into the house when she invited you in when you picked up the stuff for work...you would have been in the living room and she would have been in the kitchen calling the cops saying that you were in the house. You need a lawyer to exsponge that RO off of your record, or else she can use that to limit visitation with your kids or supervised visitation or even worse, no visitation at all. If the courts side with you and lift the RO, I would seriously talk to the lawyer about going after her for filing a false statement against you!

 

Okay dude. I know you wanted things to go down peacefully, but the gloves come off today! It was one thing that she was screwing the OM. Now, she's screwing with you and your kids. Don't stand for that.

[linwood]

It will calm down eventually.

It will calm down faster if you hit her as hard as you can.

 

In your situation there`s a damn good chance you`ll get custody and if she wants to see her kids at all she`ll have to play nice but nothing is going to make her civil right now because she`s too pissed off.

 

You have to force her to chill out and get her **** together.

The best way to do that is all out war for the time being.

 

If what you`ve posted here and in your other thread is true she can`t possibly win this war and she`ll chill out just as soon as she realizes it.

 

Right now she`s all bluster and intimidation, a long hard pummeling will get her to see reality again and the tone will cool down.

 

She isn`t ever going to like you but she will have to chill out if she wants to see her kids.

 

Be a merciless bastard, lord knows she deserves it

 

Also, **** this OM up, ruin his career, do whatever you can to trash his marriage, get him arrested.

Destroy him!!

 

It`s in your power to do so and in your situation a controlled strike is too weak.

You need to trigger a thermonuclear meltdown man.

 

The **** these two have done to you man, I wouldn`t stop beating either of them until the blood stopped flowing but that`s just me.

Edited April 27, 2011 by linwood

[UnsureinSeattle]

Sounds like you're doing the right thing (gathering your documentation, being calm, etc.) to me. Stay the course.

 

Oh, and make sure you note every time she has violated the restraining order.

 

Getting her to calm down is not in your power. You can only worry about yourself and your children. Remember, YOU have done nothing wrong, and she is the one making herself look bad.

 

Also- didn't OM's CO say that he would be in REAL trouble if the affair continued? If you have proof that they are still together...

[Chi townD]

I kinda agree with Linwood...to a point. I'm not as colorful.

 

You're wife is used to walking all over you and you just taking it because you don't want to rock the boat. She's used to you just rolling over in defeat..

 

If you go into this with guns blazing she won't know what hit her because you're not supposed to do this! You're supposed to be the subservant cuckold and like it!

 

Do it for YOU and do it for your KIDS! She is the wall that is standing in the way for you to have access to your kids. Time to knock that wall down.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yep... it's a fine art of being firm, but calm without being a jerk. If I can master it so can you.

 

Wife rings you up looking for a brawl on the phone

 

"wife, I'm happy to talk to you in a friendly and civil manner, but until then this conversation is over" Phone down. (Remember firm voice)

 

She will spin up you worse than Sonic the hedgehog, just ignore her spew and the inevitable 10 hate filled text messages. Just be consistent and eventually she will learn that speaking to you in such a manner will not ellicit a response and she might even apologise (shock horror).

 

If she tries it when you see her, it's the same thing but when she starts shouting or raising voice put your hand up in front of you and say the same thing then walk away.

 

Ohh get yourself a new set of clothes also and a new haircut, look good when you see her. (for your own self esteem).

 

Trust the expert here Tomcat!^^^^^

 

Also remember, that she is gonna get even madder at first because she's losing control over you. However she will begin to respect you.

 

True^^^ This is all testing. If she was seriously about the RO, she wouldn't be contacting you. She got pissed and decided to make a show of it. Ignore it aside from the court case. (Not ignore the issuing of it, just don't take it personally is what I mean. Even though it is ridiculously personal. Just see it as a reflection of her being pissed and lashing out).

 

Begin to respect him? After what she's done? And that matters how?

 

Tom if she's violating her "restraining order" I hope you plan on showing the judge she's been in contact with you since she filed.

 

If she doesn't respect him, it will be a constant ****-storm until those kids leave home. Not fair to anyone, mostly the kids.

 

Er , read the OP's original thread.. He needs to calm the situation down. Currently she is Sh*tting all over him. That is why it matters

 

This^^^

 

He needs to stand up for himself and his kids, not for her. She's doing this because she doesn't care. Her her view on what he's doing for himself doesn't matter.

 

He needs to stand up for the family, even if they are divorcing. That means standing up for himself, role-modelling that to his kids and showing his wife self-respect.

 

Yep, all true!! but sadly this POS woman needs to be handled by Tomcat for the next xy number of years. Sooo, he needs to stop her ****ting on him and the only way to do it is get some respect back. If there were no kids involved I'd tell Tom to stick his middle finger up at her. Thats what I did to my crazy XW from my first marriage and it felt good. However, Kids change the whole equation.

 

This ^^^

 

hey believe me i got my balls back. she wants a fight she has one. i was up all night gathering all my evidence and putting it together. ive got the proof of the affair, proof of what i have sent her, i have proof of her threats, her lies, of her permescuity, and a whole lot more. I now have over 300 pages of evidence against her alone and im still not finished getting it all together. So trust me i am preparing for war. she is only doing this because she is P.oed at me for getting OM removed. I am confident the courts will see that as well.

 

But with all that said, yes its true i will have to deal with her for pretty much the rest of my life because of the children. even if i get full custody of our kids i wont keep her from seeing them. this whole sitution has got to calm down and cool off. Im done with the marriage. I dont eant to be with her anymore. not with her acting in this manner. I wont give up hope that one day we will reconcile, but i damn sure will not try anymore to save it and im not the one here who needs to beg and plead or make drastic changes. Thats all her. so basically, i just need to calm things down for the sake of my children

 

Okay, we told you she would be doing these things..the restraining order...all of it! That's why we stressed it is important to document EVERYTHING!!! record everything! She probably got the restraining order for two reasons

 

1. to get revenge on you.

2. to continue her relationship with the OM. If you can't be around how would you ever know.

 

If you have proof that the OM is still in contact with your wife, then go straight to his CO with the proof and you can put a peroid on that! Regardless if you're gonna divorce her or not. She's still married and HE is still married. In the eyes of the military that is wrong and it's not your fault. This guy was given a direct order to stay away and he flagrantly disobeyed it. That's his undoing, not yours.

 

Okay, now is the time to lawyer up! Bring all the proof you have. If there's phone records of her contacting you after the 19th or texts or phone records..she shot herself in the foot! I'm SO glad you didn't go into the house when she invited you in when you picked up the stuff for work...you would have been in the living room and she would have been in the kitchen calling the cops saying that you were in the house. You need a lawyer to exsponge that RO off of your record, or else she can use that to limit visitation with your kids or supervised visitation or even worse, no visitation at all. If the courts side with you and lift the RO, I would seriously talk to the lawyer about going after her for filing a false statement against you!

 

Okay dude. I know you wanted things to go down peacefully, but the gloves come off today! It was one thing that she was screwing the OM. Now, she's screwing with you and your kids. Don't stand for that.

 

Tomcat, although it feels like the **** tornado hit your life, you are doing fine. Pull out all stops but remain calm and friendly when you see her. Not for her, but for you and your kids. No one is saying that you shouldn't be pissed as all Hell.

 

But the path to properly dumping your wife and being healthy and the path to reconciling with your wife and being healthy are actually the same one for a little while.

 

You gather up all your self-respect and stick to that 180 like white on rice.

 

Good for you for listening to the advice regarding the lawyer etc. You are doing fine even if it doesn't feel like it.

[tomcatf14g]

believe me i want to get an attorney but i simply cannot afford even a cheap one. i have called. but i am getting good advice from a few people i know who have been thru this. but if icould i would get an attorney. But i have been documenting everuthing and i have proof of her leading me on up until 2 weeks ago, i have proof of her contacting me since she filed this thing and i will show that proof as well. Ill be ok. Im going to stay calm and take the high road. overreacting to her and her actions will only make things worse for me and the kids. as for the OM i dont give a flying f*ck anymore. he can have her. shes not worth my time or energy anymore. after this i will be asking for full custody of the children and ask for her to have only supervised visitaion until she has a psychological evaluation. I cant wait for the first court day for our divorce. she wants to play hard ball fine. go for it. she will be acting out of malice, spite, and anger where as i will be acting out of love for me and my children. she will over react and explode while i stay calm and rational. she is digging her own grave. i dont even need to help her get there. she will do it on her own. and hey maybe when she hits rock bottom she will wake up and realize she created this whole mess in the 1st place and it was way more trouble then it was worth and she will try to get herself right.

Maybe i might be willing then and only then to reconcile. but that really doesnt concern me anymore and i only care about me and the kids and thats where i am going to focus on it.

[John Michael Kane]

Yep, all true!! but sadly this POS woman needs to be handled by Tomcat for the next xy number of years. Sooo, he needs to stop her ****ting on him and the only way to do it is get some respect back. If there were no kids involved I'd tell Tom to stick his middle finger up at her. Thats what I did to my crazy XW from my first marriage and it felt good. However, Kids change the whole equation.

 

F*ck what she think. Only way to put a stop to this is to divorce her and clean her out.

[John Michael Kane]

If she doesn't respect him, it will be a constant ****-storm until those kids leave home. Not fair to anyone, mostly the kids.

 

It doesn't matter if she ends up "respecting him" in some twisted way. As if that's going to change anything.

[Memphis Raines]

ok not sure why my thread was deleted off the forum .

 

probably for some stupid reason, an OW/OM, or MM/MW complained about your thread.

 

Why else would it get removed.

[2long]

believe me i want to get an attorney but i simply cannot afford even a cheap one. i have called. but i am getting good advice from a few people i know who have been thru this. but if icould i would get an attorney. But i have been documenting everuthing and i have proof of her leading me on up until 2 weeks ago, i have proof of her contacting me since she filed this thing and i will show that proof as well. Ill be ok. Im going to stay calm and take the high road. overreacting to her and her actions will only make things worse for me and the kids. as for the OM i dont give a flying f*ck anymore. he can have her. shes not worth my time or energy anymore. after this i will be asking for full custody of the children and ask for her to have only supervised visitaion until she has a psychological evaluation. I cant wait for the first court day for our divorce. she wants to play hard ball fine. go for it. she will be acting out of malice, spite, and anger where as i will be acting out of love for me and my children. she will over react and explode while i stay calm and rational. she is digging her own grave. i dont even need to help her get there. she will do it on her own. and hey maybe when she hits rock bottom she will wake up and realize she created this whole mess in the 1st place and it was way more trouble then it was worth and she will try to get herself right.

Maybe i might be willing then and only then to reconcile. but that really doesnt concern me anymore and i only care about me and the kids and thats where i am going to focus on it.

 

You need an attorney!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

just in case I didn't put enough exclamation marks in there... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

After 3 years of putting up with my W's continued contact with Rat Meat, in 2005, I made an appointment for a consultation with a mediator. Best $350 I ever spent. She tried 2 get me 2 cancel the appointment, right up until a 2ple hours before, but we ended up meeting it anyway.

 

We'd been married 30 years by that time and had accumulated a lot of *****, including 3 houses and some farmland a couple states away. We have 2 kids, but they're both adults now, so custody wasn't an issue. Our mediator explained the options we had like this:

 

1) we could mediate the divorce, requiring we both sit down and work with the lawyer 2gether 2 come up with an amicable split of our ***** and our retirement and inheritance accounts. We could even continue living in the same house 2gether for the 6 months it 2k for the divorce 2 be final (in CA). This would likely cost us $5,000, based on aforementioned ***** and time 2gether.

 

2) we could each hire lawyers and go 2 bat with one another for as much of the ***** we could keep after paying the laywers upwards of $50,000, again based on aforementioned ***** and time 2gether.

 

Which option would you choose. If you DON'T hire a lawyer at all, you run the very real risk of losing everything, most importantly custody of your kids (they're with her, in the house, and the courts could try 2 keep that arrangement as the best option. They usually do). And because your kids are under aged, you may be paying her child support until the youngest 2rns 18.

 

I have a friend from another forum who's been on here before and is an ex-cop who now advocates for men's rights and abused spouses. I'll see if he'll come here and check out your sitch and offer some suggestions.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

probably for some stupid reason, an OW/OM, or MM/MW complained about your thread.

 

Why else would it get removed.

 

He should still PM Tony himself and get the straight answer. I wouldn't be surprised if Tony has PM'd Tom, in fact, about this. Tom, look under your username at the upper right of this window. See if it says anything after "Private Messages" under your name.

 

I had a post removed a couple times, but not recently. In each case, Tony emailed me the reason for the edit and attached a copy of the post. He might be willing 2 email the thread 2 you, if you want it.

 

-ol' 2long

[dreamingoftigers]

It doesn't matter if she ends up "respecting him" in some twisted way. As if that's going to change anything.

 

If she respected him the whole dynamic of this thing would be altered.

 

The only reason she is doing this **** is because she thinks she can get away with it. Most people don't try twice when they realize that they can't.

[John Michael Kane]

If she respected him the whole dynamic of this thing would be altered.

 

If she respected herself this thing would've never happened.

 

The only reason she is doing this **** is because she thinks she can get away with it. Most people don't try twice when they realize that they can't.

 

She's doing it because she doesn't care, and it is now Tom's job to not put up with it.

[tomcatf14g]

ok there is a lawyer in my church who attends one of the support groups im in. anyways he has offered his services to me for free of charge. i have a meeting with him tomorrow ao we can go thru what we are going to do about this RO. then we will work on the divorce and take whatever actions we need to. Thank god for bringing us together cause now i know i will be ok after all of this.

[dreamingoftigers]

If she respected herself this thing would've never happened.

 

Agreed.

 

She's doing it because she doesn't care, and it is now Tom's job to not put up with it.

 

I can't read minds, but I will say that clearly one's reach goes as far as they can extend it.

 

Tom respects himself by not putting up with her crap = she will end up respecting him for it.

 

Whether she cares about him, likes him, thinks he smells nice or not, if he doesn't take her crap, she will respect him and then the dynamic will change.