dealing with my wifes affair

[KikiW]

TOM.

 

WTH, MAN. Stop thinking like "I don't want to take my kids away from my wife." WTH IS BLINDING YOU AT THIS POINT? She is putting YOUR CHILDREN in a bad situation.

 

It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT THEM, SO GET OFF YOUR @$$ AND DO IT.

 

Gather the evidence, pictures, videos, eyewitnesses. Call CPS, or have someone else call for you if that was advice of attorney. But you GET THOSE BABIES OUT OF THERE FOR HEAVENS SAKE.

 

If your wife ever decides to take her head out of her nethers, MAYBE you can talk about custody arrangements, but right now they need you to save them from this.

 

Don't be my father. He didn't save me when I really needed him. And I still resent him to this day. He could have been my hero and he let me down. Don't be a spineless wimp to those kids of yours. Be their hero!

[UnsureinSeattle]

No disrespect, but you can't wait for anyone to show you what to do. At the very, very least, call CPS. The kids need your help. They don't deserve what she's doing to them.

[tomcatf14g]

ok first thing i just found out about all of this on fri. I have already placed the damn call bcause i care about my kids. So back off. You really think i would stand for that kind of treatment of my kids then ou guys have me all kinds of wrong. CPS is going to be doing a suprise visit and look at the situation of the house. I am waiting on them to see what i can do next. I am also filling for full custody of my children and have court on fri for it. I do already have picture and proof. I have also hired a gurdian lawyer for my children to seek out the best possible living situation for them. Im also getting ready to move out of my dads place and back into a place of my own. Im going to be renting a 3 bedroom house near here so my kids will have a safe p[lace to live. so for all of you who are assuming $hit stop. Im taking care of it and im not holding back.

and yes i do still wanna save my marriage. excuse me for that. hey its my life and my choice. My wife is sick. she is mentally unstable. if she can get help for it then we can save this. but i wont let my kids be victims to her bad choices while she tries to figure out her life. so excuse me for venting a little and explaining what i hads seen. And no i wont keep her from the kids but she will have to be supervised until she gets some damn help. so if everyone is going to keep assuming the worst and getting on my case before knowing everything i will simply write you all off. Cause ur not living this i am and u dont whats going on either. how dare any of you think i wouldnt be looking out for my kids. now im pissed.

[dale_gribble]

Hey tomcat, I really feel for you bro, but do you still want to be with her after all the BS she is putting you through? Don't take this the wrong way, but you seem to be in a fog yourself. I'm at wits end with my WW, and there is no way that reconciliation is going to happen. She begs and pleads with not to leave her, but I'm all but checked-out. If she has the gall to leave your children in those conditiond for a piece of c!@k, you need to reevaluate you priorities, my friend.

[2long]

Tom:

 

You have a his2ry on here of taking far 2 much of your W's abuse. That's where people were coming from.

 

I think the responses 2 this latest news came from posters' personal experiences that may be similar. I know mine was.

 

Sorry you're upset. And FWIW, I applaud you for calling CPS and protecting your kids. You can certainly also continue 2 fight for your marriage while taking these steps. Because it's always been true that your W is far more likely 2 respect you in the long run if you take a firm stand for your kids and your family, like you're doing now.

 

best,

-ol' 2long

[Chi townD]

ok i have to get this out because its killing me to keep it all in. last night when i got the kids what i didnt tell was that the house was trashed. that it reaked of urine and there was trash every where. there was hardly any food i the house and the kids rooms where so bad u coudnt even see the floor. I also discovered that during the week my wife will disappear for days on end to be with one of these guys she is seeing and leaves the kids with 2 16 yr olds that live there adn that they watch my children by locking them in their rooms. I cant take this anymore. i have seeked advice from members of my mens group, family, and my lawyer. they all feel that its time to bring in child proctive services. they all feel that my wife has become mentally unstable and extremely self destructive. they all agree that it cant be me that is the one to report her either and that the only way to force her to get the help she so desperatly needs is to take this course of action. I dont want to take my children from my wife. i dont want to cause further destruction in my family but i feel i can no longer stand aside and watch my kids be put in this kind of danger. Ive prayed about this and i feel that God also wills this to happen. for once everyone i know is in aggreament with something concerning my family. It pains me dearly to sit and watch my wife do this to herself. to see what this has been doing to my children. to have to make such a major descion. Ive asked God if this is his will to give me strength so i can go thru with it. If he has other plans to bring my wife and i back together ive asked him to snap her out of this path of destruction before i get the ball moving. cause once CPS is involved there will be no turning back. Im confused, hurt and deeply bothered by what i must do in order to protect my children. I hope that this will become the wake up call that my wife so desperatly needs.

 

 

Where in thee hell did you post that you contacted CPS, or got photo's, OR that your lawyer is taking action OR that you have a court date for emergency custody of the kids, OR that your in the process of rent a three bedroom house?

 

Your post was vague so of course people are gonna assume the worst! When people read about the possibility of kids being abused or neglected, of course they're gonna be...passionate. The majority of what I read is that you're praying to God that your WW snaps out of this....great, pray all you want AFTER the kids are safe. Maybe....just maybe this is the wake up call she needs....lost you, lost the OM and now lost the kids...if that isn't rock bottom then I don't know what is.

[Chi townD]

All the other posters (myself included) just have a deep concern for your kids, which you can't fault. Not bad from a bunch of strangers. YOU are the ONLY stable and constant in their life right now. You know it, and we know it. You've come sooo far in such a short time and believe it or not. People are still pulling for you.

[tomcatf14g]

I have posted before in my thread that was deleted that i did have pics to prove she was being an unfit mother. i have kept those in case i needed them. when the OM was living there though she was keeping the house clean and providing for the kids. now that he is gone she way worse than before. Also i had only found out about all of this on fri when i grabbed the kids. first thing Mon and today i got **** taken care of. I hired a GAL attorney yesterday. Its an attorney for guardianship of the kids. they interview the children, both parents and inspect the living conditons of the homes then they make recomendations to the courts. I filed for an emergancy custody hearing to gain custody of my children due to my wifes actions and in action, have court at 9 am in the morning on fri. I have printed out my pics and attached them to the filing of vcourt papers as eveidence. I have declerations made from several witness on my behalf and i am very confident that i will win this. CPS plans to do a suprise visit sometime this week but i hope to gain custody before then.

 

Now with all that said though, my wife has been showing signs she may finally be coming out of the fog. She has been on numerous occasions now refering to herself as my wife and i as her husband instead of STBX or her ex. She didnt want me to leave fri when i showed up and grabbed the children, and even let me take her to get something to eat. Her words stil for the most part said no going to happen but her actions where totatally diffrent. its still way to soon to tell and im not going to jump the gun. But if she does come out of this i will work to save my marriage. I will also make sure certain boundries are set in place and that she will have to get counseling.

we are about to lose the house now and she is in capable of paying for it. I havent paid a dime since being forced out of my home. Unless we can resolve issues soon i plan to ask the courts to allow me to do a short sell and get from out of it so i dont have to deal with it. then she will have to find her own place. so i dont know.

 

What i do know is that my children mean the world to me and i am doing everything i can to get them into a more stable situation. if my wife continues this behavior my children dont need to be exposed to it

[2.50 a gallon]

Way to go

 

Huzzah!

[KikiW]

I am VERY glad to hear you're on the case with all this. Sorry if it seemed like we were all attacking you, but as Chi said, none of us saw anything about you taking action... the message was "I am horribly upset by this but I love my wife and don't want to take the kids away from her". That gets MANY of us VERY upset. Children sometimes get put on the backburner while the adults muddle around in drama, and it's very hurtful to them. We all wanted to make sure those kids' needs got put WAY AHEAD of whatever your wife was up to. I know you want to save your marriage, but I am personally disgusted by anyone who would allow their children to be put in that situation, and since she is the primary caregiver, that is on HER. My fingers are double crossed for you that you are awarded custody immediately so that they are not put through that again.

 

Yeah, you can excuse her as sick, but has she always been "mentally unstable"? Has she needed medication? Does she see a therapist? If she is certifiably ill, then I can certainly understand lapse in judgment, but then those around her (friends, other family members) need to step up to the plate to get her help (since obviously she won't let YOU do it). If she is not certifiable... then she has no excuse whatsoever and you deserve to have the children permanently, end of story.

[tomcatf14g]

for the last few weeks my wife has been intiating contact with me by either trying to get me to come out there or while we are in court talking and joking with me or standing very close to me all the while constantly looking at me, or today first thing in the morning she called me to tell me something about one of our cats. she tells everyone she would rather jump off a cliff then come back to me but her actions are saying something totally diffrent. im not sure what to think about all of this and its kinda of throwing me for a loop.

 

Im holding my ground and keeping as little contact with her as possible. but it seems to me that though her words to me and to others say one thing her actions and body language say something completely diffrent. should i try again to look for an avenue of reconcilation or just keep doing what i have been doing. I dont know. everytime i get to a place of peace and i am feeling better she seems to call me out of the blue and it reopens everything up in me. I dont show it nor do i tell her. when she calls i keep the convo as short as possible but then i spend the next 2 days trying to make sense of it all and going thru a rollercoaster of emotions. I stay strong and do my best not to show it but inside i am still in alot of turmoil. Honestly i wish for now she would stop. not call me at all. not send me messages thru mutal friends or parents and just leave me alone until she figures out what the hell she is going to do.

 

but at the sme time i still want her back. i still dont want a divorce and it does appear that even though she is moving forward with the divorce she keeps cracking the door open. She still misses the OM and i see no indication other than her actions that shows she is missing me at all. So i dont know what i should do. I dont wanna slam the door shut but i dont wanna be a doormat either. I want her back but i dont want to have to keep going thru this rollercoaster. what do you guys think.

[Owl]

My thought is that she's holding onto the same hope that most wayward spouses do...that they can somehow come out of their affair and divorce with their ex-spouse remaining their "good friend".

 

It's an emotional defense mechanism that allows them to feel like what they did "wasn't that bad...see, we're still friends".

 

My recommendation would be to set clear boundaries, and clear expectations...and enforce those boundaries when crossed.

 

If you're willing to be her friend...no action required.

 

If you'll only accept her in your life as your wife, you need to set that expectation and enforce that boundary with her.

 

That's my thought at least.

[tomcatf14g]

Ok so my wife contacted me again. This time thru my dad. She has invited me to a family night function offered thru the school tomorrow night as well as a school function on Sunday night. I said is love to go. And I very truly want to. It's the first time since this all started that she has made an offer like that. I really want to go but I'm not sure if I should. There's the no contact order plus the fact we are going thru a divorce. That I don't want but she still claims she does. At the same time this is a chance for us to be a family again for a short time as well as a possible step towards reconciliation. So what should I do. Any thoughts would be helpful

[seibert253]

My thought is that she's holding onto the same hope that most wayward spouses do...that they can somehow come out of their affair and divorce with their ex-spouse remaining their "good friend".

 

It's an emotional defense mechanism that allows them to feel like what they did "wasn't that bad...see, we're still friends".

 

My recommendation would be to set clear boundaries, and clear expectations...and enforce those boundaries when crossed.

 

If you're willing to be her friend...no action required.

 

If you'll only accept her in your life as your wife, you need to set that expectation and enforce that boundary with her.

 

 

That's my thought at least.

 

Owl is wise.

Have to agree 100% with this assessment.

Being "friends" helps her deal with her guilt. Nothing more.

[RobD70]

Ok so my wife contacted me again. This time thru my dad. She has invited me to a family night function offered thru the school tomorrow night as well as a school function on Sunday night. I said is love to go. And I very truly want to. It's the first time since this all started that she has made an offer like that. I really want to go but I'm not sure if I should. There's the no contact order plus the fact we are going thru a divorce. That I don't want but she still claims she does. At the same time this is a chance for us to be a family again for a short time as well as a possible step towards reconciliation. So what should I do. Any thoughts would be helpful

No, don't go.

 

If there's a snowball's chance in hell of a R, it will be from her VERBALLY begging you back. Don't assume anything by her actions even if you may be right, she has to swallow her pride and make it loud and clear that she wants you IF it ever comes to that.

 

Until then you stay NC, you legally have to anyway.

[Owl]

Here's another thought, TC.

 

I hope you're documenting all of these contact attempts by her. Journaling is a great thing...and you really should be writing down the date/time/content of all of these texts/etc... from her.

 

At some point, you may have to bring it up in court. While the content may not be fully admissable in court...bringing and demonstrating the journal can get you a lot of credibility for being organized, and work in your favor.

[Mimolicious]

I have posted before in my thread that was deleted that i did have pics to prove she was being an unfit mother. i have kept those in case i needed them. when the OM was living there though she was keeping the house clean and providing for the kids. now that he is gone she way worse than before. Also i had only found out about all of this on fri when i grabbed the kids. first thing Mon and today i got **** taken care of. I hired a GAL attorney yesterday. Its an attorney for guardianship of the kids. they interview the children, both parents and inspect the living conditons of the homes then they make recomendations to the courts. I filed for an emergancy custody hearing to gain custody of my children due to my wifes actions and in action, have court at 9 am in the morning on fri. I have printed out my pics and attached them to the filing of vcourt papers as eveidence. I have declerations made from several witness on my behalf and i am very confident that i will win this. CPS plans to do a suprise visit sometime this week but i hope to gain custody before then.

 

Now with all that said though, my wife has been showing signs she may finally be coming out of the fog. She has been on numerous occasions now refering to herself as my wife and i as her husband instead of STBX or her ex. She didnt want me to leave fri when i showed up and grabbed the children, and even let me take her to get something to eat. Her words stil for the most part said no going to happen but her actions where totatally diffrent. its still way to soon to tell and im not going to jump the gun. But if she does come out of this i will work to save my marriage. I will also make sure certain boundries are set in place and that she will have to get counseling.

we are about to lose the house now and she is in capable of paying for it. I havent paid a dime since being forced out of my home. Unless we can resolve issues soon i plan to ask the courts to allow me to do a short sell and get from out of it so i dont have to deal with it. then she will have to find her own place. so i dont know.

 

What i do know is that my children mean the world to me and i am doing everything i can to get them into a more stable situation. if my wife continues this behavior my children dont need to be exposed to it

 

 

I am sorry, I didn't have a chance to read through all of this but I saw this and it made me SMH... (the bolded) You honestly thought that was the best solution? WHOA! You just left your children without a property, on top of everything else. I hope you understand how high is the volume of homes in your situation and you may not even be able to sell with a shortsale. On top of that, you just messed up your credit big time! How would you be able to offer a better lifestyle for your children now?

 

It baffles me when adults let these kind of situations get the best of them. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Anger takes over and it's all down hill... I am not trying to judge you at all. Trust me, I have probably been through worst than you with a $7,000 mortgage and down to one income. You stopped paying the house because she kicked you out? Did your children still live there? Then why weren't you paying for their roof? I know that you were cheated on and stuff but that was not your children's fault. Makes me sad...

[Chi townD]

I know as much as you want to go. There is a NO CONTACT order set in place from the courts! You do not want to violate that order. As another poster said. She may be setting you up. As much as you don't want to believe it, this may be the facts. Let just look at it. You ended her relationship with OM. She know you have divorce papers on stand-by. You've made the OM move out, putting a financial strain on her. She may have a lot of resentment towards you. You know the saying, hell hath no fury? Don't put anything past her.

 

By the way, you never updated on if CPS ever showed up to do a walk through, or about the emergency custody hearing or the three bedroom rental. What's up?

[Mimolicious]

Ok, I went back and read your posts... WHOA! You sound like one of my relatives. Someone in my family went though this (and yes he continued to pay for his mortgage:p).

 

First- I think several others have mentioned this. YOU do understand that any type of communication between you and your W (regardless of who iniciates and who delivers the message) it is an automatic trespass of the RO. IF you didn't now you do!

 

Second- I am not sure which state you live in but I will tell you that the law is pretty much uniformed and slightly varies from one state to the next BUT (and this is a f'ed up BUT) it is very very very hard to get full custody granted, especially from a mother. You need to have SOLID proof that she is unfit and that the life of your child is in danger PLUS be able to demostrate that you can offer them a better home. They can be put through the system before a judge actually grants you full custody, IF they do. They can give your wife what is basically considered "3 strikes". It's complicated and even if CS gets involved, from the supervision to removal is a long process, unless your children are in extreme danger.

Sad but that's the way more or less the system works.

 

I'd tell you this much... All these court orders and drama, is not making neither one of you look pretty in front of a family court. Be careful and honestly have NC at all with your W.

Edited June 3, 2011 by Mimolicious

[tomcatf14g]

ok first off i just wanna make it clear we dont own the house we lived in. its a rental that we were trying to buy. second i do take care of my children. I pay for everything i can. i buy them clothes every week, food, toys and anything else they need. do i give money to my wife no. my lawyer has advised me not to pay her anything until so ordered in court or else i may get screwed and required to keep paying it. As for Cps i dont know if they ever got called. I was told again by my lawyer it would not be in the best intrest for me to do it. but things have changed in the last 2 weeks. my wife is not disapperaing anymore during the week, the house is cleaned and thanks to me and her there is food in the house again. also like i have stated for the last month my wife keeps trying to make contact with me one way or another. she even wants me to come to family night tonight and go to a school function with her and the kids on sun. Which is also her birthday. im undecided if im going to go yet or not and i personally have said nothing to her. I really want to go but Im staying cautious and i wont jump into the descison. I still think she is wanting me back but its to soon for it. she is not rerady yet and is only throwing me little bits here and there. i dont wanna slam the door shut but i dont want to be put into a bad situation either. so im trying to think this thru. during the last few weeks things have greatly calmed down. my wife is viaing for my attention now and im still not giving it to her yet. I need to see more but i am hopeful. Through out all of this i have always said i want reconcilation and im not going to back off that. but im now back to being me and emotonally back under control. Im strong and confident again and my life is finally coming back together. Soonj i will be back in my own place. i have steady work again, though im still looking for a better job, and i have a great many new friends and good support. I will not give up on my marriage but i wont be a doormat or be used either.

[UnsureinSeattle]

You'll be violating your court order if you do. The one that she made necessary, y'know? I would strongly advise against, and make sure your detailing all of the times she gets ahold of you or tries to thru your pop or whomever. You never know...

[tomcatf14g]

you know all i wanted to do this weekend was spend time with my children and have them do some special things for my wife for her birthday. but now everyone is pissed and there is nothing i can do about it. my dad didnt get the kids tonight because mom is not feeling well. he told my wife he would get them tomorrow but now she is all pissed because her scheudle and she has to be the bad guy now and tell the kids that cant come here. my dads pissed because i wont violate the no contact order to go get them in the morning to please my wife. My hands are tied. if this no contact order wasnt in place i would have got them myself much earlier. as for the bad guy, i say this with a lot of love but my wife is the bad guy here. she is the cause of this whole situation. everyone is trying to kiss her ass to keep her happy and let her go do whatever it is she id doing now. well im sorry. not my problem anymore. this shouldnt be going on anyways. I should be home right now with my wife and my children. i should have been able to go to the family night for my daughter. but because my wife has gone off the deep end i cant. because she got a restraing order put on me i cant go get the kids. and u know what i have a life too. i have things i need to do. but you know what im angry about all this but im not going to overreact and im not going to go off on anyone. my wife made these choices and now she has to deal with the consequences.

 

Man i really do hate this whole mess. I wish my wife would stop all of this foolishness and try and work this out with me. Lets do the right thing for a change and save our marriage. save our family. thats the best solution for all of this. the kids wont have to go thru the bs of bouncing around 2 parents, the bills on the house will get paid, they wont have to worry about if a roof is going to be over their head anymore, and given some time and effort i know my wife and i can work thru our issues and fall in love again. we can be a great family for once. But non of that can happen unless my wife chooses to do it. Im ready, willing, and waiting for that day to come. Unlike her i put our family first, before myself and and any selfish desires. My wife only cares about herself and her freedom, and her independence. she only cares about her own happiness and to hell with everyone else. I wonder is her life truly that mmuch more fulkfilled with out me in it. Im a little upset right now but im ok. im frustrated by all of this. people search their whole lives for somebody who can love them the way i love my wife. and here my wife has a man willing to do anything for her. ready to love her now and forever no matter what, unconditonally, who is will and ready to encourage her and who wants nothing more than to share his life with her and raise our family together and she does what. she rejects me. and yet even though she rejects me i still love her, im still willing to do anything for her, i still deeply care for her, and i still want nothing more but reconciliation. where as she wants a divorce.

 

I have grown and changed so much in the last few months i dont even recognize the man staring bak at me in the mirror. and it pleases me greatly because now i love the image looking back at me. Im healed whole and complete. Im a good man and Im a good person. i have so much to offer and so much to give. Im a great catch for any girl that wants me. which there seems to be a few of those. but non of them or what i want or what i need. I want my wife, i need my wife, my family, my home and my children. Why is it i can see all this but my wife cant. Why cant she see that our marriage is more important then freedom, why cant she see our family is more important then selfish desires, and why cant she see the love that i have for her. Why cant she see how truly deeply i love her and that i would do anything for her and her happiness.

 

I will keep doing the only thing i can do and that is stand for my marriage, To pray and pray hard, to keep up hope and to place all of my trust and faith in the hands of the one being who can change all of this. Thats God. I believe in God with all my heart and he is my first love. Its thru him that my marriage can be healed and restored. It because of him i can still love my wife after all she has done. Its because of him that i have become the man i am today, it God who allowed me to be able to forgive my wife, and its God who has gotten me thru this and rebuilt my mind and my spirit. I hope and pray he does the same for my wife. I hope and pray for my wife to come back to me. Man i love her so much that words could never fully explain or comprhend. I pray this all comes to an end soon and that i am able to finally go home and be with my wife and children.

[OldOnTheInside]

i say this with a lot of love but my wife is the bad guy here.

 

I'm glad that you finally realise this. Don't apply rationality with irrational people. You'll hurt your head.

 

I wish my wife would stop all of this foolishness and try and work this out with me.

 

I wouldn't get your hopes up. It could take years before she gets her life under control...if ever.

 

Stay sane tc. Good luck.

[RobD70]

Why cant she see how truly deeply i love her and that i would do anything for her and her happiness.

Because she doesn't care about how you feel about her, only how she feels about you. Your feelings are irrelevant to her, she probably thinks there's a million other guys out there that would kiss her ass too. People don't tend to value things that are easy to come by.

 

Women don't like guys treating them like queens, it's boring and makes them look down on you. You'd be better off if she thought you no longer cared about her. That would have motivated her to win your affection back.

[John Michael Kane]

Dude if you don't start moving on from this woman, you'll never get out of this.