dealing with my wifes affair

[KikiW]

I'm afraid to ask... what's the status?

[tomcatf14g]

Well in a nut shell my wife and I are still living together for now but after the last few weeks we are simply roomates. Our divorce is almost final she is engaged to tje OM and 3 days ago I met someone new and things seem to be moving In a wonderful direction there. I'm keeping custody of my children but my wife will have them every other weekend after she finally moves out of my house. We agreed to have the parenting plan reviewed in 6 months to increase her visitation if her life becomes more stable.

 

I have been seeing another woman for the last 3 or 4 days now. Nothing serious yet cause I want my divorce to be final first but she is an amazong woman and has so many better traits then my wife. She has no problem with me havong kids and even respects the fact that i dont want her to meet them till I know where this OS going. I refuse to put my children theu what my side did to them.

 

This last few weeks have really opened my eyes and I see my side for who she truly is. She is still at times trying to sleep with me or butter me up but I reject her Everytime. She hates that I'm seeing someone else and frankly I don't care. She is still divorcing me and is even engaged to the OM. I hope they are happy together but I know they are doomed to fail. For a brief second I thought about reporting him again but decided its just not worth it. I'm done and want out of the marriage. It would take a miracile in my side to get me to even consider changing my mind at this point. The Tuesday after next we have court to sign the final papers and all I can say is thats just a week to long in my book.

[2long]

Tom:

 

I think you're moving a bit 2 fast here. Never mind what your wife is doing (engaged 2 the OM before the DV is final? And still trying 2 have sex with you?? Who does that??), you don't want 2 be even remotely like her.

 

Take it slow.

 

-ol' 2long

[road]

you are not divorced and should not be dating.

 

it shows that you still have bad judgement.

 

it shows that your new love interest is not a good choice because she is willing to date a married man that is still living with his wife.

 

why are you willing to jump from the frying pan into the fire?

[Guitarjeff]

I am reminded of the old song "I'm your Puppet" Come on Tom, I hope you have finally seen the light. Al this time you have been cloaking your weakness clothes of strength, but you have been revealing what's really going on because every other sentence is "I want to try again, I still love my wife" an crap like that.

 

It couldn't be more obvious that your main goal is to WIN her back and make her WANT you, yet you don't seem to realize that it would be a living hell to live with visions of what she has done, it RARELY works for anyone with any self confidence in themselves. You see, you either feel you deserve someone who has never cheated on you and won't, or you don't.

 

The only reason you have shown any strength was to try and use that to get her back, in other words, to allow your fear of being alone to control you. That's not the purpose of the strength you are supposed to be showing. The purpose of the strength should be to show that you CAN MOVE ON and realize you deserve someone who has never and will never cheat n you.

 

What I am saying here Tom, is that you are and have been making more pain for yourself than was even close to necessary. Think abouty that statement. Weakness WILL CAUSE YOU FAR MORE PAIN THAN real strength will. Real strength in this is NOT YOU DOING EVERYTHING TO TRY TO GET BACK WITH SOMEONE WHO CHEATED ON YOU. You have been using strength as a tool of your weakness, and that's not real strength my friend.

 

You have to decide that YOU REALLY WOULDN'T TAKE HER BACK AT ALL BECAUSE YOU DESERVE BETTER, NO MATTER IF SHE CHANGES HER MIND OR NOT, Got It? That would be real strength. You have been doing stuff like filing for divorce just to try and shock her back to you, because why? because you are too weak to NOT WANT HER, SEE? You file for divorce because, uh, YOU REALLY WANT A DIVORCE, REALLY!!! Any other reason is just playing games and allowing your weakness to control you.

 

We'll know you have really done something when you come back and say, "I wouldn't take her back if she came to me begging on her knees and saying she had changed, because I deserve a good woman and I should be able to say my wife has never, nor would she ever, cheat on me".

 

Tom, when you do that, you will finally be at the start of the pain ending. You can mess around for years letting these cheaters play you and cause you pain, but when you make a decision that you are really done, you are headed off in your new life and well on your way in just six months. Divorce is far less painful than trying to make a cheating marriage work, FAR LESS, Even less than HALF THE PAIN. ime to grow a set and finally move on, yep, even if she changed her mind, you should be done with her, because you deserve better, it's that simple. You have been her door mat, and that has continued all the way, even after filing divorce cause you only meant it as a tool to be used by your weakness. Good luck, hope you see that all this extra pain was so unneeded

 

 

Well in a nut shell my wife and I are still living together for now but after the last few weeks we are simply roomates. Our divorce is almost final she is engaged to tje OM and 3 days ago I met someone new and things seem to be moving In a wonderful direction there. I'm keeping custody of my children but my wife will have them every other weekend after she finally moves out of my house. We agreed to have the parenting plan reviewed in 6 months to increase her visitation if her life becomes more stable.

 

I have been seeing another woman for the last 3 or 4 days now. Nothing serious yet cause I want my divorce to be final first but she is an amazong woman and has so many better traits then my wife. She has no problem with me havong kids and even respects the fact that i dont want her to meet them till I know where this OS going. I refuse to put my children theu what my side did to them.

 

This last few weeks have really opened my eyes and I see my side for who she truly is. She is still at times trying to sleep with me or butter me up but I reject her Everytime. She hates that I'm seeing someone else and frankly I don't care. She is still divorcing me and is even engaged to the OM. I hope they are happy together but I know they are doomed to fail. For a brief second I thought about reporting him again but decided its just not worth it. I'm done and want out of the marriage. It would take a miracile in my side to get me to even consider changing my mind at this point. The Tuesday after next we have court to sign the final papers and all I can say is thats just a week to long in my book.

[tomcatf14g]

So we were supposed to be divorced today but my wife never showed up. The judge denied my motion for a default divorce because my wife hasn't shown proof of parenting classes. There's no order for child support even though I explsined to the judge I wasn't seeking any. So for atleast a few more weeks I am still married. Atleast my wife finally moved out of my house. I got almost everything. She left with a car and clothes and not much else. Works for me. I hate that she doesn't call the kids. I hate she contacts me almost daily for stupid styff then gets mad at me cause I don't wanna tlk to her. I'm just done. I feel lonely and depressed at times but is rather feel that then deal with my wife and her mind games. The last real tlk we had I told her she is either my wife or shes not. There is no in between. Make a choice. Thought she made it when she went back to him. So tell me why she still says there may be an ud again. Not if i have anything to say about it. Oh wait I do. How about hell no.

 

As far as I'm concerned I'm single and I am going to enjoy it. I started doing things again I havent done in yrs. I'm playing guitar again. Camping, horseback riding, four wheeling, I even went sky diving again for my bday this weekend. All without her. I don't think I'm ready for another relationship right now. Id like one but I need to explire who I am alone again for awhile. Rebuild what I lost being married to a whore. I'm still occasionally speaking to the woman I mentioned in my previous post but we hwve yet to meet and im clear that I need some time. Besides thanks to my side im still technically married. let me finish this before I even consider someone else.

 

Idk what my future holds. Frankly right now I don't care. As long as I have my kids a good job and a roof over my head and gods hand over my heart I'm going to be alright. Maybe my wife is right and we will be together again someday. And that's a big uf. but it aint happening anytime soon. Hopefully never at this point. I'm just done. I do still deeply love her but now I also just putty her and in someways just grown to hate her. Trying to work on the hate part but right now it feels good. This is her mess. Her fault . Not mine. 7 months I tried only to have it all spit back in my face. Not anymore.

I'm reschueding the divorce hearing tomorrow. Along with another motion for a de***t divorce in case she donf show again. I want this over and done with. Wish me luck.

[tomcatf14g]

So here we go again for round two. Have court Tuesday. Stbx says she will be there. Hope so. I just want this over with. She just left my house after getting the kids and despite my attempt not to we argued again. We have become very bitter to eachother. I swear she does everything she can to press my buttons. God i wish i didnt have to ever see her again.

 

But the sad truth is after she left I just wanted her to come back. Why after all of this fo i still have those feelings. Why do I still love her despite the fact I hate her now. I think I just feel lonely. But I'm sure that will pass. My problem is I'm a family man its all I want to be. I cant be that anymore. Not right now anyways. This big house feels empty when I'm here alobe. I hate that my kids have deal with this. It's not their fault but they are the ones who have to suffer thru it. Idk. I'm trying to do the best I can. But I can't help thinking there's more i could do. My marriage is over. but not my life. I have a fresh oppurtunity here to start over and do things better. Just wish I knew how. I'm scared to start dating again. Idk if i even have it left in me to meet someone new. If im really able to invest the time and energy into a new person. I'm a great guy and an awesome father. but i could be better. My future is uncertain but I know ill be ok someday the question is when

[Mimolicious]

you are not divorced and should not be dating.

 

But his W is engaged to her OM... OK! RIDICULOUS! LOL!

 

it shows that you still have bad judgement.

 

it shows that your new love interest is not a good choice because she is willing to date a married man that is still living with his wife.

 

Do you have anything to say to his OM's FIANCE OF A WIFE?

 

why are you willing to jump from the frying pan into the fire?

 

ten characters needed

[Mimolicious]

So here we go again for round two. Have court Tuesday. Stbx says she will be there. Hope so. I just want this over with. She just left my house after getting the kids and despite my attempt not to we argued again. We have become very bitter to eachother. I swear she does everything she can to press my buttons. God i wish i didnt have to ever see her again.

 

But the sad truth is after she left I just wanted her to come back. Why after all of this fo i still have those feelings. Why do I still love her despite the fact I hate her now. I think I just feel lonely. But I'm sure that will pass. My problem is I'm a family man its all I want to be. I cant be that anymore. Not right now anyways. This big house feels empty when I'm here alobe. I hate that my kids have deal with this. It's not their fault but they are the ones who have to suffer thru it. Idk. I'm trying to do the best I can. But I can't help thinking there's more i could do. My marriage is over. but not my life. I have a fresh oppurtunity here to start over and do things better. Just wish I knew how. I'm scared to start dating again. Idk if i even have it left in me to meet someone new. If im really able to invest the time and energy into a new person. I'm a great guy and an awesome father. but i could be better. My future is uncertain but I know ill be ok someday the question is when

 

The bolded- I'll tell you why- because you don't love yourself enough. You have to learn how to love yourself more than that. Then you will see how your W will become a complete "No-no" in your book. That's the truth.

I don't mean to sound harsh. Why in the world would you want to go back to someone that you just called a "wh*re"?

Your W chose someone else over you and and your kids. I know how you feel, trust me, I've been there. There is one thing in life that one day you will regret and trust me it wont be letting your W go. It will be taking her back (if you ever do). Be strong and have faith. When God takes something out of your life is to make room for something better. Trust that! Even if you can't see it now.

[nyrias]

you are not divorced and should not be dating.

 

it shows that you still have bad judgement.

 

it shows that your new love interest is not a good choice because she is willing to date a married man that is still living with his wife.

 

why are you willing to jump from the frying pan into the fire?

 

That is just totally stupid. He already told his wife about it. There is no cheating. The marriage is ending.

 

I say go ahead and date. A R is not about a certificate. It is about letting the other party know where it stands.

[2long]

Why is it that young people - who seem 2 think they'll live forever - seem so in a hurry 2 get back in circulation before the ink's dry on the divorce?

 

If I were 2 get a divorce at my age (58), the last thing I'd want 2 do is take the chance of getting in2 a relationship 2 early. There's so much more nifty sh*t 2 do in life. What about your kids? Do more with them.

 

-ol' 2long

[tomcatf14g]

Well so here I am divorced. Yep I'm divorced. Did pretty well too. Got the house 2 of the three cars. Most of the furnishings and pretty mucheverything else. Me ex is living in a one bedroom apt with her new fiance got a new job at the pot clinic and we haven't talked in weeks. I'm single. Been on a few dates but none felt right. My life now seems to revolve around work work and more work. I go out on the weekends. Try to have a good time but refuse to take any women I meet home cause all they want is a hook up. I've made some new friends and have been working out at the MWR on base. It seems to everyone I'm doing great and living my life better with out my ex wife.

 

But the truth is I don't sleep. All I do is work and when I am home all I do is find stuff to do to keep my mind off of things. I feel very lonely. And maybe even a little depressed. I still think of her often. Sometimes I still hope one day she will come to her senses. The house is so quiet now. I'm all alone here and I hate it. My bed feels cold everynight and I have no one to come home to. I hate it. I hate all of this. Yeah great. O was the big shot who didn't let my wife screw me in the divorce. I got everything except that which mattered most to me. My wife, my kids, my family. I would give all that I have to have her back. None of this **** I got means anything. I earned all of this for my wife and kids not for me. So where do I go from here. Do I still hold out hope. Do I bask in the glory that I came out on top materistically. What. I'm lonely as hell and I hate it. The woman I meet and have been prositoned by are hot cute and sexy. But all of them only want a hook up. I'm not wanting that. I want companionship. I want my wife back. But I can't ever have that again. She's done and checked out. I stopped even tryong to date. What's the point.

 

I don't know what to do now. For the past ten yrs I have been with the same. Woman. I still am in love with her. I hate what she has become but I still want her back. She was an amazing woman once then she changed and became a monster. And I'm the one suffering for it. This wouldn't ne so bad if I didn't feel so lonely. I feel that way even out with other women. So what do I do about the lonliness

[Trojan John]

Congrats on your divorce, but sorry about your melancholy.

Where are your children? Make your life about them if you must.

Forget your ex-wife. You call her a monster, and you would honestly give up everything to go back to her after everything she's put you through?

 

Do more things with your friends. If you have no friends, make new ones. And I know that you don't want it, but it may do you well to have sex with some of those women who proposition you, if only for the endorphin rush.

[Tech_E]

Give yourself time to heal. I don't think there is any easy answer. Just time.

[Chi townD]

You're mourning the loss of your marriage. This is a normal process. You're mourning the loss of your wife no differently than a person losing a parent to a heart attack. Because, let's face it. Your wife is dead and gone. The wife you once knew is gone and is never coming back, and has be replaced by someone who lies, cheats and has no moral compass. Time does heal. Just give yourself that time.

 

As far as dating anyone, you'll be no good to yourself if you force dating before you're ready and it wouldn't be fair to the woman that you date. Believe me, there is a girl out there for you that compliments you in every way and she's waiting for you to find her. I know from experience. It very well could happen when you're not even looking for it. You'll find that girl that makes you nervious and gives you butterflies in your stomach. Something you may haven't experienced since you were a teenager. Once you feel that, you just might be on the right track. But, until then....it's okay to be alone for a while.

[2.50 a gallon]

It takes time. I know you have heard it before, and hate to hear it again, but it is the truth

 

Try changing your environment, such as for the bed and bedroom, have you thought about getting a new bed and redecorating the bedroom?

 

So far you are doing the right thing by keeping busy

 

Years ago I walked a similar path. I soon realized that I was obsesseing over her and what we once had. The best way to fight this was to do as your doing and keep busy. The way I figured it, every second that I found a way to distract myself was a second that I didn't think about her. I needed a way to turn the seconds into minutes and the minutes into hours.

 

I went back to my old hobbies and was able to spend more time with them

 

I also realized with more time for myself, I should explore new interests, maybe things I had thought about trying and never had the time for

 

As part of my furniture, I had a large fish tank, so was a little bit aware of the tropical fish. I had thought about trying to breed some, and was especially intrigued by those that were rare and considered hard to keep.

Now instead of just throwing flake food, fish keeping became much more time consuming, as I neeed to get the water conditions just right,etc. It was a success as not only did they survive but I was able to get them to breed

 

I failed at trying to raise orchids,

 

I was a decent cook, and decided that I should try some gourmet meals, all of which took a little more time, and rewarded me in several ways. Again, it took time, and I ended up having a great meal. Also it proved to be popular with the ladies.

 

I made new friends who introduced me to more new ideas, such as weekly softball games, bbq's and home made beer. I wanted to try beer making, but already had too many things on my plate. I did develop great taste testing skills.

 

With my extra time, I also discovered that I liked and had a knack for historical research. And within a couple of years I began to publish my findings. Up until that point, that I might even try to get something published was the furthest thing on my mind.

 

Unlike you, I was determined to get back into the dating scene as quickly as possible, as I did not like going without sex. Also, I wanted to beat those mental images of my Ex being with the OM. I was right as it did not take long before my sex life took off, and who cared what she was doing as I was having the time of my life.

 

As you, I was not ready for a new relationship, in fact I thought that I would never be ready for another relationship as I flat out did not trust women. So I was determined to never let any one close to me again

 

It took some time, but eventually Cupid caught me like Chi townD says.

She is totally out of my league in the looks department, and at the same time she is one of the sweetest, kindest, most giving people you will ever meet, and she is all mine, and has been for coming up on 17 years. I trust her completely. I definitely traded up beyond my wildest dreams.

 

As for my Ex I recently learned that she had a second marriage that failed, and she has been known to brag that I was once her husband, and she was the one who 'F..d" up

[tomcatf14g]

i miss her. i still love her and i want her back. I would give anything to have my wife back. but its not going to happen so i just need to get over it. why cant i stop thinking about her. its been 8 months since we split. and i still think of her everyday and evrynight. i hate it.

[Steen719]

Be kind to yourself and do some things with friends. You should find some things to do that you enjoy. It may be 8 months, but you have not been divorced for that long and you really have just realized for sure that it is over. You will start feeling better, really you will. Do something this weekend that you enjoy. Plan it now.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[Darth Vader]

Well so here I am divorced. Yep I'm divorced. Did pretty well too. Got the house 2 of the three cars. Most of the furnishings and pretty mucheverything else. Me ex is living in a one bedroom apt with her new fiance got a new job at the pot clinic and we haven't talked in weeks. I'm single. Been on a few dates but none felt right. My life now seems to revolve around work work and more work. I go out on the weekends. Try to have a good time but refuse to take any women I meet home cause all they want is a hook up. I've made some new friends and have been working out at the MWR on base. It seems to everyone I'm doing great and living my life better with out my ex wife.

 

But the truth is I don't sleep. All I do is work and when I am home all I do is find stuff to do to keep my mind off of things. I feel very lonely. And maybe even a little depressed. I still think of her often. Sometimes I still hope one day she will come to her senses. The house is so quiet now. I'm all alone here and I hate it. My bed feels cold everynight and I have no one to come home to. I hate it. I hate all of this. Yeah great. O was the big shot who didn't let my wife screw me in the divorce. I got everything except that which mattered most to me. My wife, my kids, my family. I would give all that I have to have her back. None of this **** I got means anything. I earned all of this for my wife and kids not for me. So where do I go from here. Do I still hold out hope. Do I bask in the glory that I came out on top materistically. What. I'm lonely as hell and I hate it. The woman I meet and have been prositoned by are hot cute and sexy. But all of them only want a hook up. I'm not wanting that. I want companionship. I want my wife back. But I can't ever have that again. She's done and checked out. I stopped even tryong to date. What's the point.

 

I don't know what to do now. For the past ten yrs I have been with the same. Woman. I still am in love with her. I hate what she has become but I still want her back. She was an amazing woman once then she changed and became a monster. And I'm the one suffering for it. This wouldn't ne so bad if I didn't feel so lonely. I feel that way even out with other women. So what do I do about the lonliness

 

I want you to realize that your Ex was always that monster that you hate, but didn't show it's ugly head until late into the marriage when you two had children and she knew you loved her like you do! Face it man! She doesn't love you, otherwise she wouldn't have done what she's done to you! There's someone way better for you out there!