dealing with my wifes affair

[Mimolicious]

ok first off i just wanna make it clear we dont own the house we lived in. its a rental that we were trying to buy. second i do take care of my children. I pay for everything i can. i buy them clothes every week, food, toys and anything else they need. do i give money to my wife no. my lawyer has advised me not to pay her anything until so ordered in court or else i may get screwed and required to keep paying it. As for Cps i dont know if they ever got called. I was told again by my lawyer it would not be in the best intrest for me to do it. but things have changed in the last 2 weeks. my wife is not disapperaing anymore during the week, the house is cleaned and thanks to me and her there is food in the house again. also like i have stated for the last month my wife keeps trying to make contact with me one way or another. she even wants me to come to family night tonight and go to a school function with her and the kids on sun. Which is also her birthday. im undecided if im going to go yet or not and i personally have said nothing to her. I really want to go but Im staying cautious and i wont jump into the descison. I still think she is wanting me back but its to soon for it. she is not rerady yet and is only throwing me little bits here and there. i dont wanna slam the door shut but i dont want to be put into a bad situation either. so im trying to think this thru. during the last few weeks things have greatly calmed down. my wife is viaing for my attention now and im still not giving it to her yet. I need to see more but i am hopeful. Through out all of this i have always said i want reconcilation and im not going to back off that. but im now back to being me and emotonally back under control. Im strong and confident again and my life is finally coming back together. Soonj i will be back in my own place. i have steady work again, though im still looking for a better job, and i have a great many new friends and good support. I will not give up on my marriage but i wont be a doormat or be used either.

 

 

Ok, then that's a different story if you rent. Good that you are providing. The kids are already going through enough.

 

Can your W be bipolar? If she is so up & down and behaves this irrational at time, she may be.

[Owl]

TC...just curious.

 

What's your PLAN on how to get to your goals?

 

Have you sat down and tried to formalize that idea in your mind? Have you tried working out HOW you can obtain your goal? Tried to figure out what things would have to happen...and what steps you'd have to take to try to make those things happen?

 

I get that your wife's actions are outside of your control. And I can believe that you're feeling stronger now. What are you DOING to try to change the situation from where its at today?

[tomcatf14g]

well i screwed it all up. I went back over to her house the next might to fox her computer and at first she was being affectionate and nice again. intil she wanted to know what was bothering me. I kept trying to tell her nothing was wrong but she kept pushing so i told her and it turned into an argument and i left with her mad at me and me mad at her. she did a complete 180 and said she was done and didnt want to work it out at all. said that i misread what she had said the night before and that me sleeping next to her was more then i thought it was. said she hates me gor getting jon removed and also that she likes these army guys more then me because they work out and are hot and sexy, they have benifits and she loves being involved in army functions. said all kimds of bad things about me. she said she is serlfish and concieted and she is happier now with everything going on then she ever was with me. she threw nother one night stand guy in my face and said she has only missed me 3 times since i have been gone and they were for the wrong reasons.

then i screwed up again. she is about to be evicted so i told her i was willing to pay her bills if she was willing to go to marriage counseling. I tried to maniupulate the situation to my advantage and it was completely wrong of me to do. then to top it all off i sent her an email and told her the truth about what i did in texas. i felt like it was time for me to come clean and be completely honest with her. so in a nut shell. she hates me for what i did in texas and cant get over it, she hates me for trying to maniuplate her yesterday to pay her rent when she thinks i should just do it for the kids. she hates me for ending her affair with jon, and she doesnt think i have changed at all and that i am just a piece of ****.

The thing is i have changed but i still have alot farther to go. i didnt want to manipulate her, but as much as i hate it, its not my responsability anymore to pay her bills or come to her rescue. I pay for things with the kids and take care of them. But i want to so bad. I want pay for her rent and her bills and take care of her. i dont know what to do. she is only nice when she wants something, she maniuplates the hell out of me and i let her, and then she treats me like **** no matter what i do. and then i go and make the same screw up and she uses my guilt for it against me to maniuplate me again. All i want to do is the right thing and i just dont know what the right thing is anymore. what the hell should i do.

[Owl]

OK, not to be rude, but I've really struggled reading your posts. Seriously, punctuation, caps, and paragraphs help a lot when others are trying to read and help.

 

Second...what did you do in Texas that she couldn't get over? I must have missed that.

 

Third...if she gets evicted...that's her issue to deal with, not yours. Just make it clear that the KIDS have a place to stay even if she doesn't.

 

If she wants to treat you like this...then let her suffer the consequences for it.

 

Just because she's mad at you now doesn't mean the world is going to end...let it go. Let her throw her little fit...take care of yourself, and your kids, and let her suffer her own consequences.

 

Letting her suffer her own consequences means quit trying to take care of her, when she clearly treats you like dirt. That's never going to earn her respect...and she's telling you that she can't be in love with a man she can't respect. Taking care of yourself, your kids, and not letting her walk all over you will earn respect...and give her a chance to regain her love for you.

[2long]

TC:

 

You were darned for2nate that she didn't call the cops on you for violating the RO.

 

You've basically described a still very much fog-bound WW's behavior. The smartest thing you could do right now is 2 get one of your parents or in-laws 2 act as an intermediary when transferring kids from one parent 2 the other, so you don't have 2 see her or speak 2 her for as long as it takes for her 2 a) hit rock bottom and pull her head out of her nethers, or b) finalize the divorce.

 

Don't do this stuff 2 yourself anymore. She's not your problem, until such time as she deserves and wants 2 be.

 

-ol' 2long

[tomcatf14g]

yep your right. I thought thats what was happening at first. she had been trying to get my attention for weeks since the RO went into affect and i wouldnt give in. then finally she made it so i had to see her. then she hit me with the whole i miss you i need you thing. atleast till she got what she wanted then it was a complete 180 again. so to heck with her. Im done. let her lose everything. hope it makes her happy. im angry with her and im tired of her bs. she is so full of it, its not funny. go have your married, gay porn army douche. you deserve him cause u dont deserve me. Im done and i just dont care anymore. If she can pull her head outta her you know what then we will see. otherwise she can do me the best favor in the world and just leave me alone. im done. forget all of this. Im going out this weekend, going to have a blast and hopefully finally have some fun of my own. Im not married anymore. that ended when she started sleeping around on me. Im just waiting for her to sign the damn papers and then we can finish the rest in court.

 

im outta here. i had a weak moment and im glad ive come out of it quickly.

[KikiW]

Take a deep breath, TC. It sounds like you had a rude awakening. We all know how much you wanted things to work out with her, and we're all so sorry this is such a struggle, but like Owl asked, are you actively making plans at this point? Remove your wife from your future for now. Think of yourself, and your children. Are you secure in how you will take care of them, as in, do you have enough space to shelter them, do you have transportation for them, etc?

 

Anything to do with your wife is not your concern. It is your LAWYER'S concern. Take the advice of your lawyer on what do to, but let him handle things. If your father agreed to be the go-between, it's a shame he didn't ask you to stay with your ill mother while he went and got them. I really think that was dropping the ball on his part. If he cannot step up and help there, then perhaps you need to have someone else assigned.

 

Stay far away from your wife. FAR AWAY. Document any time she contacts you. Document what you did and why (as in, "she requested I fix her computer, I tried to be helpful, it turned into an argument"... "she requested I stay the evening, I thought it was a chance for reconciliation, but it was clear by the morning she was not interested").

 

Time to get your own stuff solidified, leave her to her own mess.

[y2k]

Dude if you don't start moving on from this woman, you'll never get out of this.

 

^^^^Best advise here!!!!!!!

[tomcatf14g]

Ok so here's the deal. After my wife cheated on me the first time I struggled for years to get over it. 2 yrs ago when things got really bad between us I started looking uo other people online. This lked to a one night stand. My wife discovered all the email and pictures sent back and forth buht I never told her the full truth. Atleast not about the physical part. For the last 2 yrs she has tried to get over it all the while suspeccting more had happened and me always denying it. This is what has helped lead her into her current behavijor. Recently I finally came completely clean and asked for her forgivness. I do know now if we can get past what I did we can save our marriage. I'm deeply remorseful for what I did. It doesn't matter if she was guilty of it first. She was atleast fully honest with me when she did it where as I have kept it a secret until recently.

 

What I want to know is is there anyway given her current attitude that I can earn her forgivness. That I can somehow earn back her trust. I'm ready to be completely honest about my actions and I will do anything to make amends for what I did. For what she has doone I don't care. I've forgiven her. What I need now is her forgivness. What if anything can I do to show her how truly deeply sorry I am for what I did and earn her forgiveness and hopefully get her willing to try once more. To show her things are diffrent on my end abd that I will never do again what I did. Please if any of u can help me with this I know there is still a chance. My wife says she is just done but keeps showing signs she really isn't. I have. A small chance to save my marriage and my family if I can just do things the right way and prove to her I'm worthy of forgivness and another try. This is a bad situation because of what we both have done. I need to take full responsibility for my part. Pllease I don't want to lose my wife or my family. We need a healing in our marriage. Can anyone help me to get that started

[2long]

TC, all you can do is live by example what you believe 2 be right. You can't make her think or do or see anything. You can only be truthful and honest with yourself and the people around you. You can't expect her 2 see your improvements, though she might. You can't truly improve if you're forever wondering if you've finally impressed her.

 

Sadly, you both have a his2ry of infidelity throughout your marriage. If you didn't have kids, I'd recommend you chalk it up 2 experience and finalize the divorce. Since you do have kids, you need 2 stay focused on being the best dad 2 them that you can be. And stop worrying about your marriage. It might recover, it might not. But that's unimportant compared 2 your kids' upbringing.

 

-ol' 2long

[Owl]

Have you heard the term..."trickle truth".

 

That's what we have here...not just between you and your wife...but between you and LS as well.

 

I've got no good advice to offer you at this point. She's had multiple affairs...you've cheated and trickle truth'ed as well.

 

I don't see a happy solution to this.

[John Michael Kane]

So you lied to us? I retract all of my previous statements made here on this thread.

 

Divorce is not only a necessity in this situation, but CPS need to be greatly involved in the care of those children.

[Mr.Harris]

Whoa. Sure this isn't a troll?

[tomcatf14g]

Llook I'm not a troll. And my wife knew what I did. This was after she had already cheated on me. I have been upfront and honest to all of u about what I did. I've admitted to everything except for the one time I also strayed. Also again after she had already twice. This does not excuse me or my actions at all. And I have spent the last 2 yrs since that night trying to make up for it. But I have been deeply involved in church and coiunseling and I have come to see that full and complete honesty is required of me. Not just in my marriage but in all things. I'm on here because I want to make thingsright and I don't ever want to have this happen again. Please don't judge me based off one thing that I did. After my wifes first affair years ago I struggled hard to over come it. I remained faithful to her and tried to get past it. Then yrs later she had another one. And again I stayed faithful and stayed the good husband. The one problem back then was we just pushed everything ubder the rug. We had a few great yrs though then 2 yrs agop they got bad. She was very cruel to me and didn't appreciate a single thing I did. We were helping a friend find a date and one girl became very intrested in me and in a very short amount of time it led to my one night stand. I have never been able to get over my guilt for that. I still can't. Maybe I did it out of revenge or something else. But I wasn't thinking rationally. Right now I'm trying to heal my marriage. And that means facing hard treuths about me as well as my wife.

 

Please realoze she cheated first several times over a few yrs and I never did once. Then I did the samme thing and had my one nighter. Where as oi have forgiven her though she can't forgive me. And that's a large reason why we are where we are now. Maybe I should have been completely honest with her 2 yrs ago and we could have made it thru this. I told her everything except the physical part. I was a coward. I admit that. But now I'm owning up to it. So please don't be angry cause I'm trying to do what's right. I have valued all ur opinions and I don't want to lose that.

[What_Next]

In your post several times you say that you are not trying to excuse your actions. However, you are speaking from both sides of your mouth. Why else point out how "innocent" you were in terms of her cheating twice and you staying squeaky clean. Sorry, don't buy it.

 

Yes you should have told the full story from the word go. I mean why not? This is an anonymous board where telling the FULL truth can only help those reading it evaluate the situation.

 

Of course you did it out of revenge, anger, hurt and a million other reasons. Still DOES NOT excuse the behavior. I am speaking from a personal view here, why, because my wife cheated, and then I engaged a revenge affair. Even worse I did so with her full knowledge, while still living with her. It was disgusting behavior and I can NEVER EVER justify it. Despite this, I used to utter some of the same statements that you have. It has only been recently that I have come to terms with what I did and the fact that I must allow my wife to go through the same emotions that I did when I discovered her affair.

[2long]

TC:

 

These new revelations (2 us) just make advising you on how 2 proceed more complicated. So, you had a ONS. That's harmful enough. But up until your recent post, all we knew is that your W was a typical WS having an affair in your face. Now we learn she's a serial cheater.

 

I'd proceed with the divorce and focus on bettering yourself and taking care of your kids.

 

-ol' 2long

[KikiW]

TC, it seems very obvious to me that you and your wife are not a good match.

 

If you had been a good match, she would not have strayed, and you would not have strayed. If you had been a good match, you would have communicated well through any bad times, and leaned on each other to get through instead of other people.

 

That is not the case. You both wound up putting your attentions on other people instead of fixing your marital issues. You have GOT to let her go and focus on your kids now. You should seek counseling and learn what you want out of a partner so when the opportunity shows itself, you will know how to handle issues better.

 

Whether she strayed first or you did is irrelevant at this point. You seem willing to try, but she is obviously not in the same place you are, which means it will only cause problems for you and your children. Stop mucking about with this idea of her coming to her senses. Either she will or she won't. Nothing YOU do will change that. She has issues she needs to deal with and you need to be the rock in your childrens' lives.

 

Do not waste your time and energy fretting about how to get her back. Spend your time and energy wisely - on making yourself a better person and being there for your kids.

 

JMHO.

[tomcatf14g]

My wife has completely lost it. I've learned of things she has been doing lately that out of respect I won't repeat. She has lost it. I now know everything. About all the affairs, how the happened, when and even how she is now making money. After learning all of this and the way her attitude towardss me still is, I'm just done. I want a divorce and I'm going to get one. I have evidence now that will ensure I get full custody of my children and she can be left to her own vices. I now have a dream job and in 2 weeks I will be moving into my own 3 bedroom house. Where as she is getting evicted and losing everything. Its funny my life is getting so much better and hers is getting so much worse.

[2long]

Take care of those kids!! Don't lose sight of what's important here.

 

Is she doing something illegal? I'm afraid 2 guess what you're alluding 2, so I won't. But if it's illegal, be sure 2 let your lawyer and maybe even the police know as soon as possible. For the kids!

 

-ol' 2long

[tomcatf14g]

Let me just say that the only state where I know its legak is nevada and we don't live in nevada. So I've got a court date set for Tuesday to take emergancy custody of the kids and I'm going to only allow her to see them supervised.

[2long]

Montana also, until about 40 years ago, IIRC.

 

Why wait until Tuesday?

 

-ol' 2long

[gallop30]

that's somebody with no values and needs to be left asap

[KikiW]

TC, all I can say is that I am so very sorry that your wife has fallen to such depths. It's a complete shame, it really is. But I am very glad that you are moving forward and doing what you have to in order to protect your children. They do not need that in their lives, and she has no right to put them anywhere near it.

 

Please expect to have a bit of acting out from your kids. I highly recommend finding some counselors to help them deal with things and express themselves appropriately. Do not allow what your wife has done to consume them, they will thank you later for it.

 

My very best of wishes, please let us all know how things go with court (although I would ask your lawyer if there is an emergency injunction they can do, just in case that's an option).

[tomcatf14g]

So here is the update. My lawyer got me emergancy custody of the kids. I now have them. I'm moving into a 3 bdr 3 bth house close to my new job this week. All weekend my wife and I have been tlking right now she is out with a guy on what was supposed to be a onenight stand but she is telling me she is thinking of me. She can't go thru with it with this guy and wants to tlk to me tomorrow. She mentioned this weekend about us movong back into together. So far I have been blowing her off. I don't trust she is geniune. But she bought me a fathers day gift and over the last few weeks she has shown significant signs of missing me and we have been tlking about our marriage. Though she has been admit about us not reconciling. Though now it seems she is craking open the door. Instead of being with this guy she is out with she is blowing up my phone and I'm barley responding. So what should I do. Despite it all I. Still wanna save this marriage but it can't continue the way it has been. It must change or we will be right back here again.bso what should I do. Also to be fully honest here after last week when I discovered what my wife had become and was done with her I started to tlk to one of these girls who has been trying to date me. I met up with her and things started to go somewhere. Things started to go from just friends to her wanting more. I even considered it based off what I had learned. I made it vlear to her I wasn't ready for that and she pursued. She tried to kiss me and I pulled back cause all I could do was think of my wife. I politely told her that's not what I wanted and said I had to go. What was supposed to be a friendly encounter was quickly turning into more. I made that mistake once and was not about to do it again. So I left.

So despite what I thought I felt I still have deep feelings for my wife and felt I needed to step away from what was becoming a compromising situation. Tonight my wife and I tlked and I told her what happened. She wanted to know why I didn't let this girl go all the way or even kiss me. She said she would have if she were me. I told her that even though I'm done with you I must wait till we are divorced. Her reply shocked me. She said what if we don't get divorced. I didn't know what to say to that so I changed the subject.

Now I have so much to think about. I still want my wife. Even though I don't want to. But I need to think of my children first and foremost. I had to take them from her to protect them. I'm already having to struggle with explaing all this to them in a loving way where they won't hate mommy anymore than they do. I want to work it out with my wife but I gotta protect my children. They have been thru so much because of her and I don't trust her or her motives. But it would be best for the kids if her and I truly worked this out. I'm scared, hopeful, and cautious. What should I do. If my wifes serious I don't wanna turn her away but I don't see what I can do and still keep my children safe from her. I really need some good unbiased advice. I think I should continue to play hardball with her but in a loving way and demand more proof she is serious. What do u guys think

[KikiW]

TC, you know she is just playing games. YOU KNOW THIS. She got a slap in the face when you got custody of the kids, and now she's being wishy washy and making overtures as though you two should be together. Are you listening to everyone here? We told you from the start that this would happen.

 

You just went from being completely done with her because you found out she was prostituting herself and getting emergency custody of the children to actually entertaining the notion of being with her again? REALLY?? Everytime you see her you should be reminding yourself of what she's done. You should remember what she put your babies through. You should recall what she put YOU through.

 

STOP STOP STOP even fleetingly considering being with this woman. She has done NOTHING to show you she's changed (remember when she said SHE would have gone for that kiss you rejected - RIGHT THERE, BIG CLUE).

 

She's gotten a little taste of not having everything her way, and she is PLAYING THE GAME in order to get things the way she wants it again - STOP PLAYING HER GAME. You have your children, take care of them and got god's sake STOP thinking about putting yourself and them through it all with her again.

 

GET DIVORCED, PROTECT YOURSELF, PROTECT YOUR KIDS.

 

If it was meant to be, you can get re-married once she cleans herself up and gets counseling. But at this point, if it happens, it will be YEARS before you come to that point again. Stop thinking this is something that can be resolved here and now. IT'S ALL GAMES.

 

If I was there I would be Gibbs slapping you right now! GET AWAY FROM HER.

 

Was I in any way unclear as to what my opinion is?