Attracted to jerks

[dispatch3d]

What is it with the whole alpha thing? Ive never heard this even discussed in the real world only online where it seems to be the end all be all for allot of women..

 

Whats wrong with a laid back guy? some women seem to think being quiet or laid back means weak and beign assertive or overly talkative means the guys strong

 

Do "alphas"make you feel more feminine by domanating and controlling you and the relationship?

 

Seems like women want to be controlled and told what to do and if theyre not they lose attraction..maybe some of you equate dominate personality with being dominate in the bedroom?

 

I think alpha is just a players/dating worldview of leadership skills.

 

I also think some of you guys/girls make way too big a deal out of people not properly realizing someone should be avoided.

 

Why do people like drama? I guess it's kinda fun, movies are usually based on drama.

[blueskyday]

Right, drama is not good!

 

I like a take charge guy, but not a controlling one...I am a take charge woman, but I know how to give up that control, too...as long as I respect the guy and his way of thinking and acting in a smart, and protective way...

 

I kind of need a guy who won't let me walk all over him, which i can do sometimes...but I have no problem calling a guy on his crap either...and want him to be ok with that...maybe that's what the OP is after....

[fishtaco]

I said that..we are agreeing here..

 

My point is allot of women mistake what a strong man is...A guy can be a "alpha" and assertive and loud but it doesnt autoamtically make him a strong guy..and allot of women assume the quiet laid back guy isnt as strong..

 

Well, all these are theory talks. How about practical application?

 

I play the alpha game, try to, I'm no expert, and to varying amount of success. Like I mentioned before in other threads, I bombed out this weekend.

 

I had my sights set on this new regular. So I wasn't in a hurry, I expect to see her there every week. Also, she seems to be the innocent type. So I was taking my time, I didn't want to scare her away. Well, there's this acquaintance of mine, the aggressive guy, complete with locker room talk. It's obvious he was after one thing and one thing only... nail chicks. To me anyway, but I'm sure he shows a different face to women, so that it's NOT obvious. That's step #1. If he couldn't even manage that, then I'd be telling a much different story right now.

 

Well he made his move while I was being "laid back". And guess what? I lost. Not that aggressive guy is a better person than me. But because I wasn't aggressive enough.

 

I already know what's going to happen. He's going to use her for sex, she's going to feel disappointed. He'll come back and get more chicks, because that's his game, so I'll see him there still. But she probably won't be back because he'll be there. At least not for awhile until she gets over it.

 

Moral of the story, I wasn't aggressive enough. So I'm recalibrating myself to be more aggressive. I have competitions. It's not just about being a man that women are attracted to. You also have to beat out other men.

 

Be the quiet confident guy all you want. Sure, the woman could be impressed with you. But the aggressive guy will beat you to the punch, and you lose anyway, or at best pick up his sloppy seconds.

 

So this whole business encompasses more than just being attractive to women. If it's just you plus women, yes, sure. Throw other capable men in the mix, and the dynamic changes. You have to compensate for that as well.

[Ross MwcFan]

What is it with the whole alpha thing? Ive never heard this even discussed in the real world only online where it seems to be the end all be all for allot of women..

 

Whats wrong with a laid back guy? some women seem to think being quiet or laid back means weak and beign assertive or overly talkative means the guys strong

 

Do "alphas"make you feel more feminine by domanating and controlling you and the relationship?

 

Seems like women want to be controlled and told what to do and if theyre not they lose attraction..maybe some of you equate dominate personality with being dominate in the bedroom?

 

There are plenty of alphas who don't dominate and control their women. The ones that do are the jerks.

[alethean]

I understand that just because someone who isn't a doormat doesn't mean they are disrespectful. But sometimes people think differently of others.

 

For example, a lot of people think "Ryan" is a jerk. Mostly guys. In fact, one friend of mine has asked me why I allowed him to treat me in the way he does. But I think that "Ryan" is just kidding. And when times have gotten tough, he is the most supportive (besides my girl friends ofc.) He has a romantic side, which I saw with his exgf. And since he acts so atrocious at times, I also feel that he doesn't judge me when I'm being a biatch.

 

I would never date "Ryan." But, I would prefer him over some of my other, "nicer" guy friends.

 

So when you guys say that you would never find a girl who likes "jerks" attractive...might you just be jelly?

 

Except for the example when the guy stabbed some1 with a pencil. That is just mentally unstable, violent, and scary.

 

And to the orangelady's post and to the post about liking drama...stay on topic please. Thanks.

 

 

They might not necessarily be jealous. I can certainly empathize with their situation as I have been the recipient of a similar phenomenon.

 

I'm that second-choice girl: the "loyal," "dependable," "practical," and "sensible." All adjectives someone would use to describe someone who is...well, boring. (Strangely, those who really know me also know that I am insanely silly.) Fact of the matter is, I don't mind being boring, quiet, reserved, homebody, and all that other stuff. I don't even mind not being chased around by guys on a constant basis like some of my wilder friends and acquaintances. But I do mind it when some guys tire of certain girls then come running to me. One guy in particular was really amazing at first glance; he was stupidly smart (I know that makes no sense lol), intelligent, and he had a lot in common with me, both strengths and weaknesses wise. We were both willing to work on our acknowledged shared weaknesses together, but one thing I just couldn't get past was the fact that he had a penchant for girls that he knew were no good for him. He even told me that he did not want to date right now because he was too busy messing around with a girl who was not "wife material" (huh?) and he would get back to me within a few months so that he could date "for real." I mightn't have thought that he was serious...until he actually did contact me a few months later. And kept doing so for about two months.

 

If this were a one-time occurrence, I wouldn't mind. But to be second choice all the time is rather exasperating. Apparently not exasperating enough for me to change and pretend I'm like one of my fast friends, though.

 

Who knows? Maybe I am "jelly" after all...?

[BiscuitXOXO]

I think the OP should refrain from making excuses for "Ryan." That's how you get knee deep in bad relationships...."Oh, he's not so bad. He's romantic with his girlfriend." Much better to err on the side of "he's a jerk."

 

If he's a selfish guy who doesn't care how others feel, then call it like it is....We women get in trouble making excuses for guys like this. On the other hand, give nice guys a break by making a few excuses for them...as in, "He is probably a very protective guy who can show his teeth when necessary."....look for a guy with boundaries....

I wonder what it is inside of me that wants to make excuses for one type of person and not for others. Maybe this is what is fundamentally bothering me; I can sense the unjustness of the way I treat different people. Is this changeable? Or even worth changing?

 

They might not necessarily be jealous. I can certainly empathize with their situation as I have been the recipient of a similar phenomenon.

 

I'm that second-choice girl: the "loyal," "dependable," "practical," and "sensible."

I've been in this situation as well. My best friend in high school was beautiful, smart, funny, outgoing. Boys flocked to her. I was usually noticed second. I have to admit that yes, I was jealous. But then...was I any better? Why would anyone want to be around me if it's boring and awkward? Even if I felt I was infinitely more responsible than my friend...who cared?

 

Maybe this goes for men too.

[Timmeh]

An alpha male is somebody who has everything together. They're men who have high emotional IQ's, and they are usually assertive. These people aren't afraid to make it known what they want and they are usually confident. They are strong in their resolves and won't let women or men alike bend them over. Being an "alpha male" does not mean you have to be an overzelous controlling jerk.

[alethean]

 

I've been in this situation as well. My best friend in high school was beautiful, smart, funny, outgoing. Boys flocked to her. I was usually noticed second. I have to admit that yes, I was jealous. But then...was I any better? Why would anyone want to be around me if it's boring and awkward? Even if I felt I was infinitely more responsible than my friend...who cared?

 

Maybe this goes for men too.

 

As to the bolded, I would readily agree. Which is why I don't expect guys to pursue me as much as they do my vivacious friends. Because I've always had these expectations (and am actually surprised when a guy is genuinely interested in me), I have never felt cause to be jealous.

 

But I do find it irritating when some guy screws my best friend Suzie and then tells me not a few weeks later that he's interested in dating me. Or if he's expecting me to wait for him to finish sexing Amy so that he can be my boyfriend. For me personally, these types of things are more wearing on the self-esteem than not being pursued at all...but maybe it's a personal problem.

 

Anyway, I'm sort of derailing from your original topic (being attracted to jerks), so I'll leave for now. I've enjoyed reading though.

[musemaj11]

Im attracted to good girls emotionally but Im attracted to bad girls sexually. 'Dangerous' women simply have this sexual aura about them. It gives you this unexplainable mixed emotions that affects your hormones and creates desire.

 

I think this is the same with women who are attracted to bad boys.

Edited April 28, 2011 by musemaj11

[Woggle]

I am reliable. sensible and loyal yet I have a very interesting life. I go on vacations all the time, enjoy boating, love music and I generally love to have fun. None of this requires me to be drama filled and dysfunctional. How being interesting become equated with being a screwed up jerk is beyond me.

[ASG]

Im attracted to good girls emotionally but Im attracted to bad girls sexually. 'Dangerous' women simply have this sexual aura about them. It gives you this unexplainable mixed emotions that affects your hormones and creates desire.

 

I think this is the same with women who are attracted to bad boys.

 

I agree. For me it's something in their eyes. There's a twinkle of mischieve. And it drives me nuts!

 

I found out, though, that you can find that in guys that aren't complete jerks! It's all about balance.

 

I do go back to the jerks from time to time, when I'm not in a relationship. But I know what to expect and am not heartbroken when they don't call.

[musemaj11]

I agree. For me it's something in their eyes. There's a twinkle of mischieve. And it drives me nuts!

 

I found out, though, that you can find that in guys that aren't complete jerks! It's all about balance.

 

I do go back to the jerks from time to time, when I'm not in a relationship. But I know what to expect and am not heartbroken when they don't call.

Thats why I understand when women want the bad boys.

 

But what I find so dumb is when those women go for the bad boys and then try to 'tame' them. Its just so stupid. Whats the point of going for the bad boys if you are just going to change them anyway? Of course its not like they are going to succeed in the first place.

 

Also just like me, many if not most men too are attracted to the bad girl types. However generally men are smart enough not to see such women as a long term material. Instead of trying to change them, we simply look for someone else. Even the craziest party guy will eventually choose the sweetheart kind of woman when he is ready for a long term commitment such as marriage. He is not going to try to change his bad girl ex-girlfriends to fit his new criteria.

[orangelady]

I am reliable. sensible and loyal yet I have a very interesting life. I go on vacations all the time, enjoy boating, love music and I generally love to have fun. None of this requires me to be drama filled and dysfunctional. How being interesting become equated with being a screwed up jerk is beyond me.

 

Agreed. Although, I think some men don't have much 'drama' in a physical sense like some women do but they do have 'dramas' in their heads. They brood and mope around in life a lot. The whole "I'm depressed, I have no purpose in life, I won't look for a job, I'll just get up at 11am, play video games, jerk off and watch rugby" for the rest of my life thing.

[Bj099235]

I think what nice guys really are, are just guys that a little too nice, a little too vanilla. Not guys who are completely spineless. Most people aren't completely spineless.

 

I guess both genders like confidence, but women are more into it.

 

When it comes to bad boys, I guess most women respond to guys who are a little bit selfish. It makes things more interesting for them, I guess.

[VicJay79]

There are common qualities that you will find in most jerks:

 

1. They are physically attractive (most of the time)

2. They are very confident.

 

You are probably attracted to one or both of these things. Being a nice guy is a great thing and as you get older you will realize how wonderful and lucky you are to have someone that does treat you well...

 

 

 

 

A lot of men here complain about how girls flock to jerks.

 

I used to think that this wasn't true. I would never date someone who disrespected me, blah blah. But recently I have realized that I actually AM more attracted to someone who isn't all over himself to please me.

 

Is this just because I'm young? I can't help who I'm attracted to, right? I can't just MAKE myself like "nice guys" just because they're more healthy for me.

 

I just feel bad when I have to put "nice guys" down.

[orangelady]

There are common qualities that you will find in most jerks:

 

1. They are physically attractive (most of the time)

2. They are very confident.

 

Very spot on.

 

Yeah, nice guys really rock, but I guess you got to have something in common with them. It's really nice being with someone you feel very secure with and you can count on.

[dispatch3d]

Well, all these are theory talks. How about practical application?

 

I play the alpha game, try to, I'm no expert, and to varying amount of success. Like I mentioned before in other threads, I bombed out this weekend.

 

I had my sights set on this new regular. So I wasn't in a hurry, I expect to see her there every week. Also, she seems to be the innocent type. So I was taking my time, I didn't want to scare her away. Well, there's this acquaintance of mine, the aggressive guy, complete with locker room talk. It's obvious he was after one thing and one thing only... nail chicks. To me anyway, but I'm sure he shows a different face to women, so that it's NOT obvious. That's step #1. If he couldn't even manage that, then I'd be telling a much different story right now.

 

Well he made his move while I was being "laid back". And guess what? I lost. Not that aggressive guy is a better person than me. But because I wasn't aggressive enough.

 

I already know what's going to happen. He's going to use her for sex, she's going to feel disappointed. He'll come back and get more chicks, because that's his game, so I'll see him there still. But she probably won't be back because he'll be there. At least not for awhile until she gets over it.

 

Moral of the story, I wasn't aggressive enough. So I'm recalibrating myself to be more aggressive. I have competitions. It's not just about being a man that women are attracted to. You also have to beat out other men.

 

Be the quiet confident guy all you want. Sure, the woman could be impressed with you. But the aggressive guy will beat you to the punch, and you lose anyway, or at best pick up his sloppy seconds.

 

So this whole business encompasses more than just being attractive to women. If it's just you plus women, yes, sure. Throw other capable men in the mix, and the dynamic changes. You have to compensate for that as well.

 

There was a guy I was drinking with who seems good with women. I said that girl seems hot. He said she has a real nice rack on her, and puts out too. She zipped up her shirt and came over to talk to me (lol). I think the biggest thing for the girls sometimes is that you are actually interested.

[AD1980]

There are common qualities that you will find in most jerks:

 

1. They are physically attractive (most of the time)

2. They are very confident.

 

You are probably attracted to one or both of these things. Being a nice guy is a great thing and as you get older you will realize how wonderful and lucky you are to have someone that does treat you well...

 

I agree with#1..I dont think most sane women like bad boys or jerks but if the jerk is good looking allot of women will put up with more then from an average guy or theyll just ignore early warning signs becasue of how good looking the guy is..

[Woggle]

Agreed. Although, I think some men don't have much 'drama' in a physical sense like some women do but they do have 'dramas' in their heads. They brood and mope around in life a lot. The whole "I'm depressed, I have no purpose in life, I won't look for a job, I'll just get up at 11am, play video games, jerk off and watch rugby" for the rest of my life thing.

 

Women who chase after jerks are not attracted to men like this. They are attracted to men who give them drama. These guys are out living it up while she sits by the phone crying because he hasn't called her yet. I really think some women thrive on this kind of stuff in a sick way.

[Dust]

The law of attraction is you get what you asked for. So, like the genie warned Aladdin “be careful what you wish for.”

 

The law of attraction also applies to the self appointed nice guys who feel they always finish last. Negative thinking translates to negative action.

[rocketboy9]

I dont know who coined the term but its out of control. I have seen many so-called Alpha's that are LOSERS. Totally.

 

And you know how most people measure success? By the coin.

 

These tools most of the time dont have an education, have an attitude and are in some low end job making nothing. In my experience women like them because they are selfish, self centered and usually are a total douche.

 

Who would want someone like this? But if women want drama and excitement than they are going to get it. But dont cry when he cheats on you with your best friend or any other woman he can for that matter.

 

I have seen vicious fights break out among young guys because they have to be "Alpha". Some people have gotten really hurt because of this attitude. If you walk around with that attitude you better be prepared to back it up and there is ALWAYS somebody bigger and badder. Because thats how life is.

 

In the past Alpha = douche, not its some kind of thing put on a pedestal.

[fishtaco]

There was a guy I was drinking with who seems good with women. I said that girl seems hot. He said she has a real nice rack on her, and puts out too. She zipped up her shirt and came over to talk to me (lol). I think the biggest thing for the girls sometimes is that you are actually interested.

 

So did you get a date with her?

 

If the biggest thing for the girls is that you show interest, then the aggressive one has the advantage.

[sumdude]

The thing is that the ballbusters are the worst when it comes to this. I have found that many ballbusting so called strong women secretly yearn for a man to manhandle them.

 

True, but the relationships are so draining. I don't mind having to call a woman on her ****, but when it's a constant battle of wills it just gets old. Been there, done that.

 

Usually these women go from relationship to relationship. The strong willed guys who aren't as in your face get dropped because they're not 'ballsy enough' (though by most standards they're confident dudes) and the ones who are hard core enough to deal with these women usually drop them after enough BS or have others going at the same time.

[Woggle]

True, but the relationships are so draining. I don't mind having to call a woman on her ****, but when it's a constant battle of wills it just gets old. Been there, done that.

 

Usually these women go from relationship to relationship. The strong willed guys who aren't as in your face get dropped because they're not 'ballsy enough' (though by most standards they're confident dudes) and the ones who are hard core enough to deal with these women usually drop them after enough BS or have others going at the same time.

 

You are right. These women are constantly trying to test men and after a while a guy just can't take it anymore. How do some women actually like this?

[BiscuitXOXO]

You are right. These women are constantly trying to test men and after a while a guy just can't take it anymore. How do some women actually like this?

They probably don't realize they are doing it. They just like teasing a guy or whatever, and when the guy doesn't respond in a certain way, they explode it and take it to mean some failure of character, or that he isn't who they thought he was, blah blah.