honeytruffle Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 My first post! Anyway, I have a real problem with my boyfriends sister and I don't know whether its just me being unreasonable or she is a genuine pain. Me and my boyfriend are 21 and she is 24, she lives with her husband about 10 minutes from my boyfriend (who still lives with his parents) Since she lives so close, she comes over to their house at least once a week- most of the time without her husband. This doesn't bother me, except my boyfriend is always made to go and say hi to her and do errands for her, no matter what we are doing. However, what makes it more annoying is something that happened recently. It was his birthday and she decided she wanted to do something 'special' for him. I had told her and his mum that I planned to get 21 presents for his 21st. Then what should happen, on his birthday she gets all flustered and upset, and comes over to his house crying because she was struggling to find him some presents. Later that night, after the attention was on her quite a bit to make sure she was feeling better...what does she do, but come in with a sack of 21 presents. I really did want to hit her, honestly. So of course he makes a massive deal about it because he doesnt want to 'upset her after she got so worked up' Now obviously this annoyed me beyond belief but this isnt the end of it. She decided this wasnt enough and decided to plan a birthday 'get together' for him...at her house. I didn't go because I don't like that her husband and some of his friends smoke weed. I was quite happy for him to go but I told him in advance that I wasnt going to text him so that he coud enjoy his night. Well, a few days later she comes over his house all annoyed because he hadn't 'enjoyed the night enough' and starts asking was it cos I had texted him all night, to which my boyfriend said I hadnt contacted him all night. Then she started having a go at me saying that I was taking him away from her, and she never got to see him anymore. For gods sake! The woman is 24 years old and sees her brother at least once a week, isnt that enough?! Then she started on about me giving her horrible looks when she's around his house, which to my knowledge, I do not do - I'm quite shy so I find it hard to speak to her, but I do try to start conversations with her. After this little incident he was in a bit of a mood with his sister for about a week (I wasnt there to witness this btw, he just told me about it afterwards) and now last night he went over to her house to visit her. It annoys me becasue I feel hes only doing this because she nagged at him and now she'll feel that she can just have a go at him for something and he'll just jump to what she says. He gets really annoyed if I say anything even slightly about her, so I just don't know who to speak to about it. She acts as nice as pie to my face, but I know shes just faking it because she does this annoying little laugh after everything she says to me, and my boyfriend has told me that everyone in his family does that to be polite - i.e fakeness. And now that she's slagged me off, I find it hard even being nice to her face since I know how she feels about me now. What shall I do? Or am I just being totally unreasonable?
Kelemort Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Oh Lord. It sounds like you've gotten yourself into quite a mess of a brother-sister relationship. I don't think it's unreasonable to be teed that your idea for your boyfriend's birthday is stolen by his SISTER, nor do I think it's unreasonable for you to feel upset that his sister is dominating his birthday. In a relationship, I think it's a given to the parents/siblings that the significant other probably has something planned and gets first dibs, especially if it's not a non-exclusive relationship. Sounds like you guys have been established for at least a little while. I had a similar problem in the past, although it was with my first boyfriend's mother (she just couldn't let GO. Total mama's boy). Humorous aside, we were going on a date to a beach when we were 19 and she complained and complained about the pollution in the water. I reassured her that wasn't the case. So my boyfriend and I go on this date...and lo and behold, who do we see but his mother and sister approaching? Yes, she actually CRASHED our date. It was unbelievable. Anyway - I think it's important to have a frank discussion with your boyfriend. Tell him that you had planned this surprise for him, and his sister stole the idea. Let him know that you feel like she's trying to push you out of the way so she can have him all to herself (which is downright unhealthy and WEIRD). Boyfriend (I'm assuming this is his first relationship?) needs to sit down with his sister and say, "Angelique, I enjoy the time that we get to spend together and I love you very much. But I love honeytruffle and she makes me feel happy. I really enjoy being with her. It hurts me that you don't approve of her and that you blame her for us not spending as much time together. I would appreciate it if you stopped telling me bad things about her, and if you treated her respectfully. I treat your husband respectfully, and I think it's important that you treat my girlfriend the same way." If she gives you the phony treatment for the rest of your life...welcome to family politics. Sometimes they're nasty like that. And that means unfortunately you'll have to put in some effort too to keep the peace and to avoid stirring up your boyfriend's ire or a family war. When she gives you her phony smiles or her phony conversations, pretend you're oblivious - or better yet, kill her with kindness. I've done this to people I detest. They'll walk up and act all interested and friendly. I just match their zeal like I'm acting! All the while, under the surface I'm grinning because I know it's getting under their skin that I'm just going along with it instead of acting upset over the phoniness. Best of luck to you.
Rinnix Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 You are not alone in this situation. My longterm boyfriend's sister drives me up the wall. She is 18 and loves to make trouble and drama. There was one time where she made up lies saying that I was cheating on him with a guy named Mike. (I didn't even know a Mike! & Id never cheat.) She has been trying to make us split. That being said, she is family. Family always comes first for people. Which is why its best to avoid talking negative about his sister as it just makes you look bad. He will always side with and forgive family easily. Have you tried talking to his sister yourself? Sit her down and have a calm respectable chat with her voicing your concerns. When I talked to my boyfriends sister she ended up being a brat and called me a creeper. But, a week later she came to her senses and apologized to me for being disrespectful. Its worth trying to make peace.
Professor X Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 It depends on the guy really, if he's to attached to his family or not. My ex' was in the same situation as you and she told me that, and I checked for myself and I saw my ex' was right, I went and had a nice chat with my sister and told her she better leave my ex' alone. And she did. Point is, there's nothing you can directly do. You have got to tell your BF and he has got to do something about it. It's his family after all.
Author honeytruffle Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 He knows that she stole my idea because I did it too. I gave him the 21 presents then she came over after and started with her big dramatic fit because she'd been present hunting ON HIS BIRTHDAY and couldn't 'find what she wanted' which now I take to mean, she struggled to find 21. Then because she'd behaved like a total drama queen he totally over-enthused about her presents like 'wooooow THANKS SO MUCH' and I just thought grr...you've totally stolen my idea and are getting amazing praise for it. But it isn't even the idea stealing that really bothers me, because I could try and feel flattered by it. Its the slagging me off behind my back, accusing me of spoiling something she planned, when I didn't do anything. I always spend saturdays with my boyfriend, because he works all week, and she knows this - so she told him she'd plan for a weekday, maybe friday or something. Then lo and beyold she decides no, saturday. Then on top of that she told him to come over for 9 which was fine, cos then we could still hang out during the day. But then she kept gradually making the time earlier and earlier, saying it would be 'pointless otherwise' and she was going to 'so much trouble' All she did was have a few of his friends over, and they ordered a pizza. Which she then DEMANDED the money off my boyfriend for. I gather I'm probably being unreasonable, I just feel she tries to take over too much and it annoys me. Especially cos if I want to be with him for the rest of my life I've got her to contend with.
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