Info's Coping Log

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Hey, guys.

 

So I thought I would start one of these basically to keep myself accountable. I've tried NC about three times in the 4 weeks since my ex and I broke up, and each time I cave and contact him. Well, each time was a bad idea, so this time, I'm going to truly let this NC thing work (hopefully).

 

I'll try to keep the background fairly brief. My ex and I were together for almost 4 years. Actually, tomorrow would have been our 4 year anniversary. Isn't that wonderful. He broke up with me about a month ago, saying he wanted space and independence, but that he still loved me and wanted to be together...someday. Whatever that means.

 

He thought we would still be friends and hang out after he left. I tried so hard, but it was too painful. Every time I'd see him, it was great for a little while. Then I'd have to come back to reality and realize that we weren't together, and he wasn't coming home tonight. Also, I ended up acting pretty pathetic for a while. Lots of crying on the phone with him, obsessively asking him if he missed me, loved me, etc.

 

He keeps giving me mixed signals. He says that he just needs space right now, but that he doesn't want to be with anyone else, and wants to get back together sometime in the future. I didn't really believe that at first, but he promised that he wouldn't say that unless he really felt that way. I know that causing me more pain unnecessarily isn't something that he's intending to do. However, even with him saying that, the fact that he left still has me wondering. If he loves me, why isn't he with me now? Neither of us is perfect, but he ended up just leaving pretty suddenly. I mean looking back, there were signs. When everything was happening, though, I was pretty oblivious. He's not one to talk a whole lot about his feelings, but I can't help thinking that if he would have communicated more with me, we wouldn't be at this point. But really, that's something he needs to work on. I need to focus on myself.

 

One weird thing. When we had been talking, he keeps reminding me that we're not together, but then sometimes the things he says contradict that. Like, we used to watch certain TV shows online together cuddled up on the couch with my laptop. When I told him I'd already seen them last week, he got a little upset like he was expecting me to wait and watch them with him or something. But since we're not together right now (as he keeps reminding me), that doesn't make sense. Also, he freaked out when he realized that I went out of state to visit a friend for a weekend, like he was worried I was never coming back. Right now, I'm just seriously confused.

 

So, on Monday night I made the decision to do NC. I told him that I wasn't interested in just being his friend, and that if/when it comes to a point that he wants to try having a relationship again, he should call me. My goal right now is to go absolutely no contact for the next 3 weeks or so. School should keep me busy until then.

 

I guess the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now is worrying that my hope for a possible reconciliation at some point is a false one. I don't know if I can help feeling it after what he's said, but I'm not sure if it's somehow going to hold me back.

 

Anyway, this is day 2 of NC (for real, this time). People tell me that the first 3-4 are the hardest. We'll just have to see.

[silvermane187]

The only advice I can give at this point is not to start planning ahead when you're going to break NC. I did the same thing and built up false hope that my ex would respond a certain way. When it didn't happen I would suffer a major setback. It sounds like he made his choice, he knows how you feel, and nothing you can say will change his mind. IF he wants to get back together with you he will contact you.

[Infomercials]

Silver - Thanks for the advice! I've kind of been thinking that way even though I know I shouldn't. Right now, I'm just trying to set shorter term goals for this, so I won't get overwhelmed. I wasn't very clear this morning--I don't plan on breaking NC the day I finish up finals, but it's just I can't even think past that point right now, you know?

 

I think you're totally right, though. I think I'm not really doing well being alone right now because I always had this mindset like "Well, I'm not all that happy at the moment, but it's okay because in X hours/days/weeks (whatever it happened to be at the time), I'll see him again." If I cling on to those ideas, It'll hold me back no matter what happens between the two of us.

 

Well, slight update even though it's only been since this morning -- I almost broke down and contacted him this afternoon, but I stuck to it. I was doing pretty well all day, but suddenly I just had a moment where I felt totally compelled to do it even though I knew it wasn't the best thing. Does anyone have any strategies that help with those really intense moments? Any advice would be much appreciated!

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Well, today would've been our 4 year anniversary. Now it's day 3 of NC. I have a feeling he's going to make contact somehow, but no matter what he does, I have to and will ignore it. I'm already feeling bad enough today...that would just make it even worse.

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Day 5 of NC today. Also, exactly 1 month since the breakup. I'm not sure why I'm totally obsessing over these numbers, but I am. I'm still obsessing over a lot of things, I guess.

 

A lot of people on here have given what I think is great advice: work on yourself. I'm having trouble trying to start. I barely have enough energy to work on the things that I absolutely have to for school. My eating and sleeping habits are completely messed up. There are things I would like to do, but I can't find any motivation to do them. I mean, I feel completely pathetic just sitting around watching TV or sleeping all day when there are so many other things I could be doing, but most of the time I can't get myself out of bed or off the couch unless I have class. The crazy thing: through all of this, I've actually lost some weight. Not from doing anything productive, but from not eating enough. Most of the time, I have to force myself to eat anything. I don't notice if I skip meals at all. Sometimes it'll be nighttime before I realize that all I've had that day was a cup of coffee.

 

There are a million things that I could be doing that would be better for me. I just don't know where the hell my motivation is. I'd like it back...

 

I think I'm getting most frustrated because this isn't the person I am. I'm not this girl who stays in bed all day with a laptop watching bad TV shows. I used to have really healthy habits. I used to actually DO things. I look and feel like crap right now (I'm anemic, and I haven't really been watching my iron intake at all...which is just compounding everything else, I'm sure). I can't even get the motivation to walk to the store!

 

I just don't know what to do. I'm sure others have probably felt this way...does anyone have anything that worked for them? I need to break myself out of this pattern...I just don't know how.

[jeff2321]

I have been where you are after a 4 year relationship ended abruptly. I came home one evening and my girlfriend dropped the news on me that it was over -- I had bought an engagement ring that previous week and was going to surprise her with it. It only took her about 2 days to move 4 years worth of stuff out of our house and into an apartment at some unknown location. The house was gutted and I was devastated. The first 2-3 weeks I was suicidal and didn't want to live -- if you search for some of my posts back in August you'll see how insane I was.

 

Fast forward about 8 - 9 months and I am through the worst of it now. I still do have down days and I still do think about her, but NC (real) has helped me get over a lot of it.

 

My best advice I can give you is to take care of YOU. Avoid making any super serious decisions that can impact your life. Focus on getting through each day and tell yourself that "you will make it through this". You will make it through it... I am proof that you can do it...

 

It will not get better over night, the initial shock can last a few weeks to a few months. You will likely lose more weight and your eating habits will probably not go back to normal for awhile... at least mine didn't for at least a few months. It's hard to believe, but what you're going through is normal for a major breakup and a lot of your friends may not understand. Avoid confiding in mutual friends that will just report what you're going through to your ex.

 

Keep yourself busy and try and avoid emotional music and movies. If you need to cry, then do it and get it out. You will feel better getting out the emotion rather than leaving it bottled up inside. I'd avoid alcohol for at last 8 weeks as it is a depressant and can make you feel 100x worse the next day. I only got drunk one time right after the break up and it set me back at least a week.

 

Another thing to avoid is caffeine if possible -- I was so anxiety stricken after the breakup that I would stay up for days just shaking and my heart pounding from shock. The caffeine intake didn't help me at all so I just stopped that cold turkey.

 

My last piece of advice is to go NC. NC is very hard to do at first, but you must do it if you are going to heal from this. It is not healthy to continue staying in contact with someone that only causes you more hurt. Reading your posts, it sounds like you've done all that you can do in this relationship and at this point you need to care about you and remove the hurtful contact.

 

I have been NC nearly 10 months now and it is the single most important decision I have made. NC has allowed me to heal and to separate myself from my ex once I realized she was done. I got rid of facebook, emails, phone numbers, pictures, gifts, and even mutual friends. Without NC I would still be a suicidal wreck today. Take each day as it comes and give yourself a break and realize you're going through a loss and grieving process -- You are not going to be operating at your maximum performance for awhile and that is okay.

 

Another thing that I did that got me through this is to maximize my time around friends and family that I knew cared about me. This does not include mutual friends, but people that are completely disconnected from the relationship.

 

I hope these tips are helpful. I know what you are going through and I can tell you it will get better as each day passes. Just love yourself each day as much as you can and try not to be too hard on yourself. Oh and keep posting !

 

Jeff2321

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Jeff-

 

Thanks so much for all the advice and sharing your story. I'm just about a month out, and I can't really imagine myself in 8-9 from now, so it's wonderful to hear from someone who's there right now.

 

I keep hearing things from my family like "don't be sad," "there are more important things to worry about," things like that, but I just don't see it right now. I've been really frustrated by all of that.

 

I'm trying to take care of me. I'm just having trouble summoning the motivation to do so...yeah, there are plenty of things I could have and should have done today, but I pretty much just stayed in bed or watched movies.

 

But I think you're right, just trying to focus on getting through each day is the key. Whenever I think about the future, I think about the future that I imagined with him in it.

 

Well, in about a week and a half, my parents and my older brother are coming to visit me for the weekend. And, even better, the semester will be OVER.

 

I don't know if I could give up caffeine. I do know what you mean about feeling anxious, though...maybe it's worth a shot. I'm just worried I'd get major headaches every morning.

 

Trying to stick with NC, as much as I hate it right now.

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Update:

 

Broke NC. Feel like crap about it. Back on...this is day 2. Can't study for my finals because I just feel bad.

 

Really, though, I realized something. Keeping in contact with him isn't helping the chances for a reconciliation, which is what I want. He wants it too. I know that...he just needs time.

 

Or maybe he doesn't? I mean I can't help the fact that I truly think we're not done forever, but I have to figure out my own stuff right now...