Is it over?

[jaymz]

Here is my tale:

 

At present I have moved out of my house and gone to live with my parents on 25/4/2011 - I have only texted her this morning to let her know I will be calling the kids at 7 pm tonight to talk to them. We have been together for 15 years and married for 10, I am 34 and she is 32. We have 3 kids together, 7, 5 & 3.

 

I noticed my wife wanting to go out a lot more , around 3/4 times a week, since the beginning of Jan. She would come home in the early hours completely drunk. even when going around a friends house for a pamper party, she would be fully loaded on wine and I would be up half the night making sure she is ok (lots of being sick and hyperventilating), then up early with the kids.

 

She met someone at a night out in the beginning of march, met him a couple of times for coffee, they clicked and then one thing led to another and they were having a full blown affair.

 

I confronted her on Sunday 27th march about her behavior and the fact she only seemed happy when either down the gym or going out. it was then that she told me she loved me but was not in love with me. She said her head was messed up and didn't really know what to think. I was devastated.

 

I then researched why wives are unhappy, bought books, and then really started to have a good look at myself an my behavior. I am ashamed to say that I hadn't been an attentive enough husband at the emotional level. In my defense I didn't really know what I was doing wrong, when she had said in the past she was unhappy I did all the things that I thought would make her happy, as it turns out it didn't. I was barking up the wrong tree and she was not telling me where I was going wrong, we both did not communicate very well together. She thinks I made no effort and I feel I made loads of effort. We had moved into a big house last year and really stretched ourselves financially, I spent all year working and doing overtime to pay for it. We had agreed to this and new it would be hard but worth it, as this was our dream house and where we would raise the kids for next 25 years.

 

This lead to an uneasy 3 weeks where I tried to be much more emotionly attached to her: Trying to go to bed at the same time, lots of "I love u", kisses, hugs, showing my appreciate more etc, I did everything I could to show that I really did love her, appreciated her and wanted things to work out. The whole time she told me that it was unnatural and was not interested, I cried myself to sleep nearly every night, had no sleep and started to lose weight as I didn't want to eat.

 

I started to get suspicious of an affair when she went around a friends house mid-week (her friend is slightly unstable) to watch DVD's, she didn't get home until 01:30 and was drunk. I had the next day off work to spend time with her and kids, a package arrived for her. It was from a lingerie company, when I asked her what it was she said it was just some normal bras. When i looked at the delivery note, it was a sexy babydoll, I looked at it on-line and was. She later hid the package but didn't know I knew what it was. Secretly I hoped it was a treat for me!

 

The next day she told me she was going out with her friend (the one from the other night) and was it ok for her to stay the night to keep her company? Of course I said yes and told her what a great friend she was. That day I got a call from my mobile phone provider, they wanted to know if I was interested in getting an international call package due to spending £70 a month on international calls to Norway? we dont know anyone in Norway but I asked for the itemized bill copy to be sent to me at my work address. When i confronted her about it, she denied making calls and thought it must be a mistake - if it was then why didn't she flag it up with me when the bill came in? I come home from work early that day and saw what she was packing, the package was in the bag as well as toothpaste, why would you need toothpaste going to a friends house? It played on my mind all night.

 

Next day I got up and found an anonymous note had been put through the door, it had 3 mobile numbers on it. I called the first two and no reply, I called the third and spoke to the friend and asked to talk to my wife, she hung up. I called again and the phone was engaged, I called my wife and it was engaged. so I left a "where r u" voice mail and texts". I then got a text an hour later saying she was at her mums and would be back later. I then knew something was very wrong.

 

When she came round she still was trying the "nothing going on, my head is all over the place" line, eventually she admitted having an affair, told me it was physical, it had been going on since beginning of march etc. I was very numb that day, we acted as if nothing happened. But things started to make sense: She put a password on her phone but would tell me what it was, she then password her email and facebook account too, always had a feesable excuse for doing it but couldnt tell me what the new password was. This was odd and should have started alarm bells ringing but I loved and trusted my wife totally, and so respected her space and privacy.

 

On the Sunday we talked abit and I explained that I loved her very much and wanted to be together, she told me she wasn't sure as she had feelings for this guy and only saw me as a friend. We talked off and on all week about things. I offered to take her to marriage councilling to help her think clearly and work things out. She didn't really seem interested.

 

The next friday I got the call records, it showed calls to norway (even on valentines night) and calls to loads of other numbers I didnt recognise. I made a list and started to call them, everyone was a bloke, some hung up on me when I tried to find out more, others just said "speak to your wife". I left work early and confronted her, she was made about the calls record being sent to me without her permission. I told her she needs to answer me what the hell is going on, she told me then that she had been unhappy since august last year and was flirting with guys for attention and company, she wasnt sleeping around or having an affair then.

 

Later she said she was going to the pub with friends and wouldnt be back late. I woke up at 01:40 and she wasnt back, I texted her and she said she was at a night club and would be back soon. I woke up again 03:40 and texted her, she said she was waiting to get cab home. she eventually got back at 04:30, I asked where she had been and she repeated she was out with friends. I asked her to sleep on the sofa, she then got changed, packed a few items and said she was staying at her mums. I called her mums in the morning to see if she was ok, she wasnt there, she called me later and said she was with him and would be back later. I was devastated again, I hoped she would stop seeing him, get help and want to fix things.

 

Later that night we talked some more, she then told me she choose him but feels she has made a terrible mistake. I grabbed some bits and left the house. I came back the next day and we spoke again, she confirmed she feels she has made a terrible mistake but her heads it hurting and she cant think straight. I then told her that I couldn't live like this and she needs to sort her self out, I told her I am leaving her and will probably divorce her. I packed some bits and got my dad to pick me up, just before I left she gave me a big hug for 5 minutes and said goodbye.

 

She is going on a mini break this Saturday with a friend and her parents for 5 days. I told her she should use that time to think things through and then goto councilling afterwards, I said it should be on her own at first and then I can come later if needed.

 

At the moment the other man is married with 3 young children, he has not told he wife about the affiar but my wife believes he will. My wife has been very emotionally withdraw since the 27th march, so i cannot read her thoughts at all.

 

This week I have been looking at joingin a gym, getting cookery classes, clothes shopping, buying a bike, reconnecting with old friends and family, finding ways to get new circle of friends etc as I know I need to change back into the man I was.

 

I really love my wife, I now know what I was doing wrong and believe we can fix it together. It it over for us?

Edited April 27, 2011 by jaymz

[PegNosePete]

Dude, it's over. She is having multiple affairs and doesn't seem to care what the consequences of this are. She does not care about anyone but herself.

 

She is going on a mini break this Saturday with a friend and her parents for 5 days.

Are you sure? Cheaters lie, remember. She may well use that time to get up to all sorts of mischief. Even if her friend and parents say she is with them, she may be sneaking off in the night or for hours at a time, or on the phone to her other man all the time. Cheaters cheat. Do not trust them. You might want her to use this time to think but she is more likely seeing it as FREEDOM for a week!!!

 

This week I have been looking at joingin a gym, getting cookery classes, clothes shopping, buying a bike, reconnecting with old friends and family, finding ways to get new circle of friends etc as I know I need to change back into the man I was.

Good for you dude. You need to keep active and work on yourself. Tell everyone who will listen, about what is going on. Affairs thrive in secret. Bust it wide open.

 

I really love my wife, I now know what I was doing wrong and believe we can fix it together. It it over for us?

You know what YOU were doing wrong? Hang on a minute, were YOU the one who was banging other people or was it HER? You have a severe misplacement of blame here. It was HER who was doing wrong. Never forget that and don't let her tell you otherwise. There is NO excuse for cheating. It doesn't matter whether you believe you can fix it... it matters if SHE believes this. It is a long hard road and you BOTH need to be totally committed. If she is not going to pull her weight then it doesn't matter how much you can pull. You can't pull her share.

 

Play it cool for now dude. I assume you're in the UK from the way you wrote the dates. That means you are severely disadvantaged by moving out of the house. You need to get back in, otherwise you're going to be totally screwed in the divorce proceedings. Are you moving back in when she goes away this Saturday? If so then MOVE BACK permanently. If she tries to kick you out then DO NOT GO. If she wants space then SHE can get out. YOU have done nothing wrong.

[Woggle]

She is in the affair fog and to her you are nothing more than a roadblock standing in the way of her happiness. Not saying it true but that is how she sees you. I would start lawyering up and make sure you are protected for when things really get ugly.

 

Also don't blame yourself. You could have been the best husband that ever existed and chances this will still be going on. Women who pull this crap don't a good thing if it is standing right in their face.

[jaymz]

Dude, it's over. She is having multiple affairs and doesn't seem to care what the consequences of this are. She does not care about anyone but herself.

 

I was hoping not and the space would give us time to think about reconsilling.

 

 

Are you sure? Cheaters lie, remember. She may well use that time to get up to all sorts of mischief. Even if her friend and parents say she is with them, she may be sneaking off in the night or for hours at a time, or on the phone to her other man all the time. Cheaters cheat. Do not trust them. You might want her to use this time to think but she is more likely seeing it as FREEDOM for a week!!!

It is true, she is going with a friend couple and her parents. She will probably be on the phone to the other guy though.

 

 

Good for you dude. You need to keep active and work on yourself. Tell everyone who will listen, about what is going on. Affairs thrive in secret. Bust it wide open.

All my family know and 1 or 2 close friends. should I tell his wife? I dont want to force them together but to break things up.

 

 

You know what YOU were doing wrong? Hang on a minute, were YOU the one who was banging other people or was it HER? You have a severe misplacement of blame here. It was HER who was doing wrong. Never forget that and don't let her tell you otherwise. There is NO excuse for cheating. It doesn't matter whether you believe you can fix it... it matters if SHE believes this. It is a long hard road and you BOTH need to be totally committed. If she is not going to pull her weight then it doesn't matter how much you can pull. You can't pull her share.

She says I pushed her away over the years which is why she needed someone else to emotionally connect with.

 

Play it cool for now dude. I assume you're in the UK from the way you wrote the dates. That means you are severely disadvantaged by moving out of the house. You need to get back in, otherwise you're going to be totally screwed in the divorce proceedings. Are you moving back in when she goes away this Saturday? If so then MOVE BACK permanently. If she tries to kick you out then DO NOT GO. If she wants space then SHE can get out. YOU have done nothing wrong.

we have kids and I work all day. I dont think i could live with her. I dont want to upset the kids anymore than I have to.

[jaymz]

She is in the affair fog and to her you are nothing more than a roadblock standing in the way of her happiness. Not saying it true but that is how she sees you. I would start lawyering up and make sure you are protected for when things really get ugly.

Going to speak to someone next week while she is away.

 

Also don't blame yourself. You could have been the best husband that ever existed and chances this will still be going on. Women who pull this crap don't a good thing if it is standing right in their face.

She firmly blames me for not being emotionall and pushing her away. I do recognise that I havent been what she needed and its one of the things I am working on to fix, for myself and to ensure the next relationship, with her or not, is much better.

[Woggle]

If you were emotional you would be smothering her. In here eyes right now you can't do anything right.

[airsign]

Hi Jaymz

 

I feel for you mate, I am going through the same thing.

 

You should get back in the house if you can. You have been wronged so you have no reason not to be in the house. I am still in mine, and that at least gives you some security for now.

[jaymz]

How do you cope being in the same house?

 

Should I get her to sleep on the sofa?

 

I'm afraid I will end up looking after the kids all the time while she goes out.

 

I was also getting paranoid about texts on her phone.

 

I do want her back but feel that I could be hindering my chances by being belligerent.

[robf1971]

How do you cope being in the same house?

 

Should I get her to sleep on the sofa?

 

I'm afraid I will end up looking after the kids all the time while she goes out.

 

I was also getting paranoid about texts on her phone.

 

I do want her back but feel that I could be hindering my chances by being belligerent.

 

Ok, go read up on the laws of attraction.... STOP ACTING LIKE A WUSS (no disrespect intended)

 

Why do guys think moving out is right when your W is the one wanting out of the marriage?

 

Your words to her.

 

"Wife I'm moving back in" better still, just do it, move yourself back in to the master bedroom.

 

When she comes home, you say

 

"Wife, I will not live in an open marriage, either commit to MC stop your affair with total transparency or move out of the house. I will not tolerate this disrespect"

 

Anything less than a yes from her, pack her stuff up in boxes put them in the garage, tell her she has 2 weeks to find another place and you will even help with the moving (no need to be a jerk)

 

All this needs to be said in a calm but firm manner. Can you do it,? she will get real mad because she's been used to crapping on you, now you are finally standing up to her BS...

[PegNosePete]

I was hoping not and the space would give us time to think about reconsilling.

Well that is what you hope. But it's not what she hopes. She hopes it will give her a chance to talk to her OM for hours at a time without you being around to tell her off. To her it is an opportunity not to think about her future, but to have some fun in her present.

 

All my family know and 1 or 2 close friends. should I tell his wife? I dont want to force them together but to break things up.

That's a choice for you to make. Some people here will tell you yes, and others will tell you no. Some say it can help snap her out of her affair fog and therefore lead towards reconciliation quicker. Others say that you should concentrate on your own marriage and leave them to worry about theirs.

 

She says I pushed her away over the years which is why she needed someone else to emotionally connect with.

Dude, you need to SNAP OUT of this stupid belief!

 

SHE is entirely responsible for HER OWN actions.

 

You are BOTH responsible for your marital problems, 50/50. You are her husband, she should have TOLD you of the problems, not run off someone else.

 

But only SHE is responsible for cheating on you. It's HER HER HER choice to bang another guy and HER choice alone. You did not hold a gun to her head and neither did the OM or anyone else. SHE did it because SHE wanted to do it.

 

You need to understand that she is telling you it's your fault because she is GUILTY. She is doing what is called BLAME-SHIFTING. Making YOU out to be the bad guy because she cannot hold up her hands and say "I f*cked up". A cheater will often do ANYTHING to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions, and like any war, THE TRUTH is always the first casualty.

 

we have kids and I work all day. I dont think i could live with her. I dont want to upset the kids anymore than I have to.

You need to file for divorce then, and both live happy lives apart from each other. 2 happy homes are better for the kids than one unhappy one. Living with her while the divorce progresses or moving out is a choice only you can make. Just be aware that by moving out, you are disadvantaging yourself SEVERELY in the divorce proceedings. Why on earth should YOU be punished for HER actions? I would certainly advise that you use the time your wife is away, to SEE A SOLICITOR and find out about your rights and the consequences of your actions. Many will do a free initial consultation.

[robf1971]

At the moment the other man is married with 3 young children, he has not told he wife about the affiar but my wife believes he will.

 

TELL HIS WIFE. I wouldn't hesitate for one millisecond. Blow this out of the water man. Stand up for yourself!!

[mark982]

gotta agree with rob. she's in a fog, right now. you honestly need to report this to the other mans wife. he wil totally throw her under the bus. her little bubble will be burst.

[jaymz]

thanks. have just sent the wife a letter with the evidence I have.

 

Also made an appointment to see divorce solicitor in my area.

[jaymz]

Have read up on the 180 and laws of attraction, started to use them.

yesterday she was texting me loads as she wanted to talk to me. did eventually call her, spoke very briefly, didnt tell her my plans and then asked to speak to the kids. It seems she wanted me over today to watch the royal wedding together and was worried that i wouldnt be back on saturday to look after the kids when she went on holiday. she is in for a surprise when she gets back: a new positive and assertive me, the OM wife knowing about the affair, me armed with legal advise, moved back in and an ultimatum about our relation ship.

 

been out with a few friends this week. she found out about one night a knew who i was going out with, seemed very smug with that knowledge.

 

Going to buy that bike today, have organised a cycling buddy to go on trips with and get fit. feelin alot more positive today.

[jstobo]

Have read up on the 180 and laws of attraction, started to use them.

yesterday she was texting me loads as she wanted to talk to me. did eventually call her, spoke very briefly, didnt tell her my plans and then asked to speak to the kids. It seems she wanted me over today to watch the royal wedding together and was worried that i wouldnt be back on saturday to look after the kids when she went on holiday. she is in for a surprise when she gets back: a new positive and assertive me, the OM wife knowing about the affair, me armed with legal advise, moved back in and an ultimatum about our relation ship.

 

been out with a few friends this week. she found out about one night a knew who i was going out with, seemed very smug with that knowledge.

 

Going to buy that bike today, have organised a cycling buddy to go on trips with and get fit. feelin alot more positive today.

 

This is good, but do not beat yourself up when you crash down again. It will be normal. My situation started last November. I wasn't successful until a month ago when I really started the 180 tactics. From November to late March, I begged, pleaded, cried, changed myself, got in shape, told her how beautiful she was etc. etc. Nothing in her mind changed. I got the I love you, but not in love with you speech in November and again in late March. Now, my Wife never told me she wanted to be with the man she had an Emotional Affair with. Because of this, my situation could be different from yours and many others on here. Bottom line, my Wife no longer wanted to be married to me. A month ago, I accepted that. Stopped begging and pleading. One week ago, I went Low Contact. We have two kids, so I can't go NC. She noticed. She noticed quickly. For a month, I was a great friend to her and I never talked about us getting back together. I was simply a good friend. Suddenly, I went LC. She was satisfied she didn't have me as a husband, but losing me as a friend. She couldn't take that. So for the first time in six months, she has asked me to dinner.

 

I don't want to get your hopes up. But I do want to tell you, the sooner you implement the 180 and really stick to them, the sooner you will be happy. And maybe, just maybe, you'll see something different from your Wife.

[osurmin]

Let me know how telling the OW goes. I had a very similar situation happen, but I choose not to tell the OW.

 

Sometimes I feel that was a mistake - as I think she's still in the fog. Although I dont want her back now...

[airsign]

What's the latest jaymz ?

[jaymz]

I came back to the house and she has gone on the mini holiday. Just discovered that the OM has gone too. Betrayed by her again, her parents and some mutual friends. devastated.

 

Not sure what to do now, she is back wednesday.

[jaymz]

I guess that if she has gone on holiday with him and introduced to her parents, its pretty serious and I've been barking up the wrong tree these last two months.

 

Cant believe how selfess she is - and her parents.

 

Cancelled all her cards today. going to ignore all phone calls from her. waiting for someone to come over and look after the kids so I can go talk to the other wife.

 

She and her family are not welcome back into my house now. Whats the best way to deal with that? I have the kids and have taken some time of work but will have to go back at some point...

[airsign]

Hi Jaymz

Must be even harder with the age of the kids.Must be devastating when her parents are on her side too,despite all she has done to you.

 

Pretty similar with me,the m-in law even accused me of doing the same has w, this was within in half an hour of finding her in my home with OM!Seems as if they will stoop as low as possible,regardless. All very heartless and quite evil imo.

They are probably just trying to protect her,even though she is worthless for what she has done to you and the kids.

 

Are you going for full custody? I hope whatever you do you come out of this better. It has been longer for me,but I still have bad days. Would be good to speak to you, im in England ,are you in uk?

[mark982]

jaymz, as you said,you've been barking up the wrong tree for the last two months. now it's time to shift gears. gotta tell his wife. get good lawyer advice. cut her money train off as much as possible. from now on it's all about the kids. no more, no less.

[jaymz]

Hi Jaymz

Must be even harder with the age of the kids.Must be devastating when her parents are on her side too,despite all she has done to you.

 

Initially they were all pro marriage but they are the type of people to support their kids 100% even if it means a car crash, they did the same with their eldest son who lives a very un happy marriage with his wife who he had an affair with.

 

Pretty similar with me,the m-in law even accused me of doing the same has w, this was within in half an hour of finding her in my home with OM!Seems as if they will stoop as low as possible,regardless. All very heartless and quite evil imo.

They are probably just trying to protect her,even though she is worthless for what she has done to you and the kids.

 

Her dad told me he was ashamed of her behaviour over the course of this, seems it didnt last long.

 

Are you going for full custody? I hope whatever you do you come out of this better. It has been longer for me,but I still have bad days. Would be good to speak to you, im in England ,are you in uk?

 

I would love to go for full custody but I cant see how I can do it with my current job. I live in uk, south east.

[jaymz]

jaymz, as you said,you've been barking up the wrong tree for the last two months. now it's time to shift gears. gotta tell his wife. get good lawyer advice. cut her money train off as much as possible. from now on it's all about the kids. no more, no less.

 

 

This has been a big eye opener for me and at last free's me from wondering if she will change her mind/can I forgive & forget?/etc

 

Told the wife today, drove to her house and left a note as she wasnt in. she called me later and we chatted for a few minutes. She told me they had been having problems after last couple of months and he had been out all the time, tolder her it was the same for me. Said I was really sorry, she thanked me for being deceint and doing the righ thing to tell her. I told her she can call/text any time for help/support/evidence etc. I feel a lot better now, in the angry retribution stage.

 

I cancelled all her cards or reported them stolen, so she has no access to money now. I have to shift my cash into mu mums bank account as my new one still hasnt been setup yet! Once it is and all the DD are moved over, its gonna be payback time.

 

I will see the lawyer on tuesday morning to get a better idea of things. until then i am ignoring all calls from her, and will not let her back in the house, she has burned all bridges now and can go f**k herself. Hopefully the wife does the same. still need some more karma though.

[mark982]

i would cancel anything else in your name. her cell in your name? her car insurance in your name ? gotta go. got to make her see the relayity of her actions

[jaymz]

i would cancel anything else in your name. her cell in your name? her car insurance in your name ? gotta go. got to make her see the relayity of her actions

 

going through all that today. alot of stuff is in her name as we move ownership around to appear as new customers to get latest deals on stuff!

 

The OM wife called her husband yesterday while he was on the mini holiday, she said "why should they have all the fun?". He admitted everything to her. My w called me that day and left vm for me to call her back, have totally ignored her.

 

Seeing the OM wife today, she wants to chat and swap evidence. also like to catch up on how things are with her and her thoughts on her marriage with OM, wether its savable and if OM is interested in saving it.