Is it over?

[jaymz]

After dealing with more bank related fun I decided to have a think about what I did right, what I did wrong and where/how I am going to change:

 

Right:

• Took time off work for kids & her birthdays - rarely took mine off
  
• Always bought her a thoughtfull gift for birthday & xmas which she rarely liked but would always be using
  
• For her birthday i got a "meerkat experince" where she could play & feed a meerkat for an hour, great day out to the zoo with the kids and cousins
  
• Always bought flowers for special occasions and as an occasional treat
  
• Bought her nice gifts through the year (like jewlery, designer shoes etc which she would choose)
  
• For our 10 year anniversary last year I paid for us to go to Ibiza for a week and see Dizzee Rascal, paid for an anniversary party when we got back for 100 people and bought her a £400 dress to go to it in
  
• She would go on 4 holidays a year, mostly with her parents & the kids, i could only afford to go on one or two with them.
  
• Worked long hours and regular overtime to pay for the "dream house" and our lifestyle
  
• Cleaned the bathroom and hoovered the whole house every weekend
  
• Always did extra housework when asked to
  
• Always thanked her for dinner and did the dishes (even when i cooked or got a take-away treat)
  
• Mowed the garden every other weekend
  
• Would come home early from work if she was upset or needed help
  
• Would always try and see her side of things (I'm a typical Libra) and act accordingly
  
• Hold her hand when out together
  
• All round nice and generous guy
  

 

Wrong:

• Didnt tell her i loved her enough
  
• Didnt sit together on sofa and cuddle enough - we are both guilty of this
  
• Didnt go to bed at the same time - mainly due to my snoring which I have sorted out now
  
• When we were out she would always walk 3 foot ahead as I dawdle with the kids
  
• Tired with working long hours and didnt spend enough quality time with kids - this was more to do with last 18months/2years to get and keep the "dream house"
  
• Didnt do certain things with kids as they make a mess (this was her hang up and i should have put my foot down on this)
  
• Sometime work could take over evenings and weekends, especially if there was a crisis
  
• Never really sold myself more than I should have in the relationship
  
• Let her have too much control and make all the decisions
  
• Bottle things up
  
• Not learned how to communicate with her
  
• Not learned how to see warning signs that she was switching off
  
• Not learned her taste to "surprise" her with jewlery, designer shoes etc rather than her choosing it
  
• Be depressed about myself - so would be withdrawn at times
  
• Not the quickest to do my share of the household chores
  
• Would rarely dance with her
  

 

Changes:

• Be a lot more affectionate
  
• Communicate often
  
• No bottling things up - I am really now very open and feel a lot better for it
  
• Recognise and stop falling into any bad habits
  
• Buy pallate to reduce snoring - done
  
• Lose weight to stop snoring - lost 3 stone, another 4 to go
  
• Get fit with bike - bought bike but not used it yet (frightened wife will sell it)
  
• Join gym and get ripped for next summer
  
• Join dance classes to get confidence in dancing
  
• Join cookery classes to learn how to cook properly
  
• Join karate to get more confidence in myself
  
• Join an active club to get away for weekends (not sure, maybe climbing, boating, diving, etc)
  
• Increase circle of friends
  
• Buy my own house
  
• Learn how to shop for clothes
  
• Start dating
  

 

Looking through I think I can see where I "did" things that i thought showed my love but to her they didnt say that, it was more chore related. I will probably add more to the list as I think of them or when she yells them at me ;-)

Edited June 7, 2011 by jaymz

[robf1971]

After dealing with more bank related fun I decided to have a think about what I did right, what I did wrong and where/how I am going to change:

 

 

Right:

• Took time off work for kids & her birthdays - rarely took mine off
  
• Always bought her a thoughtfull gift for birthday & xmas which she rarely liked but would always be using
  
• For her birthday i got a "meerkat experince" where she could play & feed a meerkat for an hour, great day out to the zoo with the kids and cousins
  
• Always bought flowers for special occasions and as an occasional treat
  
• Bought her nice gifts through the year (like jewlery, designer shoes etc which she would choose)
  
• For our 10 year anniversary last year I paid for us to go to Ibiza for a week and see Dizzee Rascal, paid for an anniversary party when we got back for 100 people and bought her a £400 dress to go to it in
  
• She would go on 4 holidays a year, mostly with her parents & the kids, i could only afford to go on one or two with them.
  
• Worked long hours and regular overtime to pay for the "dream house" and our lifestyle
  
• Cleaned the bathroom and hoovered the whole house every weekend
  
• Always did extra housework when asked to
  
• Always thanked her for dinner and did the dishes (even when i cooked or got a take-away treat)
  
• Mowed the garden every other weekend
  
• Would come home early from work if she was upset or needed help
  
• Would always try and see her side of things (I'm a typical Libra) and act accordingly
  
• Hold her hand when out together
  
• All round nice and generous guy
  

 

Wrong:

• Didnt tell her i loved her enough
  
• Didnt sit together on sofa and cuddle enough - we are both guilty of this
  
• Didnt go to bed at the same time - mainly due to my snoring which I have sorted out now
  
• When we were out she would always walk 3 foot ahead as I dawdle with the kids
  
• Tired with working long hours and didnt spend enough quality time with kids - this was more to do with last 18months/2years to get and keep the "dream house"
  
• Didnt do certain things with kids as they make a mess (this was her hang up and i should have put my foot down on this)
  
• Sometime work could take over evenings and weekends, especially if there was a crisis
  
• Never really sold myself more than I should have in the relationship
  
• Let her have too much control and make all the decisions
  
• Bottle things up
  
• Not learned how to communicate with her
  
• Not learned how to see warning signs that she was switching off
  
• Not learned her taste to "surprise" her with jewlery, designer shoes etc rather than her choosing it
  
• Be depressed about myself - so would be withdrawn at times
  
• Not the quickest to do my share of the household chores
  
• Would rarely dance with her
  

 

Changes:

• Be a lot more affectionate
  
• Communicate often
  
• No bottling things up - I am really now very open and feel a lot better for it
  
• Recognise and stop falling into any bad habits
  
• Buy pallate to reduce snoring - done
  
• Lose weight to stop snoring - lost 3 stone, another 4 to go
  
• Get fit with bike - bought bike but not used it yet (frightened wife will sell it)
  
• Join gym and get ripped for next summer
  
• Join dance classes to get confidence in dancing
  
• Join cookery classes to learn how to cook properly
  
• Join karate to get more confidence in myself
  
• Join an active club to get away for weekends (not sure, maybe climbing, boating, diving, etc)
  
• Increase circle of friends
  
• Buy my own house
  
• Learn how to shop for clothes
  
• Start dating
  

Looking through I think I can see where I "did" things that i thought showed my love but to her they didnt say that, it was more chore related. I will probably add more to the list as I think of them or when she yells them at me ;-)

 

Jaymz

 

Do not beat yourself up over what you did wrong. No one's perfect not even your wife. If she had a problem with you she had 15 f'ing years to tell it to your face, instead she chose to act like a 2 bit w*ore.

[debtman]

jaymz, excellent!! The best thing you do can get out of this situation is learning about and improving yourself to avoid making those mistakes in the future. One thing for sure, she hasn't done anything to improve herself and will end up making the same mistakes in any relationship that she gets into.

 

Your list of good/bad things is very similar to my situation in my marriage and one thing I've learned, affection and communication is a two-way street. It's hard to be open with someone who judges and accuses you and makes you walk on eggshells to avoid arguments.

 

Sounds like you're making improvements in yourself and looking forward! Good work! Keep at it. You will be surprised how much it helps and, a few months down the road, once this insanity has passed, you'll be amazed at the opportunities that begin to present themselves and the confidence that you'll feel in yourself!

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[jaymz]

Jaymz

 

Do not beat yourself up over what you did wrong. No one's perfect not even your wife. If she had a problem with you she had 15 f'ing years to tell it to your face, instead she chose to act like a 2 bit w*ore.

 

I'm not beating myself up, its more an exercise in seeing where I went wrong and how to avoid doing the same things in the future with my next LTR. I still have a long way to go for many things but I want to at least start getting a plan together and start positive things for myself and my kids.

[jaymz]

jaymz, excellent!! The best thing you do can get out of this situation is learning about and improving yourself to avoid making those mistakes in the future. One thing for sure, she hasn't done anything to improve herself and will end up making the same mistakes in any relationship that she gets into.

Probably. I think the sad thing is i believe that all this could have been avoided if she had spoken to me back in August in a way i could understand and if I had listened to her or seen that I wasn't getting it. So a real 50/50 f*** up on this relationship.

 

Your list of good/bad things is very similar to my situation in my marriage and one thing I've learned, affection and communication is a two-way street. It's hard to be open with someone who judges and accuses you and makes you walk on eggshells to avoid arguments.

This is true. Because we didn't learn to communicate we would never listen to each other properly. I have learned this lesson the hard way but I have no idea if she has learnt anything at all. At times I feel she has burnt her bridge with me and so is keeping a close tab on scumbag to ensure he doesn't get cold feet about anything. They are moving too fast and are too close to do anything but breathe.

 

Sounds like you're making improvements in yourself and looking forward! Good work! Keep at it. You will be surprised how much it helps and, a few months down the road, once this insanity has passed, you'll be amazed at the opportunities that begin to present themselves and the confidence that you'll feel in yourself!

I hope so. This is why i wanted a basic plan so I knew what I wanted to do and would start as soon as i could. I didnt want to stand at the crossroads and not know where to turn.

[jaymz]

07/06/11 14:30 w arranges to take me to pick up kids from school. While in car waiting for school to finish she starts to have a go about my mum phoning scumbags work and complaining that he is not doing his job. She then says that as he is going to be the main provider for MY children, it wouldn't go well for him to lose his job. Then she went on about how great he is with kids etc. I cut her off and said that we aren't actually discussing anything and I don't need to hear how good she thinks he is, if he is having issues at work then he is clearly irresponsible.

 

07/06/11 16:30 go to my eldest birthday party, everyone behaves and has a good time

 

07/06/11 18:30 My parents, her parents go back to my house. All are acting normal and it does my head in. My mum gets really pissed off and leaves early. My brother comes round later and I chat to him about things, he sees first hand how everyone is acting normal until the w starts to act up as the kids are not doing what she says.

 

07/06/11 21:30 w leaves for the evening, will be back 06:30 tomorrow. She asks me if that's ok? What is it with stupid questions? If i said no would she stay?

[BlindRage]

After dealing with more bank related fun I decided to have a think about what I did right, what I did wrong and where/how I am going to change:

 

Right:

• Took time off work for kids & her birthdays - rarely took mine off
  
• Always bought her a thoughtfull gift for birthday & xmas which she rarely liked but would always be using
  
• For her birthday i got a "meerkat experince" where she could play & feed a meerkat for an hour, great day out to the zoo with the kids and cousins
  
• Always bought flowers for special occasions and as an occasional treat
  
• Bought her nice gifts through the year (like jewlery, designer shoes etc which she would choose)
  
• For our 10 year anniversary last year I paid for us to go to Ibiza for a week and see Dizzee Rascal, paid for an anniversary party when we got back for 100 people and bought her a £400 dress to go to it in
  
• She would go on 4 holidays a year, mostly with her parents & the kids, i could only afford to go on one or two with them.
  
• Worked long hours and regular overtime to pay for the "dream house" and our lifestyle
  
• Cleaned the bathroom and hoovered the whole house every weekend
  
• Always did extra housework when asked to
  
• Always thanked her for dinner and did the dishes (even when i cooked or got a take-away treat)
  
• Mowed the garden every other weekend
  
• Would come home early from work if she was upset or needed help
  
• Would always try and see her side of things (I'm a typical Libra) and act accordingly
  
• Hold her hand when out together
  
• All round nice and generous guy
  

 

Wrong:

• Didnt tell her i loved her enough
  
• Didnt sit together on sofa and cuddle enough - we are both guilty of this
  
• Didnt go to bed at the same time - mainly due to my snoring which I have sorted out now
  
• When we were out she would always walk 3 foot ahead as I dawdle with the kids
  
• Tired with working long hours and didnt spend enough quality time with kids - this was more to do with last 18months/2years to get and keep the "dream house"
  
• Didnt do certain things with kids as they make a mess (this was her hang up and i should have put my foot down on this)
  
• Sometime work could take over evenings and weekends, especially if there was a crisis
  
• Never really sold myself more than I should have in the relationship
  
• Let her have too much control and make all the decisions
  
• Bottle things up
  
• Not learned how to communicate with her
  
• Not learned how to see warning signs that she was switching off
  
• Not learned her taste to "surprise" her with jewlery, designer shoes etc rather than her choosing it
  
• Be depressed about myself - so would be withdrawn at times
  
• Not the quickest to do my share of the household chores
  
• Would rarely dance with her
  

 

Changes:

• Be a lot more affectionate
  
• Communicate often
  
• No bottling things up - I am really now very open and feel a lot better for it
  
• Recognise and stop falling into any bad habits
  
• Buy pallate to reduce snoring - done
  
• Lose weight to stop snoring - lost 3 stone, another 4 to go
  
• Get fit with bike - bought bike but not used it yet (frightened wife will sell it)
  
• Join gym and get ripped for next summer
  
• Join dance classes to get confidence in dancing
  
• Join cookery classes to learn how to cook properly
  
• Join karate to get more confidence in myself
  
• Join an active club to get away for weekends (not sure, maybe climbing, boating, diving, etc)
  
• Increase circle of friends
  
• Buy my own house
  
• Learn how to shop for clothes
  
• Start dating
  

 

Looking through I think I can see where I "did" things that i thought showed my love but to her they didnt say that, it was more chore related. I will probably add more to the list as I think of them or when she yells them at me ;-)

 

Those are pretty great "right" things.

[jaymz]

Feeling very down today after yesterday. Been mulling over the conversations that her parents had about complaining how expensive lego land was, hello? i'm still around ****ers.

 

W also told her brother that she will seem him Saturday. Its like I don't exist any more in their lives.

 

I am invisible.

[robf1971]

She then says that as he is going to be the main provider for MY children, it wouldn't go well for him to lose his job. Then she went on about how great he is with kids etc. I cut her off and said that we aren't actually discussing anything and I don't need to hear how good she thinks he is, if he is having issues at work then he is clearly irresponsible.

 

Ok there are 2 ways of stopping this nasty talk from her (remember thats all it is just talk). Each time she starts chatting to you. Pull out your voice activated recorder, press record. " Wife I hope you don't mind that I will be recording this conversation" Lol see how much she talks to you then.

 

It will shut her up good and proper. Each time she wants to chat about this your stock reply "You are welcome to speak to my solicitor about this"

[robf1971]

07/06/11 14:30 w arranges to take me to pick up kids from school. While in car waiting for school to finish she starts to have a go about my mum phoning scumbags work and complaining that he is not doing his job. She then says that as he is going to be the main provider for MY children, it wouldn't go well for him to lose his job. Then she went on about how great he is with kids etc. I cut her off and said that we aren't actually discussing anything and I don't need to hear how good she thinks he is, if he is having issues at work then he is clearly irresponsible.

 

Actually, your mum needs to stay out of this. However if I was you I'd write a letter of complaint to your wife's boss, telling them about the affair. Don't tell anyone, just do it!!

 

You think it's nasty?, this is war my friend? Your STBX and OM would see you on the street and with no access to your kids in a second. Strike hard, if OM looses his job I'll buy you a drink.

[marqueemoon4]

Actually, your mum needs to stay out of this. However if I was you I'd write a letter of complaint to your wife's boss, telling them about the affair. Don't tell anyone, just do it!!

 

You think it's nasty?, this is war my friend? Your STBX and OM would see you on the street and with no access to your kids in a second. Strike hard, if OM looses his job I'll buy you a drink.

 

this is whats terrifying to me.. my ex would cut me out of my sons life completely if she could get away with it. she thinks she's found a replacement for me.. we'll see.

[robf1971]

this is whats terrifying to me.. my ex would cut me out of my sons life completely if she could get away with it. she thinks she's found a replacement for me.. we'll see.

 

Actually it always catches up on them, whether it be 6 months, 1 year of 5 years. Life has a strange way of flipping 180 when it comes to these things. One day you will find someone better than your ex, then she will be the one feeling like you do.

[marqueemoon4]

Actually it always catches up on them, whether it be 6 months, 1 year of 5 years. Life has a strange way of flipping 180 when it comes to these things. One day you will find someone better than your ex, then she will be the one feeling like you do.

 

who knows... not likely in my situation.

[jamster]

Think jaymz is handling himself v.well,considering. Its good advice from rob,but he is only human,its in his face day to day,seems like he barely gets a break from it. He would have to be a robot to deal with this,tape recorders etc.

 

Nice threadjack mm4. You seem to have plenty to say on you're own thread!!

[marqueemoon4]

Think jaymz is handling himself v.well,considering. Its good advice from rob,but he is only human,its in his face day to day,seems like he barely gets a break from it. He would have to be a robot to deal with this,tape recorders etc.

 

Nice threadjack mm4. You seem to have plenty to say on you're own thread!!

 

hmm... not sure if it was a threadjack.. i was responding to what Rob said about how jaymz's wife and OM would cut him out of the loop as far as access to his kids and mentioned my situation which is very similar.

Edited June 8, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[robf1971]

who knows... not likely in my situation.

 

Lol I remember thinking the same about my situation. Take care of yourself then all will be ok whatever happens.

[robf1971]

Think jaymz is handling himself v.well,considering. Its good advice from rob,but he is only human,its in his face day to day,seems like he barely gets a break from it. He would have to be a robot to deal with this,tape recorders etc.

 

Nice threadjack mm4. You seem to have plenty to say on you're own thread!!

 

I think Jaymz is handling himself brilliantly also. In the UK the system is so heavily biased towards the mother getting custody, he needs to do this stuff to avoid getting screwed. It's no coincedence the fathers for justice group originated in the UK.

[robf1971]

Think jaymz is handling himself v.well,considering. Its good advice from rob,but he is only human,its in his face day to day,seems like he barely gets a break from it. He would have to be a robot to deal with this,tape recorders etc.

 

Nice threadjack mm4. You seem to have plenty to say on you're own thread!!

 

Also the point I'm trying to get accross is that firm actions are needed from Jaymz. He seems to feel bad about exposing to OM's work. I say the OM is cr*pping on jaymz, so Jaymz needs to fight back hard.

 

I never let anyone walk over me anymore, and guess what life is 100 times better, the same is true for anyone.

[willowthewisp]

Think jaymz is handling himself v.well,considering. Its good advice from rob,but he is only human,its in his face day to day,seems like he barely gets a break from it. He would have to be a robot to deal with this,tape recorders etc.

 

Nice threadjack mm4. You seem to have plenty to say on you're own thread!!

 

Was that really called for Jamster? People here are in pain and MM4 was just commenting on a post. I don't think the OP would mind, do you mind Jaymz?

[jaymz]

TBH i am too caught up with this sh*ite to worry too much about this. All advise and sympathy is very welcome.

 

I have tried to be much harder in this and not get walked all over, the stbxw is always running power plays to assert herself, often with the kids which makes it very difficult.

 

We both went to the bank today, despite me asking her which day/time was convenient to arrange the meeting and to bring ID, she had "forgotten" about it and "i should have reminded her". Led to her shout & screaming and calling be a c**t. Didnt get the recorder out in time...

 

We eventually went to bank. They wont do anything as the LTV is 78% and they wont do interest only mortgages above 75%.

 

stbx told me that she will pay the mortgage until we sell the house. I said no. She then told me that she is moving out on 16th&17th July and will be claiming full CSA maintenance and will not contribute a penny towards the mortgage. I have going to be so screwed financially now.

[debtman]

Yeah, the finances of the whole situation just suck...I'm signing over the check tonight for half of my monthly take-home pay to her. The other half goes to pay off the remainder of my debt (which will by GONE next April) and then I have to do extra work and take extra jobs to be able to afford to pay my mortgage and other bills...

 

Sucks having to tell your kids you can't afford to take them out to dinner or ice cream. Especially because you have no money because you're "spending it all on them" but they'll never know that because they just see that their mom seems to always have money to get them new toys, out to dinner, etc. She recently got a big screen TV, a Wii for them to play and takes them out to dinner all the time...while I'm turning off the water heater between showers, cancelled my cable, eating lots of rice & beans and watching every dime I spend.

 

BUT, it's ONLY money! I can ALWAYS afford to make dinner for my kids and serve them ice cream at home. I can ALWAYS afford to take them to a playground or spend an hour jumping on the trampoline with them. I can ALWAYS afford to take them camping in the backyard, build a fort with them, etc. and it's SOO much better than sticking them in front of the TV with video games.

 

The finances of it suck, but it's just money...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[marqueemoon4]

^^does this guy have the best attitude or what?^^

[robf1971]

. I said no. She then told me that she is moving out on 16th&17th July and will be claiming full CSA maintenance and will not contribute a penny towards the mortgage. I have going to be so screwed financially now.

 

Your reply to wife.

 

"Ok send that to me in an email"

 

Then walk away. Bet she won't lol,has she even even got a solicitor yet. It will be interesting how she will pull that off without legal counsel.

[robf1971]

and will not contribute a penny towards the mortgage. I have going to be so screwed financially now.

 

Actually if the house is sold you will receive from your wife half the value of the unpaid mortgage. I had a particularly vicious divorce in my first marriage so I can tell you this from experience. That will come back to bite her in the butt. All the same you probably need to chat to your solicitor about the legal ramifications of this.

 

If I was you when she moves out (fingers crossed) I'd get a lodger to take the spare room, that will see you right. I've done that in the past to make ends meet.

 

The million pound question is , does your wife have her ducks in a row?

[robf1971]

TBH i am too caught up with this sh*ite to worry too much about this.

 

Jaymz, OM may well be funding your STBX's lawyer, he is also paying to make your kids like him (ie legoland trips etc)

 

Find the MD of OM's company, send him an email and a registered letter. Many company's do not tolerate this ie infidelity. Whilst it's unlikely it will lose him his job the man will be placed under greater scrutiny. It might also make him give your wife the boot. Best case scenario OM gets the sack!!

 

This is a priority. you need to strike fast and hard before your wife has a chance to get herself together. Let her scream all all wants and call you a c**t. You say nothing and take strong actions.