debtman Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 jaymz, just remember this is a TEMPORARY situation. Things WILL get better and will start (and continue) to improve...at least for you... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 "Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain." - Kahlil Gibran Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 Its no good. he is round everyday I am at work, he even drops her off in the morning, waits for me to leave then goes in for breakfast. i dont know what i have done that is so bad to deserve all this? I know wasnt the greatest husband in the world but still, why me? why all this? why am i now invisible to her? Work are now annoyed due to me being late (because she refuses to come back home in times) and having time off. I just cannot cope with it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Don't give up, you have been doing great until this point. Have you told your employer what is going on? If they know then they will probably cut you some slack. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) Its no good. he is round everyday I am at work, he even drops her off in the morning, waits for me to leave then goes in for breakfast. i dont know what i have done that is so bad to deserve all this? I know wasnt the greatest husband in the world but i cetainly was far from being the worst, why me? why all this? why am i now invisible to her? To everyone? I am cursed to people avoid me, they dont want the disease. The kids are unsettled all the time. She puts herself first in everything. She is taking them away from me. I will never see them daily again. Never read to them daily again, ask how their day was, marvel at how they talk about things. Work are now annoyed due to me being late (because she refuses to come back home in times) and having time off. Man & boy I loved her. 15yrs. I loved her more now than when I did when we got married. So proud of her getting fit and happier in herself, proud she started running marathons for charity. I encouraged her at all times to achieve her goals. Put her first in everything. Before me and my needs, at all times. We made promises to each other. on our wedding day, when we decided to have kids. Betrayed. Betrayed and abandoned, like I am nothing. I just cannot cope with it anymore. Edited June 14, 2011 by jaymz Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Its no good. he is round everyday I am at work, he even drops her off in the morning, waits for me to leave then goes in for breakfast. i dont know what i have done that is so bad to deserve all this? I know wasnt the greatest husband in the world but i cetainly was far from being the worst, why me? why all this? why am i now invisible to her? To everyone? I am cursed to people avoid me, they dont want the disease. The kids are unsettled all the time. She puts herself first in everything. She is taking them away from me. I will never see them daily again. Never read to them daily again, ask how their day was, marvel at how they talk about things. Work are now annoyed due to me being late (because she refuses to come back home in times) and having time off. Man & boy I loved her. 15yrs. I loved her more now than when I did when we got married. So proud of her getting fit and happier in herself, proud she started running marathons for charity. I encouraged her at all times to achieve her goals. Put her first in everything. Before me and my needs, at all times. We made promises to each other. on our wedding day, when we decided to have kids. Betrayed. Betrayed and abandoned, like I am nothing. I just cannot cope with it anymore. Listen mate, There is only one way to deal with this. What your STBX is doing is just plain evil. Deep down she wants you to let her go. You can get her out of the house, no nastiness needed. This has to stop, Wife, I get it, you no longer love me, in fact I want you to be with OM. It's not healthy to live like this so I've packed your stuff in boxes (you need to really mean this). The trick is to say it nicely but firmly, she will go trust me. You need her out. I don't care about the law. In my first marriage I left the house. Legally I was entitled to walk back in but my solicitor qouted "possesion is 9 tenths of the law" and you can get arrested for breaking and entering. Let her go with good grace and nicely, when she's gone drop her like a bad habit. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 . Betrayed. Betrayed and abandoned, like I am nothing. I just cannot cope with it anymore. Yep, you feel betrayed, but you are among friends here. A lot of stuff I say sounds like BS but it isn't. Listen to me man Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Actually if I was you I'd drop her sh*t round OM's house with a note attached. The problem here is respect, she has zero for you. Sadly it seems once us guys finally do toughen up they come crawling back. I remember the first time I stood up to my wife in my first marriage. She ran off to Heathrow to try and get a flight. She called me in tears at 1am to pick her up, stupidly I did, then she carried on screaming at me. I pulled over on the hard shoulder of the M25 and told her "Scream at me once more then you can get out and walk home" (40 miles). That was the start of a huge change in our relationship, she began to respect me. In the end it was my choice and I divorced her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 13/06/11 19:40 After reading kids story and put them to bed, they tell me scumbag had been over twice today, once in the morning for breakfast and then again at their tea time. So depressed at the moment. 14/06/11 06:50 w late back again 14/06/11 19:30 I get home and w wants to "talk about us potentially losing the house", i told her it will happen or not, bathed the kids and then packed my suitcase for a work trip. She went out and said she would be back in the morning. I still feel so depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 Thank you all for your words, i really appreciate it. I am at my lowest point so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Really, so sorry, Jaymz. I don't pray a lot, but God knows me , so I'll say a little prayer for you tonight that you can feel even a little bit better this week. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Be strong Jaymz.. you will get through this - I promise. Some days are worse than others as you know.. it's f'ing hard, each day is a struggle but you will make it out on the other end. So far you have shown a lot of strength, you are just having a weak moment and will get back on track I am certain of that. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 13"talk about us potentially losing the house", Jaymz, your reply needs to be " Our solicitors will handle it" or "Here's my lawyers number" Trust me use that response every time, pretty soon she will stop bothering you. Has she got a solicitor yet? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 So depressed at the moment. At the moment, my friend, at the moment. There will be a time when you are at the top again in the not too distant future. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 13/06/11 19:40 After reading kids story and put them to bed, . Do not underestimate the value of this time. Kids don't care about all this legoland crap. Honestly my kids get the same enjoyment kicking a ball around in the park with me as a trip to any theme park. Your kids will grow up knowing the score, who abandoned them, who was really there for them. You don't even have to say a bad word about your stbxw to them. She doesn't know it right now but she is destroying her future relationship with your kids. I've seen it time and time again... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 15/06/11 06:50 She arrives late again 16/06/11 23:50 I get home from work and she is still up but her friend has gone to bed. I notice there are 5 dinner plates and cutlery on the side, she has had scumbag over for dinner with her friend and parents. She comes into my office and asks if I need anything, I say no and she then goes on about mind games dont work with her now? not sure wtf she is going on about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 At the moment, my friend, at the moment. There will be a time when you are at the top again in the not too distant future. I hope so Rob. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 Do not underestimate the value of this time. Kids don't care about all this legoland crap. Honestly my kids get the same enjoyment kicking a ball around in the park with me as a trip to any theme park. Your kids will grow up knowing the score, who abandoned them, who was really there for them. You don't even have to say a bad word about your stbxw to them. She doesn't know it right now but she is destroying her future relationship with your kids. I've seen it time and time again... This i know will be true. I try and spend as much quality time with them actually doing stuff as possible. They really do enjoy it even if they don't say. My little girl will often just want a kiss while I'm playing with her. The boys are constantly wanting hugs and to try and beat me with their "moshi monsters" games, or asking me questions about WW2. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 16/06/11 06:30 Kids are up and i speak to them. The eldest tells me that scumbag was over last night for dinner, he also tells me that nannie (the w mother) told him not to tell me about scumbag coming over as it upsets me. I told the eldest that he doesn't have to keep secrets and he can tell me anything, I will never be angry or upset with him - he seemed happy with that. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 16/06/11 06:30 Kids are up and i speak to them. The eldest tells me that scumbag was over last night for dinner, he also tells me that nannie (the w mother) told him not to tell me about scumbag coming over as it upsets me. I told the eldest that he doesn't have to keep secrets and he can tell me anything, I will never be angry or upset with him - he seemed happy with that. Your W involving the kids in this is absolutely DISPICABLE behaviour on her part. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 I hope so Rob. I know so........ Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 15/06/11 06:50 She arrives late again 16/06/11 23:50 I get home from work and she is still up but her friend has gone to bed. I notice there are 5 dinner plates and cutlery on the side, she has had scumbag over for dinner with her friend and parents. She comes into my office and asks if I need anything, I say no and she then goes on about mind games dont work with her now? not sure wtf she is going on about. Jaymz you need to do what I said, your wife wants you to let her go, just do it in a nice way. This is MASSIVE disrepect of the highest order, you need to draw a boundary. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 Spoke to my solicitor today, she has sent another letter about the w behaviour and her mothers behaviour, so will see what happens with that. I asked about getting an occupation order, but don't have anywhere enough evidence to have a court grant it: http://www.compactlaw.co.uk/free-legal-information/injunctions/domestic-violence-injunctions.html Can't throw her out, it would so go against me and solicitor advises very strongly against it. So not really much I can do from the legal point. I spoke to social services today, they are not that interested either but have logged my concerns. I will write them a long letter later so they have everything that has happened so far. Making an appointment to see the kids headmaster next week, going to flag the kids behaviour to the school so they are aware. This will then be flagged back to social services too. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 jaymz, When I spoke with the counselor and teacher at my daughter's school I was overwhelmed at how prepared they were to help and how great the support was. My daughter got into a program specifically for children of divorce, adoption, deploying parents, etc. and does some great activities on dealing with emotions, problem solving, etc. Also, the counselor was able to give me some great advice on dealing with the kids, talking with them, etc. I was lucky that the state I'm in doesn't have any issues around possession and occupancy with the marital home, so I was able to move out to stay with my parents within a month of my wife telling me the M was over, so I didn't have to deal with being there while OM was coming and going. I would see his car there when I was dropping off/picking up the kids, so I know how you feel as far as him being in your home, around your kids, with your wife, etc. Unpleasant stuff... But, I'll say it again...he did you a favor...Without him, you might have been stuck in a relationship for many more years with a woman who would drop you at the next convenient time for her and you would be that much older and have that many fewer opportunities. It sucks to not have as much time with the kids and miss out on big parts of their lives, BUT, I feel that they will get to know ME much better and they will know that they can talk about ANYTHING with me without the judgement, frustration and scolding that they will get from my stbx. In the end, I know I will be happier and the kids will be better off. Hang in there, be strong, remember that all the civility and calmness that you're displaying now is all about the kids and they're totally worth it. Don't let your W bother you, she's not worth it. She's done you a huge favor. You WILL find a whole world of possibilities and options out there once things get worked out and you WILL be happier than you can forsee at this point... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 So not really much I can do from the legal point. . Does your wife have a solicitor? Link to post Share on other sites
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