Is it over?

[jaymz]

Just got back from a great trip in Germany to watch the David Haye fight. Had a great friday night on the Reeperbahn, and saturday was good fun aprt from DH losing in bad style, klitschko being a boring boxer and it raining in an open air stadium!

 

W had agreed on thursday (30/6/11) to stop all the basty solicitor letters etc and actually be more adult about the whole thing. I sent her a list of things we needed to do and sort out, as well as practical things like times with kids when she moves out. I told her if she is serious about this then she needs to agree to the list and sent it to my solicitor as well as a withdrawl of all allegations she has made. I will then do the same.

 

She didnt write back until sunday and had a couple of stupid questions, basically just ignoring everything I said and probably keeping my sweet until she moves out.

 

Came back home today, was late due to traffic. She was angry and started to have fight, accusing me of lieing etc, I just told her I have not lied about anything, I have choosen not to tell her all that I am doing. She left to go to her BF house.

 

The house has been started to be packed up. Its very weird looking at the boxes of stuff and what she has choosen to take. Its all material stuff and leaving all the sentimental sutff behind.

[robf1971]

The house has been started to be packed up. Its very weird looking at the boxes of stuff and what she has choosen to take. Its all material stuff and leaving all the sentimental sutff behind.

 

Hey!! Glad you had a good weekend.. Trust me this is great news, it means she's really going and you won't have this thrust in your face anymore.

[robf1971]

Just . Its all material stuff and leaving all the sentimental sutff behind.

 

Just be warned, at some point OM is going to dump your wife. It's usually when he realises that the woman is serious, you will be her back up plan and she will try and crawl her way back in.

[robf1971]

, accusing me of lieing etc, .

 

Lol can your wife spell the word hypocrite.

 

Anyway keep going with all that camera and surveillance stuff. Especially when she's left. It's unfortunate you can't change the locks, or can you if she has left on her own accord?

 

I really wouldn't put it past her to plant drugs in your place. Wasn't OM a druggie or something. Sounds like a real prize

[findingmeagain]

Jaymz you are way too good for your wife. I know it's hard, but you will do so much better at the end of the day when it's all over and you get to walk away from her as a free man. You dodged a bullet in this relationship by her walking away. You will find someone so much better in the future, I can feel it!! Good luck and stay strong!!!

[jaymz]

I dont think he is going to dump her yet, maybe 6months to 2 years if it happens at all. I certainly will not be entertaining the idea of having her back then.

[jaymz]

04/07/11 w was late back again making me late for work. She agreed to everything in the email and I asked her to get her solicitor to sort out the letter to mine. In the evening I went to a work touch rugby match as I had joined the team, very good fun. Despite me telling w i will be back late she again had a go and accused me of lying. I smiled and said "see you in the morning"

 

W had done more packing. she is taking the china we got for our wedding - and only used once.

 

05/07/11 w late back again this morning.

 

Spent today feeling very depressed about the whole thing. I just cant believe what has happened, its unreal, nothing will be the same ever again. I have lost my best friend, my family, my life. Its so unfair. I cant believe someone I loved so much and who I thought loved me so much could do such a thing.

[debtman]

Spent today feeling very depressed about the whole thing. I just cant believe what has happened, its unreal, nothing will be the same ever again. I have lost my best friend, my family, my life. Its so unfair. I cant believe someone I loved so much and who I thought loved me so much could do such a thing.

 

 

You're right, nothing will ever be the same again, but it can still be very good, better even...and, change your perspective here. She was NOT your best friend. Your best friend would NEVER treat you like she has. She would never treat your children and family the way she has. She is no longer who you thought she was and had convinced yourself that she was. You have lost the "perception" you had of your best friend and now you have the opportunity to really find that person...it will happen eventually and you will be in a better position to appreciate that and build a strong relationship without the downfalls that you learned about in this one.

 

She did you a favor by revealing her true colors to you. She is a cheater, a liar and incredibly selfish to make the choices she did. You are better off and OM has no idea what he's in for.

 

You have NOT lost your family. You will miss out on some time with your kids, but you will also have the amazing opportunity to bond with them on a level that you could have never done while you were married. You will have more individual time with them where you can give them your full attention. Since she is already spending her time and attention on OM, she won't be able to do that...and the kids will appreciate that.

 

I really missed my kids the night of the 3rd, watching fireworks. Yesterday I sent my wife an e-mail saying that I'd like to see them at some point if it was convenient (I knew she had plans with them and OM to go to an amusement park). My daughter told her that she wanted to spend the day with me and we had an incredible time playing in the pool, on the trampoline and outside for hours, that would have never happened before because I would have too many things on my "to do" list. My son ended up going to the amusement park with W and OM, but I felt good knowing that he was having fun and that, as he gets older, he will see what my daughter sees and want to spend more time with me.

 

You have NOT lost your life. You are STILL very much alive, get out there and live it. Every day you spend depressed and wallowing is a day that you're missing out on. I spent much of Sunday with my step-aunt who has end-stage lung cancer and has weeks to live and it made me even more resolute to make every day WORTH living. Don't waste a second of it, especially on your W, she is SO not worth it and there are LOTS of women out there who are...I've already met 3 amazing ones and am just enjoying doing things with them as friends and getting to know them better. I can assure you that I won't do what I did before and jump into a relationship/marriage with someone without getting to know them VERY well.

 

I know it sucks, but you're still in the worst part, starting to head towards the end of that though. It DOES get better...trust me.

 

Life is an incredible adventure.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[jaymz]

Thanks debtman.

 

I am starting to do things for myself now. I have joined a touch rugby team and now play a game every Monday night. I have started doing some circuit training in my home to continue to lose weight and get fit again. The stbxw is moving out next Tuesday so I can get my bike and start to go on some evening rides with a friend and hopefully look at joining a cycling club.

 

I have spent this evening looking at local dancing classes, cookery and karate. All to help build up my confidence and get my old self back.

 

I am doing things, hopefully the right things for me but during the quiet times my mind wanders and starts to reminisce. I don't want to. i try and fill my days but i guess the heart wants what it cant have.

 

05/07/11 13:30 Get call from w, the eldest had pushed over a younger boy and broken his collar bone at school yesterday. I told w that I will have a word with him when i get back.

 

05/07/11 19:40 w starts a huge row with me over nothing as usual (she asked for some money for kids school dinners, they usually have packed lunch, i told her i don't have any money on me and she went mental about me using kids against her - i tried to explain that if she let me know I would have got some cash out but no, I'm a terrible parent and the kids should hear the truth, yes, her twisted version of it). She actually starts to call me nasty names and then physically attacks me in front of the kids! The middle child calls her a loser and tells me to call the police! Her behaviour is unbelievable.

I tell her I'm not interested in the conversation and take kids up stairs for their bath, she then starts to throw my clothes outside the house and jumps up and down on them? What a crazy thing to do. So i grab my clothes and tell her I'm going to do the same with her underwear draw, she absolutely explodes! Goes mental in front of the kids, calls me all sorts of names (like evil, selfish etc) I tell her that it describes her perfectly and I'm not interested in this conversation but she keeps going on and on. I keep smiling at her and tell her I'm not interested, eventually she gives up and leaves but tells me she is not interested in discussing the finances or what furniture she is taking next week - we arranged to go through it Wednesday evening.

 

I know I should have called the police (sorry rob), but I just don't want to put the kids through that again. They have seen the police turn up too many times and I just don't want them to see their mother dragged away. I want to be the bigger and better person.

 

The kids were 100% behind me when the argument was happening. This really did upset the stbxw as they were having a go at her. She accused me of poisoning their minds against her, she has no clue that its her behaviour that the kids see. I am always calm with them, talk to them, ask them questions, let them ask me questions, re-assure them at all times they are loved. After stbxw left for the evening i took the boys to one side and spoke to them again about things. I told them that when they go I will give them a present each, a photo of just me and them, they can then keep the photo by their bedside and say goodnight to me every night. they seemed very pleased with that and looked forward to doing the photos this weekend.

 

Earlier she had asked me to look after the kids for 2 days in august as she will be in hospital to have a hernia operated on. Part of me wants to have the kids for two days but the other part wants to say no and let her make her own arrangements. Not sure what the best thing to do is.

[robf1971]

Thanks debtman.

 

). She actually starts to call me nasty names and then physically attacks me in front of the kids! The middle child calls her a loser and tells me to call the police! Her behaviour is unbelievable.

I tell her I'm not interested in the conversation and take kids up stairs for their bath, she then starts to throw my clothes outside the house and jumps up and down on them? What a crazy thing to do. So i grab my clothes and tell her I'm going to do the same with her underwear draw, she absolutely explodes! Goes mental in front of the kids, calls me all sorts of names (like evil, selfish etc) I tell her that it describes her perfectly and I'm not interested in this conversation but she keeps going on and on. I keep smiling at her and tell her I'm not interested, eventually she gives up and leaves but tells me she is not interested in discussing the finances or what furniture she is taking next week - we arranged to go through it Wednesday evening.

 

I know I should have called the police (sorry rob), but I just don't want to put the kids through that again. They have seen the police turn up too many times and I just don't want them to see their mother dragged away. I want to be the bigger and better person.

 

The kids were 100% behind me when the argument was happening. This really did upset the stbxw as they were having a go at her. She accused me of poisoning their minds against her, she has no clue that its her behaviour that the kids see. I am always calm with them, talk to them, ask them questions, let them ask me questions, re-assure them at all times they are loved. After stbxw left for the evening i took the boys to one side and spoke to them again about things. I told them that when they go I will give them a present each, a photo of just me and them, they can then keep the photo by their bedside and say goodnight to me every night. they seemed very pleased with that and looked forward to doing the photos this weekend.

 

Earlier she had asked me to look after the kids for 2 days in august as she will be in hospital to have a hernia operated on. Part of me wants to have the kids for two days but the other part wants to say no and let her make her own arrangements. Not sure what the best thing to do is.

 

It's ok lol. FYI you did great

 

Your wife doesn't even realise that in a few years her own kids may very well not want to know her. Ignoring her cr*p was very good. (I would have called the police lol) Ohh and before you ask I had a mega crazy ex wife in my first marriage who attacked me.

[jaymz]

06/07/11 06:50 w back late again, i say good bye and leave. She text me 10 minutes later and still wants to talk tonight.

 

06/07/11 21:05 I get home from work - someone threw themselves in front of a train so I was delayed 3 hours.

 

06/07/11 21:30 We have our discussion for about an hour before she leaves to see scumbag. On the whole it went fine, discussed finances and what stuff she is taking when she goes. At the end she said sorry and knows that I will always hate her but hopes that hate will fade. I told her that due to her behaviour I have no respect for her at all and am completely indifferent to her. I just want to be a great co-parent and that is all my involvement with her.

[jaymz]

07/07/11 06:50 w back late again. She went back with scumbag last night, told me she was staying at her mums. more lies. As i left this morning I could see his car parked down the road. he was waiting for me to go so he could get into the house. unbelievable.

 

I am so depressed. work are really unhappy with my performance over last few months even though they are fully aware of my situation. Just more pressure I just dont need.

 

w is not going to do anything to help sell the house. I am expected to oraganise new estate agents, pay for furniture if we get lodgers - but she wants to vet them and doesnt want my kids in the same house as strangers - WTF!!! Shes happy for my kids to move in with a junkie scumbag that she bearly knows!!

 

Just cannot snap out of it. Its exactly like mourning but the person is still alive and sticking a knife in your back.

[robf1971]

07/07/11 06:50 w back late again. She went back with scumbag last night, told me she was staying at her mums. more lies. As i left this morning I could see his car parked down the road. he was waiting for me to go so he could get into the house. unbelievable.

 

I am so depressed. work are really unhappy with my performance over last few months even though they are fully aware of my situation. Just more pressure I just dont need.

 

w is not going to do anything to help sell the house. I am expected to oraganise new estate agents, pay for furniture if we get lodgers - but she wants to vet them and doesnt want my kids in the same house as strangers - WTF!!! Shes happy for my kids to move in with a junkie scumbag that she bearly knows!!

 

Just cannot snap out of it. Its exactly like mourning but the person is still alive and sticking a knife in your back.

 

Actually, I think you should let your wife do the vetting of any lodgers. Let her do some work for a change. I also think you shouldn't sell your house. Do not give your wife anything more than you legally have to. It will be very telling if she brings OM back when she's moved out, just to rub it in your face.

 

I would change the locks when she goes, if it's legal or not. Chances are, she won't try and come back. If she calls you out on it just say someone tried to break in so I had to change the locks. My first wife did that to me (changed the locks) and my solicitor told me "possesion is 9 tenths of the law, she was wrong to change them but there is nothing I can do"

 

If she tries to break in have her arrested for breaking and entering.

[willowthewisp]

Jaymz

 

As hard as it is you are going to have to find a way to cut her off from your emotions. You have no control over her behaviour and the more interaction you have with her the more hurt you are going to get.

 

I only strated to heal when I went NC with my ex. I know you can't because you have children so you are going to have to find a way to cut what she does off. She is a spiteful and nasty women. OK so she doesn't wnat to be with you anymore, so go, go and be with OM if that is what she wants but this constant tirade of emotional abuse she is inflicting upon you is just evil.

 

Like i said, you can't do anything to change her behaviour, so just deal with what you have to. So if you have to arrange estate agents, do it, if you have to get new furniture for lodgers, do it. Just do whatever you have to and think of it as being able to remove this evil women from your life.

 

And, get to court for the divorce asap, call your solicitor daily if you need to and get her on it, you need out of this marriage and the sooner the better.

[jaymz]

07/07/11 Went and spent night at parents house. W couldn't wait to get me out of the house so took as long as possible, scumbags car was parked down the road - it had been there all day as i noticed it in the morning when i left for work

 

I was late home on Wednesday evening, took over 3 hours and 3 trains because someone had thrown themselves in front of a train. I spent that 3 hours jealous of that person, no more pain/worry/fear...

 

08/07/11 Feel better today. I guess the house being packed was a trigger that set off my depression again. I kinda come to the conclusion that i just dont like my stbxw anymore and am becoming indifferent to her now. I miss the relationship we had, not the person.

 

I have the kids this weekend, the weather looks **** so may have to spend the time indoors - i hate this as its not as much fun as going to the park or beach with them and I have no money for treats like the play centre etc. Will call around and see what everyone else is doing, need to get out with them. spend proper time together.

 

Monday night i have touch rugby again, after work at 8pm, few beers after then get back - should keep me busy.

 

Tuesday night i have paintball with 40 people from work. again back late but this time to an empty house, not looking forward to that.

 

Planning on getting stuff for the house this weekend and sort out getting lodgers.

 

I got a letter from the bank. I complained to their CEO that as my LTV was 3% out I cant change to an interest only mortgage or a cheaper mortgage. I have banked with them for 15 years and it means FA.

[jaymz]

The kids were talking alot about them moving to the new house with mummy and her boyfriend. The eldest told me that mummy said i act like a teenager and that's why she doesn't like me any more and got a new boyfriend, wtf is she telling them?

 

They asked me if i had a girlfriend, i told them no and I didn't want one as i want to spend all my time with them.

 

They also told me that she is always on the phone to scumbag moaning about me. So funny. I hope he gets sick of hearing about me.

 

She told kids she was away with work this weekend, I told them she was with her boyfriend. Why does she lie to the kids?

 

The kids also told me they were very sad as mummy said they could not see me everyday. it broke my heart. I told them that they can phone me when ever they wanted, we would have lots of weekends together and other ocasions and also i was going to get them that photo of me and them to keep by their bed.

 

This is so hard.

[robf1971]

The kids were talking alot about them moving to the new house with mummy and her boyfriend. The eldest told me that mummy said i act like a teenager and that's why she doesn't like me any more and got a new boyfriend, wtf is she telling them?

 

They asked me if i had a girlfriend, i told them no and I didn't want one as i want to spend all my time with them.

 

They also told me that she is always on the phone to scumbag moaning about me. So funny. I hope he gets sick of hearing about me.

 

She told kids she was away with work this weekend, I told them she was with her boyfriend. Why does she lie to the kids?

 

The kids also told me they were very sad as mummy said they could not see me everyday. it broke my heart. I told them that they can phone me when ever they wanted, we would have lots of weekends together and other ocasions and also i was going to get them that photo of me and them to keep by their bed.

 

This is so hard.

 

Your wife does not understand that kids are like sponges, she does not understand that when they are 25 they (your kids) will remember this as clear as day, whatever nasty little spin she puts on this. She does not understand how intelligent kids are. Your kids will notice that for some reason you are not the one saying nasty things about your Wife, you are not the one chasing OW all over town.

 

If she carries on like this she will be the one this is so hard for in the future, wondering why her kids won't call and don't want to know her. You will be the one who they turn to for love and support.

[jaymz]

9/7/11 Lazy morning then spent the afternoon down the park. went to my parents for dinner and met up with my brother and his girlfriend. She is super nice and great with kids (primary school teacher) the whole family want him to marry her and not muck it up. W called kids while we are singing and clapping with the kids, complained about the noise!

 

10/7/11 The little one was sick as a dog so spent the whole morning cleaning up, washing the floors and giving lots of cuddles. Did mean a lazy afternoon with the kids but they seem to be enjoying themselves and i'm splitting up my time between them all.

 

The house is pretty much packed up now. Now things have slowed down this afternoon, i'm thinking about things again. The kids are asking me difficult questions and its hard to be positive and upbeat with them, reassure them everything will be ok - when inside i just want to die. They dont want mummy to go to a new house, they dont want to go to a new house, they love it here with mummmy & daddy. I just dont know what to say to them, i can only tell them that they are great kids, they are not to blame and I love them very much. i dont know what else to do.

 

Not looking forward to coming home tuesday, the house will be empty of everything i love.

[worlybear]

Oh Jaymz, Hang on in there , you're doing just fine- the kids know that you put them first and that you care about them. Keep posting, we're all here for you.:bunny:

[debtman]

jamz,

I certainly understand, dealing with the kids is the hardest thing ever. I went down this weekend to my stbx's family because they had brought the kids down for a few days to play with their cousins and I spent two great days down there with them (with them all saying how they missed me and how odd OM was) and I flew back up with the kids today and we had a fabulous day on the planes and in the airports and, when we got to their mom's house my 4-year old son told her that he didn't want to leave me. Made me feel good, but 5 minutes later they came running out of the house because OM was playing chase with them and they were getting away. I got in my car and left as fast as I could...

Hang in there, the kids need you and she isn't worth a second thought...OM will regret his decision eventually and she will as well, even if she never admits it...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[robf1971]

Not looking forward to coming home tuesday, the house will be empty of everything i love.

 

Forgive my lack of knowledge of UK law but is she allowed to up and leave with the kids for no good reason?

[jaymz]

Thanks guys, feeling better today - finally acepted this stage is going to happen. probably be many more down the road but hopefully i wont be so emotionally invloved and will therefore cope better.

 

Rob: Yes she can, unfortunately.

[jaymz]

11/7/11 17:30 w is texting me asking when i will be home to look after kids. i reminder her that i have a work thing on and will be back late as I told her two weeks ago. Usual calling me a liar etc and gotta make sure I'm back. I ignore her and call her parents to explain that i am back late and can they ensure the kids are put to bed? They say sure.

 

11/7/11 23:30 come home and scumbag is on the drive smoking, so i wait for him to get in his car and leave before walking to the house. he doesnt see me and i wonder why i did that? w leaves house pretty much straight away and doesnt say anything which suits me. I go to use the washing machine and its full of scumbags clothes! unbelievable! I stay up until 02:30 before i feel tired enough to sleep

 

12/7/11 06:50 w back late again. tells me she is leaving me the kettle. I go to leave the house and she looks at me expecting me to say something? But honestly whats the point, i think she will get off anything i say so i just say goodbye and leave for work.

 

Still not looking forward to going home tonight. I am going to a paintball game after work so by the time I get back i will just want a shower and bed. I feel better last couple of days so have accept this stage. The next i have to look forward to is selling the "Dream home" and getting the divorce finalized.

[robf1971]

. The next i have to look forward to is selling the "Dream home" and getting the divorce finalized.

 

Ok virtual beer on me,,

 

Stop letting her walk all over you. She wants to sell the house? Let her deal with it, make it as difficult as legally possible for her to do so. Get a lodger to pay the bills. You my friend, do not lift a finger to help. Remeber possesion is 9 tenths of the law and she's out.

[jaymz]

13/07/11 00:45 Get home after an evening paintballing and having a few jars after to swap tall stories, fun evening and it took my mind of everything for a while. I came home to a very empty house, i was fine. very pleased that i was ok and she had gone.

 

13/07/11 08:15 Got up late, slept through my alarm. Had a full nights sleep, not done that in ages.

 

Rob: I cannot afford the house on my own even if I get lodgers - legally i can only have 2 before i have to do HMO. I will get 2 lodgers to help with the cost but I need to sell the house. I am not involving her in anything like this now as it will take twice as long and she is only interested in getting as much as possible "the money she is owed" etc.

 

Am arranging to get the locks changed.