Author jaymz Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 Jaymz Even if you did things which contributed to the problems in your marriage, these things do not justify her having an affair. How she chose to deal with the marital problems that is on her, she had choices, like you said, she could have spoken to you, she chose to have an affair, to call men abroad, to sleep with guys on holiday, come on man, you KNOW this was not your fault! MLC can last up to 7 years and being with him can be a symptom of it as well. I have PMed you a link for information about this. Somedays I agree willow and somedays i dont. I read some threads on here and I can see how bad i have been sometimes, it must have been hard for her. I am not a horrible person, i dont play mind games, I'm not violent, verbally abusive etc. I think i just got too caught up in working hard to provide the standard of living she wanted, i too wanted the dream home etc and that was my no 1 priority. I guess i'm saying that I lost focus on looking after her, looking after me and looking after the kids in terms of quality time spent together. Lesson learned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 Ok. Stop. Here's what you need to do. 1.Cancel all joint direct debits - inc. mortgage. 2.Cancel joint account at the bank.(This can be done with one signatory.) 3. Continue paying money for kids. 4. Do not contribute to her household expenditure. 5. Inform your solicitor that you urgently need to move things forward and apply for emergency interim hearing (?) I think thats what its called . If you pm me I can give you the name of a British site that can offer free advice. She's pulling your strings- time to fight back!:bunny: The joint account is cancelled and we both have separate bank accounts and credit cards. Other than the maintenance I give her I do not pay for anything else. I cant do anything with the mortgage, I am trying but we both have our names on it and cannot have it split or moved into my name. I have spoken to my solicitor and there is nothing else to do at the moment except wait for the divorce to go through and get the house sold to ease the finances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 Jaymz. i went to the CSA and i let them determine how much i pay, that way it stopped her from using this against me, unfortunetly even though i have them 2-3 nights per week i pay 300.00 quid for two of them per month, but she can no longer have this over me.. She went to CSA before and they started a claim against me but was dropped when they found out we still live together. Now she has moved out she keeps threatening to get the CSA involved and have them dock the maintenance payments straight from my salary, I told her that if she does that then i have to foreclose on the house, the bank will reposes it, sell it for peanuts and then we will have even bigger debts. She has unrealistic expectations of what the CSA thinks she is entitled to, she wants 25% of my net salary, I try and explain to her that it doesn't work that way as I have the kids for 80+ nights a year, i pay for joint loans etc and that means the payments are much lower. I also think she is suffering financially at the moment as (see from previous texts) she is always hassling me for money to pay for things. This is very typical of her not to grasp the true situation and act accordingly: She is committed to a high rental property that they clearly cannot afford and maintain her lifestyle. When i saw her yesterday she had brand new dior sunglasses on, why complain to me about not having any money and then stand there with £200 sunglasses on???? She even went in the house to get them after i turned up, very typical of her and it did make me chuckle inside. There are somethings that I just don't miss. Her terrible financial acumen and then forcing that bad decision on me, I guess scumbag is bending to her will too if yesterday is anything to go on. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 get the CSA involved and have them dock the maintenance payments straight from my salary, . Jaymz, let the CSA decide, you ring them, sort it out. Seriously... You go and rent rooms out in your house, she has left the family home. Possesion is 9/10th's of the law (so my solicitor told me after I left my marital home). She is in no position to tell you what to do on this. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 why complain to me about not having any money and then stand there with £200 sunglasses on???? Hope you documenting all this, I'm sure a court won't look kindly on this. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 She went to CSA before and they started a claim against me but was dropped when they found out we still live together. Now she has moved out she keeps threatening to get the CSA involved and have them dock the maintenance payments straight from my salary, I told her that if she does that then i have to foreclose on the house, the bank will reposes it, sell it for peanuts and then we will have even bigger debts. She has unrealistic expectations of what the CSA thinks she is entitled to, she wants 25% of my net salary, I try and explain to her that it doesn't work that way as I have the kids for 80+ nights a year, i pay for joint loans etc and that means the payments are much lower. I also think she is suffering financially at the moment as (see from previous texts) she is always hassling me for money to pay for things. This is very typical of her not to grasp the true situation and act accordingly: She is committed to a high rental property that they clearly cannot afford and maintain her lifestyle. When i saw her yesterday she had brand new dior sunglasses on, why complain to me about not having any money and then stand there with £200 sunglasses on???? She even went in the house to get them after i turned up, very typical of her and it did make me chuckle inside. There are somethings that I just don't miss. Her terrible financial acumen and then forcing that bad decision on me, I guess scumbag is bending to her will too if yesterday is anything to go on. Watch Judge Judy, it's a real education I tell you. Watch how the ones who are full of bluster and accusations never win, and the ones who have all their documentation and proof together always do. Let your wife bluster, try and get money, laugh etc, the fact is this has been going on for months now and it's all been just talk. Not one thinh she has threatened you with has come true. Thats because she can't. All talk and no action, is what I think. You need to be all action and no talk. TBH OM sounds a little bit pathetic really. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Somedays I agree willow and somedays i dont. I read some threads on here and I can see how bad i have been sometimes, it must have been hard for her. I am not a horrible person, i dont play mind games, I'm not violent, verbally abusive etc. I think i just got too caught up in working hard to provide the standard of living she wanted, i too wanted the dream home etc and that was my no 1 priority. I guess i'm saying that I lost focus on looking after her, looking after me and looking after the kids in terms of quality time spent together. Lesson learned. jaymz, REGARDLESS of what you did in the relationship, YOU were not the one that gave up on it, bailed and immediately shacked up with someone else. I wasn't the perfect husband either, but I was willing to do whatever we needed to do in order to be able to work on things, she wasn't. I wanted to keep our family together, even if I wasn't always happy, I knew it was the best thing for the kids and was willing to cowtow to her to keep the peace. She decided that she would be happier with someone else. I don't think that's the case, and, as time goes on, I see her coming to that realization as well. If you're not happy with yourself, NO ONE else will be able to make you happy. I know it's hard to do, but you've got to kick yourself in the pants when you start feeling down. Use that depression as a catalyst for action. When you start to get down, do something to distract yourself. I've printed out a bunch of good quotes and put them all over my house. Here's a good one that I look at every morning when I get up: “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.” Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Thank guys. I keep a record of everything, i may be down but not stupid. The w is always been a person who is short term, win the battle person but always loses the war if left to her own devices. I really cant help being so down at times. It such a life changing experience for me. I just still cannot believe what has happened, how its happened and where i am today. I am making progress for me as a person. I think i see it now in terms of attitude, health, fitness etc. I just want to carry on improving and being "happy" with me. Leaving work early today, avoiding riots. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 The CSA will tell you that it's 15% of your net weekly income. From this you will get a reduction for the number of nights you have your son. Go to their website, they have a leaflet which explains how it is all worked out. You'll need to do the maths and see if you are actually overpaying or not. If you are then you should contact them yourself. When you get to the house settlement, don't forget that you must take into account all the mortgage payments you have made and deduct from her entitlement. Sorry you having to go through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) The CSA will tell you that it's 15% of your net weekly income. From this you will get a reduction for the number of nights you have your son. Go to their website, they have a leaflet which explains how it is all worked out. You'll need to do the maths and see if you are actually overpaying or not. If you are then you should contact them yourself. When you get to the house settlement, don't forget that you must take into account all the mortgage payments you have made and deduct from her entitlement. Sorry you having to go through this. Got a phone call today from CSA, the w put in a claim so I know she is going to want the full amount recommended by the CSA and will force it from me if nessassary. This means I am now financially boned unless the bank sort the mortgage or i sell the house in the next 5 minutes. I give her money each month but I know she wants the full amount and does not care if we lose the house. She is trying to force me to rent it out, I cant do that and sell the place. It makes no sense. When the people renting the place leave and we put the house back on the market, i wont be able to afford to pay her the amount and the mortgage and will have to foreclose. stupid, stupid woman! She is being such a bitch. I still cannot believe how short sighted and selfish she is being. Does she not realise that renting the place does not solve any of our problems? I just want to shake some bloody sense into her! I have 3 kids so she wants 25% of my salary and believes she is getting £900 per month. I currently pay her £208 per month which I cannot afford. She has scumbags income and benifit so she does have enough to live on. Its only going to be hardship for a short while until the house is sold, then everyone can move on. Renting the place only postpones the hardship until the renters leave, we still have to sell the house. She knows all this. There is no secrets. Stupid, stupid woman! I just cannot cope with all this pressure anymore. She just does not help at all. Makes everything 100x harder. What the f*ck did i do that was so bad? that deserves all this? Edited August 10, 2011 by jaymz Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Please Jaymz, pm me so I can put you in touch with a British Divorce Website- I think they may be able to advise you. Hugs.:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Yes she really is looking at the short term only. Is there any way you could drop the house price for a quicker sale? I know the market is poor at present, but people are buying if the house is at a good price (and I don't mean give away price). I've sent you a pm too with some links. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 she is going to want the full amount ? Is that 25% of your salary? Can the CSA take that from you? Will they not look at all the facts? And call me a little bit naive but your wife should be contributing half the mortgage payment despite her not living there. I've been through all this before, she is going to be in for a very rude shock at settlement time. She will have to pay half the mortgage for the whole time!! I think the CSA will look at the facts and act accordingly, remember your wife can claim all she wants, whether she gets it is another story. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Got a phone call today from CSA, the w put in a claim so I know she is going to want the full amount recommended by the CSA and will force it from me if nessassary. This means I am now financially boned unless the bank sort the mortgage or i sell the house in the next 5 minutes. I give her money each month but I know she wants the full amount and does not care if we lose the house. She is trying to force me to rent it out, I cant do that and sell the place. It makes no sense. When the people renting the place leave and we put the house back on the market, i wont be able to afford to pay her the amount and the mortgage and will have to foreclose. stupid, stupid woman! She is being such a bitch. I still cannot believe how short sighted and selfish she is being. Does she not realise that renting the place does not solve any of our problems? I just want to shake some bloody sense into her! I have 3 kids so she wants 25% of my salary and believes she is getting £900 per month. I currently pay her £208 per month which I cannot afford. She has scumbags income and benifit so she does have enough to live on. Its only going to be hardship for a short while until the house is sold, then everyone can move on. Renting the place only postpones the hardship until the renters leave, we still have to sell the house. She knows all this. There is no secrets. Stupid, stupid woman! I just cannot cope with all this pressure anymore. She just does not help at all. Makes everything 100x harder. What the f*ck did i do that was so bad? that deserves all this? Ohh your being too soft, make an anonymous tip off to the DSS and Tax credits. Get them investigated. Play dirty, she is... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 Is that 25% of your salary? Can the CSA take that from you? Will they not look at all the facts? The CSA do not look at the bigger picture, they will take the money they believe you owe straight from your salary. And call me a little bit naive but your wife should be contributing half the mortgage payment despite her not living there. I've been through all this before, she is going to be in for a very rude shock at settlement time. She will have to pay half the mortgage for the whole time!! I am looking at that now. I believe she is liable for 50% of our debts. I think the CSA will look at the facts and act accordingly, remember your wife can claim all she wants, whether she gets it is another story. The CSA are vey helpful in telling you the facts and what is going to happen. They will calculate what they believe is fair child support and then leave it up to you to have a private arrangement or they can step in and claim the whole amount straight from your pay. They do not take anything else into account, it is not their concern. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 25% of the net pay is what they would take and straight out of the bank account. 15% for first child, then 5% per child there after. There are slight deductions depending on how many times you have your kids throughout the year. They do not consider anything else i.e. what the person she is living with earns, mortgage payments etc etc Yes she owes half the mortgage payment, but you need to bear in mind that she could claim that she hasn't had the benefit of living there either - so just keep a record so that you can claim as much back as possible when you get to agreement. Your joint debts will be 50% liable too. What I should find out about is what happens to any debt she is racking up since you have split up. Unless you have a seperation agreement that covers it, you could find yourself facing this too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 13&14/8/11 Brothers stag weekend and had a great time 15/8/11 05:00 got up and went for 11 mile bike ride. Start of new regime. 15/8/11 14:00 Picked up the kids as it was middle child's birthday. The stbxw said hello and asked for the extra money, i asked what extra money and she shut up. She then wanted to know where i was going so I told her out and would be back late. As i pulled the car out of the drive she then came running over and said she has done the cake yet, I told her that the kids were mine from 2pm as agreed and then left. She had tears in her eyes so I did feel guilty but what did she expect? She had a party for him yesterday and they had cake, she had him all morning and early afternoon - plenty of time for cake. I suspect she wanted me to sit in the car and watch them through the window in the kitchen, her, scumbag, the kids as they sung happy birthday etc. 15/8/11 21:00 dropped the kids off after they had a brilliant afternoon. Stbxw greated me coldly as usual, nothing else happened. Her parents were round but didn't come out. I did notice a photo put up recently in the hall of stbxw and scumbag together on that mini cruise she went on back in April, i paid for her to go on that, she told me at the time she was "thinking about us and our relationship", what total and utter lies from her, i feel such a mug. it pissed me off and i got depressed again. Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Hang on in there Jaymz. We're all rooting for you. Hugs:bunny::bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 19/08/11 18:20 Get call from stbxw, she is not happy with car insurance charging her £26 to change the DD. I was quite surprised at the charge too, seems extortionate and told her so. She then wanted me to pay the whole charge as its unfair on her etc etc. I told her no and if there wasn't anything else important then I'm going. 19/08/11 18:25 get text, "if i dont pay then i dont get the car" 19/08/11 18:30 I text "be there in 10 minutes" 19/08/11 18:31 she replies "you better get taxi as you cant have car" 19/08/11 18:40 Arrive at her house and she starts straight away on the £26, I told her that if she was nice on the phone then I would have split the cost. She wants the money now. I told her no. she confers behind the door with scumbag, asks for the money by Sunday or else i cant have the car any more. I tell her that I really don't care about the car and am quite happy to walk home with the kids. She confers with scumbag again behind the door, says I can have the car but its the last time unless I pay up. scumbag arrives at the door as we are leaving and starts to grin at me and cuddle the stbxw. I leave with the kids. This is just doing my head in. She constantly keeps changing every agreement we have. I had the window cleaner round asking for payment as he hadn't been paid in months, do I get on the phone to stbxw? No! just pay the guy and told him not to come anymore as the house is on sale. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Good Lord, what a piece of work she is! Good for you for just leaving instead of squishing him like a bug. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Jaymz, be very careful both her and the OM are trying to get a rise out of you. You are dealing with two real scumbags I'm afraid. Just smile back at them, get your kids and say you'll bring them back at the agreed time. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 . I tell her that I really don't care about the car and am quite happy to walk home with the kids. Brilliantly handled!! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 This is just doing my head in. She constantly keeps changing every agreement we have. I had the window cleaner round asking for payment as he hadn't been It's just immature schoolkid stuff, two people (your STBX and scumbag) who've never really grown up. They weren't even strong enough to take the car from you. Remind me again who's name the car's in? Seriously if she pulls this BS on you again call the police on scumbag and tell them he's nicked your car. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 21/8/11 19:05 Dropped kids off. The stbxw was very pleasant to me so i knew she was after something. She told me that she accidently opened a letter that was re-direct to her new house - plausible and the letter wasn't anything important. She then asked me if I could drop the kids off at 20:30 in a couple of weeks as she is busy doing something, I said ok, another two hours is great for me. As i walked off she said goodbye nicely and apologized again for opening my letter. No mention of the £13 which i had to give her or else. Odd. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 It's just immature schoolkid stuff, two people (your STBX and scumbag) who've never really grown up. They weren't even strong enough to take the car from you. Remind me again who's name the car's in? Seriously if she pulls this BS on you again call the police on scumbag and tell them he's nicked your car. Its doing my head in. She has completely reverted to a child who wants wants wants. The quick change from what i though i knew to how she is now keeps haunting me, I just dont understand it. And to watch her going mental over £13, it was embarrassing. The old stbxw would never have done that over £13. The car is in her name for insurance reasons. I trusted her completely, never occured to me to have things solely in my name, we just divvid up stuff, debt etc depending on which option gave us the advantage. Now I'm left holding all the debt in my name and none of the assets.... lol Link to post Share on other sites
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